


Let Your Heart Rule Your Head

by BohemianGryffindor06



Series: Let Your Heart Rule Your Head [1]
Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Brian May, Bisexual Roger Taylor (Queen), Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, First Time Blow Jobs, First Time Bottoming, First Time Topping, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Freddie Mercury Is a Good Friend, Gay Bashing, Hate to Love, Hurt John Deacon, Hurt Roger Taylor (Queen), Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Roger Taylor (Queen), Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Modern Era, Mother Hen Brian May, Mother Hen Freddie Mercury, Original Character(s), Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Platonic Brian May/Roger Taylor, Protective Brian May, Roger Taylor (Queen) Being an Idiot, Roger Taylor (Queen) Needs a Hug, Sad John Deacon, Sad Roger Taylor (Queen), Self-Acceptance, Shy John Deacon, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:27:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 209,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24377248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BohemianGryffindor06/pseuds/BohemianGryffindor06
Summary: It had been four years.Seeing him again brought all the memories flooding back as if everything had happened just yesterday.John could never quite seem to forget his face. Or his steely blue eyes that had spent almost five years taunting him.John Deacon has spent the last four years trying to deal with everything that happened to him in school. And then Roger Taylor walks back into his life with his wickedly good looks and soft smile and undoes all his hard work. But the question is what does Roger want and can John really trust him this time?I promise the plot is much better than the overall summary so please give it a chance!
Relationships: Brian May & Freddie Mercury, John Deacon/Roger Taylor
Series: Let Your Heart Rule Your Head [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2080701
Comments: 792
Kudos: 229





	1. If You've Got Time To Stay And Listen To My Story...

_The sun beat down, warming John’s skin as he leaned back against the tree. He closed his eyes, making the most of the abandoned field._

_Just as he was starting to relax, a cold shiver ran down his spine._

_He opened his eyes, blinking up at the familiar, lanky figure stood in the shadow of the sun. John gasped and immediately jolted upright, his whole body tense. Laughter echoed around the courtyard from the five boys stood at the edge of the field._

_“We’ve been looking for you. You dirty queer.”_

_The boy grabbed a fistful of John’s shirt and held him up. John struggled not to winch as the bark pressed into the back of his shirt._

_He didn’t shout or beg. He knew that would only be futile. Instead he closed his eyes as the boy raised his fist, and waited for it all to be over…_

John yelped, his body flying upwards.

His chest was heaving, drops of sweat clinging to his skin as he gasped for breath. He shakily pushed his damp hair away from his face, and counted backwards in his head.

_Ten, nine, eight, seven…_

By the time he finished, he felt a little calmer.

He slumped back against the bed, his eyes growing heavier. He slept dreamlessly after that.

-o-

John barely managed to stifle a yawn as he reached for his second cup of coffee. It always took a little longer to become fully awake if he’d had a bad night. Luckily, he didn’t have them quite as much.

He frowned at the sound of the front door, tilting his head to peer through the doorway in surprise. “Freddie?”

“Yes, it’s just me, darling! We managed to get an earlier flight.”

John smiled in response. “Was it that bad?”

Freddie and Brian had jetted off to the Spanish countryside for the weekend. It was their first holiday as a couple. Freddie had cooed when he’d shown John the brochure with a picture of the cosy villa they’d be staying in.

“On the contrary, it was lovely! I’ve had an amazing time. I just missed you, that’s all.”

John’s smile grew wider as he grabbed Freddie’s cup from the cupboard. “I actually missed you too. The flat’s been far too quiet without your god awful singing.”

Freddie blanched as he set down his two suitcases in the hallway. “Take that back. We both know I’ve got a voice gifted from the angels themselves.”

It _was_ true. But Freddie didn’t need an excuse to inflate his ego any further.

“You on the other hand, not so much. Luckily, your cooking more than makes up for that,” Freddie teased as he slumped into a chair.

He proceeded to tell John _everything_.

From the late night walks, to the local restaurant selling oysters, to sunbathing next to the pool with a cocktail in hand, to details of Freddie and Brian making love well into the—

“Jesus, I get it, Fred!” John groaned in response, his nose wrinkling in disgust.

“Well, you did say you wanted to hear _every_ detail,” Freddie said smugly as he raised his cup.

“Yes, like what food you ate. What things you got up to. What places you saw. Not sordid details about your sex life.”

Freddie sniffed in response. “There’s nothing sordid about our sex life, thank you very much.” Then he hesitated, his expression changing. “Well…apart from that one night, when I convinced Brian to try—”

John resorted to sticking his fingers in his ears.

“Honestly dear,” Freddie sighed as John eventually pulled them away again. “You should be grateful. You could be taking note on how to successfully pleasure your next boyfriend.”

“I know you mean well, Fred. But I’d literally rather walk through a burning ring of fire.”

“Suit yourself,” Freddie griped. “ _Ooh_. I’ve not told you the best bit yet.”

John cast a wary eye over Freddie’s expression. He could only imagine what was about to come out of Freddie’s mouth. “if it’s any more bedroom talk, I don’t want to—”

“I got engaged.”

He peered back at Freddie in shock. “What?”

Freddie beamed, raising his cup again. He wasn’t wearing a ring.

“I know! That was my reaction at first. Brian caught me by surprise on the second to last night. We’d just come back from this really romantic walk, and he just asked me. In the middle of the kitchen, bended knee and everything.”

“Holy fuck.”

“I know!” Freddie grinned. He held his right hand in front of his face as if to inspect it. “He’s not gotten me a ring yet. He made himself so stressed trying to decide what kind to get, bless him. So he thought it’d be nice to choose together. That way, we can both get rings if we want to.”

John watched the way Freddie wiggled excitedly in his chair, the biggest smile on his face. “I’m really happy for you, Fred. For both of you.”

Freddie’s smile began to fall. “Yes. I can really tell.”

“No, I am. It’s just…” John trailed off, trying to find the right words as he stared at his cup of coffee. “Is it not…a little soon?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

John breathed in deeply, thinking carefully about his next words. He’d hate to think it sounded like he wasn’t pleased for his friend. That was the last thing he wanted.

“You’ve been together less than six months. And you’re both still at university. What’s the rush to get married? Has one of you somehow managed to defy the laws of biology and gotten pregnant?”

Freddie rolled his eyes, looking far from impressed. “Hilarious, Deacy. We could always have a long engagement. Weddings are expensive anyway. We could save until after graduation.”

“But you’ve never even met his best friend! Or each other’s family!”

“I know. We’ve already talked about that one actually,” Freddie said casually, taking his time to drink his coffee. “And we agreed, it’s about time we changed that. So we’re having dinner here tomorrow evening, just me, you, Brian and his best friend. Apparently, they practically grew up together. I know that much.”

“Right. And who’s going to be cooking that, I wonder?”

“Well,” Freddie said coolly, giving John his most charming smile. “I was hoping that you might, given that you’re not only the best cook out of the three of us, but also the most amazing best friend anyone could ask for.”

John narrowed his eyes at Freddie’s obvious attempt at flattery. “Fine. But you can buy the alcohol.”

“Deal,” Freddie grinned.

-o-

John was still running about the kitchen by the time that Freddie came home from university. His face was an alarming shade of pink, he had what looked like flour in his hair, and the worktops were taken up with a mixture of baking trays, bowls, a selection of ingredients, scales, and a whisk.

Freddie peered at the recipe on John’s phone perched on the kitchen table. “Ooh, _Roasted Ratatouille and Goats Cheese Tart_. That sounds delicious, darling.”

“Don’t get your hopes up too much,” John grumbled as he bundled the tart into the oven and flicked the timer on for fifty minutes.

John had spent all morning fretting. Brian was a vegetarian. Freddie was a fussy eater. And he had no idea what Brian’s friend might have liked. He’d gotten Freddie to text Brian, and had received a vague _he’ll eat anything_ text back, which had consequently stressed John out even more. Then he’d popped to the shops to get the ingredients and had spent the rest of the day preparing it.

“You know what you need? A nice cold beer and a shower. Get yourself spruced up before Brian and his friend gets here.”

John sighed wearily in response. “Freddie, I haven’t got time to _spruce myself up_. I’ve got to finish cooking the _—_ ”

“Yes, you have,” Freddie insisted, seizing John’s apron and putting it on himself instead. He opened the fridge, grabbed a can of beer and thrust it into John’s hand. “I’ll keep an eye on the tart. You go and wash that flour out of your hair, and change into something fancy.”

John frowned, looking down at himself. He was wearing jeans and a plain t-shirt. “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”

Freddie gave his friend a look, one eyebrow slightly raised. “Oh _darling_. I’m not even going to dignify that with an answer.”

John scowled but did as he was told, knowing it was pointless to argue otherwise. He tried to shower quickly, not trusting Freddie to be left alone. He blow-dried his hair until it was only slightly damp, and ended up changing at least four times, before he finally made his way back to the kitchen to put his can of beer in the bin.

Freddie wolf whistled from the table. “Very nice, Deacy. If I wasn’t such a hot snack, I’d worry that even Brian might not be able to keep his eyes off of you this evening.”

“Thanks…I think.”

He’d changed into a grey shirt and trousers. _Simple but sophisticated_ , Freddie said with an approving nod.

John rolled his eyes as he made his way back over to check on the tart. “Anyone would think I was the one getting bloody engaged.”

They arrived at half six. On the dot.

John was just plating everything up when Freddie shouted from his bedroom for him to get the door.

“Why can’t you get it?”

“Because darling! I’m in here making myself look beautiful!”

John left the tart to cool and headed back through the hallway. He could hear Freddie singing along with _Lady GaGa_ about wanting stupid love at full blast.

“You’ll need all the help you can get with that!”

Freddie, with his cat-like hearing shouted back about how John needed to take a leaf out of his book. He’d spent the last two years trying to convince John to let him give him a makeover.

John smiled as he went to open the front door. “I told you already, Freddie. I’m a natural beauty—”

Brian was about two or three inches taller than John, a mass of dark curls, and a warm smile. He was wearing a black jacket and he had a bottle of red wine in his hands.

“Hey John. How are you? Lovely to see you again, mate.”

Had he been alone, John could have probably managed an appropriate response. He’d probably gently tease Brian at how he was always so formal, despite the fact they’d worked together for the past six months.

Except he wasn’t. Brian’s friend was there. And John already knew him. In fact, they’d once been very well acquainted.

It had been four years.

Seeing him again brought all the memories flooding back as if everything had happened just yesterday.

John could never quite seem to forget his face. Or his steely blue eyes that had spent almost five years taunting him.

There were changes too.

His blonde hair looked brighter and glossier than ever. He’d grown it out so that it fell in waves at his slim shoulders. He even seemed slightly taller. But then maybe that was just because he no longer had a group of burly teenage boys to hide behind.

Just Brian instead. The gentle giant that he was.

Roger peered back at John, his blue eyes widening as he stepped out of Brian’s shadow. His voice was quiet, and just as high-pitched as John remembered.

“J-john? Is that you?”

Brian turned his head, looking between them with a furrowed brow. “Wait. You two know each other?”

John’s mouth still refused to open. His throat was dry and felt like it was getting tighter with every passing second. His heart was racing, and he could feel a painful twang from somewhere inside his chest.

“You three having a mothers meeting out there?” Freddie’s melodic voice came from behind, his laughter bouncing off of the hallway walls. It went quiet for a moment, and then he spoke again, his voice guarded. “What’s wrong?”

John said nothing.

Instead, he pushed his way out of the front door. His heart was pounding, his vision blurring, wave after wave of nausea riding up inside of him.

He managed to run to the edge of the drive before he collapsed. His breathing was laboured—it suddenly felt as if he didn’t have enough air in his lungs. He hugged his knees to his chest and curled himself into a ball, desperate not to be seen. It was the only way he’d feel safe again.

He counted back from ten in his head. When he lost count, he tried again. And again. Until—

Freddie kneeled at his side, his hand gentle at his back. John jumped, startled, before realising it was just him.

“John, I need you to listen to me very closely, sweetie. Take deep breaths with me, okay? In…and out. No, listen. In…and out. That’s it. Just focus on your breathing. Forget everything else. Close your eyes and listen to my voice.”

Eventually, Freddie managed to calm John down enough for his breathing to even out a little more.

John’s head slumped back against his knees, his shoulders shaking as Freddie’s hand rubbed his back softly.

“Please don’t make me go back in there,” John sobbed, his voice muffled by his trousers.

“Darling, of course not. I would never make you do anything you didn’t want to.” Freddie said softly. “You know I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you either, don’t you?”

John forced a small nod, his breathing still shallow.

“Right then. Why don’t you tell me what this is all about, hmm?”

o-o-o


	2. Just A Moment Of Your Life Is All I Need...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ROGER'S POV
> 
> Roger comes face to face with a familiar face from the past. Suddenly, everything he'd just about managed to bury inside of himself comes rushing back to the surface, forcing him to deal with his demons once more...
> 
> Rating in this chapter is for swearing, discussion around homophobia, and mild smut.

Roger hummed appreciatively at the coy smile the brunette gave him on her way past their table. He licked his lips, his eyes lingering on her legs.

University was filled with endless women, who just like him, were out for a good time.

Roger liked the chase, the banter, and most of all _the sex_.

Casual relationships meant that he didn’t feel obliged to let anyone close.

It was a transaction of sorts.

Both parties got what they wanted. Then they moved on. Simple. Easy.

“ _Christ_. Did you see her legs? Bet that skirt would look even better on my bedroom floor.”

When he didn’t get an immediate response, Roger turned to Brian. He frowned upon noticing the dazed look on his friends face as he shuffled his broccoli around his plate with his fork.

“Are you even listening?”

“ _Hmm_?”

Roger heaved a sigh in response.

“I get it. You’re in a committed relationship now. But it’s still healthy to look. Hell, it’s normal. You’re a red-blooded male. Or at least you’re _supposed_ to be.”

When Brian lifted his head to stare at him blankly, Roger rolled his eyes.

“The leggy brunette in the floral skirt who just headed past our table. With the blonde. She was pretty fit, and she was looking over.”

“Go and speak to her then if you’re so interested. You’re the one who’s single.”

“You’ve only just got engaged and you’re already talking like a married man.”

“Nothing wrong with that.”

“You still have eyes, Brian. It’s only cheating if you act on it. Besides, you’re bisexual. If anything that should give you more permission to check out all that university has to offer.”

Brian pulled a face as he dropped his fork against his plate. “It doesn’t work like that, _twat_. And even if it did. I don’t want to look at anyone else.”

Roger slowly shook his head. “You really have got it bad, mate. You’ll be getting matching tattoos next.”

He raised his hands in defence at the look Brian gave him.

“Fine, fine. I’ll drop the subject. But only if you if you be a good boy and eat all your vegetables. Otherwise no pudding.”

Brian lifted his hands over his face and groaned into them.

“Will you stop larking about for all of two seconds? I’m having a…a… _quarter-life crisis_ here and you’re waffling on about women’s legs and the importance of eating my vegetables!”

“Brian, you’re barely twenty mate.”

“Roger!”

“Alright fine! What’s got you in such a tizzy? I’ve already promised I’d be on best behaviour around Freddie’s later.”

“It’s not about that,” Brian said, peaking at Roger through his fingers. Eventually he lowered them completely. His face was slightly pink. “Mum and Dad are coming down at the weekend. To officially meet Freddie. They sort of…freaked out when I told them we were engaged.”

Roger smiled sympathetically.

“No wonder you look so nervous. Although, it’s hardly surprising. I’m your best friend and I’ve not even met him yet. I was starting to worry you were ashamed of me.”

“Don’t be silly. I told you. His flatmate does most of the overtime at work, so it makes sense for us to seize the opportunity of an empty flat.”

Roger nodded in response. He still felt kind of weird that Freddie’s flatmate was called _John_. A fact he kept to himself. Brian would only go all psychotherapist on him if he was to admit it out loud.

“And then there’s the fact that you’ve only really been dating for two minutes.”

“Try six months.”

Roger offered up a vague shrug. “All the more reason to slow things down. You barely know each other. You admitted it yourself that even Freddie’s played the field a bit. Whereas you’ve jumped from one serious relationship to the next for as long as I’ve known you.”

“But this is different. Freddie is different.”

“I mean, sure. He’s the first bloke you’ve had an actual relationship with,” Roger said as he watched Brian closely. “And you’re absolutely sure that this isn’t just a phrase?”

“What, like you reckon it was for you?”

Roger flinched in response.

Brian’s expression immediately softened. “Sorry. That was…anyway. Yes, I’m sure. I’ve never felt like this before. Freddie completes me. I feel lost when I’m not with him. That’s why we’re moving in together in September. I want to spend every night besides him. I’m actually looking forward to the little things. Like bringing him in a cup of coffee and a kiss in the mornings. Snuggle up watching a movie. Cook dinner together and argue about whose turn it is to wash the dishes. Normal stuff, you know?”

Roger’s stomach churned at Brian’s words. He ignored it in favour of giving his friend a weak smile. “You’ve got me convinced. Just got to do the same with your Mum and Dad.”

Brian huffed out a breath, suddenly looking a little pale. “That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.”

-o-

_Strong hands held him down. One hand curled itself into his hair._

_Roger mewled in response and arched his back further. Another whack to his arse._

_“You’re disobeying me again.”_

_Roger whined, low in his throat. “Sorry sir.”_

_“Good boy.”_

_He began to thrust into Roger harder. Roger bit his lip, desperately trying to silence himself. But then one of the man’s hands reached around him, stroking Roger’s length slowly but firmly and Roger was practically sobbing with need._

_Roger made a noise of surprise as the man’s other hand came back down against his arse. “Strike one. You’re only allowed to make a noise when I tell you to. Otherwise I won’t let you come. Got it?”_

_“Y-yes sir.”_

_“Good boy. I’ll even let you suck my cock later. If you’re good.”_

_“Hmm, yes please sir.”_

_“That’s more like it, Roger.”_

_“Roger!”_

_“Say my name again,” Roger begged. He was so close…_

_“Roger!”_

He swore loudly as he slipped, only just managing to grab the shower handle in time.

“Roger!”

“What Brian?” He barked, furious at the interruption. He blamed his spur of the moment wank on his poor decision to flick through the television channels so late last night. Not on the brunette who’d left him reeling, as he gave a flirty smile on his way out of Roger’s lecture and bore a similar resemblance to—

“Are you listening? Hurry up! We’re due around Freddie’s in twenty minutes.”

Roger groaned softly in response, letting the lukewarm shower cool him down before he reluctantly got out. He spent the whole time drying himself off and cursing Brian _fucking_ May.

He was still grouchy as he finished changing. He pulled on a pair of jeans from the washing basket, a black vest, and an embroidered jacket. He’d barely had time to dry his hair.

Brian blinked at him from his bedroom doorway as Roger finished tying his sparkly pink converses. “Is that what you’re wearing?”

“Nah. Just fancied playing dress up and making us even more late. Of course this is what I’m wearing. What’s wrong with it?”

“Nothing. Just a little casual, that’s all.”

“I really don’t think you’re in a position to give fashion advice, mate,” Roger commented sourly as he followed Brian to the front door.

Brian frowned in response. “This is my best plaid shirt.”

Roger rolled his eyes. “ _Best_ and _plaid_ really shouldn’t belong in the same sentence, Bri.”

-o-

Roger had prepared himself for every eventuality. Or so he thought.

He’d accepted the possibility of Freddie’s flatmate being a bore. Or ugly. Or even rude. What he didn’t expect was for him to be the opposite of all three things.

Or for it to be the living, breathing replica of the boy who haunted his darkest fantasies as well as his nightmares.

Somehow, he was even prettier than Roger remembered. All dark hair, almond-shaped green eyes, and fair complexion.

He’d grown his hair out. Just like Roger. It was fluffy and shiny, cascading past his burly shoulders. For one brief second, Roger could imagine how it would feel to run his callused hands through it…

He has the same striking nose, thin lips, and gap-toothed smile which disappeared the moment he set eyes on Roger.

Fear plagued his expression as he stood, rigid in the doorway.

Roger stepped to the side, eager to get a closer look without the barrier of Brian’s curls getting in the way. “J-John? Is that you?”

Inwardly, Roger cursed for sounding so weak.

It had been four years. Yet, Roger felt as if he was suddenly sixteen all over again.

The blood seemed to pound in his ears as the reality hit him. He was supposed to have put this behind him. Instead, all the guilt, the fear, the pain, and the longing came bubbling straight back to the surface as if it had never really gone away.

“You three having a mothers meeting out there or something?” Freddie joked from the other end of the hallway. His laughter was cut short as he looked between them. “What’s wrong?”

John blinked in response, his eyes suddenly watery.

He pushed past Roger and Brian and began to run. Roger vaguely noticed he had no shoes on.

“John, wait—”

“Oh no, you don’t. I want to know what’s going on. How do you two know each other?” Brian asked as he tugged Roger back by the collar of his jacket. Freddie pushed past them in the doorway.

Roger didn’t see the point in lying. Not to Brian.

“Isn’t it obvious? It’s _John_ , the one I wrote to you about in those letters.”

“ _Fuck off_!” Brian said in shock, his hold on Roger loosening. “That’s _your_ John?”

Roger barely resisted the urge to remind Brian that John had never been his. For good reason.

“The one you bullied in school? The one you secretly had a crush—”

“I think we’ve established which _John_ it is. Stop getting so excitable. All of that is in the past!”

Brian’s gaze lifted over the top of Roger’s head. He could immediately guess what Brian was looking at, just by his expression. “It doesn’t look like it is for him.”

Guilt clawed away at his insides.

He headed inside, desperate to be far enough away not to hear or see John crying. It felt like he’d had enough of that to last him a lifetime.

Brian followed him into the kitchen and began making tea. If Roger didn’t feel quite so queasy, he might have laughed at how stereotypically British Brian was. Instead he stayed silent, wiping his clammy hands against the front of his jeans.

“You realise that that’s the same John I’ve been working at the bar with, right?”

Roger looked up from his chair in the corner. “ _Please_ tell me you’re joking.”

“I wish I was. How did I know it was the same guy? It’s not like I’ve seen a picture of him. He was the one to set me up with Freddie too.”

Roger was torn between laughing or crying at the irony.

John had been practically a hair’s breadth away for half a year. And Roger hadn’t had a clue.

Freddie and John eventually headed back towards the kitchen. Roger jumped up from his seat on instinct.

John looked a mess. His hair was frazzled, his eyes red and bloodshot, his hands were shaking, and there were patches of dirt across his trousers and feet.

Despite his height, he suddenly seemed small nestled against Freddie’s side, his gaze focused on a spot on the kitchen floor.

Brian gave John a worried once-over as he reached out to pat his arm uncertainly. “Err…how are you feeling, John?”

Freddie turned his head to look at him. “How do you think he’s feeling? Scared, angry, upset, hurt?”

“I should probably imagine all of them and more—”

“—What’s _he_ still doing here?”

Freddie didn’t turn to look in Roger’s direction. He didn’t need to. His tone of voice made it clear enough about who he was talking about.

“Look Freddie, I swear. If I’d have known that John was the same person Roger went to school with, I’d have never suggested—”

“—So you know?” Freddie asked in disbelief. “You know everything that he did and you’re still his friend?”

Brian exhaled slowly, his gaze drifting between John and Roger. “It’s… _complicated_.”

“Complicated my arse! Your friend is a coward and a bully, and if he had any remorse, he’d walk out of here right now—”

John closed his eyes briefly. “Freddie, _stop—_ ”

Roger tucked his chair back under the table, getting their attention again. “You’re right. I should go.”

“That’s the first sensible thing you’ve said, blondie—”

“Hang on,” Brian rushed to say. “Freddie, I’m not condoning what Roger’s done—”

“—Good, because if you even tried, I’d be kicking you out of this flat too—”

“—Nobody is kicking anyone out,” John said quietly. His voice was still a little croaky. His gaze lifted towards Freddie’s face. “I don’t want a fight.”

“We could always make the best of it?” Brian suggested hopefully. “Whilst we’re all together.”

“Why should we? John shouldn’t have to feel like he has to sit in the same room as that w—”

“Brian’s right. Tonight should be about you and him.” John said softly. Slowly, he turned his head. His expression was almost blank by the time he looked at Roger. “Don’t you think?”

Roger nodded immediately, seizing his chance. “Absolutely.”

Freddie’s expression hardened as he followed John’s gaze over to Roger. “Fine. But let me make it clear. You so much as look at John the wrong way, nothing and nobody will stop me from hauling your sorry arse out of this flat. Understood?”

“Understood.”

With that, John went to go and wash his face, leaving the three of them to finish serving up dinner. Every time Roger so much as moved whilst they ate, Freddie’s eyes were on him.

Brian filled the silence with talk of university. He was currently learning about exoplanets. He spent at least ten minutes talking about what they were and how they worked. Freddie offered vague smiles as he chewed his food.

Roger tried to subtly watch John from the corner of his eyes. John seemed as interested in his food as Roger was in Brian’s topic of conversation.

“So that’s why they’ve taken so many years to be discovered. Because they’re pretty dim, or at least in comparison to other stars, they are,” Brian explained.

Freddie murmured as he lifted his glass to take a sip of red wine.

“Fascinating sweetie,” Freddie said graciously, as he leaned over to touch Brian’s hand briefly. “Whilst we’re on the subject of _dim_. How did you and wonder-boy meet again?”

Roger let the insult wash over his head, feeling like it was the least he deserved.

Brian’s smile faltered just a little. “Freddie, careful—”

“—No, really. I’m intrigued. I’m guessing it wasn’t at _Gay Pride_ or what have you.”

“His parents own a couple of holiday cottages. My family visited every summer holiday. Then we all got closer and stayed in contact,” Brian said carefully. He shared a brief look with Roger before he added; “I wasn’t allowed a phone, so we mostly wrote to each other.”

“I can just picture it now. _Dear Brian. Me and my mates made a boy cry for being gay to mask my fragile masculine pride. Another successful day completed_.”

Brian sighed in response. “Freddie, you don’t know the whole story—”

“Then please, fill me in.”

Brian looked at Roger again. Roger’s stomach rolled unpleasantly as Freddie looked between them.

“ _Well_?”

“He had issues of his own. It’s no excuse. But he’s changed. He’s had proper—”

“ _Brian_ ,” Roger warned, desperation tinging his voice.

Brian huffed in response. “I’m trying to plead your case—”

“—Well don’t!”

“Don’t you think they have the right to know—”

“Still think he’s changed Brian, huh? I—”

Roger ignored them both.

Instead, he turned to John, to find him still staring into space. His eyebrows were furrowed, a hint of a frown on his face.

“I owe you an apology. I’m sorry. For how I treated you at school. Just know that I never meant to hurt you. It wasn’t personal.”

The table had suddenly turned far too quiet.

John finally looked up, his eyes wide, his cheeks slightly flushed. “ _Wasn’t personal_?”

“No. I only really teased you to try and fit in with that stupid group of friends I hung around with. To show off—”

“ _Show off_?”

Roger heard one of them take a sharp intake of breath. His gaze flickered back around the table in time to see Brian wince. He realised too late how horrible that might have sounded.

“John, I just meant that—”

“Do you have any concept of how long it’s taken me to deal with everything you and your friends put me through?”

“I’m guessing…a while?”

John’s eyes narrowed in disbelief. “Is that an attempt at a shitty joke?”

“No of course not! I’m just not very good at knowing what to say in this situation. Not that any of it would make up for what happened, I know, but—”

“Freddie was right. I don’t know what I was thinking.” John said, suddenly rising from his chair and letting it scrape against the floor. “This has been a waste of everybody’s time.”

“Here, here,” Freddie rushed to agree.

Panic rose up inside of Roger in response. “Wait, please.”

He clambered up from his chair. The noise seemed to startle John.

He quickly moved to the other side of the kitchen, as far away from Roger as he could possibly get. Freddie went with him, putting a gentle arm around his shoulders.

“Please John, if you could just hear me out—”

“No! I want you to leave!”

That time, Roger did flinch.

Freddie glared across at Roger in response. “You heard him.”

Roger sighed, struggling not to lose his temper. They weren’t listening. Weren’t even pretending to.

“But you’re not listening! Give me a chance to explain—”

“—Roger, this isn’t helping,” Brian said softly. “Come on. We should go.”

Roger ignored him, continuing to stare at John hopefully. But John’s gaze was diverted, his bottom lip pulled between his teeth.

A mixture of emotions fought for dominance inside of Roger as he reluctantly headed back around the kitchen table, his eyes still on John. “I meant what I said. I never realised the damage I helped to inflict on you until it was too late. I really am sorry—”

“Yes, you said. Now leave.” Freddie warned him flatly.

Brian virtually had to drag Roger out of the flat.

He stayed silent the whole way home.

He was frightened that if he opened his mouth, he’d risk crying. The last thing Roger wanted to do was freak people out on the underground.

“I still think that if we were to tell Freddie and John the truth, all of it, then they might have a better chance at understanding why you were the way you were,” Brian said as he watched Roger slip off his shoes and jacket in the hallway when they got home. “They’d probably even be sympathetic if you were to tell them about the counselling—”

“—I said no, Brian! Just drop it, okay?”

He headed straight for his room, biting on his lip and blinking away the moisture in his eyes.

“You don’t have the luxury of burying your head in the sand anymore, Roger—”

He felt suffocated. Backed into a corner. Forced to deal with his demons once more.

Roger couldn’t handle it.

He released an angry grunt and kicked the front of his wardrobe. Brian froze, still perched in Roger’s bedroom doorway. His foot throbbed in response, his vision blurring, and his breathing heavy.

And then suddenly he was sobbing.

Loud wails of despair tore themselves from Roger’s throat before he could stop them from escaping, and the look on Brian’s face changed instantly.

Which immediately made it _worst_.

Roger turned away, wiping at his face in frustration, and trying to silence himself. Repeated his father’s mantra over and over again in his head.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. It’ll be alright.”

Roger found that very hard to believe.

Brian’s bony arms pulled him into a hug. Roger’s body shook from the effort of holding in his cries.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Roger!! :( 
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed that chapter! There is SO much more to come, you wouldn't believe lol. Thank you all so much for the lovely reviews! I haven't gotten around to reading them all yet, but I promise that once I do, I'll reply to every single one. It honestly makes me so happy when people take the time to read my work and leave such lovely comments, so please, it would mean the world if you could let me know what you think of the story so far.
> 
> I'll try updating every Monday, so that people know when to look out for the next chapter. In the meantime, I hope everyone has a good week. Thanks again. :)


	3. Don't Say We Should Be Parted...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has a nightmare, and decides it's time to face up to his demons...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter involves swearing and homophobic language that might make people feel uncomfortable.

_John cursed under his breath as he fell against the gravel. He’d grazed his hands on the way down._

_His shoes were too big, too bulky. When his old ones no longer fit, he’d had to make do with Dad’s last pair, just until his Mum received her first pay check._

_There was a crowd of girls gathered outside the entrance. Their shrill laughter echoed around the car park. John waited until they moved on, before he considered getting back up._

_“Need a hand?”_

_John looked up, straight into the blue eyes of a boy._

_He was small and skinny. He had short, dirty blonde hair and delicate features. If it wasn’t for the fact they were both wearing a black blazer with the same emblem on the breast, John might have believed that he was too young to be in secondary school._

_John’s mouth dropped open, noticing how pretty he was._

_The boy raised his eyebrows in question, and John forced a small nod in reply. He reached out a hand with a smile. John took it, wishing his skin wasn’t so clammy._

_“You new?”_

_John took a moment to study his features. His long eyelashes, button nose, heart-shaped lips, and rounded jaw. Then he reluctantly pulled away to wipe himself down. He cleared his throat nervously. “That obvious?”_

_“A bit.”_

_John’s breath caught in his throat when the boy’s smile widened._

_“Come on. We should make sure your hands don’t get infected.”_

_For some reason, John went with him willingly._

_“I’m Roger, by the way. Roger Taylor,” the boy said as he reached out to lightly press a damp paper towel against John’s grazes._

_“I’m John. John Deacon.”_

_“Nice to meet you, John.”_

_He pursed his lips in concentration, his gaze focused on John’s hands. John let himself stare, enjoying the warmth of Roger’s skin. A shiver ran down his spine, and Roger’s eyes widened._

_“Sorry, I’m trying to be gentle—”_

_“No, no, it’s fine. ‘Feels nice.”_

_Roger’s gaze flickered across John’s face. Almost like he was looking for something. John wasn’t sure what. All he knew was that he didn’t want to look away._

_The bathroom door flung open. In walked the five lanky lads from earlier._

_“We’ve been looking all over, Rog! Where you been man?”_

_Roger jumped away from John like he’d been burnt, his face pink, and his eyes wide._

_“S-steven. I thought you’d all gone home.”_

_John peered at them from underneath his eyelashes, the paper towel limp against his hand. The one in front had dark, messy hair and was wearing a tight black hoodie. He quickly dropped his gaze as Steven’s head turned to look at John, his face twisted with disgust._

_“Nah, I had detention, didn’t I? The others decided to wait around instead. Is this your new **friend**?”_

_John noticed Roger’s eyes widen. “What, no! We ran into each other, that’s all.”_

_“Sure? Because he’s a freak. Did Jamie not tell you what he did at lunch? This one was watching him whilst he was getting changed.”_

_They’d had rugby in the morning. John was never very good at sports. Jamie had mocked him in the changing room. Then accused him of being gay when John had looked at them._

_“He…he didn’t tell me, no—”_

_“—Well, now you know. Don’t tell me you secretly like him? Is this your way of coming out the closet, Rog—”_

_“—No way! You know I can’t stand anyone like that!”_

_His fury at the accusation made John flinch. Something heavy weighed against John’s chest, making it more difficult to breathe as the same disgust appeared on Roger’s face._

_Steven smirked in response. “Good. Let’s leave him to it then. Wouldn’t want to catch anything.”_

_Roger gave a small nod. He didn’t look back as he followed them out of the bathroom._

_John slumped against the wall, swallowing thickly and refusing to cry. Just when he thought he’d made a new friend…_

John had been sweating in the night, but now he just felt cold. His eyes stung from where he’d been crying. There was an ache in his chest as he sat up. He gave a weary sigh as he pushed his hair back and reached for his phone. That ache doubled over when he saw he had no new matches on the dating app.

Eventually, he forced himself up.

Freddie was already in the kitchen. Burning breakfast if the smell was anything to go by.

“You attempting to cook again?”

Freddie gave a high-pitched squeal and spun on the spot, a hand against his chest. “Are you trying to give me heart failure, Deacy? Because if so, you very almost got your wish!”

John smiled guiltily. “Sorry Fred.”

Freddie’s expression immediately softened. “Oh, it’s fine sweetie. I’m just a little skittish at the moment. Why don’t you sit down? The pancakes will be ready in a minute.”

“How comes you’re so skittish?”

“Think it’s just because I didn’t sleep very well. I kept tossing and turning all night.”

“That’s too bad,” John offered sympathetically. “I did buy some more coffee if you wanted a cup.”

Freddie gave a quick, over-the-shoulder smile before he turned back to flip the pancakes. “You’re an absolute angel, you know that?”

John grinned in response. “It’s been said once or twice.”

Breakfast was slightly on the crispy side. John chucked a load of blueberries, strawberries and maple syrup onto them to make up for it.

He helped Freddie clear up before he headed for a shower. He dried his hair in his room, before leaning his head out of the doorway to ask if Freddie had borrowed his favourite pair of platform boots again.

But he heard voices, immediately rendering him silent.

“—don’t agree with everything he’s done either, but this needs sorting, Fred.”

“Why does it? Don’t you think Roger’s done enough damage?”

“Look, technically Roger never took part in any of that stuff—I’m just saying!”

“Don’t you dare try and defend him, Brian! It doesn’t matter that he might or might not have took part. He still spent years taunting John, just like the rest. Do you even know the things they did to him?”

John heard one of them clear their throat quietly. “I know enough—”

“—So you know how they flushed his head down the toilet, burned him with a cigarette, used him as a punching bag, and then worst of all, held him down and—”

“—I know enough, Freddie! All of that is despicable, no question. A fact I’ve told Roger on numerous occasions, believe me. But Roger isn’t the same person. He’s genuinely sorry for what he’s done. He was in a right state when we went home the other night—”

“Good!” Freddie roared, so loud that he made John jump. “I hope he spends every day of his life regretting what he did to that poor boy. That’s the least he deserves!”

It was quiet for a moment. Then Brian replied.

“All I’m suggesting is that you give John the chance to choose.”

“No! No way! I’m not letting it happen—”

“—Freddie, this isn’t your decision to make.”

“I don’t care. Read my lips, Brian. _It’s not happening_!”

“This is just—”

Brian cut himself off and watched John head into the kitchen. He folded his arms across his chest as he stood beside Freddie.

“What does he want?”

Brian blinked up at him uncertainly. “I’m sorry?”

“ _Roger_. I assume he wants something. That’s why you’re here pleading his case, right?”

Brian looked between them both uncertainly. “He…wants to meet you. On your own this time.”

“I’ve already said no on your behalf. No way is that creep coming near you again.”

John turned to look at Freddie. “I appreciate the concern, Freddie, but I’ll be fine. Brian’s right. This does need sorting. Once and for all.”

“But—” Freddie’s mouth dropped open, staring between them with wide eyes. “How do you know this isn’t just some trick to get you alone and vulnerable?”

“Oh, come off it, Roger wouldn’t do that. What would he even gain from doing that? It’s not like he’s friends with those sorts of people anymore.”

“Makes no difference. Once a bully, always a bully!”

“If that was true, I wouldn’t be friends with him.”

“Maybe you just feel sorry for him. We both know that you can’t resist helping a troubled soul—”

John huffed, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger, and raising his voice over the top of theirs. “Could both of you please shut up for a minute?”

They stared back blankly at him in response.

“John, you can’t really be considering this—”

“—If I agree to meet him,” John said again, loud enough to drown out Freddie. “I have a few conditions of my own.”

Brian nodded. “Understandable. Go on.”

“The first would be that we meet in a public place. Somewhere I feel safe. Like at _The Alchemist_.”

“Okay.”

“And the second is for Freddie to be around. He doesn’t have to sit with us, but I’d still feel safer knowing that Freddie’s in the background somewhere.”

“Was that it? Fine, done. When did you want to do this? Roger was happy to leave the where and when completely up to you.”

Freddie huffed in response, grumbling _I bet he was_ under his breath.

“Tonight. Saves dragging it out. I’ve got an afternoon shift. I’ll meet him when I finish, at six. Before happy hour starts.”

-o-

_The Alchemist_ was where Brian and John had met. They applied for the same trial shift, and both had ended up with the job. They’d bonded over their love of books and space.

It was during their first shift that Freddie had popped in to see how John was getting on. He came back in every night for the next two weeks. In the end, John got tired of watching Brian and Freddie making eyes from across the bar. He took it upon himself to arrange a date, even covering Brian’s shift for him.

The rest as they say was history.

John had chosen a table in plain view. Next to the bar and easily visible. Freddie had picked a spot conspicuousness enough that he would be able to see them, but not the other way around.

Freddie had given him a hug before he’d left John’s table. John could have done with another one right about now.

Instead, he picked up his glass and took a sip, hoping the alcohol might calm his nerves. But all it did was force John to try not to bring his lunch back up.

“I figured you might have been a _Mojito_ kind of guy.”

John sat up so fast that his knees jerked, hitting the base of the table.

It seemed that just like John, Roger had perfected the art of sneaking up on people. He offered a sympathetic smile as John’s wide eyes met his.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you jump.”

John shook his head, quickly looking away again. It was awkward already, painfully so. _Why had he agreed to put himself through this_?

“I’m going to head over and get a drink. Did you want anything?”

John cleared his throat quietly, not looking up. “No, thank you.”

John stirred his drink and lifted his gaze enough to watch Roger at the bar. He was chatting to Lucy, the pretty brunette who started working there last week. John turned away and continued to fiddle with his straw.

By the time he headed back over, John didn’t feel quite so anxious. But with one look at Roger—

“I got a whiskey sour. Brian used to make these all the time when he first started working here.”

He watched Roger take a sip. Then his gaze moved back to the booth in the corner. He could just make out Freddie’s dark hair.

“Thank you for meeting me. I’m sure it would have only been too easy to tell me to go fuck myself.”

“I was tempted,” John said as lightly as possible.

“Understandable. Nevertheless, it takes courage to give someone a second chance. Especially after all that I’ve done. To you.”

John stared at him from underneath his eyelashes. Roger seemed oblivious as he scooped his phone out of the back pocket of his jeans.

“Sorry. It’s Brian. Wanting to know how things are going.”

Seconds later, John’s phone vibrated on the table.

_Breathe. You like you’re about to pass out._

“Freddie?”

John murmured, using the time that Roger took fiddling with his phone to text Freddie back.

_Stop worrying, I’m fine. X_

The minute he put the phone down, it vibrated again.

_What’s the DH saying?_

John sent a quick text back.

_I’ll tell you later. I’ll text if I need to make a quick exit. X_

_Okay. Love you._

John smiled, putting his phone face down on the table. By the time he looked up, Roger was openly staring. John struggled not to blanch. By the way that Roger quickly looked away, he hadn’t succeeded.

“Sorry. It’s just…it’s been a while.”

“Four years to be exact.”

That time, it was Roger who flinched, as if uncomfortable about the reminder. John felt a smidge of satisfaction.

“So anyway…Brian was saying you study Electrical Engineering. You always were a bit of a brainbox.”

John stirred his straw again, keeping his gaze on his glass as he replied. “It’s not that much of a complex subject. Neither is it everyone’s cup of tea. But I’ve always found that sort of thing interesting.” John said with a shrug. “Brian said you study Biology.”

“Yeah that’s right. Originally, I signed up to do Dentistry, but I dropped out two weeks before I was supposed to start. Mum wanted to kill me when I told her.”

“I never used to think you liked science.”

“No, well that was back then. When I was an arsehole. Think I was more interested in sneaking round to the back of the bike sheds for a cigarette or a snog. As well as… _other stuff_.” He confessed, his cheeks slightly pink. “Rather than pay attention to school.”

“I’ll agree with the arsehole part.”

Roger looked up, his blue eyes wide and questioning.

“So erm…” John said, quickly looking away again. “What does a Biology degree actually entail? Like, what is it you’re hoping to do after you finish university?”

“Ideally? Nothing. Nothing to do with Biology anyway. The dream is to be a drummer. That’s why I wanted to move to London in the first place. Perfect location for an aspiring musician.”

“Fair enough.”

“And you? Brian mentioned something about wanting to work in a studio.”

“That would be ideal. I play a bit of bass too.”

“Oh really? I didn’t know that.” Roger said, sounding vaguely more interested than John would have expected him to be. “Are you any good?”

“I’m okay. It’s more of a hobby.”

“Well, that’s cool. It’s healthy to have hobbies.”

John sighed, pushing a strand of hair behind his ear. “Look…I just want to say that me and you…we’re never going to be friends.”

Roger inhaled deeply, his expression tightening in response. “I had a feeling you might say that.”

“Too much has happened for that to be possible.”

Roger nodded, his eyes glued to his glass. “I get it. You don’t owe me an explanation.”

“I know I don’t. I just wanted to make that clear.”

“Okay, well…noted.”

John pursed his lips, before he forced his next words out. “However, you’re Brian’s friend, and I’m Freddie’s friend. We need to be civil for their sakes. Or at the very least, pretend to get along.”

“Agreed.”

“Well, I’ve said all I need to.”

“So is that it?”

“I think so. Unless you’ve got something else you’d like to say.”

“Erm…” Roger hesitated. “Just to apologize again. For everything that happened. And to reassure you that I’m not the same person I was four years ago.”

John finished his drink and sent a quick text to Freddie to tell him to meet him outside. “We’ll see if that’s true.”

-o-

“What do you think to this?”

John looked up from his phone, to see Freddie step out behind the dressing room curtain again.

“It’s… _floral_.”

Freddie huffed, putting a hand on his hip. “That’s exactly the point, darling.”

“Why don’t you try something a bit plainer? Something that doesn’t make you look as if you’re off to Hawaii.”

Freddie wrinkled his nose in response. “You know I don’t do _plain_. Plain is boring.”

“Which you’re definitely not.”

“Exactly!”

John finished replying to a message and put his phone away. “Just wait there. I’ll grab a couple of things I saw earlier.”

He pushed them into Freddie’s hands and shooed him back behind the curtain. Then he sat on the sofa again and waited for Freddie to reappear.

As soon as he did, John smiled, his gaze running over the forest green silk shirt tucked into a pair of grey trousers. Freddie frowned down at himself.

“I’m really not sure this is me, John.”

“But you look really nice, honestly. That green shirt really brings out the brown of your eyes.”

“Consider me convinced, darling,” Freddie smiled, appearing to be won over.

“Well that was considerably easier than I thought it would be,” John teased.

They went for lunch after. Freddie spent most of the time talking about how nervous he was to finally be meeting Brian’s parents.

“You’ll be fine. They’ll love you, Freddie. They’ve got to. It’s impossible not to.”

“I wish I had your faith. It sounds as if they might already know me a little too well. Brian seems to have spent the last six months telling them virtually everything about me.”

“I’m not so sure that’s a good thing.”

Freddie laughed in response. “I know. That’s what I said. Let’s just hope he wasn’t too detailed. Especially with the things that happened on our holiday together.”

“I certainly hope not. It was bad enough you trying to tell me,” John said with a shudder.

Freddie raised his beer to take a sip, and then put it back down with a smile. “It was a massive thing you did, by the way. Offering Roger an olive branch.”

John pushed aside his plate, offering a small shrug in response. “I just figured it needed to happen sooner rather than later. With him being Brian’s friend.”

“It still can’t have been easy. Not after the way he treated you. I hope you didn’t just do it for mine and Brian’s sakes.”

John avoided Freddie’s gaze, tracing the markings on the panelling of their table. “Obviously, you were both part of the reason. But I just didn’t want it to be awkward. Not if we’re going to be bumping into each other more often.”

“Darling, you don’t have to do anything. If having him around bothers you, I’ll happily tell him to get lost.”

“But that’s not fair, Freddie,” John said reluctantly. “Not on Brian. Perhaps it’s better that we both try and start over. Clean slate and all that.”

John wondered if there would come a day when he’d ever believe that statement. He cleared his throat nervously, still feeling Freddie’s gaze on him.

“Anyway, I think erm…I think it helped. Meeting up with him. I feel different. I don’t know whether it was just because I was in a safe location, but he doesn’t frighten me anymore. And so I guess…he can no longer hurt me.”

Freddie beamed in response, leaning over to press his hand on top of John’s. “That’s wonderful news, sweetie! I’m so proud of you. At least, the one positive out of all of this might be that it allows you to move on more fully.”

“Thanks, Fred,” John said, forcing a tight smile, and ignoring the guilt at having lied to his best friend about giving Roger an olive branch. “Should we grab the bill and go?”

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you enjoyed the chapter! I know I'm a little early posting, but it's my birthday today so I felt like posting one today and another one on Monday. Hope it was worth it! I am trying to get around to replying to everyone's messages, so if I haven't replied yet, I promise you I will, I've just been really busy lately. Anyway, I'll update as usual on Monday, so until then...  
> I've had the best day! Been dancing around the kitchen to Queen for most of the afternoon, whilst using my new coffee machine, and I'm about to watch BoRhap with Mum for about the millionth time, which I'm really excited about.
> 
> Take care and thank you so much for all of your lovely reviews! :) <3


	4. Cause We Only Just Got Started...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ROGER'S POV
> 
> Roger seeks help again in the aftermath of seeing John for the first time in four years...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS AHEAD: Swearing and frequent implied mentions of suicide/suicidal thoughts, and depression/self-harm.

_Roger watched the bland English countryside slowly give way to skyscrapers and rows upon rows of housing estates from his seat on the train._

_London was a bustling city. Worlds away from the quiet corner of Truro that he grew up in._

_Yet Roger felt disconnected from all of it, as he joined the back of the queue to get off._

_Brian was waiting at the end of the platform, a nervous smile on his face as he pulled him into a hug. Roger rest his chin against his shoulder, their last conversation drifting through his head…_

_He’d trashed his room. Then collapsed in a heap besides his bed._

_The flash of metal in the sunlight caught his eye._

_A knife was set against a tea plate on his bedside table. Leftover from his late-night snack._

_Roger considered it for one brief second. Then he chickened out and rang Brian instead._

_“I can’t fucking do this anymore! I mean it! I’ve got nothing left and it’s all my fucking fault! John’s never coming back! My Mum can barely tolerate being in the same room as me! I’m failing in all of my exams! I just want it all to stop! I’m sick of everything!”_

_Once he calmed down, Brian had ordered him to pack up whatever necessities he needed and come to London. He’d sort the rest._

_“How are you feeling?” Brian asked. Then he winced. “Sorry. Stupid question.”_

_Roger forced a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, as he pulled away. “Okay. Thanks for letting me stay at your place.”_

_Brian immediately waved away his gratitude. “Don’t sweat it. Mum and Dad seem excited at having you stay. Think they’re hoping you’ll rub off on me. They reckon I spend far too much time studying these days. But then it’s like I said, maybe that’s true, but I have to do that if I want to get into university, don’t I? It’s really hard to get onto an Astrophysics course.”_

_Roger nodded weakly in response._

_Brian took his holdall out of his hands and pat Roger on the back. “Come on. Let’s go home.”_

_-o-_

_Brian secured him an immediate therapy session through the NHS on the basis that Roger could be considered a danger to himself._

_He spent the next month tutoring him in all the subjects Roger was failing in._

_Things seemed like they were slowly getting better._

_But Roger was used to bottling up his emotions by now._

_On the outside, his face was a perfectly blank canvas. A façade of fake smiles and laughing along to repeats of Friends on the TV._

_At night, he’d crack. Hidden away in his own room as he sobbed into his pillow and willed the pain to go away. Or to lose the ability to ever feel again._

_Whichever would be easier._

_His dreams taunted him._

_Images of John’s beautiful face twisted in fear. The sound of his screams repeated on a loop._

_Images of burnt skin, his head rammed down the privy, his body curled in on itself as the others aimed their kicks and punches…_

_On occasion, he’d replay John being held down by four sets of hands as Steven pulled at the waistband of his swimming trunks._

**_Please, please, no. I’ll do anything, please!_ **

_Roger would cry himself awake, his pyjamas sticking to his skin. Then he’d run to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet as he threw up the entirety of the previous night’s dinner._

_It came to a head when Brian’s parents went to visit family for the weekend._

_Roger had woken up needing a piss and heard them arguing the night before they left, the light in the living room catching his eye._

_“—I’m just saying! He can’t stay here forever! He doesn’t even know what he wants to do with his life. At least Brian has a job, has plans to go to university, has something steady to aspire to.”_

_“Yes but Harold, darling, what do you expect? His head is still all over the place. We have to give him time to settle.”_

_“Yes, but whose fault is that?” Then he sighed. “I know I sound heartless, but we’re not the boy’s parents. He shouldn’t be our responsibility, Ruth.”_

_Roger bit his lip, fighting back tears, as he tiptoed back to his room. He added it to the long list of things he blamed himself for._

_He’d lay awake, knowing. Brian would be next._

_It was inevitable he’d get fed-up of him too._

_Then Roger really would have nobody._

_He waved Brian off to work like normal the following evening._

_“Before you go,” Roger said quietly, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “I just wanted to thank you again. For everything you’ve done for me, Brian.”_

_Brian smiled in response, surprise in his eyes. “Don’t be silly, you don’t need to do that. What are friends for?”_

_“Still,” Roger said. He shoved his hands in the back pockets of his jeans. “I know it can’t have been easy. I definitely didn’t make it easy. Being my friend. And well…erm…I just wanted you to know that I love you man. As my best mate, and as a brother.”_

_Brian looked down at his shoes. By the time he looked back up, his eyes weren’t so glassy. “I’d erm…I’d better go. Before I’m late for work.”_

_“Yeah, of course. Sorry. I didn’t think.”_

_“No need to apologise,” Brian insisted, hie eyes flickering over Roger’s face for a moment. And then he stepped forwards and pulled him into a hug. “Just know that I love you too. And that you’re the best friend I could ask for.”_

_Roger swallowed back the lump in his throat and hugged him back. He eventually forced himself to pull away when he felt Brian start to do to the same._

_Then he watched Brian walk away, trying to memorise his best friend’s features one last time._

_He went back inside and reached for the journal Brian had brought him for his therapy sessions. He went in search of Brian’s Mum’s medication. And lastly, grabbed the bottle of whiskey he knew was stashed away in the kitchen cupboard._

_Then, he began to write._

_He sat on the floor besides the bed, crying over everything that could have been. The life he could have had if he’d only given himself that chance. Willing himself to find the courage to reach for that first tablet…_

_It was all a little blurred after that._

_One of his first memories afterwards was waking up in hospital. Brian was asleep by his bedside, his hand in his._

_The second, was of Brian helping Roger to pack up his things when he was discharged. They were both sat on the bed, staring out into the hospital courtyard._

_“Why did you do it?”_

_Roger’s hands shook in his lap._

_He watched a blackbird land, peck at the grass, and then fly off. He was envious. Sometimes he wished he could do that. Fly off to somewhere nobody knew him. Start all over again._

_“I wrote a letter—”_

_“Yes, I know. I read it. Were you really that desperate to die?”_

_When Roger didn’t say anything, Brian began to tap his feet, nervous energy making his legs bounce._

_“Do you…still feel like that?”_

_Roger answered that with a defensive shrug as he stared down at his tatty, Adidas trainers._

_“I knew something was wrong. When you didn’t answer my calls, I came straight back. But I never imagined…” Brian broke off to take a shaky inhale of breath. “Just please. Promise me you won’t try anything like that again. However hard it gets. You still have people who care. Your sister hasn’t stopped ringing. She’s booked a train to come down first thing tomorrow morning.”_

_Guilt clawed at Roger’s insides. His body shook before he could stop it. Traitor tears rolled down his face._

_Brian sighed in response, shuffling closer, his arm winding around his back._

_“I just need you to know that you’re not alone in this, Rog. Even your Mum’s worried. Mum and Dad rang her earlier. She said she’ll talk to you when we get back home. She said she was going to visit but she wasn’t if she’d be wanted,” Brian paused, watching Roger wipe away his tears. “I believe her. Mum said she sounded really upset on the phone.”_

_Roger forced a small nod, biting his bottom lip to try and stop more tears from falling._

_“So? You promise? I’ll be by your side every step of the way mate, but you have to want to live too. You have to want to fight. So please. Say you’ll try.”_

_Roger cleared his throat quietly, conscious of how gruffly his voice sounded. “Okay.”_

_It was a start._

_Brian sighed, relief in his voice. “Come on. Let’s go home. Mum said we can get a takeaway tonight. Your choice.”_

_Life carried on regardless._

_Brian walked him to and from his therapy sessions. Roger got the impression he was making sure he went. He’d offer a smile of sympathy when Roger came out with bloodshot eyes and a red, sniffly nose. Roger hung his head in shame, shoving his hands in the pockets of his hoodie._

_Brian bumped his arm with his. “I’m proud of you, you know.”_

_Roger sighed heavily in response. “Brian—”_

_“I’m just saying. I’m allowed to be proud of my best friend’s achievements, aren’t I? You’re doing well in school. You’re attending all your sessions. You still can’t kick a football to save your life, but—”_

_“Says you!”_

_Brian’s lips quickly curved upwards into a triumphant smile._

_He was silent again for ages. Until they got outside his house and Brian reached for his key. He twirled it in his hand and paused in the driveway._

_“Maybe this is what you’re supposed to do.”_

_Roger turned to look at Brian questioningly._

_“Live with it, I mean. Deal with it, even. Everything that happened to you. Everything that you did. Maybe that’s how you’ll finally learn to move on. Be happy even.”_

_Roger nodded. He found himself hoping that Brian was right about that._

_“Oh and erm…about what you said. In that letter.”_

_Roger blinked uncertainly. “We don’t need to talk about that.”_

_“I know, I just…I wanted you to know. That you were wrong.” Brian said, fiddling with his keys as he talked. “You’re not a burden. Mum and Dad love having you round. They’ve just been stressed about money lately. They don’t hate you, and neither do I. You said it yourself, we’re practically brothers.”_

_Roger’s gaze flickered up to meet Brian’s._

_He reached forwards, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze. “And for the record, I kicked your arse fair and square that day me and you went to the park in the summer holidays. You’re just a sore loser.”_

_Brian pulled away with a grin, and focused on getting his key in the lock of the front door. Roger smiled in response, feeling lighter than he had in years…_

**Four Years Later…**

“Roger! Nice to see you again.”

“I could say the same to you, Doctor. Still looking as fine as ever, I see.”

She rolled her eyes and tilted her head back towards her office. “Come on. I’m not paid enough to stand here being flirted at for the next hour.”

“Don’t pretend you don’t love it.”

“I should think not, given that I’m old enough to be your mother.”

Roger made an over the top snort of disbelief as he followed her through the doorway. “More like my more mature sister surely. Or even better, distantly related cousin.”

She shook her head slowly as she shut the door behind him. “I can see you’ve not changed much in the two years I’ve not seen you.”

“Some would say I’m better looking.”

“Just as modest too,” she teased.

They both knew that his flirting was a defence mechanism that he’d picked up from an early age.

Dr Hale could easily have been in her forties. She had golden blonde curls, and dark blue eyes. Roger often felt like she could somehow read every thought he’d ever had. It was unsettling to say the least. But he supposed that was what made her good at her job.

She offered a small smile as she sat on the sofa opposite. “How have you been Roger?

“Alright. Better.”

She gave a disbelieving nod of her head.

Roger sighed as he moved to pour himself a glass of water. Might as well be honest.

“Recently, there’s been a few changes in my life. I thought by reaching out for help now, it’ll stop me from slipping back into…negative thoughts patterns.”

She nodded again. “That seems like a very wise decision. Tell me about these changes.”

“Brian, my friend, has just recently got engaged to Freddie, his boyfriend. I honestly couldn’t be happier for him.”

She smiled in response. “Congratulations to your friend.”

“Exactly. It’s great news. I finally got to meet Freddie the other day. See, they’ve not been together that long. Anyway, Freddie’s best friend and flatmate, just so happens to be _John_. As in the guy I went to school with.”

“So you managed to track him down? Like you talked about?”

“Only…neither of us really expected it.”

She gave a sympathetic smile in response. “So how did it go? When you came face to face again?”

Roger sighed quietly at her question. “About as well as could be expected. But he did agree to meet me again yesterday. To talk about everything. That’s got to be a step in the right direction, right?”

“Maybe,” she said vaguely. “I guess it depends on what he actually said.”

Roger frowned in response.

“Well he kind of…made it clear we’re never going to be friends. He suggested that we should put on this façade of getting along for our friend’s sakes, which is…well, shit really, isn’t it? But then what can I expect given all that’s happened between us?”

“What would you like to happen, Roger? Ideally?”

Roger fiddled with his hands. Tapped his feet against the floor. Wiped his clammy hands against his lap. Anything to distract himself from the way she was watching him.

“Ideally? He’d somehow learn to forgive me. But let’s face it. That’s never going to happen.” He griped, picking at the callouses on his fingertips. “And who can blame him? I made his life hell. I know I should count myself lucky he’s even pretending to tolerate me.”

Trouble was, Roger had always wanted _more_. And the more he denied it, the more he wanted it.

“But you want more,” she said, reading him like a book. “Do you not think that if you give him time, he might learn to see you differently?”

Roger said nothing. Instead he frowned unconvinced.

She cleared her throat in response. He stared at her from underneath his eyelashes expectantly.

“Tell me Roger. Are you still having those same nightmares?”

-o-

“I bring dinner.”

Brian grinned as he watched Roger set aside the bag of fish and chips on the kitchen worktop.

“I am privileged. What’s the occasion?”

“No occasion. Just fancied a treat. And it saves you from cooking.”

“I won’t argue with that logic,” Brian said as he helped Roger grab out the wrappings from inside the plastic bag.

They sat in the living room, watching repeats of _Only Fools and Horses_ whilst they ate. Every so often, they’d make idle chit-chat.

“Did you do anything after you finished university?”

Roger took his time chewing. Carefully thinking out his response. “Not really. Just went into town with a few mates from my course. You?”

“I just came home. Sad, I know, but I had this essay I wanted to finish off.”

Roger just smiled in response. It was easier this way. It saved Brian the headache of feeling like he was caught in the middle. “Fair enough.”

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!! Hope you enjoyed the next instalment. Oh god, poor Roger. :( I just want to hug him!
> 
> So I hope that chapter made sense. What I'm thinking of doing in every chapter is having a flashback at the beginning so that you can get a rough idea of the things that happened in the past which lead up to John leaving school and Roger basically feeling as if he had no other way out.  
> In John's POV, they'll start from the very beginning, starting with him meeting Roger for the first time in the last chapter.  
> In Roger's POV, they'll start from the very end and work backwards, so eventually, they'll overlap somewhere in the fic.  
> Hope that makes sense! Let me know what you think of the idea and of the story so far.
> 
> I promise, things will slowly start to get easier for Roger soon. I’m not that mean, I swear haha. 
> 
> Also, I honestly can't thank you enough for your wonderful reviews. I'm still catching up with them all, but I can promise you, I'm determined to read them all.
> 
> Thanks again for listening to me ramble. Take care all, and I shall be back same time next week. :)


	5. Let Your Heart Rule Your Head Tonight...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's POV
> 
> John has a flashback, before running into Roger at the pub. He asks Freddie for a favour, attempting to move on from the past. Even if it seems like Roger doesn't want him to...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Minor violence in the beginning, homophobic language, and swearing. Also, brief smut is mentioned later on in the chapter.

_Tears pooled in the corners of John’s eyes as he stood back up and dusted himself off. He could feel his face growing pinker at the sound of laughter. His gaze drifted back and forth, searching for an opening in the crowd._

_The dark haired boy in front of him, Steven, laughed louder. “Aww, you looking for help, Deacon? When are you going to realise that nobody likes weirdos like you.”_

_John said nothing as he attempted to push his way out of the circle of people. Steven dragged him back by the collar of his shirt._

_“Hey! Didn’t Mummy ever tell you that it’s rude to walk away when people are still talking to you?”_

_“Get off of me!”_

_The crowd began to chant. **Fight, fight, fight!**_

_John tried to shove Steven away. But John was weaker. So he begged instead. **Please. Please just let me go.**_

_Steven seemed to find that more amusing._

_“Gladly,” he laughed. “Once I’ve taught you a lesson. Freak.”_

_Steven launched his fist forwards. John tumbled to the ground again._

_He could taste blood as he bit his bottom lip to stop it from wobbling. He blinked away his tears, refusing to give them the satisfaction of seeing him cry. He used his shaking hands to push himself back upright, noticing how he’d grazed them on the way down._

_He looked up from underneath his eyelashes. Roger was staring directly at him, a strand of dirty blonde hair in his eyes. His arms were folded over his chest, pity in his eyes. Then one of his friends turned towards him, and it was quickly replaced with a hollow laugh._

_John fought back as much as he could. When that didn’t work, he waited for it to be over instead._

_Once Steven had his fill, he shoved John back towards the floor with a snicker. “Come on. Let’s leave the faggot to it.”_

_John remained on the floor, his chest heaving. He watched them all disperse as they all headed for their next class._

_“You alright mate?”_

_John looked up quickly._

_A boy stood over him, a frown on his face. He reached his arm out. John hesitated, his gaze flickering between the boy’s face and his outstretched hand. He eventually accepted it gingerly, and pulled away again almost as soon as he’d found his balance._

_“Thanks.”_

_“Don’t mention it,” the boy said as his eyes flickered over John’s expression. “What happened to your face?”_

_“Nothing. Wrong time, wrong place.”_

_The boy nodded slowly in response. “Well, we should get you cleaned up. Unless the plan was for you to wonder around school looking like you’d just completed twelve rounds with Muhammed Ali?”_

_John shook his head, dropping his gaze as the boy smiled at him._

_“That was a joke, by the way,” the boy said quietly. “Probably a rubbish one. I’m Lewis. Lewis Wright. I just moved down from London.”_

_John thought he recognised the accent. “I’m John Deacon.”_

_The boy’s smile grew bigger. “Nice to meet you John.”_

_John let himself stare. Just for a moment. Over his dark skin, his brown eyes, and wide lips._

_Maybe he was an idiot for being so trusting. But there was something…calming about being in Lewis’s presence._

_“Likewise,” John said shyly…_

“Earth to John?”

John looked up from where he was wiping the bar. Lucy was staring at him expectantly. He felt a little dazed. He hadn’t let himself think about Lewis in so long…

“Sorry?”

She rolled her eyes in response. “I said _table four’s been asking for you_.”

“For me?”

“Yeah. It’s the cute blonde from the other day. He’s sat with Brian.” Lucy wrinkled her nose. “Lucky bastard. I was hoping to serve him.”

“Feel free.”

“No, I’d best not. My Mum’s popping in on her way home from my Grandparents and if she sees me flirting, she’ll only end up coming over and embarrassing me.”

“God forbid,” John mumbled dryly under his breath.

He slowly and reluctantly headed over to the table in the corner. Brian offered a smile. John turned his head to watch Roger read aloud from the menu.

“Ooh, I might get some chilli fries actually!”

“Hey John, how are you?”

Roger looked up at Brian’s voice, and smiled instantly. “Hi John! Me and Brian thought we’d pop in and surprise you.”

“Consider me surprised,” John said mildly, quickly looking back at Brian. He offered him a tight smile. “I hope you didn’t just ask for me because you were expecting staff discount.”

Brian laughed in response. “I didn’t think of that. No, it was Roger’s idea actually. Thought it might be nice to invite you and Fred to the cinema with us later.”

John scanned Roger’s face uncertainly. “I’m not really keen on films.”

“I thought you were into sci-fi stuff?”

John sighed in response. “I am. It’s just…I don’t really fancy the cinema.”

“Oh. Fair enough.” Brian said, a little taken aback. “A drink then? I could text Freddie to meet us in a bit. What time do you get off?”

“Err…” John had never been the best liar. Especially not under pressure. John’s shoulders slumped in defeat. “An hour.”

“Perfect!” Roger said chirpily. “Me and Brian was thinking of ordering some food whilst we wait.”

“Did you not think me and Freddie might have wanted food too?”

Roger blinked up at John, his smile fading quickly. “Yeah, of course. I didn’t think. We’ll wait for you then.”

“Don’t bother. I’ll just grab something from the back.”

Brian cleared his throat, quickly making an excuse about needing to use the toilet. John waited until he was out of earshot before he turned back to Roger. “What was that?”

“What was _what_?” Roger asked with furrowed brows after sipping his drink. “I thought the idea was to at least pretend to get along for their sakes?”

“That doesn’t give you permission to haul me over here.”

“I only did that because Brian mentioned you were working today—”

“—And you thought it was the perfect opportunity for us all to hang out?”

“Yes actually. I mean we have to make it look convincing, don’t we?”

“No!” John hissed, anger flaring at Roger’s words. “ _I_ shouldn’t have to do anything. As far as Brian and Freddie are concerned, we’ve agreed to get along so that when we bump into each other at their engagement party or their wedding, it won’t be awkward. That’s as far as it goes. And in no way, does that make us friends.”

Roger stared at John from underneath his eyelashes, his expression even. “I know that. I just thought—”

John turned away before he could finish that sentence. He’d heard enough. Roger Taylor would never change.

Nevertheless, he still found himself gritting his teeth when he joined the three of them at their table. He spoke when necessary, forcing polite smiles. He was only too happy to leave when Freddie mentioned about having an early lecture.

When they got home, John flicked the kettle on with a sigh.

“Fred, I…I’ve been thinking.”

“Sounds ominous, sweetie.”

John preoccupied himself with grabbing their cups from the cupboard. “Could you set me up? With one of your friends like you offered to ages ago. It’s just that I’m not having much luck on my own, and I could really do with—”

“—Oh sweetie, say no more. Of course I will! You won’t regret asking me, I promise.”

“Thanks.”

Within two minutes of Freddie musing out-loud about which one of his friends he could set John up with, John was in fact, already regretting it.

-o-

John was quickly forced to eat his words however. Freddie, at least, had chosen well.

The guy from his Graphic Art and Design class was tall, dark and more than a little handsome.

He gave off a smouldering, intense vibe that immediately had John wanting to find out more about him. He also had the kind of eyes John could imagine losing himself in.

The guy raised one perfectly shaped eyebrow and John offered a smile of apology.

“Sorry. You asked me a question, didn’t you? What was it again?”

The guy’s lips rose a little in response. “You call tell me if I’m boring you.”

“I’m not bored! Not in the slightest. I find art really fascinating.”

“Really? Because Freddie said you were more into science and maths.”

“Did he?” John asked, hoping he sounded surprised. “I enjoy both. I’m studying Electrical Engineering, so I guess those are the basis of my degree. But I’m still partial to a _Van Gogh_ painting, or a… _Warhol_ exhibition.”

That time the guy— _Naveen_ —did smirk more fully. John didn’t think he’d quite managed to convince him.

John picked up his glass and took a sip, hoping he hadn’t turned too red. “So, anyway. Freddie was saying you play guitar, right?”

Things were going well.

Naveen was gorgeous, and exactly John’s type.

The more comfortable they became around each other, the more Naveen filled in any gaps of conversation. John was more than happy to let him lead.

They shared a common interest in music and science-fiction films.

John was onto his third cocktail. The rum was starting to go to his head. His skin was slightly flushed from the alcohol, giving him a pleasant buzz as he twirled a strand of hair around his finger. It didn’t help that Naveen would lick his lips every so often, immediately drawing John’s eyes to them and distracting him from what Naveen was saying.

“I like your name by the way,” John said casually as Naveen paused to take a sip of his drink. He bit his lip as Naveen gazed at him, a hint of a smile on his face. “I just mean…it’s different, you know? I’ve never heard anything like that before.”

“Thanks. It’s a family name. Given to every firstborn son. Apparently, it’s supposed to mean _beautiful_ or something in Hindi.”

“That’s pretty appropriate.”

“I’ll take the compliment coming from someone as cute as you.”

 _Cute_. John had lost count of the amount of times he’d been called that. He’d take the compliment coming from someone as gorgeous as Naveen.

John watched Naveen’s gaze flicker down to his lips, and that time, John knew he was blushing. He tucked a strand behind his ear, wondering if it would be too forward to invite Naveen back to his for a drink.

“John! What are you doing here?”

John’s buzz dissolved as quickly as it had begun as he watched Roger head over.

Roger was grinning, a glazed look in his eyes. He had a whiskey glass in his hand, which he put down as soon as he reached their table. John’s eyes were drawn to the slice of orange peel and cherry floating on a cocktail stick.

Naveen watched Roger drop into a chair between them. “Who are you?”

“So sorry, I’m being rude!” Roger apologised quickly, wiping his hand on the front of his trousers before holding it out for Naveen to shake. “I’m Roger.”

Naveen shook his hand with a smile. “Nice to meet you, Roger. I’m Naveen.”

“Naveen? That’s a cool name!”

“Thanks,” Naveen said, his eyes trailing over Roger. “So err…how do you and John know each other?”

“We’re sort of friends. Or at least, we have friends in common,” Roger said, quickly looking away to take a sip of his drink. John noticed vaguely that Roger’s cheeks were flushed from the alcohol. “What about you two? John’s not mentioned your name before.”

“We’ve only just met. We were set-up by a mutual friend.”

Roger turned his head to look at John, his eyebrows furrowed in question. John responded with a quiet _Freddie_ in answer.

“Oh, so are you guys on a date then?” Roger repeated far too loudly. He grabbed his glass and immediately stumbled back up. “Shit, my bad. I didn’t realise. I’ll get out of your hair—”

“—No, no, it’s fine, honestly,” Naveen rushed to say, sitting forwards in his chair. He tilted his head, glancing behind Roger. “Are you…on your own?”

“Erm…”

John really hoped the answer to that would be _no_. He watched Roger do a full turn, staggering slightly as he did. Then he looked between them with a sheepish smile.

“Yeah it err…looks as if I am. My friends all wanted to fuck off to some club. If I’m being honest, I much prefer the pub.”

“Same here. Well, you’re welcome to join us.”

“Only if you don’t mind?” Roger said uncertainly,

John bit his lip and fiddled with his straw, wondering why he always seemed to have the worst luck.

“Not at all,” Naveen said a little too easily. “We’ve just been talking about our favourite sci-fi films.”

“Ahh perfect,” Roger said enthusiastically as he sat back down again. “Mine’s definitely got to be between _Back To The Future_ , because _obviously_. _Jurassic Park_ , and the original _Planet of the Apes_.”

“Mate, you just listed everybody’s favourite sci-fi films!”

“Yes, because they’re classics! You can’t go wrong with the classics!” Roger argued with a smile.

John meanwhile watched the ice spin inside his glass, wishing he could somehow disappear in the same way.

-o-

John hesitated by taking a bite of his cheese and tomato toastie. He only had fifteen minutes to fill Freddie in and eat.

Freddie, not one to be discouraged, raised his eyebrows expectantly as he watched John chew.

“Come on! The suspense is killing me! I would have asked you this morning, but you snuck out before I had the chance.”

“I was letting you have a lie-in. It’s the weekend. You’re not exactly a morning person.”

“Excuses, excuses,” Freddie waved his words away with a smile. “What did you think of Naveen? Or more importantly, did you kiss and did it give you a hard-on?”

“Freddie!” John hissed, almost choking on his toastie as Lucy walked past, balancing a tray of drinks with one hand. Luckily, she didn’t seem to notice.

“What?” Freddie asked innocently as John coughed and spluttered whilst he reached for his glass of water. “I had the biggest hard-on the first time Brian kissed me. I’m not embarrassed to admit that the first thing I did was go home and have a wank—”

“— _Dear god_ , I really didn’t need to know that!” John groaned, burying his face behind his hands.

“Oh, don’t be such a prude! Naveen was hot. He seemed really interested when I showed him your profile picture.”

John dropped his hands to smile a little in response.

Freddie had chosen it. John was wearing a bow-tie and a velvet jacket. His hair was all fluffy and he had the slightest touch of blusher on his cheeks. But only because it was a photoshoot. Freddie had talked him into helping a friend out for her portfolio.

 _Darling, you’ve got the perfect cheekbones for a model!_ Freddie had insisted at the time. Then he’d spent every opportunity after that trying to convince John to let him give him a makeover.

“Yeah it err…it went well. He was interested…I think.”

Freddie’s smile faded a little. “ _You think_? Did he not make a move?”

John thought it best not to mention the mid-date interruption and risk starting world war three. “No, but the chat was easy. We both have things in common, so we had stuff to talk about. I don’t think I convinced him of my interest in art.”

Freddie rolled his eyes. “Hardly surprising. You’ve yet to convince me and I’ve known you for almost two years.”

John murmured in response, taking another bite of his toastie and swallowing, before he replied. “It probably didn’t help that you mentioned the fact that I’m more into science and maths.”

“I did you a favour, darling. It’s always better to be honest from the start. Trust me, I learned that the hard way. Remember when I told that guy I could ski? And then regretted it when he took me to one of those indoor ski places.”

John smiled in response. Freddie had come home with bruises all over him. Apparently, he’d been like Bambi on ice.

“You’ve always said you’ve got more of a ballet’s physique.”

“It’s true. I did a class at the gym the other day. Still got it.” Freddie said proudly as he raised his margherita to sip. “Anyway, back to the matter at hand. You’re a confident, red-blooded male, John. If the moment felt right, you could have made a move. Take control, darling!”

“Well…maybe I will,” John said defensively. “Maybe I’ll even text him now to arrange another date.”

“Good, do it! What are you waiting for?”

John reached for his phone before he could talk himself out of it. He sent a text to thank him for a great first date and to ask him out tomorrow night. Within minutes, his phone vibrated against the bar. Freddie squealed, clapping his hands excitedly.

“ _Ooh_ , what’s he saying? What’s he saying?”

John’s smile disappeared briefly when he saw the text. “ _Oh_. He said he can’t do tomorrow night…but he can do Monday. At six, at that bar on the corner of Mayflower Road.”

“It’s nice in there! Say yes, say yes!”

“Alright, alright,” John said, laughing at Freddie’s eagerness as he quickly sent a text back. “Done.”

“Oh, I’m so excited for you, darling! We should do face masks the night before, make sure your skin is glowing for your second date. Ooh, we could even put a bit of make-up on you beforehand, just enough to give your cheeks a lift—”

“Absolutely not, Freddie! You’re not going near me with a make-up brush,” John insisted, quickly seizing his chance to get back to work.

-o-

John’s giddiness at seeing Naveen again didn’t take long to vanish. They’d been together less than half an hour, and already Roger’s name had cropped up at least half a dozen times.

“It’s great. That you and him have so much in interest,” John said through barely gritted teeth.

“Did you know he’s a drummer? I’m thinking of inviting him to audition for the band. Our one is good, but he’s probably going to quit in order to focus more on his degree. Trouble is I haven’t got Roger’s number.”

“No, neither have I,” John said, feeling a pang of satisfaction that he hadn’t. He didn’t mention that Brian would have undoubtedly had it.

“That’s too bad.”

John murmured distractedly as he took a sip of his drink.

“Look, it’s our second date. I think you’ve earned the right to tell me to shut up if I’m rambling again.”

John looked up blankly. “Huh? Oh. You’re not rambling, honestly. I think it’s cool that you’re so into your music.”

“Even still, I want to hear more about you. I feel like we didn’t really get to do that on our first date.”

John wasn’t sure what was worst. Talking about Roger or talking about _him_.

“There’s not much to say,” John offered shyly. “Unfortunately, I’m not quite as interesting as you. I like sci-fi films, comics, that sort of thing. I like cars, and I enjoy my degree. I used to spend hours reading books on electrical engineering and then I’d start fixing things round the house. Oh, and I play the bass too. Just as a hobby.”

“I forgot you play the bass. It’s a pity we already have one of those. You’ve definitely got the hands for it.”

“That’s a shame,” John said without once ounce of regret. He didn’t like drawing attention to himself. That’s why him and Freddie got on so well. He usually took the spotlight off of him. John would have been practically useless in a band. “But I’d be happy to play for you sometime. I taught myself, so I’m not that brilliant, but I at least have a good grasp on the chords.”

“Alright then.”

John raised his eyebrows in surprise. “What now?”

“Yeah, why not?” Naveen said with a smile. “Unless Freddie’s back at the flat.”

“Erm…actually, no he’s not. He hosts a Cocktail society on a Monday night, so he won’t be back until late.”

“Perfect.”

He chose _Aeroplane_ by _The Red Hot Chili Peppers_ , purely because John had spent the last few months teaching himself it. He focused on the riff, on trying to get it perfect. Rather than Naveen sat in the corner of the living room, watching him with a bottle of beer in his hands.

John gave a shy smile as he set the guitar down against the wall. “It’s…a hard one. I’ve been practising for a while, but I’m not sure I’m quite there.”

“I thought you were really good actually.”

“I’m not sure about that. But thanks.”

Naveen moved to put his bottle on the table and sat on the arm of the sofa, next to John. He rest his arm against John’s shoulders.

“I’ve got a feeling you probably say that about everything you’re good at,” Naveen said lightly, his gaze flickering over John’s face. “Which definitely makes me curious about what you might be like in bed.”

John stared back, unsure how to respond. He felt warm all over, and heat pooled low in his gut at the look Naveen was giving him. His breath hitched as Naveen’s lips touched his, kissing him long and languidly. There was a confidence in the way he placed himself in John’s lap and began to grind against him.

John felt dizzy.

Naveen was such a good kisser, and John was hard already.

He didn’t use too much tongue, he was firm, but not too rough, and he had the softest lips. The kind John could imagine kissing down his body…

It usually took John longer to feel comfortable enough to consider being naked in front of somebody else. But Naveen was gorgeous and so willing in his arms.

And it had also been a while.

John had been on his fair share of disastrous dates lately.

The flush of alcohol made John feel bolder.

John pulled back, a flutter of excitement building inside of him as he saw the want in Naveen’s eyes reflected back. “Erm did you…want to go to my room?”

“Lead the way, beautiful.”

It was incredible.

Naveen was intense, unyielding. He fucked into John with a raw determinedness, and touched John with an easy rhythm that had John coming far quicker than he’d have liked.

Unsurprisingly, there was no awkwardness afterwards.

John remained in bed, the duvet pooled around his waist as he watched Naveen wonder to and from the bathroom.

He smiled as he shut John’s door behind him. “What?”

“Nothing, I just…I envy your confidence.”

Naveen’s smile grew wider in response. “I don’t know why. You’ve got an amazing body. You should feel proud to show it off.”

“I’d much rather stare at yours.”

“Feel free.”

John got up to put on some music, letting it drift into the background as they went back to kissing and touching each other. After a while, John offered to go and grab them both another beer. Naveen smiled knowingly as he watched John put his underwear back on.

“It’s just to be safe. It’d be a little awkward if Freddie was to suddenly pop back.”

“Okay, I’ll give you that.”

John liked the fact that Naveen didn’t seem in any rush to leave. He left Naveen propped up in bed and wondered through to the kitchen. He’d just finished opening both bottles when he heard the front door open and close, followed by a flurry of voices.

“ _Shit_!”

John grabbed the beers and prepared to make a run for it. But Roger had already turned the corner in the hallway. He suddenly felt very naked as Roger’s gaze drifted past his face.

“Did we catch you at a bad moment?”

“No,” John said defensively, still perched on the edge of the kitchen. He had the urge to set down the beers and cover his body. “I just had a shower, that’s all.”

Roger’s gaze flickered back up, a hint of a smile on his face.

“ _Oh_. Well, Freddie said you might have been home by now. Brian and I went to his cocktail society and he invited us back for a beer.”

“ _Correction_ : I invited Brian, and blondie invited himself.”

“Yeah well, same thing,” Roger said cheerfully. “Anyway, I can see you’ve already beaten us to it. Cheers mate.”

John blinked as Roger grabbed one of the beers off of him. “Oh no that’s for—”

“—So Freddie managed to get a hold of you then? To let you know we were coming back?” Brian asked as he headed past Roger in the doorway.

“No, I already told you. John wasn’t answering his phone,” Freddie said as he too appeared around the corner in their hallway. His eyebrows furrowed when he saw John in a state of undress. “So how did your date go then?”

“The thing is Fred, Naveen’s still—”

“— _Oh_. Hello!” Freddie said in surprise, as Naveen paused in the doorway of John’s bedroom.

John was equally relieved and disappointed to see that he was fully dressed again.

“Hey, Freddie. How are you?”

“Very well thanks. Did you want to join us for a beer?”

“Oh erm…” Naveen turned his head to offer John an uncertain smile. “Yeah okay.”

By the time John came back from getting dressed, they were gathered around the kitchen table. The conversation seemed to cease a little too quickly as John sat next to Naveen.

Roger’s gaze flickered between John and Naveen.

“Well this is nice. Not awkward in the slightest— _Ouch_!”

He turned his head to glare at Brian. But Brian wasn’t looking in his direction. Instead, he was smiling uncertainly at John and Naveen. “So Naveen, Freddie was telling us that like me, you play guitar?”

John relaxed as Naveen began to talk, feeling grateful for the subject change.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the next instalment! It was slightly awkward, wasn't it? Poor John! I promise I'm trying to get around to reading everyone's wonderful feedback, and trying to reply to them as quickly as possible. Just know that it really is appreciated. It gives me the biggest smile to see so many lovely comments, especially as this story has a special place in my heart. Mainly because John is adorable and Roger is all sad, and trying his best to make amends, even if not in the right way at times.
> 
> Anyway thanks again, hope you enjoyed it, and take care all! See you again same time next week. :) <3


	6. There's A Full Moon Shinin' On The Water...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ROGER'S POV
> 
> The chapter begins with a flashback from Roger's past, shortly before John leaves school for good. Then, back in the present, Roger agrees to meet up with Naveen, where things take an unexpected turn...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Mentions of attempted physical assault and mentions of depression. Swearing throughout, and talk of a sexual nature.  
> And I think that's all to report!

_“I imagine you’ve guessed why you’ve all been called in here.”_

_Roger’s hands shook in his lap. He gripped the front of his trousers, hoping nobody would notice._

_“A student has made a serious accusation. It’s my job as headmaster to get to the bottom of it. If I don’t, then there’s a chance that the police will have to be informed and you’ll all be permanently expelled from the school.”_

_“What?” Christopher said, his arms folded against his chest and a sulky look on his face. “But that’s not fair! We didn’t even fucking do anything—”_

_“—Language like that will not be tolerated, Mr Benson,” the headmaster interrupted sternly. “I advise you to stop slouching and start taking this as seriously as I assure you, I am.”_

_Christopher gave an over the top sigh but sat up properly. He frowned at the floor._

_“The boy in question—”_

_Roger bit his lip as he gripped his trousers harder. They all knew who that was._

_“—has said that the witness got it wrong.”_

_Roger looked up at Mr Matthews in surprise._

_“He claims that there was a disagreement, then a fight broke out and it got out of hand. So by the time the witness came back with a teacher, you had all got involved, and that’s why he was pinned to the floor.”_

_He scanned each of their faces before he continued._

_“He also said that because of the scuffle, his swimming trunks had fallen down a little, and that it was not because any of you were trying to take them off as the witness claimed. Is that also true?”_

_Steven immediately nodded for the group. “Yes, it is sir.”_

_Of course he’d rather take the flack for that. When in reality, it was much worst, and his idea to begin with._

_Mr Mathews frowned, pushing his glasses closer towards his eyes._

_“You shall all be suspended for a week. You’re lucky it isn’t for longer! You were still caught fighting on school grounds, and not for the first time!” He quickly argued when all of them—minus Roger—began to complain that it wasn’t fair. “I suggest you use this opportunity to reflect on your behaviour. Suffice to say, I shall not be putting up with it any longer. Do you understand me?”_

_They all murmured in response._

_It had taken the school five years and it wasn’t enough. John would still have to face Steven when he came back. Knowing what he almost did. Roger bit his lip, stopping himself from lashing out._

_“Letters will be sent to your parents, so that they are made aware of exactly why each of you has been suspended.”_

_Roger’s stomach dropped as he imagined the look of disappointment on his Mum’s face._

_“Have any of you got anything else to say?”_

_They all shook their heads slowly._

_“Then you are all dismissed. If I hear any of you discussing this outside of the office, you can expect even further punishment.”_

_Roger stood along with the rest of them._

_“I’d like a word with you before you go actually, Mr Taylor.”_

_Steven looked back in question as Roger slumped against the chair, his hands growing clammy again. Roger quickly looked away as they all left._

_Mr Matthews leaned forwards in his chair, staring across at Roger over his glasses. “The boy in question has said that you had no part in this. Is that true?”_

_Roger swallowed thickly in response. It was true that he didn’t touch John. He’d somehow managed to get away with never having to raise a fist. Instead, he’d stayed quiet. Watching in the background. Even as Steven grabbed a hold of John’s short hair and dragged him to the floor._

_Roger forced a small nod, suddenly feeling sick._

_The headmaster sighed in response._

_“Unfortunately, this still means you’ll be suspended. I know that probably doesn’t seem fair, especially given that you’ve never actually had a fight at this school. But you’ve still been present at each one, and given how serious this matter is, it needs to be handled carefully. I think that this time away could be used to reflect on not just your own behaviour, but the people around you. Your teachers say that you’re a gifted student, Mr Taylor. But that you’re let down by the company you keep. Being popular might seem more important now, but if you keep following your friends down this path, then you’ll likely find yourself in real trouble one day.”_

_Roger kept his gaze trained on the beige carpet as he nodded. “Is that everything sir?”_

_“Yes. You can go now, Mr Taylor.”_

_Roger noticed idly the thinly veiled disappointment in the headmasters voice. He said nothing as he stood on shaking legs and left the office._

_He managed to avoid his Mum until the weekend. When the letter arrived._

_He was awoken by her barging into his bedroom, an envelope in her hands. He stared at her blearily-eyed from over the duvet, as he tugged it up to his neck immediately. “Mum, get out of my room!”_

_“Get yourself dressed and get downstairs now! I want a word about the letter I just received. And don’t think you’re spending the whole of your suspension lying in bed all day either!”_

_He fell back against his bed, blinking heavily at the ceiling, until his eyes weren’t so filled with tears. Here goes nothing…_

_She was waiting in the kitchen. Her face was blotchy with anger, as she watched him sit at the table. Vaguely, Roger could hear Clare’s bedroom door open upstairs and fought not to cringe in response. He almost did as his Mum slammed the letter down in front of him._

_“So come on then. What excuse have you got?”_

_“Nothing happened. It was a fight that got out of hand, that’s all.”_

_“So then why have you been suspended, Roger?”_

_“Because! I was still present when it went down.”_

_“Just like you were for every fight those friends of yours have had. Just like your teachers tell me during every parents evening.”_

_Roger kept his gaze on the folds of the letter, saying nothing. Knowing there was no point._

_“I’m sick of this Roger. I’m sick of making excuses. Perhaps you could have gotten away with it the first couple of years after your father went away. But that was five years ago, and instead, your behaviour’s gradually been getting worst.”_

_Roger’s hands curled into fists under the table at the mention of his father. His Mum sighed in response._

_“I just don’t understand how you can be so cruel. You more than anyone, should have sympathy for that poor lad. I’ve seen the way they chase him out of school, seen the looks you all give him. Even me having that meeting with your form tutor didn’t work! You’ve had five years to stand up to them. Or at least, walk away! And what do you do? Nothing! I’d rather you got in trouble for speaking out for what you believe in rather than…this!”_

_Roger struggled not to react. His fingernails dug into his palms as he replied. “Everything that’s happened has been their ideas. I didn’t want to do any of that stuff. I just followed them—”_

_“—What, and you think that makes it better? If they told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?”_

_Roger’s head darted up, his eyebrows furrowed in anger. “Of course I wouldn’t! That’s just stupid!”_

_“Then why?” She demanded, her voice slightly shrill. “Tell me why! Because right now, I’m disgusted with you! I’ve always tried to teach you to show compassion, to be kind, to always do the right thing, no matter how hard it might be!”_

_Roger bit his lip in response, swallowing back the lump in his throat at the disgust in his Mum’s eyes. He took a deep breath and tried again._

_“It was never meant to get this far,” he said, his voice slightly shaky. “But every time we did something, Steven wanted to take it further.”_

_“And you went along with it. Have you not got a brain in that head of yours anymore, Roger?”_

_“That’s not fair. I’ve not done anything—”_

_“—You still made that boy’s life hell! I didn’t raise you to be a bully! Your father did enough of that. All I hear is excuses. You carry on like this, and you’ll be following the same road as him at this rate.”_

_He choked on her accusation, more tears filling his eyes. He began to feel the hot embers of rage rising inside himself. He could hear his father’s mantra, niggling away at the back of his head. **Be a man for once in your life, Roger!**_

_“Fuck this!”_

_His stomach twisted at the way his Mum flinched a little when he kicked his chair back. It fell, banging against the floor with a loud clang. Then he was marching towards the front door._

_“Where do you think you’re going? You’re grounded—”_

_“—I don’t fucking care!”_

_Later, he’d be calm enough to think rationally. He’d be overwhelmed with guilt at his actions. But right now. He needed to escape. He wiped at his face with the sleeves of his hoodie, cursing every time a tear managed to roll down his cheek._

_Roger sat by the tree at the back of the local park. It was a regular haunt._

_He lit a cigarette, the sweet hit of nicotine gradually ceasing the shaking in his hands. He stayed there for hours, watching children come and go. He’d see them skip away, reaching out to take their parents hand. Then he’d hastily wipe at his eyes again, and take another drag._

_At night, he’d barely sleep. Instead, he replayed the sound of John’s pleas in his head. **P-please d-don’t! I-I’ll d-do anyth-thing!**_

_And then he’d cry and cry, wishing he could take it all back._

_His first day back arrived too quickly. Roger felt sick as he dragged his feet through the house. His eyes widened when he saw Clare and his Mum sat at the breakfast table. He’d barely seen them._

_“I thought we could have breakfast together before I drop you both off at school.”_

_His Mum offered him an uncertain smile as he began to tuck into his boiled eggs. He quickly looked away, his stomach turning in shame._

_The quiet hum of the radio filled the silence in the car._

_She dropped Clare off first, keeping quiet until she was parked outside of Roger’s school. He noticed her gaze drift over the dark circles under his eyes as she turned to look at him._

_“There’s something you should know before you go in.”_

_He waited expectantly._

_“Steven’s been expelled.”_

_His mouth dropped open slightly in response. “What?”_

_“He got into a fight whilst still suspended. A bad one from the sounds of it. The police were called. He was already on his last warning with the school. I only found out last night. Sophia’s Mum told me.”_

_Roger couldn’t get his head around it. It seemed too good to be true._

_“I choose to believe that the reason you went along with everything they did is because a part of you was scared of him, Roger,” his Mum said quietly. “So this could be a good thing. If you let it be.”_

_The others would still be at school. But they were harmless without their ringleader. Steven actively encouraged every horrible thought they’d ever had. They were like his sheep._

_This could be a new start. A chance to try and make amends for all the damage that had been done to John. Roger was suddenly so relieved that tears began to well up in his eyes. He blinked them away before they could fall. There were so many things he wanted to say. Instead—_

_“I’ll see you at home later.”_

_“Before you go,” his Mum said quickly as his hand reached for the handle. “I’m sorry for what I said. About you following your father’s path. I was just angry.”_

_He forced a small nod, bidding his goodbyes as he got out. He didn’t look back once._

_He only saw Christopher in one of his lessons. He turned away when Roger walked into the classroom. That suited him just fine._

_He sat by himself at the back of the field during lunch, eating the cheese and ham sandwich his Mum had packed._

_Still, there was no sign of John._

_So Roger waited. Outside the main building long after everyone had gone. Knowing he had football practice on a Monday._

_Lewis froze when he saw Roger. Then he scowled and walked past._

_“Hey Lewis! Hey, I’m talking to you!”_

_“Oh piss off you homophobic prick!”_

_Roger’s chest tightened at the slur. Anger forced him upwards from his perch on the wall. He had to stride to keep up with Lewis. “What did you just call me?”_

_Lewis stopped so abruptly that Roger almost crashed into him as he turned back. Then he spoke clearer and slower. “Piss off…you homophobic prick.”_

_Roger itched at his sides, curling into fists. Never had he been more tempted. “That’s a load of bollocks! I’m not a homophobe—”_

_“—No? So then why have you and your friends spent the last five years tormenting John? None of you had the balls to start a fight with me, so you made his life hell instead.”_

_Roger swallowed thickly at the accusation, knowing he couldn’t disagree with that._

_“I’m a prick, no question. I should have stood up to them. But that’s why I need to try and make things right—”_

_“—Don’t you get it! It’s too late! You’ve all got what you wanted so just leave me alone.”_

_He went to turn away, but Roger reached out to stop him, his stomach dropping in fear. “Wait, what? What does that mean? What’s ha—”_

_“—What do you think it means?” Lewis huffed as he pushed him away. “He’s gone, Roger! Him, his sister, and his Mum have all moved away! Because of you! You and your stupid mates!”_

_Lewis made an angry noise as he kicked the wall. And then winched in response._

_Roger felt sick. John had gone. Steven had been kicked out of school. He’d blown his chance._

_He noticed how Lewis’s bottom lip seemed to shake as he bit into it, his eyes a little glassy as he glared at Roger. “Stay away from me. Or I swear to god, I’ll happily beat the shit out of you. John’s not here to stop me anymore.”_

_He should have left it. But Roger had always been stubborn._

_“Do you know where he’s gone?” Roger asked, his voice desperate as he pulled Lewis back again. “I need to know where he’s moved to!”_

_Lewis’s expression twisted as he tried to shrug Roger off. But he clung on tighter. “Like I’d tell you.”_

_“This isn’t a fucking joke, Lewis! This is important! I need to make sure he’s okay! There’s things I need to explain—”_

_Lewis tore his arm out of Roger’s grasp, his hand shaping itself into a fist. He aimed it straight for Roger’s face. Roger hissed as he stumbled back, tasting blood against his lip. Lewis stared back, a smile on his face._

_“What the fuck! You just hit me—”_

_“—I did try and warn you. Next time, you won’t be so lucky.”_

_Roger felt a weird sense of pride at Lewis’s courage. He knew that punch was the least he deserved. “Lewis?”_

_He sighed, turning back to face him. “Did you not just hear a fucking word I said—”_

_“—Please just tell me where’s he gone. I wanted to apologise at the very least—”_

_“—Why? What’s the point? None of it will make any difference. Steven might have been kicked out, but it doesn’t change anything. John probably won’t ever want to come back here again, and who can blame him?” Lewis said with a huff of anger. “Just know that I’ll never forgive you for everything you did to him, for what you almost did to him. I’d promised to protect him, and less than two days later, you’d all cornered him and held him down like an animal.”_

_More tears welled up in his eyes as he turned away to shake his head at the sky. “So I guess we all let him down in the end, didn’t we?”_

_Roger’s stomach turned as he watched him walk away. He was right. The damage was done._

_His Mum went back to working all hours. Roger had a feeling she was avoiding him. He couldn’t blame her. He felt sick every time he caught his reflection. He was repulsed by his own cowardice. He wasn’t sure how he could live with himself, knowing that he’d helped chased John out of school._

_He wanted the pain to end. It was like nothing he’d experienced. It was more physical than anything he’d ever known._

_He tortured himself with the image of John, not wanting to forget his beautiful face, his wide nose, his thin lips, or his green eyes. That gap-toothed smile which Roger always found himself staring at for a moment too long._

_He cried his name in his sleep, begging for his forgiveness._

_Then one night, he had an epiphany. He couldn’t believe it had taken him quite this long to wake up and smell the coffee. Figuratively speaking._

_His eyes were damp and bloodshot, his lip quivering as he woke himself up from yet another nightmare._

_It wasn’t just a craving he felt for John, although that was certainly one aspect. His fantasies had taken on an even bigger life of their own in the last year. So much so that at times Roger would wake up from one of the few pleasant dreams he had of John, achingly hard, and longing clawing at his gut._

_The thought of never seen John again made him want to be sick. It literally made him want to die._

_That’s when he knew._

_He was in love with him. Probably had been for a long time._

_And now he’d fucked everything up, with no chance of making amends. He honestly didn’t think he’d hated himself more._

-o-

Roger winced as he set the glass back down. “Christ, you weren’t joking. That really is sour.”

“Well, it is called _Apple Sourz_.”

“Clue’s in the name, I guess.”

Lucy giggled in response, twirling a strand of brown hair around her fingers as she watched Roger put his phone down on the bar.

“John’s not in today, right?”

“No. He’s in tomorrow though.”

Roger nodded. “What about Brian?”

“He’s due in in half an hour.”

“Okay,” he said, pursing his lips in thought. “Could I just get a half-pint then beautiful?”

“Of course,” she smiled, her dark eyes lingering on his face before she turned to grab him a glass.

His phone vibrated on the bar.

_Around the corner now._

He sent a quick reply back.

_Cool. I’m just getting the drinks in_.

He was there less than a minute later. He ordered himself a vodka tonic. Roger avoided Lucy’s questioning gaze as he lead them over to a table in the corner of the room.

“Nice to see you again, mate.”

“Yeah, you too,” Naveen smiled, sitting opposite him. “I hope you don’t mind me texting you. I got your number from your friend. Brian, was it?”

“Not at all. Yeah, that’s Brian. He mentioned you were looking for a drummer for your band?”

“Yeah, we are. That’s why I wanted to meet you actually.”

Roger murmured as he shuffled out of his jacket and set it on the back of his chair. Naveen’s gaze flickered over his shirt as he talked. “I was wondering if you wanted to come and audition? Our one’s thinking of quitting so that he can concentrate on his studies, and I remembered you mentioning drumming being an interest of yours.”

“Yeah! Absolutely! That sounds amazing. Thanks for thinking of me.”

Naveen smiled, his gaze locked on his. “It’s no bother. Plus, it gave me an excuse to hang out with you again. You had quite the knowledge when it came to sci-fi films, which I thought was cool.”

“Someone has to, I guess,” Roger joked as he lifted his glass to take a sip. “How long have you been in a band anyway?”

By the time that Brian arrived, Naveen and Roger were on their third round of drinks. Roger had convinced Naveen to try a Jäger bomb and was laughing at the way Naveen was gagging in response. He grinned at Brian as he headed over to their table. “Hey Bri! I just made Naveen try his first Jäger bomb.”

“First and last, I should add,” Naveen said with a wince as he washed it down with a gulp of his beer.

“Congratulations, I guess,” Brian said uncertainly as he turned back to Roger. “Could I have a quick word?”

“I’ll leave you to it. I need the toilet anyway.” Naveen said as he stumbled up from his chair. Roger laughed at the way he was swaying just slightly as he walked away.

Then Brian took Naveen’s seat, regaining Roger’s attention. “Please tell me Freddie and John know that you’re meeting today.”

Roger’s smile quickly disappeared. “Well no…not exactly, but it’s entirely innocent. He’s only asked me here to talk about his band—”

“—So in other words, I have to lie to Freddie if he asks about the two of you meeting up.”

“No, of course not. Hang on, why would Freddie ask anyway? As far as he’s aware, me and Naveen don’t even know each other.”

“Oh so that makes it okay—”

“—Of course it doesn’t, I’m just saying,” Roger said with a sigh. “Besides, I fully intend on telling them that we’re hanging out. I just thought I should see what he’s got to say first.”

“Make sure you do,” Brian said, before standing up to leave again.

Somehow, they ended up back at Roger and Brian’s flat, a bottle of tequila between them.

Jimi Hendrix played in the background as they both slumped against the sofa. The alcohol had worked its way through their systems, making them all fuzzy and silly. They began laughing over the stupidest things.

Which in turn, gave Roger an idea. “Ooh, we should play truth or dare!”

Naveen smiled as Roger passed him back the bottle of tequila. “Alright, you’re on.”

Roger snorted in response as he struggled up from the sofa. “That didn’t take much convincing.”

“What can I say? I’m drunk!”

Roger laughed again in response. “That makes two of us, my friend!”

He used a bottle of beer to spin. He did a triumphant _ha_ when it landed on Naveen. “Truth or dare?”

Naveen paused, biting the edge of his lip in thought as his gaze trailed over Roger’s face. “Truth.”

“Good choice!” Roger said as he sat back against the sofa and started to think. The alcohol gave him the perfect excuse to ask what he _really_ wanted to know. “Ooh, I know. I’ve got a good one!”

“Debatable but go on.”

“Have you and John had sex?”

“I take it back. I want a dare.”

“Ah, ah, ah, that isn’t how it works,” Roger insisted, wiggling his finger in front of Naveen’s face before he moved to pour them both a shot of Tequila. “I’m sure you’re familiar with the rules of the game. You don’t answer, you do a forfeit. Nor can you take it back in exchange for a dare.”

“But you can’t ask me that, man!”

“Get that down your neck and tell me what I’m sure I could have already guessed.” Roger said, passing Naveen his drink.

“Fine.” Naveen grumbled, downing his shot of tequila in one. “Yes, we have. Your turn—”

“—Uh, hang on!” Roger said quickly as he grabbed his glass and downed his. He winced, the alcohol hitting the back of his throat deliciously. “I’ve not finished.”

“You’re not allowed to ask two questions, even I know that.”

“I can if it’s part of the same question.” Roger said with a smile. His eyes were unfocused, all blurry at the edges, and he felt light-headed. He blinked up at Naveen, trying to concentrate on his face. “So. You’ve had sex. What was it like?”

Naveen groaned loudly. “Mate, you’re killing me.”

“It’s just a question.”

Naveen rolled his eyes in response. “Ugh, alright fine. It was…good. Really good actually.”

Roger licked his lips, his eyes flickering over his expression curiously. Something heavy was pressing against his chest, and he felt warmth building in his gut at Naveen’s words. “Oh yeah?”

“Let’s just say that John isn’t as shy as he seems, and he’s very flexible.”

Roger’s eyes darkened as he watched Naveen reach forwards to pour them both another shot. “Anyway, your turn.”

Roger cleared his throat, grabbing his drink. “Right. Go on then. Truth.”

“Would you ever be up for a threesome? And would it have to be with a specific gender?”

Roger laughed in response, a little taken aback. “Fucking Jesus! That’s quite the question.”

“Fair’s fair, after the one you asked me.”

“Yeah okay, I’ll give you that. Urm…” Roger took a moment to down his drink. He winced again as he put the shot glass back down. His mind was swimming, his words becoming braver. “Yeah, why not? At the very least, I’d be happy to explore the option. I mean that’s the point of life, isn’t it? To try new things. It wouldn’t necessarily have to be with a specific gender, no. Fuck what society says in my opinion! You should be able to think somebody’s beautiful without it being a big deal. So if the right person asked me then…yeah, I’d be prepared to sleep with a man, or two men, or whatever.”

“Couldn’t have put it better myself,” Naveen said as he grabbed his own shot glass. “I like that you’re so open-minded.”

Sensing his chance at a joke, Roger reached over to nudge Naveen’s arm playfully. “Is that your way of hinting that you’d like to have one with me and John? Because I think you might have to run that past him first mate, just saying.”

Naveen laughed in response. “I weren’t even thinking like that. But then again, as you said, that’s the point of life. To try new things. You and John definitely count as beautiful. So…yeah, why not?”

Roger looked at Naveen, trying to work out if he was serious. Naveen stared back evenly, a strange look in his eyes as his gaze flickered over Roger’s features again…

The moment was broken by Roger pulling away and laughing in response, the alcohol making him feel giddy.

Naveen huffed ungratefully. “Oh cheers mate, laugh at me, why don’t you?”

Roger tried to reply around more laughter. “Sorry, I’m sorry, it’s just… _fuck_! I just wasn’t expecting you to say something like that. I mean, have you got that sort of experimental attitude about everything in life? Because if so then… _Christ_ , lucky John!”

Naveen rolled his eyes in response. “So I’ll take that as a no then, shall I?”

Roger sat up and wiped the tears from his eyes as he tried to be serious again. “Look, I’m not blind. John’s pretty, isn’t he? But me and him, we have erm…history. Not very pleasant history, all totally my fault. But let’s put that aside for a moment and say that me, you and him met in a club or something. That would be different. Especially if all three of us were up for it.”

Naveen nodded, looking somewhat impressed. “High five to that brother.”

-o-

Roger gave Lucy his most charming smile as he wondered over to the bar. “How are you gorgeous?”

“Better for seeing you again.”

“That’s always nice to hear,” Roger cooed.

She beamed in response as she finished wiping over the bar. “What are you drinking?”

“Well, I promised myself that I weren’t going to drink as I had one hell of a hangover this morning. But then I saw you were working and I couldn’t resist coming in for a flirt.”

“Aww, is that your way of saying you only came in to see me? I thought it was for the cocktails?” She teased as she leaned over the bar.

“Both, obviously.”

“Roger, put her down,” Brian said with a roll of his eyes as he headed over. “Lucy, table twenty’s been asking for the bill.”

Lucy shrugged. “So? Just go and give them their bill then.”

“You’re their waitress. It’s down to you to do it.”

She gave an over exaggerated sigh as she pushed past Brian. Roger gave him a look in response. “Wow, and they say you’re a fair team leader, Brian.”

“You’re not the one who has to work with her. She’d rather spend all of her time chatting up the men than do any real work.”

“I don’t see why you should care. You’re with Freddie.”

“You know that isn’t what I mean!” Brian hissed as he leaned across the bar to speak quieter. “It just pisses me off when it’s down to the rest of us to pick up the flack. She still doesn’t know how to change a barrel. She’s been here three weeks! I even offered to show her the other day, only for her to make up some shit excuse about not wanting to break a nail—”

“—Sounds like my kind of girl. Why bother if you can get away with doing as little as possible? Trust me, if I had the luxury of having tits, I’d constantly be using to them to my full advantage.”

“You just use your cock, instead.” Brian said dryly.

Roger sniffed in response. “I find that accusation very hurtful, Brian.”

“They always say the truth hurts. What are you doing here anyway? Please don’t say you really did come in just to flirt with the bar staff.”

“No, I came in to look for John actually. Is he here?”

“He’s sat at a table towards the back. Why? What do you want him for?” Brian asked suspiciously as he folded his arms across his chest.

“To tell him about Naveen, remember? About us meeting up yesterday?”

“Oh,” Brian blinked in surprise. “You might want to give that idea a rain-check.”

“Why?”

“John’s with Naveen now.”

“Is he?” Roger said in alarm.

“They’re on another date. I think. So you might want to hold your horses before you go running over there again—”

“—Alright fine, I’ll just sit here then. I might as well have a drink whilst I’m at it. I’ll have a err…whiskey sour please, barman.”

Brian narrowed his eyes at his friend. “I swear I’ll strangle you with my own hands if you do anything to ruin John’s date. Because that will mean that I’ll be in the doghouse with Freddie again—”

“—Oh relax, I’ll just sit here and be quiet. Promise.”

Brian grumbled something about Roger never being quiet as he reluctantly began to make his drink. It took half an hour for Roger to finish it and pop to the bathroom. On his way back, he was collared by Naveen.

“Hey, Roger. We were just talking about you.”

Roger swore under his breath as he turned to see Naveen smiling at him. He noticed John looked less impressed.

 _Brian was definitely going to kill him_ , he thought as he reluctantly made his way over. “Hey Naveen, John. So you were talking about me, huh? All good things, I hope.”

“He mentioned that the two of you bumped into each other yesterday.”

“Oh…yeah, we did.”

Roger’s eyes flickered back over to Naveen to see him offering a guilty smile. “I might have told him that we got a bit drunk.”

“Yeah, about that,” Roger said quietly. “That was probably my bad. I talked Naveen into having a Jäger bomb. He’d never had one before.”

John was staring at him evenly. “Naveen was just saying that you played Truth or Dare too.”

Roger murmured in response, his gaze still trained on John’s face. “I should probably take the flack for that one too actually.”

“Why doesn’t that doesn’t surprise me?” John mumbled as he fiddled with his straw.

“It was a good night, to be fair. The topics that came up were certainly interesting.” Naveen said as he raised his glass to take a sip.

John looked between them curiously. “Oh?”

Roger gave a nervous chuckle as he ran a hand through his hair. “Interesting is one word. But it was just a bit of banter really, wasn’t it? Although, I feel like I might have crossed the line a little bit.”

John frowned in response. “Why, what did you do now?”

“It wasn’t that bad!” Naveen said quickly. “Trust me, I’ve been asked far worse.”

Roger still felt a little uncomfortable admitting what he’d asked so willingly at the time. “Even still.”

He chose to sit down, ignoring the look John was giving him. Instead, he started fiddling with the salt and pepper pots as he explained.

“I might have showed off a bit. By asking whether you’d slept together and…what it was like. ”

Roger looked up at John from underneath his eyelashes. His face had turned slightly pink. A heavy feeling settled inside of Roger in response.

“But to be fair, my question was just as personal. That’s the whole point of Truth or Dare. I asked Roger if he’d ever consider having a threesome, regardless of the person’s gender.”

“To which, I replied _yeah, why not_. It’s like I said. That’s the point of life. To try all those sorts of things.”

“ _All those sorts of things_?” John repeated mildly.

“Well yeah, you’ve got to live your life whilst you can, haven’t you?”

It took every ounce not to wilt under the look John was giving him.

“Anyway,” Naveen said quietly. “Roger asked if that was my way of saying I wanted a threesome. With you and him.”

“ _Fucking Christ_ , we’re really going there,” Roger pressed his hand to his temple, suddenly in urgent need of another drink.

John turned his head to stare impassively at Naveen. “And what did you say?”

“That I’d be willing to try. You’re both beautiful, so why not? Roger actually agreed with me.”

Roger immediately sat up, his eyes widening as he looked between them. “Now, hang on a minute—”

“—He said that if all three of us were up for it, he wouldn’t see it as a big deal either.”

Roger gaped at him. “Those…weren’t my exact words—”

“What were your exact words?”

Roger barely suppressed a wince as John turned back to stare at him accusingly. Instead, he looked down at the table, at the rings John and Naveen’s glasses had made against the panelling, whilst he tried to come up with a suitable response.

“What I said was that it would be different if we met in a club or something, and didn’t know each other. If all three of us were comfortable with the idea then yeah, I couldn’t see the harm either.”

“So this is all just hypothetical then?”

“Yes, obviously—”

“—No—”

Roger turned his head, raising his eyebrows at Naveen. “Wait, what? So you really were being serious? You actually want a threesome? With me and John?”

“Why not? I think you’re both attractive. I’ve given it some thought, and I don’t think it has to be a big deal. But obviously only if we’re all comfortable with it.”

Roger pursed his lips, trying not to laugh. He’d always been open when it came to relationships, but this all just seemed a little _too_ far-fetched.

John gave him a look in response. “This isn’t funny.”

“Isn’t it? I mean this is just insane! He can’t seriously think this would work!”

Even as Roger said that, his gaze was drawn back to John. Back to the dark shirt he was wearing, and the couple of buttons he’d left undone…

“I think it would if we’re all willing to be open about this. People are lying if they say they’re not at least curious to try that sort of thing. So why don’t we just cut to the chase and be upfront about it?”

Roger turned his head to stare at Naveen in disbelief. “ _Wow_. I was right. You really are experimental.”

“You said it yourself. You’ve got to live your life whilst you can. Monogamy is an outdated concept, if you ask me.”

Roger snorted in response. “Next you’ll be proposing the two of you have an open relationship.”

“Perhaps we should. I don’t see anything wrong with that being an option.”

“Hang on a minute,” John said as he frowned at Naveen from across the table. “So if monogamy is overrated, then being faithful is overrated, is that what you’re saying?”

“You can be in lots of polyamorous relationships and still be faithful to each partner. As long as you’re honest to each other, it’s fine.”

“So the two of you will be together, but happy to see other people. I mean…fair play.” Roger said with an impressed face as he looked between them curiously.

“What?” John asked distractedly. “No…we’ve not had this discussion yet. I’m not sure I want to either. Not in front of Roger, of all people.”

“Well given that I’m the third party in this theoretical threesome—” He quickly held his hands up in protest as John narrowed his eyes at him. “Hey, I’m just saying!”

“So you wouldn’t allow yourself to be open to discuss any of this then?”

John blinked back at Naveen, his eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t…I don’t really know. I can’t say that I’ve ever felt comfortable trying those things before.”

“Okay, well I can’t say that I feel comfortable dating somebody so closed-minded.”

Roger watched Naveen stand, his mouth falling open in surprise. He turned back to see John shrug, his expression neutral. “If that’s how you feel…”

“Yeah, it is,” Naveen said, grabbing his coat from the back of the chair. “Goodbye John.”

“Wait…what the _fuck_ just happened?” Roger hissed, trying to get his head around everything.

John didn’t reply. Instead, he discarded his straw into Naveen’s empty glass and downed the rest of his drink. Roger watched him, worriedly.

“John? Are you alright?”

They both looked round to see Brian heading over, a look of concern on his face. He had his jacket in his hands. “I’ve just finished if you’re thinking about heading back to Freddie’s?”

John nodded, dropping his gaze as he stood up and grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair. “Yeah, I’ll make my way back with you.”

“I’ll come too.”

Freddie’s smile disappeared when he saw the three of them heading through the front door. He brushed John’s hair aside as he moved past him in the hallway. “What’s up sweetie? Has Roger upset you?”

Roger rolled his eyes in response. “I am here, you know.”

Freddie’s head whipped round to glare at him. “Yes, we know. We can all see you, unfortunately.”

“Freddie, it’s…it’s not a big deal. Me and Naveen aren’t seeing each other anymore, that’s all.”

“What? Why? Did he hurt you? If he’s done something—”

“—I told you, it’s not a big deal. We were just…looking for different things. I’m going to my room to finish off some coursework, okay? I’ll be out in a bit.”

“Well do you want me to bring you anything? Cup of tea? A bar of chocolate? Some Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream? A bottle of vodka—”

“—I’m fine Freddie, honestly.” John insisted, giving a small, strained smile as he stepped towards his bedroom.

They watched him close the door behind him. Then Freddie rounded on Brian and Roger. “Is _he_ responsible for this?”

“Again, I am here,” Roger sighed. Then he looked away guiltily as Freddie’s steady gaze remained on his. “Although…yeah. Maybe I didn’t exactly help things.”

Brian looked at Roger in shock. “What, why? What did you do?”

“I knew it! I’ve only known you a short couple of weeks, and you’re already causing John trouble—”

“—But that wasn’t my intention, honestly! It was all just a drunken misunderstanding as far as I was concerned—”

“—What was a drunken misunderstanding?” Brian sighed as he closed his eyes for a moment and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Did you kiss Naveen? Because if you did blondie, I swear I’ll—”

“—No, absolutely not! I would never do something like that!”

“This isn’t helping! Not to mention John can probably hear every word you two are saying! Why don’t we go and have a cup of tea and talk about this calmly?” Brian said, his voice slightly strained.

Freddie huffed in response. “That’s easy for you to say. You’re friend isn’t in his room, probably crying his eyes out because of something your idiotic friend did—”

“—Freddie!”

“Fine, come on then! Only because I want to hear what blondie’s got to say for himself.”

Roger sat with them at the kitchen table and told them everything.

“Oh, _shit_ ,” Brian said as he sat back in his chair. “Did Naveen really say that to John? About not feeling—”

“—comfortable dating somebody so closed-minded. Yeah, he did. I didn’t even think he was being serious about the threesome thing at first. We were playing _Truth or Dare_ at the time, after all.”

“You just wait until I see Naveen. Fair enough, if he wants an open relationship or even a bloody threesome. But he could have told me that before I set him up with John!”

“Or told John that before they slept together,” Roger agreed mildly, tapping his fingers dazedly against the table.

“I’ll kill him.”

“Freddie—”

“—What?” Freddie hissed warningly across the table at Brian. “The least he could have done is let John down a little gentler. So they want different things, it doesn’t matter. You don’t have to be a dick about it!”

“I agree.”

Freddie’s head whipped round to look at Roger in response. “Wait…you do?”

“Well yeah,” Roger said simply. He stopped tapping against the table and looked up at them both. “I thought the way he spoke to John was pretty harsh. Especially breaking up with him in front of me. I mean he says all this stuff about being open-minded and whatever, but surely he must realise that not everyone is going to be into that sort of thing.”

Freddie’s eyes narrowed as he stared at Roger conspicuously. “What are you up to blondie? And why were you so interested in their sex life anyway?”

“It was just a question. That’s the whole point of the game, isn’t it?” Roger said slightly defensively. He quickly looked away when he saw Brian raise an eyebrow in response. “Anyway, my point is that I agree that it was shit what Naveen did. Endings things so abruptly, and after sleeping with him too.”

He frowned when he saw Freddie still staring at him suspiciously.

“Why are you looking at me like that? Why is it so hard for you to believe that I care? That I might genuinely feel sorry for him? I am a nice person, you know!”

“Because that would imply that you have feelings, which you don’t—”

“—Freddie—”

“—Oh, don’t give me that look, Brian! Am I expected to believe that Roger’s suddenly turned over a new leaf?”

“I haven’t turned over anything, I just don’t like seeing people upset that’s all.”

“Oh really? Well it didn’t bother you that much when you were at school from what I’ve heard.”

Roger struggled to keep his expression neutral. He quickly looked away again, as he stood up and moved past Freddie’s chair. “Just let John know that we’re both here if he needs anything.”

“Yes, I’ll be sure to pass the message on dear!” Freddie smiled sarcastically at him from over his shoulder.

Roger sighed, turning his back on him as he headed through the hallway. He heard Brian murmur something quietly, and then he heard Freddie’s reply.

“Oh come on! Don’t tell me you fell for that codswallop. I love you Brian, but you can be a real soft touch sometimes.”

Brian resisted saying anything to him until they were back at the flat. He offered to make him and Roger another cup of tea. Roger shook his head as he grabbed a beer from the fridge. “Fancy something stronger, I think.”

“About what you said. About John—”

“—Spare me the lecture, Brian—”

“—No lecture. I was just wondering if you meant it. That you still care about him.”

Roger turned away to open his bottle of beer, avoiding his eyes as he replied. “Yes, I still care. There, I said it. Happy now? I can’t just turn my feelings off, Brian.”

“Nobody’s asking you to.”

Roger froze as Brian reached out and pressed a hand to his shoulder. “Look…Freddie will come around. He’ll realise that you’re a good person. Maybe John will learn to see that you’re sorry for what you did too. Maybe this is your chance to put things right.”

Roger swallowed thickly in response. _God_ , _how he wanted that to be true_. “Yeah, maybe.”

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohh, poor Roger! :( I feel really bad. I promise it will start to get easier for him very, VERY soon. That's all I can say thus far. Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter! I'm still trying to keep up with your incredible reviews, so thank you so much for them, and please keep sending them my way, as I swear, it literally puts the biggest smile on my face reading them all. :)
> 
> Let me know your thoughts on the latest instalments, and whatever ideas on what might happen next/what you think should happen next.
> 
> And if you hate Naveen for being a total jerk, then...trust me, I'm definitely there with you. Poor John!
> 
> Keep safe and have a lovely week. I should hopefully be able to start updating twice a week soon, as I've nearly finished editing everything, so that will be exciting! For me, at least haha. :)


	7. There's A Warm Breeze Blowin' Off The Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JOHN'S POV
> 
> The chapter begins with a flashback set in the summer holidays after John's first year at school. Then returns to the present time, where John is still struggling to deal with seeing Roger around so much, causing a few curt words between them, only for John to question whether he'd done the right thing a couple of weeks after...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating for swearing, talk of bullying. Don't think there's much more to trigger!

_The mid-July sunshine seemed to have brought everyone out. Despite it still being relatively early._

_John’s face was flushed from the walk down. His clothes stuck to his clammy skin as they headed past a row of endless shops, amusement arcades, and cafés._

_Holly suddenly stopped. John and Lewis turned back to look at her curiously._

_She had long, dark hair, hazel eyes, and a kind smile. Her skin was naturally tanned, and she was at least three inches smaller than John and Lewis._

_But despite her height, she was fierce._

_She’d seen John being cornered a few weeks before the end of school, and immediately stood up for him. John had felt a mixture of envy and pride at her actions._

_The three of them had been inseparable ever since._

_“I’ll be back in a sec. I promised Mum a bag of fudge if we stopped past a sweet shop.”_

_“That’s not a bad idea. I might get my Mum some too. She was in a bad mood this morning because I didn’t clean my room like I promised.”_

_“That was stupid,” Holly teased. Then she tilted her head to look at John. “John? Do you want anything?”_

_“No thanks. I’ll just wait outside.”_

_Lewis smiled as he moved to follow Holly. “Okay, we won’t be long.”_

_John lingered by the entrance, watching people come and go. Children squealed as they held their bucket and spade. Couples strolled hand in hand. Pensioners whizzed past with their shopping trolleys and in their wheelchairs._

_“John?”_

_His heart felt like it was somehow in his mouth at the familiar voice._

_He spun round, coming face to face with Roger. He was stood outside the entrance of the café next door, staring back with wide eyes. He had a grey apron tied around his waist, and a dishcloth in his hands._

_John moved before he could, choosing to walk away as quickly as his legs would let him._

_“John! John, wait!”_

_Instead, John began to jog._

_He tried to be careful. He weaved around staggering babies and feeble pensioners. He stuttered out a quick apology as he stumbled into the path of a couple, conscious of certain footsteps sounding closer._

_He heard his name again. He ran faster, and with far less coordination than before._

_Then a hand grabbed his, and John immediately yanked himself away. Hard enough to topple over. He felt his face heat up in shame as people turned to stare._

_“John…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to fall—”_

_He lifted himself up on shaking legs, ignoring the way Roger held his hand out. Roger let it drop back to his side with a sigh._

_“I wanted to speak to you. Outside of school. Away from everyone else.”_

_John noticed vaguely that Roger no longer had the dishcloth in his other hand. He lowered his gaze to Roger’s scuffed Adidas trainers. “Please just leave me alone.”_

_“I will, I promise. I just needed you to know that I’m sorry for everything that happened this year—”_

_“—You’ve got a funny way of showing it.”_

_John relaxed at the sound of Holly’s voice. He looked up to see her heading over, with Lewis hot on her tail._

_Roger raised his hands, showing his palms in response. “Look, I’m not after any trouble. Okay?”_

_“Tough. Because you’ve got it, mate,” Lewis said, glaring at Roger as he came to stand beside John. Holly placed herself on his other side. “If you want to hurt John, you’ll have to go through us.”_

_“Yeah. So do one.”_

_Roger pursed his lips as he looked back at John. “I really am sorry.”_

_They watched him turn and head away._

_Lewis shook his head. “God, he’s got a nerve. Never mind. Now that’s he gone, shall we go and get an ice cream?”_

_John smiled in response, relieved that he had his two friends by his side. “Sounds good to me.”_

-o-

John could hear a murmur of voices as he finished drying his hair. He brushed it, trying to straighten out some of the fluff. Then he headed for the kitchen.

He paused in the doorway, his gaze lingering on Brian and Roger sat together at the table.

Freddie looked up at him as he went to grab the kettle. “Morning Deacy! I was just about to bring you in a cup of tea.”

Brian gave him a small smile as he raised his cup. “Morning John.”

“Morning,” John said politely.

Roger finished fiddling with his phone and put it away. He gave John a curious glance over. “How are you feeling?”

John stared at him blankly. “Fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Freddie gave him a sympathetic smile as he passed him his cup. “You don’t need to be brave for our sakes. I’ll happily punch Naveen if it’ll make you feel better.”

“That should definitely wipe the smile off of his face,” Roger said lightly in response.

John offered a small shrug as he carefully sipped his tea. “There’s no need. We went on a couple of dates and it didn’t work out. It happens.”

“Yes well, you’ve had a lucky escape if you ask me. To have the gall to propose a threesome out of the blue like that! What a cheeky bastard!”

John turned back to stare accusingly at Roger. “You told them?”

Roger sat up, his eyes widening slightly. “Well, Freddie asked and I just said—”

“—Yes, he told me. I wanted to know what that wanker did to upset you—”

“—Look Freddie, I said I’m fine, didn’t I? So just drop it!”

He didn’t wait for a response. He grabbed his jacket and decided he’d get breakfast on his way to class.

Freddie came home that evening to find that their hi-fi speakers had been taken apart on their living room floor. John was sat beside them, a screwdriver hanging out of one side of his mouth.

“Deacy sweetie,” Freddie said carefully from the doorway. “What are you doing?”

“Fixing the stereo,” John mumbled as he continued fiddling with the wires.

“But there’s nothing wrong with our stereo.”

“There is. The speakers are shit.”

“ _Riiiiiiiight_ ,” Freddie said, knowing that he couldn’t stop John when he was like this. “Shall I make us a cup of tea?”

By the end of the week, John had assembled and reassembled most of the electrical appliances in the flat. He’d moved onto replacing a sting on his bass guitar and cleaning the kitchen cupboards from top to bottom.

Freddie found him on his hands and knees on Friday night, scrubbing the one under the sink. “Have you by any chance slept at all this week?”

“Of course I have. But the flat isn’t going to clean itself.”

“As lovely as it is that you’re so invested in the hygiene of our home, I think me and you need a little chat.”

“Freddie, I haven’t got time,” John said with a sigh. “After this, I’ve got a bunch of coursework to finish—”

“—It’ll only take two minutes. Come on. You sit down, I’ll flick the kettle on.”

Freddie waited until he’d managed to push John towards a chair and a cup of tea into his hands before he tried to get him talking. “Now sweetie, why don’t you tell me what this is all about, hmm?”

“I don’t know what you mean, Fred.”

John grabbed himself a chocolate biscuit from the packet Freddie had retrieved. Then he paused when he noticed Freddie was still staring at him expectantly.

“So maybe I’m a little stressed with university, that’s all.”

“And it’s nothing else?”

“Like what?”

“Like being upset about Naveen, maybe?”

John rolled his eyes as he dunked his biscuit. “Not this again.”

“Yes this again, because I’m worried about you darling.”

“Well you don’t need to be because I’m fine. Like I already said.”

Freddie nodded slowly in response. “Okay. How’s the online dating going?”

John stared up at him from underneath his eyelashes as he finished chewing. “It’s at the same standstill as when you last asked.”

“No new matches?” Freddie asked carefully. John looked away, forcing a small shake of his head. “That’s a shame. But you know, I could always set you up—”

“—No thank you.”

Freddie sighed at his tone. “Listen, I know I made a mistake with Naveen, but there’s a gorgeous guy who comes to my Cocktails society, who I’m ninety percent sure is gay—”

“—I’m fine. Honestly.”

“Well if you change your mind, then you know where I am.”

-o-

It took John a week to grow fed-up again with the lack of interest. So he reluctantly asked Freddie to set him up once more.

This time, his date was with a student by the name of Adam, who was a fellow member of Freddie’s Poets Society.

He had dark, curly hair, was fairly pale, and wore black-rimmed glasses. He was good-looking, with green eyes, and a soft smile. He was also well read and shared John’s love of funk and disco music.

They met at the bowling alley and John was just starting to grow comfortable enough to tease Adam about his inability to get one strike so far.

“I assure you that what I lack in bowling, I make up for in suave poetry.”

“If you say so,” John smirked.

“ _This poem is endless, the odds against us are endless, our chances of being alive together statistically non-existent, still we have made it_.”

“ _Ooh_ ,” John pretended to coo as he grabbed his ball again. “So romantic. If not, a little pessimistic.”

“It’s by a German poet of the name Lisel Mueller. She had a cracking sense of humour apparently, but a lot of her work had a lot of underlying sadness in them.”

“You really do know a lot about poetry,” John said with a smile. He almost dropped the ball when he saw a familiar blonde walking in with a group of lads.

Unfortunately Adam noticed. “You alright?”

“Absolutely. Just building the atmosphere. Ready for when I kick your arse again.”

“Yeah, yeah, get on with it.”

Every so often, John would hear a chorus of _shots, shots, shots_ , followed by raucous laughter. He’d find his gaze flickering back to the bar automatically.

Adam followed his line of vision with a smile. “Sounds like somebody’s having a good night.”

John hummed in agreement, and quickly turned away to take his go.

When Adam eventually suggested that they head to a bar in town, John tried to discreetly walk past the group.

He lifted his head enough to watch Roger downing a shot and then wince. His friends seemed to tease him in response. Then Roger did a doubletake when he saw John.

“John! Hey! I didn’t know you were here!” Roger shouted out as he rushed over, despite protests from his friends. Roger gave a small laugh, before almost stumbling into an empty table next to them. “ _Whoops_!”

John looked him over, noticing his face was slightly flushed.

“You having a go at Bowling? Mikey wanted to come down, but I think he’s slightly too drunk to play properly.”

John nodded carefully. “No, we’re on our way out actually.”

“Oh, that’s too bad!” Roger said, his smile dropping in response. He looked at Adam curiously. “Hi sorry, I’m Roger, by the way. Are you a friend of John’s?”

“No need to apologise,” Adam rushed to say, his gaze lingering on Roger’s face. “We’re on a date actually.”

Roger’s eyes widened as his head turned back towards John. “ _Oh_. I’ll erm…I’ll leave you both be then.”

Adam quickly shook his head in response. “You don’t have to—”

“—No, no. That’s okay. I should probably get back to my friends, anyway.” Roger insisted, his gaze still on John. “Good to see you again, John.”

“Nice to meet you, Roger.”

Roger offered an uncertain smile and slowly walked away. John felt a sliver of disappointment as he realised Adam was still watching him. “Right, shall we go?”

“Oh yeah, of course,” Adam said, finally tearing his eyes away.

-o-

Things got worst from there.

It was starting to feel like everywhere John turned, _he_ was there.

Spilling drinks on his date or in some cases, getting on with them better.

John resorted to bringing them back to the flat. Only for Roger and Brian to pop round out of the blue, claiming to be visiting Freddie.

He couldn’t even escape at work.

“You have got to be kidding me,” John grumbled as he watched Roger swagger through the entrance, a smile on his face.

“Fancy seeing you here!”

“Are you doing this on purpose?”

Roger’s eyebrows furrowed in response. “Doing what on purpose?”

“Being here! Showing up! Everywhere I look, you’re there, like a…like a…”

“Ray of sunshine on a cloudy day?” Roger pressed as he moved to sit on one of the bar stools.

“I was going to say like a bad penny actually.”

“Oh,” Roger said, his smile quickly falling. “Well you know what they say about pennies. _A penny saved is a penny earned_. Hang on…no, that doesn’t sound quite right, does it? Is it _a penny a day, keeps the doctor away_?”

John rolled his eyes. “No that’s an apple. I think you mean _see a penny, pick it up, all the day, you’ll have good luck_.”

Roger beamed in response. “That’s the one!”

“Regardless,” John sighed, about ready to tear his hair out. “That’s not even relevant, or true. Because all you seem to bring me is bloody bad luck! So I’ll ask you again, what are you doing here? Brian isn’t even working today, and Lucy left half an hour ago!”

“ _Whoa_ , chill. I’m meeting a mate if you must know.”

“Here? Why does it have to be _here_?”

“I like the cocktails,” Roger said whilst giving John a slow, glance over.

John huffed in response, uncertain on whether he liked the way Roger was looking at him. “Fine, whatever. Go sit at that table over there. I’ll bring your whiskey sours over in a minute.”

“That’s what I like. A service with a smile.” Roger said dryly as he offered an over the top smile.

John watched him move away. He’d never known anybody more persistent or infuriating. It took every ounce not to let Roger rile a reaction out of him.

Not long after that, a tall, olive-skinned man headed towards the bar. He had bright blue eyes and dark hair. He offered a small smile as he ordered himself a bottle of beer.

“Hey Nathan!”

He looked round at the voice. His smile widened as Roger moved closer to give him a quick hug.

“Roger, man! Long time, no see!”

“I know! Thought I’d better check in and make sure you’re still alive. How’s it going mate?”

John’s gaze flickered between them as he set down Nathan’s beer.

“Good thanks brother, how about you?”

“Yeah, good, good—”

“—That’ll be three pounds fifty.” John’s voice cut-in sharply.

The guy, Nathan turned his head to stare blankly at John. Roger quickly reached for his wallet. “I’ll get it, man.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, don’t sweat it. Call it repayment for all those condoms you gave me back in first year.”

“In that case, you owe me at least another ten rounds.”

John waited for Roger to pass him the note. Almost as soon as he had, John snatched it out of his grasp. Then he unceremoniously dropped the change back into Roger’s awaiting hand and turned away to serve the next customer.

But it wasn’t quick enough to miss Nathan grumble a _what’s his fucking problem_?

“Don’t sweat it. Come on, we’ll go over there and chat properly.”

Roger was back and forth all night. By the sixth or seventh time, Nathan was singing _Sweet Caroline_ at the top of his lungs. Roger laughed in response as he moved back towards John.

“I’ll have another whiskey sour and I think Neil Diamond has moved onto Whiskey Chasers.”

John stayed where he was, leaning against the back of the bar. He watched Nathan serenading a nearby table of girls. “Don’t you think your friends had enough?”

Roger looked at Nathan from over his shoulders. “Oh come on, he’s not hurting anyone.”

“Apart from our regulars.”

There was decidedly less customers since Nathan started singing.

“The girls don’t seem to mind.”

“Lucky them,” John grumbled, reluctantly moving to grab them two fresh glasses. He peered at Roger as he put one under the tilt of the whiskey bottle. “I mean it though. You’re both cut off after this. You’ll have to go somewhere else if you want to get served.”

“But that’s not—” Roger cut himself off with a huff. “Fine, fine. God, you really can’t stand me, can you?”

John noticed the way Roger slumped against the bar stool again. His eyes were glazed over. He used a hand to prop up his slightly pink face whilst he watched John sort his cocktail.

“You sound surprised.”

“No. I’m not. Obviously. I know that you hating me is the least that I deserve. But I’d like to know what I’ve got to do to prove that I’ve changed. Or to make it up to you, at the very least.”

John barely blinked as he emptied his cocktail in a glass. “You could try staying away from me for a start. I’m sick of seeing you in here almost every day.”

“ _Ouch_ ,” Roger winced. He got out his wallet from the back pocket of his jeans. He frowned at the empty note selection. “Okay, say that I agree. What’s in it for me?”

John stared at him in shock, almost dropping the drink in his hand, as he went to set it down. “Are you being serious right now?”

Roger stared at him from underneath his eyelashes as he hovered his card over the reader. His face seemed even pinker, and he had a strange look in his eyes as his gaze trailed over John. “Deadly.”

“So you’re actually trying to bargain with me like the bully you are?”

Roger’s eyes immediately grew wide. “Wait, what? No, that’s not what I meant—”

“—Save it,” John hissed as he slammed the card reader back underneath the bar. “Freddie was right. You’ll never change.”

“Wait, John. I was messing around—”

“—Look, I’ve told you what I want. So just leave me the hell alone. Is that too much to ask?”

Roger inhaled sharply, a dark look sweeping its way across his features as he grabbed his drinks. “Do you know what? Fine. If that’s how you feel.”

John said nothing as he quickly took a measured step back and watching Roger storm back over to Nathan with their drinks. Once they downed them, they headed for the exit.

By the time that they’d gone, John’s hands had only just stopped shaking.

-o-

Things got decidedly easier after that.

The anxiety that had been building inside of John since Roger had showed up, slowly began to fade away again.

His dating life was finally going well. He was in a good place. He was happy.

Freddie smiled from over the top of his tea as he watched John swaying his hips whilst he finished clearing up from breakfast. “You seem in a chirpy mood this morning, darling.”

“That’s because I am. I had a nice time last night. On my _date_.”

“Aah, I’m so pleased for you! Who was it with again? The broody, French student who loves classical music, or the sun-kissed photographer who practically drooled over the photo I showed him of you?”

“The sun-kissed photographer. His name is James, by the way. You might as well remember that, given that it probably won’t be long until you get to meet him.”

“Ooh that _does_ sounds encouraging!” Freddie said, practically squealing in response.

By the time that Brian shuffled in from Freddie’s room, wearing only a pair of plaid pyjama bottoms, his hair skewwhiff, and sleep still in his eyes, Freddie and John were dancing in the middle of the kitchen. He gave a small, tired smile in response. “What’s going on?”

“We’re celebrating! Come join us!”

“Hmm, maybe after coffee,” Brian yawned as he slumped into a chair. “What are we celebrating anyway?”

“John had a hot date last night! It went really well.”

Brian sat up, looking suddenly more alert. “Oh…cool.”

John left them to finish getting ready. He sang quietly in the shower and danced to the radio in his room whilst drying his hair. He’d just popped his head around the doorway to shout out a goodbye… but then his mouth clamped shut again when he heard raised voices.

“—all we seem to argue about these days!”

“I’m not arguing, Fred, I’m just saying! You asked me why I had a face like a slapped arse.”

“Next time, I won’t bother!”

“Babe, don’t be like that! Can’t you see I’m in a difficult position? I’m glad John seems happier lately—”

“—Oh yes, you can really tell, Brian!”

“I am! But meanwhile, Roger’s barely left the flat. He literally only goes to his classes, and then he locks himself back in his room again.”

There was a pause. John craned his head further around the doorway with a frown. And then—

“I’m genuinely starting to worry about him. I’ve not seen him this depressed in a long time, and the last time that happened, it—”

“—So he’s a bit down! I’m sure the poor baby will get over it—”

“—Freddie, I’m serious! That night I told you about—”

“—When he came home stinking of whiskey and threw up in the kitchen sink?”

“Yes, that one. I couldn’t get much sense out of him. I tried to get him to drink some water so that he could sober up a bit, but he barely touched it. All he kept saying was that _he hates me_ over and over again. Then as soon as he was sick, he started crying. Like, full on sobbing.”

“Well I can see why you were so shocked. Turns out he might really have a heart after all.”

“Don’t be so horrible!” Brian shouted back in response, making John jump a little. Then he heard someone sigh. “I mean it, Freddie. I love you, but Roger is my friend. I’m sick of having to pick a side—”

“—I have _never_ said you had to do that.”

“Maybe not, but I still feel like I’m being made to! And that isn’t fair! Is it?”

“No, I know, but—”

“—I’ve got you moaning in one ear about Roger being a bad influence and being inconsiderate around the flat. Then I’ve got Roger in the other, moping about John not wanting anything to do with him, and I’m sick of being piggy in the middle!”

There was another brief moment of silence. John waited, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

“I’m sorry, love. I didn’t know you felt like that.” Freddie cooed softly.

There was the sound of chairs scraping against the floor.

“Maybe we should just…not get involved for a bit. Or at the very least, stop talking about it all for a little while. I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel caught in the middle. And if you’re really that worried about Roger then you should make some time to hang out, just you two. You’re right. We can’t keep doing this. It’s wrecking our relationship.”

“I wouldn’t say wrecking. I’d never let that happen.”

“Yes but I know you too love. You’ve been bottling all of that up, haven’t you?”

“A little bit, I guess.”

“Right, well don’t. Okay? Let’s not discuss it anymore.”

John could hear them kiss. “Okay. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

John bit his lip, feeling wave after wave of guilt knowing that he was partly to blame for their disagreement. He shouted out a quick goodbye and headed straight out.

-o-

John tried to put it out of his mind. He threw himself into his coursework, and any spare time that he did have, went into dating and work.

But his mind continued to whirr on.

Then he’d be out, minding his own business. And he’d see a head of blonde hair in the street or at the pub, and he’d do a doubletake.

When it happened on campus, he’d rushed forwards without a second thought.

He pushed his way carefully through crowds of people, keeping his gaze locked on the person he was trying to catch up with. Then he tripped on somebody’s feet, and went flying into the path of a man.

“Whoa, careful mate.”

John stepped back, his eyes widening at the familiar voice. “ _Naveen_ …hi.”

Naveen blinked back in surprise. “John…hey. How’s it going?”

“Oh erm—”

John cut himself off as he suddenly remembered who he’d been following seconds before. He glanced around…but there was no longer any sign of them. “Yeah, I’m okay. How are you?”

By the time he turned back round, Naveen was watching him in concern. “Are you sure? You seem slightly…distracted.”

“I’m fine, it doesn’t matter now,” John said with what he hoped was a reassuring smile.

Naveen’s hair was slightly windswept but it suited him in a way that it never had with John. And his eyes still managed to draw him back in. “How are you anyway, Naveen?”

“Alright thank you,” he said. Then he sighed, fidgeting with the togs on his jacket. “Although err…I think I owe you an apology. Actually I _know_ I do. About how I left things. I was a total prick.”

John found himself shaking his head. “Don’t worry about it. It’s forgotten with.”

Naveen looked slightly relieved at that. “Okay, I’m glad to hear you say that. But erm…listen. I was wondering if we could start again? As friends? Maybe even hang out some time.”

John stared at him, wondering if he was serious. “Erm…yeah, I guess.”

Naveen gave a small smile in response. “And at the risk of sounding too cheeky, could I ask a favour?”

John’s gaze flickered over Naveen’s expression uncertainly. “I guess it really depends on what it is.”

“It’s just to ask that if you knew of any more decent drummers then I’d be eternally grateful if you could see them our way. Our one officially quit last Friday.”

John blinked at him. “Yeah, I can do that. Did Roger not make the cut then?”

Naveen snorted in response. “He never even bothered auditioning. I haven’t seen him since us three were in the pub that day. I have tried texting him a couple of times but I didn’t get anything back.”

John nodded, taking a moment to consider his next words.

He was either really, _really_ stupid. Or was a glutton for punishment.

He was probably both.

“This is a long shot, I realise, but have you still got his number?”

“Yeah, I have as it goes.”

-o-

John flicked through Roger’s social media that afternoon.

His last Instagram post had been a picture of him and a group of guys on what looked like a night out a couple of weeks ago.

His last Facebook post was a week ago. It was a meme about people continuing to wish others a _happy new year_ even though it was already on the cusp of March.

He sighed, putting his phone down and going back to staring blankly at the episode of Friends that was on the television. He was so caught up in his thoughts that he jumped a little at Freddie’s sudden voice. He frowned at John from the doorway in response.

“You looked miles away, Deacy! What’s up, darling?”

“Nothing,” John said with a reluctant smile. “Ignore me. I’m just… _thinking_.”

Freddie hummed in response, still watching him closely. “Hmm, yes I see that. Shall I make us some tea?”

He brought them both in a cup, before sitting down besides John on the sofa. He reached to flick the television off.

“So, what’s this all about? University stressing you out again?”

“No, nothing like that.”

“Someone being horrible in one of your classes? Because I can always go and—”

“—It’s nothing like that, either,” John said quietly.

Freddie nodded, pursing his lips for a moment. “Okay…has something happened with one of the guys you’re seeing?”

John shook his head, lifting his cup to take a sip of his tea. Freddie sighed in response.

“Well come on dear. The suspense is starting to kill me.”

John turned his head to look at Freddie closely. “I’ll only tell you if you promise to keep an open mind. I don’t want you to think I’m telling you this to involve you in any way either, as I know that’s not fair. I just really need some advice.”

Freddie raised an eyebrow in response. “Now I’m really intrigued.”

“I bumped into Naveen the other day—”

“—Please tell me you’re not seeing him again!”

“No, of course not!” John insisted quickly. “I’m not _that_ stupid!”

“Oh,” Freddie sniffed, relaxing back against the sofa at John’s words. “I was just checking, darling.”

John rolled his eyes in response, his stomach churning at Freddie’s reaction. “So much for keeping an open mind.”

“Can you blame me? Naveen is bad news, John.”

“Yes, I know. You don’t need to worry, okay? Me and him are over. Anyway, the point is that he gave me Roger’s number. So that I can text him.”

Freddie stared back blankly, his cup limp in his hands. “So…let me see if I’ve got this straight. You’ve just about managed to tolerate him, mostly to keep the peace for mine and Brian’s sakes. And now, when he finally starts to leave you alone…you want to get back in contact with him.”

It sounded strange when Freddie put it like that.

“I wouldn’t exactly say that I _want_ to. I just thought maybe I should. To at least check that he’s okay.”

Freddie stared at him, his mouth slightly open. “But why? And why do you care?”

“I don’t. Not really. But he’s still Brian’s friend. Naveen said that Roger didn’t bother getting back to him about the drummer audition.”

“So?”

John frowned in response. “So does that not seem weird? He’s got no interest in Biology. He gets a chance to be in a band, something he actually wants to do, and makes no attempt to see it through.”

“Yeah well. He did strike me as somebody who was unwilling to work for what he wanted.”

“Freddie—”

“—Look, John,” Freddie sighed, sitting forwards on the sofa so that he could place his hand against John’s shoulder. “It’s sweet that you care—”

“—I don’t care—”

“—B _ut_ ,” Freddie continued on regardless. “Roger shouldn’t be your concern. He’s a grown man, who is more than capable of looking after himself.”

John said nothing, staring down at his tatty _Game of Thrones_ socks.

“John, sweetie?”

“I heard you and Brian talking the other morning,” John said automatically, his voice a little shaky. He cleared his throat and tried again. “What if he really is upset? And I did nothing. I don’t like the bloke, but that doesn’t mean I should stoop to his level. I asked for space, and he’s given me that. But we can’t keep going on like this. Maybe I just need to…get used to seeing him. At the pub, and everywhere else—”

“—Darling, you shouldn’t have to.”

“I know I shouldn’t have to, but it’s not fair on you, or Brian. Making either of you feel like _piggy in the middle_.”

Freddie frowned in response. “You heard Brian say that?”

“Yes. I did.”

It had played on his mind all week, if John was being truthful.

“Maybe I should just text him and ask him to meet me. I’ll make it clear that I don’t feel comfortable seeing him at the pub every day, but let him know that he shouldn’t feel like he needs to avoid me either. Christ knows I did enough of that at school.”

“Yes, and for good reason.”

“But it’s different now. I told you, he doesn’t scare me anymore. So he can’t hurt me. If anything, he just bloody irritates me.”

Freddie huffed in response. “You and me both, darling.”

“So you agree? You think I should text him?”

Freddie sighed in response. “I think, if you really want to send him a text just to make sure he’s okay, then you should.”

“Okay.”

Freddie smiled, shuffling forwards to give John a quick hug. Then he pulled back to look at him, a proud look on his face. “Have I mentioned how sweet it is that you’re so kind-hearted? And that you’re the best friend a guy could ask for?”

“A few times, but it can’t hurt hearing it again.”

They both laughed in response, the tension broken between them.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhhhh poor John! Poor Roger. :( Just want to hug my two babies. So sweet that John is willing to try and get in contact to sort the situation though. What are all your thoughts on it? I promise I'm still getting around to answering all your wonderful reviews. I might end up taking a little longer at present as it was my first day back to work and I'm already knackered lol. Fun though! And it was nice to have a bit of normalcy.  
> Anyway, I'm rambling again lol. Hope you enjoyed! Have a good week. :) Ohh, and I'm going to try updating again on Friday btw, so watch this space! <3


	8. And When My Pulse Starts A Racin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ROGER'S POV
> 
> Begins with a flashback showing John being attacked in school, just days before he decides to move away to escape. Then the chapter goes back to the present time where Roger gets an unexpected text from John, and begins to wonder if maybe he has a second chance after all...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: The rating is for an attempted rape, homophobic language, mature language, and a mature sex scene later on in the chapter. Other than that, enjoy!

_Within a couple of weeks, the rumours regarding Holly’s party had blown over. Instead, the new gossip was **John and Lewis**._

_That was worst._

_It awoke a metaphorical green-eyed monster inside of Roger. And he didn’t like it._

_He looked between his group of friends, sat with him at the back of the field. They passed around a cigarette as they talked about it._

_“But hang on…I thought Lewis was straight?” Jamie asked as he took the cigarette off of Christopher, who shrugged in reply._

_“Maybe he’s bisexual.”_

_“Could be. He was going out with that Charlotte for a bit.”_

_Steven smirked in response. “She’s the one with the massive tits, right?”_

_Jamie laughed. “That’s the one.”_

_Roger stayed silent as he took the cigarette and inhaled long and deeply. He ignored the swell of anger at their narrow-mindedness. He felt a wave of shame at letting fear overpower his desire to have nothing more to do with them._

_“Nah, I think they broke up,” Christopher said. “I heard she was getting off with Noah from the year above us at that party Michael had at the weekend.”_

_“Sounds like she had a lucky escape if you ask me,” Steven said casually. “I’m not surprised though. Always thought there was something a bit off with Lewis. Bet he’s been secretly bumming Deacon for years—”_

_“—Oh come on,” Roger interrupted quickly. “You don’t really believe that, do you?”_

_Roger had said it on impulse. He immediately regretted it when they turned to look at him. Particularly Steven. He quickly looked away and went back to pulling out blades of grass and trying not to think about how angry he felt picturing John being intimate with Lewis like that._

_“Well you obviously don’t.” Steven sniped. “Or is that jealousy I hear, Taylor? Would you rather Deacon was giving you a blowjob at night? Maybe you’d like his cock up your arse instead—”_

_“—I’m just saying, that’s all,” Roger rushed to explain, hoping nobody could hear the panic in his voice as he sat up straighter. “Everyone knows that those two have been close since Lewis started at this school, and they used to hang around with Holly all the time too. Now we’re just supposed to believe that John has gone and shagged them both within the space of two weeks? I reckon those rumours are only going around to try and get people talking about it.”_

_“Well, it worked,” Michael said as he took the cigarette back._

_Roger felt sick at the way Steven’s gaze lingered on him. Again._

_“If the rumours are bothering you that much, Rog, I could always put in a good word. I’m sure John and Lewis wouldn’t mind having a three-way in exchange for—”_

_“—Shut up, Steven!”_

_Roger’s hands shook as he finally spoke back. Like he’d been wanting to all year. Enough was enough._

_“All I meant was that I find it highly unlikely it’s actually happened given that there’s been no rumours about John sleeping around before.”_

_“Well to be fair, girls haven’t exactly been paying attention to him before the start of this year, have they?” Jamie said casually._

_“For good reason. Fucking puff,” Michael said with a huff._

_Roger let their slurs wash over his head. They’d only accuse him of being like John._

_He wanted to be brave. He wanted to do the right thing. But he had to fight not to cry when he got a papercut. He didn’t have the strength to deal with all the things John had had to._

_“I think it’s about time we taught him a lesson,” Steven suddenly said as he passed the cigarette back over to Christopher. “One he won’t forget. Seems as though he likes bumming boys so much.”_

_Roger looked at him from underneath his eyelashes, not liking the sound of that. “What’s that supposed to mean? What kind of lesson?”_

_“Maybe we could spray paint the word **fag** on his locker again.”_

_Jamie rolled his eyes at Michael’s idea. “We have to be smarter than that. There’s CCTV cameras everywhere. If we get in trouble again, my Mum’s threatened to ground me for a whole month.”_

_Christopher laughed loudly in response. “Ha, you’re scared of your Mum!”_

_“No, I just don’t want to spend the next month stuck indoors with the bitch.”_

_Roger bit his lip, fighting back a wince at their words._

_“How about we lure him out to the back of the field again?” Michael suggested as he passed the cigarette back to Roger._

_“Nah, he wouldn’t fall for that trick again,” Christopher said with a shrug._

_Roger’s stomach turned uncomfortably as he thought about that day. He still woke up in tears every now and again, remembering the way John had screamed…_

_“He wouldn’t,” Steven agreed far too easily. “Besides, I have a much better idea in mind.”_

_Roger felt a pang of panic as he noticed the wicked glint in Steven’s eyes._

-o-

_“Remember to help hold him down, Roger.”_

_“Yeah, exactly. That way we’ll be ready for when the faggot squirms as he realises we’re about to mess his face up properly this time!”_

_They could hear the spray of water as they crept into the boys changing room._

_Most people had already gone home. Steven thought it was the perfect opportunity to catch him at his most vulnerable._

_Roger trailed after them, his stomach turning when he caught sight of the naked planes of John’s back._

**_God, why did he have to still be here? Why couldn’t he have gone home early for once?_ ** _Roger thought to himself._

_John shouted out in surprise when they went to grab him. He immediately fought as they rushed to drag him to the floor. Roger winced as they held down his arms and legs._

_Michael looked back at him expectantly. “Roger come on, don’t just fucking stand there!”_

_He hesitated, his back against the wall, his gaze locked on the panic on John’s face._

_“You’ll wish you’d never came to this school, you dirty little fag!” Steven hissed as he moved to straddle the backs of his thighs. “We’re going to teach you a lesson you won’t forget in a hurry.”_

_Christopher and Jamie shared a look as Steven’s hands gripped the waistband of John’s swimming trunks and began to slide them over his hips._

_“Hang on, this isn’t what we agreed to—”_

_Steven’s head whipped round to stare at Christopher. “Don’t be such a fucking pussy! Do you want to make him suffer or not?”_

_John whimpered as Steven dragged his trunks further down. “P-please d-don’t! I-I’ll d-do anyth-thing!”_

_“Yeah, I bet you will, you dirty cock-sucker,” Steven laughed menacingly as his hands began to drift in between John’s thighs. “Just relax and open your legs. You should be used to doing that by now from what we’ve heard.”_

_“Wait—”_

_“—Wait?” Steven repeated dangerously quiet, turning back to look at Roger. “Why? You suddenly not got the balls for this, Taylor?”_

_Roger’s hands shaped themselves into fists at his sides. He wished he had the nerve to do it. He’d pay to see the day somebody finally find the courage to punch Steven Jones in the face._

_Instead, he remained looking at John, at the tears rolling down his face. This was too much. He couldn’t let it happen. They’d done almost everything to John already. Roger was sick of turning a blind eye for the sake of protecting himself._

_“I just…don’t want to get in trouble. We shouldn’t be doing this, it’s too far—”_

_“—Hardly! Besides. He’ll probably enjoy it. We all know how much he likes taking it up the arse.”_

_Roger swallowed back the bile in his throat at the way Steven laughed at his own words as he pushed John’s head against the floor._

_“Bet you won’t be so quick to fuck your little boyfriend after this, huh, Deacon?” Steven said maliciously as he tugged John’s trunks further down his legs. John pleaded louder, his squirming became more desperate._

_Roger stepped forwards, anger coursing through his veins at John’s torment. “Right, that’s—”_

_“—What the hell is going on?”_

_Roger jolted in shock as Mr Tomson burst into the room. The five of them immediately jumped back. John tugged his swimming trunks up and moved himself into the furthest corner of the room._

_Roger watched him, a whirlwind of emotions battling inside of him at how small he looked. He took in his bloodshot eyes, and quivering lips, and the sound of his quiet sobs._

_What he wanted was to go and comfort him. But he had no right. He knew that._

_They all stayed silent as Mr Tomson hauled them towards the headmasters office. John was taken away to the medical office._

_In a way, Roger hoped they’d all be expelled. At least then, John might finally be free._

_“I want all six of you to wait outside whilst I talk to the headmaster. Understood?”_

_They all murmured agreements and watched Mr Tomson head into the office._

_Steven turned towards them the minute the door had closed, his eyes slightly wide as he leaned forwards to whisper._

_“We tell him that it was a fight that got out of hand, alright? That fag can’t prove anything. As far as I’m concerned, it’s his words against ours.” Steven smirked, as if he’d got it all figured out. “Besides, who they going to believe really? There’s more of us, isn’t there?”_

_They all forced a small nod in response. Apart from Roger. He turned away, wiping his shaking hands across the front of his trousers, and breathing deeply through his nose to stop himself from throwing up._

_“Oy Taylor, you listening to—”_

_Anything else Steven might have said was drowned out by the headmasters door being swung open again._

_Roger followed them in, pushing his hair back from his face. He didn’t think he’d ever felt so ashamed. He briefly wondered how far Steven would have taken it. How low he would have sunk to prove a point. The very thought had Roger struggling not to heave again. Knowing they’d have done the same thing to him if they knew about his…tendencies._

-o-

“ _Oh my god_!”

“What now?”

“I just got a text!”

“For the last time, I don’t want to hear about how you got a text from some random woman on tinder wanting to meet up for a fuck—”

“—No, no, I got a text from _John_!”

Brian all but ran back in from the kitchen. “Wait, what?”

Roger lifted himself up from the sofa slowly and stared down at his phone like it might explode at any second. He handed it over to Brian with the same care. “I’m too nervous. You read it.”

“How has he even got your number?”

Roger sighed in response, tugging a hand through his hair. “How am I supposed to know? Just read the damn text!”

“Alright, calm down!” Brian hissed as he blinked down at the screen blankly. “Hang on, what’s your password again—”

“— _Twenty six, zero seven, twenty zero zero_. Hurry up!”

“I’m trying, _god_! Right…”

Roger’s gaze drifted back and forth between his phone and Brian’s face for all of two seconds before he grew impatient again. “ _Well_? Come on! What does it say?”

“It _says_ ,” Brian said emphasising the last word. “That you’re a wanker, a totally shit drummer, and fucking annoying.”

“ _Oh god, I knew it_!” Roger said as he sandwiched his face between his hands dramatically. “I was really hoping it might have at least taken a bit more time for him to realise I was annoying. Although saying that—wait…hang on a minute. How does he even know if I’m a decent drummer or not? He’s never even seen me play—”

His hands lowered back to his sides as he narrowed his eyes accusingly at Brian, who smirked at him in response.

“Oh, you _prick_! You’re so not funny, Brian! I nearly believed you then! What does it really say?”

“Just read it yourself. It’s not that bad. And it at least explains how he got your phone number.”

“ _Not that bad_ —”

Roger snatched his phone back ungratefully.

_Hi, it’s John. I got your number from Naveen, hope that’s okay_.

Roger frowned at Brian. “I thought him and Naveen were over?”

“Your guess is as good as mine, mate.”

_Think we need to meet-up for a chat, don’t we? Sort this out once and for all. Are you free tomorrow night? We could hang out at mine? Freddie does a painting class on Wednesdays, so it’ll just be us_.

“ _Bloody hell!_ ”

“See, I told you it’s not that bad. He obviously wants to clear the air.”

“Which is obviously fantastic, but I mean… _fuck_! What the hell am I even supposed to wear?”

“Seriously?” Brian said, rolling his eyes in response. “I really don’t think that that’s going to be John’s main concern, to be honest.”

“No, but it is mine! Do I go for a pair of tight jeans, and a smart shirt? Should I wear something more casual? Do I take something round with me?”

“Like a box of chocolates and a cheap bottle of wine, you mean?”

Roger glared at him in response. “Try and be serious, Brian.”

“I am! But you need to remember, this isn’t a date. As far as we’re aware, he barely even likes you yet.”

Roger flinched in response. Brian’s expression instantly changed when it dawned on him what he’d said.

“What I meant was—”

Brian cut himself off with a sigh as he rested a hand against Roger’s shoulder and gave him a sympathetic smile. “All I’m saying is not to get your hopes up too much. Not when there’s still a chance they could be dashed. I just don’t want to see you get hurt, that’s all—”

“—I get it, Brian. I shouldn’t fool myself into thinking he’d give me a second chance so easily. Fine.”

Roger stuffed his phone into the back pocket of his jeans and shoved past Brian in his haste to lock himself back away.

“Come on, mate. Don’t be like that.”

Roger heard Brian say softly as he went to follow him.

“At least say you’ll text him back and agree to meet him? Maybe—”

“Later,” Roger hissed through barely clenched teeth as he slammed his bedroom door closed behind him and dived for his bed, stuffing his face into his pillow.

-o-

Roger spent the whole of the next day trying to decide whether he should have responded to John’s invitation so quickly. He despised the thought of coming across as a little desperate. Though technically, he guessed he kind of was.

He tried on every piece of clothing that he owned. Until he eventually went back to the first outfit. A black t-shirt, leather jacket, skinny jeans, and pink converses.

Casual, but tight enough to show off his slim physique.

As Brian had said, it technically wasn’t a _date_. But a guy could still make the effort to look good…right?

Roger sprayed a load of aftershave and left the flat, feeling good about himself.

But all of that went out of the window once he was stood in front of John.

He was wearing a black chequered shirt and dark jeans, both of which hugged his slender frame. His hair was as fluffy as ever, bouncy against his broad shoulders, and his green eyes had grown slightly wider as he loitered in the doorway.

Roger found his mouth was dry, his thoughts vanishing like a puff of smoke. He suddenly knew how goldfishes must have felt.

John shifted from one foot to the other, his face slightly pink.

“ _Hi_ ,” Roger finally gasped out.

Internally, he gave himself a shake. _Hi? Was that really the best he could come up with?_

He licked his lips and tried again. He held up the copy of _The Planet of the Apes_ he’d brought with him. “I erm…I wasn’t sure if you’d seen it. But I thought I’d pop it round. As I knew you were into—”

“—Sci-fi films too. Yeah, I am.”

“Brilliant. Okay…cool.”

Roger cringed on the inside when he realised he sounded anything _but_.

“So did you want to—”

“—Yeah, sure,” Roger said quickly as John opened the door further in invitation. He was a little worried that if he didn’t immediately accept, John would tell him to go fuck himself instead.

He waited at the side of the hallway to let John move past. Then he shuffled out of his jacket and hung it up before following John.

“So Freddie’s at a painting class then?”

“Yeah, he teaches a bunch of first year art students at the local collage. Gets paid a bit for it too.”

“That’s pretty decent,” Roger said, pausing in the doorway to watch John flit about the kitchen. “He seems to keep himself fairly busy. Does he have something going on every day of the week?”

“Pretty much. Did you want a beer?”

“Yeah, please.”

John set down the two bottles and sat himself at the kitchen table. Roger followed his lead, getting the sense that he wouldn’t be stopping long. He took a long sip of his beer.

“So erm…thanks for the text.”

As much as he might have wanted to strike up lighter conversation, he knew it would be easier to talk about the elephant in the room first.

“It’s fine. I ran into Naveen the other day. Thought it might be easier to contact you through him rather than put Brian out.”

Roger fought back a smile as he ran a thumb over the droplets of condensation absentmindedly. Then he realised all of what John had said, rather than just the first part.

“Hang on. Why not Brian?”

“Because it’s complicated, isn’t it? I think we should try and involve them in this as little as possible.”

“ _In this_?” Roger repeated with furrowed brows.

John hummed, lifting his bottle to take a sip. Roger’s eyes were immediately drawn towards his lips. “Me and you are probably going to be running in the same circles a lot more now.”

“Right.”

“And regardless of how we feel, we need to try and get used to seeing each other around.”

“I thought that was what we were doing?”

“That doesn’t mean that I feel comfortable with you coming to the pub every day.”

Roger’s stomach churned uncomfortably in response. “Erm…okay. Then I’ll…stay away for a bit, I guess.”

“You don’t need to stay away, I just find it convenient that me and Brian have been working there for half the year, and I’ve not seen you once. And now suddenly, it’s like you’re always there.”

Roger shrugged in response, avoiding John’s gaze.

He’d never been great at being subtle. Particularly not around those that he found attractive. The trouble was, John meant so much more than that…

“I never hung out in that part of town, that’s all.”

Roger looked up at him from underneath his eyelashes, thankful to see John seemed to buy that. He got the sense John was waiting to say something else though.

“What else?”

“I want to reiterate that we’re not friends.”

Roger’s stomach twisted in response. He tried to hide his expression by raising the bottle to his lips and taking another long sip. He’d need another one at this rate. The beer wasn’t even touching the sides.

“Got that loud and clear, John.”

“Maybe in the future, I’ll be able to see past everything you were a part of. But for now, I wanted to make it clear that I’m only being civil for the sake of Freddie and Brian.”

“Again, loud and clear.”

“So, if I’m on a date, or we see each other about, and Freddie and Brian aren’t with us, then I don’t see the point of keeping up the façade by coming up to each other and saying hello.”

Roger stared at him uneasily. “You want us to ignore each other?”

“Not ignore. I just don’t see why we need to make polite chit-chat if the people we’re doing it for aren’t even with us.”

Roger sighed loudly in response. “Right. Fine. Whatever. Anything else?”

“There was something.”

“Okay. What?”

John continued to stare. Roger raised his eyebrows expectantly.

“Did you want me to try and guess what it was?”

John looked down at his bottle. His face seemed suddenly pinker. “I was wondering why you didn’t audition? For Naveen’s band.”

“Oh,” Roger said, blinking in surprise. “Well, it was awkward, wasn’t it? I know you only went on two dates, but it just didn’t feel right. Keeping in contact with him.”

“You didn’t need to feign loyalty on my behalf. Naveen’s barely an ex.”

“But it was still raw. I wasn’t sure how you might feel, given that you slept together.”

“I don’t have any feelings about it. We had a good time but we wanted different things, it happens.”

Roger nodded, totally unconvinced. Not that he supposed it was any of his business.

He finished his beer and prepared to stand. “Well. Anyway, this has been nice. We should do it again sometime.”

Then he caught John’s expression, and barely suppressed rolling his eyes. “Or. You know. Not. I’ll still let you borrow that copy of _Planet of the Apes_. If you’re a sci-fi freak like me, and you’ve not seen it, then…well, you’ll love it.”

“Thanks. I’ll give it back to Brian once I’ve watched it.”

“Yeah, sure. No rush.”

John followed him all the way to the front door. Roger turned back, eager to linger another minute in his company. He had the sudden urge to explain himself.

“By the way.”

“What?” John asked, somewhat warily as he leaned against the doorframe.

“I wasn’t feigning anything when I chose not to audition for Naveen’s band. Yes, drumming means pretty much everything to me, but…”

_You’re more important._

Instead of saying that, he shoved his hands into the front pocket of his jeans and said—

“But the fact that you’re putting up with me, even if it is just for the sake of Brian and Freddie, it…well, it’s a big deal. I know that. I wasn’t prepared to jeopardise things or risk you hating me even more. So I chose to cut all ties with him instead. Which, was by far the easier choice, believe me.”

 _Far easier than losing you altogether anyway_ , he added in his head.

He swallowed thickly and offered a nervous smile. “Anyway, I’ll leave you to it. Nice seeing you again, John.”

He’d been too honest. Too brave. Too vulnerable. He knew that by the look of shock on John’s face. It made him feel worried, anxious, and a little fed-up.

Because he was only torturing himself.

John was never going to like him back, not like that.

Roger headed straight into town, needing something stronger than beer to drink.

He didn’t want to go home. He didn’t want to spend the rest of the evening moping. He wanted to get drunk. He wanted to get so drunk that he didn’t care anymore.

It was busy in the bar he chose. Luckily, it didn’t take him long to get served.

“Whiskey club soda, and a shot of vodka.”

He’d just sat down and downed his first drink when he was recognised.

The brunette from _The Alchemist_ bumped into him as she wondered over to stand at the bar. Then her eyes widened when she saw who it was.

“ _Oh my god, hey Roger_!”

He forced a smile as she virtually stumbled into his lap in her haste to hug him. He could smell the vodka on her breath as she pulled away to look at him.

“Hey, how you doing? Laura, isn’t it?”

“No! It’s Lucy!” She shouted back, her lips shaping into a small pout, her arms still loose around his neck. “Did you really not remember my name?”

He painted on his most charming smile in response. “Of course I did baby, I was just teasing.”

She narrowed her eyes in response. “You’re so not funny!”

“Sorry. Let me make it up to you by buying you another drink.”

She jutted her chin out and pretended to think about that for a moment. “Go on then. But only because I haven’t got one. I’ll have a vodka soda.”

Lucy was pretty, even if her eyelashes were caked in mascara and her cheeks painted a fiery red shade. She had a nice smile, bright blue eyes, and a dirty laugh. She was exactly the kind of easy distraction Roger needed right now.

His gaze followed the short, black dress she was wearing, and over her long, slim legs. He reacted quickly, his hand slipping around her waist as she stumbled, almost falling into his lap again.

“Careful gorgeous! You know you could have just asked if you wanted to sit in my lap so bad?”

“I’ll bear that in mind,” she giggled in response, her hand warm against the back of his neck. “I’m not drunk, I swear! It’s these stupid heels!”

“They make your legs look good though.”

She smiled again in response. “Glad you think so. Fancy another drink?”

“I wouldn’t say no. I’ll have another whiskey soda please beautiful.”

“Coming right up,” she beamed, turning back towards the bar and waiting to get served.

It didn’t take long for Roger to get drunk enough to let Lucy tug him towards the dancefloor. His skin was flushed, and he had the kind of giddy, light feeling that had him pulling Lucy closer with a smile.

She wiggled against him, their bodies pushed together, the song blurring into the background. His fingers dug into her hips at the feeling of such a warm, willing body against his. She smiled in response, almost as if she could somehow read his thoughts.

She closed the distance further, and he tilted his head forwards in invitation.

Her tongue traced his, her hands delving into the back of his hair, as he kissed her back roughly.

It was easy. Roger had always found it easy. Going out and finding somebody willing. That probably didn’t say much about him, but it was all he knew.

It was how he dealt with things. How he coped with the loneliness.

Doing this meant that he didn’t have to think for a while. He could feel good without feeling the guilt he usually did. When it was just him and his hand, imagining it was somebody else’s.

Not long after that, they stumbled back to Roger’s. They barely made it through the front door.

She tore at his shirt, her lips hot and urgent against his.

They barely bothered with the foreplay. That suited Roger just fine. Instead, almost as soon as he’d managed to drag a condom on himself, she was tugging him closer.

He got her to turn over, the curve of her arse hauling him forwards like a siren to the sea. Her hands gripped the headboard as he arched back into her roughly. She practically screamed in response.

His lips ghosted the skin of her back as he tried to tune her out.

He closed his eyes and imagined fucking into somebody else. Somebody with rougher hands and darker eyes. Somebody with the same long, brunette hair, and soft smile…

Roger groaned loudly as he came inside of her.

Afterwards, he stared up at the ceiling, willing his thoughts to quieten and for the room to stop spinning, as Lucy slept on obliviously besides him.

He wondered what John might have been doing right now. Was he asleep? Had he gone out on the lash too? Had he just fucked into some faceless bloke? Was he now regretting it in the same way?

Roger frowned in response.

He was verging on dangerous territory. Letting himself think of John immediately after having sex with Lucy. He was too drunk to try and comprehend any of what that meant. Or maybe he just didn’t want to.

Instead, he rolled over and turned his back on Lucy. The dull, yellow streetlight cast an eery shadow over the tree outside. Roger watched the branches flicker softly in the breeze until his eyelids eventually grew heavier.

-o-

Roger’s mouth felt drier than the Sahara desert, and his head felt dizzier than a spin on the waltzes when he woke up. He left Lucy in bed, tip-toeing to the kitchen to down a pint of water. Then he made himself a coffee and sat at the table.

“Oy. You. I want a word with you.”

Roger groaned softly into his hands. “Brian _shh_ , please. Can’t you see I’m hanging out of my arse?”

“Good! Call it karma for waking up your poor flatmate, and making him listen to…to… _that_!”

“Oh. Yeah. Sorry about that. It wasn’t planned, if that helps.”

“Not particularly.”

Roger pushed his hair back and watched Brian flick the kettle on again.

“Look, I like to think I’m a reasonable flatmate. I pick up your wet towels without saying anything, I let it slide when you borrow a pair of jeans and forget to give them back, and I’ve always said that I didn’t mind you bringing women back. But could you at least try and be a little more considerate with the noise levels. Or tell your date to be.”

“Got it. Say no more. _Please_.”

Brian hummed in agreement as he grabbed a takeaway cup from the cupboard and poured a level spoon of coffee into it. “Who was it anyway? Anyone I know?”

Roger immediately sat straighter, his expression blank. “Oh erm…no. Not at all. I don’t think you’ve ever met them actually.”

Brian sighed in response. “Roger—”

“—Alright fine, just try not to…you know, judge me too much on this, okay?”

Brian frowned as he stirred his coffee. “ _O…kay_.”

“It was Lucy.”

“ _Lucy_? Lucy from the—”

“—bar, yes. You might want to keep your voice down given the fact that she’s still here.”

“ _Here_ here? Like…in your bed? Right now?”

“Yes, Brian. Christ, I haven’t got the energy for this.” Roger grumbled, letting his head fall to the table.

“So do you like her then? Given you’ve normally chucked them out by now.”

Roger slowly looked back up. “That’s a tad harsh. They’re not normally keen on sticking around either, to be fair.” Roger rushed to say. Then he shrugged. “Besides, it’s really no biggie. We were just tired and fell asleep, that’s all.”

“Fair enough, I guess. How did it go last night anyway? With John?”

Roger took the time to raise his cup of coffee, ignoring the pang in his chest at his name.

“Fine. I gave him that DVD to watch. We exchanged pleasantries. The end.”

“And that was it?”

“Pretty much.”

Brian paused, his gaze flickering over Roger’s expression for a moment. Then he offered a small smile. “Okay well…let me know if you needed a chat later. I’d better go, before I’m late for class. See you in a bit.”

Roger hummed lightly in agreement as he watched Brian leave.

He eventually got up to make another coffee. Then he headed back to his room to find Lucy sat up in his bed, with one of his shirts on. Roger closed the door to with his foot, taking in the way her dark hair contrasted against the crisp, white material.

“I made coffee.”

“Sex and coffee. I am privileged.”

He offered an uncertain smile as he set the cup down on his nightstand. He vaguely noticed the leftover smudge of eyeliner beneath her eyes as he sat at the foot of the bed.

“I’m gonna’ erm…grab a quick shower, I think. Try and rid myself of this hangover.”

She laughed as she reached for her cup and took a sip. “Do you feel that bad?”

“I literally feel like I’ve been run over. Not that I’d actually know how that feels, but I’m guessing the pain is almost on par with this.”

She laughed again, her gaze flickering over his face softly. “I could join you if you want.”

“Best not. I’ve got a class soon.”

“Right,” she said carefully, her smile falling a little. “I hope you don’t mind me borrowing your shirt. I just woke up a little cold, and I didn’t think my dress was going to help much.”

“Don’t worry about it. That’s Brian’s fault. He only likes to have the heating on at certain times. For our electricity bill. You know how it is.”

“Speaking of,” she said as she sipped on her coffee again. “Did I get you into too much trouble?”

“Nah, not at all. Brian’s a pussycat really.”

He grabbed a change of clothes from his wardrobe as Lucy put her cup back down. She stood up and began to undo the buttons of his shirt. He licked his lips in response.

It was selfish, but he felt a pang of misery at the prospect of showering alone.

“Actually erm…if the offer’s still there, I wouldn’t say no to some company.”

She smiled at him as she slipped off his shirt, and Roger’s eyes were immediately drawn to the curves of her body.

“Go on then. But only because you made coffee.”

Roger’s hands were the first to wonder, trailing over her breasts, to quickly slip in between her legs. She gasped in response, using a hand to steady herself against his shoulder, the other one moving to stroke his cock.

He was rough when he took her.

They changed positions. Her hands against the tiles, one foot perched on the ledge as Roger rocked into her from behind. Her cries spurred him on, his teeth at her shoulder, as he moaned against her skin.

The shower had turned lukewarm by the time they finished. She moved to turn it off, as they took a moment to catch their breaths. Then they headed back into his bedroom to get dressed.

Roger’s gaze trailed over her body as Lucy pulled her dress back on.

“Oy. Eyes up here.”

“Sorry,” he smiled coyly as he finished pulling on his own t-shirt.

“I’m only teasing,” she laughed. “Besides, it’s not like I haven’t been checking you out.”

“Really?”

“Definitely. I still can’t believe you don’t work out. You couldn’t tell.”

Roger’s smile widened in response, the compliment making himself feel good. “Yeah well, you’ve definitely got an amazing body. An incredible pair of tits too.”

She grabbed her jacket and slipped on her shoes before stepping close enough to give him a quick kiss. “Who knows? If you’re lucky, I might let you see them again. Sometime.”

He gave a small groan as she wondered towards the front door, wiggling her bum on the way. “Baby, you’re killing me!”

She gave a quiet giggle, as if that was exactly the intention as she flung her jacket over one shoulder and blew him a kiss in response.

Roger bit his bottom lip, fighting back a genuine smile as he watched her leave. By the time he reached the kitchen to grab a banana on his way out, he was smiling to himself.

It seemed like Lucy didn’t want anything serious either, which suited Roger just fine. He needed to stop obsessing over John. To start making a conscious effort to move on. Just like his therapist had advised at his session last week.

Maybe this was the boost he needed to finally start getting his life together. Maybe Lucy would be good for him.

Then he spotted it. On the side of the fridge.

It had been so long since he’d looked at it, he’d forgotten it was there. A picture of Bournemouth pier, taken on a school trip in his last year.

Those green eyes scorched themselves into his memory once more, the disgust in them so potent, it made Roger suddenly want to throw up.

“ _Go ahead. Do what you need to do. You’ll always be a coward. And I’ll always hate you for it_.”

Roger sunk into a chair, his class forgotten with.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohh Roger. Ohh Roger, what have you done?! Lol. I think those two boys need their heads banging together lol. Luckily, the next chapter has an interesting twist after the two of them bump into a familiar yet unwanted face in the past, resulting in John considering that maybe he can trust Roger after all...
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter. Please let me know your thoughts! I thought I'd update twice this week as I've had a good first week back at work and I've got a date tomorrow for the first time in three months. For anyone who followed the story before this, they'll know that I went on a date with a girl but I couldn't see her for ages because of COVID-19. Bur tomorrow, I am seeing her again and I'm so excited. I really like her, and I'm really looking forward to seeing her again. Obviously, we'll still be careful, but it'll just be nice to see her face to face again. Without being too mushy, I've not felt like this for anyone in a while AND she really likes queen, so she's basically perfect lol.
> 
> Anyway, hope you all have a nice week, and I'll update again on Monday. Take care. :) <3


	9. I Know Life Is For Tastin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JOHN'S POV
> 
> The chapter begins with an unpleasant memory from John's past. Then it flashes forwards to the present, where a familiar, yet unwelcome face from Roger and John's past shows up, forcing Roger to prove that his loyalties really have changed after all...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATING: WARNING! THERE IS A DISTRESSING FLASHBACK IN THE BEGINNING, WHICH PEOPLE MIGHT FIND UPSETTING OR TRIGGERING. If you do not want to read it, I advice you to skip ahead until the end of the italic section which will be when the flashback ends.  
> Other than that, it's rated for swearing, and minor violence further on in the chapter.

_It seemed like the closer John got to Lewis and Holly, the more he was targeted. Almost as if their friendship bothered them._

_The first week back during his second year was filled with taunts in the changing room, tripping him up when the teachers weren’t looking, pushing him around as soon as he left school, and mocking him quietly from the back of the classroom._

_Holly and Lewis would stay quiet, sharing worried looks as John continued to ignore it. Until—_

_“Would you seriously stop?”_

_Steven had just yanked John’s backpack off of him and emptied all of the contents onto the tarmac. He looked up at Holly in surprise. She responded by folding her arms across her chest and standing herself in front of John._

_“You’ve made your point. You don’t like him. Get over it. Or better yet, just leave him alone!”_

_His two friends he was with stopped laughing and shoved their hands into their trouser pockets as they fixed her with a cold stare. Steven snickered, a smirk on his lips._

_“Big talk for a little girl. What are you going to do about it exactly?”_

_“How about this?”_

_She stepped forwards, raised her knee, and aimed it straight for his crotch._

_John’s eyes widened in shock, then he pursed his lips to fight back laughter at the way Steven attempted to keep glaring at Holly whilst semi-crouched over in pain. She smiled widely in response._

_“Take that as a warning. Go near John and I’ll happily kick you in the balls again. Even harder next time.”_

_“Yeah, and I’ll happily join her,” Lewis said from besides John._

_Steven huffed in response, suddenly standing straighter and pacing forwards a few steps. His face was still etched in pain. “You fucking bitch! You’ll pay for that!”_

_“I don’t think so,” Lewis said, immediately putting himself in front of Holly. “You really are scum, aren’t you? Threatening a girl. It’s almost like you want to give me an excuse to punch you in the face.”_

_Steven’s expression changed, his nose wrinkled in disgust. “You’re pathetic. All three of you. Come on. Let’s leave the tossers to it.”_

_One of the boys nodded, glaring at them. “We’ll get you back for this.”_

_Holly responded by holding up her middle finger._

_They watched them walk away. Once they’d gone, Lewis and Holly helped pick everything up. John was just thankful it hadn’t been raining._

_He uttered a quiet thank you as he did up the zipper on his backpack and slung it back over his shoulders. He gave Holly a shy smile. “That was amazing. What you did. But you know you didn’t have to, right?”_

_She offered a small shrug in response. “Of course I did. Besides, that weasel had it coming. At least it finally wiped the smirk off of his face.”_

_John hummed in response, trying to ignore the feeling he had in the pit of his stomach. He knew it wasn’t over by a long shot._

_“About time something did,” Lewis said as they wondered back inside the main building. “John’s right though. That was bloody amazing, Holly. It took real courage, standing up to him like that.”_

_“Yeah well, we’re a team now, aren’t we?” She smiled. “Anyway, never mind him. Why don’t we go over to Lily’s and get ourselves a milkshake as an after-school treat?”_

_Lewis grinned in response as Holly linked her arms into both of theirs. “Sounds good to me.”_

_John nodded and smiled in agreement._

_-o-_

_John frowned as he practically jogged to keep up with Abigail. Her blonde ponytail swished from side to side as she lead him onto the field._

_“How did Lewis manage to sprain his ankle again?”_

_“He was messing about! Showing off during football practice to some lads in the year above us.”_

_He nodded, trying not to lag behind, even as something felt off._

_“I still don’t really understand why you didn’t just go and get a teacher?”_

_Abigail sighed in response. She gave him a look over her shoulder. “Because! I told you. He asked me not to. He doesn’t want to get into any trouble. He thinks it’s his fault, which I suppose technically it is. Anyway, you know his Mum’s a nurse, right? He said if me and you could help him get home, she’ll know how to treat it.”_

_John looked around the field again. It was abandoned. Most people had already gone home._

_“I thought he only had football practice on Mondays, not Wednesdays—”_

_“—I think he’s started doing extra. He wants to be a footballer, doesn’t he? I don’t know what to tell you, John. Are you coming or not?”_

_He rushed to catch up with her again. “Yeah, of course.”_

_By the time they reached the back of the field, John was feeling more than a little anxious. There was no sign of Lewis, and Abigail was starting to walk slower._

_Something was wrong._

_“Wait…so…where is he again—”_

_Just as he asked that, six boys appeared from behind each tree. He suddenly felt sick as the realisation dawned on him._

_He’d been set up._

_How could he have been so stupid? So trusting._

_The answer of course was that they knew his weakness. That being his friends._

_“Thanks Abi, we’ll take it from here,” Steven said as he began to slowly walk towards them._

_John tried to step backwards discreetly. He knew he had to pick the right moment. If they expected it, they’d be ready. But with them distracted, John might get away._

_“It’s cool. He made it too easy. I just told him his fag boyfriend had been hurt. He couldn’t get here quick enough,” Abi let out a laugh as she turned and walked away. “And they say I can’t act.”_

_John seized his chance. But they were still quicker._

_So he fought instead._

_But too many hands dragged him backwards and pushed him towards the grass. It was wet against John’s cheek. Less than a second later, he felt one of them shove his top up enough to press something against the skin of his lower back._

_A gradual, burning sensation niggled away at John. At first, it was uncomfortable. Then it grew hotter and hotter. Until eventually, it felt as if his skin was on fire. It was more painful than when he accidentally burned himself pouring hot water from a saucepan into the sink whilst cooking pasta._

_It was excruciating._

_John immediately began to scream. One of them held a hand over his mouth in response._

_John wriggled harder, desperate for relief. Tears rolled down his face without permission and his throat was sore from crying out. His whole back was tingling. He suddenly felt lightheaded. He could barely make out the outline of the trees anymore, as his vision began to blur, and his eyelids grew heavy…_

_“Alright, enough!”_

_John whimpered as the pain ceased a little._

_“Roger—”_

_“—I’m serious! Let him go. Before a teacher finds us.”_

_“Fine. I think we’ve made our point.”_

_But then Steven leaned back over him, something perched between his fingers. John grit his teeth, but he couldn’t stop himself from shouting again. He’d never known agony like it._

_The hand over his mouth tightened as Steven pushed his head further against the grass. John shuddered unpleasantly at the feel of Steven’s hot breath against his ear. ““If you tell anyone about this, even that boyfriend of yours, you’ll regret it. I’ll kill him, and then I’ll kill you. Got it?”_

_John fought not to moan again as Steven’s fingers gripped the back of his scalp harder._

_“Oy Deacon, did you hear that—”_

_“—Stop it!”_

_John could hear the panic in Roger’s voice. He saw Steven turn his head in the corner of his eyes._

_“I just meant…you said it yourself! You’ve made your point, right?”_

_He heard Steven huff in response. “Fine, seems as though you haven’t got the stomach for it, Taylor.”_

_John was too scared to move. He remained flat against the grass, listening to their laughter and quiet shuffling of their feet fade away. Eventually, he lifted himself back up on shaking limbs, feeling like he was seconds from throwing up because of the pain._

_He wanted to disappear. Or die. He didn’t think he could handle another three years of this._

_He managed to limp all the way to the boys bathroom, by which time, he didn’t feel quite as nauseated._

_He stood in front of the mirror, carefully pulling up his top to stare at the puncture wound from over his shoulder. He practically whined in relief as he wet a paper towel with cold water and held it over the top._

_When he heard footsteps outside, he dived for the nearest cubicle, quickly shutting the door behind him. He jumped at the sound of a bang. And then—_

_“Fuck sake!”_

_He froze at the familiar, shrill voice. Then frowned when he heard sobbing. He opened the door a fraction, enough to take a peek._

_The bin was toppled over, paper towels scattered all over the floor._

_Roger was hunched over one of the sinks, his head low, his back shaking as he continued to cry. He stayed like that for a while, his eyes bloodshot, and his cheeks damp. Eventually, he grew quieter, taking a few steady breaths until he calmed down. Then he splashed some water across his face and grabbed a paper towel to dry himself off with._

_John waited for him to leave before he snuck back out of the cubicle._

_Somehow, John managed to walk himself to Lewis’s house. He hobbled up the front steps and knocked on the door. He just prayed his Mum was still at work._

_Lewis’s smile quickly dropped as he looked John over, noticing the way his skin was clammy and white, and how John was beginning to sway._

_“Bloody hell, are you alright?”_

_He stepped forwards immediately and let John lean on him. John smiled weakly in gratitude._

_“Come on. Let’s get you inside.”_

_He got John to lay on his bed as he pressed a cold flannel to the burn. Lewis watched him sigh in relief as he sat at his side._

_“You need to report this to the headmaster first thing Monday morning. I’m serious John, this is messed up. Not to mention that its getting bloody out of control.”_

_“I’ve already told the teachers. They’ll just find out that I’ve grassed and it’ll make them angrier.”_

_“That’s why you should go straight to the headmaster. Tell him you’ve tried reporting this before. I mean Christ, they burned you with a cigarette and threatened to kill you! They’ve got to start taking this more seriously!”_

_“But what if they don’t?” John mumbled into the pillow. “What if nothing happens and they hurt me again. Or god forbid, you.”_

_John turned his head in question when Lewis didn’t immediately reply. He was watching him, a firm look in his eyes. “I’ll take my chances. If it means they finally leave you alone. They fucking tortured you, John! They can’t get away with this—”_

_“—Don’t you think I know that?” John said, his voice rising slightly as he turned to face Lewis properly. Ignoring the sting of pain as the flannel dropped to the bed. “I was the one they did this to. But the more I fight back, the more they’re going to target me.”_

_“So you’re just going to carry on ignoring it? What if nothing changes? Or things start getting even worst?”_

_“Honestly? I’m not sure how much worst things could get at this point,” John said as he moved to sit closer to Lewis. He bit his lip, thinking over what he’d seen in the bathroom. “Besides, maybe…maybe if I ignore it, then…this time, they really will get bored of hurting me.”_

_Lewis huffed disbelievingly in response. “It hasn’t happened yet. What makes you so sure that things will be different this time?”_

_“I’m not. Not really. I just get this sense that not all of them are…I don’t know, bad, I guess. Besides, I reckon they only did it out of spite. Because of you two fighting back the other day. I know you were only trying to look out for me, but I don’t think they liked that very much—”_

_“—Good! What do they expect us to do? Say nothing, whilst they continue making your life hell.”_

_John shrugged unhelpfully. Lewis sighed in response._

_“All I want to do is make it stop. I hate how much they target you.”_

_“I know.”_

_Lewis sniffed quietly. “It’s not fair.”_

_He discreetly turned his head, blinking away his tears. John automatically reached across to press a hand to his leg. Lewis looked back at him in surprise._

_“Thank you for…you know. Being here for me.”_

_“Of course,” Lewis said quietly, his voice slightly gruff. “You can always rely on me, John.”_

_Lewis’s gaze flickered across his face uncertainly. John couldn’t seem to look away. He wasn’t sure he wanted to._

_“I should probably go and erm…get Mum’s antibiotic cream. For the burn.”_

_“Okay.”_

_Lewis’s hand pressed over the top of John’s, lifting it off of his leg. He paused, his thumb brushing over John’s skin for a moment. Then he pulled away to stand up, his face slightly pink._

_John watched him leave the room, a dull ache building from inside of his gut, as he thought about how much he’d liked having Lewis’s hand on his…_

-o-

“Is this another date night by any chance?”

John looked up to see Freddie loitering in his bedroom doorway. “Maybe.”

“Who with this time?”

John huffed, going back to fiddling with his hair in the mirror. “You make it sound like I’m seeing half of London. There’s James, Ben, and Damian.”

“Well, you have been fairly busy lately, darling. Not that that’s a bad thing. The only way to find out who you might like is by playing the field a bit,” Freddie said with a smile. “Trust me, I did.”

“Trust me, I know.”

“And just look at me now. I met Brian, and we’re getting married. The same could very well happen to you.”

John said nothing as he reached for a brush in the hope of straightening his hair a little more.

“So we have James, the brooding photographer, right? Ben, the sexy model, and Damian, the shy, slightly geeky Physics student.”

“Correct.”

“So which one are you seeing tonight?”

“Damian.”

“Ahh that’s too bad. I was rooting for James.”

“I’m seeing James in a couple of days if that’s any consolation.”

“Hardly.”

Freddie continued to stare as John faffed about with his hair, his lips pursed in concentration. “You should let me put it in a man bun. I’ve said before that I think it’ll really frame your face.”

“No chance, Freddie.”

“At least let me straighten it and put a bit of make-up on you. Maybe some blusher, a dash of mascara, and a touch of—”

“—Freddie, no.”

Freddie huffed grumpily in response as he turned away. “Fine. God. What is the point of you being gay if you refuse to let me give you even the slightest makeover—”

“—Okay, fine. But I mean it, Freddie. I don’t want it to be too obvious. And I’m definitely not having my hair in a bloody manbun.”

Freddie spun back, a huge smile on his face. “Oh darling, you won’t regret this!”

“I’d better not,” John teased, smiling despite himself.

Freddie was true to his word.

There was a hint of blusher on John’s cheeks, just enough to highlight his cheekbones. Or at least, that was Freddie’s excuse. His lashes were longer, framing his green eyes a little more fully. He’d put a little bit of pink lipstick on so that his lips looked wider. Freddie had also straightened his hair so that instead of being frizzy, it was sleek and maintained.

“Do you like it? I tried not to go too mad.”

John smiled as he stared at himself in the mirror. “Yeah, I do. I actually look… _nice_. Thanks, Freddie.”

Freddie beamed in response.

Damian was already there by the time that John headed inside. He was waiting at the bar.

John’s smile began to disappear as he spotted Roger, sat on one of the stools not too far away. He was leaning over the counter to talk to Lucy.

“That was good timing. What did you want to drink?” Damian said, oblivious to John’s distractedness.

“Oh erm…”

Lucy gave John a smile. He forced one back as Roger turned his head to offer a small nod of recognition before quickly looking away again.

John turned his attention back to Damian. He was looking at him expectantly.

“Erm…a mojito please.”

His gaze drifted back over his shoulder. Lucy tilted her head forwards to kiss Roger. Then she moved to go and serve somebody else.

“Should we grab a table?”

Damian was staring at John uncertainly. He’d already paid for their drinks. “Yeah, of course. Lead the way.”

Damian was definitely attractive. He wore black-rimmed glasses, had dark hair, naturally tanned skin, and brown, almond-shaped eyes. He had a comforting smile, and lips which were sinfully good at kissing.

It was their third date.

Yet, John still found himself wiping his clammy hands across the front of his jeans.

“You okay?”

“Hmm? Oh yeah, sorry. Long day at university.” John smiled, quickly looking away from the bar again as he leaned forwards to take a sip of his drink. “But you know all about that, what with you studying Physics.”

They fell into easy conversation. John guided most of it, but he didn’t mind. Every so often, his gaze would trail past Damian. Watching the queue gradually begin to wane.

Once they finished their second drinks, John virtually jumped up from his chair. Consequently cutting Damian off mid-sentence. John immediately felt bad as he offered up an apologetic smile.

“Sorry. I’ll just erm…go and get us another drink.”

Damian nodded, his eyebrows furrowed slightly. “Okay.”

By the time John got to the bar, there was only space besides Roger. He filled it easily.

“Hey.”

John looked round, straight into Roger’s blue eyes. “Hi.”

“I know you said not to talk to you, but I thought it’d be slightly weird, given that you’re stood right next to me.”

“I never said—okay, fine.”

Roger went back to reading the menu in his hands, and humming quietly. John watched him from the corner of his eyes.

“I erm, I gave Brian back your DVD, by the way.”

“Yeah, I got it, thanks.”

“It was good, really good. If not a little bleak.”

Roger shrugged as he sipped his drink. “I think that’s kind of the point. I still can’t believe you’ve not seen it before. Given you’re a self-proclaimed Sci-Fi fan.”

“It was just one that I hadn’t gotten around to. I’ve watched most of the other versions.”

“Yeah, but that’s the original version. It’s the best one by a long shot, in my opinion.”

“You’re not a fan of the new series?”

Roger sighed, putting down his menu again and pursing his lips. “I mean they’re good, but as I’ve said before. I like the classics. Same goes for most things. Give me an original _Ford Mustang_ over a…I don’t know, a _Mazda MX_ or whatever, any day of the week.”

John shook his head, unable to resist responding. “I mean, I get where you’re coming from. But personally, I quite like the Mazda brand. Plus, the _MX5_ has gotten a lot better. I think it’s cool that they at least gave people the option of having a 1.5 litre engine or a 2.0, both of which are actually a lot more high-powered than their older versions.”

Roger’s lips rose into a smile. “You know about cars?”

John quickly looked away and offered a vague shrug. “A bit.”

“That’s cool.”

John ordered his drinks whilst Lucy came back over and set a fresh glass in front of Roger.

“Thanks babe,” he said as he gave her a wink. She smiled in response and moved to serve somebody else. Roger finished his drink, and pulled the new glass forwards. “Lucy’s set-up a tab for me.”

John nodded in response.

“I just didn’t want you thinking I’m getting freebies now that me and her are together—”

“—It’s none of my business if you are.”

“No, but still. I didn’t want to give you any more reasons to hate me.”

John opened his mouth and then closed it again. Instead, he tried to choose his next words carefully. “When did that happen then?”

“When did what happen?”

John sighed loudly, his gaze still averted. “You and Lucy.”

“Oh, erm…a couple of weeks. But obviously I’ve not been coming in as much, so we mostly just hang out at hers, or at mine.”

John thought that over as he bit his lip. Then he leaned over to pay for his drinks. He only replied once Roger’s gaze was drawn back to the menu, and John had his drinks firmly in his hands. “If you’ve been keeping away because of me then…you don’t need to. I shouldn’t have asked you to do that.”

He headed back to his table before Roger could reply. He offered Damian a shy smile as he put down their drinks and sat opposite. They soon started up an easy conversation again.

Not long after, they stood to leave, with the intention of going back to Damian’s flat. They shared a smile, their hands brushing, as they headed for the door. A guy shoved into Damian, almost sending him flying.

“Watch out, mate.”

Damian stuttered out an apology, and the other guy snickered in response.

“So I should think. _Fucking fairy_.”

John’s blood ran cold at the phrase. “What did you just say?”

The man turned and John suddenly felt sick. He stumbled back in shock, almost falling into Damian.

It was like nothing had changed. He still wore the same smirk, still had the same messy, dark hair. He was even wearing the same black hoodie and jeans.

Steven smirked when he saw John.

“Oh, what a surprise. I should have guessed you’d be with him. Almost didn’t recognise you Deacon, under all that fag make-up,” Steven said, his voice slightly slurred. John noticed his eyes were glazed over too.

John took a moment, ignoring the way his heart began to race. He tried to reply as slowly and evenly as he could, fighting the temptation to put more distance between them.

“You realise it was you who bumped into him?”

“Excuse me? I see you’ve finally grown some balls. About time considering you spent most of school touching everybody else’s.”

John could feel his face grow hotter in embarrassment at the way people had started to stare. He looked back at Damian, seeing the panic on his face. He quietly suggested they leave, turning his back on Steven quickly.

Not quick enough.

“Oy! I didn’t say you could leave, you fucking poof—”

“—Is there a problem?”

Steven removed his hand from the back of John’s jacket, stopping pulling him back. John stumbled a little in his platform heels but he managed to catch himself by grasping the back of a nearby chair.

“Roger man, is that you? What are the fucking chances? How you doing mate?”

Roger kept his arms folded, his expression tense as his gaze flickered between Steven’s face and the hand he’s just extended. “Steven. What’s going on?”

“Nothing I can’t handle,” Steven said with a wave of his hand. Then he nodded his head towards John. “Look, who I’ve just ran into. Fucking Deacon himself, and wearing make-up no less. He looks like he’s even more of a faggot than he used to be.”

John lowered his gaze to the floor in shame, gasps of shock and quiet murmurs ringing in his ears. He almost missed the way Roger flinched in response.

“Can we go?” Damian asked quietly, his voice shaky.

John nodded as he looked back at him. He noticed a couple of bouncers lingering outside the front doors. He quickly went to follow Damian.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going, Deacon?”

John felt himself being shoved backwards again, a hand grasping the back of his hair. He gasped, His eyes automatically welling-up at the sting of pain.

“Right, that’s enough! Fucking let him go!”

By the time that John had turned round, Steven had been pushed backwards. He’d almost taken down a chair with him. Roger was now stood in between them.

Steven looked up, his eyes widening. Then his expression changed, anger in his eyes. “Hey man, what the fuck’s your problem?”

“ _My_ problem?” Roger scoffed. “You’re pathetic, Steven! He’s gay! So what? We’re not fucking kids anymore! Get over it!”

“Oh, I see how it is! You’ve finally shown you’re true colours, huh? I had my suspicions that you were a _freak_ like him! You always were the weakest out of all of us.”

Roger barely seemed to react. “I think you should go—”

“—Yeah? You going to fucking make me, are you?” Steven prepared to jump back up, his face slightly pink.

John barely had time to shuffle out of the way. Steven flung himself at Roger, shoving him against the wall. Roger fought back easily enough, one of his hands shaping itself into a fist just as the bouncers headed in to pull them apart. They eventually managed to drag Steven outside. But not before he spat straight in Roger’s face.

“You’re a fucking disgrace, Taylor!”

John watched Roger turn away, his eyes glassy. His hands were shaking slightly as he grabbed a napkin to wipe at his face. By the time he turned back, Lucy had already hurried over to his side.

“What the hell was that about? Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. It was just some twat who started on John.”

John collapsed into a chair. He felt slightly shaky, and a little light-headed.

Roger was watching him, his eyebrows furrowed. Lucy was stood beside him, a hand clasped on his shoulder. “You okay?”

Joh gave a weak nod.

“I still don’t understand why he started on you. Did you know him, John?” Lucy asked, a frown on her face.

John swallowed thickly. “Err—”

“—No, we didn’t know him,” Roger replied for him. “Think he was just drunk. He was an idiot.” Then he looked back at John. “I’ll go and grab us some drinks.”

By the time that Roger came back, John’s hands had almost stopped shaking. Roger gave him a sympathetic smile as he set two glasses of water down.

“I think your dates officially done a runner.”

John reached for the glass of water to take a large gulp. “I can’t say that I blame him.”

“How are you feeling?” Roger asked as he sat opposite.

“Okay.”

Roger’s expression smoothed itself out as he took a sip of his drink. “Sorry you had to deal with… _that_.”

“Don’t worry. I’m used to it.”

Roger winced. “You shouldn’t have to be. He’s a _dick_.”

John gave a small nod of agreement and sipped his drink again.

“I can’t believe it’s been four years and yet, he’s not changed a bit. Come to think of it, I’ve not seen any of them in that long. Good job if they all still think like that.”

“What, and you don’t?”

It came out harsher than intended.

“I suppose I deserve that,” Roger said quietly as he set his glass back down. “But no, I don’t. I’m not sure I ever did. I just used to trail after them in the hope that they wouldn’t turn on me. Not that it’s any excuse. But the best thing I ever did was leave home and move in with Brian.”

John nodded in response. “What did you do for the two years before you moved to London?”

Roger looked away quickly, watching people walk past their table. He raised a hand to tuck his hair behind his ear.

“Oh, you know…erm…I just sort-of moved down here really. You remember I had that weekend job at the café? I saved enough money to help towards rent. Not that Brian ever lets me pay that much. He got a job at a bar in town before he started working here.”

John watched him closely, his expression careful. “I’m still trying to work out what you’re getting out of all this.”

Roger stared at him, his eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“You literally despised me. All your mates did. So how can you go from that to… _this_. Being nice to me. Being so sorry for what you did.”

“I probably owe a lot of that to Brian. He helped me see sense in a way. We got real close after we started living together. I guess you could say that he err…helped figure out a few things in my head. Particularly about how most of my behaviour was stemmed from fear.”

John frowned. “Fear?”

“Fear of them lot. That’s why I kept quiet through all that shit they did to you. I know that makes me just as bad,” Roger said, dropping his gaze to the edge of his table, and biting his lip for a moment. “You were right. About what you in our last year. I was a coward. I should have stood up to Steven sooner. I can understand why you hate me.”

John continued to watch him. He heard the regret in Roger’s tone. Saw the sadness in his eyes.

He found the next words slipping off of his tongue, so easily that it caught him by surprise too. “I don’t hate you.”

Roger looked up at him from underneath his eyelashes uncertainly. “Really?”

John sighed in response. “I’m not saying that I exactly trust you or feel comfortable around you. But then I feel like that with most people until I get to know them better. But I wouldn’t say that I hate you exactly. Freddie on the other hand…”

“Understandable. I’d feel the same way if I was him,” Roger said as he wiped the condensation from his glass. He tugged his bottom lip between his teeth, watching John carefully. “Did you erm…know that Steven got expelled just after you moved away?”

John gave a small nod. “Lewis told me. Not long before we stopped speaking.”

It felt strange, hearing himself say that name out-loud. He’d inevitably began thinking of him more since Roger had been around.

Roger said nothing for a moment, watching John far too closely for his liking.

“Speaking of. I should apologise for that too. For making you feel like the only way to escape was by moving away, and for splitting you two up. If it helps, he did punch me in the face. I’ll be the first to admit that I fucking deserved it too.”

“Really?”

Roger hummed in response. “It was on my first day back after exclusion. I erm…well, I was trying to find out where you’d moved to. I wanted to apologise, to try and make things…right, I guess. Stupid, I know. Anyway, he was obviously quite upset, I kept pushing the subject and so he turned around and punched me in the face. Had quite a good aim on him actually.”

John wasn’t sure how to react. It seemed that Lewis had still been looking out for him, even after he’d gone away.

“Anyway, I think Brian coming out as bisexual not long after I left school helped put things into perspective. About how sexuality doesn’t have to define you. He’s still my best friend. He’s still _Brian_.”

“You should try telling your old friends that.”

Roger murmured in agreement.

“Maybe some people aren’t capable of change. Steven clearly isn’t capable of change.” Roger said with a sigh. “Even still, I like to think that I’m living proof that just sometimes an arsehole can see the error of his ways. Eventually.”

“Maybe you’re right,” John said quietly. “I do appreciate that you’re trying. I just…struggle to take people at their word anymore. That’s usually why my relationships don’t work out.”

Roger’s expression seemed to grow sadder at that. “I really am sorry. Would you at least believe me when I say that I genuinely like you? Which only makes me feel guiltier. You’re funny, sassy, brave. You’re obviously a great friend too, given how fiercely Freddie cares about you.”

John shook his head slightly, uncertain how to take any of those compliments, not coming from Roger. “I’m not sure about that.”

“It’s true,” Roger insisted more firmly. “I think it’s amazing how strong you are. I heard you stand up to Steven tonight. That takes real courage, especially after everything you’ve been through.”

“Everything you and your friends put me through you mean?” John sniped before he could stop himself.

“Well yeah, exactly,” Roger sighed heavily, his gaze slipping from John’s face again. “Just know that I am at least trying to right my mistakes. The first step was to cut the toxic people out of my life. That was surprisingly easy considering we all stopped talking immediately after Steven got kicked out of school. Second was to seek help, so that I didn’t remain that same, horrible person. The next was to decide what I wanted to do with my shithole of a life and stick to it. As you can tell, that’s still a work in progress.”

Roger looked up to offer a sheepish smile.

“I even had this plan in my head. Once I finished university, I was going to come looking for you. Or hunt you down on social media. Either or.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously,” Roger smiled. “You can ask Brian. We got drunk one night and had this really deep conversation about what we wanted to do with our lives.”

John nodded in response, finding himself believing him.

“The point is, I owe Brian everything. I could never go back to being friends with fucking… _awful_ people like that. Not after all he did for me. I honestly don’t think I’d still be here if it wasn’t for him. In fact no, I know I wouldn’t. He basically saved my life.”

John frowned in response, curiosity niggling away at him. “What do you mean, _he basically saved your life—_ ”

“—Oh darling, thank god you’re okay!”

John looked up just as a pair of arms were folding around him. Seconds later, he had a mouthful of Freddie’s scarf. He lifted his hand to pull it away from his face.

“Of course I’m okay. How do you even know what happened?”

“Roger rang me to say that you bumped into Steven. That fucking arsehole. He was just lucky I wasn’t here.”

John looked at Roger from over Freddie’s shoulder, but he was staring at his phone.

“Let me look at you, sweetie,” Freddie cooed, moving back to search his face. “Did he hit you?”

“What, no! Roger actually erm…stuck-up for me. Before the bouncers kicked Steven out.”

“Really?” Freddie asked as he turned to look at Roger.

He looked up at them both, his expression even. “Don’t sound too surprised.”

“What was in it for you exactly? A free drink?”

“No actually. Maybe I was just being nice?”

“I wouldn’t know. It’s not a concept I’m familiar with.”

Roger placed a hand over his heart and pouted. “You wound me, Fred.”

“My heart bleeds, blondie. Right come on, let’s get you home. I’ll make you a nice cup of tea with a touch of whiskey.”

“Ooh, can I come?”

Freddie’s eyes narrowed at Roger as he linked arms with John. “No! You’re not invited!”

Roger’s immediately grinned. “I think you’re starting to like me, Freddie.”

Freddie’s response was to give him the finger. Roger laughed a little in response.

John went to bed not long after they got home. He was starting to get a headache and he felt like a heavy weight was pressed down against his chest.

What he needed was sleep.

Instead, he reached for the photo album underneath his bed. It had been so long since he’d let himself look at it, but everything tonight had him unable to deny the urge.

It contained all the photos John had taken whilst in secondary school. When he still had his camera.

He flicked through until the end. Hidden in the back pocket was a strip of four photos. They were of the same two people.

The first one was Lewis and him pulling silly expressions.

The second was them laughing.

The third was of them sharing a look, a hint of a smile still on their faces.

And the fourth was…of them kissing.

John swallowed thickly as he took in the way Lewis’s hand was gently tangled in the back of John’s hair. John’s arms were around Lewis’s shoulders…

_“Ooh, a photobooth! Let’s go inside!”_

_John groaned in response as Lewis took his hand and started to pull him towards it. “Do we have to? I hate having my picture taken! It’s bad enough having it done at school. And it’s every year—”_

_“—Oh stop moaning!” Lewis teased. “You’ve got nothing to complain about. You always look gorgeous. Me, on the other hand. I end up with this stupid, goofy smile on my face.”_

_“I love that goofy smile,” John said quickly, unable to resist admitting it. Not now that he could. His breath caught in his throat as Lewis turned to look at him, a soft look in his eyes._

_“Just as I love yours. Which is exactly why we need to have our picture taken. I haven’t got any of us since we started dating.”_

_“We’ve only been dating for two minutes—”_

_“—That’s not the point,” Lewis argued back, the slightest smile on his face as he went back to tugging John towards the photobooth. “Will you at least agree if I promise to make it worth your while?”_

_“Oh?”_

_Lewis’s smile widened now that he had John’s obvious attention. “Maybe I could do that thing that you seemed to like so much the other night—”_

_“—Okay, fine,” John said with an over dramatic sigh, his resistance waning. “Let’s just get this out of the way.”_

_Lewis laughed in response as they made a beeline for the photobooth. Then he leaned in to give John a kiss on the cheek. “You’re amazing, you know that?”_

_John felt his face heat up at Lewis’s words and actions as he followed him behind the curtain. “Yeah, yeah, I know you’re only saying that because I’ve agreed to this.”_

_Lewis immediately sat himself in his lap. John’s arms wrapped themselves around Lewis’s neck. “No. I’m saying it because it’s the truth. I still quite can’t believe I’ve bagged the hottest guy in school.”_

_John felt himself growing redder by the second. “You’re such a flatterer.”_

_“It’s not flattery if it’s true!” Lewis insisted as he laughed again, the sound making John’s heart skip a beat in response…_

John shivered slightly at the memory. He could still remember the taste of Lewis’s tongue, the feel of his strong, lean body against his, the way he shuddered at John’s touch, the sounds of his soft moans…

John inhaled shakily in response. It had been years since he’d let himself imagine that night with Lewis.

He was John’s first love. He’d probably always miss him, even if he didn’t quite yearn for him as much as he used to.

But today, he did. Today, he wished more than anything that things had been different. Maybe him and Lewis would still be together. Maybe they could have been happy. Maybe John would have indeed been engaged by now too.

He supposed he’d never know.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GO ON ROG!! WOO-HOO! I feel so proud of our boy!! Aahhhh!!! Finally, Roger had the courage to stand up to Steven. It's just a shame he didn't get the chance to punch him in the face lol. Still, that took SO MUCH courage for Roger to do and I hope it'll be enough to prove to John that he really can start letting his guard down around him a little more. What do you think? Poor John too! I just wanted to give him a hug at the end of the chapter. :(
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed that chapter! Let me know your thoughts!
> 
> My date got postponed until this afternoon because of the weather (but in all honesty, I'm glad as people went mad over the weekend due to the pubs being reopened) Wish me luck!  
> Hope you all have a good week, and stay safe. I'll try and update again on Friday! Take care. :) <3


	10. Let Your Heart Rule Your Head Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ROGER'S POV
> 
> Roger is still struggling with the demons from his past. John manages to surprise him with an unexpected request, and he begins to see hope for the future...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATING: Rating is for homophobic language in the flashback, and swearing. I think that's pretty much it!

_“P-please d-don’t! I-I’ll d-do anyth-thing!”_

_Steven’s laughter echoed through the changing room as he sat himself between John’s legs, his hands resting against his thighs._

_“Yeah, I bet you will, you dirty cock-sucker. Just relax and open your legs. You should be used to doing that by now from what we’ve heard.”_

_“Wait—”_

_“—Wait?”_

_Only this time, Steven looked back at Roger instead. A smirk on his face._

_“Oh I get it. You’d rather do it instead, would you? No wonder you stuck up for him back at the pub.” He stood back up and walked forwards, forcing Roger into a corner. His eyes were narrowed, disgust on his face. “Want your cock inside of him, is that it?”_

_“What, no—”_

_“—I knew you were like him. A dirty, disgusting queer—”_

Roger gasped, jolting upwards and blinking in the darkness. His body was damp with sweat and the duvet was stuck to him. He placed his head in his hands and caught his breath, until the urge to cry eventually waned.

Then he got up, desperate for a shower. He hummed quietly to himself under the hot spray of water, trying not to dwell on his thoughts.

He couldn’t understand why he was still having those sorts of dreams.

He’d said it himself already. Brian was still _Brian_. Same as John. Same as Freddie. Why should he be any different?

He sighed in response, too tired to re-evaluate everything in his head. Instead, he turned the shower back off, shivering from the cold as he quickly reached for a towel.

It was almost light by the time he’d changed and wondered into the kitchen.

“It’s a bit early for you, isn’t it?”

“Hmm? Oh, I couldn’t sleep.”

Brian closed the fridge to see Roger slump into a chair, his eyelids heavy. “Did you have a nightmare? I didn’t think you got those anymore.”

“Only now and again.”

Brian frowned as he flicked the kettle on. “Maybe you should think about seeing Doctor Hale again—”

“—I’m fine, Brian,” Roger sighed, pushing his damp hair back from his face.

“Are you though? Because you seem a little on edge lately, and I’m worried that seeing so much of John might make you do something stupid again—”

“—You worry too much. I told you, _I’m fine_.”

Brian hummed disbelievingly as he set a cup of coffee down in front of him. “Please tell me if you do start to feel overwhelmed by it all. Don’t be too proud to ask for help.”

“Yes Mother.”

Brian gave him a look as he reached for his satchel. “I’m being serious, Rog.”

“I know, Brian. Look, I promise. If things start to get on top of me again, I’ll ask for help. Okay?” Roger said, hoping he sounded sincere.

“Fine, just make sure that you do,” Brian said evenly, giving him a tense smile on his way past.

Brian’s words stayed at the forefront of his mind as Roger went about his day. He barely focused in his classes, trying not to feel guilty over not telling Brian he’d started therapy again. But then he reasoned that it was for his own good. He and Freddie were caught in the middle and it would be unfair to involve them if he could help it.

By the time he was finished, Roger really wanted another hot shower and an early night. But he’d already agreed to meet Lucy after her shift.

John was working too.

He looked up once he finished serving a group of girls and offered an uncertain smile. Roger gave a small one back and quickly looked away, feeling as if he’d made it too obvious. He tried to listen carefully as Lucy headed over and talked about her day. Even as his attention began to divert elsewhere…

Back to John.

Watching him pour a pint for his next customer. Noticing the way his eyebrows furrowed in concentration, his lips pursed…

“Babe?”

“Huh?”

Lucy smiled as Roger quickly turned his head. “I said _do you want a drink whilst you wait_? I’ll only be about half an hour.”

“Oh erm…no, I’m fine, thanks.”

“Okay. I’ll just finish serving my couple of tables, and I’ll be straight over.”

“Cool.”

She leaned over to give him a quick kiss. Almost as soon as she’d gone, Roger went back to watching John hand over his customers change with a smile. Roger’s gaze slipped from his face, taking in his black shirt and jeans. He couldn’t seem to look away this time, even when he was caught again.

John slowly made his way over. “Alright?”

Roger swallowed thickly before he replied. “Yeah. You?”

“Yeah, I’m…okay.”

“Okay.”

It felt like John was on the verge of saying more as he fiddled with his hands, his face slightly pink. So Roger stayed quiet.

“I erm…I’ve been thinking.”

Here we go…

“That doesn’t sound good,” Roger said, only half-joking. John sighed, giving him a _really_ kind of look.

“Fred and I have been talking.”

“Okay, that definitely doesn’t sound good.”

John rested one of his hands against his hip. “I’m serious.”

“So am I. Freddie hates me.”

“For good reason.”

Roger bit his lip, fighting not to wince in response. “Okay. Fair point.”

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Roger felt even more confused by his apology. “Don’t sweat it. You were just telling the truth.”

John nodded, watching him far too closely. “I thought maybe we could…hang out. If you wanted to.”

Roger blinked, certain he’d misunderstood. “Hang out? Together?”

“Well yeah. That’s usually what hanging out means, doesn’t it?”

“But…why? I thought you wanted nothing to do with me.”

John raised his eyebrows in response. “Are you really going to question the olive branch I’m attempting to offer you here.”

“Err… _no_?”

“Right then,” John said quietly. “I was thinking cinema, maybe? They’re showing the _Men in Black_ films tomorrow afternoon if you fancy it.”

“Err yeah, yeah, sounds good.”

“Okay,” John said, finally offering another small smile. “See you then.”

-o-

“What the fuck happened to your room? It looks like your wardrobe’s exploded!”

“I love you Brian, but I need you to fuck off if you’re not going to offer up any helpful observations.”

“How about that you look like a gay Doctor Who in those rainbow braces.”

Roger tilted his head to peek at Brian from besides his wardrobe door, eyes narrowed as he placed his hands on his hips. “I said helpful, Brian!”

“Alright, calm down! What is it that you’re actually looking for exactly?”

“Something to wear obviously! Something that’ll make me look suave and sexy and sophisticated.”

“Well I think you’ll need to change your whole wardrobe for that to happen—Jesus, it was just a joke!” Brian said as Roger threw a shirt at his head. He cleared space on the bed so that he could sit down. “Are you making all this effort for Lucy? You must really like her.”

“It’s not for Lucy.”

Brian frowned as Roger went back to rooting through his wardrobe. “Then…who is it for?”

“John.”

“Wait, what?"

“Oh relax. It was John’s idea to hang out. Freddie knows too. Or at least…I think he does.”

“It was John’s idea? Seriously? Well, where are you going?”

“To the cinema. To see _Men in Black_.”

Brian stared at him, his eyebrows furrowed. “So you’re making all of this effort and you’re going to be sat in the dark?”

“He’s still going to see me! Presumably we’ll be meeting outside. I want to make an impression, Brian!”

“Why? It’s not like it’s a date,” Brian said, before Roger heard him gasp. “ _Oh my god_ , it’s not, is it?”

“No, but that’s not the point. I still want to look nice. John’s giving me a chance here, so I want to show how serious I’m taking all of this, that’s all.”

Brian said nothing for a moment, his gaze roaming over Roger’s slightly pink cheeks. “Okay. Well how about that shirt you wore the other day? The white one?”

“Too boring!”

“Your denim one?”

Roger groaned in response. “On come on, Brian! Double denim is _so_ not in fashion anymore!”

“How about that nice sweater you brought last week?”

“It’s too itchy,” Roger said with a wince. “Not to mention that I was hoping for something a little more…” he pursed his lips as he considered his next words. “ _figure hugging_.”

Brian scoffed in response. “What a tart.”

“You’re not helping!”

“And you’re seriously overthinking this,” Brian said with a sigh. He got up again and stood in front of Roger. “Here, try this.”

He turned Roger towards him and undid the first two buttons of his shirt. Then he rolled the sleeves up to the elbows and stepped back to look at him. “There.”

Roger looked down at himself with a frown. “Is this supposed to be improved?”

“You look like a… _dishevelled bohemian artist_. Doesn’t John usually go for those slightly geeky, artistic types?”

“Okay, sold. Thanks Brian.”

Brian rolled his eyes as he headed for the hallway. “As always, a pleasure.”

Roger felt virtually scruffy when John turned up. His mouth fell open as his gaze trailed past John’s face.

He was wearing black jeans, a burgundy top and a velvet jacket. His dark hair framed his soft features perfectly. He reminded Roger of one of those oil paintings he’d seen in the National Gallery. All doe-eyed, ivory skin, red lips, long, glossy hair, and high cheekbones.

“We going in then?” John asked, his face turning slightly pink.

“Err yeah of course, sorry. I’m being rude, aren’t I? Here, let me get that.” Roger said, rushing to open the door.

John mumbled a quiet _thank you_ , his gaze low, as he headed inside.

The movie was good. Roger had seen all of the _Men in Black_ films at least ten times before. But it was nice. Hanging out with John.

Every so often, he’d look at John from the corner of his eyes. Whilst trying not to be too obvious. Noticing the way John’s forehead creased when he concentrated, the way he licked his lips after sipping his cola, the way he’d bite his nails during a tense bit, or the way his face lit up when he laughed.

The little things.

Roger shared his bag of popcorn. Every so often their hands would brush, and John would pull away as if he’d been burned, as Roger stuttered out a quiet apology.

It was dark by the time they got outside.

Roger turned to look at John uncertainly. “Thanks for err…tonight. I had a really good time. Hanging out with you.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

A warm, pleasant sensation blossomed in Roger’s chest at John’s words. He couldn’t quite fight back a smile. “Well you know…it’s still early. We could always grab a quick drink?”

“I think we should just…take it one step at a time.”

“Oh erm…yeah okay,” Roger said, trying not to sound too disappointed as he watched John brush a strand of hair back behind his ear. “But before you go, I just wanted to say…I wanted to make clear how much I appreciate you giving me a chance. It means a lot. I don’t take it lightly.”

“I know. I know you don’t.”

“Okay good.”

John smiled uncertainly. “Well, I’m gonna’—”

“—Yeah, sure. See you around.”

Roger watched him walk away, a hint of a smile still on his face. By the time he walked back to the flat and through the front door, he was virtually grinning.

For the first time in a long while, Roger was feeling good. Happy.

He was already considering where to hang out with John next time. Maybe they could catch a gig, or visit the _London Film Museum_. Roger still hadn’t had a chance to go, and he heard they were doing an exhibition about the vehicles used in the _James Bond_ films. He thought maybe John would find that interesting too, given his shared interest in cars.

He called out for Brian, but was met with silence, despite the hallway light being on. He frowned and shouted his name again as he headed into the kitchen and turned the light on. He snorted at the sound of a door opening.

“Blimey Brian, are you getting deaf in your old age?”

“I’m going to say no, considering I’m not actually your flatmate.”

Roger turned back to see Lucy stood in his bedroom doorway.

She pulled back her coat and let it drop to the floor, revealing the Basque and stockings she had on. Roger’s gaze trailed over her curves.

“Do you like it? Brian let me in before he went to Freddie’s.”

“It’s very… _lacy_.”

“Yes, I think that’s the point,” she smirked. “It even comes with a whip, you know?”

“Does it now?” Roger said, licking his lips as he took in Lucy’s body appreciatively.

She murmured in response, slowly stepping backwards into his room. She gave a small smile as she began to undo the ties of the Basque, using her other hand to beckon him forwards.

Roger didn’t think he’d moved so fast in his life…

-o-

“Taste this.”

“Why? Is it poisoned?”

“Yes, because the plan is to poison you, my fiancé and my fiancé’s best friend.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised. I’ve always thought you had a nasty streak, Brian.”

“Just shut up and tell me what you think.”

Roger took the fork off of Brian to taste the beef and noodles. Once he finished swallowing, he hummed appreciatively. “Good, really good. Hmm, is that chilli I can taste?”

“Yeah. It’s Freddie’s favourite.”

“Nice.”

Roger left him to finish cooking. He got a quick shower and changed into a black shirt and jeans before re-joining Brian in the kitchen.

“Nice shirt.”

Roger made a face jokingly in response as he sat at the table. “I sense sarcasm, though I’ve no idea why. Not coming from the king of plaid himself.”

“I’ve told you before. Freddie likes my plaid shirts.” Brian said defensively as he finished dishing up the noodles.

“Someone has to, I suppose,” Roger grinned. “Anyway, John likes black. He said it himself at the pub last night, whilst him and Lucy were working.”

“Ah, I see.”

Roger frowned as Brian pursed his lips as he grabbed a beer from the fridge and passed it to Roger. “What are you smirking at?”

“Nothing, nothing.”

Brian quickly excused himself at the sound of a knock.

The four of them spent most of dinner talking about Brian and Freddie’s wedding.

“So now that you’ve met each other’s friends and families, are you going to officially set a date?” Roger asked as he sipped his beer.

“We’re thinking August,” Freddie smiled after he finished chewing his last piece of noodles.

John raised his eyebrows, looking up from where he was spooning noodles onto his fork. “This August?”

“Shotgun wedding?”

Brian gazed evenly across the table at Roger. “Hilarious. You should be a comedian. If your career in drumming fails.”

“I might just consider that,” Roger smirked.

“Besides, you’re literally studying Biology. You more than anyone should know that it’s physically impossible—”

“—Lighten up May, I was pulling your leg,” Roger interrupted with a roll of his eyes.

“Obviously we mean August next year,” Freddie said. “It gives us time to plan and save up a bit.”

Brian smiled in response. “Exactly. We don’t want anything too big, do we?”

“ _Nothing too big_?” John questioned uncertainly. “I find that highly unlikely. Freddie never does anything by halves.”

“You make a good point,” Brian said, gazing at Freddie fondly as he wrapped his arm around the back of Freddie’s chair. “But the thing is that we know we’re not going to have a lot of money, and we’ve still got graduation to pay for.”

“Well if you need any help, you know you can just ask,” John said immediately.

Roger nodded in agreement. “Yeah, same goes for me. I know I don’t have a lot, but I could always ask my Mum for a sub—”

Brian shook his head quickly. “—It’s a lovely thought you two, but you don’t need to do that. We can still make it nice without going too overboard. It just means we might have to keep it a little more…intimate then we first planned, that’s all.”

Freddie murmured. “Yes, which reminds me. Sorry Roger. You didn’t make the cut.”

Roger’s eyes widened in response, his smile quickly falling. “What?”

Brian sighed in response. “Come on, be nice. I told you, he’d my oldest friend. I want him there—”

Freddie pushed his plate away, his eyes narrowing at Brian. “Yes and I told you. I don’t feel happy having a homophobe at my wedding—”

“—It’s lucky I’m not one then, isn’t it?”

“No, just a bully instead.”

Roger sighed in response, pushing his plate away. “Not anymore, I’m not. Look, I understand why you don’t like me, Fred. I’d definitely feel the same way if I was in your shoes. You want to protect your friend, stop him from being hurt. But I promise you that that’s the last thing I want to do. What can I do to prove that? What will it take for you to believe that I’m here because I genuinely want to make things right?”

Freddie narrowed his eyes at him from across the table. “Why don’t you finally take the hint and leave him alone for a start?”

“Freddie—”

“— _Shh_ Brian,” Freddie said with a wave of his hand. “You say all these nice things, but do you even have any concept of the trauma you inflicted on John’s life? He had to have counselling because of you arseholes.”

Roger turned to look at John. He was staring at his plate, his expression rigid, one hand resting against his chin. Roger swallowed thickly, suddenly feeling sick.

“My god, that’s…terrible. I didn’t know that. I’m so sorry.”

“Yes well. Like I said, if you meant that, you’d leave him alone, so that he can finally move on with his life—”

“—That’s enough, Freddie.”

John’s voice, so quiet, yet firm, had all three of them looking back at him. John was watching Freddie, his expression even.

“Darling, I’m just looking out for you—”

“—Well don’t. I can fight my own battles.” John said, standing up and letting his chair scrape against the floor. “I’m going to the toilet. By the time I get back, I’d like us to be talking about something else—”

“But John—”

“—I swear to god Freddie, if I come back and find you arguing, I’ll literally walk home without you.”

Roger watched him walk away with a smile. John really was something else.

By the time that he got back, Freddie and Brian had moved onto having a heated debate about what colour combinations they wanted to use for the wedding.

John watched them, a small smile on his face. Roger leaned closer to talk to him conspicuously. “Does it count if those two are still arguing? Because at this point, I’ll happily walk out with you.”

Freddie managed to overhear and turned to glare at him. “Shove it, blondie.”

“He’s right. You two bicker like a married couple and you’re not even married yet,” John teased.

Brian huffed derisively in response. “You two aren’t much better. You’re more like a honey— _ouch_ , Fred! That was my foot.”

“Oh sorry love, was it?” Freddie asked far too innocently.

Roger’s gaze flickered between them, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

John and Freddie left not long after. Brian and Roger followed them to the front door.

“How comes you’re not staying round anyway Fred?” Roger asked.

“Because _nosey_. I’ve got to get up early to open the stall. I work at the market at the weekend, to help out a friend of a friend.”

“What kind of stall is it?”

“We sell vintage clothes. It’s nothing too exciting.”

“Oh cool. Well let me know if you need any help.” Roger offered.

He shrugged as they turned to look at him in surprise. “What? My Mum’s friend used to run an alteration stall back in Cornwall. I was often handling people’s clothes when their zipper broke, or amending people’s trousers and things.”

“With that shining recommendation, how could I refuse?”

Brian sighed in response. “Freddie—”

“Fine,” Freddie rolled his eyes. “I’ll bear that in mind. _There_. Happy?”

“Extremely,” Brian said with a sarcastic smile.

John and Freddie turned back in the doorway. “Thanks for tonight. It was lovely, wasn’t it Fred?”

Freddie nodded, his gaze sincere. “Yes it was nice. We should do it again sometime.”

“Brian did the cooking, to be fair,” Roger said honestly. “I’m a bit of a liability. Ended up almost setting fire to the kitchen boiling an egg once. I forgot about it and came back to find all the water had evaporated.”

“Would you believe it? Freddie can’t cook either,” John said, a glint in his eyes. “Perhaps you two have more in common than you both thought.”

Freddie huffed in response. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that, darling.”

“Look, all jokes aside,” Roger said, clearing his throat to get their attention. He wiped his hands over the front of his jeans nervously. “I just wanted to reiterate how much it means that you’re willing to at least try and forgive me for everything that happened at school, John. And for Freddie putting up with me, even if it’s just for John and Brian’s sakes. I don’t deserve either of those things, I know that, and—”

“—Finally. Something we can agree on.”

John turned his head at Freddie’s interruption, fixing him with a hard stare in response.

“Anyway, the point is, I want to prove that it wasn’t a mistake. I know I’ve got a lot of making up to do.”

John offered a small smile in response. “It’s fine. I just realised that it might be about time we all tried to move on. Rather than carry on dwelling on the past. God knows I’ve done enough of that myself over the years. I can see that you’re genuinely sorry about what I went through, and I don’t believe that Brian would still be friends with you if you wasn’t at least willing to change.”

Brian nodded in agreement as he looked between them. “No I wouldn’t be.”

“Right then. Brian and Freddie are getting married. That should be the thing we focus on. A celebration of the future.”

Freddie gave a small nod of agreement.

“Definitely,” Roger agreed quickly.

Brian hummed in acknowledgement.

They stayed in the doorway, watching John and Freddie turn and walk away.

Roger considered everything John had said whilst he tucked himself into bed that night. Agreeing a truce like that was courageous to say the least. He wanted to prove that he was worth a second chance, wanted to prove that John wasn’t making a mistake in trying to trust him again.

It was something he wouldn’t be taking for granted, that was for sure.

For the first time in a long while, Roger felt strong enough to tackle whatever came his way next. As well as hope for the future.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you think we could finally be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel? Let's hope so! :) So happy that Roger and John are at least trying to put all the hurt and the pain behind them. It's a start at least, right?  
> Really hope you enjoyed the chapter! Let me know what you thought. :) Thank you so much for all your wonderful reviews. I'm STILL attempting to catch up with them all and I love it lol. <3
> 
> My date went really well on Tuesday btw! I really like her. Which is VERY scary for me, as I'm always a bit wary about letting people close and being hurt. My family all know about her now, minus my Dad, so I'm very happy to be able to finally start gushing about her like I've wanted to do for months and months without the fear of being rejected or thought of differently, you know?
> 
> Anyway, I'm rambling as always hahaha. Have a good weekend, and I shall be back to update on Monday! Stay safe everyone! :)


	11. When Your Whole World is Sinkin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JOHN'S POV
> 
> There's a flashback to John having a nightmare. During the present time, John and Roger slowly begin to hang out more and more. John begins to do favours for Roger, much to Freddie's delight. And Roger's gaze seems to be drawn to John more and more...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mention of homophobia in the beginning, and swearing throughout.

_John tried to run. But they were quicker. They always were._

_He was pushed towards the grass. It was damp against John’s cheek._

_Something was pressed to John’s skin. Something sharp and hot. Within a second, it felt as if he was on fire. Steadily, it began to grow unbearable. John screamed, in too much pain to find the words to beg them to stop. One of them held a hand over his mouth._

_John wriggled harder. Tears collected in his eyes._

_His whole back was tingling. His vision began to blur, his eyelids growing heavy…_

_John gasped as he flew upwards in bed. His chest was heaving, his pyjamas stuck to his sweaty skin. He gradually managed to catch his breath, swallowing back the lump in his throat as he laid back down. He turned on his side, hugging his teddy bear tighter to him and crying into his pillow._

_John could still remember the feeling of the cigarette. The smell of it. Steven’s threat ringing in his ears._

**_If you tell anyone about this, even that boyfriend of yours, you’ll regret it. I’ll kill him, and then I’ll kill you. Got it?_ **

_He missed his Dad. He missed his home in Leicester. Maybe if he’d still been alive, they wouldn’t have had to move._

_His Mum watched from across the breakfast table the following morning. John was paranoid that she could see the dark circles under his eyes._

_“I was thinking that maybe you could invite Lewis and Holly round for a sleepover on Halloween?”_

_“That’ll be nice. I’ll ask them if they fancy it.”_

_She nodded in response. “How has your first couple of weeks been so far anyway? You’ve barely mentioned school lately. I hope they’re not giving you too much homework.”_

_“No more than usual,” John said, avoiding her eyes as he reached over to grab a couple of slices of toast._

_“Did you want a lift into school this morning? Julie’s already gone, as she had breakfast club.”_

_His grip tightened against the knife in his hand. He knew if he showed up in his Mum’s car, it would only give them more reason to ridicule him._

_“No, I’m fine thanks. I’m going to meet up with Lewis and Holly on the way.”_

_“Okay, if you’re sure, sweetheart,” she said softly as she stood up and grabbed her bowl. She used her other hand to ruffle his hair on the way to the sink._

_John frowned, glad that his back was to her. He felt a wave of guilt at having lied, even if it was only because he didn’t want to worry her…_

_-o-_

_Hey, it’s Roger! Fancy a double date tonight? Me, you, Lucy and James? X_

John quickly pressed the reply button.

_Yeah, sounds good. I’ll text James now_.

“What are you smiling to yourself about?”

John looked up to see Freddie staring at him from across the kitchen. “Oh, nothing really. Roger just invited me and James out on a double date tonight.”

“Oh, I see,” Freddie sniffed as he flicked the kettle on. “You’ve never been on a double date with me and Brian. Our company not good enough?”

“Don’t be silly. You’ve just never asked me before.”

“Well, I’m asking you now.”

“True,” John said, his smile widening. “How about next weekend then? We could go to that fancy cocktail place you’ve been wanting to try.”

Freddie smiled in response as he put a spoonful of coffee in his cup. “Alright, you’re on.”

With that sorted, John grabbed his jacket, bid his goodbyes and headed for university. He met up with James straight after his classes, and the two headed straight for _The Bar_.

They were already there, sat at a table at the side of the room.

Roger was leaned towards Lucy, his arm around the back of her chair and nodding to something she said. Then he turned his head and smiled as they approached their table.

“Hey, you alright? We thought we’d wait for you both before we got a drink,” Roger said as he quickly stood and held out his hand. “You must be James, nice to meet you. I’m Roger and this is Lucy.”

“Nice to meet you both,” James smiled before pulling away again. He turned his head to look at John. “Beer?”

“Yeah, please.”

“I’ll come with you,” Lucy said as she grabbed her purse.

Roger sat down at the same time as John, his gaze drifting back from the bar. “James seems nice.”

“Yeah, yeah, he is.”

“Speaking of, how’s Freddie? Don’t suppose he might reconsider needing any help at the stall, do you?”

“Why, you thinking of offering your services again?”

It had been a month since they’d started hanging out. Gradually but surely, John had grown more comfortable around him. Freddie? Not so much.

Roger sighed heavily in response. “You think there’ll be no point, don’t you?”

“No, I didn’t say that. Besides, he might feel differently now. With the first May bank holiday coming up, business has started to pick up again.”

“Does that make a difference then?”

“Surprisingly so. I’ll mention it to him. Carefully.”

“I’d really appreciate that,” Roger said cheerfully. He frowned a little. “I need to get a job. I can’t keep sponging off of Brian. It’s not fair.”

John nodded, his gaze flickering over Roger’s expression. Seeing the guilt in his eyes.

“I heard the manager at work talking about needing part-time staff too. Want me to pass your name on?”

Roger stared back, his eyes slightly wide. “I mean…if you could then that would be amazing. Thanks John.”

John gave a small shrug in response. “It’s no bother. To be honest, you’d be doing me the favour. University is starting to get hectic, and he keeps trying to get us to work more shifts.”

“Perfect,” Roger said with another smile. “So, changing the subject slightly. Do you think whoever came up with the name of this place was trying to be ironic or something?”

John snorted in response. “What, because it’s literally called _The Bar_?”

“Yeah. It’s not very original, is it?”

“I think that’s the point. It’s probably somebody’s idea of being whimsical.”

Roger rolled his eyes. “And I thought my sense of humour was shit.”

John laughed as he set his phone down on the table. He noticed Roger’s smile grow wider in response. “So come on then. What would you call it? If you owned a pub?

“Hmm…” Roger hummed, resting his chin against his hand and staring into space for a moment. Then he smiled. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe _Taylor’s Tavern_ or _The Hog’s Head_ like the one in Harry Potter.”

“ _Taylor’s Tavern_? That’s the best you can come up with?” John teased.

“Only because I was put on the spot. I’m sure I’d have come up with something better if I had more time to think.”

John grinned in response. “If you say so.”

James and Lucy headed back to their table then.

“James was just telling me how the two of you matched on a dating website,” Lucy said conversationally as they sat down.

“Yes, I spun him a few cheesy chat-up lines and he couldn’t resist.”

James smiled in response as he set their drinks down. “I’m not sure that’s true. In fact, I seem to remember it being the other way around. Me trying to chat you up.”

“Oh yeah. And failing.”

Lucy laughed in response. “So how did you manage to convince John to give you a chance then?”

“I think we just got talking, didn’t we? In the end. We both have a shared interest in photography and we like the same sort of films.”

“Photography? I didn’t know you took photos, John,” Lucy said as she raised her glass to take a sip. Roger looked between John and James curiously.

“I haven’t for a while. Had to sell my camera in first year because I needed the money.”

“That’s too bad,” Roger said as he put his bottle of beer back down.

“I’m not sure about that. I wasn’t very good.”

James rolled his eyes in response. “Lies again. I’ve seen the photos in that album you keep. You’re really good. Accepting compliments? Not one of his finer skills.”

John said nothing as he watched a group head into the bar, eager for somebody to change the subject.

“Now that I can believe.”

John turned his head, catching Roger’s fond expression. He offered an uncertain smile and slowly lowered his gaze to the menu James was holding up.

-o-

Freddie remained sat at the kitchen table, his arms folded over, his lips shaped into the slightest pout. “I thought I was a good friend to you, John.”

John sighed in response as he turned back from pouring the hot water into his favourite mug. It had the _Leicester_ football emblem on the side of it. “You are. I’ve never said you’re not.”

“Then why are you trying to force _Roger_ _Taylor_ onto my hands. Of all people.”

John rolled his eyes at Freddie’s dramatism as he stirred his coffee. “I’m not forcing anything. I just told him I’d mention it. Besides, you said it yourself that you could do with a hand at the stall.”

“Yes, with someone who knows what they’re doing. Or someone I can spend an hour with without wanting to throttle.”

“Don’t be mean. You could at least give him a trial shift. If he’s shit, fair enough.”

“You say it like it’s even down to me. You know it’s Adam who has the final say about who gets hired.”

“So talk to Adam.”

Freddie gave him a look as John turned to him expectantly. “ _John_ , seriously. Why can’t you recognise a helpless case when there is one? You’re as bad as Brian.”

“Maybe when you start recognising that just sometimes people really do deserve a second chance.”

“Yes, _people_. Roger Taylor isn’t _people_. In fact, I’m still not convinced the wanker even has feelings—”

“—Don’t be a dick,” John said sternly. “He’s Brian’s friend. He’s got no money and he needs a job.”

“So why is that my problem?”

John decided to try another tactic.

“It’s not. Not exactly. But just think of it this way instead. The only reason Roger wants to earn money is so that he can help Brian pay the rent and the bills. If he does that, it’ll mean Brian will have more money to spend on your wedding.”

Freddie watched him closely for a moment. Then he shook his head slowly. “Well played, Deacy. _Well played_.”

John hummed in response, fighting a smile about the fact he’d obviously won this particular debate. “It seems living with you has it’s uses after all, Fred.”

-o-

“God this is bloody technical, isn’t it?” Roger griped as he set down the glass of Guinness, three quarters full, as John had instructed.

“Not especially. Giving it a couple of minutes allows the surge to settle. Then when it’s ready, you fill it to the top. There’s nothing overly complicated about it.”

“You would say that. You make it look easy.”

Roger tapped his customers drinks onto the till screen. John watched him, whilst he finished pouring his customers last coke and vodka. “You’ve keyed in two Carlings. Didn’t they only have one?”

“Fuck, how do I delete it?”

“Like this.”

John put down his customers glass and stepped over to Roger’s side. He tapped on the _Carling_ and pressed the delete button at the top.

“ _Oh_. Like that. Easy when you know how.”

John gave him a sympathetic smile, pressing his hand to Roger’s arm for just a moment before he moved away. “You’ll get there.”

Roger’s gaze seemed to follow him.

Once it had quietened down, John went through the rota with him.

“We tend to fill it out a week at a time and then share it on our WhatsApp group. If there’s any shifts people can’t do, we’re pretty good about swapping.”

“Okay cool.”

“Which brings me to my next question,” John said, chewing absentmindedly on his pen. “Is there any days you can’t work?”

“Yeah, there is actually,” Roger said quietly, his gaze on the clipboard in John’s hands. “Thursday nights don’t really work for me.”

John’s eyebrows furrowed in response. “Every Thursday? Do you have a commitment?”

“Yeah, yeah I do. Erm…I have a class at university. Runs pretty late.”

John nodded. His gaze trailed over Roger’s slightly pink face. “Okay…I’ll…make a note. So that they know not to put you down for Thursday nights.”

“Thanks, I appreciate that.”

“There he is. My favourite bartender.”

Roger looked up to see Lucy making her way over, with a group of girls in tow. Her dark hair was curled, her eyelashes thick with mascara, and her cheeks were dusted in pink glitter.

“Lucy! Babe, what you doing here?”

“Thought I’d come by and surprise you. Me and the girls are heading into town, so we decided to make a stop off on the way.”

A blonde with red lipstick stood beside her quickly spoke up. “We’re going to that school disco thing. Lucy wanted to know if you could join us later?”

John watched the way she bit her lip, her skin slightly flushed, and her gaze heavy. Roger seemed too preoccupied with leaning in to kiss Lucy.

“Yeah, I’ll come out for a bit. As long as I’m not interrupting girls night?”

“No, not at all. In fact, we’re on our way to meet up with a couple of the guys from our course,” Lucy said as she tugged her black dress down a little.

“Alright cool. Well try not to have too much fun before I get there.”

“Can’t promise that I’m afraid, baby. You’ll just have to hurry up and join us, won’t you?” Lucy teased as she twirled a strand of hair between her fingers with a smile.

John quickly looked away as they shared a look, feeling like he was invading a private moment. He busied himself by emptying the container of bottle caps into the bin. Then he hissed as one caught his finger, slicing the tip open.

Roger looked round immediately. “John? John, are you alright?”

“I’m fine. I just caught my finger, that’s all—”

Roger stepped over to his side and reached for his hand.

“ _Ooh_ , that looks nasty!” Lucy winced. “There’s a first aid kit under the sink babe. We’ll leave you to it.”

“Okay, see you later,” Roger called from over his shoulder.

The blonde girl lingered at the bar, a small smile on her face. “Bye Roger.”

“Yeah, bye,” Roger replied distractedly as he stepped away from John to grab the first-aid box.

John was a little amused to see her pout in response before following the rest of them back out of the pub. Then he went back to watching Roger taking back his hand in his so that he could inspect the cut. He looked up at John from underneath his thick eyelashes closely. “Does it hurt?”

“Only a bit. I’m sure I won’t lose my finger.”

Roger nodded, dabbing it with a tissue gently. His hands were warm and soft, despite the callouses on his fingers. He peeled back the plaster and carefully put it on John’s cut.

“Thanks,” John said. He smiled shyly as Roger kept a hold of his hand. “Are you planning on…staring at it all night?”

Roger blinked, quickly moving back a step and letting go. “No, sorry. Miles away.”

His blue eyes seemed darker than normal. His voice came out a little croaky. “I should probably go and erm…check the barrels.”

“They’re fine. I only did them half an hour ago—”

“—Can’t be too careful. Didn’t you say that yourself?” Roger said with a tense smile. He rushed past John, his head ducked.

-o-

“I bring coffee in exchange for wedding gossip.”

“And that my dear, is why you’re my best friend.” Freddie smiled as he John wondered into their stall.

“That and my cooking skills, right?”

“Definitely. I’d be living on takeaways if it wasn’t for you, Deacy.”

“True.”

Brian looked between Freddie and Roger, a smile on his face. “You know, it’s funny, isn’t it? You and Roger sound more familiar by the day.”

Freddie scoffed in response. “He wishes he was as fabulous as me.”

“And he wishes he was as good looking,” Roger said as he turned to poke his tongue out at Freddie.

“Modesty’s never been your strong point huh, blondie?”

Brian rolled his eyes in response. “Said the kettle to the pot.”

“On that note,” John said quickly as he began to hand out the coffee from the tray he had hold of. “Brian, I got you an almond latte, as I knew that was your favourite. A black coffee for me, and Brian said you’ve got a sweet tooth, so I got you a mocha, Roger. Hope that’s okay?”

Roger hummed as he rushed forwards to take his coffee. “Ooh perfect, thanks.”

“And Fred, I got you a Unicorn Latte.”

Roger looked between them both, his mouth slightly open in fascination. “A _Unicorn Latte_? What the hell is that?”

“It’s nice, you should try it. Coconut milk, with a dash of ginger, honey, lemon, and blue-green algae.” Freddie said as he took a sip. “Although, I was thinking of trying a Red Velvet Latte next.”

“I think you mean _thank you for bringing us all a coffee, John_ ,” Brian said dryly.

“Oh relax. John knows I appreciate him.” Freddie said with a wave of his hand before he sat himself on top of the counter. “Anyway, wedding gossip. What did you want to know?”

“Well, it was only really to ask how it’s coming along. Planning it.”

“It’s been a headache, I’ll admit,” Brian said with a sigh, as he put his cup down. “We’ve decided the colour scheme at least. Tangerine, orange and yellow.”

“That’s… _brave_ ,” Roger said uncertainly.

“We won’t go too overboard,” Freddie said with a sigh, as if that should have been obvious. “But yellow is my favourite colour, tangerine is Brian’s, and we both like orange. We can still tone it down with some neutral colours if it’s too much.”

“Okay, well that’s a start, isn’t it?” John asked.

“The trouble is the guestlist. There’s too many people we want to invite, and we’re struggling to find a decent registry office in our price range.”

Freddie murmured, moving close enough to slip an arm around Brian’s shoulders. “That reminds me babe. I still think we should be thinking outside of the box. Find a studio or something similar. We can still make it look nice.”

“I’d like that too, Fred, but you know we’ve already looked into that. Most places were still too expensive, and even if we could afford it, we’d then have to find a registrar to marry us.”

“I know this is a minor issue, compared to everything else. But have you thought about whether you’ll provide food in the evening? It’s just that obviously you know Mum bakes. I could ask if she wouldn’t mind organising a small spread and doing the cake for you.”

“If you could, that’d be really good, John.”

“I didn’t even think about that,” Freddie said with a smile. “Thanks Deacy, you’re an angel.”

John smiled back in response, pleased he could help in some way. “So have you had a busy morning then? I was expecting to come down and see you rammed. Especially when Freddie text to say Brian had come down to help. That’s partly why I brought you all a coffee.”

“It’s been pretty busy actually,” Roger said as he leaned against the counter, and lifted his cup to take a sip. “Freddie managed to sell this horrible paisley shirt for an extortionate amount, and I talked this girl into buying a corduroy jacket. I thought that was really nice. I was going to buy it myself if she didn’t end up getting it.”

“I’d have charged you double for it.”

“Nah, I’d have wised up. I’m in the trade now, after all.”

Freddie rolled his eyes. “Ark at him. A week here and he already thinks he’s the next Del Boy.”

John looked between them in amusement. “So going well then? You two working together?”

“I’ll have you know Deacy, I’ve been on my best behaviour,” Freddie sniffed. “Even managed not to kill him when he gave a punter too much change, and ended up making the till wrong.”

“That’s very…considerate of you, Freddie?” Brian said slightly uncertainly.

“I didn’t do it on purpose,” Roger frowned. “And I made up for it by proving that I could sell those god awful bell-bottom trousers.”

“What do you want, a medal?” Freddie said in an unimpressed tone.

“Are you open?” A woman shouted from the edge of the stall. Freddie jumped down from the counter immediately, and headed to go and serve her.

-o-

John finished serving his customers their deserts and headed back behind the bar to see Roger giving two young women an apologetic smile as he handed their change over. “Sorry about the cocktails.”

“It’s fine, they tasted alright to us,” one of them said with an easy smile.

John watched them head back over to their table in the corner, as Roger moved over to John’s side with a sigh. “I messed their cocktails up.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it too much. You’ll get there. Just takes a bit of practice, that’s all.”

“I’ll have to keep trying to do them at home. At least those girls didn’t seem too bothered.”

John snorted in response. “Well you know why that is.”

“No, why?”

“Because they fancied you. They were definitely checking you out.”

“Really?”

John hummed as he began to cut up more lemons and limes from the fridge. “I wouldn’t mention that to Lucy if I were you though.”

“Probably best,” Roger agreed lightly. “Although, they weren’t my type anyway.”

“Oh you have a type?” John said unconvinced. “What is it, anything with a heartbeat?”

Roger gasped dramatically in response. “Hey, I’m not that bad! Not anymore anyway. I’ve actually got a thing for brunette’s. Leggy brunette’s in particular.”

“I guess it’s lucky Lucy fits that description then, isn’t it?” John teased, turning to look at him with a smile.

But Roger’s gaze had fallen to the floor. He slowly looked over the length of John. By the time Roger met his eyes, there was a hint of a smile on his face, and his eyes were definitely darker. “Yes. I guess it’s lucky… _Lucy_ does.”

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooh, I think somebody *cough* Roger *cough* is starting to make it more obvious that he likes somebody *cough* John *cough*. Haha! Bless him, Roger just can't hide it lol. Then again tbf, he has been waiting for him for like the last nine years, even if most of that time he didn't realise it himself.  
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Let me know your thoughts!
> 
> Have a good week, and take care!
> 
> Thanks you again for such lovely reviews! I'm slowly getting through them more and more lol. Hoping to update on Friday again! The next chapter gets VERY VERY VERY interesting, lets just say that lol. <3  
> In fact here are some clues for what's about to go down:  
> 🏋️🏊🏻♂️💪🏻🥵👇🏻🍆🎸💋
> 
> Make of that what you will lol! 😁❤️


	12. Come To My Way Of Thinkin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ROGER'S POV
> 
> Starts with a crucial flashback from Roger's past, giving some insight into his feelings and his mind. Then it fast-forwards with Roger realising he's ultimately making the same mistakes again. He continues to hang out with John, despite the turmoil in his mind. As the two start to get closer, Roger finds it increasingly difficult not to want more from him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating is for homophobic language and obvious smut at the start of the chapter. There are two different sex scenes, so fast forwards if you're not comfortable with it. Then there is more smut in the middle lol, and there is also the odd swear word thrown in. Other than that, I think that's it!

_Roger sighed softly, his tongue seeking Holly’s. Her arms were loose around his neck as his hand traced the curve of her breasts over her shirt, past her stomach, and under her skirt._

_She gasped and pulled away._

_Roger, not one to be discouraged, let his lips trail over the base of her throat as her hand weakly pushed at his._

_“Are you sure everyone’s gone home?”_

_Roger hummed in response, leaning back to give a charming smile. His fingers traced the edge of her knickers playfully. “We can’t be seen or heard from over here anyway. Nobody will know.”_

_That seemed to satisfy her._

_She let him tug at her knickers before his hand slipped inside. He swallowed her moans, working her into a frenzy in no time. She paid him back by sinking to her knees and taking him in her mouth._

_They shared small smiles as he pulled his trousers back up, and she wiped the edge of her lips a little daintily._

_“Thanks beautiful,” Roger said with a wink, leaning back in to give her one last kiss. He didn’t need to make false promises. The girls knew by now that he wasn’t after anything serious. Then again, neither was Holly._

_But she was still different. For all the wrong reasons._

_Roger had left town to visit his grandparents for the weekend. None of his friends had been invited. Most of them were grounded after they’d got into a fight the week before. Everybody was talking about Holly’s party when he came back, a sordid rumour circulating around the school._

_A sordid rumour about John, no less._

_“You’ll never believe this,” Steven said as he passed round a cigarette behind the back of the bike sheds. “Turns out that Deacon might not be as quite of a faggot as we all believed.”_

_Roger took a long inhale of the cigarette, flicking the ash away as he stared at Steven with furrowed brows. “What’s that supposed to mean?”_

_Steven grinned, a glint in his eyes. “I’m surprised you’ve not already heard. About him and Holly. Apparently they fucked at her place on Saturday night.”_

_John never went to any of the parties. Mostly because Roger and his friends were always there. There was no chance of that this time though._

_The cigarette burned away, limp between Roger’s fingers. Jamie took it from him with a frown._

_Roger felt a flurry of emotions stirring inside of him at the news._

_As far as he knew, John had never been near a girl. Or anyone else, for that matter._

_Roger, on the other hand…he’d been insatiable. It was like he had something to prove. To himself. To his friends. To the rest of the school. There was barely a girl in school that he hadn’t at least kissed._

_Apart from Holly. For obvious reasons._

_But it seemed like John had gotten there first._

_Roger felt a surge of jealousy._

_Holly had apparently taken something that Roger had always wanted. But denied himself._

_It wasn’t fair._

_He spent the week watching them from afar._

_John and Holly sat with their usual group of friends, seemingly oblivious to Roger’s gaze. He wasn’t in a position to go and ask either of them._

_He spent night after night awake. Imagining what it was like. Did John kiss down her body until she was withering underneath him, begging for more? Did he moan her name as she touched his cock, bringing him the kind of pleasure Roger had fantasised about on a regular basis?_

_It always ended the same way. The more he thought about him, the more he did it._

_Biting down against his fist or a cushion, his hand shoved down the front of his pyjama bottoms, usually with his phone besides him for inspiration._

_And then afterwards, the guilt would kick in. The shame. He’d lay there, sticky and humid, wishing away all of those feelings._

_The next day, he went after Holly. Chased her like he hadn’t bothered to with any of the other girls._

_Secret notes passed across the classroom. Subtle looks in the schoolyard._

_Until finally, he made his move. Snogging her outside of the science block, seconds before everyone else began to disperse from their classrooms._

_That evening, long after school had finished, she went with him behind the bike sheds._

-o-

It was like history was repeating itself. He kept making the same mistakes.

Roger’s hand folded into her dark hair, his teeth grazing her shoulder as she moaned his name. His other hand tightened against her waist.

His eyes were squeezed shut, his mind fuzzy, his body desperate to be somewhere else. _With_ somebody else.

Roger imagined his soft laugh, his gap-toothed smile, his sage green eyes, the outline of his cock in those obscenely tight jeans he’d been wearing earlier…

Roger gave a long, drawn-out moan, his teeth drawing blood from his bottom lip to stop himself from saying his name as he came instantly.

He pulled away and threw the condom in the bin. Then he lay back beside her, trying to ignore the rush of nausea.

It had started happening more often again. His imagination running away with itself. Hindered by how much time he was spending in John’s company, he was sure. But he’d already wasted too much time caring about what other people might have thought about that…

Not to mention, John was virtually like a drug. Addictive from the first taste. The more he got given, the more he wanted.

Lucy shuffled over to Roger’s side, distracting him from his thoughts. She smiled, one hand resting against her head, the other tracing his body.

“That was…pretty intense.”

Roger immediately felt guilty.

“Sorry. I think I was still a little wired from working so late.”

“Not in a bad way. I’ll happily tell John to rota you onto as many late’s as possible if it means you fucking me like that again,” she said with a giggle.

Roger forced a smile as she nestled herself closer. He swallowed thickly, noticing the small bruise around Lucy’s hip. He traced it gingerly with a finger. “I…I didn’t do that, right?”

She looked down at herself and then shrugged. “I’m not sure. I don’t think so. I wouldn’t worry too much. I’ve always bruised easily.”

But worry about it, Roger did. He didn’t deserve her. But then, he didn’t deserve John either.

He lay awake most of the night as Lucy slept on obliviously. Knowing he couldn’t keep lying to himself about what he really wanted, or rather _who_.

-o-

“Whose idea was it to go to the gym?”

John laughed at the way Roger moaned, letting his head rest atop the screen of his cross-trainer.

“ _Yours_. You said you wanted to get fitter for Lucy, remember?”

Roger lifted his head enough to stare out of the glass panelling, his expression even, his face pink. “Oh. Yeah. _Right_.”

He’d had a shift with John the night before. Roger caught him staring at a guy’s arse. The customer in question had been wearing tight jeans and a t-shirt, showing off his physique. He’d had a pretty face, for a bloke. He’d also had blonde hair. Roger had all but shooed John away on his break. Luckily, by the time he came back, the bloke had gone. Roger had then found himself inspired to get fitter. He’d been desperate enough to use Lucy as an excuse.

He gave it another five minutes. Then Roger waved the theoretical white flag. “That’s it. I’m done.”

“Fair enough. I think I’m done too.”

Roger stumbled as he climbed off. Then his eyes narrowed defensively as John got off with a smile. “What are you smirking at?”

“Nothing.”

Roger took a large gulp of water from his bottle, noticing that John didn’t seem half as breathless. It was taking everything in Roger to hide the shaking in his legs as they headed out the gym.

“Did you still want to go for that swim?”

Roger almost choked on his water.

“You want to go for a swim too? We’ve just spent an hour on that machine. Is that not enough?”

John rolled his eyes in response. “Come on, it’ll help you feel better.”

“Doubtful,” Roger scoffed. “Do you do this much exercise five times a week? Because I hate to say this, but _John_ , it’s insane.”

“Stop moaning. Swimming is actually a really good way to recover after the gym.”

Roger was about to tell him that he could think of much easier ways to recover, but then John walked on ahead, and Roger’s thoughts vanished like a puff of smoke. His gaze trailed across the hard planes of John’s back, down to the tight shorts he had on, and over his thick thighs…

“Roger?”

“Hmm?”

John smiled as he unlocked his locker, and Roger was suddenly paranoid that he could somehow read his thoughts.

“I asked if you wanted to borrow a pair of goggles. I brought a spare in case you didn’t have any.”

“Oh erm…yeah, please.”

Roger was out of his cubicle first. He used the time to stuff his clothes into his locker and strap the key holder back onto his wrist.

“You were fast.”

Roger turned, his mouth dropping open slightly at the sight of John in his swimming trunks. He gave a shy smile in response as he pushed his hair back and stepped over to his locker.

He felt a little self-conscious stood next to John. Though that paled in comparison with the hunger that suddenly rippled through him.

“Err…yeah, I erm…managed to get my trainers off without undoing the laces.”

It was the first thing Roger could think of to say. He couldn’t tear his gaze away from John’s body.

“Ready then?”

Roger cleared his throat and nodded, eventually forcing himself to look away.

They only swam for about half an hour. Roger didn’t do as many laps. Instead, he lifted his goggles to rest atop of his head and perched at the edge of the pool as he caught his breath, watching John’s strong arms glide through the water. Eventually, he swam back to Roger’s side.

John raised an eyebrow as he lifted his goggles too.

“Tell me something. Are you this lazy when it comes to everything? Because if so, I feel sorry for Lucy.”

“First off, _ouch_ ,” Roger said, barely managing not to pout. “Secondly, I might not be very proactive in swimming or running, but I can promise you this, John. I’m _very_ proactive in the bedroom.”

He pushed himself towards him on his own accord, his expression serious.

John scoffed in response, seemingly unaware about how close in proximity they were to each other. “Yeah right, I bet you make her get on top all the time.”

Roger gasped, wounded by John’s accusation. “That is _so_ not true. I do more than my fair share! In fact, Lucy has grown rather fond of _Doggy-Style_ , thanks to me. I didn’t get the nickname _sex on legs_ for nothing, you know?”

He’d never felt the need to brag about his prowess before. Actions spoke louder than words after all. But with John…it all seemed to matter that much more.

“ _Way_ too much information,” John winced. Then he snickered as an older couple looked over, a frown on their faces.

Roger laughed in response, pulling John gently towards the steps by his hand. “Come on, we’d better go. Before we end up getting kicked out.”

They went back to their lockers to grab their bits for the shower, and Roger headed over to join him. He hesitated by the edge, letting himself stare now that John’s eyes were closed.

He was slightly muscular, a thin, trail of dark hair lining his chest, and the flat of his stomach.

Roger watched droplets of water land on his skin. The temptation to move forwards and follow the trail of wet flesh with his mouth was almost too irresistible. Instead, he leaned back against the wall, closed his eyes, and took a shaky breath as his cock suddenly twitched in interest. This was the least ideal place to get an erection, stood next to John in the shower.

“Oy, sleeping beauty. You can’t _seriously_ be that worn out, already.”

Roger took a moment to calm down. Then he opened his eyes and stepped over to his side. “Nah, just thinking up all the ways I’m going to get you back for today.”

John huffed as he squirted shampoo into his hand. “This was _your_ idea! If anyone’s suffered, it’s me! Listening to you whinge _and_ giving me way too much details about your sex life.”

“To be fair, you started that one. And that teaches you for listening to my stupid ideas. Brian never lets me choose where we hang out.”

“That’s okay. I know for next time,” John teased, giving Roger a smirk.

Roger couldn’t quite fight back a smile. His stomach lurched in excitement at the thought of John wanting to hang out with him again and again.

It was torture afterwards.

Being in the changing cubicle next to John’s, and imaging him completely naked.

Roger leaned against the wall, wondering if that thin trail of hair grew more pronounced underneath his swimming trunks. He wondered what shape his cock was, the thickness of it, or how big he might be.

He bit his lip, feeling his face flush at the thought. John was always in tight trousers. There was no question about his _size_.

He wanted to know what it’d feel like to run his hands across his body, to rest between his thighs…

To wrap his hand around his cock and stroke the length of it. How would it feel to have him all warm and rapidly hardening in his hand? How would it taste against his tongue?

Roger groaned, collapsing onto the bench and rubbing at his eyes with the palms of his hands. He stared down at his stubby toes until he didn’t feel so erect.

“Err…Roger? You alright in there?”

“Yeah, yeah, fine!” Roger shouted back, his voice slightly high-pitched. He cleared his throat, paranoid John could hear how turned on he was. “I’ll be out in a sec.”

“Okay,” John said uncertainly.

It was unbearable.

Over the last couple of weeks, Roger’s thoughts had rapidly turned filthier once again.

He needed to stop it. He knew it wasn’t healthy. Not when John would never want him back like that.

Still, Roger was grinning as he read the text John had sent him on his way home.

_So I’m guessing the gym same time next week is out of the question?_

Roger hit the reply button immediately.

_Laugh all you want, Deacon. I’ll happily kick your arse at darts. Now that, I’m good at. Xx_

A warm, fuzzy feeling spread through Roger as he read his reply.

_Alright, you’re on. :)_

Roger suddenly found himself impatient to get home.

He felt a twinge of guilt at his delight at finding the flat empty. But that was quickly replaced with something far more intense as he headed straight for his room.

He couldn’t get out of his clothes fast enough. He threw his t-shirt to the floor, before almost tearing at the zipper of his jeans. He shuffled out of them and his underwear before he pulled back the covers and jumped into bed.

He felt like a teenager again, about to do something naughty just for the hell of it. He briefly realised he’d never felt half this excited at the prospect of Lucy touching his cock.

He felt almost lightheaded with arousal as he grabbed the lube from inside his drawer and rubbed some onto his hands. Then his head dropped back onto the pillow as he closed his eyes and his hand slipped between his thighs…

From there, his mind wondered.

_He headed in from the swimming pool. John was already in the shower. He had his back to him, the water glistening across the planes of his body as Roger drew himself nearer. He licked his lips at the sight of John in his black swimming trunks._

_Only this time, Roger pressed himself up against John, his tongue tasting the water against his skin. He used two fingers to dip under the waistband of his trunks, until he reached the front of them. Then his hand slipped fully inside, John’s soft sigh encouraging Roger on…_

Roger moaned, imagining the hard, warm flesh of his cock was John’s as his hand sped up.

_Roger could imagine John moaning softly, trying not to be too loud. But then Roger’s thumb would trace the tip of his cock, and John’s head would fall back against his shoulder as he moaned Roger’s name_ …

Roger grew louder, his head thrashing against the pillow as he pulled his foreskin back lightly.

_Roger could imagine the feel of John’s arse as he cupped it with his other hand. Before he’d drop it inside his trunks, teasing him with it. John gasping in surprise, his hips jerking as he began to thrust needier into Roger’s hand._

_The changing room would be filled with their breathy keens, both of them being far too caught up to care about anyone walking in on them._

_John would turn his head and moan into the shell of his ear. Roger would shudder, waves of pleasure travelling straight to his cock. Then John would whisper, all gravelly and needy._

_“Faster. Harder. Yes that’s it…just like that. I’m close, Rog. I wanna’ come in your hand. Make me come in your hand_.”

“ _Fuck_!” Roger cried out, his toes curling against the mattress and arching further into his hand as he came. “ _Fucking hell_! John!”

It was so powerful that it took Roger a while for the heavy haze of his orgasm to lift. He was breathless, sweaty and sticky. He winced as he removed his hand from around himself, quickly grabbing a tissue from the bedside table. Then he threw it into the bin and laid back against the bed.

He suddenly felt ashamed.

He’d been given a chance to make things right with John. He had a girlfriend, who he was pretty sure was falling for him. And there Roger was. Continuously wanking off at the thought of his friend, as if he’d become a horny teenager all over again.

Tears blurred his vision as he turned on his side, the bleak, beige wall staring back at him.

He felt cold. And lonely.

His body shook as he closed his eyes and sobbed, despising himself for being so weak. Despising himself for giving into that dark veil of lust that poked away at him night and day, begging to be satisfied.

-o-

Roger stared down at the polka dots on the tablecloth as his mind drifted back to his therapy session from last night.

“Earth to Roger?”

Roger hummed absentmindedly, looking up at John as he grabbed them both a beer from the fridge. “Sorry. _Sorry_. I was just…thinking about stuff.”

“I could see that. You looked miles away. Anything interesting?”

Answering John’s question honestly would open a whole can of worms. Roger watched John grab a bottle opener from the drawer, his eyes lingering over the black shirt he was wearing.

He should have declined when John had text to ask if he wanted to hang out. Dr Hale had said herself that she wasn’t sure spending so much time with him was the best option right now. But Roger was weak. He didn’t have the willpower to stay away.

John raised his eyebrows in question as he turned back. Roger realised he hadn’t yet replied.

“Err…no, not particularly. I just didn’t sleep very well, that’s all.”

John nodded as he handed Roger his beer. “Any reason?”

_Yes actually, I spent all night thinking about you._

Instead, he said—

“Just couldn’t seem to switch my mind off.”

“I know that feeling,” John said sympathetically. “Especially if I’ve been working late. I’m buzzed for ages afterwards, by which point, I’m usually too tired to sleep.”

“Exactly.”

“But you weren’t on late last night, were you?” John asked knowingly. “If something’s bothering you, you can always talk to me. You know what they say. A problem shared is a problem halved.”

Roger swallowed thickly in response. _Why did he have to be so nice_?

He ached to say yes. But what good would it do? He’d ruin everything, _again_. He should just feel glad he had John in his life at all. Instead of selfishly always wanting more.

He didn’t know what to do for the best.

Whether to break things off with Lucy. Cut back on seeing John. Go away for a bit. He spent hours and hours the night before trying to decide.

Dr Hale said he probably had two options.

End his relationship with Lucy and keep away from John for a while, so that Roger could clear his head and work out what he really wanted without any distractions swaying him.

Or worst still, face his fears head on. Risk losing John completely.

“Thanks, but…I’ll be fine. Think I need to figure this one out by myself.”

John nodded, his gaze drifting over Roger’s face. “Sure?”

Roger forced a smile, hoping he looked convincing. “Yeah, honestly. It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“Okay,” John said softly, his expression still etched in concern. “Well erm…I brought _Boggle_ back from my Mum’s, if you fancy a game? I remembered you saying that you used to play it at home all the time.”

“Yeah, I did. Did you bring it back just for me?”

“Kind-of. Freddie’s also been badgering me about wanting to play it too. So you know. Two birds, one stone.”

“Ahh, I see. Very shrewd of you.”

They headed into the living room to sit on the sofa and played a couple of games.

John got quite a few longer words, but Roger had more of them written down. He frowned down at John’s handwriting.

“ _Regality_? What does that even mean?”

“You must have heard of it. It means to have the demeanour or dignity or a king or queen, or to have a royal privilege.”

Roger rolled his eyes in response. “Good god, it’s just like playing with Brian.”

“You’re only bitter because I’ve got more points than you.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever Deacy. Stop looking so pleased with yourself.”

John stared back blankly. “ _Deacy_?”

Roger blinked, only just realising what he’d said. “Oh erm…sorry. It’s because Freddie and Brian call you that all the time. Think it’s probably rubbed off on me. It was just a slip of the tongue.”

“You don’t need to apologise. It’s just a nickname that Freddie came up with. I don’t mind you using it too.”

Roger beamed in response, watching John lift his bottle to drain the rest of his beer.

It was already comfortable between them. Even when there was a lull in conversation, it didn’t feel awkward.

Roger could imagine taking that a step further and it not being a big deal.

Do all the things Brian mentioned enjoying doing with Freddie.

Waking John up with a coffee and a kiss in the mornings. Snuggling up together to watch a movie. Cooking dinner and arguing about whose turn it was to do the dishes.

Normal, couple things.

Except Roger’s desires ran far deeper. He’d want more. He always wanted more. He yearned to be consumed by everything John had to offer.

But he would never feel the same way.

Roger cleared his throat, forcing his gaze away. He seriously needed to stop living in a fantasy.

“So erm…you said you’ve been working on some songs, right? On your bass?”

John’s smile seemed to tighten at Roger’s words. “One or two. You’re going to make me play, aren’t you?”

Roger’s stomach immediately dropped. He never wanted John to feel as if he had to do anything he didn’t want to ever again.

“No, of course not. I was just curious, that’s all. But it doesn’t matter.” Roger said quickly. He smiled when John continued to stare at him uncertainly. “Honestly John, forget I said anything. We could watch a movie instead if you wanted? There was this horror on tv last night. It was called _Attack The Block_ , have you seen it? It was a bit weird, but it was kind of funny.”

“I’m just…not very good at bass, that’s all. Or at least, I don’t think I am.”

“It’s fine. You don’t need to explain.”

John pursed his lips. Roger drummed his hands against his knees absentmindedly, giving him a minute.

“I don’t mind doing one song. Try not to judge me too much on my technique. I’ve only ever learned to play online.”

Roger sighed in response, feeling like he’d somehow backed John into a corner. “Only if you want to, John. And I’d never judge you. You said it yourself, it’s a hobby. As long as you enjoy doing it, that’s all that matters.”

John gave him a shy smile as he stood. “Just…keep thinking that. Do you want another beer?”

“Yeah, please.”

“Maybe a shot of vodka too? You might not notice how shit I am if you’re slightly tipsy.”

Roger watched John head out of the room with a fond smile. “How much do you want a bet that despite all what you’re saying, you’re bloody brilliant? I keep saying that you’re far too modest for your own good.”

He heard John groan from the kitchen. “Ugh, stop trying to flatter me.”

“It’s not flattery if it’s true. Besides, it’s one of my better skills. Yours is modesty, mine is flattery.”

“I’m seriously regretting this already,” John smiled as he headed back in and passed Roger his beer.

Unsurprisingly, John was brilliant. He refused to sing on the basis that he was tone deaf. So instead, Roger watched John’s hand glide over the neck. He was fast. He made the chord changes look so easy. There was something mesmerising about watching him play, the concentration on his features, the way his lips were pursed, and his hand strumming against the metal, as he tapped his foot to the beat.

John really was a wonder.

Beautiful, apparently skilled in almost everything that he put his hand to, smart, funny, kind. Roger found it hard to imagine how anybody could spend time in his company and not be attracted to him, at the very least.

He smiled as he watched him put the guitar aside. John’s face had turned slightly pink. Roger thought he looked incredibly adorable.

“Wow, you’re really good. That seemed like quite a technical bassline too.”

John smiled shyly as he wiped his hands across the front of his jeans. “I’ve been practising that one for a while.”

“But you made it up, right? It’s not from a song, is it?”

“No. I made it up. I often do that. Sometimes, the basslines are better than others.”

“And that’s a homemade amp, isn’t it? Brian mentioned something about you making it with your Dad when you were younger.”

“Yeah, that’s right,” John said, offering a small shrug. “It was kind of our thing. Fixing stuff up. I was always doing that as a kid. When I was allowed anyway.”

Roger made an impressed face in response. “That’s pretty cool. Do you write lyrics too? I’ve written a few.”

“Yeah, a couple. Trouble is that I can’t sing.”

Roger rolled his eyes in response. “So you say.”

“No genuinely,” John said with a laugh. “I can’t hold a note. Freddie, on the other hand. He’s got an amazing voice.”

“Well one thing’s for sure. You’re bloody brilliant on the bass. Seriously. You’ve got a real talent. You should think about taking it up more seriously.”

But John was immediately shaking his head. “No, I couldn’t. I enjoy playing, but the thought of doing it in front of a crowd is just…” John trailed off with a shudder. “I think I’d freeze.”

“That’s a shame. I get it though. Nerves can really be a limitation. I think that’s why it took me so long to pursue drumming.”

John hummed, putting his bottle back down and quickly standing up. “Oh that reminds me.”

He watched John step over his feet carefully, using a hand to steady himself against Roger’s shoulder like it was second nature. He smiled in response, as John headed back into the hallway.

“A guy came into the bar the other day with his friends. It wasn’t long after you’d gone actually. But he mentioned he was in a band.”

Roger felt his chest tighten at John’s words. He attempted to reply as evenly as possible.

“I’m starting to think you’ve got a thing for the band types. First Naveen, and now this bloke—”

“—Don’t be an arse. I wasn’t even thinking like that.” John called from somewhere in the flat, a teasing edge to his voice. “Not all of us think with our cocks twenty four-seven, you know?”

Relieved to hear that wasn’t the point of the story, Roger relaxed against the sofa again. “What can I say? My mind’s usually in the gutter.”

 _Especially around you_ , he added in his head.

“Yes. I’ve noticed.” John said dryly as he headed back into the room. He had a napkin in his hand.

“I’m a red-blooded male, Deacy. Nothing wrong with that.”

He smiled a little at John’s red face, liking his apparent ability to make him blush.

“God, you’re as bad as Freddie. He’s constantly thinking about sex too.” John said with a snort as he sat next to Roger. “Anyway, the point is that the guy said his band were looking for a drummer. The one they’ve got isn’t very good, plus he’s not too bothered about keeping up with it anymore. So I mentioned your name, and he wrote his number on a napkin. I had to think on my feet because my phone had died and I’ve still not quite managed to memorise my new number.”

Roger blinked back at him for a moment as he took the napkin. Initially, he’d been vaguely distracted by the way their knees were touching.

“Wow erm…thanks so much, John. That’s amazing. I’ll definitely drop him a text later.”

“Just don’t get too excited. I did mention that I’ve never heard you play. Said you might not even be any good.”

Roger’s eyes widened in response. “You didn’t! And you call me an arse!”

“I’m pulling your leg,” John laughed as he reached out to lightly push tap Roger’s leg. “God, you’re so easy to wind up.”

“I knew you were joking. Obviously.”

“Yeah, sure you did.”

Roger reluctantly made his excuses. He checked the time on his phone. It was ten. He’d already been there three hours. Time always went quickly in John’s company. But it was late, and Roger didn’t want to overstay his welcome.

John smiled when he said as much.

“Well I didn’t want to say anything, but now you mention it, I was desperate for you to leave.”

Roger turned back on the way to the front door. He couldn’t help but feel bitterly disappointed by John’s expression. “Really?”

John’s mouth turned up into a smile, and Roger openly stared in response.

“I was joking. Again. You really don’t get my sense of humour, do you?”

Roger immediately felt on the defensive as John elbowed him lightly.

“How can I when you say everything so seriously?”

“That’s the point. It’s called sarcasm. You might want to look it up in the dictionary.”

“God, you’re on form tonight,” Roger said with a shake of his head. He couldn’t quite keep the smile off of his face though. He loved seeing this side of John. Loved that he felt comfortable enough to tease Roger like he was. “Yeah, I’ll do that. If you agree to look up the meaning of _funny guy_. You might just see your name underneath it.”

John snickered in response. “Wow. Good comeback.”

“Yeah well… _fuck you_.”

John laughed again. “Are you always this defensive or have I only just noticed?”

“I could ask you the same thing. You suddenly grown funny bones or something?”

“Nah, I was born with this gift.”

Roger grinned in response. He’d have done anything to linger. To stay in John’s company for a while longer.

But he knew he couldn’t. He sighed in response.

“Well err…thanks for tonight. And for, you know. Mentioning my name to that guy in the band.”

“That’s alright. Just remember who got you your first big break, when you’re rich, famous and living in that big mansion of yours.”

Roger laughed as he leaned back against the wall. “Alright. I’ll buy you a fancy car. One of those _Mazda MX 5’s_.”

John snorted in response. “You’re joking. The least I expect is an _Aston Martin Valkyrie_.”

“Worth about two million, aren’t they? That’ll be nothing with all that money I’m going to have wasting away in the bank.”

“Exactly,” John agreed with another laugh.

Roger’s mouth parted slightly at the look on John’s face. The happiness shining in his green eyes. His gap-toothed smile that seemed to light up his whole face, and the slightest blush to his cheeks.

God, he really was beautiful.

Roger swallowed thickly, clearing his throat nervously at the direction his thoughts had turned. “Well erm…I guess I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”

“I guess you will. That’s if you’ve not made it big before then, of course.”

Roger chuckled in response, curling a strand of hair back behind his ear. “Of course.”

His hand shook at the blinding smile John sent his way again. Then he dropped his phone.

“Oh shit!”

They both bent to pick it up, and ended up face to face.

Suddenly being so close to John, smelling his aftershave, his mouth just a cat’s whisker away was too much of a temptation. One Roger was never going to be able to resist. No matter how much he should.

He leaned forwards, connecting his lips with John’s.

It was better than he could have imagined. His whole body seemed to singe with electricity. He cradled John’s face in between his hands and kissed him like Roger’s life depended on it.

John stumbled backwards, and Roger’s body automatically followed. Before he grasped the fact that John was inevitably not kissing him back. It made him realise what he’d done.

He’d kissed John. He’d forced himself onto him.

Roger pulled back immediately, feeling sick at the expression on John’s face.

“John…John…I’m so sorry—”

“—Get out.”

“Just let me explain—”

“—I said get out!”

Roger lifted himself up on shaking legs, unable to swallow the lump that had lodged itself in his throat as he took in the sight of John, still sprawled on the floor. His eyes were wide, his expression panicked, and his face pink.

Just when he’d started to get John to trust him again.

He’d ruined everything. Just like he always did.

He took a shaky breath, trying not to sound too croaky as he spoke. “I’m really sorry.”

Then he turned and fled as fast as his legs would allow him to.

He made it to the end of the drive before his temper got the better of him.

He gave an angry grunt, kicking the wall. Then he whimpered at the throbbing pain in his foot, holding onto the wall for support as he pushed his hair back in frustration.

He was a total fuck-up.

Tears prickled at the corners of his eyes as he realised he’d probably lost John forever. As a friend or anything else.

And he had nobody to blame but himself.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Roger! WHY DID YOU DO THAT FOR?! :( Just when things were starting to get easier between them. Oh god! :( What do you think will happen now? Or even what do you THINK should happen now? How do you think John will react now that Roger has just made a pass at him?
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Have a good weekend, and I'll be back to update again on Monday. Thank you all so much for your amazing reviews! They honestly make me so happy. :) Please let me know your thoughts on the chapter as always. <3


	13. It's Been So Long Since I Put My Arms Around You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JOHN'S POV
> 
> There's a flashback of John being confronted by his bullies. Then the chapter flashes forwards to the present time where John is dealing with the after effects of Roger kissing him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATING: Is for the short traumatic beginning scene and swearing.

_John kept his gaze on the bench in front, trying to tune out their laughter as he quickly pulled his school polo back over his head. By the time he’d tied his brogues, the room had turned quieter._

_“You coming Rog? Leave the fag to it, shall we?”_

_“Yeah, I’m coming.”_

_John dared to look up. Roger was sat in the corner of the room, finishing pulling on his shoes. He was watching him, a heavy look in his eyes._

_Disgust._

_John quickly turned away and took a deep breath, trying not to let the nausea and panic overwhelm him._

_He used the bathroom once he’d packed up his things. He was just coming out of the cubicle when he spotted them in the corner of his eyes, lingering at the side of the room. He turned back, ready to lock himself away. But it was too late._

_Steven lurched forwards, slamming the door against the wall before John could escape. He grabbed hold of the back of his neck and pushed him forwards, dragging him towards the basin. John tried to fight, tried to hold onto the toilet paper dispenser, but he wasn’t strong enough._

_“This is what you get. For telling the teacher on us like the pathetic grass you are.”_

_“No, no, please. I’m sorry! Please—”_

_“—Too late!”_

-o-

“Well I should probably go. Before I end up overstaying my welcome.”

John smiled as he followed Roger’s lead and stood up too.

“Well, I didn’t want to say anything, but now you mention it, I was desperate for you to leave.”

He pursed his lips as Roger turned to face him, his eyes slightly wide. “Really?”

He couldn’t hold back a smile any longer as he reached out to lightly push him away. Roger made it too easy. He was so gullible.

“I was joking. Again. You really don’t get my sense of sense of humour, do you?”

“How can I when you say everything so seriously?”

“That’s the point. It’s called sarcasm. You might want to look it up in the dictionary.”

Roger shook his head in response, a hint of a smile on his face. “God you’re on form tonight. But yeah, I’ll do that. If you agree to look up the meaning of _funny guy_. You might just see your name underneath it.”

John snickered. “Wow. Good comeback.”

“Yeah well… _fuck you_.”

John laughed again in response. “Are you always this defensive or have I only just noticed?”

“I could ask you the same thing. You suddenly grown funny bones or something?”

“Nah, I was born with this gift.”

Roger grinned in response. John found himself staring, noticing the way it highlighted Roger’s dimples.

“Well err…thanks for tonight. And for, you know. Mentioning my name to that guy in the band.”

“That’s alright. Just remember who got you your first big break, when you’re rich, famous and living in that big mansion of yours.”

John smiled at the sound of Roger’s laugh, as he followed him to the front door. “Alright. I’ll buy you a fancy car. One of those _Mazda MX 5_.”

John snorted in response. “You’re joking. The least I expect is an _Aston Martin Valkyrie_.”

“Worth about two million, aren’t they? That’ll be nothing with all that money I’m going to have wasting away in the bank.”

“Exactly,” John agreed with a laugh.

Roger turned back to face him. His blue eyes were slightly wide, and he seemed to be hesitating a little. “Well erm…I guess I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”

John smiled again. “I guess you will. That’s if you’ve not made it big before then, of course.”

Roger laughed, moving to press a strand of blonde hair back behind his ear. His face was slightly pink. “Of course.”

John smiled, prepared to say goodbye. Then Roger dropped his phone, cursing in the process.

John automatically moved to pick it up. So did Roger. They found themselves nose to nose. John paused, suddenly uncomfortable.

He wasn’t sure who moved first.

But suddenly there were lips on his, and a warm body pressed against him.

His mind went blank, his arms limp against his sides, as Roger cradled his face, a desperation to the way his lips moved against John’s.

It lasted barely a second. Long enough for John to stumble backwards, Roger’s body almost falling on top of his.

Then Roger pulled back, his eyes wide, and his face bright pink.

“John…John, I’m so sorry—”

“—Get out.”

“Just let me explain—”

“—I said get out!”

Roger lifted himself back up, his eyes glassy as he looked John up and down. “I’m really sorry.”

Then he practically ran from the flat.

John remained frozen for another moment, taking an unsteady breath as he struggled to comprehend what just happened. He slowly lifted himself back up on shaking hands, catching sight of himself in the hallway mirror. Taking in his pink lips, flushed cheeks and messy hair.

He’d been too shocked to react.

It had taken years but John had finally come to terms with everything Roger had taken part in.

Things had been good. They were virtually friends.

Then Roger had gone and kissed him.

And there’d been a small part of John that had wanted to kiss him back.

-o-

“I was thinking. You know you said your friend isn’t very keen on the idea of having a real bouquet for his wedding?”

John hummed as he sprayed down the bar.

“Well, my auntie makes these really cool fake flowers. You can have them ordered in whatever colours you want real cheap, cheaper than buying a real bouquet anyway. They look really nice too. You wouldn’t believe they weren’t real.”

John paused as Lucy leaned across, holding out her phone for him to look at the website, a row of different coloured bouquets on the screen.

“Oh yeah, they look really pretty actually. I’ll tell Freddie when I get home later,” John said with a smile. He felt a pang of guilt as she smiled back in response. “Erm…thanks Lucy.”

“Thanks Lucy for what?”

Brian appeared at John’s left shoulder, curiosity in his gaze.

“I was just telling John about my Auntie Maisy. She makes bouquets of fake flowers. I know you mentioned that your fiancé isn’t keen on having real ones for the wedding, so I thought it could be an option. Cheaper too.”

Brian made an impressed face. “Yeah, that could work.”

She beamed again as she grabbed a couple of menus from underneath the bar and headed off to serve her customers.

John’s gaze trailed over Brian, watching him head round the bar. “What are you doing here? Roger’s supposed to be working today.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. But he’s sick. So I said I’d cover his shift.”

John frowned in response.

“He seemed fine yesterday.”

“I think it only came on this morning,” Brian said, fiddling with the handle of his satchel. His cheeks were slightly pink as he looked back at John. “Is that okay? I said I could do with the extra money anyway. For the wedding.”

“No, it’s fine. Just wasn’t expecting you, that’s all.”

Brian smiled, but it came out looking a little rigid. “At least there’ll be no complaints about the cocktails. Roger still hasn’t quite grasped the _Cosmopolitan_ or the _Mint Julep_.”

John said nothing, going back to wiping down the bar.

-o-

John stared at Freddie impatiently as he flicked through his phone. “ _Ooh, Singapore Sling_ sounds nice! Do you know how to make that darling?”

“Of course I do, Fred.”

He grabbed a long cocktail glass from underneath the bar and began to prepare it.

“So. Any sign of the tosser this week?”

John sighed in response.

“No. _Roger_ didn’t turn up for three of his shifts. You already know this.”

“Right. Because he was _ill_ , yes?” Freddie asked, making quotation marks with his fingers.

“According to Brian.”

“I’m just hoping that he doesn’t turn up to the market on Sunday. I’ll happily get Adam to give him the sack.”

John gave him a look in response. “Freddie, come on—”

“—Surely I’m allowed to feel a little angry? You got him this job out of the kindness of your heart and less than a month later, he’s already abusing your trust.”

John quickly looked away, busying himself with finishing Freddie’s drink. He’d neglected to tell him how he was convinced Roger was avoiding him. Or _why_.

“Give him the benefit of the doubt. He might genuinely be sick.”

“Convenient, considering I caught him walking past that therapy place on Shaftsbury Avenue the other day.”

John stopped shaking the cocktail, a frown on his face. “Therapy place?”

“Yeah. You know the one. The psychotherapist centre.”

“That’s nowhere near university. What was he doing walking past there?”

“I don’t know, but the point is, that if he’s well enough to be wondering about London, then he’s well enough to come to work.”

John said nothing, pouring Freddie’s drink into a glass and garnishing it with a slice of lemon and a cherry.

Freddie beamed in response. “Oh darling, it looks wonderful!”

John smiled, handing the glass to Freddie. “That’ll be five pounds please.”

Freddie looked up at John with wide eyes. “ _I have to pay_? But I’m your best friend.”

“I don’t care, Fred. I can’t keep giving you freebies.”

“Ugh, fine,” Freddie said, rolling his eyes as he handed John the note.

“Just be grateful I gave you staff discount,” John grumbled lightly as he keyed it onto the till.

Once he finished, he looked back up, intending to ask Freddie if he liked his drink. Instead, he caught sight of Lucy heading in. She had her black top and jeans on, ready for work. But her eyes were puffy and red, and her mascara had smudged a little.

“Lucy? Hey, are you alright?”

Freddie looked round and frowned as she stood besides him, and raised her hand to wipe a few stray tears away.

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?”

She bit her lip in response. “I erm…I guess I’ve just been dumped.”

A crushing, tight knot formed inside of John’s chest at her words. He watched her wipe away more tears as Freddie wrapped an arm around her waist and hushed her softly.

“Oh darling, I’m so sorry! What happened? I thought Roger liked you?”

“So did I,” she sniffed, desperately wiping at her cheeks again. “I haven’t seen him all week. He’s been ignoring my messages. So I thought I’d go and see if he needed anything. As Brian already mentioned he’d been ill. And there, he was. Sat, laughing at some stupid programme in the living room, looking right as rain.”

“That’s awful,” Freddie said with a sympathetic pat. He turned his head to look at John, and mouthed the words: _I told you_.

John said nothing, watching Lucy take a shaky breath.

“He came out with some bullshit excuse about us wanting different things. He even said that stupid line. I hate when people use that.”

Freddie huffed in response. “Ugh, not _it’s not you, it’s—_ ”

“— _Me_ , yeah, exactly.”

Freddie rolled his eyes. “How _cliché_ can you get? Can’t he think of a more original excuse, or is his brain only situated around his useless cock?”

Lucy just sniffed again in response.

“I can cover your shift if you’re not up to working, Lucy,” John said softly.

Lucy nodded, wiping at her cheeks again. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, of course.”

She gave a small, forced smile in response. “Maybe I’ll just…go home, eat too much _Ben and Jerry’s_ , watch _Bridget Jones,_ and listen to my break-up playlist on Spotify.”

John hummed as sympathetically as he could. “Yeah, I don’t blame—”

“—Oh darling, you can’t be alone when you’re this upset.” Freddie said quickly. “No, that’s no good at all. It will only make you feel worst, _and_ you’ll be even more tempted to give in and text him, or torture yourself further by looking at photos of you together. Trust me, I know. I’ve been there.”

“Do you think?” She sniffed.

“Definitely. I reckon you should go to the bathroom and wash your face, and then once you’re ready, come back, and be your beautiful, charming self. Then we’ll drown our sorrows, or at the very least, drink until neither of us can walk straight. Whatever comes first—”

John frowned in response. “Do you really think—”

“—We’ll have you forgetting about that waste of space Roger Taylor in no time.”

John closed his eyes for a moment and pinched the bridge of his nose. _He had a bad feeling about this…_

“Right. I’ll get the drinks in whilst you go and powder your nose. Sound like a plan?”

Lucy nodded in response. “Yeah, okay. Thanks Freddie.”

John watched her walk away. Then he turned back to Freddie.

“Look. Fred. It’s nice that you want to cheer Lucy up, but are you sure this is a good idea? You and her getting drunk together? I get she needs to take her mind off of Roger, but surely she’ll only feel worst in the morning, when she wakes up with a raging hangover?”

“Deacy sweetie, trust me. Recovery 101 in dealing with any bad break-up is to drink so much that you forget about him or her for a while. Also, I’m thinking that if I can make that happen, I can convince her to delete the wankers number, so that she can’t be tempted to contact him in the morning.”

John groaned in response. “Oh _god_. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

“Oh relax Deacy, you worry too much,” Freddie said with a wave of his hand. He grabbed his wallet out of the back pocket of his jeans. “We’ll have two shots of tequila to start us off please.”

John quickly busied himself when Lucy came back. He scrubbed all the empty tables at least twice whilst it was quiet. He tried to ignore the heavy wave of remorse plaguing him. Tried to tell himself he hadn’t done anything wrong. He hadn’t kissed Roger back.

Except he’d wanted to a little bit…

He cursed under his breath as he caught the edge of his finger with the knife he was using to cut more lemons and limes. He grabbed a plaster from the first aid box under the sink, wondering internally over and over again about _what the hell he was doing, thinking like that_.

Freddie and Lucy spent all night chatting and drinking. Their laughter grew louder with every round. Until eventually—

Freddie howled as Lucy suddenly slipped off of the bar stool.

John shook his head and reluctantly headed over. Lucy was just getting up again, laughing loudly as Freddie held out a hand and pulled her back up.

“I think I’m slightly drunk,” she said, her words slurring together.

“Hmm, you don’t say.”

“Oh, don’t be a spoil sport, John. I’ve just been dumped!”

“Yeah, don’t be a—what, she said,” Freddie huffed as he helped her back into her chair.

“Look, Freddie. I seriously think you should take her home. She can barely stand!”

“Fine, fine, Grandma,” Freddie said as he poked his tongue out whilst he stumbled up from his chair. “Come on sweetie, let’s get you home.”

“ _Ooh Freddie_ , you know you could have just asked if you wanted me to take you home, right?”

Freddie snorted as he lifted her arm to rest around his shoulders, and wrapped an arm around her waist to support her.

“Completely barking up the wrong tree, sweetheart. I’m gay, remember?”

“Oh yeah!” She said, giggling into his shoulder. “That’s too bad. I bet you’d be a considerate lover. And a romantic.”

Freddie grinned at John from over his shoulder. “Did you hear that? I’m going to tell Brian. Make sure he knows to count himself lucky.”

“Ooh, I like that song. _I’m out all night to get lucky_!”

Freddie laughed in response as she started singing at the top of her lungs. John frowned, watching them both walk towards the direction of the front door a little unsteadily.

“Just go careful, please. Both of you. And text me when you get home, Fred.”

“Yeah, yeah, will do.”

John watched them leave uncertainly, then headed away to serve his next customers.

-o-

“ _Hmm,_ something smells good darling.”

John gave Freddie a quick smile from over his shoulder before he collected the tray from out of the oven. “It’s chorizo and mozzarella gnocchi bake. Got the recipe off of a girl at university on Friday. I know you don’t usually eat all day when you’ve got a hangover. Thought you might be hungry.”

“I don’t actually feel too bad now. I had a banging headache when I woke up though,” Freddie groaned as he grabbed a can of _Diet Coke_ from the fridge.

“Well that’s what you get when you drink almost every spirit going, in the space of three hours,” John teased as he began to dish it up onto two plates. Freddie hummed in agreement. “How was the erm…the market anyway?”

“Alright. We were fairly busy again.”

John’s chest tightened at his words. He licked his lips, keeping his back to Freddie.

“ _We_? So Roger made it in today, did he?”

“Yeah, he was there. As much as I loathe to admit it, he was rather useful. Sold loads of those floral printed clothes that we just got in.”

John forced a smile, despite Freddie not being able to see it. “Great.”

“I still think he’s been skiving from the bar. He looked in perfectly good health if you ask me.”

John hesitated as he grabbed them both a knife and fork.

“Did her erm…mention anything about Lucy?”

“No. Not one thing. He must know that we know about him breaking up with her.”

John shrugged in response, keeping his expression as neutral as possible as he headed over to set the two plates down. “Maybe he just thought it was nobody else’s business.”

“Well if you ask me, she’s had a lucky escape. He doesn’t even seem that bothered.”

John said nothing as he sat down opposite Freddie.

-o-

John heaved a small sigh as he walked into the bar. He’d been at university all day, and now he had an eight hour shift to get through. He said hello to Lucy as he headed behind the bar. He put his bag in one of the lockers in the back room, before leaving to go and help. He frowned as he picked up the rota.

“Why has Roger been crossed off? Has he called in sick again?”

“No, he’s not working here anymore.”

“Since when? He’s not been fired, has he?”

Lucy huffed, leaning against the back of the bar to talk to John. “Nope. Apparently, he’s handed his resignation in.”

“What? Since when?”

“Since this afternoon, apparently. He came in about half an hour before I got here and had a word with the manager. No notice. Nothing.”

The rota for this week had been shared on WhatsApp yesterday. Which meant that Roger would have known he’d be working with Lucy and him tonight.

A bubble of anger welled up inside of John.

“That fucking coward.”

Lucy blinked at John in response. “What?”

“Nothing,” he seethed, banging the clipboard back on to the ledge of the bar.

 _If that was how he wanted to play it, so be it_.

“We don’t need him anyway. I can’t imagine it getting very busy in here for a Monday evening.”

Lucy murmured an agreement, her gaze following John as he poured himself a glass of water from the tap under the bar.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Omg, I am totally overwhelmed by your amazing comments on the last chapter. Thank you so much! Haven't gotten around to replying to them all as always, but I promise I will. I hope you enjoyed the latest chapter. Let me know what you thought of it! I'm currently throwing myself into my fanfiction and trying to take my mind off of (inevitably) being single again. So, there's that. I can imagine myself turning into Freddie when I get older, and only having like a million cats as company. Which is fine with me. Anyway, enough wallowing. Hope you all have a better week than the one I'm having so far! Take care. <3


	14. And I Don't' Know If It's Real Or It's A Dream...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ROGER'S POV
> 
> Roger has a dream about the coach trip to Bournemouth in John and Roger's last year at school. Then it fasts forward to the present time, where Roger is feeling (slightly) sorry for himself after quitting his job at the bar so that he doesn't have to face John or Lucy, before his therapist gives him some good advice...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Homophobic language at the beginning as usual, and swearing throughout.

_Three whole hours stuck at the back of a clammy coach. Three whole hours spent watching Holly batting her eyelashes, twiddling her hair, and biting her bottom lip. If she was any more obvious, she might as well have plonked herself in John’s lap and have done with it._

_Roger tried to ignore it. But every so often, his gaze would drift back towards them._

_To think he’d probably have the unbridled joy of it all on the way back too._

_He watched Holly reach across for the third time in about five minutes, brushing her hand against his arm, and laughing loudly at something he said. John at least, looked semi-confused by her over the top behaviour._

_“Oy, Deacon, Chambers, get a fucking room!”_

_Roger turned back to stare out of the window, watching the dull English countryside flicker by. He tried to tune out Steven’s obnoxious laughter._

_“Go fuck yourself, Steven!”_

_“Hmm, I’d rather fuck you baby,” Steven teased, giving her an over the top wink._

_She winced in response. “Not if you were the last man alive.”_

_John laughed quietly from besides her. Steven’s eyes narrowed in response._

_“I don’t know what you’re laughing at, Deacon. You wouldn’t have the first idea on how to fuck a woman. Lewis probably has more of a chance at getting laid than what you do—”_

_“—You’re not funny!” Holly turned round in her seat to shout back, her face blotchy with anger._

_John shook his head slowly at her. “Just ignore him. He’s not worth it.”_

_Mrs Davies got up from her seat to look back at them expectantly. “If I have to come down there and sort this little agreement out, you’ll all have detention for the next week, understood? Now settle down.”_

_The rest of the journey was spent in relative silence. From the corner of Roger’s eyes, he saw Lewis lean down to kiss Charlotte. Then his gaze lifted over the top of her head…straight towards John. The two of them shared a small smile before Lewis looked away again._

_Roger frowned in response as he stared between them more fully._

_Lewis had a girlfriend. But maybe in some part of Steven’s fucked-up logic, he had a point. Or maybe Roger was looking too deeply into it…_

_“Oy Taylor, keeping very quiet there, aren’t you? You wishing you were sat with lover-boy instead?”_

_Roger struggled not to wince at the way the others snickered. Steven had started making those sorts of digs more often. It didn’t seem to matter how many girls he slept with. Steven saw straight through him, right to the darkest desires of Roger’s heart._

_Nevertheless, he pretended to wrinkle his nose in disgust._

_“More like with Holly. She’s looking pretty fit, isn’t she?”_

_Steven smirked, apparently satisfied with his answer. “Just a shame her mouth is as big as her tits.”_

_Roger pretended to laugh along with the rest of them. Ignoring the sickening feeling in his stomach. Then he quickly turned away as John and Holly stared back at them._

_Steven inevitably ended up getting revenge on John laughing. Just as he always did._

_He cornered him in the hallway of their hotel. Jamie and Liam was on lookout. Michael and Christopher were holding back Holly. And Roger was watching, hesitating as usual._

_Then Steven turned to him unexpectedly._

_“Here’s your chance, Rog. To get your own back on the faggot, without getting caught by a teacher,” Steven said with a smirk. “You’ve got no excuse this time.”_

_Roger swallowed thickly, trying not to let the panic show on his face._

_“But this is ridiculous—”_

_“—Is it?” Jamie asked with a huff. He dragged him forwards by his shirt, forcing him over to Steven’s side. “What are you waiting for, Rog? Punch the loser in the face like he deserves!”_

_Roger hesitated, his hands lightly fisted against the front of John’s shirt. **He didn’t want to do this.**_

_John’s green eyes stared back at him in disgust. It made Roger want to throw up._

“ _Go ahead. Do what you need to do. You’ll always be a coward. And I’ll always hate you for it_.”

Roger jolted awake, bathed in sweat. He pushed the duvet away, willing the cold air to circulate around his body.

He could still remember that day as if it happened yesterday. They’d been caught less than a moment later, and Steven had laughed it off like it was no big deal.

_A joke between friends miss, honestly._

John, terrified of further torment from Steven, had said nothing against them again.

Roger wasn’t sure what he’d have done if a teacher hadn’t found them. There was only so many excuses he could make.

Steven had started to look at Roger differently. Like he didn’t belong. Like he _knew_. Roger had felt as if his days were numbered.

He’d known that if he wasn’t careful, it would have been his head flushed down the toilet. _Faggot_ scrawled across his locker. Cigarette burns along his skin.

John’s fear only strengthened his resolve. Or at least, that’s how it seemed at the time. With Roger, it made him weaker.

He sighed at the direction of his thoughts.

Now he’d lost John all over again. Except it was probably for good this time. With no possibility of any sort of friendship.

It was at times like these, Roger could honestly say that he hated himself.

-o-

“I’m starting to worry that if you eat much more of those, you’ll start looking like a pringle.”

“Hello to you too, Brian,” Roger said around a mouthful of BBQ pringles. “How was university?”

“Yeah, good. Interesting. We’ve been studying the effects of climate change. And the Northern Lights. I’ve always wanted to see them.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

Brian sat on the arm of the sofa.

Roger ignored him in favour of diving back in for another handful of pringles. Eventually he forced his eyes away from the television.

“Can I help you?”

“Have you even bothered to get dressed today?”

“I didn’t have any classes,” Roger said slightly defensively. He pulled his dressing gown around himself tighter, feeling judged under Brian’s scrutinizing gaze.

“This can’t go on. You must know that.”

Roger sighed in response.

“Don’t give me another lecture, Brian. I just didn’t feel like getting dressed today. What’s the big deal? It’s only one day.”

“Except that’s been your excuse for the past week. You only bother if you’re going out. The rest of the time you lounge about in your underwear or your dressing gown. I wouldn’t mind but I’m sure you wore the same pair of boxers three days in a row. And I’m the one who has to see you in a state of undress. I’m starting to have nightmares!”

“Then fuck off to your room if you don’t like it!”

Brian frowned in response. “I’m only teasing. Although…when was the last time you had a shower? Because no offence mate, but you kind of—”

Roger groaned, suddenly standing up.

“I don’t fucking need this! If I wanted to be nagged twenty-four seven, I’d have stayed living with my Mum!”

Brian sighed, following Roger into the hallway.

“I’m just trying to help. You even quit working at the bar so that you didn’t have to face Lucy or John. What’s it going to be next? You hiding out in your bedroom, every time Freddie comes round—”

“—Look, I told you. I just need some time to get over John. I’ll have my period of grief, and then I’ll be good as new. Back to being a loveable, messy rogue.”

“And you really think that’s going to work, do you? Bearing in mind the fact that you’ve been in love with him since you were eleven years old—”

“—I’m not in love with him, Brian!” Roger shouted, throwing himself onto his bed and staring at the cracks in the ceiling. “At least…I don’t think that I am. Maybe I used to be. I just…I don’t know how I feel anymore. At worst, it’s a really inconvenient crush that I’ve carried around for the best part of nine years.”

“I say,” Brian huffed as he leaned against his doorframe and watched him. “And at best?”

“At best…it’s lust. I mean, he’s pretty, isn’t he? He’s always been pretty.”

“Err…I can’t say I’ve given it much thought mate.”

Roger rolled his eyes in response. “Then you must be blind. It’s like…he’s weirdly dedicated to the gym too. And he looks good for it. Maybe it’s just…sexual chemistry. They say that, don’t they? That you can be physically attracted to lots of people, and it doesn’t have to be a big deal. Maybe it’s nothing more than a passing fancy.”

Brian hummed as he stepped into his room. “A passing fancy you’ve just admitted to having had for the last nine years. Shove over.”

Roger shuffled further across the bed, enough for Brian to sit up beside him. Roger stared at their legs.

“Has anyone told you that you’ve got freakishly long legs?”

“All the time. Freddie even told me yesterday.”

Roger gave a small smile in response.

“You’re not…freaking out again, are you? About what it’ll mean if you do like John in that way?”

Roger immediately closed his eyes. “Brian—”

“—I’m just asking. Out of concern. Because we both know what will happen if you start listening to that voice again. The one which tells you it all matters, and you’re somehow less of a man if you’re gay or bisexual or whatever. Look at me. I’m the same person, aren’t I? I’m still your mate. Regardless of my sexuality.”

Roger opened his eyes and stared at him fondly. “Of course you are.”

“Well then.”

“Look, none of that even matters anyway. Because John doesn’t feel that way about me, so—”

“—But you don’t know that. It’s not like you’ve ever asked him—”

“—I don’t need to! I told you. His face was enough of a giveaway when I kissed him. He looked horrified.”

“Maybe it was more the shock of who he was kissing. Not that he didn’t enjoy it.”

Roger shook his head, tracing a freckle on the inside of his arm. “No. I’m telling you, Brian. He wasn’t into it.”

“I’m sorry.”

Roger shrugged in response. “Don’t be. I’ll…I’ll get over it. Somehow. Maybe this is what I needed. A kick up the arse to finally move on, and stop yearning for him. Plus it’s probably karma. For breaking Lucy’s heart like I did.”

“You did her a favour. It would have been crueller to string her along.”

“I don’t know about that. I felt like quite the arsehole coming up with all of those shit clichés about why we shouldn’t be together anymore.”

“You did that because you were trying to do the right thing by keeping John out of it. Given that they’ve still got to work together. And look, she’ll get over it. So just try not to…dwell on it too much.”

Roger forced a nod in response.

“I’ve been thinking too.”

Roger hummed, still keeping his gaze on his arm.

“I think you should go back to therapy.”

“Brian—”

“—No, just hear me out for a minute,” Brian rushed to say. “I think it’ll do you good. Opening up about everything again, now that you’re back in such close proximity with John. Maybe it’ll finally help you move on more fully too. Especially now you know where you stand with him.”

“Brian—”

“—I’ll even pay for some sessions. So you don’t have to worry about that—”

“—Brian, shut up for a minute, will you? I’ve already started seeing the therapist again.”

Brian opened his mouth…and then quickly closed it when he realised what Roger had just said. “Oh. _Oh_. Since when?”

“Since me and John started talking. Or more specifically, I rang up and got myself an appointment the day after John and me met up in _The Alchemist_ to talk about everything.”

Brian’s eyes widened in response. “But that was like—”

“—Three months ago. But seeing John brought up all those old feelings again. I wanted to make sure I had everything in control, but I didn’t want it to be a big deal. Neither did I want to put you in a difficult position, given that you’re with Freddie. That’s why I didn’t tell you.”

“And…has it been helping?”

“I think so,” Roger nodded. “It’s definitely put things into perspective. About what I want in life, and about how I feel about certain things.”

“Like?”

“Like myself. My sexuality. My family.” Roger paused, pursing his lips, his fingernails digging into the skin of his arms. “ _John_.”

“So you think you probably are then? Gay?”

“More like bisexual,” Roger said quietly. “Because I still fancy women. I wasn’t going through the motions with Lucy. I was genuinely attracted to her. I just think that my attraction to John was… _stronger_. Which is why I ended things. It wouldn’t have been fair to keep seeing her, and carry on imagining him in my head, would it?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Anyway, I told Dr. Hale about me breaking up with Lucy. She thought it was probably the right call. She also suggested that it might be time to explore my options a little bit too.”

“Explore your options?” Brian repeated with furrowed eyebrows.

“By dating a man. See how I feel about it.”

“Okay. And you’re…up for that, are you?”

“I’m willing to give it a go. If she thinks it’ll help. She said that perhaps I should be focusing more on accepting my sexuality, rather than keep letting myself fixate on John.” Roger said. “Why, you got someone in mind?”

“It wasn’t two seconds ago that you were moping over John.”

Roger folded his arms across his chest and narrowed his eyes. “I’m not moping. I’ve just been…feeling sorry for myself, that’s all.”

“Exactly. Moping.”

“Oh piss off, Brian. Why did I think it was a good idea to ask for your advice anyway?”

“Technically, you didn’t. I just kind of forced it on you anyway.”

“Oh yeah. Well, you know where the door is. Get out!”

Brian didn’t move. Instead, he smiled back until Roger’s glare eventually faded.

“So you want a rebound, is that what you’re saying?”

Roger sighed in response. “It’s not a rebound if me and John weren’t even together in the first place. I need to accept that that’s never going to happen. I can only do that by moving on. Or by trying to. And if that means exploring my sexuality at the same time just as my therapist suggested then…surely that can only be a good thing?”

“Yeah okay, true.”

“So do you know anyone? Who might want to go on a date?”

“Woah, steady on. You might want to think about getting a shower first—”

Roger rolled his eyes in response. “I’m not telling you to set me up right this second. I’m just asking. If you can think of someone who might be interested.”

“Actually, I can.”

-o-

Roger inhaled sharply as he gazed back at Doctor Hale uncertainly. “You erm…really think I’m ready for that?”

She nodded, her thin lips turning upwards into a smile. “Yeah, I do.”

“Okay,” Roger said with a certain amount of doubt. “But…what if it backfires? Or John ends up hating me even more. What then?”

“You worry that’ll happen?”

“Obviously. Or at the very least, he thinks I’m an even bigger coward than he already inevitably does.”

She hummed softly in response. “Or maybe it’ll have the opposite effect, and it’ll allow him more of an understanding behind your actions.”

Roger continued fiddling with his hands, dropping his gaze as she talked. “I suppose so.”

“Is there also a part of you that’s concerned about the idea of John reading your every personal thought and judging you based on that?”

“I don’t think he’ll judge me exactly. Just…I don’t want him thinking I’m looking for sympathy, you know? Like whatever I’ve been through, he always had it worst, and I’m partly to blame for that.”

“Do you really believe that still?”

Roger looked back up from underneath his eyelashes and nodded. “Yes, because it’s true.”

“Does the fact that you were dealing with things way before John even arrived in school not make you at least consider the prospect that everything that happened from that point on was born from the consequences of the abuse you and your Mum subsequently faced—”

“—I don’t see the point of keep going over that,” Roger interrupted quickly, pinching the palm of his hand with his fingers. “I’ve told you that already. I should have had the balls to stand up to my friends. Helped John like I always wanted to. Regardless of whatever bullshit excuses I may or may not have had at the time, it’s not good enough.”

She continued to watch him carefully, remaining quiet for a long moment.

“Okay, we’ll come back to that one. I guess. How do you feel about taking that first step in acknowledging your sexuality? Are you worried about what everyone might think, or just John?”

“Just John, mostly,” Roger admitted with a shrug. “Brian accepts me for who I am. My sister…she knows. I told her not long ago, and if anything, she seemed proud that I was being so honest about it. She didn’t even seem that surprised. As for everyone else…well, they can think what they like. I couldn’t care less. My personal life is nobody else’s business.”

“Do you actually mean that though? Or is that just a front?”

Roger took a moment to think. He pursed his lips, before nodding confidently. It had taken him long enough. But finally, it was the truth.

“No, I mean it. I’ve spent so much time trying to bury that side of me, and now, it’s like…I don’t know, I feel as if I can’t be arsed putting on a pretence anymore. This is me, and if you don’t like it, then…well, fuck off. Basically.”

Doctor Hale nodded slowly in response. Immediately making Roger feel the need to continue explaining.

“I’m serious. If I was with a man, I wouldn’t be too frightened to hold his hand in public. I wouldn’t worry myself over whether someone might or might not like it.”

She nodded, looking pleased with his response. “That’s good. That’s very good. A definite step in the right direction.”

“Right direction?” Roger repeated with a frown.

“Yes. I still think you’ve got a long way to go. But you being honest with not just yourself, but those closest to you, will definitely help with that.”

Roger nodded, fiddling with his hands as she spoke.

“Why do you look so upset by that, Roger?”

“I’m not upset exactly. Just…I thought perhaps maybe I was ready. To stop coming here. To finally move on from my past.”

“You don’t think you can achieve that whilst coming here?”

“How can I?” Roger asked with a heavy sigh. “When I have to keep reliving it all. Every week, I’ll go home and dwell on it, until it ends up driving me mad. Then I’ll go to bed, desperate to sleep, and spend all night thinking about everything I did.”

“And that’s exactly why you need to keep attending these sessions. You relieving the past like that, is your body’s way of telling you that you’re not ready to move on,” Dr Hale told him seriously. “Are you still having nightmares?”

Roger avoided her gaze as he forced the next words out. “Occasionally.”

“Tell me about them.”

Roger sighed again, and forced himself to relay everything he’d been dreaming about lately.

-o-

“How was the session?”

Roger nodded, moving to sit beside Brian on the sofa. “Fine.”

“Did you tell her about your nightmares?” Brian asked, watching Roger rest his feet on the edge of the table, and turn his attention back to the television. _Gavin and Stacey_ was on.

Roger murmured in response. “She just said to keep recording them in my journal. So that we can keep exploring them in our sessions.”

“Right. Which you obviously don’t want to do.”

“Not particularly.”

Brian smiled sympathetically. “Did you tell her about your date too?”

“Yeah, I did. She was pleased. Said maybe now was the time to start telling those closest to me. About being…bisexual.”

“Oh right,” Brian said, his tone slightly surprised. “That’s good then.”

“I guess.”

“How did that make you feel? Her saying that?”

Roger groaned in response. “God, don’t you start. I’ve just spent an hour talking about my feelings to her. Isn’t that enough? Anyway, enough about that. I wanted to ask you a favour.”

Brian stared at him sceptically. “What kind of favour are we talking about?”

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's Roger's take on things! Hope the chapter was worth waiting for. Sorry I didn't update on Friday. I've been dealing with stuff this week, and not been in the mood to update. So basically me and the girl I was seeing are no more. For reasons. So I just needed to get this chapter out there, as I love writing Dealor and seeing all your lovely feedback honestly makes me so happy. So thank you so much for all your wonderful comments so far and please keep them coming! Hope you all have a lovely week, and I'll try and update again on Friday.  
> Stay safe everyone.  
> <3


	15. But Don't Pussy-foot About It - Shout It!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's POV
> 
> John dreams about Lewis. Later, he's given surprising news about Roger, and is given something of his to try and help John understand the motives behind Roger's actions...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATING: Is for homophobic language, internalised homophobia, bullying, and swearing. Plus, there is mention of abuse for anyone who might feel triggered.

_“So come on. Now try telling me that you didn’t enjoy that just as I predicted that you would.”_

_Lewis rolled his eyes as they headed out the auditorium. “Okay fine, so Catching Fire was pretty good. There, I said it. Happy?”_

_John grinned in response, stepping aside to throw his popcorn box in the bin. “Extremely.”_

_Lewis gave a small chuckle as John headed back over to his side. His expression softened as John linked arms with him._

_“I still say we should have seen American Hustle though.”_

_Now it was John’s turn to roll his eyes._

_“Only because you wanted to drool over Amy Adams for two whole hours.”_

_Lewis shrugged in response. “She’s fit.”_

_“Yeah well, so is Jenifer Lawrence. Granted, she’s in both. But she looks good with a bow and arrow. And I like the way she stands up for what she believes in. She’s a powerful woman, you know.”_

_“Oh, so is that your type? Powerful women who look good with a bow and arrow.”_

_John snorted in response. “I’m thirteen. I’m not even sure I have a type yet.”_

_“Yeah, right. I see the way you’ve been looking at Holly on the sly.”_

_John immediately wrinkled his nose. “Eww. I like Holly, but not like that.”_

_Lewis grinned again. “Good.”_

_John felt a flutter low in his stomach at the look Lewis was giving him. He wondered what it might feel like to kiss Lewis like he’d watched Katniss with Peeta and Gale not less than an hour before…_

_“Oh look, it’s the two faggots!”_

_John broke away from Lewis when he recognised Steven’s voice, followed by a chorus of snide laughter as the group headed over to them._

_“Let me guess, did you two go and see a romance? How sweet!” Steven said mockingly. “Did you sit in the back row too? Share each other’s popcorn, sip each other’s coke? God, you two make me sick—”_

_“—You know what to do if you don’t like it, Steven,” Lewis said defensively, immediately stepping in front of John. “Leave us the hell alone. We’re not doing anything wrong by hanging out.”_

_“Aww look at that Steve-o, true love,” Jamie cut in with a wicked laugh. “I think it’s adorable that you’ve got somebody to protect you, Deacon. Maybe one day you’ll finally grow some balls of your own.”_

_Steven scoffed in response as he shoved past them. “He won’t be there to hold your hand all the time, faggot. Just remember that.”_

_Steven’s threat made John shiver in response. Because he knew he meant it. He already knew what Steven and the rest were capable of._

_Roger followed them from the back of the group, his hands shoved into the pockets of his hoodie, and his gaze on the floor._

_John virtually strode for the door, suddenly in a hurry to leave._

_By the time he was outside, there were tears in his eyes, and there didn’t seem to be enough air in his lungs._

_Lewis placed a hand on his back, softly guiding him towards the steps._

_“Hey…hey, it’s okay. Sit down and take deep breaths, okay? I’ll count backwards and you exhale and inhale on each number, alright? Ten…nine…eight…seven…that’s it, just like that, John…six…five…four…a few more breaths…three…two…one.”_

_The whole time, Lewis’s hand softly stroked his back._

_John focused on the feel of it through his jacket, and getting his breathing under control again. He listened to Lewis’s soft voice and concentrated on how much it soothed him._

_“That’s it. You’re safe John, I promise.”_

_They stayed sat together for a while, until Lewis gently tugged on his arm. He took John’s hand and held it as he lead him home._

_The whole way back, all John could think about was how right it felt. It only made him more confused as to why Steven and the rest were so against it…_

John gasped in surprise as he sat up in bed.

He hadn’t dreamed about Lewis in so long. Lately, he’d found himself thinking of him more too.

He wondered if it was because of Roger. Perhaps his presence was causing John’s old feelings to resurface.

He was tempted to look at the photo album buried under the bed again. Instead, he sat up and reached for his glass of water.

John no longer wanted to keep torturing himself over the past. Not anymore. But that was proving impossible when he kept having nightmares about school, or reminiscing over Lewis…

_Lewis’s hand in his hair, his leg nestled between John’s. His breath was warm against John’s lips as he whispered those three words. **I love you** …_

John swallowed thickly and pushed his hair back from his face. He’d started replaying that particular night more recently too.

People said you never forgot your first. That had certainly proven correct for John. Lewis had remained, for the most part, irreplaceable.

John sighed and slumped back against his bed. He tried to focus on the here and the now. Focus on the knowledge that he was safe, tucked up in bed in his own flat, with Freddie only next door.

Eventually, he managed to switch his mind off enough to get back to sleep.

He still felt a little tired in the morning.

The shower managed to wake him a little. He padded back to his room to dry his hair. Then he headed for the kitchen.

Freddie was already sat at the table. Brian was hovering by the kettle, stirring three cups.

“Ahh, morning Deacy. Perfect timing,” Brian said, giving him a smile over his shoulder. “I brought round breakfast.”

John blinked heavily as he sat down and took in the plate of almond croissants. “So I see. Thanks.”

“Coffee and croissants. We are privileged.”

“A small price to pay to keep my darling fiancé happy,” Brian said chirpily as he set down all three cups and sat beside Freddie.

John rubbed the sleep from his eyes and smiled as Freddie rolled his eyes when Brian leaned in to kiss him on the cheek.

“ _Hmm_ , a likely story. What’s the real reason?”

Brian clicked his tongue in response. “When did you get so cynical, babe?”

“When I began to learn exactly when my _darling fiancé_ is up to something. Or moreover, whenever he’s trying to less than subtly butter me up.”

John reached for a croissant, noticing they were still slightly warm.

“What a horrible accusation! I haven’t seen you much this week. Can’t it be just because I wanted to treat you?”

John looked up as he began to butter his croissant, watching Freddie raise his eyebrows disbelievingly at Brian…who sighed in response, his shoulders slumping a little.

“Fine. So there might have been a slight ulterior motive.”

“I am surprised,” Freddie said sarcastically as he reached over to grab a croissant. “Come on then, what is it? I hope it’s not to rearrange our engagement party because invitations have already been sent out and your Mum’s kindly offered to put some money behind the bar for everyone.”

“She did tell me that on the phone last night actually,” Brian said with a smile. “But no, it’s not. Although that does remind me. Mum also asked me to invite you to dinner next Sunday. She’s been badgering me about it for months, and I keep forgetting.”

“Oh, that sounds lovely! Tell her I’d love to.”

Brian grinned in response. “Perfect. She’ll be thrilled. She said she really enjoyed talking to you about those crochet patterns you both like doing.”

“ _Crochet patterns_?” John repeated with a smile.

“Don’t mock me, Deacy. I told you, doing them calms me. Anyway going back to the matter at hand. What’s this ulterior motive of yours, Brian?”

“Well,” Brian said as he began to butter his own croissant. “It’s no biggie. But err…Roger has asked me to talk to you both—”

“—Oh, what does he want now?”

“Nothing actually.”

Freddie scoffed as he picked up his cup. “I find that very difficult to believe.”

“That’ll be because you’re so cynical, Fred. As we’ve already mentioned,” Brian teased before he took a bite of his croissant.

John kept his eyes on his plate as he finished swallowing. He tried to ignore the pang of worry at hearing Roger’s name.

“So look, obviously you both know that he broke up with Lucy and quit his job at the bar.”

“We do. And then you stopped me from interrogating him to find out as to why that was—”

“—Yes because as I said before it’s personal, and it was up to Roger to want to talk about it,” Brian said carefully. “Which he now does.”

“Well, I imagine I can already guess the _why_. Because he really is a cold-hearted prick, after all. Which I could have told you myself, darling.”

“If you must know, it’s partly because he’s still dealing with problems of his own. He’s been seeing a therapist on and off for the last four years to deal with all of that.”

John looked up at Brian from underneath his eyelashes, certain he’d heard that wrong.

Freddie frowned in response. “Therapy? For what?”

“A few things. One of the more obvious reasons was because of John. He kind of…lost it a bit when he left school.”

John noticed the way Brian seemed to be avoiding their eyes when he said that. Thankfully, Freddie took the words right out of his mouth.

“What do you mean, _lost it a bit_?”

“It’s…a long story. A complicated one. But when he moved to London with me, I persuaded him to get help. That’s why he started to see the psychotherapist. To better understand why he was like he was.”

“Why he’s such a psychopathic bully, you mean?”

Brian sighed in response as he sipped his coffee. “There are reasons behind why he went along with everything his friends did.”

“Such as?”

“For starters, he was scared about any of the others finding out that he’s gay. Bisexual actually, like me. It’s something he’s been in denial about for a very, very long time. But again, there are reasons for that too.”

John looked away, his cup of coffee forgotten about in his hands.

He supposed it explained a lot. When John _really_ thought about it.

Roger had never been an active participant of the tormenting itself. He’d lurked in the background.

John had always told himself it was because he was a coward and didn’t want to get into trouble. He’d never considered that all of that had been a front. A façade to cover up for Roger being gay too.

But now it seemed almost obvious.

Because if Steven and the rest had bullied John like that…he could only imagine what sort of treatment Roger would have received.

Even when they’d found each other again, Roger’s desperation had baffled John. To a degree. But now…all the little things suddenly made sense.

_Roger defending him in front of Steven in the pub…_

_The little looks he’d catch Roger giving him in the corner of his eyes whenever they hung out…_

_The casual flirtations that John had brushed off as banter..._

_Roger suddenly kissing him in the middle of the hallway…_

“He’s _gay_? That’s why he was horrible to John?”

John jumped at Freddie’s voice, immediately yanking him back into the present…

“For the most part, yes. He was scared that if he didn’t join in then there was a chance that they’d have found out about him, and it would have been him on the receiving end of the abuse.”

Freddie huffed in response. “Oh boo-hoo. That doesn’t make up for the five years he spent bullying John!”

“I’m not saying it does, I’m just trying to explain the situation on his behalf!”

“Why isn’t he here doing that? Why is he involving you like this yet again?”

“Because he was worried about what you’d both think,” Brian said, catching John’s eye across the table. “Actually, he was more concerned about what John might think.”

“So did you know he was gay this whole time?” Freddie asked with furrowed brows.

“In a way, yes. I guessed as much by the way he talked about John in his letters to me through the years. But after he got help, he always claimed that it was just a phase he was going through,” Brian said carefully. “Not that I believed him. But I got the impression that he wanted to try and put all of that behind him. I didn’t think being in denial was good for him, but I also didn’t want to force him to admit what I already knew, so I reluctantly dropped it.”

Freddie frowned deeper in response. “Hang on. He wrote to you about John? Saying what?”

John watched Brian dip his head as he put his half-eaten croissant back down on his plate. His face was slightly pink. “It’s not my place to say.”

“Oh come on—”

“—But, it’s not! The things we spoke about in these letters are private, and I don’t feel comfortable breaking his trust like that by telling you—”

“— _His_ trust?” Freddie repeated loudly. “What about my trust, Brian?”

Brian’s expression instantly tightened, his eyes wide as he stared at Freddie pleadingly. “Don’t be like that, Freddie. Come on babe. I’d feel the same way if John had written to me telling me personal details—”

“—Okay, so,” John started, clearing his throat loudly so that they both looked at him. His head hurt from all of their shouting. “Why has Roger asked you to tell us all of this now?”

“Because he’s finally ready to accept who he is. His therapist thinks he might be ready to start dating the same sex.”

Something twisted inside of John at Brian’s words. He ignored it in favour of ducking his head, and staring down at his half-eaten croissant.

“So…his therapist recommended him to start telling people, just so that he could get his leg over. Is that what you’re saying?”

“Don’t be so crude, it’s not like that.”

“Then what is it like?”

“It’s…complicated. But it is, Freddie!” Brian quickly added at Freddie’s groan. “And it’s not for me to tell you every last detail about how this has come about.”

John pursed his lips as he remembered how he’d stumbled back in shock at Roger kissing him, his body half on top of John’s…

“So he says. But actions speak louder than words.”

“How can they if people won’t give him a chance?” Brian asked quietly. “Although, I’ll admit that you do make a good point. Which is why he wanted me to give you something, John.”

John looked up, watching Brian stand, his chair scraping against the floor as he headed back through the hallway. He frowned, wondering what it was that Roger wanted Brian to give him exactly.

John didn’t have to wonder for long.

Brian was back less than a second later, striding into the kitchen, with a notebook in his hand. He placed it down in front of John. It was leather-bound. It had an image of a tree engraved into the front.

“It’s Roger’s. It’s got all his notes from his therapy sessions over the years. There’s also a few letters in the back. From him to me. Just some of the ones I’ve kept hold of.”

“So this journal, how do we know it’s not just full of a carefully concocted story to make us feel sorry for him?”

“Because I’ve read it all myself,” Brian responded to Freddie quietly as he moved to sit back down again. “The point is he really wanted you to read it, John. So that you can at least understand why he did the things he did.”

John looked up to find them both staring at him.

“It’s up to you darling.”

John cleared his throat and forced a small nod. “I’ll erm…I’ll read it after I get home later. That way, he can have it back in time for his next therapy session.”

Brian gave a small nod. “Thanks John, he’ll appreciate that.”

-o-

Reading through Roger’s journal was fascinating to say the least.

Some of the pages were filled with strange doodles, or random patterns. Others had blotchy scrawls, scribbled out sentences and paragraphs, and incoherent thought patterns.

The first time that John tried to read it, he almost had a panic attack.

He virtually threw it back down and placed his head in his hands. Then he counted down from ten, and focused on recapturing his breath. He went away to cook his and Freddie’s dinner. Then he came back to it later.

His gaze slowly trailed over the next page…

_Dr Hale has asked me to write down everything I’m feeling. What’s the point? It’s not going to change anything. I’ll still be the same fucking loser that I always was. John will still have left school because of me. I’ve got no chance of passing my exams, got no idea what I want to do with my miserable life. I’m a waste of space. My Dad knew it. My Mum knew it. And now everyone at school probably knows it. At least I don’t have to see any of them anymore. I’ve had enough of everything! Had enough of Brian feeling like he has to make excuses for me. I’m sick of feeling like shit for things that are out of my control. ~~I’m sick of being like this!~~_

John sighed, his fingers carefully tracing the splodges of ink, before he turned the page.

Some entries talked of his sexuality, about the possibility of Roger being bisexual. Others contradicted itself by calling it a phase. He talked of nightmares that he had about the past.

Gradually, Roger’s words seemed to become less angry. Some extracts felt so disconnected that it seemed to John as if he’d lost the energy to care. About himself, his life, about everything. Almost as if he had no fight left in him.

John wasn’t sure what was worst.

He came across random lines of poetry and lyrics.

_This town honey is a dead town_

_Living in this town honey is a let down_

_Coming to this town honey is a showdown_

_But there’s a heartbeat pulse_

_That keeps on pumping some sunshine ray_

_Through a crack in the shutter_

_Or a sight of a light at the end of the tunnel_

_Still there’s a feeling this world is using me_

There were even some that took John’s breath away. He turned a couple of pages to find another one, scrawled messily.

_It’s the sad eyed goodbyes_

_Yesterday’s moments I remember_

_It’s the bleak street, weak knees partings I recall_

There were the occasional drawings. Of flowers, the sun, the moon, a sunlit meadow, and then—

John inhaled sharply, his gaze flickering over the page.

He’d drawn John.

It was just of his face, his short hair, his wide nose, and his thin lips pulled upwards into a smile, with his gap-tooth on display.

It was beautiful, and kind of mesmerising. It was drawn with such precision and care that John couldn’t help but admire it. He ran his hand across the page softly.

The next page was an entry about his parents.

_Dr Hale wanted me to talk about my parents today. I told her that I thought I was going to end up turning out like him. Even my Mum thought that, I swear. ~~A good for nothing, homophobic drunk.~~ _

_She wants me to write down everything he did. To me. To Clare. To Mum._

_But I don’t want to. I hate talking about him!_

John stopped reading, quickly flicking to the next page. He couldn’t read anymore.

There were a long list of reasons he was like why he was.

_Because I’m scared._

_Because I want to be normal._

_Because I don’t want to disappoint anyone. Particularly my Mum and my sister._

_Because maybe I’m more like my Dad than I care to admit. A waste of space._

_Because I don’t think I’ll be accepted._

_Because I don’t think anybody will like me if I choose to be more honest about who I really am._

_Because I’m not sure I can handle it if I am bisexual or gay, or whatever._

_Because I’m not strong enough to deal with being bullied. So I became the bully instead._

_Because I knew that if Steven found out about my tendencies, he’d have hurt me in the same way he hurt John._

_Because I’m so fucking terrified. Of being outed all the time. And everyone hating me._

_Because I’m miserable. I feel like there’s no way out. I just want to disappear. Be somebody else. ~~Or die.~~_

John sucked in a breath in response. He read the last sentence twice, and took a moment to comprehend that. To recognise the guilt that Roger had clearly spent so long struggling to live with.

He swallowed thickly in response and quickly moved onto the next extract. He was a bundle of mixed emotions and he wasn’t sure what to do with them. There were excerpts into his feelings for John.

_I miss him. More than I thought I ever would…_

_I have nightmares about everything I did to him…_

_I would give anything to make it right…_

His journal was incredibly detailed. Pages of pages of insight into Roger’s life, mind, and heart. There were even more recent entries.

_Dr Hale made me talk about all the fantasies I’ve been having about John lately. About kissing him ~~and fucking him,~~ and doing other stuff with him. Like it isn’t embarrasing enough, when I hang out with him as much as I do…_

John took a shaky breath, quickly moving forwards again. Some of them felt too personal. Like John shouldn’t have been reading them. Even when he had permission.

_Dr Hale thinks I need to start being more open about how I really feel…_

_We spoke about me kissing John the other day and the reasons why I did that and…_

_I told Dr Hale that I’m thinking of breaking things off with Lucy…_

Then he came across some of the letters.

Roger reaching out for advice from Brian, after John had been burned by a cigarette at the back of the school field.

Roger telling Brian that he didn’t want to be the same person anymore. That he was sick of pretending to be like the others.

Roger talked about his fear of anyone finding out that he liked John in that way.

It took John almost two hours to finish reading.

He felt drained, emotionally and physically. He wasn’t too sure on what to think or how he was supposed to feel.

All he knew was that he felt tired.

Eventually, his eyelids grew heavier. John fell into a dreamless sleep, still clutching the journal to him.

-o-

Brian was watching him far too closely for his liking when John handed him back the journal in the morning.

“Well? How did you find it?”

John waited until he had his cup of coffee in his hands before he replied. “Erm…yeah it was…okay, I guess. It at least helped me understand a bit more, I think.”

“Did you read the letters too?”

John murmured in response as he lowered himself into a chair and stifled a yawn. He’d awoken several times in the night, his thoughts spinning round in his head until he’d felt virtually dizzy.

Freddie moved to give him a hug from behind. “I’m proud of you.”

John’s eyebrows furrowed in response. “Why? I didn’t do anything.”

“You did. You read his journal like he asked you to. You didn’t have to do that, darling.”

“No, you didn’t,” Brian agreed quietly from where he stood. “Roger will really appreciate that John, honestly.”

John nodded in response. He watched Freddie and Brian sit opposite as he carefully tried to phrase his next question.

“I’ve been thinking…wondering really. Whether it would be good for us to meet, face to face. So that Roger has the chance to explain his side properly, if he wants to, that is. I just know that—”

“—I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Not right now.” Brian said quickly with a tense smile. “It’s amazing that you’d be willing to give Roger that opportunity. I just think that maybe the two of you having some space from each other might not be the worst idea. Only for a bit. Let the dust settle a while first.”

Freddie hummed in agreement, watching John over the top of his cup. “He’s right, sweetie.”

“He’s got a date next week.”

John’s gaze flickered over Brian curiously as he said that.

“It might do him some good to…explore his options a bit. Get himself out there, you know? At the very least, it might finally help him to accept his sexuality, which can only be a good thing.”

John nodded slowly in response.

“Would you…tell him that I understand? I think. About everything. And that…” John hesitated, staring down at his cup as he thought about what he wanted to say. “I…I erm…I forgive him.”

When he finally looked back up, Brian gave him a small smile. “Of course I will, John.”

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhhh! :( Poor John! So good that he's willing to try and give Roger a chance though. What do you think will happen next or what do you think should happen/what would you like to happen?  
> Definitely think they're taking a step in the right direction. Just wait until you read the next chapter! I know I keep saying this lol, but it's VERY interesting. Like by the end of the next chapter, I think you'll all be like OMG. In a really good way haha.
> 
> Anyway on that note, I'm off haha. Hope you all have a lovely weekend, and I'll be back on Monday for another update! Stay safe everyone. And thank you all for your lovely reviews. Keep them coming please as they honestly make me so happy to read them, and they keep me motivated with this story/in life in general. So thank you so much for that. :) <3


	16. Just Can't Live Without It!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ROGER'S POV
> 
> Roger has a dream about John...
> 
> He takes his therapist's advice and goes on a date, which ends far better than he could have predicted...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATING: Is for swearing, homophobic language, and smut.

_“Did you girls see John this morning?”_

_“Why? Did something happen?”_

_“No. Other than the fact that he’s suddenly got peng overnight.”_

_“No way, shut up!”_

_“I’m telling you, it’s true! I saw him walking into school this morning with that Holly.”_

_“She’s always fancied him, I swear.”_

_“I know, that’s what I thought too. Lucky bitch. Never used to think there was much to John. But I swear to god. Either he’s brought tighter trousers, or he’s suddenly filled out, if you get what I’m saying?”_

_The girls giggled loudly in response._

_Roger turned his head towards the back of the classroom. Directly to where the three girls were huddled over their desks. He felt a heavy, tightening sensation at the way they were talking so excitedly._

_It was new. None of the girls had ever bothered to pay attention to John before._

_Roger didn’t like it._

_“Alright girls. That’s enough chatting please!” Mrs Smith called from behind her desk._

_The girls sighed heavily but turned to stare at the front of the class. Roger forced himself to do the same._

_Maths._

_Roger had always hated Maths._

_He didn’t see John until PE, straight after lunch. He almost dropped the football when he headed outside._

_John was stood on the other side of the schoolyard, talking to Holly._

_He’d grown at least three inches taller._

_He was wearing tiny shorts, showcasing his long, lean legs. His vest was fitted to his lean muscles which he seemed to have practically developed overnight._

_But it wasn’t just that._

_John walked with a new confidence._

_His smile appeared brighter, a knowing look in his eyes, as Holly laughed at something he said, whilst twirling a strand of hair around her fingers._

_John had always been attractive. There was no doubting that. But this year, he was…virtually hypnotising. Roger couldn’t seem to take his eyes off of him…_

_His throat was dry, his face suddenly pink as that familiar warmth pooled in his gut, and desire poked away at him, itching to be sated…_

_“He looks even gayer than last year,” Christopher said from besides him, forcing Roger out of his reverie. He blinked, clearing his throat quietly and forcing a shaky laugh. Ignoring the look that Christopher was giving him from the corner of his eyes._

_He couldn’t get John out of his mind for the rest of the day._

_He stayed mostly quiet over dinner. As soon as everyone was finished, and the tidying up was done, he excused himself. Said he needed to do homework. Then felt guilty at the way his Mum smiled in response._

_“I’m glad to see you’re taking your homework seriously, Roger.”_

_“Yeah, of course Mum,” he said without looking her in the eyes. “Anyway night, night Clare.”_

_“Night loser!” His sister called from in the kitchen._

_“Night sweetheart,” his Mum said softly, before calling him back. Roger struggled not to show his impatience as he waited for her to grab something from the table in the hallway. “I forgot to say earlier. A letter came from your friend, Brian.”_

_“Oh. Thanks Mum.”_

_Roger grabbed the letter and jogged upstairs, heading straight for his room. He set it aside, intending to read it before school in the morning. He knew it’d probably just be Brian writing to say thank you for their hospitality again. Brian, his mum, and his sister had stayed at their house a few weeks back. They visited almost every August. Brian and Roger also kept in contact by writing to each other, despite both of them having a phone. They sent the odd text back and forth, but mostly communicated via their letters. Roger had never been very good talking about his feelings out-loud. That was his excuse, at least._

_He got undressed, telling himself the whole time that he wasn’t going to do it._

_Then he flicked through his phone. Caught a picture of John on one of their mutual friends Facebook. It was a picture of him on a field, over summer. He was looking away from the camera, a smile on his face. He was wearing a pair of tight shorts and a vest, similar to what he had on for PE earlier._

_Roger immediately spat into his other hand and slipped it into the front of his pyjama bottoms. Nervous energy began to build inside himself at the thought of what he was about to do._

_He pursed his lips, his eyes on the picture, as he tried to imagine what it might feel like to touch John. To undress him and kiss down his body. To stroke the length of him just how Roger was touching himself now…_

_Roger moaned in response, his hand speeding up around himself._

_He could imagine his soft lips on his, the heat of John’s tongue in his mouth._

_“Fuck,” Roger groaned, biting his bottom lip so hard he almost drew blood._

_John begging Roger to fuck him as he got on all fours. Roger pounding into him, making John scream his name…_

_Roger dropped the phone to the bed and shoved his fist in his mouth. He bit down hard enough to pierce the skin to stop himself from moaning John’s name as he came._

_He was out of breath by the time he withdrew his hand. He winced in response, feeling sort of sticky as he grabbed for a tissue._

_It didn’t take long for the shame to set in._

_And yet, Roger would start to come home virtually every week, and let his desires consume him. Let his darkest fantasies pull him under until he was screaming John’s name into his pillow, or biting his tongue until he drew blood to stop himself being loud._

_Roger hated himself a little more every time. It got harder to see John every time._

_The day after, Steven cornered John outside of school._

_He too had noticed all the attention John had been getting. And just like Roger, he didn’t like it. But for altogether different reasons, Roger was sure._

_So to make himself feel more of a man, he wanted to beat him up. Again. Remind him of his place. Again._

_He did that using violence. Just like he always did when he wanted to get his point across. Steven pushed him back against the wall. John said nothing, clearly realising it was pointless by now._

_The others cheered him on as Steven told John he was going to break his pretty face. He tried so hard not to flinch as Steven held up his fist._

_Before Roger could register what he was doing, he stepped forwards. Finally. He felt sick. Desperately trying to pluck up the courage to prepare himself to say something._

_But Lewis got their first._

_“That’s enough!”_

_He wrenched Steven’s hand from off of John’s blazer and shoved him away with all the strength in him. Then he stood in the middle, a fierce look in his eyes._

_“Fucking leave him alone! I’m sick of you making his life hell for no fucking reason! If you want to get to John, you’ll have to go through me from now on.”_

_Steven laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world._

_But Roger._

_Roger was filled with an all-consuming anger. At himself. At Steven and the rest. And at Lewis._

_What he wished for more than anything in the world was the ability to be more like Lewis. He desperately wanted to be braver and not give a shit about what anyone thought of him. To have the balls to stand up for what he really believed in._

_Instead, he was a coward. Hiding in his friends shadows._

_The very thought of anyone finding out about Roger’s attraction to John made him want to throw up. Either that, or die…_

Roger gasped for air as he jolted awake from his dream, sweat clinging to his skin.

Even now, there was still a part of himself that was terrified about people knowing. Despite all his claims not to give a fuck anymore.

John was right. He really was a coward.

-o-

Roger drummed his hands against his knees as he watched Doctor Hale finish reading the latest entry in his journal. Then she handed it back to him with a smile.

“So John said he forgives you. That’s wonderful news. You must have been pleased when your friend told you as much?”

Roger hummed vaguely in response. More than anything, he’d been surprised. Then he’d stayed up most of the night, thinking about how much he _didn’t_ deserve it.

John was amazing. He was bright, beautiful, kind, funny, sassy even. He was the cleverest guy in school. Talented beyond belief. And yet despite all the torment he’d been forced to live through, he’d still somehow managed to forgive Roger.

Roger was beyond enamoured. He could see that now. Didn’t understand the point of denying it any longer. He’d never met anyone as amazing. Or fascinating. John was like an enigma, and Roger was always wondering what was going on in that head of his. He also struggled to believe that anyone could meet John and not immediately be drawn to him.

To Roger, John was everything that was good in the world.

He changed just by being around him. He became a better person. For the most part, anyway.

Roger had risked everything that day by making a move on John. He’d been too impatient. Just like he was with everything. The very thought of not having him in his life, even just as a friend, made Roger wish he could take it all back. More than anything.

Doctor Hale continued to watch Roger carefully, almost as if she could somehow read his thoughts.

“I can tell that you’re still worried about what John might think about you now that he’s read your journal. Despite you receiving his forgiveness. I was curious to know why that was.”

Roger sighed heavily in response.

“Because it’s still a lot to process, isn’t it? I feel as if I’m dumping a load of my shit onto his shoulders, which I know isn’t fair.”

She nodded evenly. “And you think he’d see it like that?”

He shrugged in response. “I don’t know. But I wouldn’t blame him if he did.”

“Has he been in contact since he read your journal?”

Roger’s gaze dropped to his lap as he fiddled with a loose thread on his t-shirt. “No. Brian told him that it might be good for us to have some time apart, just like you said I should.”

“That’s good.”

Roger’s huffed in response, no longer able to keep the irritation from his voice.

“Is it? Surely it’s a good thing that he wants to meet? He said it himself that he wants to give me a chance to explain my side of the story. You said it yourself, it’s a good thing that John’s managed to forgive me. Maybe this could be a fresh start for us both—”

“—Look Roger,” Doctor Hale interrupted with a quiet sigh, as if this was the fiftieth time she’d had to say whatever she was about to. In all fairness, it probably was. “As I’ve explained before—you’ve latched all of those buried desires onto John. Which in turn, have slowly grown into an obsession, and not particularly a healthy kind. Since you’ve been in contact with him again, your thoughts have once again grown more erratic, which given your history, might not be the best thing for you right now.”

Roger liked Doctor Hale because she told him the truth, whether he liked it or not. But in moments like these, he sometimes wished she’d just say what he wanted to hear. Especially when it meant more time staying apart from the one thing he wanted most in this world.

“My advice is to take the time and think about what it is that you really want. Go on these dates, start trying to look towards the future, rather than keep focusing on the past. That way, you’ll hopefully be able to understand whether these feelings that you have for John are real, or just a compulsion.”

“A compulsion?”

“Yes, a compulsion to fix things, born out of guilt for all the hurt you feel as if you’ve caused him.”

Roger swallowed thickly in response, immediately understanding her words. “Surely I’d be able to tell the difference?”

“Not necessarily.”

“So you’re saying what exactly? All of these fantasies that I’ve had over the years might literally only stem from a need to put things right? That doesn’t even make sense!”

“Doesn’t it?” Dr Hale asked with a raised eyebrow as he looked up at her expectantly. She cleared her throat, continuing to watch him carefully. “Tell me Roger, in all of those fantasies that you’ve mentioned having about John, is he ever touching you? Or is it always one-sided.”

Roger squirmed automatically, picking at the calluses on his fingers and ignoring her gaze. “I mean…I’ve fantasised about… _you know_ …fucking him before, so surely that counts as seeking my own pleasure? But no, I guess it’s mostly about…touching him, making him feel good.”

“Okay.”

“But that doesn’t necessarily mean anything!” Roger rushed to insist. “I’ve always been like that. Every relationship I’ve had, I’ve always taken more pleasure in making the other person feel good. And I know what you’re going to say. That maybe that stems from me believing that I don’t deserve to feel pleasure or whatever, but I don’t believe that. Because surely taking pride in making other people feel good still has a degree of selfishness to it, does it not?”

Doctor Hale nodded, the briefest smile on her face. “Maybe.”

Roger sighed at Dr Hale’s casual response, knowing he would be unlikely to get a more definitive answer from her right now.

“Anyway, as you say, I have my date with Callum next week, so maybe I can work out for myself if all of that is true.”

“That’s good. How do you feel about having a date with a man? Are you excited? Scared? Nervous?”

He inhaled slowly in response, giving himself time to think of his response.

“I guess…all of the above. My main concern is that, it’ll be…I don’t know. A bit weird, maybe? But hopefully, it’ll feel natural. I guess I’m not going to know until it happens.”

“No, no you’re not,” Doctor Hale said with a small smile. “But you taking that first step in accepting your sexuality, accepting who you are, is definitely progress, Roger. You should be very pleased. You’ve come a long way since you first started coming here four years ago.”

Roger nodded, allowing himself a small smile in response. Because it meant he was on his way to slowly getting his freedom back. To finally getting his _life_ back.

-o-

Roger finished doing the buttons up on his shirt in his wardrobe mirror. Brian headed out of his bedroom and watched from the doorway.

“Looking good. Is that what you’re wearing for the date?”

“I think so. What do you reckon?”

“Yeah, yeah, nice. I really like the boots.”

Roger smiled in response. “Thanks.”

He’d chosen a denim shirt, dark, slim velvet trousers, and Chelsea boots. He wanted to look casual, but still like he’d made a certain amount of effort.

“Sorted then. Do you fancy a beer before I go?”

Brian smiled. “Yeah, alright.”

They sat in the kitchen for a while, whilst Brian filled Roger in on how the wedding planning was going. Then talk finally returned to Roger’s date.

“So how are you feeling? Are you nervous?”

Roger hummed uncertainly as he finished his beer. “I was this morning. Now I feel…alright, actually.”

Brian smiled at him from across the table. “That’s good. Are you getting any butterflies yet? I had them before my first date with Freddie. At one point, I thought I was going to pass out.”

Roger stood to put his bottle in the bin.

Brian had shown him a picture of Callum the day before. He had virtually black hair, with brown highlights. It was wavy and almost as long as Roger’s own hair. He had dark, almond shaped eyes, high cheekbones and a strong jaw. He looked almost Mediterranean, with his slightly tanned skin.

Roger could admit that he’d thought he was attractive, at least. There’d been no excited flutters and his heart hadn’t skipped a beat at the prospect of going on a date with him. But he’d still spent most of the morning rummaging through his wardrobe, trying to decide what to wear.

Roger chose to take that as a good sign.

“Not yet. If anything, I feel calm,” Roger admitted uncertainly as he leaned against the kitchen worktop and peered back at Brian. “Do you think that’s weird?”

“No, not everyone gets butterflies before a first date. Mum actually said Dad was pretty calm when they went on theirs. Maybe it just means you’re looking forward to it instead.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Roger murmured doubtfully.

“Anyway, I think you’ll like Callum. He’s a nice guy. He’s into the same films, cars, that sort of thing. so hopefully you’ll have enough shared interests to talk about.”

“Cool, okay,” Roger said casually. “And just saying, if we don’t get along then…I’m holding you personally responsible.”

He grinned across at Brian so that he knew he was joking.

Brian just rolled his eyes in response as he stood to put his bottle in the bin too. “Sure why not? I’m usually in trouble for something. Mostly with Freddie.”

“Hmm, I’ve noticed.”

Brian hesitated, remaining stood as he looked back at Roger.

“Erm…before you go. I just wanted to have a chat. To remind you really. About how proud I am. Of you. For going back to the therapist and for being brave enough to accept who you really are. That takes courage. Not to mention that…well, you know. You’ve always been a great friend to me, and…I really appreciate that.”

Roger stared back in surprise. Brian didn’t easily wear his heart on his sleeve. Except when it really mattered. He was always there when he knew Roger needed him. It meant a lot to him.

“Thanks Bri. Same goes for you, obviously. I know I wind you up, and at times, I can be a bloody useless flatmate—”

“—You said it mate,” Brian cut-in with a smile.

“But I wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for you. I was ready to end it all that day I moved down here. And then…well, you made me realise that maybe there was a future, after all.” Roger said, preparing to stand up too. “Anyway, my point is…thanks. I don’t say it enough, but you’re a bloody amazing friend. You’ve always been there when I needed you. And let’s face it, I’d have probably gotten food poisoning by now if it wasn’t for you.”

Brian laughed in response. “Yeah…yeah, most likely.”

“Right,” Roger said, preparing to move forwards. He stepped closer to Brian, pulling him into a quick hug. He offered an uncertain smile when he pulled back. “Right well, I’d better go. Before one of us starts getting emotional. Red, puffy eyes isn’t quite the look I was going for.”

“Good point,” Brian chuckled quietly.

Roger headed for the doorway. Then he hesitated. Wanting to say something that he’d never said out-loud before.

“Oh and erm…I just wanted to say. Before I go. Obviously you know that I technically haven’t got a brother. Not by blood anyway. There’s just me and Clare. But I think that meeting you was like…finally getting that brother I wanted. And that’s...that’s how I’ll always see you, I guess. My brother.” Roger looked back over his shoulder at Brian, seeing the way his eyes suddenly seemed slightly glassy. “Anyway, I just…I wanted you to know that. So you can understand how important you are to me. All jokes aside.”

Then Roger headed out, feeling like he’d said what he needed to.

Callum was even better looking in real life. He was dressed nice too. In skinny jeans, and a dark shirt.

He was also chatty. Which was fine by Roger.

They met at the tube station, and headed straight into town.

“This place used to do pretty nice cocktails,” Callum said casually as they walked past _The Alchemist_.

Roger’s smile slipped a little as he reluctantly joined his side by the entrance, staring at the menu.

“Yeah, they’re not bad.”

“Shall we go in?”

“I don’t think we should. I used to work here. Just for a bit. But I only resigned a couple of weeks ago and I’ve not been back since.”

“That shouldn’t matter though. I can’t imagine they’d hold that against you, would they?

“Erm…”

It was a bad idea. But Roger couldn’t exactly tell Callum why that was. He didn’t want to discuss any of his past until they knew each other better.

Stronger than that though—was the desire to see John again.

Doctor Hale had advised that they stay away from each other for a bit. But…if Roger happened to bump into him, then…it wasn’t his fault, right?

“Okay, fair point.”

Roger agreed far too easily as he headed inside.

It was pretty busy. Your typical Friday night hustle. Luckily, there was a few empty tables by the side of the room.

All sorts of people were out.

Mates catching up over a few drinks. Couples enjoying date night. Girls downing shots, ready for a heavy night in town.

Roger’s gaze went straight to the bar.

His heart began to beat faster, and he got a nervous flutter inside his stomach when he saw John.

“I’ll get the drinks in—”

“—No, that’s alright, I will.” Roger said quickly. He gave Callum what he hoped was a reassuring smile. “Wy don’t you grab us a table? What do you fancy?”

“Other than you?” Callum said with a smirk.

Roger chuckled quietly in response. It felt nice. Callum flirting with him. He was good looking, and so far, he’d been good company. Roger wanted to at least enjoy that and see where the night took them.

Roger’s gaze drifted back towards the bar. “Other than me.”

“I’ll have a _Cosmopolitan_ , please.”

“Okay, cool. I’ll be right back.”

Roger walked slowly over to the bar. He used the time to fiddle with his hair, and tried to wipe his clammy hands against the front of his trousers discreetly.

He watched John flit back and forth behind the bar, trying to serve each customer as quickly as he could. He somehow looked better than Roger remembered, despite only seeing him a few weeks ago.

Roger’s mouth went dry as he noticed the way he’d pulled his hair back from his face. A couple of curled strands had escaped, and Roger’s hands twitched by his sides, wishing that he could reach forwards and tuck them back behind his ears. Instead, he fiddled with his phone, his gaze never leaving John.

He looked up, searching for the next customer. His eyes widened slightly when he saw Roger.

Roger offered an uncertain smile, suddenly feeling like he was going to be sick. John gradually turned away and served the group of lads who had gotten to the bar just before Roger had.

By the time that John moved over to serve Roger, it had grown a little quieter.

John’s face was slightly pink. Roger licked his lips nervously, as John stood in front of him.

“Hi.”

“Hi yourself,” Roger said softly, aware of the slight shake in his voice. “Erm…how are you?”

“Yeah, okay. You?”

“Yeah, good.”

Roger’s gaze was drawn to John’s wide, strong hands as he fiddled with the top of a beer pump absentmindedly. “I…wasn’t expecting to see you.”

“I know, I wasn’t exactly planning on coming in. Sorry if that’s—”

“—No, no, it’s fine,” John rushed to say. “It was just a surprise, that’s all.”

Roger bit the edge of his lip, his chest tightening at the way John was looking at him. All smiley, like he really was happy to see him. It was more than he deserved, he knew that. His thoughts were disconnected and fuzzy. He automatically said the first thing that came into his mind.

“I’m on that date. He wanted to come in here, and so I couldn’t think of an excuse not to.”

“ _Oh_. Right. Yeah. Brian did mention your date was tonight.”

John’s body language seemed to immediately change. His smile disappeared, and he stood up straighter, and put a hand on his hip.

“Well you’re safe. Lucy’s not working tonight, so you won’t have the fear of bumping into her.”

“I was hoping she wouldn’t be,” Roger admitted quietly, twirling his phone in his hands, as his gaze flickered over John’s face uncertainly. “But to be honest, I was more concerned about seeing you.”

John stared up at him from underneath his eyelashes, his gaze heavy. Just for a moment. And then it changed. Leaving a blank canvas in its wake.

“I don’t see why. You being on a date has nothing to do with me.”

Roger’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Hasn’t it? You read my journal, right? All of it, even the letters I sent to—”

“—Yes, I read all if it, Roger,” John interrupted with a sigh. He folded his arms over his chest and stared back expectantly. “What do you want me to say exactly? That I understand? That I forgive you? I’ve already said as much, haven’t I? I told Brian to tell you that. So what’s left to say?”

“Can’t we talk about this properly? Maybe later, after my date—”

“—I don’t think that’s a good idea.” John said, gazing back at him with pursed lips.

“Okay, fine. Another time then?”

Roger couldn’t help but ask. Couldn’t help but want. Even when his therapist had told him specifically that it wasn’t a good idea. Because now that John knew everything—or at least, everything excluding Roger’s attempt on his life four years ago—he hoped things would be easier.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea either. You’re on a date, you’re moving on. I’d like to do the same.”

Roger felt all the hope inside of him instantly disintegrate, smashing into a million pieces. He didn’t think he’d ever felt so disappointed.

He’d practically bared his soul. And it appeared that it still wasn’t enough for John to give him a chance. Because he didn’t like him like that. He never had. And even if he did, it clearly wasn’t enough to want to be with Roger.

“Alright. If that’s what you want.”

John didn’t respond. Instead, he took a deep breath and stared back at Roger evenly. “So. What did you and your _date_ want to drink?”

“A Cosmopolitan and a Whiskey Sour please.”

John nodded and headed off to make them.

Roger wished he wasn’t on a date. He had the sudden urge to go home and order takeaway, gauge on ice cream, and spend the rest of the evening feeling sorry for himself. But then if he did that, he wouldn’t be moving on. Like he was supposed to. Like everyone wanted him to, apparently.

He struggled not to look as bitter as he felt when John headed back over to him with his drinks.

“That’ll be fourteen pounds.”

“I’ll have to pay with my phone, if that’s alright.”

“Fine.”

John reached underneath for the card reader. Then John’s gaze drifted behind Roger, as Roger’s gaze trailed across John’s expression uncertainly.

“John, I hope we’re—”

“— _Please_ tell me you’re not on a date with Callum.”

“The guy with the long, dark hair?”

John sighed in response as he held out the card reader for Roger. “Yes, that’s Callum, my ex.”

Roger’s stomach dropped at his words.

“God, you’re joking! I didn’t know that. Brian set us up.”

“He wouldn’t have known he was my ex. We only dated for a bit last year.”

“Oh, so it wasn’t anything serious then, no?” Roger asked as he relaxed against his chair. “If it was only a few dates, and…nothing else.”

John rolled his eyes in response as Roger tapped his phone against the top of the card reader. “If you’re asking whether we had sex, then yes, we did. Quite a few times actually. Callum was pretty eager to—”

“—Christ, alright. I get it. I really don’t need to hear anymore.”

For a moment, John’s lips seemed to turn upwards in the corners as he set the card reader back behind the bar. But then he looked up, and it had gone.

“Well, anyway. It’s no skin off my nose. If that’s your thing.”

Roger’s eyebrows furrowed in response. “If what’s my thing?”

“My sloppy seconds. First Naveen, and now Callum. I’m sensing a theme.”

Roger frowned in response. He didn’t feel like mentioning that he’d only gone after Holly in school because he’d heard John had been with her. He thought that might have been proving John right.

“Hang on, me and Naveen were only ever friends. It was him who suggested the bloody threesome—”

He broke off as John abruptly turned and walked away. A group of young girls who were stood not too far away, looked round and giggled between themselves. Roger sighed irritably, grabbing his drinks and avoiding their gaze as he reluctantly headed back to his table.

Callum gave Roger a sheepish smile as he sat down. “I’ve got a slight confession.”

“Oh?” Roger asked, barely paying attention as he passed Callum his drink.

“You might have just got served by my ex. I totally forgot he worked here. I wouldn’t have suggested coming in if I’d known.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve ran into one of my ex’s whilst I’ve been out and about.”

“Oh yeah? Have a lot of those, do you?” Callum asked with a smile.

Roger said nothing before he took a sip of his drink. “A few. I erm…I’ve got a bit of a confession myself actually.”

“I am intrigued.”

“You’re my first date. With a man, I mean.”

“Oh really? I am honoured.”

Roger laughed in response, taking another sip of his drink. Carefully choosing his next words.

“So, your ex then. It’s not awkward we’ve run into him, is it? I guess what I’m asking is if it ended badly.”

“Oh no, not at all. We parted as friends. I haven’t seen him in a while though. I guess we just sort of…drifted apart. It was no big deal.”

Roger nodded, his curiosity somewhat sated.

Callum guided most of the conversation from that point on.

Roger tried to pay attention, to focus on what Callum was saying. But every so often, he would let his gaze drift past Callum. Straight towards the bar.

The more Roger drank, the more he’d let himself stare wistfully.

Wishing things could have been different. Wishing he could turn back time.

He didn’t even have the excuse of being able to talk to John, as Callum insisted in getting the next few rounds in. Roger slumped against his chair, trying not to pout as he watched Callum chatting to John. When he came back, he sat beside Roger, and put his arm around the back of his chair.

“I’ve had a really nice night.”

Roger took a sip of his drink, and gave him a tight smile. “Yeah, yeah, me too.”

“I’d like to see you again if I could? We could always catch a movie or something.”

“Oh erm, actually I’m not—”

Roger stopped talking as he looked back towards the bar. Back to see John standing beside his colleague, the loveliest smile on his face.

Roger swallowed thickly in response.

He felt a pang inside his chest at the thought of never having John look at him like that. He couldn’t keep doing this to himself. Torturing himself like this. John would never be his.

“Yeah, alright. That would be nice.”

Callum smiled in response, his gaze drifting towards Roger’s lips.

Roger took the initiative.

He leaned in, pressing his lips to Callum’s.

It was only Roger’s second kiss with a man.

It was nice, soft, gentle. No different to kissing a woman really, apart from the slight roughness of Callum’s stubble.

But it was also…boring.

There was no yearning stirring in his loins. Neither did it make Roger want to drag him closer and run his hand through his hair. His heart didn’t beat faster, and there was no sparks of electricity or pleasure like Roger had experienced with John.

Roger tried not to let his disappointment show as Callum pulled away to smile. He didn’t have the heart to tell him how he felt. Not here, not to his face.

Instead, he nodded when Callum suggested going.

He grabbed his jacket to put back on, his gaze landing back on John. He felt a mixture of emotions to see that John was finally staring back, his expression unreadable.

“Coming?”

Roger forced his gaze away and hummed in response. He followed Callum outside, telling himself not to look back.

He walked Callum back to his flat, quickly making his excuses when he lingered at his front door.

Then he hopped onto the tube, with no real destination in mind. He watched people jump on and off. He watched businessmen squeeze themselves on, all in a hurry to get home and back to their families. Watched groups of girls giggling to themselves as they took selfies and whispered excitedly about the rest of their night.

Roger couldn’t face going back home.

Instead he jumped off at a familiar stop. And found himself outside of the one door he knew he shouldn’t be at.

Roger licked his lips and raised his hand to knock on the door.

At first, he considered that he could have still been at work. But then he saw the hallway light flicker on in the small window pane.

Seconds later, the door opened, and John hesitated in the doorway.

He’d taken his hair down again. It was all fluffy and shiny, and Roger had to fight the urge to reach out and touch it.

John’s expression was even, his gaze slightly cold as he gave Roger a long look-over. “What do you want?”

“To talk. If that’s alright with you.”

John pursed his lips, giving Roger another glance over. “Actually now’s not really a good time—”

“—Do you know what? Tough.”

“What do you think you’re doing?” John said, his voice rising in anger as Roger reached out to stop John closing the door. He headed through the doorway without invitation. “Get the hell out of my flat!”

“I’ll be happy to, once you tell me what all that was about back at the pub.”

Roger knew this wasn’t the answer. But desperate times called for desperate measures.

He heard John sigh, before closing the door with a bang. Roger could hear the sound of his feet against the carpet from behind him.

“What was _what_ all about?”

“ _You_! Being all moody and jealous.”

Roger headed straight for the open doorway of the bedroom, his curiosity getting the better of him.

It was obviously his room. It was organised and much tidier than Roger’s room.

There was a variety of photographs blue-tacked to one side of the wall. Most of them were of John and Freddie, but a few were of people Roger didn’t recognize.

There was posters too. _Star Wars_ , _Jurassic Park,_ one of the _Beatles_ , and one advertising a Funk music concert back in the 60s. His double bed was pushed to the side of his room and was messily made. It had the _Stark_ wolf head on the duvet. There was also a selection of cushions in front of his pillows.

His desk was squeezed in between his bed and his wardrobe. It had his laptop on it, and a few various items of stationary placed in pots.

John’s guitar sat in the corner of the room, propped up against the wall. He also had a standing mirror to the right of where Roger was stood.

He heard John scoff as Roger paused in the middle of the room.

“ _Jealous_? Have you heard yourself? I told you, it’s no skin off my nose who you choose to date.”

“So then why were you being so off with me?”

John rolled his eyes as Roger turned back towards him.

He was still wearing his uniform. A black t-shirt and jeans.

Roger’s gaze flickered over him, over the tautness of his arms, and the tightness of his jeans.

“Get over yourself. We’ve not spoken in almost three weeks, apart from you getting Brian to pass on the message that you’re suddenly gay now—”

“—There’s no suddenly anything. If you read the journal properly, you’ll know I’ve always felt like that—”

“—But I didn’t know that at the time, did I? Look whatever. The point is, I don’t understand how you expect me to react. I told you. You’re moving on. Good for you. Let me do the same.”

Roger swallowed thickly. Knowing it was now or never.

“You meant it then? That really is…what you want?”

“I just said so, didn’t I?” John huffed, his gaze falling to the floor, to the _Gryffindor_ socks he had on. “Like I care who you do or don’t choose to sleep with.”

Hurt rose up inside of Roger. It was so strong that he had to fight away the tears threatening to build in his eyes.

At least he had his answer, he supposed.

Then anger began to lick at Roger’s wounds, so irresistible he couldn’t resist it.

“Well now that I’ve got your permission, maybe I’ll go straight back to his for a quickie then, shall I?”

John’s expression changed, just for a moment.

His eyebrows furrowed, his lips began to pull downwards into a frown, and his fingertips tug into the skin of his arm. But then it vanished as quickly as it had appeared and John looked back at him with an even expression on his face.

“Go ahead. I told you, you’re welcome to my sloppy seconds.”

Roger’s heart hammered inside of his chest.

John was never going to give in. Whether or not he really did feel something for Roger, he’d never admit it. Not willingly.

It was down to Roger to take one last chance.

“Actually, I’ve got a better idea.”

John’s forehead creased, his confusion obvious as Roger began to take slow, measured steps towards him. Roger watched him at all times, searching for any real sign of discomfort.

“What are you doing?”

“Testing something.”

John blinked, automatically taking a small step back as Roger came to stand in front of him, the front of his shoes practically touching his socks.

They were stood so closely that Roger could appreciate the freckles on his face, the smoothness of his skin, the shape of his thin lips, the slightest trace of stubble, and the specks of grey in his green eyes as they widened. He could hear John’s unsteady breath, could feel the warmth of it as his lips parted slightly. He could hear the shake in his voice as John tried to speak.

Roger appreciated all the little things. Knowing he probably wouldn’t get another chance to.

“Rog—”

Roger chose his moment.

He leaned forwards and pressed his lips to his. Warmth instantly circulated through Roger’s body.

He kissed John softly, uncertainly, willing to get a reaction. It felt just as good as the first time.

But John’s lips were still frozen against his. With a sickening disappointment, Roger reluctantly pulled away.

Enough was enough. He had his answer.

He blinked back more tears and took a shaky breath, opening his mouth to reassure John that he’d stay away from him from now on.

But he didn’t get the chance.

Instead, Roger suddenly found himself pushed against the door. It banged against the wall, but Roger barely noticed. He was too occupied by the look John was giving him.

Roger’s mouth went dry as he stared back in surprise.

His eyes seemed darker, his face slightly pink as his gaze flickered across Roger’s face, his hands still fisted against the front of Roger’s jacket.

Less than a second later, he leaned forwards with a quiet huff and pressed his lips against Roger’s.

Roger didn’t react at first. He could barely dare to believe it.

Those really were John’s lips moving against his, and it felt too real to be just another of Roger’s fantasies. Except Roger wasn’t kissing him back…

Roger sighed, letting his lips move against his, his hands limp at his sides.

It was rough, desperate and hard.

The urgency of their kisses stole Roger’s breath away. Every nerve in Roger’s body felt alight with electricity, and heavy longing built in his gut. It made him dizzy with desire and weak at the knees. So much so that Roger had to keep reminding himself to breathe.

But then John’s tongue moved alongside his, and Roger felt virtually on the risk of passing out.

It was the sweetest taste of pleasure. All Roger could think was how much he wanted _more_.

He made a noise, a needy sound from the back of his throat as John’s body pinned himself to Roger’s more firmly. One hand moved to tug gently on the strands of John’s hair. His other slid around John’s waist, fisting against the back of his shirt.

And then John suddenly pulled away.

Roger huffed in response.

He immediately leaned forwards, trying to chase John’s lips. Only for John to stumble back even further, almost falling into his standing mirror at the side of the room. His eyes widened as he righted himself, his breathing laboured, and his cheeks deliciously flushed, as he stared back at Roger.

Then Roger realised why John had ended the kiss so suddenly.

“John? You here? I’ve been calling—”

Roger turned his head, watching Freddie appear around the corner in the hallway. He looked between them, eyebrows furrowed in response.

“What’s _he_ doing here?”

Roger reacted quicker, clearing his throat and hoping to god that Freddie wouldn’t look at his crotch.

“I just came to see if John was alright. Figured I probably owed him an apology. For…for everything.”

Freddie huffed, folding his arms across his chest and leaning against the wall. “To say the least.”

“Exactly.”

“Right, well. You’ve said it now. Was that it?”

Roger nodded, forcing a tight small. “That was the gist of it, yeah. I’ll erm…I’ll get out of your hair.”

“Yes, you do that.”

Roger glanced back at John. He was pleased to see he still looked slightly flustered. Roger felt a sense of pride to have had such an effect on him.

“See you around, John.”

John gave a small nod and watched him leave.

Roger closed the front door behind him, heaving a long, shaky sigh and deciding that he’d need a very cold shower when he got home.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh. My. God. What did you all think?
> 
> THIS IS NOT A DRILL. JOHN FINALLY KISSED ROGER BACK. AHHHHH.
> 
> I've waited SO LONG to update this chapter haha. I couldn't wait to get it on here lol. Hopefully it was worth the wait! Let me know what you thought. And more importantly what you'd like to happen next. Of course it's still not going to be smooth sailing, but ideas are definitely welcome!
> 
> Thanks for reading, and hope everyone enjoyed it.  
> Stay safe and have a good week all.
> 
> <3


	17. Let Your Heart Rule Your Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's POV
> 
> The chapter begins with a flashback from John's past. It deals with Lewis slipping away from him, and the jealousy he feels because of that.
> 
> Then the chapter goes back to the present time, where Roger is on a date. John is struggling to process everything he's feeling about it all, and uncertain on how best to deal with it...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Swearing, smut, and I think that's it!

_“Please say you’re free this weekend to go to the cinema.”_

_Lewis’s hand tightened against the handle of his backpack as John looked at him hopefully._

_“Erm…actually, I’m not. Why are you asking anyway? What did you have in mind?”_

_John sighed quietly, kicking a stone from out of his path as they continued walking past all the terraced houses._

_“That new Avengers film is out. The one we’ve been waiting months to see.”_

_“Oh fuck, I completely forgot that was this weekend,” Lewis said, walking a little slower as the realisation hit him. “I’m so sorry John, I feel really bad now.”_

_John shook his head, immediately wanting to soothe his worries. “Don’t worry about it, it’s fine. We could always go next weekend instead.”_

_Lewis frowned in response. “We could. But you’ve been waiting ages to see that one. How about I cancel what I was doing and we go Saturday night—”_

_“—Don’t do that just for me,” John found himself saying on instinct. “It’s only another week.”_

_“Yeah, but what if somebody comes into school and starts talking about it?”_

_“We’ll tell them to shut up,” John joked with a smile. “It’s all good.”_

_“Promise?”_

_“Yes,” John insisted with a quiet chuckle. “What have you got planned anyway?”_

_Lewis’s smile seemed to droop. He quickly looked down at his feet, away from John’s prying gaze._

_“Oh erm…I’ve kind of got a date. With Charlotte.”_

_John’s stomach dropped at his words. Pretty, brunette Charlotte. She’d spent almost all year flirting with Lewis, and passing childish notes from across the classroom. Lewis had found it cute. He’d brushed it off with a laugh, throwing them away as soon as they headed to their next class._

_Now it seemed, maybe Lewis liked it after all._

_John tried not to sound too disappointed when he replied._

_“Oh.”_

_He hadn’t succeeded. Lewis sighed at his tone._

_“Yeah. She kind of caught me off guard in PE on Monday. Asked me what I was up to at the weekend. Anyway, she asked me if I fancied going to Pizza Hut with her. And I…guess I said yes.”_

_John didn’t know why he felt so surprised. Or hurt. It was nothing to do with him who Lewis dated. Even if he secretly wanted it to be._

_“Pizza hut? Nice. Well, have fun.”_

_“Apparently, they do two for one on meals on a Saturday lunchtime. I couldn’t exactly disagree with that logic.”_

_John forced another smile._

_“You’re not mad at me, are you? For having forgotten about going to the cinema? It’s just that I promised Mum I’d stay home and look after Grandad on Sunday, but I really meant it when I said I don’t mind cancelling on Charlotte—”_

_“—You don’t need to do that,” John insisted, despite everything in him wanting to scream otherwise. “Honestly, it’s fine. I understand.”_

_That didn’t mean he liked it._

_Lewis seemed to buy it though. He watched John carefully for a long moment. Then he nodded. “Okay. Well we’ll definitely go next weekend instead.”_

_John forced another smile. “Sounds like a plan.”_

_-o-_

_Sophie Metcalfe’s bedroom looked as if it had been dunked in every shade of pink that existed._

_He felt a little awkward, stood in the middle of the room, whilst she set down her bag on the bed. She gave John a small smile, tucking her brunette hair back behind her ear._

_“You can sit down, you know?”_

_“Oh. Right. Yeah. Sorry.” He said uncertainly as he headed over to sit on the sofa in front of her bed._

_It was just about big enough for the two of them. John resisted standing back up and putting some distance between them when she came and sat next to him._

_She’d spent most of term staring at him from across the classroom. She was also one of the cleverest girls in his class. So when she invited him round to revise, he let himself say yes._

_It had been two weeks since Lewis had gone on a date with Charlotte. They’d been on several more since then. John had barely seen him lately._

_Maybe this was what he needed. A smart, pretty girl. To stop himself from moping over Lewis._

_They spent an hour going over some of the questions that might be used in their Maths exam in a few days’ time. Then Sophie set down her book and looked at John questioningly._

_“I fancy a break. I’m going to get a can of coke. Want one?”_

_“Erm…yeah, please,” John said as he set aside his book too._

_By the time she came back, John was struggling not to panic. He didn’t know what he was thinking. The only girl he’d ever hung out with outside of school was Holly, and he’d only slept around her house a few times, with Lewis in tow. He was about to pack up his things and make a run for it when Sophie headed back into the room, a smile on her face._

_“I erm…I’ve just realised I promised my Mum I’d be back by four. I should really get going—”_

_“—Just text to say you’re studying at my house. I’m sure it’ll be fine, John.”_

_He hesitated, torn over what to do for the best. Then she thrust the can of Diet Coke in his hands, and he forced himself to reach for his mobile._

_Sophie went to turn her stereo on in the corner. It began to play a song that John had never heard of. But then he was more into disco than top forty._

_When she sat beside him again, she virtually placed herself in his lap._

_John set his can aside and shimmied himself as far away as the sofa would allow. She didn’t seem to notice. Instead, she gazed at him as she bit her bottom lip and twirled a strand of hair between her fingers._

_“You’ve got really nice eyebrows. Has anyone ever told you that?”_

_He fought not to frown in response. Was that supposed to be her way of flirting?_

_“Erm…no. No, they haven’t.”_

_“Well, you have. Do you pluck them?”_

_“No.”_

_“You’re so lucky. I have to pluck mine all the time.”_

_“Right.”_

_He was really starting to regret accepting her invitation to come round._

_“You’ve got really nice eyes too.”_

_“Oh erm…thanks.”_

_“And nice lips.”_

_She couldn’t have been more obvious if she tried. Even if her approach was a little unusual._

_He’d never kissed anyone before. He’d thought about it. Usually whilst staring at Lewis for a fraction too long. But it seemed obvious that the chance of that happening was virtually zero. Maybe John just needed to accept that fact. Maybe now was the time to experiment with girls. He’d always thought Jennifer Lawrence was fit after all, right?_

_He closed the distance between them slowly._

_It was weird._

_Sophie used far too much tongue._

_He fought back an unpleasant shudder as she thrust it against his. He reasoned that nobody really enjoyed their first kiss. That was kind of the point, right? The more you practised at something, the better you got at it._

_She pulled back with a smile. John took that to mean that he hopefully did an okay job._

_“Was that your first kiss?”_

_“Yeah. You?”_

_“My second.”_

_John found himself a little surprised._

_“I kissed a boy last year. In his treehouse.”_

_“Oh okay, cool.”_

_“I’m glad I was your first kiss, John, and I’d like to kiss you again, if I could?” Sophie asked shyly. “But I don’t want anything serious. I’m too focused on my schoolwork right now. I want to be a vet, so I’ll need top qualifications. Boys are just a distraction anyway. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t have a little fun too, right?”_

_John swallowed thickly. Told himself this was the only way. To move on from Lewis._

_“Exactly.”_

_Satisfied, she pulled him back in for another kiss._

_John didn’t see Lewis until the end of lunch the day after. He searched for him everywhere. They’d not sat together all week, which was unusual. John thought that if he managed to find him, they could at least end the week catching up._

_He found him outside, sat at the back of the field. His tongue down the back of Charlotte Hasting’s throat._

_John immediately turned back and headed inside as quickly as his legs would allow him. He bit his lip hard to stop himself from crying, as a lump formed in his throat without permission._

_Once he was safely in a cubicle, he let the tears fall._

_He placed a hand over his mouth, trying to be quiet as the bathroom door kept banging open and closed._

_It physically hurt to see Lewis with Charlotte. John wanted to scratch his own eyes out. He wanted to be the one Lewis was kissing._

_Every time he had to see them together, it felt as if his heart was smashing into a million pieces. And all he could think was how much he wanted the pain to go away. To somehow numb himself from feeling anything ever again…_

-o-

John wasn’t a jealous person by nature.

He’d only ever experienced those feelings once. Whenever he saw Charlotte and Lewis together.

So it took him a few seconds to realise that the tightening in his chest, the sickening feeling, and the anger churning up inside of him were all obvious symptoms. Ones he’d had all night but had grown much more intense when he’d looked up to see Roger and Callum kissing.

He gasped, quickly removing his finger from the _coca cola_ button on the tap as the liquid spilled over the top of the glass, causing a wet, sticky patch on the floor. His hands were sticky too.

His colleague, Michael, gave him a look of concern. “You alright John?”

“Yeah fine, just…didn’t sleep very well, that’s all,” John said, giving what he hoped was a reassuring smile as he emptied the glass and went to grab his customer a clean one.

He lifted his head up and watched Roger pull away slowly. His stomach flipped uncomfortably as they shared a smile, whilst Roger put his coat on. Then he turned to look at John, his smile quickly disappearing. John swallowed thickly as he watched them leave.

He immediately began to make himself busy. Tried to focus on work, rather than the urge to go and hide somewhere and cry about how messed up his head was right now.

He was so torn.

Regardless of how sorry Roger was, he’d still helped in some small way to make John’s life hell in school.

_And yet…_

There was a small part of John that found himself inexplicably drawn to him.

At the very least, he despised the thought of Roger being with anybody else. Especially with one of his bloody _ex’s_.

John sighed, grabbing his customers drinks and heading to their table, desperately trying not to think too hard about everything. Which was far easier said than done.

When Brian came in to take over, he gave John permission to leave. It had gone quiet enough that he could handle things. John didn’t need to be told twice.

He headed straight home, switching the hallway light off on his way. He took his hair down, kicked off his shoes, flopped onto the bed, and groaned face down into his pillow. All the while wondering why this sort of thing happened to him. Why he always ended up going for the guys he knew would inevitably break his heart in the end.

He picked his head up enough to frown at the wall when he heard a knock.

There was the option to ignore it. He could inevitably torture himself until he hopefully found some sleep.

Instead, he chose to do the opposite.

He sighed, flicking the hallway light back on and shuffling towards the front door.

He felt a mixture of emotions to see Roger stood there, bright blue eyes wide, and pink lips slightly parted in surprise.

A bubble of anger welled up inside of John again as he thought over how cheeky it was for Roger to turn up out of the blue like this. “What do you want?”

“To talk. If that’s alright with you.”

John pursed his lips, considering his words.

He could at least admit one thing. Roger looked good. It seemed he’d made a conscious effort for his date. That only infuriated John more.

He’d not allowed himself to think of him like that before. But that didn’t mean that John didn’t have eyes.

The girls had all flocked around Roger in school.

He was handsome. Some would even call him pretty. Especially now that he’d grown his hair out.

He was cleverer than he let on. He’d charmed students and teachers alike with his easy smile and endlessly silly jokes. That was the main reason Roger’s behaviour had gone unnoticed for so long.

John noticed how his hair was slightly windswept, his blue eyes watery from the warm breeze.

He began to close the door again. Before his resistance could wane. “Actually now’s not really a good time—”

“—Do you know what? Tough.”

“What do you think you’re doing?”

His voice gave away his panic as Roger stepped forwards and pushed the door back. John was too surprised to try to stop him until it was too late. By which point, Roger was marching down the hallway.

“Get the hell out of my flat!”

“I’ll be happy to, once you tell me what all that was about back at the pub.”

John sighed again, realising that Roger wouldn’t go until he had answers. He let the door slam shut and followed him towards the direction of his room.

“What was _what_ all about?”

“ _You_! Being all moody and jealous.”

John’s stomach dropped as he watched Roger’s gaze flit about his room. He’d been too obvious.

“ _Jealous_? Are you for real? I told you, it’s no skin off my nose who you choose to date.”

Roger looked back at John, his lips pulling downwards slightly and his eyes sad. “So then why were you being so off with me?”

John rolled his eyes, hoping to appear as aloof as possible.

“Get over yourself. We’ve not spoken in almost three weeks, apart from you getting Brian to pass on the message that you’re suddenly gay now—”

“—There’s no suddenly anything. If you read the journal properly, you’ll know I’ve always felt like that—”

“—But I didn’t know that at the time, did I? Look whatever. The point is, I don’t understand how you expect me to react. I told you. You’re moving on. Good for you. Let me do the same.”

Roger bit his bottom lip to stop it from shaking. John stared back at him as evenly as he could.

“You meant it then? That really is…what you want?” Roger asked quietly.

“I just said so, didn’t I?”

John broke eye contact, dropped his gaze to his _Gryffindor_ socks, and focusing on the tiny hole where his little toe was peeking through. “Like I care who you do or don’t choose to sleep with.”

“Well now that I’ve got your permission, maybe I’ll go straight back to his for a quickie then, shall I?”

Roger’s words provoked images.

Roger kissing _Callum_.

Roger falling into bed with _Callum_.

The two of them laughing as they hastily undressed.

Roger begging _Callum_ to fuck him as he got on all fours.

Roger moaning _Callum’s_ name as they had sex—

It took everything inside of John not to react.

He felt sick at the thought of them being together like that.

It made him want to scream into his pillow again. Or pull his own hair out. Anything to stop himself imagining both of them entangled so intimately.

Instead, he discreetly pinched the skin of his arm whilst he attempted to bury all those feelings again. He looked up once he felt safe enough to, and replied under a façade of calmness.

“Go ahead. I told you, you’re welcome to my sloppy seconds.”

Roger’s expression changed into something more determined. “Actually, I’ve got a better idea.”

John watched him step closer and closer, fighting the urge to run away. “What are you doing?”

“Testing something.”

John automatically stumbled backwards a step as Roger’s shoes connected against the front of his socks.

They were stood so closely that John could finally appreciate just how long his eyelashes were. The different specks of blue in his irises, the curve of his nose, the couple of freckles littered across his cheeks, the dimple on his chin, the arch of his eyebrows, the various shades of blonde running through his hair, and the shape of his lips as they parted in anticipation.

John’s heart was racing, beating so loudly that he was sure Roger could hear it too. His mouth was suddenly dry. He swallowed thickly as he struggled to find his voice. “Rog—”

Roger leaned forwards and pressed his lips to his.

He kissed him softly, slightly shakily. John felt like a statue.

Roger’s eyes seemed slightly damp as he pulled away far too quickly and took a step away.

John felt a pang of panic.

His surprise had kept him frozen in one place. Unable to respond. That didn’t mean he hadn’t liked it. Far from it, in fact.

John chose to react on instinct, something he hadn’t let himself do in a long time.

He stepped close enough to push Roger by the shoulders, locking him against the door. Then he leaned forwards with a surrendering huff and pressed his lips back against his.

Except this time, Roger wasn’t kissing him back.

For a brief second, the panic inside of John doubled over. Maybe this was all just a trick. Maybe this had been his way of getting his own back one last time—

But then Roger sighed, and his lips began to move against his. John fought not to shudder in response.

John had kissed his fair share of men. Hell, he’d gone all the way with rather a few too. He’d been in love. He’d experienced heartache. He’d felt the flames of desire, too irresistible to ignore.

But this.

This seemed like a whole other level.

Kissing Roger was like suddenly realising the world wasn’t just shades of _black_ and _white_. It was like experiencing that first bite of the apple in the garden of Eden.

John’s every nerve was alight with need. He was filled with the kind of electricity he loved studying about so much.

His tongue dragged across Roger’s, tasting him.

He couldn’t seem to get enough.

Then Roger made a noise, a low, urgent noise from the back of his throat as John pressed his body to his more firmly. One of Roger’s hands tugged on the strands of John’s hair gently. All John could think was how much he wanted to drag Roger to his bed, and have him making more noises like that…

“ _John_? _I’m home_!”

John’s mind drifted, fuzzy with desire. _Who’s home_?

Then he suddenly remembered where he was.

Roger huffed loudly, his eyes dark and unfocused as his lips chased John’s.

John forced himself further away, forgetting about the mirror behind him. He stumbled, using his hands to steady himself. His breathing was embarrassingly loud as he stared back at Roger, trying to comprehend what just happened.

Roger looked just as aroused, his gaze heavy, and the thought made it virtually impossible for John not to want to close his bedroom door and pick up where they left off…

“John? You here? I’ve been calling—”

Roger turned his head, his eyes widening as Freddie stood at the edge of the hallway and looked between them. “What’s _he_ doing here?”

Roger cleared his throat, discreetly folding his hands over the front of his crotch. His face had turned virtually bright pink. John was sure he probably looked just as dishevelled. Which was probably a bit of an obvious clue as to what they’d been doing seconds before.

“I just came to see if John was alright. Figured I probably owed him an apology. For…for everything.”

Freddie huffed, folding his arms across his chest and leaning against the wall of the hallway. “To say the least.”

“Exactly.”

“Right, well. You’ve said it now. Was that it?”

Roger turned further towards Freddie and nodded. “That was the gist of it, yeah. I’ll erm…I’ll get out of your hair.”

Freddie raised his eyebrows expectantly. “Yes, you do that.”

Any doubt about how turned on John might have looked vanished the instant Roger turned back to look at him. If the slight smile on his face was anything to go by.

“See you around, John.”

John could only nod, desperate for Roger to leave so that he could go and cool off. Figuratively and literally.

Unfortunately, that still left Freddie to deal with.

“Darling, are you okay? You look as if you’ve just finished running a marathon. Or is it the flush of anger that comes naturally with being in Roger Taylor’s company?”

John offered a weak laugh in response as he leaned against the doorframe for support. He still felt a little light-headed from their kiss.

“Obviously the latter goes without saying. But erm…work was kind of busy. The usual Friday night traffic. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I practically sprinted the whole way back.”

Freddie made a disbelieving hum from the back of his throat. “So are you going to tell me what _Taylor_ was really doing here?”

John tried his hardest to look confused. His eyebrows furrowed, attempting not to give anything away. “Basically what he already told you. He came to the bar on his date. I wasn’t exactly expecting to see him. So afterwards, he came by to apologise if it was awkward.”

Freddie nodded slowly, still watching John carefully. “I thought he was supposed to be keeping away from you.”

John offered a one-shouldered shrug, trying not to react. “Your guess is as good as mine.”

“That boy’s like a bad penny. Always turns up when you least want him to.”

John forced a small smile and quickly turned his back on Freddie. “True that. Anyway, I’d better go and get a shower before I head to bed.”

“You can tell him to fuck off, you know? If he’s annoying you that much.”

“It’s fine. I can handle Roger bloody Taylor,” John said, trying to keep the conversation light as he took out his phone from the back pocket of his jeans and put it down on his bedside table.

By the time he turned round, Freddie was raising his eyebrows knowingly at him. “Hmm. I’m sure you can, darling. Night-night.”

John said nothing as he headed straight for the bathroom.

Under the lukewarm spray of water, John tried to concentrate on washing his hair. Tried to think of literally anything else.

The rabid dog in the film he watched on television last night, the Leicester football results from the weekend. Anything but the taste of Roger’s lips, or the feel of his warm, firm body.

His hands itched.

John had never been more tempted to grab the bottle of lube from his washbag, close his eyes and replay the sound of Roger whining.

Then he shook his head, wondering what was wrong with him.

It was okay to be attracted to someone as gorgeous as Roger. In fact, it probably would have been weirder not to think like that.

It didn’t counteract everything Roger had done. Regardless of the fact that all of that had been a cover-up for his own sexuality. It didn’t mean that John should immediately forgive and forget.

Maybe John just really needed to get laid. It had been two months after all. Maybe then John would feel less tempted to wank off to the image of Roger Taylor. Or less inclined to snog his face off again.

He gave a irritable groan, stumbling out of the shower and pointedly ignoring the semi he’d gotten at the way his thoughts had turned.

He had a text waiting for him when he got back to his room. It was from Roger.

_For the record, I don’t want your sloppy seconds. I just want you. X_

John typed message after message and deleted them all.

_I think it would be best if we forgot tonight happened…_

_Perhaps we need to meet up and talk properly…_

_I’ve been thinking and I’m not sure us kissing tonight was a good idea…_

_I need some time to process everything in my head. Maybe once I’ve done that, we can go from there…_

He huffed in response and slammed his phone back onto his bedside table, consequently giving up his attempt at trying to think of a response.

-o-

He didn’t see Roger again until Brian and Freddie’s engagement party the following week. He knew it was inevitable that they’d bump into each other.

Perhaps that was why John found himself rummaging through his wardrobe for over an hour beforehand, desperate to find something nice. He got himself into such a panic that he had to keep sitting on the bed and count down from ten. Remind himself to breath. In and out. Then he’d get up and try again.

In the end, he picked a fitted, black chequered shirt, skinny trousers, and his favourite platform boots. He washed his hair, letting it dry naturally so that it was fluffy. Then he grabbed his leather jacket and headed out.

The engagement party was being held in the function room at a cocktail bar in town. It was just big enough to fit all their friends and family.

Banners with _We’re Engaged!_ And _Congratulations Brian and Freddie_ were hung from the walls. There was a table with food, cake, cards, presents, and glasses and bottles of champagne on it.

Almost everything was decorated in orange, yellow and tangerine—Freddie and Brian’s chosen wedding colours.

He smiled and waved when he caught Brian and Freddie’s eyes from across the room whilst they spoke with both their parents. He felt grateful he’d given Freddie his card and present the night before.

John lingered to the side of the room, looking around at the mass of people uncertainly.

He’d never been good in a crowd.

His heart began to beat faster when he saw Roger. His hands grew clammy as Roger began making his way over, a shy smile on his face.

His hair was shiny and wavy, his blue eyes alight with emotion.

He was wearing a burgundy velvet jacket, black, fitted trousers, and a white shirt. John took a shaky breath as he noticed a couple of the buttons were undone.

He was cradling a bottle of beer in his hand.

“Finally. A familiar face.”

At least half a dozen emotions battled inside of John as his gaze flickered across his face, his slightly pink cheeks, heart-shaped lips, and the dimple on his chin.

“Did you want a drink?” Roger asked quietly. “I’m buying.”

John cleared his throat, shyly tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. “Is that because it’s a free bar?”

Roger smiled more fully, and John openly stared. “Obviously.”

Once they had a drink in their hands, they discarded their jackets over two chairs, and headed over to Brian and Freddie.

“Hello, you two. Hope you’re not having too much fun without us,” Roger teased lightly.

Freddie offered Roger a tense smile. “Hello Roger, nice of you to join us.”

“Don’t be a grump, babe. Not tonight of all nights. It’s a celebration after all! A celebration of our love.” Brian said, wrapping his arm around Freddie’s shoulder and kissing him on the cheek.

Freddie rolled his eyes. “He’s drunk already.”

Brian frowned at him in response. “I am not! Just happy that’s all.”

“Yeah, yeah. We believe you, Brian. Thousands wouldn’t,” Roger laughed. “I gave Brian your engagement card and present earlier, by the way. Thought you could open it when you got back to ours later.”

“Oh god. It’s not some tacky paperweight or something, is it?” Freddie winced ungratefully.

“Freddie, don’t be so ungrateful!” Brian rebuked lightly.

“Yeah exactly!” Roger said with a pout. “I worked hard to choose that paperweight.”

Roger couldn’t quite keep the serious expression on his face, and John laughed automatically, realising he was teasing Freddie. Roger turned to stare at him in response, his smile widening.

Freddie looked between them, a strange look in his eyes.

“I wouldn’t encourage him,” Freddie said tensely. “In all seriousness, he’s probably brought some crude sex toy. We all know he has no class.”

Roger turned back to wink jokingly at Freddie. “Don’t pretend you wouldn’t love it. I bet you’ve got a secret kinky side.”

“Oy, hands off my fiancé. Fred’s mine!” Brian said, quickly wrapping his arms around Freddie’s neck and pulling him in for a kiss.

Freddie made a face in response. “God, I forget how soppy you get when you’re drunk.”

John smiled in response.

“Nothing wrong with being soppy, Fred,” Roger said softly.

From the corner of his eyes, John saw Roger turn his head to look at him again. He bit his lip in response, ignoring his gaze pointedly.

It was a heady mix.

An unlimited supply of alcohol and Roger’s company.

With every drink, John’s thoughts got more and more fuzzy. He found himself staring at Roger a little longer each time. Getting distracted in his blue eyes, in his wide smile. Found himself wanting to kiss him again.

Roger would stand almost as soon as John had finished his drink and offered to get them another one. By their fourth drink, John was feeling a little more confident. He watched Roger sit down, liking the way his leg was pressed against John’s.

“Are you trying to get me drunk?”

Roger turned his head, his eyes slightly wide in surprise. Then his lips turned upwards as he saw John’s expression.

“Obviously, Deacy. I’m hoping to see what you’re like once you’ve had a few.”

John smiled, reaching out to take a sip of his beer. He felt warm all over at the way Roger was looking at him. The effects of the alcohol was working its way through his system, making him appear braver than he actually felt.

“I’m quite boring really. Talk far too much, and dance like nobodies watching.”

“Interesting,” Roger said as he reached forwards for his own bottle of beer.

John noticed Roger’s arm had snaked around the back of his chair from the corner of his eyes. He bit back a smile in response.

“I was hoping you’d say you got a bit frisky.”

John almost dropped his drink. He turned to look at Roger, half expecting him to wear some sort of teasing expression. But instead, Roger stared back with a gaze that stole John’s breath away.

John licked his lips, quickly looking away and ending the moment. He saw Roger put down his bottle in the corner of his eyes.

“So, would you ever do it? Get married, I mean? If you met the right person.”

John blinked, not having expected the question.

“Oh erm…I’ve not really thought about it. I guess so. One day, maybe.”

“I’m pleased for Freddie and Brian. They make a sweet couple, and they’re obviously happy. But personally? I think all of this—” Roger said, using one hand to gesture vaguely around the room. “Is too much. With the threat of sounding like a cynic, marriage is just a piece of paper for most people. Couples can be committed to each other for years and not need the big wedding to go with it.”

“So you wouldn’t then.”

Roger sighed, dropping his gaze to the table in front of them.

“I’m happy to keep an open mind. I just think that if it ever did happen, I’d want it to be small, intimate. More about committing yourself to your partner, rather than the fanfare of the day itself.”

John nodded, listening carefully. “I can understand that. I’d be too nervous, I think. Walking down an aisle in front of everyone. Knowing me, I’d probably end up stumbling over my own feet.”

“Exactly. There’s all this pressure to have everything perfect. When in reality, it shouldn’t be about that. Having said that, it’s obviously genuine between Freddie and Brian. You only have to look at them to know that. So if they’re comfortable making a day of it then…I say good for them.”

“Yeah, I agree.”

Roger nodded, sipping his beer again. He was staring at the table, his gaze far away. John watched him, desperate to know what he was thinking about…

But then he put his bottle back down and painted on another smile.

“Anyway, I’m rambling. And I need another drink. Want one?”

They spent the rest of the evening together, talking about anything and everything. The new films coming out at the cinema. What Freddie and Brian’s wedding might look like. The football results at the weekend. The newest car brands.

The chat was easy, comfortable. Despite all their history.

Every so often, Roger’s thumb would raise itself and stroke a line across John’s back.

John let him.

Eventually, Brian’s parents came over to say hello. Brian’s father left his wife to head to the bar as she stepped back from hugging Roger. “It’s so good to see you, Rog.”

“Yeah, you too, Mrs May.”

“Come on now, I’ve told you before. You’re practically family. I think you’ve won the right to call me Ruth.” She insisted softly. Then her expression changed, a little more serious than before. “How are you doing anyway? Brian says you’re still seeking therapy.”

“Yeah, I am,” Roger said quietly, his cheeks growing a little pinker. “But erm…I feel loads better now, thank you.”

“Good, I’m really glad to hear that, sweetheart,” Ruth said, reaching forwards and squeezing his shoulder. “You gave us all a bit of a scare at one point. Brian especially. But I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing okay now.”

Roger smiled a little uncertainly in response. Then he changed the subject back onto Brian and Freddie.

John frowned as he watched them talking. His curiosity piqued. He managed to wait until Mrs May joined her husband at the bar before he said anything.

“What was all that about?”

“I lived with them for a bit, didn’t I? So we got to know each other pretty well—”

“—No, I mean. When she said about you giving them a scare.”

“ _Oh_. Oh, that,” Roger said, looking away to take a sip of his beer. “That was nothing.”

Then he realised he wasn’t fooling anyone by the look on John’s face.

“Alright, well I was just a bit depressed after I left school, weren’t I? Brian said it himself ages ago. I kind of…lost my way a little. Let myself get into a slump. Hence why I started therapy.”

John nodded slowly, watching Roger turn away again to glance around the room. His face was still slightly pink.

“You never talk about it much, or explain what exactly happened.”

“Well, it’s not really cheerful conversation, is it?” Roger said with the briefest smile. Then he shrugged. “I don’t really like talking about any of that. That’s what therapy is for. Not to mention, I don’t want it to sound as if I’m drowning in my own self-pity. Not when I know I don’t deserve the sympathy in the first place.”

John wasn’t sure what to say to that. So instead, he changed the course of the conversation slightly, testing the waters.

“What about your Dad, do you—”

“—I don’t really like talking about him, either,” Roger said quickly, with a barely hidden wince. “Sorry, it’s just…difficult. That’s why I gave you that journal.”

John noticed the slight shake in Roger’s bottom lip just before he bit down on it.

“It’s fine. We won’t talk about it. How about I get us another drink instead? It looks as if Brian’s on his way over here anyway.”

“Okay, cool,” Roger said, looking relieved as John stood up. “Thanks.”

In the end, John was caught by Freddie’s parents. By the time they finished talking, Roger had disappeared, and people were starting to leave.

He tried not to feel too disappointed. Instead, he headed over to Freddie and Brian to start saying his goodbyes.

Brian beamed at John, his arm hooked around Freddie’s shoulder. He had a glazed look in his eyes. “John! Thanks for coming, mate. We really appreciate it, don’t we, Fred?”

“Yes Brian, we do,” Freddie said with a small sigh. But then he turned his face and gave Brian a quick kiss on the cheek, as Brian announced he was going to the toilet. He watched him stumble away with a smile on his face. “He’s lucky he’s so cute.”

John snorted in response. “If you say so.”

Freddie turned back to look at John. “He’s right though. We do appreciate you being here. You and Roger. Whether I like it or not, he’s still Brian’s best friend.”

John gave a small smile in response. “I’m glad you’re both so happy.”

“And are you? Happy, I mean?”

“What sort of question’s that, Fred? Of course I am.”

“I meant with Roger being here. With seeing him so much.”

“Oh, well…you know. We’re getting along better. For yours and Brian’s sakes.”

“That’s very agreeable of you both,” Freddie said, an air of sarcasm to his tone. “I noticed you didn’t seem to mind his company too much this evening. It all looked very… _cosy_.”

John sighed in response. “What are you trying to say, Freddie?”

“Nothing,” he insisted, pursing his lips for a moment and watching John far too closely. “Just…be careful. _Please_. I don’t want to see you get hurt, that’s all.”

“Look, it’s not a big deal. I just think it’s about time we start making a conscious effort to put everything behind us. Be civil to each other. I think there’s been enough hurt, don’t you? On both sides.”

“Hmm, certainly more on one side,” Freddie said carefully as he stepped forwards, pulling John into a hug. “Just remember what I said. I’m sure Roger means well. But you’ve always been too trusting. Too forgiving.”

John just nodded, knowing if he didn’t, Freddie would only worry more. Then he quickly made his excuses and left.

His phone vibrated from the back pocket of his trousers on the walk home. He stumbled in through the doorway, away from the heavy downpour of rain, and quickly took his jacket off. Then he scooped out his phone and read the text. It was from Roger.

_Hey, I’m so sorry for disappearing. My Mum rang me, so I nipped out to answer it. By the time I came back in, Freddie said you were already gone. I really enjoyed spending time with you tonight, John. X_

He leaned back against the door, reading the text at least two more times before he went to reply. His mind was still a little fuzzy around the edges from the alcohol. John chose to see that as a good thing. He needed some Dutch courage right about now.

_Me too._

He paused, trying to think of what else to say.

_Where are you anyway? Are you still at the party or have you gone back home?_

John’s flat was far too quiet, the only sound was of his feet padding against the carpet in his socks. He headed into the kitchen to get a glass of water. By the time he poured one, Roger had replied.

_I’m just getting ready to go now. I offered to help stick around and clear up. Freddie’s just left with Brian, who is absolutely wasted by the way lol! His Dad’s just told him off for being sick in the bathroom. Why? Where are you? X_

John used his hands to pull himself up, sitting on top of the kitchen counter. He immediately hit the reply button.

_At the flat. Just got home. Fancy coming round?_

His heart sped-up as he pressed the sent button. He stared at his phone for ages. He’d just climbed back off the worktop and was about to do the washing-up when his phone buzzed again.

_Now there’s an offer I can’t refuse. ;) What did you have in mind? X_

The ball was in John’s corner.

He bit his lip, trying to think of how to reply. He was verging on dangerous territory, he knew that. There was no mistaking the flirting in Roger’s text.

John was also still slightly drunk, and feeling brave. Brave enough to admit that he didn’t want the night to be over. But what to write? What would be enough to tempt Roger round? Then it came to him.

_How about me? I’ve been thinking about you banging me like your drums all night._

He sent it immediately, not giving himself time to delete it. The reply came through just moments after.

_B there in ten X_

John immediately headed for the bathroom to check his appearance. He splashed cold water in his face and fluffed his hair some more. Then he went to shut the curtains in his room and quickly hid the teddy he slept with in the bottom drawer of his bedside table. Then he went and grabbed himself another beer.

He began to bite on a fingernail.

The reality of the situation hit him. He’d just sent a booty text. To Roger Taylor. Of all people.

“Oh god.”

 _This was wrong. This was so, so wrong_.

Roger was a good kisser. There was no denying that. And John enjoyed flirting with him. It stirred feelings inside of himself that John hadn’t experienced in a long time.

 _But still_.

Just because it had all felt nice so far, didn’t mean that John should have been considering jumping into bed with the bloke. _Right?_

He was so weak.

Suddenly nauseous, he ran back into his bedroom to grab his phone. He cursed aloud as he rushed to send another text to Roger.

_Actually on second thoughts_

He dropped his phone onto the bed, the knock at the door making him jump. Too late now.

 _Fuck_.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG, JOHN BOOTY TEXT ROGER! Lol haha. Bet you weren't expecting that! What do you think will happen now? What do you think SHOULD happen? Do you think Roger will accept? Do you think Roger would ever refuse a temptation like that in regards to John lol?  
> Anyway, let me know your thoughts! Hope you enjoyed, and hope it was worth the wait. Sorry I ran out of time to get this on here on Friday. I'll keep trying to update twice a week where possible.
> 
> Hope you have a better week than I'm having! Take care everyone. ❤️


	18. You're Starin' At My Face As Though I'm Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ROGER'S POV
> 
> The flashback recalls Roger seeing Lewis and John at the cinema, and a sleepover at Steven's house where his thoughts begin to take on a world of their own...
> 
> Then the chapter goes back to the present time, where Roger gets an surprising invitation that he can't refuse from John...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Smut throughout most of this. Homophobic language and swearing. :)

_“Oh look, it’s the two faggots!”_

_Roger’s blood ran cold at how Steven shouted that. Then his stomach twisted painfully as he caught sight of Lewis and John ahead of them in the cinema lobby, their arms linked._

_John’s eyes widened with fear as the others all snickered in response. He quickly took a step away from Lewis’s side._

_“Let me guess, did you two go and see a romance? How sweet! Did you sit in the back row too? Share each other’s popcorn, sip each other’s coke? God, you two make me sick—”_

_“—You know what to do if you don’t like it, Steven,” Lewis said defensively as he went to stand in front of John. “Leave us the hell alone. We’re not doing anything wrong by hanging out.”_

_Roger felt a rush of envy._

_Why couldn’t he naturally be more like that? Strong, noble, and courageous. To actually stand up to what he believed in for once in his miserable life without giving a shit about what any of the others thought._

_But of course he already knew the answer to that. If he did, he’d be the one being taunted day after day. Although, at least there would be the slightest chance that John would no longer despise him as much as he so obviously did._

_“Aww look at that Steve-o, true love,” Jamie gave a mocking laugh. “I think it’s adorable that you’ve got somebody to protect you, Deacon. Maybe one day you’ll finally grow some balls of your own.”_

_Steven scoffed as he shoved past them. “He won’t be there to hold your hand all the time, faggot. Just remember that.”_

_Roger stayed silent as he slipped past them, his gaze cast to the floor. He was only brave enough to turn back whilst the others were getting their tickets._

_He noticed that John was sat outside, his head in his hands. Watched Lewis put an arm around him._

_He eventually forced his gaze away and stepped forwards to collect his ticket._

_He tried to tell himself that none of this mattered. He had a few years left of school and then he’d be out of this town for good. He could finally have a new start for himself somewhere else._

_Some things were easier to ignore though._

_His Mum gave him permission to sleepover at Steven’s house at the weekend. His older brother was supervising, and was making the most of their parents being out of town by having a party. Despite how most of the people there were under age._

_Roger might have been thirteen, but it wasn’t his first time drinking. Most of his sleepovers with the others contained at least a beer after the adults had gone to bed._

_It wasn’t his first time playing Truth or Dare either._

_Neither was it his first time kissing a girl._

_But Hannah Talbot was far keener than the others. She climbed into his lap like she owned it and slipped her tongue in his mouth keenly._

_When she headed away to use the bathroom, Steven took her place besides Roger on the sofa and slipped him a condom. Roger stared down at it blankly, nestled against the palm of his hand._

_“Reckon you’ll need it, mate. She’s well up for it. You can use the spare room if you want.”_

_“But I’ve never…” Roger shook his head slightly in response. “I don’t reckon it’ll get that far.”_

_Steven stared at him as if he’d grown another head._

_“So? You’re not really going to turn her down, are you? She’s offering it to you on a plate, Rog. Trust me.”_

_That may have very well been the case, but Roger was in no hurry to lose his virginity. He didn’t mind kissing girls. It wasn’t like it was unpleasant. Apart from the ones who cried after. Even with a few glasses of beer, he didn’t mind how they tasted either. Even if their lip gloss usually ended up smudging against his lips._

_But the thought of going all the way with one was…terrifying._

_Not that Steven was likely to understand. Roger was confident on that just by the way he was looking at him now. Like he was in the same category as John._

_So he gave a horribly forced smirk in response._

_“Course not. Just a bit nervous, that’s all.”_

_Steven seemed to buy that excuse. He smiled in response, patting Roger softly on the shoulder._

_“Well that’s only natural, mate. Let me give you some tips.”_

_So he did._

_When Hannah took his hand and pulled Roger towards the staircase, he didn’t fight it. He ignored all the thoughts in his head protesting that this was wrong. That her hands were somehow too soft. That her body wasn’t strong and lean. That he couldn’t be rough with her in the same way he imagined he could be with a man._

**_Because he wasn’t gay. He couldn’t be gay_ ** _._

_The alcohol was making his thoughts fuzzy and irrepressible. His true fantasies were becoming harder to ignore as he attempted to filter out her sharp moans._

_Instead, he closed his eyes and pictured John’s body. He’d seen it enough times in the quick glimpses Roger had given him in the changing room. Pictured his flushed cheeks, his thin, kissable lips, and wide, innocent eyes._

_Pictured bending him over one of the toilets in school and taking him from behind._

_Roger gave a loud, desperate moan and came inside of her instantly._

_He was so disgusted with himself that he refused to let himself wank off for at least a month afterwards as punishment._

_Then he found a men’s porno at the back of the toilet one day. His hand went straight to his cock, his fist in his mouth to stop himself being too loud._

_The more he did it, the more he hated himself. And the more he did it, the more he wanted to try the real thing…_

-o-

_How about me? I’ve been thinking about you banging me like your drums all night._

Roger was so surprised, he had to read the text three times over. Then he leaned a hand against the underground wall to steady himself.

John really was a dark horse after all.

Roger had spent the majority of the evening flirting with him. Testing the waters. Trying to work out if John liked it. Whether John liked _him_.

It wasn’t like he could just ask. Roger didn’t want to come across as desperate. Even when that’s exactly what he was.

Now he had the literal proof in his hands.

John was inviting him over. For another kiss, or maybe something much more. He basically said as much in his text. And Roger could hope. He was only human after all.

He sent another text as fast as his fingers would allow and ran for the tube. It seemed he wasn’t going straight home after all…

By the time he got to John’s flat, Roger’s hands were clammy. His stomach was filled with an array of nervous flutters.

But that was a good thing. It proved he wanted this. More than anything.

He swallowed thickly and wiped his hands on the front of his trousers, before he knocked. A few moments later, the hallway light flickered on. His heart was pounding as he waited for John to open the front door.

And then his brain seemed to shut down at the way John was perched uncertainly in the doorway.

He really was pretty.

With his long, fluffy hair, and sparkling eyes. Roger was left flummoxed every time he saw him.

“Hey you,” he said softly. He suddenly felt a little shy stood in front of John.

John offered a slightly strained smile. He looked almost nervous, with his arms folded across his chest, as if to protect himself.

“Hey. Did you…want to come in?”

“Yeah sure.”

He quickly stepped forwards and went to hang his jacket up. He left John to close the door as he wondered through the hallway. He automatically moved towards John’s room.

Roger noticed how tidy it was again as he turned back once he was stood in the middle.

John was perched in the doorway, his bottom lip pulled between his teeth. His expression was neutral, careful.

Roger wasn’t here to play games. He was here because he wanted to be. It was time to cut to the chase.

“So you’ve been thinking about me, huh?”

He said as lightly as possible, in a sort of teasing manner, hoping it would be enough to break the ice and help John feel more comfortable. Roger respected him for making the first move. That took courage. He felt he should meet John halfway.

John made a quiet noise in response, a kind of huff of denial. “Hardly.”

“Not even a little bit? I’m not sure that’s quite true, John.”

“Don’t get too cocky. It’s mostly been about how annoying it is that you refuse to give up.”

“That’s not what your text said.”

John pursed his lips and dropped his gaze to the floor as he tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. “Yeah well, I’ve had a change of heart since then.”

“So you’ve not spent all night thinking about _me_ _banging you like my drums_ , no?”

John looked back up at him from underneath his eyelashes. Roger noticed his face definitely seemed a little pinker. “Not one bit.”

“That’s disappointing,” Roger said, kicking his shoes off lazily and sitting on the end of the bed. He leaned back against the wall, a smile threatening to break out as he continued to watch John. “Because I’ve been thinking about you. _A lot_. And that gorgeous body of yours.”

John narrowed his eyes in response, his expression still even. “Have you now? Perv.”

“Oh, you have no idea,” Roger said with a quiet chuckle. He licked his lips, suddenly finding them dry. “You wouldn’t believe the kind of things I’ve been imagining.”

Roger let his gaze slip away from his face—making his point.

John’s clothes fit him far too well. That was both a blessing and a curse. How was Roger supposed to think clearly when his trousers were so skin tight, they left very little to the imagination?

His shirt showed off the tautness of his torso, and his muscular arms.

Even his hands were big, his fingers long and nimble. Roger had fantasised about having those hands on every inch of his body far more than he’d like to admit…

He even thought it was adorable that John was wearing _Star Wars_ socks for Christ sakes.

“Wouldn’t I? I’ve read your journal, remember?”

Roger smiled, his eyes lingering over the swell of his crotch, before slowly moving all the way back up again.

“Trust me, Deacy. That’s nothing compared to some of the filthy things that’s been going through my head lately.”

“Try me.”

Roger took a shaky breath, his confidence growing by the way John was looking at him.

“Alright,” Roger said, licking his lips again. His voice began to grow thicker, and slightly shaky. “How about you and me in this bed for a start. Me on all fours, begging you to fuck me.”

“Do all of your fantasies involve being in bed? They did in your journal. It’s a bit…” John trailed off, a glint in his eyes as he searched for the right word. “ _vanilla_.”

Roger’s eyebrows raised in response. He considered that a challenge.

“Is that so? Okay, how about this one? You spread across the kitchen table as I fuck into you. Both of us knowing that anyone could walk through that front door. But not caring one bit.”

For Roger, that was a particular turn-on. The frill of being caught. Made even hotter when he imagined being with John like that. He wondered vaguely if he’d have any reservations to sex in a more public place…

John pursed his lips, but subtly placed his arms over the front of him. “Better. I guess. Anything else?”

“Oh, like you wouldn’t believe, John,” Roger said, really hoping he wasn’t the only one being affected by all of this. “The amount of times I’ve imagined having sex with you in the shower. Or giving you a blowjob in the shower. Or of me and you on that sofa in the living room. You bouncing in my lap, on my cock…”

Roger groaned as his cock twitched in response. He reached down and adjusted his jeans. He was practically straining against them already. The urge to wank off right there, right then, was almost overpowering.

But he didn’t want that. Not by his hand. Instead, what he craved above all else in that moment, was John’s touch.

John watched him, his eyes dark. “You really are getting off on this, aren’t you?”

“Hmm,” Roger hummed, his voice already husky, and thick with longing. “Want to know what would make it even better?”

“What?”

“ _You_. In my lap. Right now.”

John blinked, hesitating a moment. Roger stared back patiently.

He walked forwards slowly. His gaze flickered across Roger’s face as he moved towards the bed. He kept eye contact the whole time as he knelt over the top of him, placing his legs on either side. Then John dropped down onto his lap.

Roger moved instantly.

Hunger rippled through him as he sat forwards and connected his lips with John’s.

He kissed John roughly, letting him feel how much he wanted this. He felt him shiver in response, pressing himself closer, his arms loose around Roger’s neck. His own hands were against his waist, his fingernails digging into John’s shirt.

His every sense was filled with John.

The sweet taste of him on his tongue.

The heady scent of his aftershave.

The mesmerising sounds of his ragged breathing and soft little sighs.

The amazing feeling of him so warm and wanting in his arms.

The sheer vision of him—all bruised lips, pupils dilated, skin flushed, and so obviously affected, as Roger pulled back to look at him.

John blinked, uncertainty in his eyes as he caught his breath. “What?”

“Nothing. I’m just looking. At you.” Roger said, without one ounce of shame.

He let one hand curl around a strand of John’s hair, tucking it back behind his ear as he continued gazing at him affectionately.

“Why?” John asked, and then he huffed. “If you say something embarrassingly cringeworthy like _because you’re beautiful_ , I swear to god, I’ll kill you.”

Roger felt a tug of fondness swell up inside of him. Because god damn it, John really was _beautiful_. Especially like this. He’d never wanted anyone as much.

And not just for sex either.

Roger yearned to see what John might look like first thing in the morning. Would his hair be all messy and did he wear an adorable, sleepy smile?

He yearned to cuddle up to him at night, pressing kisses into his skin.

He yearned to hold hands, to sit himself in his lap and play with his hair.

He yearned to make idle chit-chat over dinner, to bask in John’s company freely and enjoy the sound of his infectious laugh and bask in his adorable smile.

Normal, couple stuff. Stuff he’d never had properly before. Stuff he used to tease Brian for cooing about doing with Freddie. Stuff Roger only wanted with John.

Roger’s body shook from a quiet laugh, which grew a little uneven at the way John smiled down at him, adorable gap-tooth and all.

None of his drawings had ever done John justice.

“But what if I genuinely mean that? That I’m staring because you’re so beautiful?”

“That’s it. You’re not getting laid—”

“— _What_? That’s so not fair! I hop-footed it across London in under twenty minutes, just to get laid by you—”

John cut him off, pressing his lips back to his and kissing him firmly. Roger instantly went quiet, his hands slipping to the curve of John’s arse and pulling him flush against him.

It felt so good already, even with their clothes on. Roger felt dizzy at the thought of how much better it would undoubtedly feel to actually be inside of John.

Then he made a noise of protest as he suddenly pulled away and climbed out of his lap. John scooted further along the bed, a glint in his eyes as he made a come hither gesture with his hand.

“Don’t make me regret this, Taylor.”

Roger didn’t think he’d ever moved so fast in his life.

He shuffled along the bed on all fours, and landed ungracefully on top of him. John laughed in response, his eyes crinkling, his smile wide, and it immediately took Roger’s breath away.

And then John pulled his face forwards, his lips searching Roger’s impatiently.

He could feel the shake in John’s hand as he slowly began to undo the buttons on Roger’s shirt.

His lips left John’s for all of a second, throwing it over his shoulder and descending back upon him with the neediness of a man starved of touch. Roger’s wondering hands were still gentle, despite the growing impatience to get John’s clothes off.

He kissed each bit of skin he revealed, only pulling back to let John sit up and take off his own shirt completely. He offered Roger a surprisingly shy smile as he tossed it away with the same care.

Roger’s mouth immediately went dry.

He was firm and strong. He was toned, with a trail of dark hair sweeping across his chest and disappearing into the top of his trousers.

Roger yearned to follow it with his mouth. So he did.

John made little noises of pleasure which was like music to Roger’s ears.

He watched John from underneath his eyelashes. Took note of him biting his lip, his forehead creased and the way his eyes fluttered closed once Roger’s lips reached below his belly button.

He caught sight of John’s cock straining against his trousers, and he couldn’t resist. His hands lowered to palm him through the material. His own cock hardened rapidly at the sound of John’s drawn out moan.

God, Roger couldn’t wait to get his hands on him. He fully intended on making John feel as incredible as possible.

Encouraged, he undid John’s trousers and began to tug at the waistline of his underwear. His kisses sinking lower…

“Wait. Wait a minute.” John begged, his voice breathy and high-pitched as he attempted to sit up.

Roger sat back against his thighs as he stared at John uncertainly. “What’s wrong?”

“N-nothing, I just…I need a minute, that’s all.”

“Okay.”

Roger watched John lean back against the headboard, his gaze drifting towards the ceiling. His face was pink, his hair slightly dishevelled, and he was just as breathless as Roger.

John closed his eyes a few times, breathing deeply. Once it was more settled, Roger spoke again.

“You good?”

John gave a small nod, reopening his eyes and watching Roger crawl back into his lap. He said nothing as Roger cradled his head in his hands, and kissed him, his tongue lightly tracing his. John kissed him back less intensely than before, whilst tracing small circles against Roger’s hip.

Roger let his hands drift back over John’s body. Then he began to tug John’s trousers and underwear down again.

John’s hands lay flat against his chest, pushing Roger away. He pulled back to stare questioningly at him.

“Alright?”

John gave a small smile, but it suddenly seemed tense and false.

“’m fine,” John said gruffly, a hand sliding into Roger’s hair to tug him forwards gently. “Sorry. I don’t know why I pushed you away.”

Roger paused, a whisker away from John’s lips.

“We can stop if you want?”

He meant it. Even if he was screaming for John to say no on the inside.

“No, no, it’s fine,” John insisted, his lips searching Roger’s again.

He let John pull him back in for another kiss. He stayed still, giving John a moment to grow used to their closeness again. Then his hands went back to pulling his underwear down his thighs. He shuddered as his hand brushed John’s cock.

John jolted in response, pulling away again, and staring at him with wide eyes.

Roger swallowed thickly, paranoia flaring inside of him.

“You don’t really want this, do you? Not with me.”

“What?” John asked breathlessly, blinking heavily as he watched Roger sit back on his knees. “What are you talking about?”

“You know what! You, pulling away from me. It’s because of who I am, isn’t it?”

John frowned, instantly reaching towards him. “No. No, it’s not. I think maybe we’re just…moving too fast.”

Roger knew getting angry or frustrated wasn’t going to solve things. But he couldn’t help but feel both, at John’s weak denial.

“Oh come on! You don’t expect me to believe that.” Roger hissed, moving back until he was perched at the end of the bed, away from John’s reach.

John stared back at him blearily-eyed. “What do you mean by that?”

“Well you slept with Naveen after only two dates, didn’t you?”

As soon as Roger said it, he regretted it. He didn’t even realised he had, until he saw John’s expression.

“Hang on, John. That’s…that’s not what I meant. It came out wrong—”

“—Oh really, so what did you mean?” John asked, narrowing his eyes in accusation. “That I put out, yeah? Well if that really is all you want, then maybe you should just go.”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that—”

“—Yeah, sure you didn’t,” John huffed as he turned to drop his feet back to the floor. Roger watched him push his hair back from his face, unsure of what to say to fix the situation.

“I don’t know why I thought you could change. You’re the same person you always were.”

John’s words stung. Roger began to panic as he realised he may have finally fucked up his last chance to be with John.

“John! Please don’t be like that!” Roger begged, crawling closer to his side. The moment he tried to reach for him, John pulled away and stood up. Roger took a shaky breath, struggling to comprehend how it had gone so wrong so quickly. “Look, I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it. I was just lashing out. But we need to talk about this.”

“About what? How you’re clearly only here on the hope of a…of a…quick _fuck_!” John stammered out in temper.

“No! I’m not! I like you John, _really_ like you. And I hoped that you liked me, but even if you did, I don’t think it’s enough, is it? You still can’t look past everything I’ve done, can you?”

John hesitated. He opened his mouth to speak…and nothing came out.

Roger felt like he had his answer. And it physically hurt.

John sighed as Roger moved to grab his shirt from the floor.

“Rog…what are you doing?”

“What does it look like? I’m getting out of your hair.”

“No, don’t. Please don’t go. Not like this,” John asked desperately, stepping forwards to quickly take Roger’s hands in his a little shakily. “I didn’t mean what I said either. About you not being capable of changing. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Roger offered a vague, one-shouldered shrug. “Forget it.”

“No, I mean it. That was a horrible thing to say. Not to mention, untrue.” John said, tugging his hands lightly until they were toe to toe, and John could wrap his arms around his waist and tuck his chin against his shoulder. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s fine. I deserved it for what I said about Naveen.” Roger said quietly, immediately calmed by John’s embrace. Still, worry ate away at him. “Seriously though, John. How is this going to work if you seemingly can’t bear to have me touch you like that?”

John was quiet for a long moment, his lips pressed to Roger’s skin.

“Maybe it’s like I said. We just need a bit of time. To get used to each other in that way. We were barely on talking terms up until a few months ago.”

Roger hummed noncommittally in response. He ached to think positive. But he also didn’t want to keep getting his hopes up. Not when he might end up losing John altogether. The very thought had Roger’s hold on John tightening slightly.

“What if…what if it still ends up being… _weird_ for you?”

“Then maybe we could…do all the other stuff? Kiss, cuddle, and---”

Roger huffed quietly in response. “You’re joking, right? That would be the worst kind of torture. Being close to you like that, and not being able to… _you know_ , do anything about it. I think it’d kill me, John.”

Despite how it wasn’t just about sex, Roger wanted _everything_. Every bit of John that he had to give. Physical, emotional and mental intimacy that came with being a couple.

Roger would be driven mad, he was sure of it. To have John’s warm body pressed to his of a night, to have his soft lips against his, knowing all the while, he wasn’t allowed the skin on skin contact he so desperately craved.

John sighed in response. “I know.”

“Look…if this is going to be too much, then…” Roger said, his voice sad. “Of course I’d be gutted not to be with you like that. But I’d rather have you as a friend, then not have you in my life at all.”

John pulled back to peer at him from underneath his eyelashes. “Do you think that would work? Us just being friends?”

“I think we owe it to ourselves to at least try, right?”

Even as he said that, Roger’s gut twisted painfully.

Because deep down, he knew he’d always want more. He was a selfish creature like that.

John hummed in response, pressing his lips back against his shoulder. Roger swallowed thickly in response, one hand softly tangling in the back of John’s hair. All he could think was how much he desperately wanted this to be enough.

To say he was more than a little disappointed when he got home, was an understatement.

He winced as he quietly padded through the flat, hearing soft moans coming from Brian’s room. He headed straight for his room, enviously thinking how unfair it was that Brian and Freddie’s night had gone better than his. Even if it was the night of their engagement party.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy MOLY. Poor John. Poor Roger. :(
> 
> I feel like I say this every chapter lol. I promise one day soon, I'll give them an easier time, I promise haha. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Please let me know your thoughts as I love reading all your wonderful reviews. I've had an insanely crazy week this week and one of the only things that keeps me going is the thought of updating this story, and reading your wonderful reviews. So thank you for that!
> 
> Anyway, have a good weekend, and stay safe! <3
> 
> UPDATE: I've just re-read the next chapter due for upload on Monday, and that chapter is where it's AT. Like, I can't give much more away than that, but all I can say is HOLY HELL. HANG ON TO YOUR HATS GUYS, BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT TO GET INTERESTING.


	19. When I Tell You That I Need You Every Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JOHN'S POV
> 
> There's a flashback to an argument between John and Lewis, before things quickly get resolved...  
> Back in the present time, John is still conflicted about what he wants, and what the right thing to do is regarding Roger. Until Roger himself makes that decision for him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATING: Is for homophobic language, swearing, and finally, SMUT.

_“What the hell were you thinking?” John exclaimed as Lewis raced to catch up with him. “He could have seriously bloody hurt you!”_

_“Yeah, but he didn’t, did he?” Lewis said with a smile as he made it to his side. “I’m fine. A teacher found us in time. No damage done.”_

_“No damage done—”_

_John repeated his words with a scoff. He still felt wired. His hands were shaking, and his breathing was erratic. He felt sick at the thought of Lewis stepping in front of him, ready to take a beating._

_Lewis reached for his hand, softly pulling him to a stop._

_“John, look at me.”_

_He entwined their fingers as John slowly met his gaze._

_“I’m fine, okay? But I’m sick of standing back and not doing anything. Letting those bullies get to you day after day. It’s not right. And if the teachers aren’t going to get involved, then I bloody will.”_

_“What, and you think that’s going to help, do you? Like they’re suddenly going to stop harassing me?”_

_“No, of course not, because they’re arseholes. But I’m done waiting for a teacher to discipline them. If they so much as harm a hair on your head again then I’ll go after them, I swear to god.”_

_John sighed in response, about to open his mouth and tell Lewis that he didn’t want that. He didn’t want him putting himself at risk like that. But then Lewis reached forwards with his other hand and tucked a strand of hair behind John’s ear, and all of John’s thoughts magically disappeared._

_His heart sped in response, his gaze trailing towards the curve of Lewis’s lips. He ached to lean forwards and taste them against his. But Lewis had a girlfriend. So he reluctantly pushed the thought away._

_“Do you want to go back to mine? Hang out like we used to.”_

_He should have said no. But John didn’t have the willpower. Not when it came to Lewis._

_And it was normal, for a while._

_They listened to music in his room, the two of them laid side by side on the bed, talking about the latest Walking Dead comics. Normal stuff. Then Lewis turned on his front and sat himself up on his elbows as he gazed at him silently._

_John frowned in response._

_“What? Is there dirt on my face or something?”_

_Lewis chuckled in response, but shook his head. “No. I’m just looking at you.”_

_John pulled a face automatically. “Why would you want to?”_

_“Why wouldn’t I?”_

_A heavy feeling placed itself against John’s chest. That familiar ache was back, stronger than ever._

_John lifted one hand to cradle itself against the side of Lewis’s face. His skin was soft. His thumb moved of its own accord, brushing against Lewis’s lips. Wondering again what they’d taste like against his._

_It was wrong, John knew that. Lewis had a girlfriend. He repeated that fact daily in his mind. But he wanted him. He’d wanted him for so long. He was sure they were meant to be together. Why else would it feel so natural between them?_

_“John,” Lewis sighed softly, his eyelids fluttering closed at John’s touch._

_“Tell me you don’t want this too,” John said, his voice suddenly husky. “Tell me this is all in my head, and I’ll let it go.”_

_Lewis took a shaky breath as he slowly reopened his eyes and gazed at John with the kind of look that made heat pool low in John’s gut. And then his gaze flickered down to John’s lips, and it was like they were suddenly drawn to each other. Like a moth to a flame._

_John sighed as their lips connected._

_It was better than he expected. Better than any kiss he’d shared with that girl from his class._

_He felt like he was on fire, burning from the inside out._

_He felt dizzy at the feel of Lewis’s tongue._

_He moved, his body pressing over John’s and—even through their clothes—it was virtually electric. John could only think of the sheer need he felt to have his skin against his._

_But before he could reach for the button on Lewis’s jeans, a voice rang out from somewhere in the house._

_“Lewis! I’m home, sweetheart!”_

_Lewis pulled back, his eyes wide, but his face still flushed. “Shit!”_

_John watched him quickly stumble off of the bed, and pull at his top, which had risen a little. John sat up and tried to calm his breathing as he placed a pillow discreetly in his lap. Just as Lewis’s Mum made it to Lewis’s bedroom. She smiled when she saw the two of them._

_“Ahh, I didn’t know you were popping round tonight, John. Did you want to stay for dinner?”_

_He cleared his throat and forced a shake of his head. “Erm…thank you, but I’d best not. I told my Mum I wouldn’t be out too late.”_

_“That’s a shame,” she smiled sadly. “Maybe next time then.”_

_John nodded, his gaze flickering back to Lewis’s face. “Yeah, maybe.”_

_It was awkward as he bid his goodbyes on the front doorstep whilst his Mum headed downstairs towards the kitchen._

_Things returned to how they were before. Unfortunately._

_Lewis went back to hanging out with Charlotte almost all of the time, and John went back to pining after him. Desperately wishing things could be different. Desperately wishing his Mum hadn’t interrupted them that day._

-o-

John clung to his cup of coffee as he watched Freddie stumble through the hallway. He was wearing black-rimmed sunglasses which John was sure he’d seen Brian sporting, his hair was pulled into a messy bun, and he had on the same clothes he’d been wearing last night.

John smiled sympathetically. “Coffee?”

“Deacy, you’re an angel. Honestly.”

John stayed quiet as he stood.

“Do you feel as bad as I look?” Freddie said, immediately slumping into John’s chair and holding his head up by his hands.

John kept his back to him as he reached for Freddie’s cup. “No, but then I wasn’t that drunk to be fair.”

“I didn’t think I was. Until we got outside. Me and Brian headed straight back to his. And then Brian thanked me properly for looking after him by—”

“—I really don’t need to know, Freddie.”

He pouted in response.

“Spoilsport. At least Brian didn’t seem too hungover this morning. Reckon that’s probably because he threw most of it back up at the bar.”

“Yeah, I heard,” John said automatically.

“How? You’d already left when that happened.”

John avoided his gaze as he opened the fridge. “Oh err…Roger text me about it.”

“Of course he did. I notice he didn’t offer to help carry him home.”

“No. I think he stayed to help your parents tidy up. He didn’t exactly have to do that either.”

“Reckon he was feeling generous after all that time spent canoodling with you. Is that why he’s getting you to fight his battles?”

“He’s not getting me to do anything. Believe it or not Freddie, but I do have a mind of my own.”

Freddie had the decency to look apologetic as John slammed the cup of coffee down in front of him. “I was only teasing. Sorry if it came out wrong. You know I get bitchy when I’m hungover.”

John sucked in a deep breath and pushed his hair back as he sat opposite. He stared down at the lemon patterned tablecloth, willing for his problems to disappear like a cloud of smoke. If only it was that simple.

“Ignore me. I’m just…in a bad mood.”

“Why? What has the wanker done now?”

“Freddie—”

“—I’m teasing you again, darling,” Freddie grinned sheepishly. He took his sunglasses off, and peered across at John closely. “Seriously though. What’s up?”

John didn’t reply straight away. He traced the branches with the tip of his finger instead. Trying to work up the courage to being honest.

“So…I might have sent a booty text to Roger last night.”

“You did _what_?” Freddie exclaimed loudly, and then winced, pressing one hand to his temple. “Did he respond? He didn’t come round, did he? Oh my god, did you two have sex last night? In this flat? _Christ_ , please tell me you didn’t fuck on this table—”

“—Of course we didn’t, bloody hell Freddie, what do you take me for?”

Freddie dropped his hand and raised an eyebrow in response. “Do you really want me to answer that? Don’t think I’ve not noticed the way you two have been looking at each other lately.”

“I haven’t been looking at him like anything,” John argued, despite knowing that wasn’t completely true.

Freddie hummed disbelievingly. “Sure. So you haven’t been staring at him like you’ve wanted to fuck his brains out then—”

“— _Freddie_!”

“They always say the truth hurts, darling,” Freddie teased. “So did you? Fuck his brains out?”

John groaned in response, knowing he’d probably turned as pink as he felt. Why did he think it was a good idea telling Freddie about all of this anyway?

“No! For god’s sake! It didn’t get that far.”

“Okay. So…how far _did_ it get?”

“Not far enough for anything to _actually_ happen,” John said as he went back to cradling his cup of coffee. He stared down at the lukewarm liquid disappointedly. “No thanks to me. I kept pulling away. Not because I wasn’t enjoying it. It was just a bit…weird, I guess. Being with him like that. Wanting him like that.”

Freddie gave a sympathetic smile in response. “That’s understandable given your complicated history.”

John sighed heavily in response.

“Do you think you can be physically attracted to someone, and yet at the same time feel absolutely terrified about acting on it and letting things happen?”

“Definitely. I was terrified at the prospect of being intimate with Brian.”

John looked up at Freddie from underneath his eyelashes. “Really?”

“Well, I knew it would be his first time with a man, so I was nervous about that. He’d already said he’d known he was bisexual for a couple of years, but still. It’s sort of a big deal, isn’t it?”

John hummed vaguely in response. He was in the same situation with Roger.

“Plus, I already knew we both had more than just sexual feelings for each other, so there was that pressure for it to be good.” Freddie said as he raised his cup to take a sip. “But then I realised that life isn’t perfect so why should your first time as a couple be any different? Sometimes you just have to pluck up the courage and work at things together, as a couple.”

“So is that what you and Brian did?”

“Essentially, yes,” Freddie said as he put his cup back down. “Don’t tell Brian I said this, but our first time wasn’t that… _amazing_.”

John sighed in response. “I might regret asking this, but what happened?”

He was surprised to realise that he’d not heard the blow by blow account by Freddie before now.

“Well, we tried to plan our first time at first. I’d arranged everything whilst you’d been away at your Mum’s, trying to make it as romantic as possible. It ended up with me drinking too much wine whilst cooking dinner because I was so nervous. Subsequently I burned that dinner, and threw up, whilst Brian held my hair back from the toilet. Needless to say he wasn’t very impressed.”

“I’m not surprised.”

“Then we tried again, a couple of nights later. But it was more spur of the moment. Brian surprised me by coming round, a bunch of flowers in his hand, and we were in bed by the time the main course was served.”

“So it went…better?”

Freddie pursed his lips, taking a moment to think about that.

“Yes and no. It felt good finally being with him like that. It made me realise I wanted to do it again and again. But it took us a while to find a rhythm, and then once we did, Brian kind of…came instantly.”

“ _Oh_. God.”

“Yeah, I know. He was rather embarrassed about it actually. But it was like I said at the time, these things happen occasionally,” Freddie sad lightly. “I took it as a compliment. Clearly, I was so good that Brian just couldn’t handle it. Took him a while to see the funny side though.”

“I bet.”

“You still look worried darling.”

John pursed his lips, tapping his hands softly against the side of his cup. “I just…I worry that’s all. About what will happen. Or what _should_ happen. Whether we’ll end up staying as friends, he’ll eventually move on and I’ll always regret not having the bloody balls to give things a go. Or worst, we’ll try again, it’ll be shit, or I’ll freak out again, and we’ll have ruined what could have been a perfectly good friendship.”

“You said it felt good, right? But you still worry it’ll be shit?”

“Mainly because you said it yourself. It’ll be his first time with someone of the same sex too. It’s a big deal. Plus, I feel like there’s added pressure, given that it sounds as if he’s always secretly liked me. What if all that pining ends up being better than the real thing? What if he regrets it, or realises he’s not as bisexual as he thought? It’s not like he’s got anything to compare it to, has he?”

“But perhaps that’s a good thing. This is just as new for you in some ways. You’ve never considered him as a potential partner up until recently. Who knows? Maybe you’ll have sex and everything will just fall into place. It is known to happen on occasion, you know.”

“Usually not to me, it doesn’t.” John said with a frown. “I didn’t expect you to say all that, you know?”

Freddie smile in response. “No? Expected me to tell you what a mistake I think you’re making, and that you shouldn’t be giving Roger Taylor the time of day?”

“Essentially, yes.”

Freddie sighed, picking up his cup to take another sip. “What good would that do? You obviously feel something for him in the way that you’re fretting over all of this now. And besides, I know how reverse psychology works. If I told you that I thought you should stop seeing him, it would probably make you want to shag his brains out even more. So. I choose to be supportive instead. In the hope that maybe he really can make you happy. That’s all I ever want for you, John.”

John smiled across at Freddie in response. “Thanks Fred.”

“How did you leave things last night anyway?”

“Well…we sort of just agreed that maybe it was better if we stay as friends. For now, at least.”

Freddie nodded, his expression even. “Honestly. I think you’re overthinking this. Maybe you just need to take the reins—so to speak—and get it over with. Obviously, make it a bit more romantic than that, but don’t plan anything. Just hang out, and if the moment feels right, make a move.”

“And if it doesn’t?”

“Then maybe you’re right. Maybe you’re just meant to be really good friends.”

John nodded, fighting the urge not to frown in response. Because there was a part of him, a big part, that didn’t really want that to be true.

-o-

“How long do you reckon it would take before my share of the tips covers the price of a wedding venue on average?”

“Probably a while.”

Brian sighed in response. “I had a feeling you might say that.”

John didn’t look up from where he was cleaning the sink behind the bar. “Well, let’s see. The average tip is around two pounds fifty, so if we receive ten of those a night, that would make twenty five pounds. Multiply that by seven and you’ve got a hundred and seventy five…times that by four, which would make seven hundred in a month. Eight thousand, four hundred in a year. If you divide that between the ten of us working here, it would give you eight hundred and forty pounds. So I reckon you’re looking at a delay of…”

John turned back to see Brian watching him closely, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Three years. At least. If you’re hoping for a decent venue, anyway. Which given that you both want to get married next year isn’t going to be much help.”

Brian frowned in response, still leaning against the bar. “I’m torn between bitter disappointment and being impressed that you managed to figure all that out as fast as you did.”

“I was a geek at school. Maths was my favourite subject,” John admitted with a small smile as he turned the tap off. “Still no luck finding a cheap enough venue, I take it?”

“Not yet. Our parents have offered to pay for the deposit, but even that’s bloody expensive,” Brian admitted glumly. “Who chooses to get married, huh?”

John snorted. “You two apparently. Or didn’t you get the memo?”

“Very funny, Deacy.”

John’s smile widened as he quickly went to serve the family of four that had just walked in.

Their eight hour shift flew by. By the time it went quiet enough for them to have their breaks, they only had a couple of hours left.

John re-joined Brian behind the bar, still chewing on a mint. He paused as he spotted Roger at a nearby table. He was with a man John didn’t recognise. He had olive skin, dark hair, and striking eyes. He was wearing a casual t-shirt and jeans. John noticed how white his teeth were as he laughed at something Roger said. They both already had a drink.

“Who’s that?”

Brian finished wiping the bar and followed John’s line of sight. “Oh, I don’t know. I didn’t recognise him. Maybe he’s on a date or something.”

“ _A date_?” John repeated slightly high-pitched. He cleared his throat as Brian turned to look at him.

“It might not be a date. Roger’s got lots of university friends who I’m not that particularly familiar with.”

John forced a small nod, his gaze still on their table.

Roger looked good. He always did. Admittedly.

He was wearing a dark, fitted t-shirt, and faded blue jeans. His blonde hair was wavy and sleek, and Roger was twirling a strand of it around one of his fingers as he talked.

He looked happy. Which was exactly what he deserved to be.

John suddenly felt sick. He forced his gaze away, biting his lip and blinking back the tears that had suddenly filled his eyes.

“I’m going to check the barrels. I’ll be back in a second.”

He turned away quickly, almost running away to do it. His breathing was laboured by the time he got down to the cellar.

_Ten, nine, eight, seven, six…_

John counted down, breathing in and out on each number, until he eventually felt a little calmer. Then he began to think more rationally.

 _He_ was the one with the problem. Not Roger. Only John had the power to fix things. Or rather change them. The only thing holding them both back was John’s fear. That had to stop. He’d have to be brave. Or at least pretend to be.

He took a deep breath, and forced his feet forwards.

He immediately went to serve two businessmen stood at the bar.

John finished pouring them both a pint and noticed Roger look round. He smiled in his direction, his forehead creased with worry. John forced a tense smile and reluctantly looked away. He almost dropped their change when he looked up and saw Roger laughing at something the guy he was with said. Then he leaned over to touch his arm.

John swallowed thickly, a whirlwind of emotions twisting up inside of himself at the close contact. _Enough was enough_.

He sighed, pulling out his mobile phone from his back pocket.

_Meet me in the men’s bathroom in ten minutes_

He watched Roger tilt his head to look at his phone. He grabbed it, his fingers moving over the screen, before he put it down on the table, and turned back to his friend.

_Ok X_

John scowled. It wasn’t exactly the reaction he’d been hoping for. But at least it wasn’t a _no_.

He finished serving his customers their mains, and then headed back over to the bar. Brian was behind it, grabbing a glass from underneath.

“We’ve just had a customer complain about one of the cubicles in the men’s leaking or something. I thought I’d better check it out. See if we need to get the manager to call someone.”

“That’s not good,” Brian said as he finished pouring a glass of coca cola. “Do you want me to sort it?”

“No, it’s fine, I don’t mind.”

“Okay. If you’re sure.”

John hummed in response, and quickly headed away. He got out his phone and sent another text.

_Heading that way now_

He didn’t get a text back.

John hid himself in one of the cubicles, staring at the framed artwork of a daisy on the bathroom wall. He’d never liked that painting.

It felt like he’d been waiting ages.

 _What am I doing_? He asked himself with a sigh. This wasn’t _him_. He pushed his hair back and decided he probably had his answer.

Maybe he could ask Freddie to set him up again. Maybe not. Maybe he just needed to be single for a—

He heard the men’s door open and close.

“John? John, are you in here?”

Roger squealed as John tugged him inside the cubicle. His eyes widened as John pushed him back against the closed door. He opened his mouth but John quickly dipped his head to kiss him deeply, his hands loose against his shoulders. Roger responded instantly, pulling him tighter against him, and pressing his tongue against his.

John’s hands lowered to the button on his jeans.

“What…what is all this about?” Roger asked breathlessly as John pulled away to lower the zipper.

“Shh.”

Roger frowned. “ _Shh_? Don’t you think we need to talk about—”

John used a hand to cradle against Roger’s face, pulling him back in for another searing kiss. He pulled away to smile at him a little sheepishly.

“Don’t say anything.”

“But John—”

“— _Shh_ ,” John said again, his fingers tracing the waistband of Roger’s underwear. “Just…don’t ruin it. Don’t say anything. Let it happen.”

Roger’s frown deepened as John suddenly spat into his hand. “Let what hap—”

He stopped talking mid-sentence as John used one hand to tug at his underwear enough to get his cock out.

Roger’s head fell back against the door with a strangled groan in response. He began to thrust into his hand, his eyes squeezed shut as he whispered John’s name.

“Is this alright?” John asked, his voice low and rough.

Roger hummed in response. “ _Fuck yes_. Don’t stop.”

John smiled, feeling boldened. Roger gasped as John lowered his lips to his shoulder and sucked on his skin. Then he lifted his head, moving to rest his lips at Roger’s ear. His hand was still around his cock, stroking the length of him slowly but firmly.

“Here’s what I want you to do.”

When Roger didn’t respond, he moved his hand up and traced the tip with his thumb a couple of times.

“Are you listening, Roger?”

Roger moaned loudly as John pulled his foreskin back lightly.

“Roger?”

“Yes! _Fucking_ …shit, yes,” Roger replied, his voice slightly shrill.

“I want you to go and make your excuses to your date. Then I want you to meet me back at my flat in twenty minutes.” John whispered against his ear. Roger whined as his hand sped-up slightly, and he increased the pressure of his hand along his length. “If you’re lucky I might let you fuck me. Or I could fuck you. If you want.”

“ _Yes_! Yes, I want all of that,” Roger moaned. He took a shaky breath, staring up at John behind heavy eyelids. “God, I want you. I do. B-but I thought—”

John pressed a finger to his lips. “None of that matters. Meet me at mine, okay?”

Roger hummed again in response. He used a hand to steady John’s arm. Then he parted his lips and took John’s finger in his mouth. He looked at him from underneath his eyelashes as he swirled his tongue around it, and then sucked lightly.

Heat immediately pooled low in John’s gut at the image. It made him wonder how good Roger would be at sucking something else entirely. He leaned forwards, resting his forehead against Roger’s with a low groan at the thought.

He was unbelievably aroused already. A part of him was still a little worried about how quickly they were taking things. But that was miniscule in relation to how much John found himself wanting this.

Roger released his finger, his hands delving into the sides of John’s hair to whisper into his ear. “Just imagine how much better it’d feel if it was your cock.”

John drew a shaky breath in response, feeling like his insides had turned to jelly as Roger’s lips landed back on his. Then Roger made a noise, virtually a sob, as John tucked his cock back into his underwear and pulled away.

Roger looked even more beautiful like this. His face flushed, his gaze all soft and wanting, and the way he was already breathless with need.

It made John feel incredible.

It took everything to pull back from his warm embrace.

He pressed one last kiss to his lips and softly tugged Roger out of the way of the door. Then he winked at him.

“See you in a bit.”

His smile widened at the way Roger watched him leave, all doe-eyed and pretty.

John wiped his hands across the front of his trousers as he headed back towards the bar. He wasn’t altogether quite sure where any of that had come from. It was totally out of character.

All he knew was that John liked how confident he felt. How in control he was of the situation. In a way, he wasn’t sure he’d been before. He usually relied on the other person to make the first move. But now it was as if the thought of Roger moving on, had finally spurred him into action. It left John with a smile on his face, and an excitable feeling building at the thought of where that could all lead.

“Fixed it. One of the screws was loose in the back of the toilet, that’s all.”

“Ahh, I see,” Brian replied as he finished cutting up more lemons. “I guess it’s lucky you were around to err… _fix_ the problem.”

John frowned in response, but Brian seemed too focused on what he was doing to notice.

“Anyway, I’m going to head off if that’s alright? Something’s come up with erm…with my Mum. Something…completely avoidable. You can handle this place until Lucy comes in, can’t you?”

Brian nodded quickly. “Yeah, of course I can. I can’t see it being a problem. I doubt it’ll get any busier before later tonight.”

“Brilliant. Thanks, Brian.”

“No problem. Hope the err…situation with your Mum isn’t too serious.”

Brian raised his eyebrows expectantly.

“No, no, nothing too serious. Nothing I can’t handle,” John said vaguely.

Just before he slipped away into the staffroom to grab his things, he heard Brian mumble something that sounded like _I bet you can_.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHHHH. IT HAPPENED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
> 
> John actually gave him a handie in the men's toilets lol.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed that! I certainly enjoyed writing it haha. I felt so proud of my baby being all confident and in control of the situation. Anyway, let me know your thoughts! And I shall try and make time to update again this Friday.
> 
> Have a good week! <3


	20. Can't You See That I Love You Pretty Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger's POV
> 
> There's a flashback of Roger capturing John changing after PE, and the consequences John faces from telling the teacher about Steven's escalating bullying...
> 
> Then it's back to the present time, where Roger is reacting to John's surprising proposal in the previous chapter...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATING: SMUT, SMUT, AND MORE SMUT! And a bit of swearing and homophobic language thrown in, courtesy of the idiots who goes by the name of Roger's school friends, but only in the beginning.

_Steven’s voice blurred into the background as Roger turned to see John stepping out of his PE shorts. He only had his underwear left on. Roger’s gaze trailed across John’s slim body, over the strong planes of his chest, and his flat stomach. Across the subtle trace of dark hair that had Roger inevitably licking his lips in response._

_“You coming Rog? Leave the fag to it, shall we?”_

_Roger noticed Jamie staring at him questioningly. The rest of them had already left the changing room._

_“Yeah, I’m coming.”_

_John looked up to see Roger staring._

_Roger quickly turned away, feeling himself growing pinker. He prayed that John hadn’t been able to guess what he was thinking._

_He wasn’t doing anything wrong. He was only looking. It was natural to be curious about other boys bodies. Right? He followed the group to their next lesson, feeling glad at least that Steven hadn’t caught him staring at John like that. Even still, he recognised that he needed to be more careful._

_That was easier said than done when Steven refused to leave John alone._

_Steven did a lap of the school and headed back towards the boys changing room. The others followed him uncertainly. He looked back at them with a lopsided smirk._

_“Follow my lead. I’ve got a plan.”_

_Roger had already decided that he didn’t like where this would inevitably lead. But he knew that if he didn’t follow, he’d be accused of being weak again. Or worst, was Steven’s threat. Still on repeat in his mind from the other month._

**_If I ever found out there was someone else at this school who was a fucking faggot like him, I’d probably burn him too…_ **

_The truth was, Roger really was weak. He couldn’t cope with being bullied. Couldn’t cope with what John went through virtually on a daily basis. He’d endured too many beatings from his father. He’d do anything not to have to go through it all again._

_Roger lingered to the side of the bathroom, on lookout, as John saw them and attempted to run back into the bathroom cubicle._

_Steven was quicker._

_He grabbed hold of the back of John’s neck and shoved him closer towards the toilet seat._

_All of this was so wrong. With every day that passed, Steven’s tirade was gradually worsening and Roger feared what he might do next._

_He’d already burned John with a cigarette, beat him up, and now he was about to flush his head down the toilet._

_Roger felt helpless. Torn between wanting to help, and frightened about what the consequences of doing so might be._

_“This is what you get. For telling the teacher on us like the pathetic grass you are.”_

_“No, no, please. I’m sorry! Please—”_

_“—Too late!”_

_Roger turned away, pinching the inside of his arm hard as he was forced to listen to the sound of John struggling and begging for it all to stop._

_That day plagued his mind for a long time afterwards. The fear on John’s face, the tears in his eyes._

_He’d cry himself to sleep night after night, praying to a god that might not even exist to make it all stop. Either that, or for his life to be over. Just so he didn’t have to endure seeing John so tormented…_

-o-

The sight of John, all wide eyed and dominating was burned into his brain in the best way. Roger’s hands itched to take his cock back out of his underwear there and then. But it wouldn’t be the same. Not after he’d had the pleasure of John’s hand.

He groaned, his head falling back against the door as he took deep, steadying breaths. He focused on the painting of a wilting daisy on the wall, finding it a strange choice for a toilet cubicle. Eventually, his semi faded enough that he could comfortably do up the zipper and button of his jeans.

He bumped straight into Brian on the way out of the toilets. Roger stumbled over his big feet, almost going flying.

“Bloody hell Brian! Where’s the fire?”

“Oh sorry!”

Roger watched him take off the _OUT OF ORDER_ sign that was hung on the Men’s bathroom door.

“Out of order? They’re fine, aren’t—”

He stopped talking as he took in the way that Brian was smiling at him.

“Figured you and John would probably prefer the privacy. You’re welcome, by the way.”

Roger shrugged, feigning innocence as he followed Brian. “I don’t know what you’re talking about mate. I needed a piss, that’s all.”

“Uh-huh, sure. You needed the loo at virtually the exact same time that John tells me one of the men’s cubicle’s supposedly starts leaking.”

“Stranger things have happened, Brian.”

“Yes, like the panic in 1910 over _Halley’s Comet_ , I’m sure.”

Roger whipped his head round to frown at Brian in response. He was always coming out with random things like that. But then he shook his head, and realised that wasn’t important right now. Not when John had gone back to his flat, with the promise of sex still ringing in Roger’s ears…

He shivered in response, deciding this conversation with Brian could definitely wait the course of the night…thereabouts.

“Whatever. The point is, me and John crossing paths in that toilet was purely coincidental and entirely innocent.”

Brian suddenly stopped walking, and turned back to look at Roger. His gaze slipped from his face. “You know I might find that more believable if it wasn’t for the fact that your zipper’s still hanging low.”

Roger rushed to look, and immediately cursed when he saw that it was still done up. “Hilarious Brian!”

“Merely making a point, mate.” Brian said with a roll of his eyes as he headed for the bar.

Roger resorted to glaring into his back as he went back to his table. He gave his best apologetic smile when Jacob looked up to see him grab his jacket.

“I’m so sorry Jacob mate, I’ve got to rush off. Something’s just come up with my erm…my friend. He’s having a really bad time at the moment.”

His friend frowned in response, concern in his eyes. Roger felt a smidge of guilt. But he reasoned that needs must, particularly when it came to John.

“Oh shit, sorry mate.”

“It’s nothing too serious, but I’d better go and see if he’s alright. But erm…we’ll catch up next week, yeah? Go through that other essay Carrigan’s set us. I still can’t get my head around the last question. About _peroxisomes_ , and their roles in the human body.”

Jacob groaned in response. “Oh, I know man. I don’t understand any of the questions that they’ve set us.”

Roger gave a small chuckle as he pulled his hair out from underneath the collar of his jacket. “Glad it’s not just me. Take care, mate.”

“Yeah, and you, Rog.”

By the time Roger got to John’s flat, his heart was hammering. It probably hadn’t helped that he’d strode almost all the way there. His face was flushed, and he was practically bouncing with anticipation at the thought of why he was there.

He wanted this. Wanted everything that came with taking this step forwards.

He felt a flutter of excitement at the thought of just being able to kiss John again. Let alone anything else.

John answered the door in less than thirty seconds. Roger’s gaze trailed over his black embroidered t-shirt and the obvious swell in his dark jeans. He licked his lips, slowly looking back up to find John raising a brow questioningly at him.

“You coming in then or are you just going to stand there staring at me all day?”

Then he smiled, his eyes lighting up in a way that had Roger instantly stumbling through the doorway with less gracefulness than he intended to. “Definitely the first option.”

“I was hoping you’d say that,” John said softly as he shut the door.

He turned back to watch Roger finish hanging his jacket up. His eyes were slightly wide, his cheeks flushed pleasantly. “Hi.”

Roger smiled, reaching for the loopholes on John’s jeans to tug his body towards him. He let his lips ghost over John’s briefly. “Hey you.”

John kissed him back firmly, his hands winding around his waist. Roger made a noise of surprise as John’s hands suddenly pressed themselves over the curve of his bum. John pulled back to give him a coy smile.

“Just what I thought. You do have a peachy arse.”

Roger narrowed his eyes suspiciously in response. “Oh yeah? You been checking out my arse, have you Deacy?”

“All the time.” John said without no real sense of shame. Roger was glad. “Come on.”

With that, John took his hand and pulled him in the direction of his room.

It was slightly darker than Roger remembered it being. The curtains were shut, and fairy lights were lit above the bed and dressing table, casting an eerie, dim glow. There was also faint music in the background, which Roger recognised as some kind of slow soul track.

John’s hand slipped from his as he walked backwards into his room, a hint of a smile on his face. Roger stared, transfixed.

“I hope your date wasn’t too disappointed that you had to leave.”

Roger barely heard the words as he watched John pull his t-shirt over his head and drop it to the floor. His gaze moved over John’s body, over the lean muscle and trail of dark hair against his smooth skin.

“Date? What date?”

John rolled his eyes, his hands moving to the front of his jeans as he spoke. “The one you were on at the pub. Or has half a rushed hand-job from me caused you to forget about him already?”

“Huh?” Roger said, still too preoccupied with watching John undress himself. “That wasn’t a date.”

John’s hand stilled over the zipper of his jeans, his forehead creased. “You said it was. Brian even said it was.”

“What?” Roger blinked uncertainly. He shook his head lightly, trying to clear the fog from his brain a little. “No. Jacob’s a mate, that’s all. He’s in my Biology classes. He offered to buy us both a drink whilst we talked about this essay we’ve got to hand in soon.”

John looked even more confused. Roger itched to kiss away his frown.

“But I even asked you to make your excuses to your date. When we were in the toilet.”

“Did you? To be fair, I was a bit more preoccupied with the fact that you had your hand around my cock.”

John’s expression smoothed over. Then he turned slightly pink—and looked more than a little adorable in Roger’s opinion. “ _Oh_.”

Roger bit back a smile, putting two and two together. “Is that what all that was about? You were jealous?”

John huffed, as he crossed his arms over his chest. “No. Far from it actually.”

“I think you were. I think you were _so_ jealous by the idea of me being on a date with another man that it made you…what was the words you used in that text the other day. Oh yeah, that was it…it made you want me to _bang you like my drums_. Am I right?”

John narrowed his eyes, watching Roger step further into the room. “Don’t be a dick about it, otherwise I’ll just tell you to get lost.”

Roger pursed his lips, fighting back a smile as he paused in front of John. “Alright. Let me repeat another of our texts—”

John groaned, letting his arms fall back to his side, and stepping back from Roger. “I’ve changed my mind. Fuck off—”

“—I don’t want anyone else, which means there’s no point going on a date with somebody else. _I just want you_.”

John hesitated, letting Roger pull him forwards by his hand. Enough for Roger’s mouth to rest against the shell of his ear. “It’s always been you, John. I see that now.”

Roger let John pull back enough to look at his face, wanting him to see the sincerity in his expression. It seemed to be enough.

John’s lips crashed into his, kissing him firmly enough to make Roger feel slightly dizzy. He lightly pushed John in the direction of the bed, practically pinning John down onto it, in his haste to move things along.

John’s laughter was music to his ears as Roger’s lips descended, kissing every bit of exposed skin he could get to. He was encouraged by John’s hands, tangling in the back of his hair, and the hum of pleasure he made as he softly sucked John’s nipple.

“Anyone…would think…you’re eager.” John gasped, his hips rising from the bed as Roger began to tug at the hem of his jeans.

“Eager to get the guy I’ve had a crush on for years naked? _Nah_. Not really.”

John laughed again, the sweetest sound, as Roger pulled his jeans down his legs. They were so tight that Roger had to roll them off inside out, and John raised a brow in response.

Roger narrowed his eyes warningly. “Behave Deacy.”

“I didn’t say a word.”

“Hmm, you didn’t have to. Your eyes said enough for you,” Roger said, trying to keep his tone playful, despite feeling as if his face was on fire, his cheeks red with embarrassment.

Because he didn’t want to fuck this up.

This would be Roger’s first time with a bloke. But he still didn’t want John thinking that he didn’t know what he was doing.

He dropped the jeans to the floor, still bracketed by John’s lean legs. His hands traced patterns up them. Then they paused against his thighs as John smiled shyly up at him.

“I still think somebody’s too dressed.”

“Only one way to solve that then.”

John sat up instantly, his dark hair wild about his shoulders.

 _The sexiest vision_ , Roger thought mildly.

John leaned forwards and undid the button and zipper of Roger’s jeans. Then he tugged them down over his thighs and raised his eyebrows expectantly at Roger. “ _Off_.”

Roger chuckled in response as he climbed back off the bed. He kept his gaze on John as he tugged them over his legs.

“So demanding. I like it.”

John watched him step out of his jeans and lift his top over his head too.

“Do you now? I’ll keep that in mind.”

Roger shivered at the look John was giving him. He responded by climbing straight back into his lap.

He hissed as John started grinding against him. His fingers clasped at John’s shoulders. The pleasure was so intense, it made the room spin slightly. He hardened rapidly at the feeling of John straining against him through their underwear.

It made his mouth run dry to know that he wanted this just as much. To know this was really going to happen.

John would finally be _his_.

Roger whined in response, pulling him back in for a kiss. It was so hasty, he only caught John’s bottom lip at first. And then, they came together again, their tongues meeting, their breathing laboured.

It was by far the hottest kiss Roger had ever had.

He gasped, pulling away to rest his forehead against John’s, his eyes squeezed shut. “You’re killing me, I swear.”

“Just imagine how much better it’d feel if I was really fucking you.”

Roger sucked in a sharp breath, immediately picturing himself spread across the bed for John’s taking. He moaned in response and began to move a little more hastily in John’s lap.

He lowered his head to skim his teeth against John’s neck, up to his ear, where he whispered against his skin. _Please_.

In less than a second, John had them shifting positions. With Roger on his back, and John hovering over him.

Roger openly stared, taking in the way his dark hair framed his face beautifully.

John dipped his head, sucking kisses into Roger’s skin, whilst his hands tugged at the waistband of Roger’s underwear. He tugged them over his legs and off, before reaching for a bottle on his nightstand, and quickly moving back to touch him.

Roger’s head fell back against the pillow, his mind blank. All he could focus on was the overwhelming feeling of John’s warm hand, lathering the lube against his length, and sending tingles across the whole of his body.

It was dizzying.

Better than his hand. Better than any girl he’d ever been with.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Roger cursed aloud as John watched him from under his dark eyelashes as he began to use both hands. “ _Fuck_ , that feels so good.”

John smiled slightly as Roger tugged him forwards, a heavy look in his eyes. He kissed him, silencing himself against John’s lips, as he began to move a little quicker over Roger’s cock.

He’d never known pleasure like it. Already, it was so good. But Roger didn’t want it to be over yet.

He moved, his lips hovering over the shell of John’s ear, enjoying the way he shuddered in response.

“Your turn, Deacs.”

Roger barely recognised his voice. It had grown much deeper, and was husky, filled with the kind of longing Roger had only fantasised about.

John slowly pulled away to lift himself off of the bed. He had a shy smile on his face as he tugged his underwear over his hips and down his legs.

Roger forgot to breath for a moment. It was like he couldn’t look away.

He’d spent so many years secretly imagining this moment, but he hadn’t done John justice.

He eagerly drank in each aspect of his body. He really was beautiful. In _every_ way.

“If you’re going to sit there ogling, you could at least touch me whilst you do it,” John teased, moving back to sit between his legs.

Roger sat up immediately, suddenly impatient to have his hands on him. He reached for the bottle on John’s beside table. Then he moved his hand between John’s legs.

John moaned softly, one hand gripping Roger’s shoulder.

Roger’s heart pounded faster at the look on John’s face. The obvious pleasure in his eyes. He felt a swell of pride at the fact that it was caused by _his_ hand.

He stroked the length of him, lathering the lube against him in the same way John had done to him. He was encouraged by the way John arched forwards into his hand.

Still, Roger’s insecurities nagged at the back of his mind.

“Is it…am I doing alright? Am I being firm enough?”

John nodded as his eyes fluttered closed, and his teeth dragged against his bottom lip.

“ _So good_. Faster, Rog.”

Roger complied instantly.

John’s head dropped against Roger’s shoulder, moaning loudly as Roger switched the angle and stroked him down to the base.

Roger listened to his reactions, trying to focus. He wanted to memorise what John liked, metaphorically jot down what caused the most prettiest sounds.

But then John began to stroke Roger’s cock again, and his mind was wiped clean once more.

He stared with bleary eyes as John eventually pulled back to smile questioningly, with one hand still curled around Roger’s cock. Roger noticed vaguely that his own hand had fallen to fist against the duvet.

“Huh?”

That time John did smile, a breath-taking grin that made Roger’s chest feel like it had something heavy pressed against it, as John leaned forwards to connect their lips again, just for a moment.

“I asked if you wanted me to fuck you. Or you to fuck me.”

Both sounded equally appealing, especially with John’s hand still slowly moving against him. It was difficult for Roger to focus on the question. His brain felt all fuzzy and sluggish. He swallowed thickly and tried to find his voice. “Erm… _fuck me_.”

“Literally or figuratively?”

Roger made a noise of complaint as John pulled his hand away to reach for the bottle again.

“It might hurt, at first. Given it’s your first time.”

Roger snorted in response. “First time with another _man_.”

“Oh yeah? Had some kinky girlfriends in the past, have you?”

“Not quite,” Roger confessed, pursing his lips to fight a smile as he watched John open the lid of the bottle. “I feel no shame in admitting I masturbated quite a lot when I was a teenager. Mostly whilst thinking about you. Then I started getting curious. Wondered what it’d feel like to have your fingers inside me…and your cock.”

John’s gaze seemed to darken further as he got Roger to move onto his stomach. He pressed a pillow underneath Roger’s knees, whilst littering kisses to his back, his hand tracing the curve of his spine.

“Oh yeah? Imagined that a lot, did you?”

Roger steadied himself with his hands against the headboard. “Virtually daily—”

He cut himself off as John’s fingers began massaging his opening. It felt slightly strange at first, but Roger concentrated on the way John was still pressing kisses against his back instead. Once he’d relaxed a little more, John began to press a finger inside of him.

It stung a little, but only at first.

Roger focused on his breathing, on the warmth of John’s lips across his skin. It didn’t take him long to get comfortable.

John began to move his finger in and out, slowly at first. Before gradually adding more fingers.

Soon enough, Roger was whining loudly, grinding back onto John’s fingers incessantly, both of his hands gripping the edge of the headboard.

 _“Please, please, please_ ,” Roger cried, over and over again.

“Please what, Roger?” John asked softly, his lips ghosting his shoulder, his fingers continuing to move in and out of him deftly.

“ _Fuck me_!” Roger groaned out a little desperately as John’s fingers once again made contact with his prostate. Roger could only think how incredible it felt already. How much he couldn’t wait to experience it all. “God, I want you so bad!”

He felt John shudder against him as he pressed one last kiss to his skin, before he gradually pulled away. “Alright. Seems as though you begged so sweetly.”

Roger turned his head enough to see John reach over to grab something from inside his bedside table drawer. His heart began to beat faster when he realised what it was.

Heat pooled in his gut as John rolled it on himself. Roger watched him bite his lip, stifling a groan as he stroked himself a couple of times, using some of the lube to coat it. Then he seated himself just outside of Roger, his hands gentle against his hips. “Alright?”

Roger nodded, arching back against him in answer. He inhaled a little sharply as John began to push forwards, entering him one bit at a time. When he was fully inside of him, he stilled, giving Roger time to get used to the feeling as he softly brushed his hair back from his face. “Still good?”

“Better than,” Roger moaned. “Move. _Please_. Move.”

To make his point, he arched forwards…and then grinded back more fully onto John’s cock, making them both groan in response.

Encouraged, John began to move. Roger followed his rhythm, though their bodies took a couple of minutes to sync up properly.

It didn’t matter. It was like nothing Roger had experienced.

His fingernails dug into the wood of the headboard as John started to speed up, gradually beginning to slam into him more determinedly.

Roger didn’t think he’d ever experienced pleasure like it. Not on this level.

He felt almost dizzy, it was so intense. He never wanted it to stop.

Their heavy moans and the sound of skin on skin filled the room, broken only by the banging of the headboard against the wall every now and then.

Roger called John’s name over and over again, blind with need. His cock was throbbing, desperate to be touched. He could have cried when John’s hand wound around his waist and began to stroke him again.

His teeth scraped over Roger’s back, lightly, before John was eventually pulling back.

“Turn over.”

Roger swallowed thickly, immediately grinding back as John pulled out. Then he blinked, realising what John had said.

He shoved the pillow out of the way and moved onto his back. John’s green eyes were watching him closely, heavy with longing, as he hoisted Roger’s legs around his waist. He gave a sheepish smile as he lined himself up and began to push back inside of Roger.

“Alright?” John asked breathlessly.

Roger moaned at the feel of him, using a hand to cradle John’s face, tilting it forwards so that he could kiss him. John took that as his answer and began to arch into Roger again.

It was too much.

Now that Roger could see him, see his beautiful face, his broad shoulders, the firm planes of his body. He doubted there was anything more sinfully mesmerising than the image of John, cheeks flushed and panting, his dark hair wild about his face, thrusting into Roger with a quick determinedness.

It was all just _too much_.

Roger had imagined this moment a thousand times. But never had John looked quite so hypnotic. Never had he believed it would all feel so fucking incredible or intense.

He’d spent years being frightened to admit that he wanted this, more than anything. Now, he couldn’t possibly understand why he’d fought it so much. He’d forgotten about everything else. All he could focus on was the here and now. How sure he was that he’d never get enough of this. Of John. Of being with him like _this_.

The pace began to build, John arching into him more firmer. Roger’s hands gripped John’s clammy back as the pleasure mounted, threatening to overwhelm them both.

John changed the angle slightly, pressing against Roger’s prostate more firmly with every stroke. Until Roger was barely coherent, moaning loudly against John’s ear, and calling God’s name far more than he ever remembered doing in the few years that his father made him attend church to ‘ _cast the devil out of him_ ’.

So much for that plan.

“ _John_ ,” Roger whined as John’s hand sped up around him. “I’m goinna’—”

He cut himself off with another moan, his fingertips digging into his skin. John groaned in response, his hand tightening slightly around Roger’s cock.

His voice was hoarse, his tone shaky as he replied. “ _Hmm_ …me too.”

He gasped as Roger lurched forwards, biting his earlobe softly, before whispering huskily into his ear.

“Let go, yeah? _Uhnn_ … _god_ …wanna’ feel you come inside me.”

Roger’s words whispered huskily against his ear, seemed to be John’s ruin. He groaned again, biting Roger’s shoulder lightly as he thrust forwards one last time, and stilled inside of him.

Roger made a noise at the back of his throat at the feel of John pulsing inside of him. The pleasure of it all was so incredible, it took his breath away, and he came seconds after.

Eventually, only the sounds of their heavy breathing could be heard.

He winced as John began to pull out. He felt kind of sore, but in the best way possible. Roger watched him toss the condom into the bin next to the bed. He moved enough to grab a tissue for them both, and then he was back.

They stayed like that for a while, pressed together as they caught their breath back.

Roger used his hands to lightly trace John’s skin, desperate for him to stay there as long as possible.

Eventually, John’s head tilted enough to kiss Roger on the lips, sweetly, gently, and in a way that had Roger’s arms tightening around him. But John still began to draw away, the slightest smile on his face. “Alright?”

Roger smiled back. He couldn’t stop it even if he wanted to. “Better than. You?”

“Definitely.”

John laid down besides him, turning on his side so that he could look back at him.

“How do you feel?”

“Thoroughly fucked. In a _really_ good way.”

John laughed in response, the sound warm and contagious, instantly making Roger smile wider.

“Good,” John sighed, reaching out a hand to draw circles over Roger’s hip. “That was really… _something_ , wasn’t it? Considering it was our first time. Or at least, it was for me. Usually it takes a while to get used to each other’s bodies and rhythm and whatever. That just felt…well, completely natural.”

“I know, I was thinking the same thing,” Roger grinned, tugging John’s hand up to his lips so that he could kiss his knuckles. “I mean, it was incredible. Totally natural like you said. I reckon it’s a sign. That we should have been doing this ages ago. Clearly it was meant to be.”

“Meant to be, huh?”

“Absolutely,” Roger said, drawing his arms back round John’s neck and pressing himself closer. “At the very least, I think we should be using every moment to make up for lost time.”

John’s grin was quickly replaced with Roger’s lips as he surged forwards to kiss him again.

They went no further than exchanging a few kisses and touches. Sharing breathy giggles and heated looks in between.

But that was more than enough for Roger. He already felt as if he was flying, he was so giddy. He got up to use the bathroom a little while later. He found himself practically skipping on his way back. He felt as if he could spit fire or sing at the top of his lungs, he was so happy. For the first time in possibly forever, he felt good. Content. Satisfied. And it was all thanks to John.

Roger found him in the same position as he pottered back into the room. He openly stared as he pushed the door shut with his foot.

The duvet was pulled up to his waist. His fluffy hair was still a little wayward, his creamy skin just slightly flushed. He had a hint of a smile on his lips, and his green eyes were practically sparkling underneath the dim glow of the fairy lights.

Roger wanted to memorise this moment.

A satisfied, spent John curled up in bed was honestly a masterpiece waiting to be drawn.

“So I’m hoping I’ve done enough to earn a sleepover. The thought of leaving your gorgeous, naked side might actually break my heart.”

John rolled his eyes as Roger headed back over to him.

“I suppose you can stay. But only if you plan on making it a habit of walking around the flat naked.”

“I can agree to that,” Roger smiled as he slipped under the covers. “Only if you will too—”

John gasped as Roger tucked himself against his side, and Roger pulled back immediately, his eyes wide. “What is it?”

“ _Fuck_ , you’re cold!”

Roger was so relieved that he couldn’t stop a small giggle from escaping. “Sorry. I didn’t even think. Hang on, let me warm myself up.”

He breathed between his hands, then used them to try and warm the rest of him up. Once he’d gotten used to the warmth of the covers, he curled up against John’s side again.

“Better?”

“Hmm, better,” John replied sleepily, his arm slipping around his waist.

The two of them were just about to doze off when Roger’s stomach chose that exact moment to give a loud growl.

John pulled away to look at him. “Was that your stomach?”

Roger hid his face against John’s throat in response. “Erm…maybe. I might have ran out of time to eat something this afternoon.”

He didn’t mention how he could barely afford to eat in _The Alchemist_. That hadn’t stopped him from suggesting they go there. Despite how uncertainly the other night had ended, he still found himself desperate to bump into John again.

Roger was glad he had now.

John laughed in response, pressing a kiss to the top of Roger’s head. “Come on. I’ll go and cook us something.”

Roger sat atop of the kitchen worktop, feet dangling, as he watched John root through the fridge.

John had given him a t-shirt and pyjama shorts to wear, just in case Freddie suddenly came through the front door.

With John distracted, it gave Roger the chance to pull the edge of the t-shirt up to sniff discreetly. It smelt of amber and sandalwood, the latter was similar to John’s lovely aftershave which Roger had smelt in the past.

“How does…teriyaki prawns and…broccoli noodles sound?”

Roger hummed in response. “Heavenly Deacy!”

They sat down to eat at the kitchen table. Roger resisted the urge to wolf it all in one go, not wanting to look a pig. Instead, he made idle conversation as he ate.

“Have you always cooked, John? Because my god, your food is amazing.”

John finished chewing before he replied. “Pretty much. Mum’s always worked a lot. It was the only way we could afford to live in Cornwall. So I learned to help her out. Then it started to become a hobby. Well, that and I liked fixing things up around the house. Which turned into both a blessing and a curse because I was always pulling things apart. Mum used to worry I was going to end up electrocuting myself.”

“But of course you didn’t. Because you’re very smart.”

“Right answer,” John grinned. “Keep up with that and I may just reward you for good behaviour.”

Roger knew he was just teasing him. Even still, a comment like that gave him ideas.

“I definitely like the sound of that,” Roger said lightly. “That reminds me. I don’t think I’ve ever asked you how you came about moving to Cornwall. Did your Mum get a job down there or something?”

Roger noticed how John’s smile seemed to tighten, just a little.

“Well…something like that. My Dad had just died. Mum was still grieving, and she wanted a change. Then she got a job as a porter at the hospital which abled her to slowly work her way up using her degree, and then the rest was history, I guess.”

Roger nodded, his gaze flickering over John’s face as he continued to eat. Giving Roger the confidence to ask.

“Do you still miss him? Your Dad?”

John offered a weak shrug in response. “Sometimes. I miss the idea of him not being around. He’s been gone from my life just as long as he was in it. Plus, it’s weird as I don’t have any memories of him. They all kind of got erased when he died.”

Roger gave him a look of sympathy in response. “That’s a shame.”

“I guess I don’t really know any different.”

Roger hummed in response, noticing the look in John’s eyes. He decided to change the subject, in case John didn’t feel comfortable talking about it. Or make him feel awkward. Roger could understand more than most how it felt to have memories he didn’t want to relive.

“Well luckily for me, Brian knows enough cooking to get by for the both of us. Think he learned like you. His parents worked a lot too. I honestly think I’d have gotten food poisoning already if it wasn’t for him.”

John laughed in response. “I’m sure you’re not _that_ bad.”

Roger gave a wry smile. “Deacy, you do remember me telling you about the time I nearly set fire to the kitchen whilst trying to boil an egg, right?”

“Okay, so maybe you’re a bit of a liability. But I’m sure if you were shown how to cook certain things, you’d know enough to get by.”

“Maybe. I think I’d still rather pay to have you or Brian cook for me for the rest of my life.”

John finished his mouthful of food, a contemplative look on his face. “I guess I could be persuaded to swap sexual favours in return for me cooking for you.”

Roger grinned instantly. “Now _that_ I can work with.”

John laughed again in response, swirling his noodles onto his fork.

Afterwards, they curled up on the sofa, watching a repeat of _Friends_.

Roger was laid between John’s legs, his head on his stomach, stroking John’s arms that were around his neck. John was twirling Roger’s hair between his fingers idly.

Roger turned around as it cut to a break and caught John’s eyes slipping closed and his head lolling forwards. He smiled, gently brushing John’s hair back from his face, and John blinked heavily in response.

“Come on. Let’s go to bed, love.”

“I’m fine,” John sighed, voice thick with sleep. “We can watch the end of this first.”

“We can watch it tomorrow. Besides everybody’s seen every episode of friends already.”

“Hmm, but…I’m not sleepy.”

“Course you’re not,” Roger chuckled, pressing kisses to John’s face. “I bet you was a right stubborn kid when it came to bedtime. But listen, wouldn’t you rather cuddle up with me in bed? Where we can watch the rest of this on your laptop, and then fall asleep under the covers?”

When John didn’t initially answer, Roger looked up to find John’s eyelids drooping again. John gave a defeated smile in response.

“Come on then.”

John was asleep before Roger had even turned the laptop on.

Roger slipped into bed besides him, pressing a kiss to his cheek, and resting his head against his chest. He let John’s calm, even breathing lull him gradually into a peaceful slumber.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO IT FINALLY HAPPENED! OMG!
> 
> What did you all think lol?
> 
> *Fights the urge to hide behind a tree*
> 
> REALLY hope the smut was good! I'm never very good at writing intense stuff like that, so I hope I managed to get the mood and everything right.
> 
> Anyway PLEASE let me know your thoughts on the chapter as I know I say it every time, but I honestly love reading them all. Let me know your theories on what might happen next or what you think SHOULD happen, and I'll get round to reading them asap. I'm still playing catch up lol.
> 
> Have a good week, and I'll try and update again on Friday, if not, latest will be next Monday! Stay safe people!
> 
> P.S I'm talking to a really lovely girl, who's incredibly pretty and is texting me back as much as I'm texting her back, so fingers crossed, things go smoother this time! :) <3


	21. And Ol' Time Don't Ever Stop Tickin' Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JOHN'S POV
> 
> Flashback to John's trip to Bournemouth in his last year of school. Then the chapter goes back to the present time, with John waking up in bed besides Roger, and remembering the events of the night before...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATING: For swearing, homophobic language, violence, and scenes of smut. Ooh yeah baby! Hahaha.

_“Hey John,” Holly cooed as he made his way into the classroom. She was watching him from her seat at the back whilst curling a strand of hair around her finger._

_He gave a shy smile in response._

_She’d been acting kind of…weird around him lately. Weirder than normal anyway._

_He’d begun to notice a few days after Halloween. She’d rushed over to congratulate him on winning the three hundred metre sprinting event. Then she’d leaned in and given him a long hug and kiss on the cheek, whilst the two girls—she was with—had giggled behind her._

_They’d been best friends once. Him, Lewis and Holly. The three of them against the world. Now it seemed like she wanted to be a little more than that, and John wasn’t sure how to feel about it._

_He wasn’t blind. She was pretty, he heard all the boys say so. And it wasn’t the first time she’d flirted with him. The problem was that he’d not considered her like that before. If he was being honest, his focus had always been on Lewis. But perhaps he needed to start thinking differently. He wanted to be normal. To at least try to enjoy the attention for a change, like Lewis seemed to with Charlotte._

_His stomach lurched at the thought._

_“Hey Holly.”_

_“Are you sitting with anyone on the coach?”_

_“Erm…I don’t really know. I’ve not given it much thought,” he replied as he sat down at the table next to hers._

_“Sit with me then. We can talk about the football scores from the weekend.”_

_He only just managed to fight back a smirk in response._

_Holly Chambers used to roll her eyes all the time when Lewis and John talked about the football in front of her. She’d spend hours complaining about how boring it was. Lately, it seemed like she’d started adopting a liking for it to fit in with the lads at school._

_“Okay.”_

_It took John half the coach journey to regret telling his Mum about the overnight trip to Bournemouth. She’d been all for it. She’d been so sure it was what he needed to have a bit of fun for a change. Fat chance of that, with Steven sat behind him, making constant snide remarks about his sexuality._

_But it wasn’t just that._

_He was also sat beside Holly, who had spent the whole journey laughing at almost everything John said. Regardless of whether it was even funny or not._

_Then there was Lewis._

_Sat across the walkway, exchanging kisses with Charlotte._

_So it was fair to say that John was fed-up of being on the tiny, claustrophobic coach already._

_Made worst by the fact that he was also hungry, and bored._

_He wanted to escape. To another school, another town, another county. But instead, he was stuck there, on a school trip he didn’t really want to be on in the first place._

_So when Steven cornered him in the hallway of the hotel they’d be staying at that same afternoon, it was fair to say that John was ready for a fight._

_“Fucking let him go, he’s done nothing wrong!” Holly exclaimed as Steven shoved John against the wall, a vicious look in his eyes._

_John stayed quiet, knowing that Steven only liked it more when he begged. He refused to give any of them the satisfaction anymore. Not if he could help it._

_“Shut up Holly!” Steven shouted in response._

_The others held her back as she tried to step forwards and help._

_Steven looked at Roger expectantly._

_“Here’s your chance, Rog. To get your own back on the faggot. Without the fear of getting caught by a teacher.”_

_John stared at Roger curiously, wondering if he would seize the opportunity or not. He’d never laid a finger on him before. He seemed to prefer staying in the background. Watching as the abuse spiralled, and only interfering if they took things too far._

_John’s stomach turned at the way Roger froze, seemingly weighing up his options as his gaze flickered between John and Steven._

_But stronger than that was John’s anger and frustration. Desperate to get out._

_He was so fed-up of it all. If he was going to get thumped, he reasoned that he might as well make it happen for a good reason._

“ _Go ahead. Do what you need to. You’ll always be a coward. And I’ll always hate you for it_.”

_Roger’s mouth dropped open, his hand loosening slightly against the front of John’s shirt. He was hesitating—that much was obvious._

_But why?_

_Yes, Roger had never hit him before. But John thought that would have given him more reason to want to whilst he had the opportunity._

_Maybe not. Maybe he didn’t take after his friends after all._

_He’d been nice to him once, hadn’t he? Back in their first year, before Steven and the others had caught Roger tending to John’s wounds after he’d fell outside the front of school…_

**_“I’m Roger, by the way. Roger Taylor,” the boy said as he reached out to lightly press a damp paper towel against John’s grazes._ **

**_“I’m John. John Deacon.”_ **

**_“Nice to meet you, John.”_ **

_John found himself thinking back to that moment now and again. It seemed like each time he did, the others would corner him and immediately make John regret being so weak-minded._

_There was only one person who had his back, who cared enough to stand up for him. Yet, he was with somebody else. And it killed John every time he had to see them together._

_In the end, Roger didn’t get the chance to respond to Steven’s suggestion of getting his own back on John. Because seconds later, they were caught by a teacher._

_Steven laughed it off like it was nothing. Harmless banter between friends._

_John didn’t have the energy to say different, not anymore. What was the point? He knew it wouldn’t make any kind of difference. The teachers knew he was being bullied. They didn’t seem to care. So why should John?_

_Perhaps the more he put up with it, the quicker he could get out of this school. Move far away and finally escape._

_On the way back, John found his gaze lingering on Lewis for most of the journey. Torturing himself with wondering what Charlotte might have had that he didn’t._

_Especially when Lewis had seemed to like kissing him just as much._

_John had relived it all so many times in his head._

_The heat of Lewis’s tongue against his. The feel of their bodies pressed together._

_Found himself questioning what might have happened had they not been caught. How far they would have gone._

_There had been so many late night wanks powered by the thought of one single kiss. Followed by the flush of shame when he saw Lewis the day after._

_Lewis lifted his head, catching John’s gaze from over Charlotte’s head. A look of understanding passed across his features as he quickly looked away again._

_And John was left pining from afar once more, desperate for things to be different…_

-o-

John woke to find a pair of bright blue eyes staring back. He smiled, letting his eyelids drop closed again. And then—

He gasped, jolting away from the blonde’s embrace.

Roger squealed, almost falling off of the side of the bed. He gripped the sheets harder until he eventually managed to regain his balance.

John blinked heavily, rubbing at his eyes as the events of last night suddenly came drifting to the forefront of his mind. He met Roger’s wide eyes tentatively.

“Sorry. I guess I kind of…forgot. That you stayed over.”

“ _Oh…_ right, of course _._ ” Roger said as he relaxed back against John’s side. “It probably didn’t help that you awoke to find me staring at you like a psycho. Which I promise I’m not, by the way. I’ve literally just woken up myself. And then I turned over to see you looking all adorable.”

John’s smile widened as one of Roger’s legs slipped between his, and his arm wound itself around his waist.

Despite forgetting that Roger had stayed the night just a few minutes before, John found himself comfortable. Relaxed even. It was a foreign concept in most scenarios, particularly when any of his ex’s had slept over for the first time.

Perhaps it was the way Roger made all of this seem so easy, so…familiar. Like there was nothing to be afraid of.

“Adorable, huh?”

“Totally adorable. Which reminds me. Did you know that you sleep talk?”

“I mean…Freddie has mentioned it occasionally. What did I say?”

“I could only pick up certain words. But I’ll admit, I was intrigued. I needed the toilet in the middle of the night and I came back to find you sprawled on your back, mumbling about cheese, erm…something about your bass, and I’m pretty sure I heard Freddie’s name mentioned too.”

John smiled in response. “He probably stole my portion of cheese from the fridge again, and I was finally planning on getting my own back by strangling him with my guitar strings.”

Roger nodded slowly, his expression even. “ _O…kay_. Is someone a little protective of their cheese?”

“Yes, so don’t get any ideas. No amount of sexual favours is going to grant you access to that.”

Roger grinned in response. “Right. Okay. Noted.”

Eventually, Roger got up to grab them some water. He tiptoed out of the hallway and turned his head left to right. “Looks like Freddie left early.”

John mewled, moving enough to stretch leisurely from his position in bed. “He’s probably at the market already.”

“Oh of course! I forgot he works there all weekend.”

Roger brought back a glass for them to share. When it was almost empty, he took it from John and set it down on the bedside table. Then he climbed straight into John’s lap and began to pepper his face with kisses. John made a face in response. Even if secretly, he felt a sort of giddiness about how sweet Roger was being with him.

Nobody had showered him with so much affection.

He liked it. It made John feel special. He didn’t feel like he had to react a certain way. He’d not had that amount of trust with anybody since Lewis.

Then he sighed. Forced himself to say what was on his mind.

“We should probably get up.”

“Or we could just stay in bed.”

“At the very least, we should get dressed.”

“Why bother? The only thing I feel like wearing today is _you_.”

John laughed in response. “Did you really just say that? That’s so cringe!”

“Yeah, but I’m cute, so I get away with it, right?” Roger teased as his lips landed back on his, kissing him hard enough to steal John’s breath away.

By the time he pulled away enough to flash a boyish smirk, John was contemplating whether the offer to stay in bed was still available. He really was quite comfortable, nestled under the duvet, with Roger perched in his lap.

Roger rolled his eyes, seemingly mistaking John’s expression.

“Okay fine. At least say that you’ll share a shower with me. I’ve waited years to have the pleasure of your hands underneath a hot spray of water.”

Kissing usually lead to touching. And touching was guaranteed to lead to sex. So John found himself agreeing far too easily, eager to repeat their night together.

Even still, he didn’t want to seem too keen. Regardless of whether he actually was or not. So he took a moment to hum thoughtfully in response.

“Go on then. Twist my arm.”

Roger immediately bounded up from the bed. Then squealed in surprise as John reached forwards enough to tap him lightly on the bum.

Roger was relentless.

They’d barely stepped into the bathtub when his lips descended, nipping softly at John’s skin, until he was knelt between his legs. Then he leaned forwards and took his cock in his mouth before John’s brain could catch up with what was happening.

He gasped in response, fighting the urge not to buck into Roger’s mouth.

But Roger was good. A little too good.

His tongue felt like hot embers of fire as it trailed up his length and swiped at the tip. Roger hollowed out his cheeks and took more of him in his mouth, using his hand to stroke the part he couldn’t quite reach.

John’s head rolled back against the wall in response, his hand delving into Roger’s hair and tugging softly.

Roger hummed in response, and the vibrations around his cock had John gripping the shower curtain in his other hand, barely resisting yanking it from the rails. He groaned, his hand tightening in Roger’s hair automatically as he pulled away. Then his hand loosened as one of Roger’s hands began to move up and down his cock instead.

“John,” Roger ushered, low and husky. “Look at me.”

John’s eyelids fluttered open again.

He shivered at the look Roger was giving him from underneath his long, damp eyelashes. _God, he was pretty._ Why did he have to be so pretty?

Roger pushed his wet hair back, keeping his gaze on John as he moved to take his cock back into his mouth with a soft moan, his hand stroking down to the end. The longer John managed to keep eye contact, the faster Roger’s mouth moved around him.

It was intense. In the best way.

John had never been keen on keeping eye contact, especially in sexual situations like this. Most of the time, he was too busy focusing on trying not to come too soon.

It didn’t take long for John to start bucking a little more desperately. The room seemed to blur around him as the pleasure filled every crevice of John’s body.

“Rog,” John croaked, his hand falling from his hair, and pushing at his shoulder. “Rog, I’m gonna—”

Roger slapped his hand away and increased the tempo, his fingertips digging into John’s hips as he took more of him in his mouth and sucked softly.

John moaned loudly, his head lolling back again as he bucked one last time into Roger’s mouth.

And then he was done before he could really appreciate what was happening, a flurry of stars appearing in his line of vision, just for a moment.

John blinked heavily—his breathing still laboured—until the ceiling came back into view.

He leaned back further against the wall for support, his legs a little shaky. He watched Roger wipe at the corners of his mouth with the back of his hand as he slowly stood back up, the slightest smirk turning up the corners of his lips.

“Feeling good?”

John replied by wrapping his arms around his neck and tugging him forwards enough for John to kiss him. He moaned as he tasted himself on Roger’s tongue.

He loved it. It was enough to make him feel dizzy again.

“You didn’t have to do that, you know? Even if it was bloody incredible.”

Roger smiled in response, ducking his head to give John another quick kiss. “I wanted to make you feel good.”

“And you did. Way better than good. Everything we’ve done so far has been…amazing.”

“Hmm, I couldn’t agree more,” Roger hummed, pulling John back in for another kiss. He made a noise at the back of his throat, as John’s hands delved back into his hair, tugging softly…

Just as John noticed Roger’s cock, hard against his hip.

He pulled away to lick his lips, shivering at the look in Roger’s eyes. “How about I thank you? For the wonderful blowjob?”

“I’m listening.”

Roger’s gaze seemed to darken further. He moaned as John’s hand began to stroke his cock. John kissed a path up to his ear.

“I’ll let you fuck me. If you want.”

Instead of replying, Roger pulled John back in for another long, desperate kiss, whining softly as John’s hand sped up against him.

John turned away to reach for his toiletry bag. His hands were wet, making it virtually impossible to tear open the condom he found in there.

Roger used the time to kiss and nip softly at his skin, his hand warm against John’s stomach.

“You realise I can’t concentrate when you’re doing that?”

“I’ll happily distract you in other ways…”

John gasped, the condom dropping from his hand and onto to the shower ledge as Roger’s hand lowered to tease John’s cock. It instantly twitched in interest.

His impatience and frustration inevitably for the better of John. With a groan, he grabbed the condom and used his teeth to open it instead. Roger chuckled softly in response, pressing more kissed into the top of John’s back.

He turned towards Roger, kissing away his smile, whilst rolling the condom onto his cock. Roger mewled in response.

John reached for the lube from behind him blindly, pulling away to squirt some into his hand, and then lowering it between his thighs. He closed his eyes briefly at the first contact of his finger inside himself.

John had done this a fair few times.

So he knew exactly what pace to set, when to add more pressure, where to direct the angle. To the point that he knew from past experience, he could come from just doing that.

But he didn’t want that. He wanted to last a little longer. Wanted it to happen with Roger buried deep inside of him.

Roger watched him, eyes dark, as his fingers pressed against his prostate and he began to grind down a little more urgently. He gave a loud moan, which was quickly cut off by Roger cradling his face and kissing him roughly. He whined when Roger bit his bottom lip playfully.

“God John,” Roger said huskily as he pulled away to watch him again. “You have no idea how hot this is. Watching you touching yourself. I swear I could come just from that, you look so good.”

John used his other hand to steady himself against Roger’s shoulder, moaning long and loud again as he began to move in and out a little quicker.

“Perhaps we should… _hmm_ …test that theory at some point.”

Roger responded by moving close enough to whisper into John’s ear. “I’m up for that. Anytime love.”

John shivered in response.

Eventually, he removed his fingers, wiping them hastily against the inside of his thigh before reaching for the lube again. He lathered some onto the condom, stroking Roger’s length at the same time and enjoying the way Roger shuddered with pleasure as he met his eyes.

“Ready?”

“Hmm,” John murmured, tilting his head to kiss him again. He turned, using the ledge to steady himself.

It felt incredible. John was grinding virtually as soon as Roger was inside him.

Roger groaned in response, his head at John’s shoulder, his teeth against his skin.

The quiet hiss of running water quietened into the background as their sounds of pleasure and skin against skin filled the bathroom.

John moved, raising one leg to perch against the side of the bathtub, and arching his back further to deepen the angle. Roger made a noise in the back of his throat as he slammed back into John.

John had slept with his fair share of men in the past. He revelled in the pleasure that could be found in sharing something so intimate with somebody else.

But being with Roger like this felt different somehow. It literally made his toes curl. They dug into Freddie’s pink anti-slip mat of their own accord, as the pleasure began to build again. He whined loudly as Roger bit the skin of his shoulder softly.

The water had gradually turned lukewarm. It continued to cascade against the both of them unnoticed.

“God John, you feel fucking amazing,” Roger whispered huskily against the shell of John’s ear. “So close. _Fuck_! Can I do it inside you?”

John nodded, too dizzy to try and work out how to use his voice. Instead, he moaned again as Roger’s hand sped up around him.

Roger’s other hand searched for John’s, squeezing them tightly as they both began to move a little quicker, a little more desperate.

It didn’t take John much longer to finish too.

He cried out loudly, gripping Roger’s fingers lightly as his eyes drifted closed and he came in Roger’s hand.

“ _Bloody hell_ ,” John moaned breathlessly, pushing his wet hair back from his face again.

“ _Bloody hell_ ,” Roger agreed with a soft chuckle, pressing one last kiss to John’s back as he began to pull out.

John turned off the water and eventually followed Roger out of the bathtub once his legs didn’t feel so uncooperative and shaky.

They headed back to John’s room to get dressed.

John passed him a pair of boxers from his drawer, his gaze drifting over Roger’s body appreciatively. Roger smiled in response as he tugged them over his legs.

“Like something you see, Deacy?”

“Maybe,” John teased as he moved towards his wardrobe. “I was wondering. About how you knew all that stuff in the shower. Considering you’ve never been with a man before.”

“Oh yeah? Surprised at how good my technique was, were you?”

“Yes actually,” John said mildly as he began to root through his wardrobe.

Roger shrugged in response. “What can I say? I’m a fast learner.”

“Hmm, a likely story.”

“It’s true. Plus…you know…I might have read a few gay pornos in my time too.”

John tilted his head, gaping at Roger from around the door of his wardrobe. Roger’s cheeks were a little pink as he stepped into his jeans. “Really?”

Roger gave a small nod in response.

“The first time, I found it behind the back of one of the loos in school. I couldn’t believe my eyes, it was so graphic.”

“Oh yeah? Took it home for some personal reading, did you?”

Roger avoided his eyes as he picked up his t-shirt from the floor. “Not quite. I was way too eager. I ended up wanking off there and then.”

John’s mouth dropped open slightly. “Oh… _wow_. So where did you get the rest of them from then?”

“Brought them off the internet. Managed to convince my Mum they were comic books. Thankfully, she never looked.”

John snorted in response. “Lucky you.”

Roger smiled as he tugged his shirt down over his stomach. “I know. I bet she’d have had a fit if she’d seen what it really was.”

“No doubt.” John smiled, going back to rooting through his wardrobe again.

“Speaking of fast learning, I was thinking.”

John hummed as he pulled a blue t-shirt from a hanger.

“There’s must be loads of sexual positions to try out in the shower. In that massive bathtub of yours.”

“ _Christ_ , you can’t still be horny, surely?”

“I didn’t mean for right now! I might look into it tonight, ready for when I next come over. My ex brought me this _Karma Sutra_ book for my birthday the other year. Best gift I’ve ever had. Not to mention one of the few I’ve had most use out of.” Roger said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively as John pulled the t-shirt over his head. “And for the record, I reckon I’ll always be horny. Around you at least.”

Roger’s words echoed in his head. _Ready for when I next come over_.

John’s stomach clenched at the knowledge that this really wouldn’t be a one-time thing. He wanted this again, just like John did.

He offered a shy smile as he tugged his t-shirt down.

“Who says anything about you being invited round again?”

John was surprised by how casual he managed to sound.

Roger’s lips shaped themselves into the slightest pout as he sat down on the bed. “You can’t mean that! Not after the incredible blowjob I gave you, surely?”

“It was mediocre at best.”

Roger gasped loudly in response, watching John shut the wardrobe door. John suddenly had the urge to kiss away his pout. He resisted, barely.

“Take that back! I worked bloody hard to make you feel good.”

“Okay, fine,” John said lightly as he leaned against the wall to watch Roger pull on his trainers. “So it was good. But I think I should keep my options open. There are some attractive men on grinder, you know? Who could be just as good at giving blowjobs, I’m sure.”

Roger said nothing for a long moment, watching John silently from underneath his luscious, long eyelashes. “You’re winding me up, right?”

“Of course I am. Obviously.”

“I hate you.”

“Nah, you don’t,” John smiled, stepping forwards and pulling Roger back up by his hand. He tilted his head and kissed away Roger’s pout, just like he initially wanted to. Slowly, Roger relaxed against him, his arms folding around John’s waist.

“Look, all joking aside. Yes, I want this to happen again. Last night was…”

John trailed off, searching for the right word. There didn’t seem to be one that was enough to describe just how good he was feeling right now. In the end, he settled with—

“—Amazing,” John said as he pulled away to smile at Roger. “As was this morning. I loved being with you like that. It didn’t feel awkward at all, or…weird, or whatever. It just felt right, like we said. Natural.”

Roger smiled back in response. “It really did, didn’t it? I loved it too. Being intimate like that with you.”

“Exactly. You said it yourself last night. There’s no point dating anyone else. Not when this could be…” John pursed his lips as he considered his words again. “Something good. Special, even. I can promise you I’ve not felt like that in a long time.”

“Me neither,” Roger sighed, tucking his chin into the crook of John’s shoulder.

“Then we’re on the same page.”

“Hmm, we definitely are.” Roger murmured softly against his skin.

“Good. I’m man enough to admit that I hated the thought of you being on another date yesterday. I started panicking. Thinking that maybe I really had missed my chance, and you were moving on without me.”

“I only went on that one date because I assumed you didn’t feel that way about me, and I needed to get a grip and accept that, rather than making your life any harder. Trust me John, I had no intention of moving on once I knew I at least had a chance.”

John gave a small smile in response.

It felt good to know that Roger was prepared to metaphorically fight for him. He’d never felt as if he mattered that much to anybody before.

Well. That was a lie. He’d felt like that with _one_ other person before.

“I’m glad to hear that. It was bad enough seeing you kissing Callum. I wanted to scratch my own eyes out. Or his.”

Roger grinned in response, moving to rest his arms around John’s shoulders instead. “Did you indeed, Deacy? Well I promise you don’t have to feel that way again, babe. Because I’m all yours, if you want me that is. Although maybe seeing that was a good thing? Would you have reached out if I’d have carried on staying away as my therapist suggested?”

John knew the answer to that immediately. He didn’t like it.

“Probably not. Or at least, it would have taken me longer to realise. Which by then, who knows? You really might have moved on.”

Roger made a noise of dispute in response.

“Doubtful, John. Yeah, maybe I’d have made more of an effort to move on. But let’s face it, I’ve been doing that for the last however many years, and it’s not gotten me very far.”

“I’m glad. In a way. Seeing you yesterday confirmed everything I’d been feeling. I don’t think I’d have had the balls to do what I did otherwise.”

“Give me a hand-job in a public place? Maybe I should make you jealous more often. I quite liked that unrestrained side of you.”

“Don’t be an arse,” John said, whacking his shoulder softly. “Come on. I’ll make you breakfast.”

“Breakfast too? What a triumph! A load of sex, dinner, and breakfast! I hope you know I expect this every time I come round—”

John shut him up by leaning forwards and kissing him firmly. By the time that John pulled away, Roger looked slightly dazed, his eyes heavy. John smiled as he took his hand.

“Hmm, what was that for?”

“Nothing, I just wanted to get you to stop talking.” John admitted as he gently pulled him in the direction of the kitchen.

“ _Oh_. Well feel free to do it anytime you like.”

“I’ll be sure to remember that.”

He left the poached eggs to cook as he grabbed an avocado out of the fridge.

“Any aversions to avocado?”

“No. I’ll eat anything, me.”

“Funnily enough that’s exactly what Brian said just before the first time you came round for dinner.”

“Brian’s usually right,” Roger said, before quickly adding; “Just…don’t tell him I said that.”

John laughed in response. “Your secret’s safe with me.”

Once it was all ready, he dished them onto two plates and sat beside Roger. John liked how touchy he was. Every so often, he’d finish his mouthful and take a sip of his coffee whilst reaching out to touch John’s leg or his arm for a moment. Or tuck John’s long hair back behind his ear, with this fond expression on his face.

John wasn’t used to so much attention. He liked it. But it also made him feel a little paranoid.

“Have I got food around my mouth or something?”

“No. I’m just looking at you.” Roger’s smile grew in response as he set his knife and fork down. Then he licked his lips, his gaze slipping past John’s face. “I’ve decided I really like the colour blue on you.”

“Is that so?”

“Uh hum. Even better is the fact that it’s so tight. Gives a guy lots of _very_ naughty ideas, if you catch my drift.”

“Behave,” John teased as he shivered in response.

“I think at the very least, you deserve a treat for cooking us both such a lovely breakfast. It’s only fair given that I did agree to offer up sexual favours in return for free food.”

John smiled in response. Who was he to disagree with that logic? “Oh yeah, you did, didn’t you?”

Almost as soon as he had moved their plates out of the way, Roger’s hand was back on his leg. Creeping towards the inside of John’s thigh as he leaned in give him a long, urgent kiss.

He quickly relaxed as Roger moved to undo the button on John’s jeans…only for Roger to reluctantly pull away at the sound of the front door.

“Deacy darling, I’m home!”

Roger’s body language immediately changed. He jumped up from his chair like he’d been electrocuted, his face slightly flushed as he hissed quietly; “ _Fuck_ , it’s Freddie!”

John huffed in response, feeling like he was being just a tad overdramatic.

“I’m not sure. I still think there’s a pretty good chance that it’s our elderly neighbour from next door.”

“This isn’t funny!”

John raised an eyebrow. “Isn’t it? I actually think it’s—”

 _“—John_?”

“In here, Fred!”

Roger shoved his hair back from his face as he began to pace the floor.

John gave a sigh in response as he stood up and went to put their plates in the sink bowl. He turned back to see Roger’s eyebrows were still furrowed, and he was tapping his hands lightly against the front of his legs, nervously.

“Chill out, would you? It’s just Freddie.”

“ _Just_? He’s going to kill me when he finds out we’re together!”

John rolled his eyes, stepping close enough to tug Roger towards him and wrap his arms around his waist. “He is _not_ going to kill you.”

“Maim me then. At the very least. Or accuse me of brainwashing you!”

“You seriously need to relax. He isn’t that bad—”

“—John sweetie, who are you talking—”

They both stopped talking at the same time as Freddie wondered through the kitchen doorway. His smile disappeared when he noticed Roger.

“ _Oh_. You’re still here, are you?”

John’s arms tightened around Roger’s waist as he tried to take a step away. “How was the market, Fred?”

“Alright. Dreadfully boring, to be honest. There wasn’t many people out today. Think the rain kept them away.”

“That’s too bad,” John smiled. “I didn’t hear you leave you this morning.”

“Well you wouldn’t have done from all the way across town.”

“You didn’t come back to the flat last night?” John asked with furrowed brows. “So how did you know Roger was here?”

“Brian told me. Well, he told me that you two headed back here yesterday for a…late afternoon rendezvous shall we say, and I figured that Roger wouldn’t exactly be in any hurry to leave, so it would be best to leave you two to it,” Freddie said, his gaze flickering between the two of them. “It appears I was right.”

John automatically felt a little guilty. “You didn’t have to do that, Fred.”

“ _Please_. Think I want to come back here and listen to you two.”

He turned his head again to look at Roger once again. “You’re unusually quiet, Taylor. Cat got your tongue, has it? Or should that be John?”

Roger cleared his throat, his face slightly pink. “Alright, Fred?”

Freddie rolled his eyes in response, hearing the tension in his voice for himself. “Relax blondie. I’m not going to give you trouble.”

Roger’s shoulders slumped a little in relief. “Okay. I appreciate that—”

“—However, I will say this.”

“Freddie, be nice—”

“—I’m always nice. To people who deserve it, Deacy.”

John gave him a warning look as Freddie’s eyes narrowed once he turned to Roger.

“It should go without saying that if you so much as make him cry, for any god given reason, I’ll hunt you down and kill you myself.”

Roger nodded slowly. “I understand. But I would never hurt John intent—”

“—You say that now. I’m just making it clear that should that ever change, you’ll regret it.”

“Got it.”

John raised his eyebrows slightly in a kind of _are you finished now?_ Sort of look. Freddie nodded in response.

“I’ve said all that I need to. For now. So let’s change the subject, shall we? Was you planning on staying for lunch?”

“No, I’d best not actually,” Roger said as he began to try and pull away from John. He reluctantly let him go this time. “I was thinking of heading home, and seeing how Brian is. I think he’s working a shift later, so I wanted to catch-up with him first.”

“Yeah, he’s doing the late shift. I think it’s me, him and Tom actually.”

Roger immediately smiled in response.

“Perfect! In that case, I’ll probably stop by, if that’s alright?”

“Yeah, of course it is.”

Roger’s smile widened, and John felt a flutter of butterflies in his gut.

“Perfect, see you in a bit then.”

He leaned forwards to give John a slightly rigid kiss on the cheek, before he pulled away again. Freddie was still watching them closely.

“See you in a bit.”

He watched Roger bid his goodbyes to Freddie on the way out. Then he waited until he heard the front door open and close before turning to look at Freddie accusingly.

“Well done.”

“Sorry?”

“You will be. You do realise you scared him off, right?”

Freddie scoffed disbelievingly.

“My dear, I don’t think that’s possible. It seems like nothing on this God given Earth would ever truly scare Roger bloody Taylor off. Especially when it comes to you.” Freddie said, before smiling a little. “Though I imagine you’ve already worked that bit out for yourself, being as smart as you are.”

Instead of responding, John went to flick the kettle on. “Tea Fred?”

Freddie smiled across at him in response. “ _Smooth_. Yeah, go on then. I’ll have one. You can sit down and tell me all about how last night went.”

John winced as he grabbed both of their cups. “Do I have to?”

“Yes actually. I can’t see Roger filling in Brian with all the gory details, and I need to get the gossip from somewhere.”

“Obviously. Very shrewd of you, Fred.”

“That’s me, darling. So come on. Was it everything you dreamed of and more? Or was it like a damp sparkler? Not much good, a little dull, and done and over with, in five minutes?”

“Freddie!” John groaned, almost dropping the milk bottle as he retrieved it from the fridge.

“What? It’s just a question, darling? I’ve already guessed it can’t have been that terrible given the smiles on both of your faces this morning.”

John avoided his gaze as he poured the milk over the water in their cups, suddenly feeling hot in the face.

It wasn’t that he hadn’t loved every bit of last night and this morning. It was more about how weird it felt discussing it all with Freddie. Probably because he’d never been one to gush about this sort of stuff before.

“It actually went…better than expected. It was…good, really good.”

Freddie stared back uncertainly as John set their cups down on the table. “ _Good_?”

John rolled his eyes in response. “Well alright, it was bloody amazing, if you must know. I just don’t exactly feel comfortable talking about this with you.”

“Why? I tell you about mine and Brian’s sex life all the time.”

John winced again. “Yes, I know. I try and block out more of the vivid details.”

Freddie grinned across at him for a moment, whilst watching John far too closely. “In all seriousness though. You seem really good about everything. Nowhere near as stressed as you were the other day.”

John nodded as he sipped his tea.

“That’s because I’m not. It’s like you said. We just needed to take that step forwards, get that first time out of the way. And now that we have…it should make things a little easier.”

“In theory.”

It was taking everything inside of John not to sit there grinning like a loon.

He really was happy. There was no anxiety about how things might develop. Instead, he was excited. He wanted to see Roger again and again. Enjoy every moment between them.

Live for the now, rather than dwelling on the past.

It was all a relatively new concept to John.

He felt like dancing. Singing in the rain. Smiling at random people in the street. All silly, ridiculous stuff that he used to roll his eyes at other people for doing.

Just the thought of kissing Roger again had his stomach doing a little flip of excitement.

“I think I really do like him you know? Which…sort of staggered me at first. But everything was just so… _right_. It felt natural, being with him like that.”

“Then good. I’m happy for you, sweetie. Truly.” Freddie smiled as he continued to watch John. Then he sighed. “Look, I’m serious. I think it’s good that the both of you are able to put everything behind you. As long as he treats you like you deserve and makes you happy, then me and him haven’t got a problem.”

“Good,” John said, relieved to hear Freddie say so.

Freddie raised an eyebrow in response. “Don’t get too complacent darling. I’d be more than happy to kick his arse if that should change in any way—”

“—Couldn’t have stopped at _you and him not having a problem_ , could you?” John said with a roll of his eyes.

Freddie smiled at him a little. “I just wanted to reiterate the point. You’re my best friend, John. Of course I’m going to feel protective, especially with somebody who’s already hurt you before.”

“I get that, Fred, I do,” John sighed. “But things are good, seriously. Please just give him the benefit of the doubt. For me.”

“Alright. For you.”

John relaxed against his chair. “Thank you. Love you Fred.”

Freddie’s smile widened in response. “Love you too, Deacs. Even if you are too soft for your own good at times.”

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I really hope I edited that okay, as I had to do it quickly and hope for the best, because my laptop has decided to play up and keep freezing and restarting every time I try to edit anything in word, which is really handy!  
> Hope you enjoyed! LOVED writing the fluff between Roger and John. I think Freddie is slowly starting to warm to Roger in his own way lol. What do you reckon? What do you think SHOULD happen next? What do you think WILL happen next? Haha! Please let me know your thoughts! Been having a really hard time at work and reading all your lovely reviews honestly gets me through the week and puts the biggest smile on my face, especially whilst my crazy, lovely colleague is away on holiday for a week. :(
> 
> Stay safe and have a good week everyone! <3
> 
> P.S. I'll try updating again on Friday, if not, it'll be the usual Monday update!


	22. Well Your Mama Don't Mind...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ROGER'S POV
> 
> There's a flashback to Roger getting cold feet over the group's continued tirade against John. Then it moves back to the present time, where Roger is still struggling to move on from the shackles of his past...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATING: Is for quite a lot of homophobic language throughout, swearing, mentions of smut throughout, and I think that's about it!

_Roger chewed on a fingernail, desperately forcing himself not to pace the muddy edge of the field he found himself on._

_Steven was still speaking. Explaining his plan to get revenge._

_It was technically Holly who had kicked him in the balls, but apparently, Steven had morals—Who’d have thought it? He wasn’t down with hitting girls. Unlike Roger’s father. Homosexuals on the other hand. All cards seemed to be off the table when it came to them. You could punch them, kick them, make their life hell. On second thoughts, perhaps Steven was rather like his father in that sense—Roger wasn’t even there when it had happened._

_He’d still been in History, which was where they should have been. Instead, they skived it off to go and smoke at the back of the field._

_“Right, so Abigail’s gone to get the tosser now. If we all hide behind each of these trees and jump out when he’s close enough to grab. Then—”_

_Roger looked up, his cigarette dangling between his fingers, as Steven held up his lighter and pressed the switch down. His gaze seemed to linger on the glare of the flame._

_“—we get our own back. Make Deacon pay. Once and for all.”_

_Roger fought not to show panic or resistance. It was too far. It was assault. He hated violence, having grown up in a household full of it._

_It wasn’t even_ **_fair_ ** _. John had done nothing to provoke an attack. And now Roger was expected to go along with it?_

_He leaned back more fully against the bark of the tree, his knees weak at the thought of hurting John. Of causing such anguish and torment to another human-being._

_“I don’t think we should be doing this,” he protested meekly._

_Steven’s thumb lifted off of the switch as his gaze shot up to glare at Roger._

_“Well then fuck off back to school if you’re just going to pussy out. I told you last week we needed to start getting more inventive. Make sure the faggot knows he’s not wanted here. Send a clear message. Otherwise who knows? He might try it on with one of us next, like the fucking weirdo fairy he is.”_

_Steven really did sound just like Roger’s father. He hated the both of them. They also terrified him._

_Roger raised his cigarette with a slightly shaky hand, quickly looking towards the ground as he inhaled._

_Why did Steven have to go to this school? Why did people like him have to exist in the first place, quite frankly? Roger felt like he was constantly looking over his shoulder, desperate to hide the most intimate parts of himself, just to keep his head above water..._

_“Haven’t you got the balls for this anymore Taylor, hmm? You not man enough to face a dandy like Deacon—”_

_“—Don’t be so fucking stupid!” Roger shouted back in a temper. He fought not to shrink under Steven’s surprised gaze. “Look, I just mean…that isn’t what I’m saying, okay? I don’t want to get caught.”_

_He had to pretend. He had to make them believe him._

_“I can’t have my Mum finding out we’re doing shit like this. She’d kill me—”_

_“—And if you don’t help us, I’ll kill you.”_

_Steven said it so seriously as he took a step closer, Roger almost flinched. Because it was believable. He already knew what Steven was capable of, the things he could bully people into doing..._

_But then he gave this crooked smirk like it was all in good humour, and Roger fought not to shudder in fear._

_“I’m messing with you, you twat! God, lighten up, Rog!” Steven said merrily as he pushed at Roger’s shoulder a little too roughly. He forced a tense smile at the way the others offered up quiet laughter from behind Steven._

_“But seriously, I’m not asking you to get involved. I know you need to keep your record clean. Make sure you’re a good enough boy to get into university and become a boring Biologist or whatever hopes and dreams your Mum has for you.”_

_“I thought she wanted you to become a Dentist now? I remember her saying when she gave us that lift back home after rugby last friday aout how much they get paid. All for pulling a few fucking teeth out,” Christopher snickered. “Maybe I should become a dentist too. Everybody knows I’m well trained in torture. I have to listen to my Mum rabbiting on for fucking hours at a time. That’s enough torture for anyone to bear—”_

_“—God, will you quit your whining Chris?” Steven interrupted with a groan. “Look, the point is, all I’m asking you to do is help the others hold him down, Rog. Or if you can’t even stomach that, then keep a lookout. Make sure nobody comes running over whilst it’s happening.”_

_Steven made it sound so easy. Like he wasn’t even asking for much._

_John just seemed to want a quiet life. It was what Roger wanted too. But in order to get that, the only option seemed to be complying with everything Steven said. So he reluctantly nodded his head. Then immediately felt sick at the way Steven grinned, whilst hating himself a little more._

_It didn't take long to hear the telltale sound of distant voices._

_Each of them were already hidden behind an individual tree, lying in wait. Roger turned his head, feeling an overwhelming amount of disgust at the way Steven had a hand over his mouth to stifle a laugh. Meanwhile, Roger wanted to cry. He didn’t want to be involved. It was killing him._

_“Wait…so…where is he again—”_

_Once John sounded close enough, they stepped out from behind the trees. John froze when he saw them, his eyes widening._

_Steven smiled. A slow, horrible smile. “Thanks Abi, we’ll take it from here.”_

_“It’s all cool. He made it too easy. I told him his fag boyfriend had been hurt and he couldn’t get hear quick enough,” Abigail let out a cruel laugh which caused Roger’s hands to shake by his sides. “And they say I can’t act.”_

_He hated to think of John being lured into a trap like…like some sort of baited animal. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair. They’d used John’s ability to care too much against him._

_Roger stayed where he was, watching John slowly retreat. Knowing he probably had about as much chance of escaping as he had them all finally leaving him alone. He remained rigid against the tree, forcing himself not to react, as they all began to push John towards the wet blades of grass._

_Steven was quick, by his side like a shot. He had a determined look on his face as he lifted the back of John’s top up, whilst Christopher pulled out a cigarette from a packet inside his trouser pocket and lit it up._

_Then he handed it to Steven. Who immediately plunged it towards John’s lower back._

_At first, John moaned softly as he tried to wriggle free._

_But then Steven held it against his skin harder, and John started screaming. Michael placed a hand over John’s mouth in response._

_It made Roger’s teeth clench. He wrinkled his nose and squeezed his eyes shut, internally begging for it to be over. Begging for the others to stop. He couldn't seem to fully block out the sound of John’s torment. His screams resonated in his head as Roger dug his fingernails into the bark until they bled._

_He was starting to grow queasy._

_He wanted to move. He wanted to drag them off of him. He wanted to protect him. But then he’d be the one being held down. Burned, kicked, and punched. He’d already spent years trying to defend his sister and his Mum. Wasn't that enough? Why was nobody else prepared to do the right thing?_

_But of course he already knew the answer to that one, having spent years living with it himself._ **_Fear_ ** _._

_He forced one eye open to see that John’s skin had turned white as snow, his eyes slowly rolling backwards into his head—_

_“Alright, enough!”_

_Roger could endure no more. His hands shaped themselves into fists at his side involuntarily. He’d bloody well punch every last one of them if that’s what it took to get them off of him before it was too late. Things had gone far enough._

_Steven lifted the cigarette off of John’s skin and turned to look at him. John made a weak noise of relief in response._

_“Roger—”_

_“—I mean it. Let him go. Before a teacher finds us.”_

_“Fine. I think we’ve made our point,” Jamie huffed._

_Steven’s gaze hardened as he continued to stare at Roger. He half expected Steven to get up and turn on him instead. He almost wanted him to. He’d give anything to see somebody, someday, wipe the smirk off of Steven’s face._

_Instead, Michael’s hand tightened over John’s outh once more as Steven suddenly dug the cigarette back against John’s skin. And Roger attempted not to heave at the way he began to scream again. Hearing his pain made Roger want to rip his own hair out._

_Steven pushed his head back towards the grass, his mouth at John’s ear. “If you tell anyone about this, and I mean anyone, even that boyfriend of yours, I’ll kill you. And then I’ll kill him.”_

_They left him there, in the dirt, like he was nothing._

_Roger dragged his feet as he followed the others. He wanted to keep a safe distance, whilst he tried to think of ways to get away from the group without fear of repercussions. He needed to slip away. To go back and help John. If he got him to the medical room, there’d finally be evidence of Steven’s tormenting ways. It would no longer be his word against his. Roger would be able to collaborate, possibly try and get Steven expelled. At least then both Roger and John might finally be free. All he could think about was the boy slumped at the back of the field, in pain and in need of somebody to help him._

_But they kept turning back, kept trying to get him involved in their conversation. They were talking about the football, like none of it mattered. Like they hadn’t just held a boy down and burned him. Roger couldn't just act like he was okay with all of this. He didn’t have the strength to pretend he hadn’t been affected by what he’d just seen._

_They bid their goodbyes at the front gate._

_Roger’s stomach dropped as Steven tugged him back by the sleeve of his blazer, asking him to wait for a minute. He stayed silent as Steven lit a cigarette, letting it dangle from his mouth. Hoping he didn't look as scared as he felt._

_“I’d love to finally rid the world of people like him, you know?”_

_He said it so casually, he could have been talking about the weather._

_“It’s not right, it’s not natural.”_

_“If you say so.”_

_“I do. If you knew what was good for you, you’d make sure you think that way too.”_

_Roger forced a small nod in response and shoved his hands into the front pockets of his blazer. What he wanted more than anything was to get away from Steven. He didn’t like the way he was looking at him. Nor did he like the unspoken threat that Steven was obviously trying to communicate._

_It was as if he_ **_knew._ ** _It was as if he could somehow read Roger’s mind._

_“As far as I’m concerned, fucking freaks like him shouldn’t be allowed to walk the Earth, breathe the same air that I do. If I ever found out there was somebody else at this school who was a raging homosexual like him, I’d probably burn him too. Make sure he knew nobody wanted him here either.”_

_As if to make his point, Steven took a long inhale of his cigarette and stared at him for ages._

_Roger suddenly felt lightheaded._

_“Anyway, you have a nice weekend, Roger.”_

_Steven might not have had the best vocabulary in the class, but he sure knew what to say to put the fear of god into Roger. He headed away, leaving Roger leaning against the brick wall for support. He was so terrified he honestly thought there was a good chance that he really would pass out. Tears collected in his eyes without his permission._

_Once his legs didn't feel so shaky and Steven had long gone, Roger headed back inside, almost running for the bathroom. He didn’t want anybody to see him crying. Crying was a weakness. He’d been told often enough by his own father. Weakness meant that others could get to you far too easily._

_Once he was inside, his anger got the better of him. All the fear, the frustration, and the helplessness came bubbling up to the surface. He kicked over the bin full of paper towels with a grunt._

_Because damn him. Damn Steven and his reign of terror. Damn his friends for choosing to be weak and letting him rule this school. And damn himself most of all, for not having enough courage to stand up and say something when it counted._

_“Fuck sake!”_

_He was so agitated, he wanted to scream at the heavens._

_He’d lost count of the amount of times people like his father and his friends had all said it wasn’t normal. That being gay was somehow against human nature. Roger desperately wanted to not believe them. But he’d heard it so many times in his life, he’d begun to consider that it was true. That maybe he really was a freak._

_Eventually, his anger subsided, leaving behind a cold and empty shell. In its place was a sense of sadness and injustice. At being this way, at feeling about as trapped as a human being could probably feel._

_Roger just wanted it all to end._

_He hunched over the sink, crying softly._

_How was he supposed to cope with three more years of this? Of pretending to be something he wasn’t._

_What he needed was a way out. A chance to get out of this shithole of a town._

_But that was never going to happen. The likelihood was that he’d be stuck here like all the rest of them. A loser until the end._

_Perhaps the best thing he could do was to force himself to stand up to Steven and help John. Let Steven kill him. One good deed in his miserable life before he did everyone a favour._

-o-

“I heard Freddie gave you the _talk_ earlier,” Brian teased as he poured his customer their glass of wine.

Roger swayed side to side on his bar stool, watching him.

“Hmm. Said he’d hunt me down and kill me if I ever so much as made John cry.”

“Honestly, if I were you, I’d be more worried about what John might do. Sure, Freddie will probably beat your arse first. But John…well, he doesn’t exactly seem like the shy wallflower you described him being when he was sixteen.”

“No, he’s not.”

Roger’s gaze dropped to the bar, immediately thinking of their night together. He had a feeling he’d be replaying it all in his head for a very long time to come.

But god, it’d been good. Fantastic, even. He’d be happy to suffer with aching knees—from where he’d been knelt against the porcelain of the bathtub—forever, if it meant being that physically close to John again and again.

From there, his mind wondered…

_He thought about how John seized the moment with that surprise hand-job in the Men’s toilets. John topping Roger. The two of them laid intertwined for most of the night. Waking up together, the sliver of sunlight breathtaking against John’s soft features. Roger convincing him to take a shower together, only to sink between John’s legs and give him the best blowjob he possibly could, whilst trying to remember all the tips he’d read in those magazines. The feel of John, so tight and warm, as Roger fucked into him…_

“I have a feeling I don’t want to know what you’re thinking about,” Brian said with a wince.

“You definitely don’t,” Roger said with a smile, his gaze flickering back over to John.

He watched the way he tucked his hair behind his ear almost shyly as he took his customers orders. He nodded along to something they said, his bottom lip pulled between his teeth. Then he smiled, and Roger’s heart literally skipped a beat as he caught sight of his gap-tooth.

John’s whole face had a way of lighting up when he was truly happy. It was incredibly infectious. He had the kind of smile that made you smile. Roger would do whatever it took to always see him that happy.

He turned back to face the bar with a sigh.

 _I’m totally fucked_.

“Yep, you are,” Brian said as he placed a glass of coke in front of Roger. “That’s for you. Don’t make a habit of it.”

“Cheers Brian.”

He spent the next half an hour skimming the menu for the hundredth time, his stomach grumbling ungratefully when he realised he could barely afford any of the mains.

“Roger?”

He automatically tensed as he reluctantly turned in his chair to face her. Lucy was standing beside him at the bar, her eyes narrowed suspiciously as he met her gaze.

“What are you doing here?”

Roger immediately felt defensive at her tone. “It’s a bar, isn’t it? I came to have a drink.”

“And I suppose you can’t do that anywhere else, right?” She sniped as she crossed her arms over the front of her chest.

“Not where I get the odd free drink thrown in, no.”

She rolled her eyes in response, looking far from impressed.

Roger knew this wasn’t helping anyone. He also knew that he’d likely be in and around the bar much more now that him and John were together. Which meant being the bigger person.

“I’m glad I saw you actually,” Roger said, clearing his throat nervously. “I wanted to apologise for how I treated you.”

She jutted out her chin, her gaze flickering over his face. “I’m listening.”

“That day I broke up with you...I was a wanker. No question. You came to see if I was alright, and I treated you horribly. And for that, I am sorry.”

“Yeah, you were a wanker.”

Roger’s gaze trailed off behind her, catching sight of John heading round the bar. His eyebrows furrowed as he looked between Lucy and Roger. _Okay_? He mouthed. Roger gave a short nod and looked back to Lucy. She was still watching him, a strange look in her eyes.

“Look, the thing is you still have to work here. John has to work here. So does Brian. So I’d like it if we could at least try and get along, considering that we’ll probably be bumping into each other quite a lot more.”

She frowned in response. “And why is that, may I ask?”

“Well…I like it here, don’t I?”

Roger wanted to tell her about him and John. He wanted to shout it from the rooftops. Have it posted in the free-ads page, the lot. But he was yet to have the conversion with John about how open they wanted to be about their relationship. He didn’t want to just assume he would be okay with Roger telling her.

“And that’s the only reason? Not because you’ve still got your eye on someone here?”

For a minute, Roger worried Lucy could read him like a book. It wasn’t like he’d been very subtle. He’d been pining over John for months. But then he saw her expression and his stomach dropped.

She was curling a strand of hair around a finger, biting the edge of her bottom lip. Her cheeks were slightly flushed, and her gaze heavy. She had the same look Roger always got when he was staring at John.

He didn’t want to be cruel. But he also didn’t want to run the risk of feeding her false hope.

For him, it had always been _John_. A fact that he was well aware he couldn’t exactly tell her. Given that the two of them still had to work together civilly.

“Lucy, you’re a lovely girl, and you deserve somebody who will treat you right. But I need to make this clear. Me and you—” He paused, indicating between them with his hand. “—will never happen again. I should have ended things in a better way, no question. But we’d have never lasted. It was kind of inevitable. The truth is...well, you’re not even my type really.”

Roger didn’t think he could make that any clearer if he tried. At least this way, she’d be able to move on without wondering _what if_.

He didn’t think Lucy saw it that way, if the look on her face was any indication. She stood straighter, a sneer on her face as she looked him over.

“Get over yourself. Like I’d want to get back with you. You’re a total wanker. If you ask me, I’ve had a lucky escape.”

He didn’t believe she really thought that. But he knew it might have been rubbing salt in the wound to say as much.

“Yeah, you probably have.”

She narrowed her eyes in response. “It wasn’t a compliment. You can literally go and fuck yourself, as far as I’m concerned. Just stay out of my way whilst you’re here.”

“ _Gladly_ ,” he mumbled quietly enough for her not to hear as she walked away.

John remained perched at the other end of the bar, his gaze still flickering between them curiously. He moved to follow Lucy as she walked past him.“Hey Lucy, I didn’t think you were on shift tonight.”

She abruptly stopped, and turned back to John. “I wasn’t. But Matthew isn’t feeling well so I offered to cover his shift. Is that okay by you?”

John blinked in response, clearly surprised by her tone. “Yeah...yeah, of course it is. I just—”

“—Great.”

With that, she turned on her heel and headed straight for the staffroom. John watched her, his mouth slightly open, before he headed over to talk to Roger.

“Blimey. What did you say to her?”

“The truth. Although, I got the impression she didn’t really like that.”

John raised his eyebrows expectantly. “Did you tell her about us?”

Roger stared back uncertainly. “No...well, I wasn’t sure if you’d want everyone to know. Plus, you two still have to work alongside each other, so I thought it might make things a tad awkward.”

“So what did you say?”

“She asked me what I was doing here, so I said to have a drink. Then she said something along the lines of _I don’t suppose you could do that anywhere else_ . To which I said _not one where I can get the occasional free drink_. Which I don’t think went down too well—”

“—Is Brian still giving you free drinks?”

Roger paused, taking in the way that John was frowning at him. “Only the odd Coca cola’s.”

“Hmm. Alright, so what else did you say?”

“I apologized for how I ended things. Then I said about how you, Lucy and Brian all have to work together, and it would be good if we could at least try and get along, considering we’d probably be bumping into each other more. She asked why that was, so I just said it was because I like hanging out here. Anyway, she asked me if that was the only reason. Or if I still had my eye on someone who worked here.”

John nodded, his eyebrows furrowed. “What was your reply?”

Roger sighed in response.

“Okay, so I might have assumed that she’d managed to guess that I was talking about you. It’s not like I’ve been subtle. I’ve spent months checking out your arse from across the bar.”

John pursed his lips in response, fighting a smile. “Have you now?”

Roger hummed in response. “I’m only human, Deacy. You can’t wear those obscenely tight jeans and not expect my gaze to be drawn to that incredible body of yours.”

John rolled his eyes in response, though his cheeks were a little pink. “Why do I think you’re trying to distract me?”

“Why, is it working?”

At the look John gave him, Roger gave a sigh of defeat.

“Fine, look. From the way she was looking at me…I got the impression she might have hoped that I was here for her. So I told her that me and her were never going to happen. That I should have broken up with her a little gentler, no question. But that it was also kind of inevitable, given that let’s face it, she isn’t exactly my type.”

“Did you really say all that to her?”

“Well yeah. I didn’t want to feed her false hope, did I?”

John literally facepalmed himself in response. “Oh god, Roger. What have you done?”

That immediately made Roger feel even worse. He frowned in response. “Well, what was I supposed to say? I was trying to tell her—without actually doing so—about being gay. I didn’t want to confuse the situation.”

“No chance of that, I think.”

“Good. She can move on now, can’t she?”

John gave him a withering look in response. “You really are a natural blonde, aren’t you?”

“Hey!”

“Well, it’s not that simple, is it? She obviously still likes you. You could have afforded to be a little more gentler, surely?”

“How? I said I was sorry and I meant it. But I didn’t know how to say it without making her think we still had a chance.” Roger argued back. Then he slumped against his chair, his expression a little defeated. “Look, I’m no good at dealing with stuff like this, okay? I’ve only given the brush off a couple of times. But they weren’t exactly great experiences. I was trying to be all sympathetic with this one girl, because she was crying, and it got kind of…awkward. So I gave her a hug and whatever. Anyway, I came home to find her naked in my bed. Somehow, she’d convinced herself we were getting back together. You can understand if I didn’t want to risk repeating _that_ mistake.”

“Okay, yeah, fair enough,” John said softly. “Well maybe just…keep out of her way for a bit.”

“Oh, I intend to, Deacy. Trust me.”

Roger spent the rest of the evening propped at the bar, making eyes at John as subtly as possible. Eventually, once it had turned a bit quieter and Lucy disappeared on her break, John headed over with a bowl of nachos.

“Brian mentioned you hadn’t had any dinner. Managed to convince our cook to bring me out an extra bowl of these after my break.”

“Deacy, you’re honestly the most gorgeous, sweetest human being I’ve ever met.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re only saying that because I brought you free food.”

“Not true. I’m also saying it in the hope of sexual favours.” Roger said with a teasing grin.

“Honestly? I wouldn’t be surprised with you. Your mind is always in the gutter.”

“What do you expect? When I have such a hot boyfriend. It would be rude not to take advantage of that.”

John scoffed in response as he leaned across to steal a jalapeño. “Any excuse to lower the tone.”

“Hmm, so you like a bit of spice do you now, Deacy?” Roger asked with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

“God, you’re relentless, you know that—”

He stopped talking mid-sentence, causing Roger to frown in concern. Until he noticed John’s gaze trained on Lucy, who had just stepped out of the staffroom. She looked between them curiously, before moving along to help one of her table of customers. Once she was out of earshot again, Roger leaned across the bar to talk quietly.

“Look, I’ve thought about it, and I reckon we should just tell her. She’ll probably guess herself soon enough anyway.”

“I know, I just…I don’t want to feel as if we’re rubbing her face in it.”

“But it’s not like we were even together that long. It was like what? Three weeks, four tops.”

“I think it was actually closer to five weeks.”

Roger shrugged, diving back in for another nacho. “Same difference. My point is that I never made her believe it was serious. It was just sex.”

John frowned in response as his gaze drifted away from Roger’s face. “For you, maybe.”

“She knew the deal, and she seemed okay with that. So maybe we should just...get it over with. Pull back that plaster and tell her.”

John hesitated, pursing his lips in thought. “Just...give it a bit of time. At least until she gets used to seeing me and you together.”

Roger forced a reluctant nod. “Alright. But only because I love how big your heart is. Amongst other things,” Roger said with an over exaggerated wink. “But I’m bargaining. Free food and drink in exchange for my silence.”

John raised his eyebrows in response. “Excuse me?”

“Or at the very least a couple of blowjobs,” Roger smiled.

John rolled his eyes. “God, it’s lucky you’re cute.”

Roger subtly blew him a kiss in response.

-o-

Roger tapped his fingers against his knees, wishing that he was still in band rehearsals. Or better yet, snuggled up with John. Even a boring seminar with Doctor Carrigan was better than this. Hell, he wouldn’t even mind talking about space dust with Brian, just like he was forced to do for two and a bit hours the previous evening.

Anywhere really. Just not here.

In the lifeless therapy room he found himself in on yet another Thursday evening. He doubted this place had ever seen a lick of colour.

He forced himself to sit up when Doctor Hale headed in, a smile on her face as she sat in the armchair opposite.

“Hello Roger. How are you feeling today?”

He gave a small nod. “Good thanks. Better than I have in a while.”

Hence why he didn’t want to be sat there right now.

“That’s good news. Is there a particular reason?”

“Yes actually,” Roger said as he moved to pour himself a glass of water from the jug on the table. “A lot has happened over the course of the last week. Between me and John.”

“And that’s…good?”

“Very good.”

She nodded, reaching for her notebook from her bag next to her on the floor. “And this is despite your reservations last week about John not being able to look past who you are, yes?”

“We’ve come a long way since then.”

“Oh?”

Roger sighed, having expected the question. It was her job to ask. He needed to tell her everything so that she could determine whether it was important for his recovery or not. Which it was. John was.

“So I told you last week about how we kissed again after Brian and Freddie’s engagement party, but that John still seemed kind of...uncertain about whether to give things a chance?”

She hummed in response.

“Well, I was at the Alchemist last Friday. John thought I was on another date. But I wasn’t, I was just with a friend…”

From there, he told her everything.

John being jealous and giving Roger a hand job in the cubicle. Them having sex, and Roger sleeping over at his. The sex in the shower. Bumping into Lucy at the pub and making it clear he’d moved on. John suggesting that they don’t tell her about their relationship yet. And then spending virtually every night spent at John’s, making the most of Freddie’s hectic social life and an empty flat…

He shivered as he internally replayed the night before.

They’d been watching TV, snuggled together on the sofa. Roger had been in a playful mood, and started up a mini-pillow fight using the cushions.

Until eventually, John had won.

He pinned Roger against the sofa, and all he could think about was how truly gorgeous John was. His cheeks were flushed, his eyes mischievous, and his dark, fluffy hair curtained around his face. Roger felt as if he’d been punched in the gut every time he so much as looked at John.

But it wasn’t just his looks.

He was so _good_. He had one of the purest hearts Roger had ever known. He loved cheese on toast and watched far too many of those silly cat videos on Youtube. He loved watching John dance in the middle of the kitchen without a care in the world. Roger would wake up in the mornings either curled around him, or find himself being woken with a coffee and a quick kiss, if John had work or university to run off to.

He made Roger feel _safe_. Happy. Content.

So when he’d looked up to see John grinning gleefully down at him—whilst cheering _I’ve won, I’ve won_ —all Roger could think was how much he wanted him right then, right there.

He used his hands to cradle John’s face and tugged him forwards enough for Roger to kiss him, with all the emotion bubbling up inside of him.

The noise of the television blurred into the background, their focus only on each other.

He’d never had that before. The kind of need for another person that made everything else disappear.

Sex was always just that. Something he did to get off. But with John, it meant so much more. He didn't just want him, he craved him, in every sense. Physically, mentally and emotionally. He needed him simply to exist as a whole.

Every touch mattered. Every kiss reeled him in further.

There was no doubt in Roger’s mind that John was like a drug to him. He’d had a taste. Now he kept coming back for more. Desperate for that intoxicating high that he could only get by being with him.

Roger didn’t think he’d ever felt so sated in his life. In every sense.

Doctor Hale nodded as Roger reached to sip his water. “You have been busy.”

“Yeah, a bit. I consider it making up for lost time. But I know what you’re going to say.”

“What am I going to say, Roger?”

“That I’m rushing into things. And maybe I am. But it feels right. I’ve had countless relationships and none of them have made me feel this good. It’s not just about the sex either, even if all of that is bloody amazing,” he admitted without any sense of shame. “It’s everything. Being with him. Sleeping in the same bed. Cooking together. Normal stuff. Stuff I didn’t want before. But now I do. I like knowing that I seem to make John as happy as he makes me.”

Doctor Hale nodded in response.

“Well then that’s good. So long as you’re sure that those are romantic feelings that you have towards him, and not just a sense of duty.”

“Definitely,” Roger agreed immediately. “I know that before I was having those kinds of fantasies where it was always one-sided. Me pleasuring him. But it’s not like that. We both do things to make the other feel good, because we want to, because that’s what being involved in a relationship is all about.”

“That’s good. That all sounds healthy.”

He couldn’t stop himself from smiling in response, before he sipped on his water.

“And how have you been sleeping? Better? Or are you still getting any new or occurring nightmares?”

He put his glass back down, avoiding her gaze the whole time. “Only...now and again.”

“Tell me about them.”

He sighed in response, reaching for his notebook and passing it to her. Roger had been having the same few dreams on a loop. Most of which consisted of John. The others holding John down at the back of the field and Steven burning a cigarette against his skin. And John being held down as Steven attempted to strip him of his underwear.

He’d also been having one about his Mum. He replayed the sounds of her screams, alongside his father's boisterous temper. Then he’d wake up, knowing how powerless he’d been to stop it all from happening.

The latter, he was a little more resistant to admit outloud. So he didn’t.

“So your nightmares still consist of John being in a helpless situation?”

Roger stared back blankly in response. “Well yeah. Because he was, wasn’t he? I took advantage of that. We all did.”

She frowned in response, still watching him carefully. “How did you take advantage of that, Roger?”

He was struggling not to grow frustrated by her tone. Particularly when it seemed obvious to him what the answer was. “By not doing anything! I was given chance after chance to help him. But instead, I chose not to.”

“How would you have helped, Roger? By standing up to your friends? But by doing so, would you not have run the risk of them turning on you?”

His eyes narrowed slightly in response. “That’s no excuse. I was a total coward. Nothing I say now is ever going to make up for what I did. I’ve said all this before!”

“Surely by thinking like that, you’ll never be able to forgive yourself?”

He looked down at his lap, noticing how tense his hands were. He knew there was no point in reiterating how that was what he thought he deserved. A lifetime of punishment. He knew by experience that she’d only go all Psych on him.

“The willingness to receive counselling must prove that you feel remorseful? And thereby proves that you’re not the same person. The fact that you’re still having nightmares about it is only further proof of your regret. Do you not think?”

“Maybe. What does it matter? I still can’t take any of it back.”

“No, but you can at least try and make amends now. You must see that as a positive of having John back in your life?”

Roger continued to avoid her gaze as he replied. “Of course I do. There’s so many positives to having that. I can finally be the person I always was. I can be with him, without fear of judgement or whatever. He’s...amazing. The fact that he even managed to forgive me so easily just says it all. He has the biggest heart, and he genuinely cares about people, so I guess that I feel like it’s about time that somebody cared that much about him, you know? And I do. Genuinely. I honestly can’t remember a time I ever felt this happy or content.”

“Then I’m pleased for you, Roger.” Doctor Hale said with a small smile.

He still had a feeling that there was about to b _e_ a _but_ coming his way any second now…

“How about your father? Have you had any more dreams about him?”

Roger’s smile immediately disappeared as he looked up at her from underneath his eyelashes. “No.”

She nodded whilst flickering through his notebook. “John seems to be a positive influence on your mood, Roger. You’re having less nightmares, and you don’t seem as triggered by the past as you used to be. However, your reluctance to at least talk about your father might be the one factor stopping you from moving on more fully with your life.”

“I disagree. I’m over all that. The guy’s a dick. The best thing he ever did was walk out on us.”

Doctor Hale hummed thoughtfully in response. “It’s clear that you at least think that's what you believe. But I’m not so sure. Whether you like it or not, examining the patterns of behaviour you saw growing up at home might finally explain some of your behaviour in school—”

“—I don’t think so,” Roger interrupted with an irritable sigh. “Look, surely that’s our hour up?”

She looked down at her watch and nodded.

“Just,” she said carefully before she leaned over to pass him his notebook. “You do realise however that this is something we’ll have to go over next week, Roger? Your resistance to discuss your family has become a recurring issue during your time in Therapy.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’ve said all this before,” Roger replied grouchily as he quickly stood.

“Over the course of the next week, I want you to continue writing in your journal about any nightmares you have, or any negative feelings you might experience,” Doctor Hale said as she started to follow him back out of the room. “And I also want you to take the time to write about your father, and write whatever comes to mind when you think about him.”

“Fine, fine,” Roger said, knowing there was no point arguing against it.

He always felt so drained when he left the confines of that room. He couldn’t wait to finally see the back of the place.

He stopped abruptly, doing a second take when he spotted John sitting in one of the chairs, a hesitant smile on his face. Roger didn’t think he’d ever been so glad to see him.

“John...hi! What are you doing here?”

“Err...well...I know we said we’d meet later, but Freddie asked me to pop into town to buy some more milk, so I just sort of...thought I’d come by and surprise you.” John said, his face slightly pink as he stood up and shuffled towards him. “I hope that’s okay—”

“—Yeah, of course it is. I just wasn’t expecting to see you. But I’m glad you’re here,” Roger said quickly, moving forwards to give him a kiss. John instantly relaxed at his side as his gaze drifted towards Doctor Hale.

“Hello John,” she said, holding out her hand for him to shake. He took it uncertainly.

“Erm…hello. You must be Doctor Hale.”

“That’s me,” she smiled politely. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to rush off to see another patient, but it’s nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, you too,” he said as he returned her smile. He looked back at Roger, his smile widening slightly. “Alright? Good session?”

“Erm…”

Roger hesitated for one brief second. Before realising that he didn’t want to spoil their evening together. He’d got through another week of therapy, and that at the very least, was a positive. “Yeah. It was okay. Come on, I’m parched. I could murder a cup of tea. Shall we head back to yours?”

He took John’s hand and led him back towards the exit. John scoffed as he followed him.

“ _Murder a cup of_ tea? How stereotypically British of you.”

“Pfft, like you can talk. With your cheese on toast. That’s practically a British staple too.”

John sniffed in response. “What can I say? I like cheese.”

“Hmm, and I like you,” Roger repeated sweetly, stopping for half a second to turn and give John a quick peck on the cheek. He beamed a little when he noticed the blush on John’s cheeks.

They stopped off at the corner shop so that John could buy the milk. Then they headed straight back to the flat. Roger followed him through the front door just as it started to rain. He paused by the side of the hallway, staring out of the small window. Watching all the people below running and ducking for cover as it began to chuck it down.

He’d always liked the rain.

Back when he was a kid, he’d make a run for the front door. Escape, if he could. Often, it would start to rain. It felt as if it was the only real thing that could soothe his temper. He’d walk until he was soaked. Only when he’d calmed down enough would he go back. Back to the hell that was his life. Then he’d get in trouble for running away and risk catching a cold.

He jumped a little when he felt John’s hand against his lower back. Roger turned to see his worried expression.

“You okay?”

Roger hummed in response, quickly moving to kick off his shoes and hang his jacket up. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Ignore me. I was just...thinking about stuff.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“Nothing important.”

“Sure? You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

His words stirred something deep inside of Roger.

“I know. But I’m okay. Really.” He insisted, before seizing his chance to change the subject. “ Anyway, are you having tea too?”

John said nothing for a moment, watching Roger slip past him. “Please.”

They both headed for the kitchen.

“What did you feel like doing tonight? Freddie mentioned about Brian coming round for dinner. But if you didn’t fancy that, we could head back to yours, get a bit of privacy—”

“—I don’t mind eating together.”

“Sure?”

Roger hummed quietly as he moved to fill the kettle up.

“Well, it’ll likely be down to me to sort something. I was thinking maybe a greek salad? Something light, especially as Brian doesn't eat meat.”

“Sounds good.”

Roger popped the kettle back on its stand and flicked the switch, watching it begin to boil absentmindedly. Trying not to dwell on his session this evening. And failing.

He was getting there. He knew that.

Him and John were in a good place.

He’d made a life for himself in London. He had friends. Soon, he’d have a degree. He was finally in a band. He was no longer so despairingly miserable.

He had a reason to live. He had several, in fact. John being one of the most important ones.

 _But_.

There was a part of him, a small part, which still hated going over and over everything. He despised talking about his family, his father especially. Yet, he was being forced to do exactly that in his journal, and in next week’s session.

He was dreading it already.

“Why don’t you go and make yourself comfy in the living room? I can wait for it to boil.” John said as he stepped over to his side, immediately regaining Roger’s attention.

“I don’t mind—”

“—I know, but I’m offering,” John insisted with a small smile. “I’ll only be a sec.”

“Okay.”

He curled up on the sofa and flicked the television on. And immediately zoned out.

“I haven’t seen this in ages.”

Roger blinked, looking up from where he was biting a nail to see John heading into the room. Then he realised what was on. A repeat of _The Big Bang Theory_.

“ _Oh_. To be honest, I wasn’t even watching it properly. Guess it's a habit. Having it on in the background. Brian and I used to watch it all the time. Until he started getting annoying, and spent half the time talking about the mistakes they made. Or at least the mistakes that Sheldon apparently makes,” Roger said with a roll of his eyes.

“Yeah, that sounds like something Brian would do,” John said lightly, as he put their cups of tea down on the table.

Roger immediately reached for him. John chuckled as he quickly snuggled against Roger’s side. He gave a soft sigh as Roger leaned down and peppered small kisses along his forehead.

They went back to watching the television quietly.

John seemed to wait until they’d both finished their tea, and their cups had been put back down, before he spoke again.

“So erm...I was wondering...you know….what you normally do after you’ve been to therapy? Like, to relax? Do you sit and talk to Brian about any of it, or do you just kind of...block it from your system until the following week?”

Roger blinked in surprise, not having expected him to ask.

“It depends, I guess. On whether I feel like talking about any of it after I come home.”

“Right,” John said carefully. He tilted his head enough to look at Roger from underneath his eyelashes. “And do you?”

Roger swallowed thickly in response. John was looking at him so sweetly, and with such concern that it made Roger want to cry. He didn’t deserve it, he knew he didn’t. He didn’t deserve _hi_ m.

He lowered his face against John’s shoulder and shook his head. He breathed in the smell of John’s aftershave, the distinct scent that only belonged to John, thinking idly how much it reminded him of home.

Because he was his _home_. Wherever he was, Roger always wanted to be.

John sighed, tangling his hand in the back of Roger’s hair softly.

“I never want you to feel like you have to talk about any of it. Just know that you can, if you need to.”

“Okay,” Roger said gruffly, his voice slightly muffled by the way his mouth was pressed against John’s skin. He stayed there, willing his tears to dry as he thought about just how incredible he was. How much Roger honestly adored him. “I’m sorry. For everything I did to you.”

“I know,” John said quickly as he tangled his hand in Roger’s curls softly. “I can see how much you regret everything that happened for myself. But you don’t owe me anymore apologies, Roger. All of that is in the past.”

Roger gave a small nod, reluctantly letting John go when he attempted to pull back to look at him properly. His eyes lowered to John’s shoulder, conscious of the fact that his eyes were probably still a little damp.

“How about we go and do something fun? We could rummage through Freddie’s wardrobe, shuffle things around. Can you believe he’s got the patience to organise it all by colour palette?”

“What and give him more reasons to hate me?”

“He doesn’t hate you,” John said sincerely as he reached out a hand to wipe away a stray tear. “Besides, he probably won’t even notice until after dinner. I’ll just say I did it when I got bored, and wanted to wind him up. He’ll believe that, after using all the bloody hot water up singing in the shower yesterday morning. Suffice to say, I wasn’t best pleased. Come on.”

Roger gave a weak smile, letting him pull him up from the sofa.

-o-

_The group's laughter drowned out the yelp of pain he gave as they tugged him upwards by his dark hair. Only for Steven to shove him back against the grass forcefully, a cruel smirk on his face._

_John’s bottom lip wobbled in response. Until he bit down on it, trying to stop it shaking._

_“What is it going to take for a fag like you to realise nobody wants you here? Even your friends will realise soon enough, Deacon. You’re a freak. Always will be. And because of that, you need to be punished_ — _”_

_John flinched as Steven pulled back his leg, ready to kick him. He covered his face with his hands, and began to beg._

_“—Please, stop it! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”_

_Roger stayed lurking in his friends' shadows, giving a paranoid look around. The field was still abandoned. Everyone had gone home. He winced at the sound of Steven’s foot colliding against John’s body._

_“Yeah, you should be. You don’t even deserve to breathe the same air that we do_ — _”_

_“—Right, that’s enough. Stop it.”_

_They all turned towards Roger, their expressions hardening._

_“Don’t be such a loser, Rog!” Michael said with a frown._

_“You’ve proved your point, haven’t you? Or do you want to get caught, is that it?” Roger said desperately. He didn’t like the way Steven was watching him. “Look, you know my Mum will kill me if she knows I’ve been getting into—”_

_“—Fights, we know,” Steven said quietly. “Hence why we said about luring him to the back of the field after everyone had gone home.”_

_Roger swallowed thickly, resisting the urge to remind them how he hadn’t really agreed anything. In fact, he’d been all for simply staying away from John. For both of their peace of minds._

_“Yes, and you have. So come on. Let’s just leave it now.”_

_“Where would the fun be in that?” Steven said with another smirk, as he began to tread closer to him. Roger backed away in response. “Come on Roger. Prove us all wrong. Be a man for once in your life.”_

_The group began to crowd round him instead. John’s cowering figure forgotten about._

_Until the group parted. John stood back up, all that fear in his eyes gone. Replaced with anger and disgust as he glowered back at Roger. “Yeah, come on Roger. Be a man for once in your life.”_

_Suddenly, Roger was the one cowering. In the corner of his room, at home. Back in Kings Lynn, before he moved to Cornwall with his Mum and sister. His Dad’s splotchy, pink face bore down on him, anger in his eyes as he strode towards him, his fist raised ready. “Be a man for once in your life, Roger!”_

He jolted upright in bed. His chest was heaving, his breathing shallow, as beads of sweat clung to his naked body.

It had all felt so _real_.

The duvet rustled softly from around his thighs.

“Roger?”

John’s soft voice lulled Roger immediately. It pulled him back into the present, helping him remember where he was. _In John’s bed. He was safe._

He reached out a hand blindly, making contact with John’s arm. “I’m fine. Just a bad dream. Go back to sleep.”

He turned away to reach for the glass of water. Then tried to push away the heavy sadness settling in his bones as easily as he’d pushed away his sweaty hair from his forehead.

He felt the bed dip. He could virtually sense John behind him, worry in his eyes as he stared at Roger’s outline in the darkness. “What was it about?”

“Just...things,” Roger said vaguely, hating how weak he sounded, even to his own ears.

“Things that have happened in the past?”

“I guess.”

He knew his tone wasn’t helpful as he put the glass back down. But sometimes his dreams still got to him. Played on his mind, until he was practically drowning in his own self pity. Pity he knew he didn’t deserve.

“I get dreams like that too. Not so much now.”

Roger said nothing as John’s fingers traced his back. Causing shivers to erupt in their wake. Roger focused on that instead. The warmth such a simple touch by him brought on.

“Did you want to talk about it? I’ve got a good ear. According to Fred anyway.”

John was a good listener. He had the ability to make others feel safe. Or at least, he certainly did with Roger.

“I’ll be alright in a minute.”

John didn’t respond. Instead, his hands drifted around his shoulders. Roger sighed at the feel of John’s body against his back. Enjoying his closeness.

He still didn’t feel as if he deserved any of this. John, happiness, or any kind of life. Part of him still believed that he should have died when he was sixteen. Something he couldn’t exactly say aloud.

John had the perfect opportunity to see them suffer when Steven and the rest assaulted him in the last year of school. Instead, he chose to lie.

It was something that still baffled Roger.

“Can I ask you a question?”

John hummed in response.

“Why did you lie to the headmaster about what happened? That day we cornered you in the changing room?”

Roger could practically feel him tense from behind him in response. “What...why are you asking about that now?”

“Because I need to understand. It would have been the perfect chance to get revenge.” Roger exhaled shakily, forcing the next words out of his mouth. “After all we did to you.”

“But I didn’t want that. I had a choice. Tell the truth and risk getting the police involved. Risk you all having criminal records. Or lie and say it was a fight that got out of hand. Take myself out of the situation like I probably should have done in the first place. Instead of burying my head in the sand or hoping that they’d get bored.”

“So you didn’t go to the police because you didn’t want us getting in trouble? Even if that was exactly what we deserved.”

“In a sense. I just wanted to forget that day happened. To be left alone for good.”

Roger frowned guiltily in response.

“God we were such dicks to you, John. How can you stand to look at me after everything you went through? I was a total coward. The thought of anyone ever treating my little sister like that...you were just as vulnerable. Antagonised daily just for being you.”

John’s hands were still rigid against Roger’s shoulders as he replied. “Okay, but I’ve already said. All of that is in the past. We’re not the same people, Roger. Don’t let the guilt eat at you forever. Besides, I’ve forgiven you, haven’t I? Why do you seem to find it so hard to forgive yourself?”

The answer was obvious. At least to Roger, it was.

“Because...I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve any of it,” Roger said quietly.

“Bollocks,” John said firmly from behind him. “I saw your face that day. I saw the look in your eyes after it happened, Roger. You were scared. You didn’t want to be a part of any of that. And you tried. I heard you speak up—”

“—It’s not enough!” Roger erupted before he could stop himself. “I failed you. Just like I failed Mum. And Clare.”

“Fucking seriously?”

Roger blinked heavily as John leaned across to flick the bedside lamp on, immediately casting the room in a dim, yellow glow. He watched John shift himself in the corner of his eyes so that he was sat besides Roger.

“You were just a kid too. It wasn’t your job to protect me. It was the school’s. And yeah, they let me down.” John said quietly. “But I got over it, didn’t I? In the end. Neither was it your responsibility to save your Mum and sister. The only person to blame for that situation is your Dad. For being the abusive prick he was.”

Roger turned his head slightly, enough to catch the anger in John’s eyes.

“That isn’t the only reason you’re with me, is it? Out of some misplaced guilty conscience?”

Roger’s eyes grew wide in response, fearing he’d caused John to believe such a thing.

“ _What_? No John, of course not!”

John stared back unconvinced. “Really? Because it sounds to me like you’ve got some sort of irrational hero complex or something. Like you want to somehow erase whatever wrongdoings you feel like you might have caused to anybody in your life which is—”

“—I don’t get what you see in me, that’s all—”

“—Well, I could ask you the same thing. You said it yourself that you’ve been with your fair share of women. You could probably have your pick of men too, if you wanted to—”

“—But I don’t want anybody else. I want _you_. I do. I just don’t feel as if I deserve you, that’s all—”

“—Which I told you. Is a load of bollocks, and—”

“—It’s true! You’re bloody amazing, John! I just wish you could see it for yourself. I mean christ, don’t you get how much I fucking _love you_?”

They stopped talking at the same time.

John’s mouth dropped open in response.

And Roger had never wanted to curl up into a ball and die more than in that moment.

“Wait, _what_?”

Roger was filled with panic. They’d been together less than a week. So much for not coming on too strong.

“Nothing. Just forget it—”

“—Hang on. You love me?”

“Drop it, John.” Roger said irritably as he attempted to draw back the covers and stand, so that he could run from the room as fast as his legs would allow him to.

He should be so lucky.

John tugged him back by his arm, locking him against the edge of the bed, with John nestled against his side. Roger sighed in response.

“Look, it was just a stupid slip of the tongue. So….let’s just ignore I said it, okay?”

“So you didn’t mean it?”

“That’s not the point. I’ve been crazy about you for years, so I guess it makes sense for me to feel like that so quickly. Just...pretend you didn’t hear that.”

John frowned at him in response. “But I did.”

“I know. That’s why I said _pretend_. Let’s just skip it back to thirty seconds ago when I was being all woeful, and forget it ever happened.”

John bit the edge of his lip. Roger thought he looked utterly adorable. All wide, sleepy eyes, and warm, rosy cheeks. Was it really any wonder he was already so hopelessly in love with him?

“Thing is...I don’t feel quite ready to say it back yet.”

“Hence why I suggested dropping this conversation all together in the first place.”

“Stop being so mardy,” John said with a roll of his eyes. Then he leaned close enough to kiss Roger’s cheek. “It doesn't mean that I don’t _really_ like you. I just don’t think it’s fair on either of us to say it until I’m absolutely certain, that’s all.”

Roger looked away quickly. It was inevitable that he’d be the one to fall first.

“I get it. You don’t owe me an explanation.”

“No. But I want you to know. What we have is something... _special_. Or at the very least, could be. All I know is that you make me feel good, and I like being around you. I like what we have right now.”

Roger’s stomach twisted pleasantly in response to John’s words.

“Same.”

“Right then,” John said, leaning forwards enough to brush his nose against his. “How about in the meantime, every time you feel like saying you love me, you let it happen. And in return, I’ll remind you how much I really, _really_ like you.”

Roger’s face lit up instantly. “Is that like…reminding me physically? Or…”

“Don’t push it,” John teased, hiding his smile against Roger’s lips.

-o-

Roger finished brushing his hair in the mirror on his wardrobe door. He chucked it in the direction of the bed, deciding he could make time to tidy up later at some point. Preferably before John came over and saw what a tip it was again.

With that decided, he shoved his converses on, and grabbed his jacket. Then he headed out.

“ _Deacy_ …hi!”

John’s smile quickly began to disappear.

“You forgot we were meeting, didn’t you?”

“What? No! Of course not! I just didn’t realise what time it was, that’s all,” Roger backtracked. When it was obvious he wasn’t fooling anyone, his shoulders slumped in defeat. “Okay. I’ll admit that I might have forgotten. A bit. Sorry Deacs. I feel really bad.”

What made it worse was that John looked so _good_. He always did, but his hair seemed even fluffier today, as if he’d washed it this morning especially. Guilt churned away at Roger at the thought. Fighting against that, was the urge to reach out and touch John’s hair. Maybe let his hands fall towards the opening of his shirt. Then pull him through the doorway and against him, and show him how much he already missed him since seeing him last night...

Roger reluctantly pulled himself from his own fantasy to see John paint on a smile which didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Well don’t. It’s fine. I’ll just go and meet up with Freddie if you’re busy.”

“Nah, it’s all cool! Besides, you’re here now. I’ve always got time to hang out with you.”

John eyed the coat in Roger’s hands uncertainly. “Were you not about to head out?”

“Oh yeah. Just to band rehearsals. But that’ll be over in like half an hour. An hour tops.”

John continued to stand in the doorway uncertainly. “I don’t mind if you’ve made other plans. I’ll just see you at the weekend instead—”

“—I promise I won’t be long. We’re only really meeting to run through a couple of songs for that gig I told you about,” Roger rushed to interrupt as he reached out to practically tug John inside by the hand. “Why don’t you go and make yourself at home, and I’ll be back as soon as I can get away. There’s milk in the fridge, or we have cans of beer. There’s biscuits in the cupboard, I think we still have a couple of slices of bread left too if you’re feeling peckish, and I got that cheese I knew you liked—”

“—I’ll be fine, Rog,” John interrupted with a soft laugh. He swapped places with Roger in the doorway, pushing him gently out of the front door. “Go. Quicker you leave, the quicker you can get back.”

“Good point,” Roger agreed easily. He stepped forwards to give John a quick kiss. “Love you.”

“Uh-huh. See you in a bit.”

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! And I can only apologize for how long this chapter has taken me to edit. :( And hope that people haven't given up waiting, bored from no new updates. Just know I've hated every minute of not being able to edit, but unfortunately life just keeps getting in the way.  
> So my laptop broke a few days after my last update which consequently put me behind, as although I luckily have my Mum's laptop as spare, it's very slow, which means editing takes three times as long. And then I've just been so busy with work, that I've not had enough hours in the day to get this all finished up.  
> So anyway, hopefully it's worth the wait! Next chapter is where it all kicks off BIG TIME. So looking forward to getting your reactions on that one!
> 
> I'm hopefully looking to update each week, and whilst I try my upmost to make that happen unfortunately for now, it might be more likely to be more like every two weeks.
> 
> Sorry guys!  
> Hope you all have a good week, and hopefully I'll be here same time next Monday! 
> 
> P.S. Please keep your reviews coming in, as they've been making me so happy to read over the last few weeks. I honestly love you all, and love reading your thoughts and wonderful comments! <3


	23. And Your Papa Don't Mind...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JOHN'S POV
> 
> There's a flashback to John's first ever party where he suddenly comes to a realization about himself...And then the chapter goes back to the present time, where John finds something surprising in Roger's belongings and begins to read...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating for swearing, smut, homophobia and referenced/implied talk of suicide attempt.

_ John winced as he downed the vodka shot that Holly had handed him. She smiled in response, her hand brushing his as she took his glass away. _

_ “Hmm, nice right?” _

_ “Yeah, nice,” John forced himself to say. _

_ It left a funny taste in his mouth, if he was being honest. But given it was his first ever party, John wanted to at least keep up appearances with everyone else. _

_ He glanced around the kitchen again. _

_ There was a crowd in every room. _

_ Some of them were talking loudly over the heavy bass music playing in the background. There was a couple to the side, snogging. And there were others playing either Truth or Dare or Spin the Bottle in the living room. _

_ None of that appealed to John. Hence why he’d taken himself off to the corner of the kitchen, where Holly had found him not long ago. _

_ He mumbled a quiet thank you as Holly thrust a bottle of beer into his hand. She smiled in response, curling a strand of hair behind her ear as she sipped on her own. _

_ “So erm....is Lewis here tonight?” _

_ Somehow, John managed to sound casual. Inside, his heart skipped a beat, and his stomach did an excitable flip at the thought of bumping into Lewis at an actual party. _

_ Things were still a little...awkward since their kiss at the start of the year. Lewis still had a girlfriend. But a part of John hoped that maybe things would be easier outside of school. There didn’t have to be a pretense. Especially if—by some miracle—Charlotte wasn’t there with him. _

_ He felt a swell of disappointment as Holly shook her head. _

_ “To be honest, I don’t think it’s really his scene.” _

_ John knew how he felt. The longer he spent at one of these things, the more he felt like a fish out of water. _

_ “At least there’s no chance of the dickhead’s being here tonight. Steven’s out of town, and as for the other lot...well, they weren’t invited, let’s just say that.” She said as her gaze flickered over John’s face, clearly mistaking his expression. “So you can relax, John. I’d have never invited them. Not after all the shit they’ve done to you.” _

_ He offered an uncertain smile in response. He was reluctant to admit he’d been more concerned about seeing Lewis. _

_ She reached for his arm, pulling him back towards the hallway. _

_ “Come on. Loads of people from our year are still playing Truth or Dare in the living room.” _

_ John still wasn’t especially keen on the idea of joining them, but the fact that Holly wanted to, made him remain quiet. Especially after she’d made the effort to invite him. _

_ Holly made herself at home by perching herself in John’s lap as he went to sit on the sofa. He tensed a little, his bottle of beer rigid in his hand. He didn’t feel the urge to pull her closer or tuck her hair back behind her ear. In fact, all he could think about was how boney her bum was. And how suddenly uncomfortable he felt, as a couple of the girls oohed and aahed in response. _

_ “God, you two are so cute!” Hayley—one of Hannah’s friends—said with a smile. “You make such a sweet couple.” _

_ “Yeah, you really do,” another said in agreement from the edge of the circle. _

_ “Thanks babes!” Holly said with a grin as she wrapped an arm around John’s shoulder. He said nothing, suddenly in need of more drink. He wasn’t sure quite how he’d gotten himself into this predicament exactly. They’d not even kissed yet. He was quite happy for things to remain that way. _

_ “What I want to know though, is if you’ve done it yet.” Hayley said with a glint in her eyes. _

_ Some of the lads made gagging noises in response. _

_ “Jesus Wilson, we don’t want to know that!” _

_ “Then piss off into the kitchen!” Hayley rolled her eyes in response, completely ignoring the way that Holly groaned at her question, her face slightly pink. “Well? Don’t be shy, you two!” _

_ Holly just shrugged in response. _

_ “Not yet. To be honest, I’m still waiting for John to ask me out officially.” _

_ With that, she raised her bottle of beer to her lips, whilst a chorus of disbelief erupted. Then she turned back to John with a smile as he was bombarded with questions, all of them wanting to know why he hadn’t made it official yet. That was, until finally one of the guys suggested they got back to playing Truth or Dare, and John was eternally thankful the spotlight had quickly been shifted back off of him. _

_ The more beers that John had, the more buzzed he was. He felt warm all over, and he had this sort of tingly sensation inside of him. It wasn’t unpleasant though. Apart from that he kept laughing at the silliest of things, and he wasn’t even too sure why. _

_ Then the bottle landed on Holly. _

_ Hayley smiled at them from across the circle. She’d just been dared to kiss one of the other girls from their year. “Truth or dare Holly-brolly?” _

_ “Dare, obviously!” _

_ “Perfect! I dare you to kiss John!” _

_ And there it was. The moment he’d been dreading. _

_ “Wait...what?” _

_ “You heard me, Deacon! You two have spent all year eyeing each other up, and I think it’s about time that the two of you sealed the deal so to speak.” _

_ His stomach dropped at her words. _

_ He liked Holly, he did. And yes, she’d been flirting with him. But John had never been fully sure on how to respond to it all. _

_ She was a good friend. No doubt. But was it enough to fuel a relationship when the thought of kissing her made John’s toes curl, and not in a good way? _

_ Holly turned in John’s lap to look at him, a smile on her face. “I don’t mind, if you don’t?” _

_ “Well…” _

_ Before he could think of an excuse, her arms tightened around his neck and she began to lean in closer. _

_ “Don’t worry John, I don’t bite,” she teased. Her face was slightly pink as she bit her bottom lip. John noticed absentmindedly that her thumb was stroking the back of his neck. “Not unless you want me to, of course.” _

_ He swallowed thickly, suddenly feeling sick with nerves. But before he could respond, she leaned forwards and pressed her lips to his. _

_ It was a soft kiss. Light, uncertain, shy. _

_ John kissed her back, praying that he’d feel something. The kind of want that he’d felt with Lewis. Instead, he just wanted it to be over. _

_ Holly seemed unaware as she pulled back with a smile, her gaze heavy,. _

_ John blushed as people whistled and cheered. Holly giggled as she turned to look around the room. _

_ “Jesus, the sexual chemistry between you two is insane!” One of the other girls said with a smile, her gaze flickering between the two of them as she sipped her drink. _

_ “You guys definitely need to go and get a room!” Hayley agreed with another smile. _

_ “Yeah, alright. Maybe we will.” _

_ Before John could work out what was happening, she’d taken his hand and pulled him up and out of the room. He followed blindly, barely aware of the sound of them cheering again as he fought to keep up with her. _

_ “Wait, hang on. Where are we going?” _

_ She pulled on his hand, until he almost fell up the stairs following her. His thoughts were a blur as he rushed to understand what was happening. _

_ “Where do you think? My room.” _

_ John struggled not to panic. He’d never gone further than kissing anybody, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to change that. Not right now. Not with Holly, of all people. _

_ “But wait, I’m not sure—” _

_ She tugged him into her bedroom, before quickly shutting the door behind them. _

_ John went to speak, to at least try and suggest they slow things down a little. But then she kissed him again, roughly this time. Her tongue eagerly sought his as his hands began to push her away from her shoulders. _

_ He didn’t want this. He didn’t want Holly. _

_ How could he say that though? How could he get her to understand the panic he was feeling? _

_ He stumbled backwards, slumping against the edge of the bed as she rushed to pull up her dress. _

_ “Wait—Holly—I really think we need to slow down. I’ve never done anything like this before—” _

_ “—That’s okay. I have. Once. With Thomas, last year.” _

_ Thomas was on the Rugby team. He’d heard they’d gone out for a bit. Then she’d begun to get closer to John once they started year eleven. And John hadn’t been sure what to make of all the attention. _

_ “Okay, but I’m not sure I feel comfortable doing—” _

_ He broke off as she dropped her dress to the floor. Naturally, John’s gaze was drawn to her petite body. The curve of her breasts, her flat stomach, her slender legs, and the lacy underwear she had on. Holly was beautiful. Big, hazel eyes, and long, dark hair. Olive skin without a blemish in sight. _

_ But he felt nothing. _

_ He knew most of the guys in school would probably kill to be in his position right now. Not John though. He wanted to be anywhere else but here. _

_ She made the most of his hesitance by climbing into his lap a little shyly, and giving him a coy smile. _

_ “I can lead if you want? I can make you feel so good, John. If you just let me.” _

_ When she kissed him again, he didn’t fight it. He closed his eyes and willed himself to be into it. Told himself he liked the way she was grinding against his lap. Told himself he was getting off on the sound of her moans. _

_ In reality, all he could think about was how much he wished it was Lewis. _

_ He pushed her away, his hands at her shoulders. She blinked at him, her gaze heavy but confused, her lipstick smudged. “I…I can’t do this.” _

_ She shook her head in response. _

_ “Sure you can, John. You’re just nervous. I told you, let me lead—” _

_ “—It’s nothing to do with being nervous. Don’t you get it? I’m not into this.” _

_ She frowned in response, her arms limp around his neck. “How do you know if you won’t even let yourself be open to it?” _

_ “Because I just know, okay.” _

_ She sighed in response, climbing back out of his lap and grabbing for her dress. He watched her pull it over her head, her back to him. _

_ “I’m sorry—” _

_ “—I don’t get you, John,” she interrupted irritably. “You blow so hot and cold. One minute, I think you actually genuinely like me, and next minute, you’re acting all... _ **_you_ ** _ again!” _

_ “I know, I’m really sorry—” _

_ “—So you said.” _

_ He sighed in response, guilt churning inside of himself as he watched her push her hair back from her face. She didn’t get it. How could she when he barely did himself? Except he did. He’d just spent too long denying the truth in the hope that he was wrong. _

_ But now he knew more than ever. _

_ “I do like you. Just not like that. I thought maybe I could. But I see now that it’s impossible, Because...well, the thing is…” he trailed off, taking a deep breath and forcing the words out. “The thing is...I’m fairly sure that...I’m gay.” _

_ She suddenly stopped moving. Her back still to him. _

_ “I’ve had my suspicions for a while. I don’t think I wanted it to be true. I wanted to like you. You were just always so nice to me. But in reality—” _

_ “—In reality, you wanted Lewis.” _

_ She slowly turned back to look at him. John realized she didn’t exactly seem that surprised. _

_ “Basically.” _

_ She gave a small, weak nod. _

_ “I’m sorry.” _

_ “I know you are, John. But...you have no reason to be.” She insisted quietly. She stepped forwards, keeping her gaze on the carpet until she moved to sit besides him on the bed. “If I’m being honest with myself, I always wondered. Especially when us three used to hang out. You were just always so close. But then, Lewis started seeing Charlotte, and I wondered if maybe I’d got the wrong idea. Maybe you both liked girls after all.” _

_ John nodded, his gaze still trained on her face. Trying to understand what she was saying. “So...you started flirting with me to see if you were right?” _

_ “No, I started flirting with you because I’ve always liked you. Like that. That’s why I used to stick up for you when Steven and the rest used to bully you. I hated seeing you so upset.” _

_ John never had a clue. Although, perhaps it was obvious when he looked back on it. Instead, his focus had always been on Lewis. _

_ Now he didn’t know what to say. Or how to help. So instead, he just said— _

_ “Sorry.” _

_ She rolled her eyes in response, and nudged him softly with her elbow. _

_ “Jeez John, stop apologizing! You’ve done nothing wrong!” _

_ “Haven’t I?” _

_ In reality, he felt like he had. Like he’d maybe lead her on a little. _

_ “Of course not. You can’t help how you feel,” she insisted softly. “Just like I can’t help being the wrong sex, right?” _

_ “I guess.” _

_ He met her gaze, and the two broke into laughter for a moment. Then she sighed, pressing a hand to his leg and squeezing gently. “This doesn’t change my opinion of you, by the way. You’re still the same person. To me. Gay or not.” _

_ He smiled in response, thankful for her words. He needed to hear them more than he realized. _

_ “Thanks Holly. I appreciate that. You’re an amazing friend, you know? I’m not just saying that. You stand up for what you believe in, you’re kind, you’re beautiful too—” _

_ She groaned in response. _

_ “—You have to say that, John. Given that you kinda' just rejected me and all.” _

_ “No, I mean it,” John said more firmly. “Anybody would be lucky to know you, let alone be with you. I just...don’t see you like that. You’re like my little sister. I genuinely feel as protective of you as I do about Julie.” _

_ “Thanks John. You’re an amazing mate too.” Holly beamed in response, her eyes slightly glassy. Then she tilted her head, resting it on his shoulder. “Love you.” _

_ He smiled a little in response, resting his cheek against the top of her head. “Love you too.” _

_ “Fyi, I won’t tell anyone about this. Not unless you want me to. Not until you’re ready. And when you are, I’ll be right there besides you. Ready to fight your corner should anyone have a problem with it. Along with Lewis, I’m sure.” _

_ John wished he had her faith. _

_ “Thanks Holly.” _

-o-

John slipped off his shoes as the front door closed quietly. He hung his jacket up and followed the hallway round to Roger’s bedroom.

Unsurprisingly, it was a mess.

His hairdryer was still plugged in on the floor. There was a cup, a glass, and a tea plate still on his bedside table. The duvet was in a heap at the foot of his bed. His hairbrush was lying on his pillow and there were piles of clothes tossed about his bed.

It reminded John of the first time he’d seen his room a couple of weeks ago.

He’d arranged to meet Roger at the tube station after they’d both finished university. Because John had missed him. Despite the fact that he’d only seen him less than two days before.

Freddie and Brian were staying the night at John’s, so he suggested sleeping over at his instead.

The whole way back, Roger had held his hand. It was nice.

It was crazy how just a simple touch like that made John crave more. Made him want to lean in and tangle his other hand in his hair, pull Roger closer, and kiss him long and deeply.

John had never been this keen on anybody else.

Every moment they spent apart, he couldn’t seem to get Roger off of his mind. It was kind of maddening, but in the best way.

Roger seemed to have missed him just as much. If the way he’d tugged John in through the front door and kissed him like his life depended on it, was anything to go by.

They stumbled in the direction of his bedroom, their hands already hurrying to rid one another of their clothing.

Roger threw open the door, almost tumbling over a pair of pink sparkly trainers in the middle of the room. Then he was pulling away, his cheeks flushed, his lips deliciously full and pink from their kisses.

John’s gaze was locked on his face, on his disheveled blonde hair, his mind fuzzy with desire.

Roger had mumbled apologies as he raced around the room, kicking shoes under the bed and throwing underwear left on the floor into a basket in the corner.

By the time that he started to make the bed, John could think clearly enough to step into the room and insist that none of that mattered. He was here to see him. Simple.

He didn’t add that he didn’t really think there was any point in neatening the bed. Not when John had full intentions of messing it back up again, preferably with Roger grinding against his lap…

John could admit that he liked things done in an orderly way. However, he found Roger’s lack of that oddly endearing.

He’d already made it clear that should John ever come round whilst he wasn’t there, he should turn a blind eye. But John liked organizing. It made him feel useful. Plus, it gave him something to do whilst he waited for Roger.

So he rolled up his sleeves and got to work.

He took the dirty cutlery to the kitchen to wash and wipe up. Then he came back and unplugged the hairdryer, and set it on Roger’s desk in the corner of the room, next to his laptop, hoping that’s where it might belong. He put his hairbrush back inside his bedside drawer, and began to sort through the piles of clothing on his bed. It was kind of difficult to make out what was washing and what was clean laundry as none of it was exactly folded, but John did his best. He put all the clean stuff on hangers, until he ran out of them and had to start folding them to go on the top shelf of his wardrobe.

His hand brushed against something hard at the back. Curious, John reached for it.

It was a small, plain shoe box. He lifted the lid to see a number of things inside. A hospital ID band with Roger’s name and date of birth on it. A picture of a blonde woman, holding a baby, whilst looking down at it adoringly. There was also a picture of two small boys, grinning for the camera, and with their arms around each other. One had messy, dirty blonde hair, and the other had dark hair, which was just as curly as Brian’s hair, just a little shorter...

And more curiously, a wad of paper folded over.

John frowned in response, unfolding it and beginning to read the words on the page.

_ Brian, _

_ First and foremost, I need to apologize for making you deal with what you’ll inevitably come home and find. It was the easiest way I could think of. It was never my intention to cause you any unnecessary trauma. _

_ I had to do it. I hope you’ll understand that. I hope you’ll learn to forgive me in time. _

_ Thank you for helping me with my grades. I hope you don’t feel as if it was a total waste of time. Even though, in a way I guess it was. I’d have never been smart enough to get into university. Not like you. Brainbox of London. Wizard on guitar. _

_ Your parents were right. I didn’t have anything to aspire to. Not like you. I’m a decent enough drummer, I guess. How likely would it have been that I’d have gotten anywhere with that? _

_ I was a burden. I see that now. To you, your family, and worst of all, to my Mum. It wasn’t fair. You’ll have ended up hating me too, no matter how much you may want to deny it. _

_ I tried to be a good friend to you, Brian. Just like you were to me. I honestly don’t think I’d have survived these last few months without your help. So please, whatever you do, don’t blame yourself. _

_ It now seems almost inevitable that this was how my life would end. _

John frowned in response.  _ Surely not _ , he thought as he continued to read.  _ This couldn’t be what he thought it was.  _

_ I can’t remember a time when I was ever truly happy. Not completely. Although obviously, there were times that it came pretty close. _

_ Like all those days out with you and your family. _

_ That night you stayed round mine, and we pretended to be asleep until Mum went to bed. Then we stayed up until three in the morning playing that video game, until my Mum overheard and came and gave us a right bollocking for it. _

_ Or when me and you used to play football at the park, all those times I let you kick my arse. Yes, let! I still say I let you win. _

_ I wish I’d have been more honest with myself from the beginning. Who knows how differently things might have been? _

_ Maybe I could have fixed things with John. I might never have had to. Maybe if I’d not spent so much fucking time worrying about Steven, I’d have saved John from being so miserable too. _

_ I guess we’ll never know. _

_ Please will you tell my Mum how sorry I am. If I’d have been a better son, if I’d have stood up to the bullies instead of becoming like them, she might have found it easier to love me. _

_ I should have protected her from my Dad. Maybe then she wouldn’t have found it so difficult to let people in. Even her own children. _

_ Tell my sister that I love her. Please. I hope one day she too will be able to understand why I did what I did. Tell her to keep working on her practice SAT’s. Learn from my mistakes. Always be kind. Thin for herself. Don’t follow the crowd, no matter how easy it seems. Be friends with the weird kid. They might just turn out to be the best sort of friend. _

_ And as for John. Oh god, John. _

_ I could cry just thinking about him. Especially when I think about everything I helped do to him. _

_ I hope when I eventually fall asleep for good, I’ll still get to see his face. _

John felt sick to his core. He pushed his hair back from his face and went to sit against the bed. Then he forced himself to continue reading.

_ His lovely smile, his beautiful eyes. Even if it means him still hating me in the afterlife, I’d take it. _

_ I know it’s morbid. But I have to believe in something. The thought of never seeing you again. Or Mum. Or Clare. Or John. It’s all too horrible for me to consider. _

He had to stop reading. Just for a minute. He left the letter in his lap and blinked away the moisture in his eyes.  _ How could Roger not tell him something like this existed? It didn’t seem right _ . He sighed as his gaze trailed the page, searching for where he’d got up to.

_ If you manage to find John, I’d appreciate it if you could let him read this. And my journal. Explain everything to him as clearly as I know you can. I need him to realize how sorry I am. I’m not expecting forgiveness. I’d understand if he didn’t want to read any of it. But at least I can say that I tried to put things right, one last time. _

_ Lastly, I’d like Follow the Sun to be played at my funeral. You know the one. By the Beatles. Depressing, I know, but I like the lyrics. I don’t care about any of the other stuff. Dance along to Bob Marley for all I care. I don’t want to imagine people crying. I want people reminiscing and smiling. I want people to remember as I am now. Ready to die. _

_ And I meant what I said tonight. I love you, Brian. Always will. Thanks for believing in me, for giving me the time of day when nobody else would. Rightly so, some would say. I truly am sorry for burdening you with this. But somehow, I know you’ll be able to handle it. _

_ Goodbye Brian. I hope we’ll meet again one day. _

_ Love, _

_ Roger _

Reading all of that made John feel physically ill. And left him with questions he needed answers to. Like whether or not, Roger attempted to...end his life. Or whether Brian had got to him before he could. And why had Roger never said a word about it? Did he not trust John enough to tell him? Did he still feel like that now?

The very thought made John’s stomach flip horribly.  _ God, he hoped he didn’t _ . But then, why else was he still going to therapy?

John folded the letter back up and kept it in his grip, against his lap. He stared at the corner of the room, to a frayed section of the carpet as he tried to process everything he’d just read.

He barely noticed the sound of the front door. And then—

“Sorry if I took a little longer babe!”

John stayed sat where he was, trying to swallow the lump that had lodged itself in his throat at the thought of how close it must have come to never hearing Roger’s voice again.

“I got talking to Mikey, the bassist. He was just telling me how all the tickets for the gig have been sold already! How amazing is—”

Roger cut himself off as he stood in his bedroom doorway. “John? What’s wrong? What's that in your lap?”

John had tears in his eyes again. He wiped them away quickly, turning enough to stare at Roger’s tatty Adidas trainers he had on.

“I erm...I found this. In that box at the back of your wardrobe. Whilst I was tidying your clothes away.”

“You didn’t need to...you should have just left it. Like I told you to—”

“—Never mind that. Why didn’t you tell me?”

John lifted his gaze enough to look at Roger accusingly. Watched the way he shuffled his weight from one foot to the other, his stare directed at the carpet. His cheeks were slightly flushed, his blonde hair tousled from the breeze outside.

John drank Roger’s features in. He’d spent years thinking he never wanted to see him again. He almost got his wish. And he’d have been none the wiser until it was too late...

“‘Didn’t think it was important. It happened a long time ago.”

John’s eyebrows furrowed in response. “You don’t expect me to believe that. If you ask me, this counts as a pretty big deal.”

Anger grew brighter in Roger’s eyes. “Yes, well I didn’t ask. What are you so concerned about? I obviously didn’t succeed, because I’m still bloody here!”

John’s stomach twisted in response to his words. He’d actually tried. He’d reached a point where he was so riddled with guilt, he actually wanted to die.

He rushed to set aside the letter and stand, as Roger suddenly turned on his heels and stalked through the hallway.

“We need to talk about this. Surely you realise we can’t just ignore it?”

“What’s there to say? I told you. It’s not important.”

John lingered in the kitchen doorway. He watched Roger slam the cupboard door closed again after grabbing a glass, and remained silent as he turned to pour himself some water.

Once Roger had taken a sip, he tried again.

“You tried to take your own life, Roger. How is that  _ not important _ ?”

Roger sighed loudly in response as he set his glass down on the worktop, and leaned his hands against the edge. “Look. It happened just after I started therapy. I got help. I got better. So just drop it. Not everything needs to be over-analyzed, you know?”

John felt even more perplexed.

“It’s hardly over-analyzing by asking you why you’ve never even mentioned this. It’s not like it’s something you could forget—”

“—For  _ fuck’s sake _ , John!” Roger cursed as he suddenly turned to face him. His eyes were wild, his forehead creased with anger. “Okay fine, you want the truth? Maybe I didn’t tell you because I wanted to avoid having this conversation. Or have you looking at me like you are now. I mean fucking seriously, don’t you think I’ve had enough of that shit from everyone else?”

He stared back at Roger evenly. “And how am I looking at you exactly?”

“Like I’m some pathetic freak who tried to kill himself!  _ Jesus _ , it was bad enough giving you my journal!”

John’s mouth dropped open in response. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.  _ Did Roger really not know him at all?  _ He stayed quiet for a moment, watching Roger take a few steadying breaths in order to calm himself.

“I would never think that. How could you assume that I would?”

Roger offered a meek shrug in response, his gaze locked on his trainers. “’Used to it from everyone else.”

“Am I everyone else? Did you even stop to consider that maybe I, more than anyone, knows what it’s like to feel like that? To want to  _ die _ that much.”

His gaze quickly drifted back up to John’s face. “But...but you never did, right? You never tried?”

“No, because I got help. When I went back to Leicester. Mum sorted it all out.”

Roger nodded in response, a sense of relief in his eyes.

“You asked me the other day. About why I didn’t tell the headmaster the truth about what happened when Steven attacked me,” John said softly. Roger nodded again, his expression tense. “And I said that I didn’t want to risk you getting into trouble. And that’s true. But it’s also because I felt ashamed. Because of what happened.”

Roger looked more confused than ever.

“That doesn’t make any sense. You were the victim.”

“I know but I felt like I should have been able to stop it from getting to that point. Like I was weak. Or brought it upon myself.”

“But that’s insane, John!”

“It’s the same thing for you, isn’t it?” John said knowingly. “You seem to spend every day living in regret. With the guilt of it all. For things that weren’t even in your control! Steven was scum. Still is. But you, you’re…”

He paused, trying to find the words to reassure Roger.

“You’re better than him! You always were. I just didn’t realize it at the time. Nor did I want to give him the satisfaction of dragging you down too. I knew he’d get his comeuppance one day. And I was right, was I not? Less than a week after I moved away, he got kicked out of school. He’s a waste of space.”

He stepped forwards as Roger looked away again. His bottom lip shook, and a tear rolled down his cheek. John reached out to softly brush it away with a sigh.

“Look, my point is that you were depressed, and you needed help. That doesn’t make you a freak. Same way it doesn’t make me one, right?”

“Of course not,” Roger said gruffly.

“Right then.”

He hesitated again, his gaze locked on Roger’s face. On the sadness still etched deep in his eyes. “Do you...still get days like that? Where you want it all to be over?”

Roger gave a small, timid nod as he continued to avoid John’s gaze. “Sometimes.”

It made John feel so impossibly sad. And guilty. To know that Roger had clearly been bottling this up. Or the very least, hiding it from him.

“Promise you’ll tell me when you’re like that. Or Brian. I’d hate to think that you don’t feel as if you can talk about it—”

“—But that’s exactly how I deserve to feel,” Roger said with a huff. He pushed his hair back from his face a little forcefully, his expression etched with pain.

He stepped away from John’s side and began to pace.

“Look, I...I can’t do this! I can’t deal with this! I can’t keep going over all this shit with you, just like I do in therapy. It makes me feel like I’m giving you some sort of sob story, when the truth is, I brought it all on myself. I just...this is all too much. I can’t handle this! Okay, and—”

“—Alright, alright, I get it.” John said quickly.

The more that Roger spoke, the more obviously worked-up he was getting. By the end, he was practically hyperventilating, his breathing shallow, his eyes watery and panicked.

John hated seeing him like that. He did the only thing he could think of. He reached out and tugged Roger to him, so that he was nestled against his body. He tangled a hand in his hair, his chin against the top of his head as Roger buried his face against his shoulder.

“Just know that you can ring me, night or day. We don’t have to talk about it, I just don’t ever want you to feel like you’re alone. Because you’re not. You have people who care about you, Roger. Never forget that.”

He could hear Roger sniffle discreetly against his shoulder. His arms were loose around John’s waist.

“I just...worry, I guess,” Roger said, his voice slightly muffled. “I was terrified of giving you that journal. This is just all too much. I don’t want to scare you off.”

“You won’t. I promise. I’d say if I couldn’t handle this,” John insisted quietly. “Why wasn’t there anything about this anyway? In your journal? You said it yourself that you wanted Brian to give me the letter to read. So you must have wanted me to know at some point.”

Roger sniffed again, carefully extracting himself from John’s arms so that he could look at him. “It’s different.”

“How?”

“Because I wouldn't have known that you knew about all of this. I’d have already been dead.”

His expression softened when John winced in response. “Sorry that was—”

“—Just...change the subject. Please.”

It took everything for John not to throw up. Roger’s words had brought unwanted imagery. His rosy cheeks forever drained of color, his heart-shaped lips tinted blue, the sparkle in his bright eyes gone for good...

He closed his eyes and swallowed the bile in his throat. Desperate to think of something else.

“I erm...I kind of tore out any entries which talked about this. From my journal. I didn’t want to put it all on you at once, I guess. I mean, it’s a lot, isn’t it? Especially as we were still on shaky ground,” Roger admitted with a small, nervous shrug. “I wanted you to know enough to understand. When the time was right. But I also wanted you to like me first. To see the person I am now, rather than the dickhead I was back in school. Rather than have all this tarnish your opinion of me.”

“Look, Roger,” John said with a sigh, automatically moving close enough to take Roger’s hands.

“Knowing all of this hasn’t tarnished my opinion of you. How could it? If anything, I respect you more for what you’ve been through. Just look at how much you’ve already dealt with. I honestly don’t think I could have handled it all. You’re so... _ strong _ , brave even. It’s true!” He rushed to insist when Roger scoffed disbelievingly, and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “ I wouldn’t exactly say I pity you, it’s more just...sadness. But only because I hate the idea of you thinking that was your only way out. I hate how much you obviously thought you’d be doing everyone a favor. We’d have never found each other again. You’d have just been gone. And there would have been nothing I could have done to stop it.”

Roger’s thumb traced the back of John’s hand softly. “Do you not sometimes think that would have been a good thing though? Me gone. No chance of you ever running into me again. It would have given you more of a chance to move on properly. Without a reminder of the past.”

“Of course I don’t. I’d never think that.”

Roger bit his lip in response, his expression even. So John continued talking.

“I’m glad to have been given the chance to get to know you properly. No facades, no need to be scared. Just you and me. You, with your stupid jokes or cheesy chat-up lines.”

Roger looked up at him from underneath his eyelashes, a hint of a smile on his face. “You like my cheesy chat-up lines.”

“Lucky for you, I do,” John said with a raised brow. “And your dirty laugh, or those stupid faces you decide to pull when I’m trying to take a nice picture of us.”

Roger immediately chuckled softly. It was like music to John’s ears. He openly grinned in response.

“Even if you do happen to make far too sweet tea.”

“Rubbish. You like my tea making skills. You even admitted as much the other day.”

“Alright. I’ll give you that,” John said fondly. “The way I wake up and find you grinning at me in the mornings, like it’s going to be the best day yet. Even if it is slightly creepy sometimes—”

“—Hey, I thought this was supposed to be your attempt at cheering me up?”

“I do apologize, your highness. Would you be happier if I reel off your more positive attributes instead?” John teased lightly, unable to resist doing so. Not when Roger was looking at him, all soft-eyed, and pouty lips. It was a little amusing, but more than that, it was oddly...adorable, in a totally Roger kind of way. John seriously doubted anybody else could have pulled that look off.

“Yes. Obviously.”

“Well this shouldn’t take too long—”

“—I hate you.”

“No, you don’t!”

John laughed in response, tightening his hold on Roger’s hands as he attempted to pull away from him. He tugged softly, wrapping his arms around Roger’s neck, and letting his lips linger against his forehead, just for a moment.

“I like the way you put people at ease. Put me at ease. I like the way you care as much as you do, about me, about Brian, about those who are important. I like spending time with you, just you, doing all the little things. Watching tv, talking about our day, cooking together. I like waking up and knowing you’re there, that you slept round, or when I come to see you. It makes me feel kind of...safe, I guess. Warm too. And not just because you’re like a giant hot water bottle, although that definitely helps.”

Roger snorted in response, sounding vaguely amused at that.

“I like...how you make me feel,” John admitted quietly. He wasn’t used to talking about this sort of stuff, but he felt the need to reassure Roger, given everything. “Like the way I feel when I’m around you. All giddy, all...happy. You have this ability to make me feel...special, I guess, and I’ve never had that before.”

He paused to sigh, before continuing to search for the right words.

“You’re important is what I’m trying to say, Roger. To me, to Brian, to your family, I’m sure. You make me more happy than you could realize, and I don’t want to lose that. So the thought of almost never having that is not worth thinking about. But I want you to know that no matter how dark things might get, or alone you might feel, you’re not. You’ll always have me, okay? I promise—”

Whatever John had said, seemed to be enough of a reassurance.

Roger tilted his head to kiss him firmly, using a hand to tangle in his hair. John immediately melted under his touch.

They only broke apart to stumble in the direction of Roger’s room, and then, towards his bed. Their hands lingered against each other’s skin, their kisses needy, as they shed their clothes to the floor.

Roger tugged him forwards impatiently almost as soon as they were both ready and prepped, until John was buried inside of him.

John couldn’t get over how good it always felt. How right it was. Being with him felt like the most natural thing in the world.

Especially with the sound of Roger moaning against the shell of his ear, causing shivers to run down the length of his spine.

_ Here _ .  _ Here was where he was meant to be _ , John let himself think afterwards.  _ Here _ , nestled against Roger, their legs entwined, and Roger’s head against his chest.

-o-

John finished brushing his hair as Freddie went to stand in his doorway. He was wearing a black shirt with diamantes all over, a velvet blazer and dark jeans. John raised an eyebrow as Freddie did a spin with a smile.

“Looking very suave, Fred. What’s the occasion?”

“Are you saying I don’t normally?” Freddie teased, with a glint in his eyes. “You know me darling. I like to impress.”

“I hope Brian appreciates the effort if it’s for his benefit,” John said, fluffing his hair as much as he could. He knew how much Roger liked the natural volume of it. “Unless of course, you’re on the pull.”

“Very funny, Deacy. But no, like I say. I strive to look as fabulous as physically possible on a daily basis. It’s hard work, but it’s worth it. Who knows who you might bump into? I could meet a record producer who appreciated my lavish, bohemian fashion, and decide to sign me up immediately.”

“I mean...I guess. Either that, or tell you that Paul McCartney wants his velvet jacket back.”

“Oy! Cheek!”

It reminded John of the exact one that Paul had worn in the late sixties. The same plum shade in soft velvet. Not that was necessarily a bad thing. The Beatles had great style. He just liked winding Freddie up comparing the two. Freddie reckoned he was his own inspiration.

“Like you can talk anyway. You look like you’re going to a business meeting in that chequered shirt and black trousers.”

“First of all, these are my best velvet trousers. And second of all…” John trailed off as he went to grab his jacket off a hanger in the wardrobe. It was technically Roger’s leather jacket. He’d forgotten it after he slept round the night before. It gave John the excuse to wear it so as to remember to give it back to him. John’s cheeks were slightly pink by the time he closed the wardrobe again. “Roger likes this shirt.”

Freddie pursed his lips in response, amusement in his eyes. “Ahh, I see. Well say no more, sweetie.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, nothing,” Freddie said innocently as he began to make a beeline for the front door.

_ The Lexington _ was a music venue virtually on the doorstep from Kings Cross tube station. There were three floors inside, and always a massive queue to get in. They joined the back as Freddie got out his phone to text Brian.

The band were performing in the underground bar, the largest floor of them all. The room was big enough to fit at least five hundred people. From the looks of it, there was more or less that amount there tonight.

They waited by the fire exit at the back so that Freddie could check his phone.

John craned his neck, scanning above the crowds of people. He could just see them all, underneath the dim LED lights. He smiled automatically when he noticed Roger, busy setting up his drums on stage.

“Brian’s going to meet us at the bar,” Freddie shouted over Kasabian blaring out of the speakers. He put his phone away again, and led them over to the full length bar. Then he leaned close enough to speak again. “Shall we just get a couple of tonics? Brian said the drinks are extortionate. Luckily, I managed to sneak some vodka in.”

John gave him a look in response. “How exactly? We’ve got no bags and we were literally patted down when we came in.”

“Ohh, I have my ways, Deacy.”

John winced. “Please don’t say you stuffed it inside the front of your underwear.”

“Don’t be silly. I stuffed two mini bottles in both of my socks I’m wearing instead.”

“I see. Very initiative.”

“That’s me, darling.”

Brian managed to find them by the time they got served. He smiled, ducking his head to give Freddie a quick kiss, as he wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“It’s times like these I’m grateful to be so tall. Otherwise, I honestly don’t think I’d have found you. I can’t believe how packed it is. Bet Roger’s really pleased.”

“You make it sound like you’re eight foot. You’re only three inches taller than me.”

“Yeah but babe, those three inches make a  _ big _ difference,” Brian chuckled.

Freddie gave him a smirk in response. “Yes but it’s still important to know  _ how _ to use those three inches to your advantage of course.”

“True. And we both know that I do know—”

“— _ Please  _ tell me you two don’t intend on being like this all night?” John practically groaned in response, conscious of the fact that he already wanted to stick his fingers in his ears so that he didn’t have to listen to it all. He hated being a third wheel.

Freddie huffed in response. “Like you and lover-boy up there can talk. All you seem to do is have sex—”

“—How would you even know that? You’re out most of the time.”

“For good reason, darling.”

Brian’s hand gently squeezed Freddie’s shoulder. “Fred. Be nice.”

“I’m always nice, sweetie. Especially to my best friend. He knows I’m only teasing.”

John did know. He was only being defensive because Freddie was right. They did spend the majority of their time having sex.

Was that a bad thing?

They’d only been together a few weeks and the attraction that John felt towards Roger was immense. Their chemistry was practically electric, and John thrived off of that. They were only in their infancy. But people often said that was the fun part about being in a relationship.

John wanted to just enjoy things, without overthinking everything. Without overcomplicating things. Like he usually did. Take each day at a time.

There was a part of himself—a small part—which wondered what would happen if they suddenly stopped wanting to rip each other’s clothes off.

Roger said he loved him. And John was fairly confident he believed him.

But what if the novelty eventually wore off? For either of them or both.

Or worst still, what if Roger eventually got bored? Realized that just like with Lucy, John had been nothing but sex after all.

John’s stomach flipped uncomfortably at the idea. He quickly scrambled for a subject change as Freddie eyed him closely.

“What time does this thing start anyway?”

Brain shrugged, looking surprised by his question. “Oh, I’m not sure. Not for another half an hour, I don’t think. You should text Roger, let him know you’re here. He’s reserved a space for us at the front.”

“At the front?” John repeated slightly shrilly.

“Yeah. He wanted to make you sure you got a good view as it’s the first time you’ve both seen him play.”

“I don’t see why. I’m sure the band will be just as capable of deafening us from the back.”

John swallowed thickly in response, barely registering Freddie’s sarcasm. Instead, he was too focused on the twinge of fear he felt at being right at the front. Virtually in the spotlight.

“Don’t be mean, the band’s really good. You’ll see for yourself in a bit,” Brian said softly. “You look nice by the way, babe.”

Freddie beamed in response.

John turned his attention to his phone as he went to text Roger.

_ Hey. We’re at the bar. Did you want a drink? _

Roger didn’t respond for a couple of minutes. The girl behind the bar had just finished pouring their drinks when John felt it vibrate in his back pocket.

_ Deacy, you absolute angel.  _ _ 🥰  _ _ I’d bloody love one. Whiskey soda pls. I’ll be over in two secs.  _ _ ❤️  _ _ Xxx _

John leaned over the bar to order for him. He’d just finished paying when he felt a pair of arms sliding around his waist. He relaxed as Roger spoke into his ear. “Hey, you.”

John turned enough to see the expression on his face. His heartbeat quickened as he took in the soft curls, leather jeans, and print t-shirt he was wearing. He was gorgeous. He made John feel practically weak at the knees. It was a sensation he still wasn’t exactly that familiar with.

“Hey yourself.”

“Nice jacket.”

“Thanks, it’s my boyfriend’s.”

Roger’s smile widened at John’s words. “Ahh really? I’ve heard a lot about this boyfriend of yours. He’s tall, naturally blonde and gorgeous, isn’t he?”

“Nah, he’s short, average-looking, and the jury’s still out on whether or not he's actually secretly bleached blonde.”

Roger pouted in response, and John struggled not to laugh. “You take that back. This color is all real, baby.”

“As I said. Jury’s out.”

“Yeah, well. I still reckon this bloke must be better looking than you’re making out, Deacy. I mean...he managed to pull a stunner like you, didn’t he? He must have something going for him.”

John grinned in response. “Yes actually. He’s got a massive... _ ego _ .”

“You take that back! You love my  _ ego _ !”

“Lucky for you, I do.”

Roger giggled in response, and John couldn’t help but join in a little. Somehow, Roger’s laugh always made him want to as well.

“Without floating my own boat, I’ve been told I’m a pretty epic shag. So you know. Got that in my favor too.”

John scoffed in response. “Whoever told you that was lying for a start.”

Roger gasped dramatically. “You’re breaking my heart, Deacy. You know that?”

“Oh poor baby. I’ll make it up to you later if you like.”

“I would like. I’d like a  _ lot _ actually,” Roger admitted without any trace of shame. He tilted his head, sparing a glance at Freddie. “Alright Fred?”

“Very well thanks, Taylor,” Freddie replied teasingly as he leaned back against Brian’s chest further. “Your band better not be shit! I’ve had to shuffle around my busy schedule just to be here on a Saturday night.”

“You went through all that trouble for little old me? Aww, you really do love me after all.”

“Don’t kid yourself, blondie.”

“Deny it all you want mate. But I can tell you’re secretly softening towards me.”

Brian snorted in response. “Is that what you call it?”

“Well he’s not yet seen through his threat of killing me, so I’m choosing to see that as progress.”

John laughed in response.

“Key word there!” Freddie shouted across at him. “ _ Yet _ .”

Roger just grinned, his smile widening as he looked back at John. “I can tell he likes me really. He just doesn’t want to admit it.”

“That’s an interesting theory you have,” John teased.

“By the way. Just to give you a heads up, it gets ridiculously hot on stage, so I’ll probably have my top off at some point. Think you can handle seeing me up there all sweaty and half-naked without wanting to jump my bones so to speak?”

“Hmm…I mean, it’ll be difficult. But I’m sure I’ll just about cope.”

“Well, if not, let me know. Our dressing room has a lovely big sofa, perfect for a quickie during the interval—”

“— _ Christ _ , you’re on form tonight, aren’t you?”

“It’s you. You’re a bad influence on me, Deacy,” Roger said with a smile. Then he sighed. “I suppose I’d better go. I promised I’d finish helping set up. See you in a bit though, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

“Did Brian tell you that I managed to reserve a space for you all at the front? Cool.” Roger said when John gave a small nod. “Hannah, the bassist’s girlfriend will be here in a minute. She knows Brian, so she’ll probably just come over and say hello, and then she’ll show you the shortcut to the front.”

He downed his drink and then leaned forwards once more to kiss John on the cheek. Then he looked at Freddie pointedly. “Enjoy the show, Fred!”

“I’ll certainly try, blondie!”

Hannah was pretty. She had short dark hair, wore thick, black eyeliner, and was dressed in ankle boots, shorts, and a  _ Guns n Roses _ t-shirt.

They followed her through to a door next to the bar. It led into a long, thin corridor which was full of pictures hung on the walls of bands and singers who’d performed there. They went through another door which was just to the right of the stage. It was close enough that they were able to squeeze through the crowd to get a clear view of the band. Which happened to be directly in front of the barriers.

The band was ridiculously good. Their music was a little too heavy for John’s taste, but the songs were all original, and had a good beat.

He could barely keep his eyes off of Roger.

He was mesmerizing. He performed as if drumming was his entire life, like he might never gig again. It was exhilarating watching him.

It was clear he loved performing.

He was a constant mass of high energy.

By the third song, he already had his top off. His hair was stuck to the beads of sweat running along his neck and face.

He sang lead vocals on a couple of the songs too. John was in awe. Roger had one of the prettiest voices he’d ever heard.

The audience embraced them fully. The vibrations of their cheers drowned out the beginning of the first song. And when the band were finished, they chanted for more.

Roger caught his eye as they headed off, giving John a wink before he followed his bandmates.

John, Brain and Freddie followed Hannah outside to have a cigarette. They talked about the gig whilst they waited, until Brian and Hannah eventually went back inside to use the bathroom. Freddie leaned against the wall, and finished her cigarette off.

“I hate it when you smoke.”

“Don’t. You sound like Brian,” Freddie griped. “Besides, I only have the odd one when I’m out.”

“You still risk wrecking that lovely voice of yours.”

“Well, it’s not like I actually sing that much anymore, is it?”

“You should. You used to be really good.”

“ _ Used to _ ?” Freddie repeated with a look. “Oh please, darling. I’ve still got it. Brian keeps telling me I should take it up more seriously.”

“Maybe you should.”

“Maybe I will. Speaking of. Wonder-boy’s got quite the falsetto, hasn’t he? Shrill enough for even dogs to hear.”

“You’re only jealous because you can’t go that high.”

“I’m not. If you ask me, it’s not natural. Being able to sing that shrill,” Freddie teased as he stomped out his cigarette with the heel of his boot. “Although, he certainly seemed to love being on stage.”

John hummed in response. “He always said the dream was to be a drummer.”

“You can tell. Brian was saying how they’ve even had interest from a couple of record companies.”

John whipped his head round to stare at Freddie. “What, really? Roger’s not mentioned anything.”

“That’s hardly surprising. You two are virtually joined by the mouth dear.”

John gave him a look, and Freddie shrugged in response. “What? I’m just saying.”

“Well, don’t.”

“What do the two of you talk about anyway?”

“All sorts,” John said a little defensively.

“Well if it is true, recording an album should keep them busy. Might be good for Roger to have something else to focus his mind on.”

John narrowed his eyes accusingly in response. “Meaning what exactly?”

Freddie pursed his lips as he shook his head. “Forget it.”

“No, come on. If you have something to say Freddie, then say it.”

“Okay,” Freddie sighed quietly, his gaze flickering over John’s expression carefully. “You seem really happy lately. Happier than I’ve ever seen you in fact.”

“But?”

“But...you have to admit. Roger can be a little… _ full-on _ .”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing. I’m just concerned. You’re barely apart. And when you’re together, he’s constantly over you like a rash.”

John looked away, struggling not to feel offended at Freddie’s tone. He stayed quiet for a moment, turning his head to watch people walk past.

“So he’s affectionate. Is that really a bad thing?”

“No. Just as long as he isn’t suffocating you.”

John stared at him, his mouth dropping open slightly in shock. “Don’t be so ridiculous. How could you even think that?”

“I’m only asking because I care, John. Yes, I know a new relationship is exciting and you want to be living in each others pockets all the time, but I’m just not sure if you and him together is the healthiest thing for you right now—”

“—That is  _ not  _ your place to decide! Or judge for that matter.” John said, quickly stepping away from Freddie’s side.

He was too angry to think straight. To him, it felt like Freddie had been waiting to say something like this. Had been building it all in his head. It was hardly a secret that he still wasn’t Roger’s number one fan.

“Believe it or not Freddie, but I do have a mind of my own. If I was uncomfortable about anything, I’d say. It’s certainly not down to you to make a passing comment on my behalf.”

“I just meant—okay fine, I’m sorry I said anything.”

John noticed the way Freddie was now avoiding his gaze, his cheeks slightly pink. His shoulders slumped in response.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped. I guess it’s just a...sensitive subject. Especially as I know you don’t exactly like Roger. But I get you’re only saying all of that because you’re my friend, and you wanna’ look out for me.”

“Of course I do,” Freddie said softly. “This isn’t personal, John, I promise.”

John breathed a sigh of relief as he came to stand besides Freddie again. “I know I’m not the touchiest of people. That’s just not in my nature. But I like how affectionate he is. He makes it seem so easy.”

“Then that’s good, darling. Forget I said anything.”

John bit his lip, as his thoughts raced. He went back to their conversation from the other day…

“Having said that, I...I guess I do worry sometimes. Whether on some unconscious level, he’s trying to make up for everything he did in the past. Out of guilt. Rather than actually being in love with me.”

“You don’t really believe that do you?” Freddie asked. Then he made a huffing noise. “Even I can see how bloody mad he is about you.”

John bit his lip harder, fighting a smile in response. “Do you really think so?”

Freddie rolled his eyes in response. “Yes John, I really think.  _ Christ _ . He can barely keep his hands off of you, and you’re worried he’s doing all that because he feels guilty? I doubt that’s on his mind when he’s too busy thinking with his cock.”

“—Don’t be an arse.”

“Well am I right or  _ am I right _ ?”

“I mean...probably. He just didn’t seem to be like that with Lucy. But then he said it himself that they were never anything serious. But then the flip side of that is if he gives it time and realizes it’s all just sexual between us too.”

Freddie hummed in response. “I can see why you might think like that. But I really do believe he’s in this for the long haul. And you are too, right?”

John nodded immediately.

“Yeah, yeah, I am. Or at least, I want to be.”

“So then, I don’t believe you have anything to worry about. Just try and...not think too hard. Like I know you normally do. Try and live in the moment for a change.”

John openly scoffed in response. “Easier said than done, Fred.”

Freddie smiled sympathetically. “I promise I wasn't trying to stir up any trouble asking all that. I just want you to be happy. I worry, that’s all. But only because you keep your cards so close to your chest. I feel like I have to look out for you. You’re practically my brother, John.”

“I feel the same, Fred. And I do get it, I promise.”

Roger seemed to take ages to appear.

By the time that he did, he'd changed into a pair of dark jeans and was wearing an embroidered jacket. His hair was all sleek and shiny again, with barely a strand out of place.

A warm, giddy feeling welled up inside of John at the thought of going home with him.

“There he is, the man of the hour,” Brian grinned as Roger headed over to them.

“Too kind as always, Brian,” Roger said with a tired smile. “So what did you all think?”

“Yeah, it went really well again, didn’t it? The audience is definitely getting bigger at these gigs of yours.”

“That’s what we were saying earlier. Although, a lot of their fans have had interest in the band for years. Good that they already have a following though.” Roger agreed lightly as he turned his head to look at John with interest. “And Deacy? What did you think?”

“Erm...yeah, I thought you were really good. You flow really well as a band, and I liked the songs. I know you said you can sing too, but I didn’t realize you were quite  _ that _ good.”

“Oh please. I told you, it’s not natural to have a voice that high,” Freddie said with a roll of his eyes.

“Yes, and I told you, you’re only jealous because you can’t sing that high,” John replied with a smile. Freddie poked his tongue out at him in response, but John had already turned back to Roger. “Are we heading back to yours tonight?”

“Erm…”

Roger shuffled from one foot to the other, his face suddenly a little pink. “Thing is, I erm...already made plans to head out with the lads. They invited me earlier and I kind of erm...well, I already said yes.”

“Okay,” John said, before realizing what Roger was saying. “ _ Oh _ . Just you and the band?”

“Yeah, I think so. Hannah’s got a class at the gym early tomorrow or something.”

“Okay,” John said again, trying to ignore the way his chest tightened in response. “So I’ll just see you tomorrow then?”

Roger ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. “Maybe? Look, I’ll erm...probably just text you to let you know what I’m up to. I’ve got the stall in the morning—”

“—Yes, so make sure you’re not too hungover in the morning, Taylor. Or I’ll literally kick your skinny arse.”

“I look forward to it, Freddie,” Roger replied somewhat sarcastically, before turning his attention back to John. “Anyway, if I am busy tomorrow, I’ll just see you in the week at some point, yeah?”

John felt his eyebrows furrow in response. Was it happening already? Was Roger already growing tired of him?

“Okay. I...guess we could do that.”

“Brilliant. Thanks for coming though, John.”

John frowned a little as Roger leaned to press his hand to John’s arm. Before he quickly turned to look at Freddie and Brian.

“Thanks for coming. I really appreciate the support.”

“No problem. It was the best night of my life so far.”

“Knew it would be, Freddie. See you guys later then?”

“Yeah, see you in a bit.” Brian said as him and Freddie already began to walk away.

John remained where he stood, just for a moment.

Something felt... _ off _ . There’d been no kiss goodbye. No  _ I love you _ . Just an awkward pat on the arm and a  _ thanks for coming _ .

He waited until Roger headed back in before he went to catch up with the two of them.

Freddie elbowed him softly. “You should have tagged along with them, sweetie. Gotten to know the band a little better.”

John forced a smile in response, not in the ood to mention how he hadn’t exactly felt  _ invited _ . “It’s fine, I’m sure there’ll be other times.”

-o-

John glanced up from his laptop screen, still biting on a fingernail as Freddie breezed into the kitchen with a sigh.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing. Other than the fact that you’re boyfriend was a useless, hungover specimen all morning. He might as well have called in sick for what good he was!”

John said nothing as he went back to looking at his laptop. Back at the empty word document he’d been staring at for the last half hour.

“Please tell me he hasn’t invited himself round to sprawl over our sofa feeling sorry for himself round here. I know you like spending time with him, but honestly. He’s not even been on the same planet.”

“No. Or at least, I don’t think he’s planning on coming round.”

Freddie finished filling the kettle and flicked it on. “You don’t  _ think _ ? Have you not heard from him then?”

“No.”

“Ahh well, I wouldn’t worry about it if I was you. He spent more time hiding out in the back rather than doing any actual work. He’s probably not thought about it.”

“Yeah maybe.”

John’s chest tightened considerably as he contemplated that. Maybe Freddie was right. Maybe John was just being paranoid. Or maybe Roger had realised he didn’t want to be with him after all.

Freddie frowned as he went to sit in front of John. “What’s wrong? Has something happened?”

John stared at him from underneath his eyelashes. Taking a minute to decide whether he should be honest or not. Then he sighed.

“It’s nothing. I’m probably just being silly—”

“—I’ll be the judge of that,” Freddie insisted softly as he moved the laptop out of the way so that he could look at John properly. “Come on. You know you can tell me anything.”

John bit his lip in response. Then he forced the words out of his mouth.

“There was a…picture on Facebook this morning.”

“Of?” Freddie asked, his voice dangerously quiet.

“Of Roger and some… _ girl _ .”

Freddie’s eyes in response. “ _ Some girl _ ? Was he kissing her? I swear, I’ll bloody kill him if he was—”

“—No, nothing like that. But they seemed kind of… _ close _ .”

“Close how?”

John sighed, grabbing his phone and keying in his password. Once he found the picture again, he passed it over to Freddie. Who turned dangerously quiet as his gaze remained on the screen.

“He’s not actually tagged in it, so he might not even be aware that it exists.”

“Whether he does or doesn’t is irrelevant. Why has he got his arm around her? I thought he said it was just going to be him and the boys? Or was that just a lie?”

John huffed in response, pushing his hair back from his face roughly. He suddenly regretted telling him.

“I don’t know, do I Freddie?”

He just wanted to curl up in bed and cry. And maybe eat a tub of Ben and Jerry’s. Just when he thought everything had been going so well between them too…

Freddie smiled sympathetically as he put his phone back down. Then he reached out, pressing a hand to John’s arm.

“Look. Just try not to panic yet. I’m sure there’s an innocent explanation. Maybe he knows her and he just ran into her whilst they were out.”

John peered at Freddie in surprise. “Do you really think so?”

“Yeah. I do. Give him the benefit of the doubt. And if he proves me wrong, then…well, I’ll happily kick him in the balls.”

Hearing Freddie say that just made John frown more.

“Try not to worry yourself too much when nothing’s yet been confirmed, John.”

John forced a nod in response, watching Freddie reluctantly pull away to go and make himself a coffee.

“I really weren’t expecting you to say that, you know?”

“You were expecting me to say that I think he’s cheated, weren’t you?”

John’s insides twisted sickeningly at his words. “A bit, yeah. Or at the very least, seize the chance and tell me to dump him.”

Freddie sighed as he poured the milk into his cup. “Look...I’m still trying to get my head around the two of you being together. But I meant what I said last night. All I want is for you to be happy. That’s why I’m so protective towards you.”

“I am happy…or at least, I was. Before I saw  _ that _ .”

“So then just text him, and ask him to meet you. It might all be a big misunderstanding, and then you’ll be feeling silly for ever worrying.”

John forced another nod, knowing he shouldn’t be jumping to conclusions like he was. It wasn’t fair on Roger.

He reached for his phone and sent a text. He didn’t get a response for at least a couple of hours. By which point, Joh was too wired to focus on coursework. Instead, he took to reassembling the television speaker Freddie and him had brought last week second hand.

_ I’m kind of busy today. What’s up? X _

John immediately felt that same anger as when he’d seen the photo coursing through his veins. He found himself typing quickly, letting himself reply in a temper.

_ Why don’t you check Facebook and get back to me? Or better yet, the Edward’s nightclub page. There’s a picture of you loitering in the background that you might find interesting! _

He sent it immediately, virtually slamming his phone back down, and went back to fiddling with the wires. Within half an hour, his phone was ringing. He snatched it back up, aggressively tapping the button and holding it to his ear.

“What?”

“Oh hello to you too, Mardy pants!”

The speaker dropped into his lap when he heard his Mum’s voice.

“Mum? Sorry, I didn’t realize it was you.”

“Why? Have I deleted your number again?”

John pushed his hair back from his face. “Mum, I told you. If you deleted my phone number then you wouldn’t be able to ring me.”

“Oh yeah. So then why didn’t you recognize the number? Did you delete it?”

John gave a weary sigh in response. “No, I just didn’t look at the caller ID before I answered. That’s why I didn’t realize it was you.”

“I understand. I think.”

John fought not to groan in response. “What do you want, Mum?”

“I was just ringing to make sure you were alright. Given that we’ve not really spoken in a while. I’ve missed my baby, that’s all. And to tell you that I was thinking of coming down next weekend. Spent a bit of time with my favorite son.”

“Oh…erm…that’ll be nice.”

She gave a nervous sounding laugh at his response. “Don’t sound too sure! I know you said you’re planning on staying in London over the summer so I thought we could make a weekend of it.”

“Yeah, okay. It’ll be good to see you.”

“Perfect. So what have you been up to?”

“Nothing really, just uni stuff. You know how it is,” John said, twirling a wire between his fingers.

“I hope it’s not stressing you out too much, honey. You sounded a bit when you answered the phone.”

“I know, sorry. I’m just in the middle of erm…reassembling a television stereo.”

“Ahh, I see. Isn’t that kind of dangerous?”

John rolled his eyes in response. “No! Mum how many years have I been doing stuff like that?”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Has Freddie managed to set you up with any nice boys yet?”

“Oh erm…” John hesitated, automatically sitting straighter. “No. No, not yet.”

“That’s too bad. However, speaking of nice boys, there’s a cute lad who’s just moved in next door, you know? He’s just come back from travelling for a year.”

That time, John did groan.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear. Oh dear Roger, what have you done? :( Hope that was worth the update! Let me know what you thought of the chapter. I've been rally busy with work, but have still been reading your amazing comments, which never fails to bring a smile to my face! :) Have a good week, and if I don't update by next Monday, I definitely will by the following one. <3


	24. But You'll Never Be Mine...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger's POV- Flashback to Roger attempting to mend his fences with John during the summer holidays. Then it goes back to present time, where Roger faces the consequences with John...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating for swearing mostly.

_“Mum, I’m off now.”_

_“Okay, have a nice day sweetheart.”_

_Roger scoffed loudly from his spot on the bottom step of the stairs. He pulled on his scuffed Adidas trainers and hastily did up the shoelaces as he replied. “That’s unlikely to happen.”_

_His Mum ruffled his hair on the way past. “Don’t be such a grouch, you. Besides, it’s supposed to be quite warm out there today. You’ll probably be busy. At least it’ll make the time go quick.”_

_“Great. So most of the school will likely be at the beach, which means they’ll see me and that stupid grey apron that I’m being forced to wear. There goes my street cred.”_

_“What street cred?” Clare teased on the way past without looking up from her phone._

_“I’m surprised you know what the word even means! You only stopped collecting Barbie dolls two years ago!”_

_Clare poked her tongue out at him from over her shoulder before she headed into the living room._

_His Mum gave him a look in response. “Don’t wind your sister up.”_

_“She winds me up!” He complained huffily. Then he slumped forwards a little, his lips shaping themselves into a pout. “Do I have to go in today?”_

_“Yes. You said you enjoyed your trial shift last Monday.”_

_“But that was before the school broke up. Before I realized that everyone will probably laugh at me when they see me working there. Clare’s not offered to get a weekend job. Why do I have to?”_

_“One, because your sister’s two years younger. And two, nobody forced you, you offered. You can’t let him down before you’ve even started your first day.”_

_“Wanna bet?”_

_His Mum sighed, moving closer to brush away a patch of dirt on Roger’s shoulder. “Just keep thinking positively. You’ll probably enjoy it once you get there.”_

_Inevitably, his Mum was right. As always._

_It was a lovely, hot day, but luckily the café was mainly filled with parents and little kids, and people over sixty, who all appeared to have made a spontaneous decision to visit the beach because of the nice weather._

_The morning went by quickly._

_He’d just finished serving lunch to a group of senior citizens, and had stepped outside to go and clean the tables at the front of the café. There, he found John stood by the entrance to the sweet shop next door. He was watching people walk past, a hint of a smile on his face._

_Roger swallowed thickly, his heart hammering inside of his chest as he stepped close enough to whisper. The last thing he wanted to do was frighten him._

_“John?”_

_Just like that, John’s smile was gone. He turned to look at Roger with wide eyes and a panicked expression. And Roger immediately felt awful._

_John responded by walking away. Far too quickly._

_Roger put down the dishcloth in his hand and began to go after him as quickly as he could, whilst also trying not to fall into the paths of pushchairs, or stumble over small children who were crowding the street. He just had to catch up with John, had to explain whilst he had the chance. Whilst none of the others were around._

_“John! John, wait!”_

_At Roger’s voice, John began to pick up speed._

_Roger called his name again, almost falling into an elderly lady, who gasped in response. He righted himself, apologising quickly before he raced to catch up with John._

_He reached out, grabbing his hand. John yanked himself away hard enough to fall over. He looked up in surprise, his face slightly pink. Roger gave him an apologetic smile, quickly holding out a hand to help._

_“John…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to fall—”_

_John said nothing as he stood back up slowly, avoiding Roger’s hand carefully. Roger sighed and pulled away, knowing he should have at least expected that._

_“I wanted to speak to you. Outside of school. Away from everyone else.”_

_John’s gaze fell towards Roger’s shoes. “Please just leave me alone.”_

_Roger felt horrible to hear the shake in John’s voice. “I will, I promise. I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry for everything that happened this year—”_

_“—You’ve got a funny way of showing it.”_

_Roger looked up, recognizing Holly’s voice. Her and Lewis were heading over. They both had a paper bag in their hands. And angry expressions on their faces._

_Roger put his hands up in defense, his gaze flickering between the three of them. “I’m not after any trouble, okay?”_

_“Tough. Because you’ve got it, mate,” Lewis said, glaring back at Roger as he stood beside John. Holly placed herself on his other side. “If you want to hurt John, you’ll have to come through us.”_

_“Yeah. So do one.”_

_Roger knew there was no point mentioning that he really didn’t intend on hurting John. They wouldn’t believe him anyway. “I really am sorry.”_

_He reluctantly turned and headed back towards the café, leaving them to it._

_His Mum was waiting for him when he got home a couple of hours later. She’d made his favorite. Katsu Chicken Curry._

_The three of them sat down to eat together._

_“So how did your first day go?”_

_Roger forced a smile as he leaned over to spoon some of it onto his plate. “It was fine. Hardly saw anyone I know, and the people who work there seem nice.”_

_His Mum beamed in response. “There you go, see. I told you that it would all work out.”_

_“I know, I was worrying over nothing,” he lied, quickly diving into his food so that he didn’t have to say anything else._

-o-

“I can’t believe you.”

Roger said nothing as he continued to watch Brian pace the length of their living room.

“I _really_ can’t believe you!”

“Yes, I know. You’ve said that at least three times now.”

He suddenly stopped and looked at him. If Roger didn’t feel quite so downhearted, he might have laughed. Brian reminded him of an angry poodle. Instead, he fought not to cry.

The last few days had been horrible, to say the least. He had nobody else to blame but himself for that one.

He’d wanted to stay curled under the duvet when the alarm went off that morning. Block out the world and pretend his life wasn’t falling apart at the seams.

Instead, Roger forced himself into the shower and sprayed an impressive amount of aftershave in the hope that if he at least smelt good, John might be less tempted to break his heart into a million pieces.

He’d just been gearing himself up to face the music when Brian had stormed into the living room, with a face like thunder.

“I still can’t believe I’m only hearing about all this now! And from Freddie, of all people. Why would you do something so…so… _so—_ ”

“—Stupid?”

“Exactly!” Brian quickly agreed with a point of his finger. He started pacing again and Roger slumped back against the sofa, feeling sure he wasn’t quite finished lecturing him about this just yet. “God, I can’t even string a simple sentence together, I’m that angry with you!”

“How do you think John feels?”

Brian stopped again, and narrowed his eyes at him, his hands on his hips. “Is that a joke? Are you seriously making a joke right now—”

“—Of course I’m not! Do you really think I’m in the fucking mood to joke about something like this?” Roger bit back angrily. “Look, I was literally just about to head off and see him. Then you came barging in here, shouting the odds!”

Brian huffed in response, folding his arms across his chest in response.

It was a little difficult to take Brian _too_ seriously when he was wearing Freddie’s pink fluffy dressing gown and threadbare socks.

“You should count yourself lucky it’s not Freddie.”

“I am a little surprised he’s not been round yet. Or made good on that promise of killing me,” Roger said sourly, struggling not to feel bitter as he recalled Freddie’s words from the gig the other night. “Then again, he’s probably making the most of it. Filling John’s head about how I’m such a waste of space and how he did warn him that I was the same arsehole I always was. No wonder John’s ignoring me.”

Brian watched him closely in response. “He’d never do that—”

“—Oh wouldn’t he, really?”

Freddie, as John’s best friend, had every reason not to like him. Or trust him. But had Roger not proven how much he at least cared about John? And it _still_ wasn’t enough. Even after John himself had managed to forgive him.

“Freddie’s just…protective. You know that already. He doesn’t want to see John get hurt.”

Roger struggled not to flinch at the unspoken accusation. “What, and you’re saying that I’ll inevitably hurt him, are you?”

Brian’s eyes widened in response. “No, of course not. I’m just explaining why it might take a while for Freddie to warm to you—”

“—Look, whatever. I really couldn’t care less about what Freddie thinks at this point. All I care about is what John might believe. It’s like I said five minutes ago. Nothing bloody happened. She was just some fan. She saw the show and came over to say hello.”

“Yeah, but you have to see it from an outsiders point of view. You look as if you’re all over her—”

“— _Please_! I am not all over her! I’ve got my arm round her, so what? It was loud in the club, and I’d leaned closer to speak to her. It was just unfortunate that somebody happened to be having their picture taken in front of us at that exact moment.”

Brian sighed loudly in response. “You realise that this could have been avoided in the first place. None of this would have happened if you’d just invited John out with you that night. I still don’t really understand why you were being so off with him after the gig—”

“—Yeah, well why would you? When your relationship with Freddie is so perfect, right?”

“What’s that supposed to mean? I thought you were happy with John—”

“—I am, Brian, look…forget it.” Roger said, groaning into his hands in frustration. “Maybe I just felt like having a bit of space, okay?”

Brian openly scoffed at that in response. “I might find that easier to believe if you didn’t constantly drape yourself over him like a cheap suit.”

Roger’s heart sunk at Brian’s words. _Not him as well_.

“Hey! I’m not that bad!”

“Oh, I’m only teasing. Look, I get it. John’s all you’ve ever wanted.” Brian said quietly, his gaze flickering over Roger’s face carefully. “But could you at least try and reign in it a little bit? Freddie’s started hiding out here some evenings, mostly just so that he doesn’t have to watch you two getting off on the sofa all evening—”

“—Fine, I get it!”

Roger suddenly stood, his hands shaking with fury at Brian’s words. He might have been his friend but he was so sick of everyone complaining about him being too much, or too needy.

He couldn’t seem to do right.

He’d spent years after his father left, keeping a careful distance from people. Trying to reign in all his emotions and feelings, so that he didn’t force them on others, just to get through secondary school unscathed.

Now that he was finally free to be himself, and it seemed it still wasn’t good enough!

“I’m sure you’ll both be pleased when John finally fucking listens to Freddie about what a massive mistake he’s made, being with somebody like me. Then he’ll probably dump me, and you and Freddie will have the run of his flat again, and I’ll be stuck here on my own, just like you both obviously want!”

Brian’s expression instantly softened, guilt shining in his eyes. Roger responded by pacing for the door.

“You know that’s not what I’m saying, Roger! Roger! Wait, please! Let’s just talk about this! Roger come on, mate...Rog!”

But Roger didn’t stop.

He snatched his coat up from its peg in the hallway and jogged out the front door before Brian could catch up.

By the time he got to John’s, Roger’s heart was hammering inside his chest.

He supposed this was it. It was nice whilst it lasted. Having everything in his life he could ever want. It was probably inevitable he’d fuck it all up sooner or later.

He took a shaky breath, swallowing back the lump in his throat and forcing himself to raise his hand to knock. But before he could, the door suddenly flew open.

John stood in the doorway, his green eyes slightly wide as he took in the sight of Roger with his fist still hovering in the air. He quickly dropped it back to his side and let his gaze trail across the length of John.

It wasn’t fair. He was so pretty, so despairingly perfect in every way. Too good to ever truly be Roger’s.

His drawings had never done John justice. Those green eyes had always held so much more life in them. There was a distinctive sparkle, a glint, which inevitably drew Roger’s gaze straight to them.

John folded his arms across his chest and stared at him expectantly.

He took that to mean it was down to him to make the first move. Roger cleared his throat again, nervousness settling in his bones. “John...can we talk?”

“I’ve got work.”

Roger himself had wondered as much when he noticed his black t-shirt and jeans.

“Later then. I’ll come back over once you’ve finished.”

John pursed his lips in response. Roger felt all the hope dwindling inside of him the longer that John didn’t reply.

It was easier last time. John had left school, and Roger was left to dwell on what could have been.

But _now_.

Now Roger knew what it felt like to kiss his lips. To touch his body. To hear his sounds of pleasure. He’d been intimate with him in ways he could have only dreamed of. And he knew.

If he had to give him up, it would kill him. 

“Fine. Later.”

Roger didn’t go home. He spent an hour at the canteen, drinking coffee and keeping his head down, and pointedly ignoring all of Brian’s calls. He knew he was being childish, but he was too anxious to talk to his friend. Neither was he in the mood to hear his apologies for how he’d phrased things this morning. He’d talk to him properly later, once he knew where he stood with John.

He went to his classes, and spent the next couple of hours shuffling around campus, waiting.

And then finally, he felt his phone buzz in the back pocket of his jeans.

_Just finished_

Roger sighed. John had never been the warmest of texters, but he could practically feel the rage exuding from that message.

_Okay, I’ll meet you at yours now Xxx_

By the time Roger made it back to John’s flat, he felt sick, anxiety pressing down heavily on his chest.

He was trying to think positive. He’d told himself all day that just maybe John would hear his side of the story first. Before he’d decide whether to dump his pathetic arse or not.

But Roger had this unsettling feeling that it was all about to slip through his fingers.

His heart sank when John opened the door. He stayed silent as he moved aside, waiting for Roger to step inside. He did so, watching John close the door and move past him as Roger hung up his jacket. He kicked off his shoes, in the hope that he’d be staying there for a bit, at least. Then he went in search of John.

He found him waiting on the sofa, arms folded over his chest. He watched Roger sit at the other end.

Roger fought against the urge to sit closer. John already seemed about as shut off as he thought he possibly could be, and he didn’t want to push it.

Instead, he looked down at his tatty, grey socks and swallowed thickly as he tried to find the right words. “Look...that girl, she’s...nothing. Just some fan of the band. She’s followed them for years and she came over to say hi to the new drummer, because she’s been away travelling for a few months. That’s all it was.”

“So you didn’t sleep with her then?”

“ _What_?”

Roger whipped his head up in shock, feeling sure he’d heard wrong. But John stared back evenly, waiting for his response. He immediately felt fury at the accusation.

“No, I didn’t bloody sleep with her! Do you really trust me so fucking little?”

John looked away and gave a vague shrug.

For Roger, that was worse. No definitive _yes_ or _no_ answer right away. He felt like it said everything, and it hurt a lot. It left him devastated and angry beyond belief. Because what was the bloody point if they didn’t appear to have any trust?

“For the record, you’re the one who’s been ignoring my messages for the last two days.”

Roger didn’t mention the numerous missed calls he’d left, or the couple of late night voicemails he’d sent begging for John to talk to him. He had some sort of dignity, no matter how small it seemed right now.

“I needed some space.”

Roger’s stomach twisted painfully in response. _Space_. Away from him.

“Right. Of course. Got that message loud and clear.”

He turned away to stare at the floor, hearing John sigh in response.

“I just needed time. To think.”

“And I don’t suppose you could do that with me _draping myself over you like a cheap suit_ , right?”

He saw John’s head lift upwards in the corner of his eyes. “What? Has Freddie said something to you?”

Roger’s hands tightened against the front of his jeans at the mention of his name. “No, _Freddie’s_ been unusually quiet. Brian said it actually.”

His gaze remained on the frayed fibres of the carpet, trying not to focus on the despairing silence between them. Even when it spoke _volumes_.

“So you’re telling me that nothing happened with that girl?”

Roger huffed sourly. “Yes, John. That’s what I’m telling you.”

“So why do you look so…close?”

“Because she leaned in to speak to me over the music. We were talking about the gig at the time, I think. From what I can remember. I mean, I was slightly drunk at the time, but definitely not wasted enough to forget shagging some bloody bird,” Roger said irritably, noticing the way that John seemed to wince as he looked back up. “I didn’t realise somebody was having their photo taken right in front of us, and even after I saw the flash, I didn’t think anything of it. Perhaps I just assumed that my _boyfriend_ might not automatically jump to the wrong conclusion. But hey, I guess we were both wrong.”

John’s gaze softened slightly.

“I’m sorry. I guess I kinda’ thought the worse. I shouldn’t have.”

“’s fine. I’m used to it.”

“No, it’s not fine. You're right. I shouldn’t have assumed anything, not without knowing all the facts. I swear it’s not because I don’t trust you. I think I was just...panicking a little, you know? You were acting really weird that night, after the gig.”

“Weird how?”

John gave him a kind of _really_ look.

“When you came out to say goodbye. You were being all...distant.”

“Distant?” Roger repeated with a scoff.

“Don’t give me that!” John griped as his face began to turn a little pinker. “You know you were! You normally at least kiss me before you leave, but that night, you looked like you couldn’t get away fast enough.”

“I don’t know what you’re complaining about. I thought you might see it as a welcome relief to have me take a step back.”

John stared back at him blankly. “Why would you think that?”

His refusal to admit what Roger already knew had his anger quickly rising back to the surface. Desperate to get out.

“Why wouldn’t I? I’m _full-on_ . Apparently. _Over you like a rash_ . _Suffocating_. I get it. You, Freddie and Brian have all made your opinions well and truly heard. From now on, I’ll give you the space you so clearly desire—”

“— _Hang on a minute_! I never said any of that stuff!” John quickly argued back, his eyes wide.

“I heard everything, John! Outside of the bar! Or are you denying that now?”

“Yes, I’m denying it! Freddie was the one saying all of that, not me. He was only really asking because he knows I can be a little closed off sometimes, and it’s hard to understand where my head’s at. Or at least, it is for him.”

Roger huffed sourly in response before he could stop himself. “Yeah, I know the feeling.”

John’s expression was frustratingly neutral.

“So you heard everything, huh? Because if you did, you’d have also heard me stick up for you. Heard me say how I like that you’re so affectionate.”

Roger hesitated, taking a second to watch him in slight disbelief. “I...I didn’t hear you say any of that.”

“Right. So what did you hear exactly?”

“Pretty much what I’ve just said.”

“So basically all of Freddie’s words. Not mine.”

Roger immediately grew on the defensive at John’s tone. “Yeah well, you agreed when he called me full-on. I heard you say that much.”

“Again, no I didn’t. All I said was _what’s wrong with that?_ I also said that there’s nothing wrong with being affectionate, but I suppose you didn’t hear that either, right?”

Roger’s gaze slipped away from John’s face again guiltily. “No.”

“No, I thought not.”

Roger sighed again in response. “Fine, I’m sorry. I’m a twat. There I said it. But I’m _your twat_. Or at least I thought I was.”

“Why didn’t you just talk to me? Instead of running off and being all mardy.”

“Back at you. You think the last couple of days have been easy for me? I’ve hated not talking to you.”

“I was angry. I didn’t want us to get into a row and end up saying something we might regret.”

“I guess I understand that,” Roger said reluctantly. “But I didn’t know that was the reason. I was convinced that you were getting ready to break up with me. Still sort of am, to be honest.”

Roger looked back up from underneath his eyelashes to see John frowning at him. “You really are a twat.”

“Yeah, I am.”

“But you’re _my_ twat.”

Hope welled up inside of Roger. He clung to it with every fiber. He pursed his lips, fighting a small, silly smile of relief. Because he knew this wasn’t over. He knew there still might have been the slightest chance that he could lose John for good. And all over a silly misunderstanding.

John watched him for a moment, before rolling his eyes and shuffling over to Roger’s side. Then he reached out to take his hand in his.

The knot inside Roger’s chest seemed to unlodge itself at John’s touch. All that anxiety evaporated instantly.

“I still don’t get why you didn’t just bloody talk to me. Rather than going off like that. I thought we were in this for the foreseeable?”

“We are, it’s just...I didn’t exactly feel like I could say anything with Brian and Freddie there. Brian would have only felt uncomfortable, and Freddie’s...well, _Freddie_.”

“You could have just taken me aside?”

Roger blinked back at him in response. “I erm...guess I didn’t really think of that.”

“ _Christ_. You really are an idiot.”

“ _Your_ idiot though, right?” Roger said with an impish smile. John stared back unamused. He quickly changed the subject before he could dig that hole any bigger for himself. “Anyway...part of the reason why I went off like I did was because I was acting on some semi-decent advice that Mikey gave me.”

“Mikey from the band? Why, what did he say?”

“Well, when I heard you both talking outside, I kind of...jumped to conclusions, as we’ve both established,” Roger said with a sigh, using his thumb to brush the back of John’s hand softly. “I went back inside in a huff, and got a bit...upset. He found me and we had a talk in the dressing room. Anyway, I just sort of told him that I was coming on too strongly with you, and I was terrified of fucking it up or frightening you away. So he said if I was that worried then maybe I should think about taking a step back. Give you some space. Then maybe you’d miss me a bit more. Hence why I didn’t invite you out, and why I pretended to be busy the following day. When in reality, all I wanted to do was spend time with you.”

John shook his head slowly in obvious disbelief, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Next time, just be honest with me? Rather than just assuming how I’m feeling like everyone else seems to. It’s like I told Freddie, I have got a mind of my own, you know?”

Roger was slightly taken aback by John’s words.

“Did you really say that?”

“Yes. You’d have heard for yourself had you stuck around long enough to hear the whole thing.”

Roger immediately felt guiltier. Knowing that John was absolutely right.

“Sorry,” he said again, rather pathetically. John squeezed his hand in response.

“Look, I know I’m...not exactly an open book when it comes to my feelings and whatever. Ever since Dad died, I’ve kind of struggled to...well, to be more outgoing, I guess. And then we moved away, I changed schools, and I was careful about who I let close to me. Or at least, I tried to be. Sometimes that wasn’t always possible,” John said with a small shrug, his face slightly pink. “At first, it was a coping mechanism. Then it became part of who I was.”

“I understand all that. _I do_ , John. Don’t feel like you have to explain yourself.”

“But that’s just it. I do. I trust you enough to be more honest about this sort of stuff. And I am trying, believe me. To be more affectionate, to show you rather than keep telling you that being with you is what I want too. You just need to give me a bit more time, and I’ll learn to be better at it, I promise—”

“—you don’t need to do that, John. I would never ask you to do that. Would never want you to, even. Please don’t put pressure on yourself to be something you’re not, or to change who you are. Not for me. It’s not necessary.”

John stared back at him, confusion etched into his features. “Isn’t it?”

Roger’s insides twisted painfully at John’s uncertainty. He felt practically horrified by it.

“Of course not! God, I hope I’ve never made you feel like it is? It doesn’t matter that you might not be as touchy as I am, or that you might not always know how to express your feelings as well as you may want to. I like everything about you. _Love_ everything about you, in fact. I actually think you’re kinda perfect as you are. Which is why I’m so scared of losing you.”

“I’m far from perfect, Rog,” John scoffed disbelievingly.

“You are to me, love. I like the way you keep me on my toes. I like that I might not always know what’s going in that amazing brain of yours. It’s actually quite sexy that you can be all shy and mysterious at times.”

John rolled his eyes, and Roger gave a flustered smile in response.

“I’m serious!”

“Then you _seriously_ need your head examining.”

“Nah. I don’t. The only type of crazy I am is crazy in love with you, Deacy.”

John wrinkled his nose in response. “Your chat-up lines have gotten too cheesy even for me. And we both know how much I like cheese.”

Roger laughed in response, the relief of having sorted things out properly with John more than a little overwhelming.

“Exactly. Who else would be willing to put up with my cringeworthy flirting if not you?”

“Oh, I don’t know. There must be at least one other person in the heart of London crazy enough to put up with you.”

Roger smiled in response, lifting John’s hand enough to kiss the back of it. “Git! But true.”

“So you’re sure? Still?”

“Sure about what?”

“Being in love with me.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

John bit his lip, his eyes questioning. Then he shook his head. “No reason.”

Roger frowned in response. “John, come on. Tell me what’s on your mind. What have we just said about talking to each other?”

John inhaled deeply, lifting his other hand to tuck his hair behind his ear. “Yeah, I know, I know, but it’s nothing. I’m just being silly.”

“Please tell me. I wanna’ know. I won’t think it’s silly, I promise.”

John nodded, looking down at their entwined hands. His face seemed slightly pinker again. “I just worry sometimes, I guess. About you getting bored of me. Or the novelty wearing off. Or the possibility that…what holds us together most, more than anything else is...our sexual chemistry.”

Roger stared back uncertainty.

“Well, first thing’s first. The idea that I’ll get bored of you or the novelty might wear off is total bollocks. But I’m more concerned about the other thing. That you think we only have sexual chemistry.”

“I didn’t say that was _all_ we had. It’s just that most of the time we spend together is occupied by sex, do you not think?”

Roger really couldn’t fathom the downside to that suggestion. For him, it was a daily struggle not to be anymore glued to John’s side than he already was.

“So...you want to have less sex, is that what you’re saying?”

“No, I didn’t mean it like—”

John stopped, a look of frustration crossing his features.

“Freddie makes jokes about it sometimes. Which is fine. That doesn’t bother me. And I love being with you like that as much as we are, you know? Like...a _lot_.”

“Okay good, me too.”

John smiled a little in response.

“My worry is that you might realize further down the line that all of this was just an infatuation. Or at the very least, lust. You’ve basically admitted to having had a crush on me since school. So once you...I don’t know, fuck me out of your system, so to speak, maybe you’ll regret—”

“Impossible,” Roger interrupted quickly. “You’re usually so fucking smart John, but you’re definitely wrong about this.”

“How do you know that though?”

“Because I just do! _Christ_ , don’t you think I tried to move on from you at school? To shake you off, get with as many girls as I could until you were out of my system?”

John raised his eyebrows in response. “So that’s how you know you’re in love with me? Because you couldn’t _shake me off_?”

“No, I know I’m in love with you, because I only want to be with you, and I want to build my whole damn life around you.” Roger insisted firmly, before groaning in response. “At the risk of quoting Fleetwood Mac.”

John gave a huff of laughter in response. “It’s a good song.”

“To be fair, it is. I still slightly prefer _The Chain_ though.” Roger admitted with a grin. “Seriously though. As far as I’m concerned, me and you are end game. Or at least, I want us to be. There’s nobody else for me, John. You’re my lobster.”

John smiled widely, catching Roger’s breath easily in response. “Now you’re quoting Friends at me.”

“I am, but the sentiment was there.”

John responded by leaning forwards and closing the distance between them. Roger’s heart pounded in his chest as he kissed him long and slowly. It didn’t matter how many times they did this. He’d never been more certain that this was what he wanted—always.

Eventually, John pulled back to stare at him earnestly. Roger felt practically transfixed.

“You’re my lobster too.”

Roger openly beamed in response.

-o-

“I was thinking,” Roger said casually as he watched John finish making the cocktails for his customers who were waiting patiently on a table at the side of the room.

“That’s always dangerous.”

Roger gave him a look. “Be serious, Deacy.”

“I am,” John insisted, despite the subtle hint of a smile as he placed all the ingredients into the shaker. “I’m genuinely concerned about what might next come out of your mouth.”

Roger raised a brow in response. “I know what I’d like to _come in_ my mouth.”

“See. Point proven.”

“Yeah, well that’s your fault. I was thinking perfectly innocently, until you went and put images in my head. Speaking of which. What I was actually going to say was that you’re not working this weekend, right?”

John looked at him from under his eyelashes, the cocktail shaker almost falling out of his hands. “Err…no, I asked for it off.”

Roger smiled triumphantly. “Perfect. They’re doing a special screening of those Mad Max films at that cinema on the corner of Leicester Square. I thought we could tag along. Remember I was telling you that I’ve not gotten around to seeing the new ones yet?”

“Yeah, yeah, I remember,” John said quietly as he finished pouring the drinks into two glasses. “Erm…thing is, I’m kind of busy at the weekend.”

Roger tried not to let his smile disappear in response. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t even think. Maybe some other time then.”

John frowned, finishing garnishing the glasses with a slice of orange. “Hang on. Let me just drop these off to their table. I’ll be right back.”

“Alright.”

Roger distracted himself from his disappointment by watching John walk away, thinking vaguely how good he looked in black. His work jeans always fit him so _well_ , enough to draw Roger’s eyes towards the curve of his arse, or the subtle bulge against the front—

“If it isn’t lover-boy himself.”

Roger dragged his gaze away with a sigh.

Freddie was pulling up a chair to sit besides him at the bar.

“Hello to you too.”

“If you two continue to eye-fuck each other from across the bar, you run the risk of even Lucy figuring out that the two of you are a thing.”

“We’re not _that_ bad. I’ve barely spoken to him in the thirty minutes since Lucy arrived. As promised.”

“Actions speak louder than words though, dear,” Freddie teased dryly as he hung his jacket on the back of his chair. “Speaking of, I was nosing on Facebook earlier and noticed you’ve not made it official yet.”

It was almost impossible for Roger _not_ to get defensive with Freddie.

“Not yet. But we will. Much to your disappointment, I’m sure.”

“Not at all. If anything, it got me wondering whether your families knew about each other yet.”

“Yes actually,” Roger quickly barked. “Or at least, my sister does. I don’t talk regularly enough to my Mum for it to be a priority.”

“Hmm, interesting.”

“What’s that supposed to—”

“—You didn’t mention you’d be stopping by, Fred.”

Before Roger could fully form his question, John had wondered over with a smile...which quickly disappeared as he looked between them.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just came in to wait for Brian to finish,” Freddie rushed to say as he sat up straighter. “We’re grabbing dinner over at that new Italian place on the corner of our street.”

“Me and Rog were thinking of trying there. You’ll have to let me know what the food’s like.”

“Yeah, I will.”

Brian appeared from the staffroom with a smile, and looked at Freddie expectantly. “Ready Fred?”

“Absolutely darling,” Freddie said chirpily as he stood, his jacket in hand. He gave Roger and John a smile before he went to follow. “See you both in a bit then.”

“In a bit,” John said, as Brian waved them goodbye. Then he looked at Roger, twirling his phone round and round in his hand. “Alright?”

“Yeah, fine.”

John rolled his eyes to the ceiling and back. “What did he say?”

“What did who say?”

“Freddie, of course. What did he say to piss you off this time?”

Roger bowed under the pressure of his guilt. “Nothing. I’m all good. We can try that Italian place next Monday if you want? I think they do two for one on mains during weekdays. I read it on the clipboard outside as I was walking past.”

“Yeah okay,” John said, still watching Roger closely. “You realize he’s just looking to get a reaction out of you, right?”

“ _Right_. Which is why I didn’t give him one. Much.”

“ _Much_ ,” John repeated disbelievingly. “Well anyway. Going back to our original conversation. The reason I can’t go to the cinema this weekend is because my Mum’s coming down to see me.”

“ _Oh_. That’ll be...nice, right?”

“Yeah, I’m sure it will. She’s only really visiting because she knows I’ve chosen to stay in London over the summer. She thought it’d be good if we could spend a couple of days together.”

“Fair enough,” Roger smiled. “I’ll give you some space with her.”

“Thank you,” John smiled back. He tucked his hair back behind his ears, his gaze flickering over Roger slowly. “Erm…thing is, I want to be honest with you about something.”

Roger nodded, his smile slipping automatically at the tone of his voice. “Okay.”

“See, she erm…she doesn’t actually know about you yet.”

Roger looked down at the bar, his smile a little more rigid. It made sense given their history. It still wasn’t all too easy to hear. Freddie’s words echoed back in his head. _Hmm, interesting_. No wonder he looked so pleased with himself.

“I’m guessing Freddie knows that your Mum doesn’t know about me, right?”

“I assume so, why?”

“No reason. Look, it’s fine. It’s a difficult conversation, isn’t it? The idea of telling your Mum that you’re in a relationship with your school bully. If I were you, I probably wouldn’t want to tell her either.”

John’s expression softened in response. “Hey, I didn’t say that I didn’t _want_ to. I just didn’t think it was—”

“John,” Lucy came over to interrupt. “Table seven’s been asking for their bill.”

“Alright, I’ll be over in a sec.”

She looked between them curiously, sensing the atmosphere. “Something wrong?”

“Everything’s fine.” John raised his eyebrows in question when she continued to linger. “Was there something else?”

She sighed in response, her gaze drifting back to Roger...who quickly looked back down at his drink. He’d avoid eye contact at every opportunity if it meant getting out of a conversation with her.

“Fine, I’ll tell them you’ll be right over.”

“That would be helpful.”

John pursed his lips as she finally headed away.

“She was in no hurry to leave,” Roger griped before he could stop himself. He couldn’t help thinking of the old saying— _curiosity slayed the cat_. Or something like that anyway.

John hummed in response. “I noticed. Anyway, forget that. The point is, I’m going to tell her this weekend. My Mum, that is. About you.”

Roger sat up a little straighter in response, unable to stop himself feeling a little surprised. “Really?”

John’s expression softened in response. “Of course. I’ve wanted to for ages now. But I just didn’t want to do it via the phone. She can barely use her bloody iPhone as it is, without adding in all of the hassle of trying to explain everything to her.”

“I know, I do get it.”

“Does your Mum—” John stopped, narrowing his eyes at something over Roger’s head. “I’d better go and sort this bill out, before Lucy has a fit. I’m round yours tomorrow night though, yeah?”

“Err, yeah, if you want.”

John quickly nodded in response. “Of course I want. Especially as I’m not seeing you all weekend.”

Roger smiled automatically at that as he watched John reluctantly walk away.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Hope that was worth the wait! I can only apologize for the long delay. Work has been a killer and I didn't want to update until I was completely happy with the chapter. I'm hoping it will soon start going back to weekly updates, but for now, it's going to be fortnightly, I think. :( Hope you're all well. Have a lovely week! I'm currently unable to play guitar thanks to dropping a cup at work and slicing my finger open. So that was fun, and now it's in a bandage. My colleague says it looks like I've got Michelin Man's finger hahaha. Anyway take care everyone, and thanks for the incredibly reviews still coming my way. I go to bed every night reading them with this massive grin on my face lol. :) <3


	25. If You're Thinkin' All The Time...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER SUMMARY
> 
> In the past-tense, John and Lewis have a needed heart to heart. Back in the present-tense, Roger runs into John's Mum, and John plucks up the courage to tell his Mum who Roger really is...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATING: Swearing, language, all that jazz.

_“John, have you got a sec?”_

_A sliver of anticipation ran through John’s body at the sound of Lewis’s voice._

_He quickly turned to see him approaching from the front entrance of school. There was something about his gaze, something sad, which had John hesitating, eager to hear what he had to say after so many months of silence._

_“Everything okay?”_

_“Erm...yes and no. How are you?”_

_“I’m alright,” John said quietly, barely audible over the hammering of his heart. “I’d erm...best keep walking though. I’m babysitting Julie tonight. Mum’s got a work thing.”_

_“We’ll walk and talk.”_

_John hummed, trying to ignore the way his hands had grown clammy as Lewis fell into step with him, their fingers brushing every so often._

_It had been almost six months._

_John had spent countless hours thinking about what he wanted to say to Lewis. And now, it was like his brain had gone into meltdown. He couldn’t think of anything good or funny enough to break the tension between them._

_“Speaking of. How is your Mum?”_

_“Oh, she’s...good, thank you. How’s your Mum and Dad?”_

_“Good. Yeah, they’re alright. Mum’s struggling to find work again at the minute, but Dad’s been working enough hours for the both of them, so I guess it evens itself out.”_

_“Sorry to hear she’s struggling.”_

_Lewis waved his apology away with a small smile. “She’s fine. She’s taken up baking to keep her mind occupied. You know how much she enjoys doing that.”_

_“Yeah, yeah, I do. Well that’s good, at least.”_

_Lewis nodded...and then sighed. “Look, I owe you an apology.”_

_John’s eyebrows furrowed, as he turned to peer at Lewis. “Do you?”_

_“Most definitely. For not being around as much. Or at the very least, for how I handled things after…” Lewis trailed off, lifting a hand to run over his short hair. He stared ahead, avoiding John’s eyes. “Well you know. After we...kissed.”_

_“Oh. It’s fine. I understand.”_

_Lewis suddenly stopped. John took a step forwards before he realised. He turned to him in question. Lewis was frowning at him._

_“Do you? Because I don’t. Not really. That’s why I’ve been keeping my distance. It’s just...complicated, isn’t it? I’ve been going over it all in my head, again and again, trying to work out what I should do next, or what to do for the best. Without, you know…”_

_“Hurting anyone?” John offered when Lewis fell silent again._

_Lewis sighed again in response. “Exactly.”_

_John knew exactly how he felt._

_“Well...what do you want? Say you could have anything in the world right now. And I mean **anything**. What would you ask for?”_

_Lewis’s expression softened in response. “Honestly? I’d ask for my best friend back. Ask for his forgiveness, at least.”_

_John stared back, the slightest smile on his face. Because it was what he wanted too. He was tempted to ask what it might mean for them, whether Lewis wanted to forget about the kiss they shared, but he was too scared. Having Lewis back in his life at all meant everything to John._

_Then Lewis gave a small smile. “And I’d ask for ice cream. I really fancy one right about now.”_

_John wanted to be all smooth and say something along the lines of ‘ **and I really fancy you** ’ but chickened out at the last minute. They were friends. Nothing more. Not unless Lewis wanted it too. There was no need to complicate things unnecessarily. Instead he said_—

_“Both of those things could easily be arranged, I reckon.”_

_Lewis’s smile made John’s heart soar in response._

-o-

John watched his Mum pick up a hoodie from one of the racks so that she could hold it against him. “Now this is a nice shade of yellow. That would look lovely on you, I think. It’s even got your university’s emblem on it.”

“No, that’s the _London South Bank’s_ emblem.”

“Oh, is it? Well, they’re similar. You can see why I might have mixed them up.”

John barely resisted rolling his eyes as she put it back.

“Anyway,” he said, seizing his chance at a subject change. “Got any ideas on what you want to do whilst you’re here? We could do some sightseeing. Or visit the Victoria and Albert museum. I know you’ve always wanted to go, and they have a nice garden café.”

His Mum smiled in response, following John round to the next market stall. “That all sounds nice.”

John smiled back, and then froze, perched on the outskirts of Freddie’s stall.

 _Fuck. Not quite the introduction he had in mind_.

He spun back, almost falling into his Mum in his haste.

“Woah, where’s the fire sweetie?”

“I’m erm...suddenly feeling kinda’ hungry, you know? How about we stop off at that nice café round the corner instead?”

“But we’ve not finished looking at all the stalls yet. I thought we were stopping off to say hello to Freddie too?”

“We were, but he…he...looks busy. He’ll be at the flat later anyway—”

“—John, what are you talking about?” She tilted her head to peer around his broad shoulders. Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion when she saw his stall was empty. “He’s not got any customers, and it would be rude not to drop by. Come on.”

“Mum, wait!” He hissed as she stepped around him and headed straight for their stall.

Roger immediately scrambled off from his perch on top of the counter. He glanced between John and his Mum with slightly panicked eyes. His body language had changed so quickly, it was almost like he’d been electrocuted.

Luckily, Freddie reacted quicker.

He finished hanging up the embroidered jacket in his hands and moved forwards to give both Lillian and John a quick hug.

“Here they are, my favourite customers! I wondered if you two might stop by. Lovely to see you again, Mrs Deacon.”

“Lovely to see you too, Freddie. Although, I’ve already told you, you must start calling me Lillian. Much less formal,” she said with a grin. Then her gaze drifted back towards Roger. “I see you’ve acquired a helper since I was here last.”

“Yes, I have,” Freddie replied evenly, shooting John a quick look before he added; “His name is Roger. He’s usually only here on Sundays, but we were fairly busy this morning, so I asked him to pop down for a couple of hours.”

Roger gave a surprisingly shy smile as he stepped forwards to offer his hand. “You must be John’s Mum. Pleasure to meet you.”

“Pleasure to meet you too Roger,” Lillian said politely as she shook his hand. She was watching Roger far too closely for John’s liking. “Your face looks familiar. Are you and John friends?”

“Erm...yeah, yeah, we are. We’re friends on Facebook too. Maybe that’s where you’ve seen me?”

She made a huff of protest in response. “Doubtful. I’m not very good with Facebook. John set me up on it before he left university, but I mainly use it to play Farmville and see what this one’s up to.”

John managed a strained smile as she looked back at him.

“On that note, we’d better think about heading out. We’re off to visit the Victoria and Albert museum in a bit.”

“That’ll be nice. I went there with my parents last time they visited.” Freddie said a little too enthusiastically as Lillian went back to peering at Roger.

“Yes, I’ve always wanted to go,” Lillian admitted distractedly. “What did you say your name was again?”

“Roger. My name’s Roger.”

“ _Roger_ …?”

“Err…” Roger hesitated, his gaze flickering between John and his Mum slowly. “Taylor.”

John pretended to look at his watch, hoping he didn’t look as flustered as he felt. “Mum, I really think we need to get going if you want to have lunch before we go to the museum. Otherwise we might not have enough time to look around—”

“—Wasn’t there a _Roger Taylor_ who used to go to your school?”

“I think that was erm….a Robert...Tyler, maybe?” John said, picking out the first two names that came into his head.

Roger stared at him, his bright blue eyes still wide with panic. There was a hint of a smile on his face.

“No, his name was definitely Roger something. Do you not remember him? He was the one who—”

“—Mum, I don’t know who you’re talking about! Do you want to go to this museum or not?”

Her mouth dropped open slightly at his tone.

“John, don’t be so rude. I was only asking a question,” she said with a click of her tongue. Then she turned back towards Freddie and Roger. “So, do you all go to the same university then?”

Roger pursed his lips and let Freddie reply.

“Me and John do, as you know. But Brian, my fiancé, and Roger go to the university just down the road.”

“Oh yes! John was saying that you got engaged! Congratulations!” Lillian grinned, pulling Freddie back in for another hug.

It seemed she was momentarily distracted.

Roger and John shared smiles of relief behind Lillian’s back in response.

-o-

John stared down at the text on his phone.

_Hey! Oh babe, I’m so happy you felt comfortable enough to tell her about me._ _😊_ _Yeah, of course, I’d love to come over so we can chat properly! Looking forward to it. See you in a bit, Deacs._ _❤️_ _Xxx_

_That makes one of us_ , John thought dryly as he slipped his phone into his back pocket again.

He gave his Mum a nervous smile as he put down the two cups, and a packet of custard creams—his Mum’s favourites—and sat opposite her at the table.

“I got those yesterday. I thought we could have some with our tea.”

“Did you only buy them to butter me up with?”

“Of course not. There was no hidden agenda.” John said softly. “We’ve got spag-bol for dinner. I know how much you love that too.”

“And _I_ know that’s your way of trying to change the subject. I can read you like a book, John.”

He sighed in response, pushing his hair back from his face. “I don’t get what else you want me to say.”

“What I want is an explanation, a better one. About what would possess you to get mixed up with somebody so...so...so _toxic_!” Lillian said with a point of her finger, as if she’d pulled the word from mid-air.

John tucked a strand of hair behind his ear and tried to reply as evenly as possible. “I’ve told you. He isn’t like that. If I thought he was, I would never have given him a second chance. I’m not saying it’s been easy. It took me a long time to trust him. But he doesn’t associate with those kinds of people anymore. It’s like I said all those years ago, when all that... _stuff_ happened, I genuinely don’t believe that he wanted any part of that.”

“And that makes it okay, does it?”

“No, of course not. But—”

“—But what? Does he not have a brain of his own? He still chose to be friends with them, still stood back and did nothing.”

“Which was wrong, of course. He knows that. But there were reasons for being like he was. He was scared of them.”

Lillian nodded evenly in response. “Presumably because he was gay too, yes? And didn’t want anybody to know?”

“He’s bisexual actually, but yeah. Basically. He didn’t want the same things to happen to him.”

She shook her head slowly, her expression firm. “That’s no excuse.”

John sighed wearily as he stared down at his cup.

He’d expected this reaction. That was part of the reason he’d put it off for as long as he had. But now was the time to face the music. Things with Roger were good. Better than John had ever had it in fact. Hence why he didn’t see the point of putting off telling his Mum about him any longer.

“Maybe, maybe not, the important thing is that he _is_ trying. He sees a therapist; the same one he’s had for the last four years. He regrets what he did. He does, Mum,” John added hastily as Lillian gave him a withering look. “He’s suffered too, you know. In his own way. He doesn’t really like to talk about it, but he lent me his journal from counselling to read. Why would he do that if he wasn’t bothered about proving he’d changed?”

Lillian shrugged casually. “How should I know what goes on in the mind of a vindictive bully?”

“Comments like that aren’t exactly helpful, are they?” John said a little tersely. “Why not get to know him like I do. Then make your judgments.”

“I can quite easily do both,” she replied with a degree of sassiness. John gave her a look which had her sighing in response. “I don’t understand any of this, John. Not after everything you were put through. It’s one thing to forgive the boy, but to find yourself in a fairly serious relationship with him is just...I can’t wrap my head around it.”

“I appreciate that it must seem weird. But that’s why I’m asking you to try and give him a chance.”

“I don’t know if I can. Those boys practically run you out of town. How is that fair? When you did nothing wrong to provoke them like that?”

He carefully nodded along to what she was saying, knowing that she at least had the right to feel like that. Of course, he understood his Mum’s reservations, having had them himself to begin with.

“No, it wasn’t fair. But it’s in the past, and Roger has paid the price for staying silent, I assure you. People make mistakes. That doesn’t mean they deserve to be punished for it for the rest of their lives,” John tried to explain calmly. “I was lucky. You and Julie didn’t care about me being gay. In fact, you both basically knew before I even did. That wasn’t the same for Roger. His Dad cared. His friends cared. Can you not at least try and imagine how that must have felt? Knowing that should anyone find out he was gay too; his life wouldn’t be worth living. Maybe if Steven and the rest had been punished far earlier, Roger might have had the courage to do the right thing.”

She continued to watch him, her eyes suddenly slightly glassy. “I just...don’t think I’m able to forgive quite as easily as you have, sweetheart. Not about this.”

“I know, Mum, I do.” John said quietly, his tone semi-desperate. “But can you not at least try? _Please_. For me.”

She pursed her lips, looking at him closely. He stared back, hoping that she could see how much this meant to him. But her expression only tightened in response.

“Look John, I love you and all I’d ever want is for you to be happy. But I don’t think this boy is good news. And the trouble is that you’re too personally involved, I can see that a mile off. Just ask yourself this; how would he react if you came across somebody homophobic in the street? Would he avoid kissing you in public out of fear about what everyone might think? No, I’m telling you John, I don’t like the look of this _Roger_ , and you’ll be the one to get hurt in the end—”

“—Mum, stop it!”

He didn’t want to listen anymore. Not when it was so obvious that she wasn’t listening to him. Or even attempting to understand how John might have felt.

“He’s already proven that he doesn’t care what anybody else might think. We ran into Steven ages ago; he was the ringleader back in school. I was on a date with a guy and he started on us at the pub. Roger actually stepped in and stuck up for me.”

“How do you know that wasn’t for your benefit? Set up to get you to trust him? Seems rather convenient, the two of them bumping into each other again in front of you.”

He barely resisted rolling his eyes at her conspiracy theory. “It was genuine, Mum. Believe me. Steven even said they’d not seen each other in years. And Roger wasn’t exactly thrilled to see him.”

He sat up straighter, pushing his hair back from his face and looking at her seriously. Really wanting to reiterate his point about this.

“We haven’t just jumped into this relationship. In fact, I wanted nothing to do with him at first. Then he slowly proved to me that I could trust him, and we became friends, then gradually we grew closer. I understand you might be concerned about his intentions, but that’s why the two of you need to talk. I want you to get to know him better. This isn’t just some fling. We’re both in this for the long haul. You said it yourself that all you want is for me to be happy. _He_ makes me happy.”

She said nothing as she picked up her cup to take a sip. John barely resisted fidgeting as she looked back at him expectantly. “Okay...give me some examples. Of how he makes you happy. How he treats you.”

John fought back a sigh by instead reaching for his own cup to take a sip. He wasn’t the biggest fan of talking about his feelings, but if that was what it would take for his Mum to show willing and give Roger a chance then…

“He does lots of nice things. He leaves all these little post-it notes around the flat for me to find when he has to leave early for work or university. He’s always treating me to stuff even when I tell him not to. Like flowers from the market, or these cute little trinkets. The other day, he brought home this really sweet brooch that they sell handmade on one of the stalls. Thought it would look nice on my jacket. But it’s the little things too. He...always goes out of his way to make me feel special, you know? Like he’ll make me a cup of tea in the evenings because he knows I usually have one then, especially if I’m busy studying, or he’ll clear up after himself after a shower because he knows I hate mess. He tells me every day that he loves me, no matter how busy one or either of us are. I’ve not had that with anybody before. Not even Lewis. I love being around him.”

She nodded, still watching him closely. He cleared his throat, still feeling like he was under interrogation.

“Anyway, the point is that it’s important to me that the two of you get along. I’ve invited him round tonight especially, so that you can meet properly. So please Mum, just give him one chance. For me.”

“Okay,” she said rather reluctantly. “Fine. But only because I can see how much this matters to you.”

A wave of relief washed over his shoulders at her agreement. It was a start, at least. “Thank you.”

-o-

John attempted to give his most encouraging smile when he opened the front door. He vaguely noticed that Roger had a bottle of red wine in his hands.

“Alright?”

“Not bad. You?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks for agreeing to come round.”

“Don’t be silly. I was glad you invited me,” Roger said, quickly stepping through the doorway to give John a kiss. It lingered as it always did, neither of them willing to end it too soon. Eventually, Roger pulled back with a small, dazed smile, his arm still around John’s waist, as he kicked the door shut with his foot. “How did she take it anyway?”

John hesitated. Roger’s smile quickly began to falter.

“Erm…yeah, it went alright, I think.”

He knew he wasn’t convincing anyone by the look on Roger’s face.

“She just needs time that’s all. But she agreed for the three of us to have dinner together. That’s a start, isn’t it?”

Roger hummed in response as he handed John the bottle of wine. Then he stepped away to shrug out of his jacket.

“Is that the right one? I remember you saying she liked her red wine. It’s my attempt at a peace offering. Anything to get her to you know…not hate me as much.”

John sighed in response. “She doesn’t hate you. She’s just…trying to get her head around us being together. I guarantee she’ll love you once she gets to know you.”

He watched Roger kick off his shoes, avoiding John’s gaze as he did. “Here’s hoping.”

“She will. You’ve said it yourself that you can charm just about anyone. It worked on me, didn’t it?”

“In the end.”

“Exactly,” John teased, before he leaned in to give him one more quick kiss. Roger beamed in response.

“Where is she anyway?”

“Just in the shower. I’d better go and check on dinner. We’re having spaghetti bolognaise if that’s alright. It’s Mum’s favourite.”

“Yeah, of course. Sound good,” Roger said as he followed John towards the kitchen. “Is Freddie joining us?”

“No, he thought he’d give us some space. He’s staying at Brian’s for the night.”

“Oh okay, cool. Just us then.”

“Just us,” John agreed lightly.

Roger was finishing setting up the table when Lillian popped her head round the doorway, her short hair still slightly damp from the shower.

“Oh, hi!”

John watched from besides the stove as he set down the rest of the cutlery. Lillian’s gaze flickered over him curiously.

“Hello again.”

“Nice to meet you again, Mrs Deacon,” Roger said as he held out his hand for her to shake. Only this time, she stared at it with a mixture of displeasure and uncertainty, until he dropped his hand back to his side again. His face was slightly pink as he wiped them against his jeans.

John frowned in response.

“Did you want wine with dinner? John mentioned that you were partial to a couple of glasses of _Pinotage_. Hopefully I got the right one.”

He grabbed three glasses from the cupboard and set them and the bottle on the table. John noticed the slight shake in Roger’s hands as he began to pour the wine. His Mum ushered a quiet _thank you_ as she sat down. Roger hesitated once he finished, standing across from Lillian, before pulling out a chair and taking a seat too.

“So, Mrs Deacon, John was telling me that you’re part of a book club. Which one are you reading right now?”

Roger filled the void of conversation easily enough over dinner. He talked to Lillian about her hyacinths in her back garden, her daily swimming lessons at the local gym, and her interest in crochet patterns.

John smiled as he listened quietly, conscious of the effort Roger was making. Once they finished eating, he reached over to rest his hand against Roger’s leg underneath the table. Silently trying to reassure him, even as his other leg continued to bounce nervously.

“So how long have you two been seeing each other then?” Lillian finally asked once Roger had stopped talking long enough to reach for his glass of wine to take a sip.

“Not long,” John answered quickly as he set his knife and fork down. “A few weeks.”

Her mouth dropped open a little in response. “I’d assumed it had been much longer from the way you were speaking.”

“Well as I said, we’ve been back in contact for a while. Hence why I wanted the two of you to finally meet properly. Get to know each other, you know?”

“And we’re supposedly doing that by talking about how well my hyacinths are doing, discussing Pride and Prejudice, the importance of exercising regularly, and what sort of things I’ve crocheted, are we?”

Roger cleared his throat quietly as he put his glass back down. “What would you like you to talk about, Mrs Deacon?”

She turned to look at him evenly. “How about you for a start.”

John struggled not to squirm in response.

“John says that you’re still seeing a therapist, is that true?”

Roger hesitated for a moment. It was almost long enough for John to open his mouth and speak for him, but Roger beat him to it.

“Yeah, I am. I got help after I finished school. I hated who I was. It’s important to me that I’m never like that again.”

“And you think therapy helps with all that?”

“I do, yeah.”

She nodded, still watching Roger carefully.

“And you keep a journal to document it all, I’ve heard. I presume you have to record your feelings, sleep patterns, all that sort of thing.”

“Basically. It also gives me the chance to write down anything that I might not feel comfortable discussing in therapy.”

“Like the fact that your friends and your father were homophobic, for example?”

“ _Mum_ ,” John warned under his breath as he began to collect their plates. She responded by looking at him blankly.

“What? I’m just asking a question. I’m showing an interest. Like you wanted me to.”

“Just go easy.” He gave Roger what he hoped was a reassuring smile as he turned to head for the sink. “You don’t have to answer that, by the way.”

Roger exhaled slowly. “It’s fine, it’s inevitable this might have come up in conversation eventually. So...yeah. My father wasn’t exactly a nice person. You probably already know everything my friends did back in school. The sort of people they were. But that’s not me anymore. Or at least, I like to think it isn’t.”

John said nothing as he began to run the hot water into the bowl.

“I hit a real low when John left. Think it made me realise how bad things had gotten, and how I needed to change. Luckily, Brian was there to help. Not that I deserved it. He’s been...well, a brother to me. I definitely wouldn’t have gotten through it all without his support.”

John swallowed thickly in response. He turned the hot water off, distracted by the dim glow of the streetlights from below. He recalled Roger’s scrawny handwriting in that letter John had found not too long ago, and internally thanked god for Brian. Without him, he dreaded to think how differently things would have been.

“Then Brian met Freddie, and eventually you met John again.”

“I know. It seems strange, doesn’t it? A good kind of strange though.” Roger said in a lighter tone. “I’d always planned on looking for him once I finished university. Just to see if he was okay. I was tempted to search him up on Facebook, but I kept chickening out. I didn’t want to feel as if I was imposing in his life in any way. Not after everything I did.”

“Yet here we are—”

“—And on that note, how about we talk about something else?” John asked pointedly as he set aside the first plate on the draining board. “You know Roger likes Hendrix too? His favourite album is _Electric Ladyland_.”

“Yeah, it’s true,” Roger said, sounding relieved for the subject change. Then he immediately began to speak about the influence Hendrix’s music had on his growing up.

John suggested Lillian head into the living room to find something to watch whilst they finished clearing up. Once she’d gone, Roger dried and put away the last plate and turned back to John expectantly as he poured away the water from the bowl.

“How am I doing? Reckon she’s softening to me at all yet?”

John smiled in response, seeing the worry in Roger’s gaze. “I think so. I mean, she hasn’t killed you yet, so that’s a win.”

Roger’s shoulders slumped a little in response, seemingly oblivious to how John was teasing him. “Keyword there—yet.”

“Don’t look so worried,” John sighed, desperate to help Roger feel less on edge. He stepped forwards, taking Roger’s hand in his and pulling him flush against him. “Look, just keep being your usual, chirpy-self, and she’ll see for herself how lovely you are.”

He heard Roger huff in disagreement as he rested his chin against John’s shoulder. “I wish I had your faith.”

“I’m loath to admit that I might be wrong on some things, but surely my word counts for something about this? Give it time. So far it’s been good, right? You’re at least being civil. That’s a start.”

He could practically feel Roger smiling as he bent his head to kiss John’s skin. “Yeah...yeah, you’re right.”

John grinned as he took a step back and took Roger’s hand in his. “Good. Now come on. Let’s go and see what Mum’s chosen for us to watch.”

He let John pull him in the direction of the living room. Lillian looked up as they entered, her gaze falling to their entwined hands.

“Any luck?” John asked as he headed for the sofa.

She turned back to the television, and John struggled not to laugh as she peered over her glasses at the screen. “Hmm. Well, there’s this film called _Avatar_ on. I’m not sure how good it is. It sounds a bit weird if you ask me. But I know John likes these kinds of films.”

Roger’s eyes widened as he moved to sit besides John on the end of the sofa. “Hang on, wait. You’ve never seen _Avatar_?”

Lillian rolled her eyes as she handed John the remote. “Oh, not you as well. I’ve lost count of the amount of times John’s dragged me to the cinema, begging me to see the latest _Star Wars_ or _Jurassic World_ , or even H _arry Potter_.”

“Perfectly understandable. Those films are all legendary. Not to mention _Planet of the Apes_ , _Star Trek_ , and—”

“—She’s seriously not going to have a clue what you’re talking about,” John said with a sigh. “So, if I was you, I’d just shut up and watch the movie.”

“Alright, mardy pants,” Roger huffed ungratefully at the suggestion, before looking pointedly across at Lillian. “But seriously. _Avatar_ is like a total classic. You’re going to love it. In my opinion, it’s up there with _Titanic_ , _Love Actually_ , _Die Hard_ , and—”

John pressed his index finger to Roger’s lips, rendering him mute. “We get it. _Shh_.”

“That’s me told, I guess,” Roger said lightly, as he snuggled into John’s side just as he liked to do whenever they watched television together.

Roger was always so warm, so soft nestled against John. It didn’t take long for John’s head to loll back against the arm, his eyelids slowly drifting closed…

By the time that he reopened them, his head was flat against the arm, and Roger was still nestled against his side. The television had been turned off. He closed his eyes again and listened to the quiet murmuring of voices.

“..can you not at least understand why I might have my doubts?”

“Of course. I’d feel the same way if I was you. That’s why I fully appreciate you giving me this chance. For John’s sake. I meant what I said before. I do love him. How could I not? He’s bloody incredible. Sorry for swearing, but it's true. He’s funny, kind, clever, not to mention the most forgiving person I’ve probably ever met—”

“—Some would say too forgiving,” Lillian interjected.

“I guess it’s lucky that he is. For me at least. But that’s exactly why I fell in love with him. He’s just amazing. He’s so talented too. Not that he’d ever believe it himself.”

He heard his Mum huff in response.

“Don’t get me started! I’ve given up trying to tell him to take his music up more professionally. Can you believe he’s not had one lesson on that bass of his? Not that you could tell. And he writes his own lyrics.”

“He did tell me that a while back. He reckoned he wasn't very good at that either.”

“Doesn’t surprise me. Always been too modest, our John.”

“Not to mention, stubborn.”

John could practically hear the smile in his Mum’s voice. “Now that we can agree on.”

“I just want you to know...I don’t take him giving me a second chance lightly. I was barely expecting him to talk to me again, to be honest. I just want to make him happy. Like he does me. He deserves that more than anyone after all that he’s been through.”

“Call me mad, but I actually believe you. You really do want what’s best for him, don’t you?”

“I really do. I just wish I’d been honest from the start. I should have been braver in school, I know that. I should have stood up to Steven sooner. But seeing him again in the pub that day, it just…it clarified things for me, I think. I’ll never let anyone hurt John like that again. I know I’m being ridiculously dramatic here, but I mean it when I say that I’d honestly give my life for him, if it came down to it.”

There was silence for a moment.

“And of course, John’s just as in love with you.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. I think that he at least _feels_ like he does. But as you say we’ve only been together a few weeks, and it’s not like he’s actually said it back yet. Which I totally get. He wants to say it when he’s absolutely sure. I just...I don’t know, I feel like it’s inevitable that he’ll come to his senses and realise I’m bad news after all.”

“Actions speak louder than words, Roger.”

“What do you mean?”

John heard what sounded like shuffling, before his Mum responded quietly.

“I _mean_ that I can read my son like a book. Even when he tries not to give anything away. He loves you, alright. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look as happy as he does tonight.”

John smiled subtly in response, the warmth of Roger’s hand burning against his leg through his jeans.

“That’s good,” Roger said softly. “That’s all I ever want for him. Look, thing is I know I’ve made lots of stupid mistakes. Most of them involve John. I’ve not got the best track record with relationships either. Don’t get me wrong, my heart’s in the right place. Or at least, I like to think it is. But it’s usually inevitable that I end up messing things up.”

“And you’re worried you’ll end up doing the same with John?”

“A bit. I’ve already hurt him in the past, haven’t I? I’d hate to risk doing so again.”

John heard his Mum sigh in response. “I think you’re overthinking this. The important things are not to take each other for granted. Keep treating him like you are now, and always make time for each other, no matter how busy both or either of you might be. Me and his Dad would put an evening aside once a week, just for us. Whatever was going on, that would be our time.”

“That’s actually a really good piece of advice. I bet you must miss him. Your husband, I mean. John does. I can tell.”

“Yeah, I do. We were married for almost twelve years, would you believe?”

“Wow that’s...pretty amazing. A really long time.”

“Yeah, yeah, it is,” Lillian replied almost wistfully. “He’s been gone almost longer than we were married. How crazy does that seem? It certainly doesn’t feel like it’s been that long.”

Roger hummed thoughtfully in response. “I’m sorry. It must be hard. Especially watching John grow up, without him there.”

“There were...times when it was hard, yeah. Especially for John. Which is why I’m so protective of him now. I just want what’s best for him. Me and you seem to share that goal. You seem like a nice lad, Roger. So, I’m choosing to trust my son’s judgement and give you the benefit of the doubt. Don’t make me regret that.”

“I won’t. I promise.” Roger said fiercely.

John felt a wave of relief at their words. It was a start, and it meant the world. Roger and his Mum getting along.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks, I'm back! Sorry it's taken the usual two weeks. Hopefully it was worth the wait! Still trying to catch up with all your lovely reviews so thank you for that. How is everybody's week going so far? I've had a great day! Had a rather successful date with a girl. I don't want to say too much without risking jinxing it, but we're off to see Bo Rhap on Wednesday as she's NEVER seen it and this must be fixed immediately hahaha. Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter! Let me know what you thought! <3


	26. We Can Work It Out Right...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a flashback to Roger being teased by Steven, and then the chapter flashes forwards to the present time, where Freddie and Roger finally find common ground, and things are starting to go right for the boys...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Rating is for swearing and homophobic language.

_“Well done on getting an A in that last essay, Mr Taylor. You’re virtually top of the class now, I believe.”_

_“Thank you.”_

_Roger gave a triumphant smile as Mr Matthews passed him back his Biology textbook. He’d studied hard to get that grade. Of all his subjects, Biology was his favourite. That and Music Theory._

_Mr Matthews seemed pleased to hear that._

_“I’m glad that you’re enjoying the lessons, Roger. You know, if Biology is your thing, it should please you to know that I think you have the skillset to become a Biologist one day, if you wanted to. Or you could become a teacher. I’ve noticed you seem to enjoy helping some of the other students. It would mean that you have to carry on working really hard though.”_

_“I’d be up for that.”_

_“That’s good to hear, Mr Taylor,” his teacher said gently. “So tell me. Have you got any other hobbies or are you just interested in Biology?”_

_“I like music. I played the drums for a bit at the start of term with the school band. But I got held behind because my Mum couldn’t afford a proper drum kit.”_

_“That’s too bad. But hey, if you enjoy it, you could always save up your pocket money each week. Or get a weekend job. It’s like I always say to my kids, if you want something bad enough, you’ll work for it.”_

_Roger nodded again thoughtfully in response. Then he slung his backpack over both shoulders. “That’s good advice. Thanks sir, I’ll definitely consider that. Have a good weekend.”_

_He smiled as he went back to reading through the papers on his desk. “You too, Roger.”_

_He was feeling good as he made his way out of the science block._

_It had been a difficult couple of years._

_But finally, Roger felt as if he might be getting somewhere. He could finally focus on making his Mum and little sister proud. Almost as soon as that thought popped into his head, he heard a commotion around the corner of the main building._

_Roger followed the sound a little warily._

_There was a crowd gathered on the edge of the grounds. He pushed his way to the front, and his stomach twisted at what he saw._

**_Not this again_ ** _, he thought in a mild panic._

_Steven had a fistful of John’s shirt, dragging him towards the floor._

_The crowd began to chant louder in response. **Fight, fight, fight!**_

_John tried to hold his own, which was difficult given that Steven was almost twice his size. He desperately clawed at Steven’s shirt and when that didn’t work, begged him to let him go instead. Steven laughed loudly in response._

_“Gladly. Once I’ve taught you a lesson. Freak.”_

_Roger gasped quietly as Steven launched his fist straight for John’s face. John flinched, reaching out a hand to stop his fall. Roger felt sick with disgust, watching it unfold in front of his eyes._

_None of what they were doing was fair. How they were treating John wasn’t right._

_He’d done nothing to provoke them. In fact, over the last few weeks, he’d begun to carefully avoid them more and more._

_And yet they still managed to get to him._

_Steven seemed to get off on making him suffer. Because he saw him as a freak. Just because he was convinced that John was gay._

_Roger didn’t see what the big deal was, regardless on whether he was or not. He’d never understood why people had such a problem with it._

_If anything, he felt guilty at the way he seemed powerless to do anything. If he got himself involved, it would be him on the floor, with Steven punching him instead. He’d tried so hard to put the past behind him, to start again. To keep his head down and act normal. He couldn’t ruin all of that by alienating his so-called friends already._

_John looked up, his eyes shining with tears. His lip was bleeding, and he’d grazed his hands on the way down. He lifted himself back up a little shakily._

_Each time that he tried, Steven shoved him back down with a cruel, mocking laugh._

_Roger didn’t want to watch anymore. He wanted to help, to tell them all that enough was enough. But each time he went to step forwards, his fear held him back. So he stayed silent instead._

_He didn’t get why they couldn’t just stay out of John’s way. He wasn’t hurting anyone. But Steven took too much pleasure in making his life hell to do that._

_Christopher turned to Roger with a smirk. “What a loser!”_

_Roger forced out a hollow laugh, hoping it would be enough. In reality, he didn’t find it funny at all._

_Eventually, Steven grew bored enough to finally take pity on John. He shoved him back towards the ground one more time with an amused snort. “Come on. Let’s leave the faggot to it.”_

_The crowd laughed in response, looks of smug satisfaction on their faces over the charade of a show that Steven had put on for everybody._

_Roger reluctantly followed._

_He wanted to move again. To London, or somewhere equally as big where nobody would know him. Somewhere far enough away that Roger would no longer feel so scared to go to school every day._

_But that was never going to happen._

_His Mum and sister were happy. It was just him who couldn’t seem to settle._

_He gave a quick look back, his stomach dropping at the way John drew his knees up to his chest as if he wanted to disappear. Roger knew how he felt. He offered him a fairly useless, sympathetic smile. Then they headed back into the main building, leaving the rest of the crowd to disperse naturally._

_Steven eventually noticed the textbook in Roger’s hands._

_“What the fuck is all this rubbish?”_

_“No don’t!”_

_It was too late._

_Steven snatched it from his grasp before Roger could stop him. Then he gave a mocking laugh as he flicked through it._

_“Oh my god, you actually got an A in your Biology exam. What are you, teacher’s new pet or something?”_

_“Of course not, it’s not like that. Mum wants me to get decent grades, doesn’t she?” Roger attempted to explain pathetically._

_“Why do you care what she wants? I don’t give a shit about what my Mum says,” Steven snickered. “I don’t even get why you’re trying with all that shit. I told you before Taylor, school is a waste of time. Maybe you wanna’ be more like John too, huh? A geek, a fucking freak with no friends—”_

_“Of course not, it isn’t like that at all!” Roger hurried to say, the panic increasing in his voice at Steven’s accusation._

_Steven gave a smug smile. “Good. Then you won’t be needing this, will you?”_

_With that, he unceremoniously threw Roger’s textbook into the nearest bin._

_Roger bit his lip in response, urging himself not to cry. Even when he thought about how much he hated his life, how much he hated school. How much he hated Steven and the rest of them._

-o-

Roger knocked three times, then pulled away to drum his hands against his legs. He went back to humming a soft melody under his breath. He’d had an idea for a song all week. It was different to the other stuff he usually wrote lyrics to, but the drum sequence in his head was catchy. He made a mental note to play around with it in band practice tomorrow.

The front door suddenly swung open. He was about to say hello, when—

“Oh, it’s _you_.”

Freddie was standing on the other side of the threshold, a look of displeasure on his face.

“Lovely to see you too, Fred. John about by any chance?”

“Unfortunately not. He’s still at work.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Roger said as he continued to fidget. “It’s just that I was meant to meet him round here at five. We were planning on trying that Italian place tonight.”

“Yeah well, I’m sure he’s probably just got held-up.”

“Probably.”

Freddie stepped aside and opened the door wider with a long sigh. “Well. Are you going to stand there all evening catching flies, or are you going to come in and wait? I’m kind of busy dear.”

“The latter option...I guess,” Roger said carefully as he stumbled through the doorway.

Freddie shut the door behind him and quickly headed away. “Make yourself at home. You usually do.”

Roger watched him turn the corner with a slow shake of his head and a mildly amused smile as he kicked off his shoes and hung his jacket up. “You know, we should really think about doing this more often, Fred. Hanging out. I really enjoy your warm and inviting presence.”

“Piss off blondie, you tosser.”

“Ahh, you love me, really. I bet you live for the days when I’m round here.”

“Tell yourself whatever you need to, to sleep at night darling. Which is more than what I can do when you do decide to pay John a visit. These walls are paper thin. Unluckily for me, your shrill voice travels fairly easily.”

Roger gave a dramatic gasp in response.

“Take that back! I have the voice of an angel. Although, you might have a point about the volume. It was the main reason I kept getting picked to sing for the Christmas carol concerts in school. Headmistress always said I had a gift at being heard.”

“Now there’s a surprise.”

Roger went back to tapping his fingers against his thighs as he headed for the kitchen, intent on making a drink. He turned his head to shout back through the hallway. “Tea Fred?”

He heard Freddie grumble something quietly before he replied. “No tar.”

“Suit yourself,” Roger smiled as he flicked the kettle on.

He rooted through the cupboard, in search of John’s cup. The one with the Leicester football emblem on it. It was his favourite, and as Roger hadn’t yet purchased one of his own to have around here, he liked using it. Once he found it, he went about making the tea, humming quietly as he did. Then he wondered back through the hallway.

Freddie was sat on his own bed, one foot hovering over the edge. His forehead was creased, his lips pursed in concentration as he finished painting his toenails.

“Busy, huh?”

“Isn’t there something else you could be doing? Rather than standing in the doorway watching me.”

“What do you suggest?”

Freddie rolled his eyes as he looked up at him.

“Have you not got a brain of your own? Surely you can think of something. Watch television. Listen to music. Read one of Deacy’s never-ending sci-fi books. Flush a boy’s head down the toilet—oh wait,” Freddie said with a sarcastic smile. “My mistake. You’re more of a watcher than a do-er. And supposedly that was the old you, right?”

Freddie was good. He knew the right thing to say to tempt a reaction out of Roger. Which was exactly why he didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. Something had to give. It wasn’t fair on John being stuck in the middle all the time.

Even still.

Roger gripped John’s cup tighter as he tried to keep his expression neutral.

“I’ll let you paint my toenails too if you like. Or my fingernails. My sister used to do it when we were kids. Usually when my father was away on so-called business.”

Freddie’s gaze flickered over Roger curiously in response.

“Anyway, I used to pay her back by doing her make-up. Got quite good at it actually.”

“I’ll remember that for when I’m next booked up to appear at the circus. As a clown.”

“Quick as always,” Roger commented coolly before he bent his head to blow on his tea. “Fine, no makeovers then. What sort of films do you like? We could watch one whilst we wait.”

“Trust me sweetie, I have better taste in films than you or Deacy. Besides, why would you think that I’d want to hang out with you? I know Brian believes in the theory of parallel universes, but I’m absolutely sure that in none of them, I’d be willing to spend time with you dear.”

“Oh come on. You can’t hate me forever. I’m adorable. It’s part of my charm. It’s basically what drew Deacy to me in the first place.”

“That’s because _Deacy’s_ always been a soft touch.”

“Which you’re definitely not.”

“Absolutely not. Just ask Brian.”

Roger huffed in response. “Don’t need to. I remember the bollocking he got for getting drunk at your engagement party.”

“That was the least he deserved. Although, I think his dear father was just about ready to kill him by the time he threw up in the bathroom.”

“Hey, at least he got it in the toilet. First time I drank, I was having a sleepover at my cousin’s friend’s place. Her parents had gone out of town—which my Mum didn’t know about—and her elder sister was left in charge and decided to have a massive party. I was thirteen at the time. I only had two cans of beer and a shot of vodka. And then I was sick in her kitchen. Just right there, in the middle of the room. That put an end to the party pretty fast, I can tell you.”

“Lovely,” Freddie said as he pulled a face again. He put the nail polish back down on the bedside table. “Well with that mental image to remember you by, can you please go and find something else to do? Something that doesn’t involve me. It’s not like we actually have any interests in common.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Roger said chirpily. “There must be something. We both like John for a start. Though, I’m obviously hoping that I like him a lot more than you do. Otherwise that would just be… _weird_. Not to mention I’m not too keen about the idea of sharing John—”

“—Keep digging that hole, Taylor.” Freddie said with a roll of his eyes.

“Cars? Classic rock? Football?”

“ _Please_. I don’t know a thing about cars, I’m more into soul and funk, and I’ve never watched a football game in my life.”

“John likes soul and funk too, I’ve noticed. That must be you and his shared interest.”

“Yes, because that was one of the first things I asked John when I met him.”

Roger grinned in response, ignoring Freddie’s obvious sarcasm. “Knew it. What about games then? There must be games that you like.”

Then they started to talk over each other.

“ _As if_ , I’ve never played a video game in my life—we don’t have monopoly—and the only game we have in the cupboard is _Boggle_ —”

“—I didn’t mean video games, I meant like monopoly, or tic-tac-toe—there was this game I played with John ages ago actually, I think it might have been called _Boggle_ —”

They stopped talking at the same time. Freddie’s shoulders slumped in defeat as Roger openly grinned in response.

“Oh good _god_.”

“Perfect!” Roger said chirpily, already rushing to drink his tea, so he could go and get it. “We can have a game whilst we wait for John.”

“Uh, no way! I’ve not even agreed to any of this yet.”

Roger shrugged in response as he went to put the cup in the kitchen sink and quickly walked back through the hallway.

“Just think of it this way. I could stand here and aggravate you until John gets home at whatever time that’s going to be. _Or_ you could come and play one game with me and then I promise to leave you alone for the rest of the evening.”

By the time he finished talking, he was back by Freddie’s doorway, the biggest smile on his face. Freddie narrowed his eyes in response.

“Fine. One bloody game.”

Roger was virtually bouncing on his toes in response. “Perfect. I’ll go and grab it.”

“Don’t make me regret this, blondie.”

By the time that John came home, Roger and Freddie were both bent over the living room table, writing furiously on individual pieces of paper. Between them stood a small hourglass, the sand slipping closer to the bottom with every passing second.

“Erm...are you two playing _Boggle_? With each _other_?”

He got no answer. Not even a look of acknowledgment from either of them.

“Freddie?”

“ _Shh_ John,” Freddie said without looking up from his piece of paper.

“Roger?”

“Not now, Deacy!”

John sighed in response and remained leaning against the doorframe, watching them. “You do remember that I booked a table at that Italian place in half an hour’s time especially, after you spent most of this week whining about how much you wanted to go there. I am not taking responsibility for you being in a fowl mood if we miss the reservation—”

“—Ah ha, time’s up! Stop writing!” Freddie shouted over the top of him. He stared across at Roger with narrowed eyes as he continued to write. “Oy you cheating bastard! I said that the time’s up!”

“Hey!” Roger complained when Freddie whacked the pen out of his grasp. “I was only finishing the word, that’s allowed!”

“Not in my book, it isn’t!”

“Yes, it is! I bet it’s even in the rules of the game—”

“—I think you’ll find it isn’t and if you don’t like—”

“—Shall I come back in a bit? Leave you two to it?” John raised his voice enough to get both of their attention.

Freddie smiled in response. “No need, Deacy. I’ll have thrashed him in a minute and then you two can go and enjoy your candlelit dinner in peace.”

Roger scoffed in response. “Listen to him! He’s already talking as if he’s won!”

“That’s because it’s inevitable that I have. I’ve been with Brian for far too long. All those fancy arse words he uses should have finally rubbed off on me.”

“Yeah well not only have I known him longer, but I actually live with him, so if he’s going to have rubbed off on anyone, it will be me!”

With that, Roger stood and headed straight for John, who gave a huff of laughter as Roger pulled himself flush against him. He tilted his head, giving him a long, firm kiss, which immediately took John’s breath away. His hands tightened against Roger’s hips as they eventually broke apart. They shared a dazed, yet coy smile in response.

“Hey you,” Roger cooed fondly.

“Hey yourself,” John whispered equally as softly. “I see you two have been having fun.”

“Don’t say that too loudly,” Roger whispered back in warning. “Freddie might hear and get scared off.”

“ _Ahh_ , I see. Is that the trick? Wear him down a bit at a time.”

Roger grinned as he began to twirl a strand of John’s hair. “Well yeah, it worked on you.”

John hummed in agreement, his gaze seemingly flickering back down to Roger’s lips. “True. It’s not the only thing that worked on me.”

Roger raised an eyebrow in curiosity. “No?”

“That thing that you do with your tongue? Hmm. It’s very good,” John said a little dreamily.

“Oh yeah, baby?” Roger said, his eyes lighting up in response. “I’ll happily use it on you again tonight, love. It’ll give you something to look forward to whilst we’re having our fancy dinner out—”

“—Excuse me dears, when you two lovebirds are finished planning your next shagging session, maybe Taylor can get his arse back over here so that I can finish kicking it!”

“Hmm, that sounds like fighting talk.”

John pursed his lips for a moment, fighting a smile. “It does, doesn’t it? We can’t have that babe.”

“No, we definitely can’t! Let me just finish wiping the floor with your best friend, and I’ll be ready to leave in like two minutes.”

“Alright.”

Roger turned, fixing his stare on Freddie. “Right, that’s it. You’ve asked for it now, Mercury. Come on then. Bring on the scores!”

-o-

“What’s this all in aid of anyway?”

Brian sighed as he finished pulling on his jacket. “Why does it have to be _in aid_ of anything? My birthday’s coming up, we’ve practically finished university for the year, and you and Fred are getting on better. I reckon that’s more than enough reason to celebrate, don’t you?”

“When you put it like that,” Roger said warily, biting back the reminder that he didn’t exactly have much money left after he’d decided to treat John to dinner a few nights before. Instead, he picked at his calluses and decided he could put off ordering new laces for his trainers. They weren’t quite that threadbare yet.

“Although, I do feel duty bound to point out that Freddie’s just being nicer because he’s still gloating about beating me at Boggle by one point. But I can appreciate how that must come across as progress, given how much he used to hate me.”

Brian rolled his eyes in response.

“Stop being a drama queen. He didn’t hate you. He was just being protective towards his best friend, which you must understand given the circumstances.”

“The circumstances being that I used to be a class A twat, you mean?”

Brian shut his bedroom door closed and looked at Roger softly.

“Of course not. That’s not what I meant. All he had to go on was John’s perspective from school. It’s like you’ve said before, you were a different person back then.”

Roger gave a weak nod in response.

All was well.

Lillian—John’s Mum—had returned home after her weekend in London, with a degree of trust that Roger would treat John with the respect he deserved, and that he wouldn’t hurt him again. Roger fully intended on sticking to that promise.

Freddie was being civil.

His counselling sessions weren’t quite as draining as they’d been in recent months.

Still, his insecurities nagged at the back of his mind. Silly, pointless thoughts which often kept Roger needlessly awake long after he’d gone to bed.

_John being too good for him._

_John inevitably realising that fact and walking away._

_Roger being alone again, his karma for all the mistakes he’d made._

_Roger’s demons eventually getting the better of him, his friends and family all left behind to hate him forever more…_

“Rog? Roger?”

Roger hummed in response, only just noticing the way Brian was staring at him questioningly as they headed for the door.

“You were miles away.”

“I know. Sorry. Just…thinking about uni.”

Brian gave a slow nod, a look of doubt in his eyes as he turned away to lock the front door. Roger used the time to clear his throat and steer the conversation back to their original one.

“Anyway, I think me and Fred have come to a kind of...understanding.”

Brian shot him a wary look in response. “An understanding about what exactly?”

“About how we care equally about you and John. We had a chat whilst John was in the shower last night. Agreed that we might not ever be best friends, but we should be civil for your sakes. It’s not fair otherwise. The two of you being stuck in the middle. You and Fred are getting married, and I think he finally believes me when I say that I really do love John and want him to be happy. That’s all that should matter.”

Brian blinked, his expression a little surprised. “That’s oddly…mature for you. For both of you actually.”

“What can I say? John’s a good influence. That’s my excuse anyway. I even managed to tie my own shoelaces the other day, you know?”

“Well done, I’m so pleased for you. “Next you’ll be learning how to cook.”

Roger scoffed as he followed Brian down to the end of their road. “Steady on, Brian. Let’s not run before we walk, shall we?”

Brian laughed loudly in response.

They headed to their favourite Italian restaurant. Freddie and John were already seated outside.

Roger dusted himself off as they approached.

He still got butterflies when he looked at John. He hoped he always would. It was like flutters of excitement going round and round in his stomach. He felt like pinching himself sometimes, too amazed to believe he was really his. It didn’t help with how good John always looked, so effortlessly beautiful, so truly… _lovely_.

He was wearing a black shirt, and fitted jeans, along with those damned platform boots. They made John’s legs look never ending and almost always drew Roger’s gaze to his pert arse.

I mean…he was only human, right?

His heart began to race as John gave him a smile. The way he looked at Roger so adoringly, so sweet…like he was so genuinely happy to see him. Roger still wasn’t totally convinced he deserved it.

“Hey you.”

“Hey yourself. Alright?”

Roger hummed as he leaned across the table to give John a quick kiss. It was almost impossible not to let it linger for a moment longer. He could feel his face grow warm as he pulled away. John’s smile widened as he reached across for Roger’s hand.

Freddie and Brian began chatting amongst themselves, giving Roger free reign to talk quietly to John as they browsed the menu.

“So, come on then. What’s this all-in-aid of?”

John looked up; his eyebrows furrowed with confusion. “I don’t think it’s in aid of anything, is it? You know Freddie. He can never resist the bruschetta this place serves.”

It was almost convincing. The way John stared back at him blankly.

“Hmm, a likely story,” Roger said disbelievingly. “Oh, come on, Deacs! I’ll pay you back in kind if you tell me what’s really going on.”

“I’ve literally not got a clue what you’re talking about.”

“I’ll do all the washing up every time I’m round yours next week.”

John scoffed obviously in response. “No, you won’t.”

“No, I won’t,” Roger said in defeat. They both knew how much he hated doing household chores. “Fine. I’ll let you decide what we watch for the next four weeks.”

John pursed his lips for a moment. “Hmm…tempting but again, how can I bargain with you when I’m just as much in the dark as you are?”

“That’s almost believable,” Roger said with narrowed eyes. “Alright, let’s get to the good stuff. I’ll give you as many free handies as you like over the next week, with absolutely no expectancy of anything back.”

John pouted a little in response, his eyes sad. “But I like touching you.”

Roger smiled a little, squeezing John’s hand lightly. “Alright, you can touch me if you want. But only if you tell me what tonight’s all about. In return, I’ll do anything you want sexually and—”

“Hello. I’m Alice and I’ll be your waitress this—”

The young, dark haired waitress stopped speaking as soon as she came over and overheard part of their conversation. Her blue eyes widened as she glanced between them.

“Ignore these two, darlings. Minds in the gutter, honestly. I swear it’s all they talk about.” Freddie said chirpily, his attempt at breaking the silence that had settled over the table.

“Says you!” Roger huffed unappreciatively. “You two are always oversharing details about your love life.”

John gave a casual shrug as he looked at Freddie. “He’s got a point.”

Brian cleared his throat, giving the waitress an apologetic smile, and mumbled something along the lines of _sorry about this_.

She shook her head, her cheeks slightly pink as she tapped the pen against the piece of paper she was holding. “It’s fine, I’ll erm…just give you a minute to have a look at the menu’s, and I’ll be right back.”

With that, she scuttled away from the table as quickly as her legs would allow her to.

“Well isn’t that just great? Thanks for scaring her away, you two.” Freddie grumbled sourly. “I’m absolutely ravished. We had nothing in for lunch, so I’ve basically not eaten in almost eight hours. I can’t afford to waste away darlings.”

John rolled his eyes in response. “Whose fault is that? Bearing in mind that I told you we needed to go shopping yesterday but you insisted we could make it last until next week.”

“Yes, because we’re on a budget, sweetie. Although, I really am hoping she’ll be back soon. I’m about ready to eat my own hand.”

Brian smiled in response as he reached across the table to take his hand. “Stop being so melodramatic. We’ve not even had a chance to look at the menu’s yet anyway.”

“I don’t need to. I know what I’m having,” Freddie shrugged. “I’ve known since we planned this little outing two days ago.”

Roger grinned in response. “Same here, to be fair. I’ve been dreaming about the tagliatelle all week.”

“I can confirm that he’s not exaggerating when he says that,” John said dryly. “I’ll probably have the carbonara again. That was amazing.”

“I’m getting the aubergine rigatoni. That’s always good.” Brian added in.

“Right, sorted. Brian, help me flag down our waitress!” Freddie ordered as he began to flail his hand in the air.

Roger snickered loudly in response. “Jeez Fred, calm down. You look like you’re bloody signalling for help.”

John gave a laugh in response, ignoring the way Freddie turned to glare at them, almost like a child who had just been scorned. “You two are so not funny!”

Luckily, the waitress was back before too long. Once they ordered and she headed away again, Brian turned to look at John and Roger.

“So erm…whilst we’ve got you both here—”

“Here we go,” Roger whispered quietly enough for only John to hear.

“We were wondering if you’d both like to be our groomsmen. For the wedding, I mean?”

Roger gasped in response, clearly not expecting that. John blinked, a look of surprise on his face.

“Are you serious? Yeah of course I bloody would! I’d be honoured to Brian, seriously man.” Roger said after a moment of silence.

Brian grinned in response. “Knew I could rely on you, mate.”

John blinked, looking between them with slightly wide eyes. “Same here. Obviously. Although…are you sure?”

“Of course I am, darling,” Freddie insisted, giving John his most sincere smile. “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather have as my best man.”

“Then I’d love to.”

“Perfect,” Brian said. “We were going to ask you both ages ago, and then we kept forgetting.”

Freddie raised an eyebrow at him in response. “I’m sorry, _we_?”

“Okay fair point,” Brian said with a sigh. “ _I_ kept forgetting. But the intention was there. I’m the only one here who’s an only child. So when Freddie agreed to marry me, I knew immediately I wanted Roger to be my best man. Same way Freddie feels about John, I’m sure.”

Freddie smiled in response. “Absolutely. But this doesn’t mean that Taylor gets to write some horrible speech full of lewd innuendos, by the way.”

“Give me some credit, Fred! I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Freddie looked almost taken aback by his horror at such an idea.

“No?”

“Course not! I’d wait until everybody’s had a few drinks and is at least tipsy instead—”

“—Wanker!”

“Teasing you again, Fred!” Roger grinned triumphantly as John merely rolled his eyes at him from across the table. “In all seriousness though, I reckon John should be the one to do a speech. You should see the lyrics he writes.”

John stared between them with wide eyes. He was already shaking his head before Roger finished speaking. “I’m no good at making speeches! I’d completely fluff it up in front of all those people!”

“No, he’s right, John! You’ve always had such a lovely way with words, darling.”

John waited until the waitress settled down their drinks and headed away again before replying, his face slightly flushed.

“Freddie, I _can’t_. I wish I could, but I’d be too nervous and I’d end up not being able to get my words out. I don’t want to ruin your wedding day, which is exactly what I’d do if I had to do a speech. No, if anyone should give a speech, it’s Roger. He always does the song introductions for the band, and we all know he’s confident in front of a crowd.”

“That’s completely different. That’s part of being in a band. This is…harder, isn’t it? I’m no good at talking about emotional shit like that. Brian knows that better than anyone.”

“I don’t know. I think you’re quite adept when you put your mind to it.”

“Some friend you are, Brian.” Roger said with narrowed eyes. Then he looked expectantly at Freddie. “Back me up, Fred. About how John should be the one to do it.”

“I’ve already said I agree, dearie. But fine, I’ll say it again,” Freddie teased as he looked at John. “You should at least think about it. Roger’s right, you’ve always been good at putting pen to paper. And I’d love to be able to say my best friend was the one to give a speech at our wedding.”

John hesitated, clearly seeing how much it all meant to Freddie. Then he frowned.

“Fine. I’ll at least consider it. Happy?”

“Extremely.”

Roger grinned in response. “On that note, are you having bridesmaids too?”

“Only Kash. I popped round to my parents last weekend especially to ask her.”

“That’ll be nice. I’m quite excited to see you two get married, you know?”

John gave Roger a dubious look in response. “Really? Coming from the guy who basically admitted he didn’t like weddings.”

“No, all I said was that there’s too much pressure to have everything perfect. Which I still stand by. I also said that if I ever did get married, I’d want it as lowkey as possible—”

“You, lowkey? I doubt that sweetie.”

Roger gave Freddie a wink from across the table. “Coming from you Fred, I’ll take that as a compliment. Anyway, you agreed with me, John. Said you wouldn’t like people staring at you either.”

John shrugged in response. “Which is true. You know I don’t like attention. I don’t think I’d be very good at planning a wedding anyway.”

Roger said nothing, watching John closely for a long moment. Knowing how much he enjoyed tidying his bedroom and having his wardrobe arranged in an orderly fashion.

John didn’t seem to notice as he grinned at Freddie. “Freddie on the other hand.”

“Go on, say it,” Freddie said with a smile. “I’m a little obsessive about the finer details. Nothing wrong with that, darling.”

“No, there’s definitely not, babe,” Brian agreed softly as he stared across at Freddie with a fond look in his eyes.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhhh, I'm so sorry it's taken so long to upload this chapter!! I have been SO busy since I uploaded the last chapter two weeks ago. Work has slowed down, so there's that, but since then, I have gone on three more successful dates with the same girl, who has now asked me to be her GIRLFRIEND. YAY! I have an actual girlfriend lol. So that's all good. And then the UK plunges back into a second lockdown on Thursday which is...y'know, fun. At least it means I get to practice more of my guitar and I'll have more time to edit these chapters lol. So that's something. And if it manages to steer this virus back onto the right tracks and stops people from getting so ill, then that can only be a good thing, right? Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter! Thank you SO much for your lovely reviews! I'll probably update again next Monday, and try to keep to a better schedule again. :)
> 
> Stay safe folks! <3


	27. When I'm Holdin' You Tight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JOHN'S POV
> 
> The chapter begins with a flashback from John's past. Lewis and John finally start talking again, and things become better than ever between them...
> 
> Then the chapter moves onto the present tense, where it's Roger's birthday, and John is determined to make it a nice day. Until, their relationship is inevitably let out of the bag...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATING:
> 
> Smut throughout. And swearing.

_John trailed after his Mum, staying quiet as she set her overnight bag besides the front door._

_“Right, so there’s pizza and a couple of cans of beer in the fridge. But I don’t want either of you having any more than that, okay?”_

_John smiled in response. “We won’t. Promise.”_

_“Tell Lewis I said hi. Me and Lucinda should make some time for a catch up over the summer holidays. It’s been ages since I last saw her.”_

_“Yeah, I reckon she’d like that actually.”_

_She stepped forwards and pulled him into a hug. John winced a little in response._

_“Mum, you’re acting like you’ll be gone for a month. It’s only for the weekend!”_

_“Surely I’m still allowed to miss my son? We’ve barely spent any time together lately.”_

_John immediately felt guilty at her tone._

_“Sorry. I guess I’ve been cramming loads of revision in, you know?”_

_His exams were coming up and John was feeling the pressure. He needed straight A’s if he wanted to get into university and study Electrical Engineering. It was a particularly difficult course to get into._

_“Hmm, and stressing over your exams, no doubt. But it’s like your sister said at dinner the other night—if anybody is guaranteed to ace them, it’ll be you, sweetheart.”_

_John wished he had their faith. He scoffed doubtfully as she leaned away enough to look at him._

_“That’s easy for her to say. She’s only in year seven. She’s got a good few years before she has to worry about any of that stuff.”_

_“Maybe so, but I believe you’ll do well too which has to count for something, does it not? You always doubt yourself about these things, and then end up doing better than you imagined.”_

_John hummed disbelievingly. She was bound to say that, given that she was his Mum. He gave her what he hoped was a confident smile as she pulled away completely._

_“Right, well I hope you and Lewis have a nice weekend. Try and relax a little bit before your exams next week. And no loud music after ten p.m. You know what miserable gits our neighbours are. Any excuse to moan.”_

_John chuckled in response as he bent to pick up her bag and handed it to her. “We’ll be as quiet as mice, promise. Give my love to Auntie Doreen and tell her that I hope she feels better soon.”_

_“Will do. Love you.”_

_John grinned as he held open the door for her. “Love you too, Mum.”_

_Once she was gone, John rushed back upstairs to take an extra long shower. The music playing from his phone blurred into the background as he scrubbed at his hair. Instead, he stared at the far wall and let himself be caught up in his thoughts._

_He was filled with a kind of nervous energy. His body vibrated from it as he concentrated on washing. He wanted to make sure he smelt good, for no other reason than wanting Lewis to notice._

_They had the whole weekend. No interruptions. His Mum had gone to take care of their elderly Aunt with a bug, and his sister was having a sleepover at her friends’ house._

_John had told himself not to get his hopes up._

_Lewis was still with Charlotte._

**_But…_ **

_There’d been moments between them once again. They were closer than ever before. Lewis had been around almost every night, and during none of that time had they talked about Charlotte._

_But did that actually mean anything or was John just reading too much into it as usual?_

_John had found himself wondering._

_He’d catch the look in Lewis’s eyes when he gazed at him. The lingering stares when they bid each other a goodbye. The flushed cheeks and stuttering apologies when their fingers accidentally touched. The charged silences as they listened to music side by side on John’s bed._

_John didn’t do any of that sort of stuff with anybody else. He was pretty sure that Lewis didn’t either._

_He shook his head and told himself once again that he was being silly. He stepped out of the bath, letting the smooth voice of Donna Summers wash away his thoughts as he reached for a towel._

_By the time he tip-toed into his bedroom, he had a text waiting for him._

**_Hey! I’ll be over in half an hour if that’s alright? Mum’s dropping me off straight after football practice. Really looking forward to seeing you!_ ** **_😉_ ** **_Xxx_ **

****

_John’s heart thumped loudly in his chest as he read and re-read Lewis’s text. That had to mean something. He’d literally used a winking face emoji. How was John not supposed to read that as flirty? It didn’t come off as innocent banter between two friends. But if he was right, what did it mean for the two of them? Did that mean things were over between him and Charlotte?_

_John frowned and then shivered, suddenly realising he was still only in a towel. He decided he’d come back to that once he was dressed and his hair was dried._

_Which was conveniently just as there was a knock at the front door._

_Longing clawed at his gut when he found Lewis stood there, dressed in a shirt in a blue similar to the colour of his eyes, and tight jeans. His mouth went dry when Lewis smiled._

_“Hey John,” he said softly._

_John swallowed thickly in response. “Hey, erm…thought you were coming straight from football practice?”_

_“I was but I had everything packed this morning, so I just bunged it into a locker, and got changed straight after.” Lewis explained. “Mum says hi, by the way. She said to tell you that she hopes we have a good weekend too.”_

_“That was nice of her,” John said quietly. “Mum said to tell you hi, too.”_

_Lewis smile widened further. For a moment, John forgot to breathe._

_“Mum’s, huh? So…am I allowed in, or am I camping out here all weekend?”_

_John blinked in response, totally forgetting that they were still perched on the threshold. He immediately stepped back and opened the door wider, feeling himself blushing in response._

_“S…sorry, I wasn’t thinking. Come in.”_

_Lewis laughed as he stepped through. He pressed a hand to John’s shoulder, just for a moment. It was warm, and left John’s skin all tingly._

_“I’m only messing, John. Sorry, you know what I’m like when I’m nervous. I make terrible jokes. You smell nice, by the way.”_

_“Erm…thanks,” John said distractedly. His first comment had caught John off guard as he shut the front door. “So y…you’re nervous? Not about hanging out with me?”_

_For some reason, the question seemed to embarrass Lewis. If his slight stutter and the way he’d turned away far too quickly was any indication._

_“Well…n-no, not exactly. It’s just…been a while, hasn’t it? And er…we’ve not had a sleepover for a while. Obviously you know I er…I love hanging out with you, and I just wanted this weekend to be perfect, as sad as that probably sounds and erm—”_

_“—You wanted this weekend to be perfect?”_

_Lewis turned back at the surprise in John’s voice, his eyes slightly wide, and his face slightly pink. “I mean…yeah, a bit. I just wanted it to be special, I guess. Because you mean a lot to me, John.”_

_The way Lewis was looking at him was like…he really meant that. Like he was trying to tell him what perhaps he might have been struggling to say aloud. It was intense, in the best way, and had John automatically drawing closer…_

_Then Lewis blinked, and the moment was broken, and instead, John was left feeling warm all over, and a little embarrassed at so easily getting carried away. He disguised it with a quiet cough, and his best teasing smile as he slipped past Lewis in the hallway._

_“Aww Lewis…didn’t know you cared so much. I feel practically honoured.”_

_It brought a source of comfort to John to know that Lewis felt as strongly as he did about this weekend. It gave him the confidence to tease him._

_“Charming mate, you are. I try and be nice and you mock me with sarcasm. Oh, how you wound me so!”_

_John grinned in response, heading straight for the kitchen to grab them both a drink. “So dramatic. You almost put Shakespeare to shame.”_

_“Well I did get an A in drama.”_

_John pretended to roll his eyes. “Yes, and don’t we all know it.”_

_“Hey! I have to hang onto these little victories! Makes a change from you being the brainbox,” Lewis teased as John passed him a can of beer._

_They headed upstairs to play on the PlayStation for a bit. Then they put on a movie. By the time it finished, they’d eaten their pizzas and taken down their empty plates and was both well onto their second can of beer._

_John came back and headed straight for the vinyl player in the corner of the room. He could practically feel the heat of Lewis’s gaze as he reached for a record. He shivered a little as he set the needle down. He turned to find Lewis watching him softly, the slightest smile on his face._

_“Mum brought me their greatest hits for Christmas. I know how much of a fan you are.”_

_“You remembered?”_

_“Of course I did.”_

_John remembered lots of things like that._

_Like how much Lewis loved football. His favourite band were the Beatles and his favourite movie was the Lion King. His favourite colour was sea green. He even knew that Lewis had a circular birth mark on his shoulder._

_There was so many things John had been conscious of memorising through the years._

_“I thought you liked the Beatles too?”_

_“I do, to be fair. Although, lately I’ve been getting into more soul and funk, since I brought a few more records with my pocket money. People like Gonzales, Kool and the Gang, Rick James, stuff like that.”_

_“Gonzales?” Lewis said with a raised eyebrow._

_“They’re a kind of funk band.”_

_“Ahh, I see.”_

_John tucked a strand of hair behind his ear shyly as he went and sat besides Lewis on the bed again. He grabbed his can from the table and took a long sip, enjoying the way it had given him a slight buzz._

_“So,” Lewis said casually as John began to play with the ring on his can. “You and Holly, huh?”_

_It was the first time either of them had mentioned it. John was guessing it was no coincidence that it was coming up now that they’d had a drink._

_John refused to look up. He could practically feel Lewis smirking at him from his place on the bed._

_“Shut up.”_

_He heard Lewis snort in amusement. “Hey, I’m just asking. Can’t blame a guy for being curious.”_

_“I can actually, and I do.”_

_“That’s not fair.”_

_“The phrase curiosity killed the cat exists for a reason.”_

_John forced himself to turn his head, catching the way Lewis pouted a little. Any other time, he might have laughed and told him to stop being a dork. But something about his gaze had John blushing a little in response. He fidgeted nervously, tearing his gaze away to take another sip of beer._

_“It’s just…a bit weird. Talking about that with you.”_

_“I’m only messing, you don’t have to tell me about it if you don’t want to. I was just surprised when I heard. My two best friends and I didn’t have a clue.”_

_Bitterness tugged away at John and he responded before he could think it through fully. “Why would you? It’s not like we’ve been that close recently.”_

_“Ouch. But I probably deserved that for how I’ve treated you. I’ve been a bit of a dick, haven’t I?”_

_John looked up at him from under his eyelashes, seeing the sincerity in Lewis’s expression. He immediately shook his head in response._

_“Don’t worry about it.”_

_“But I do. Because regardless of the fact that I was sorting things through in my head, I shouldn’t have just ignored you. I’m sorry. Seriously. Like really sorry. But if it helps to know, I’ve realised a lot whilst we’ve not been talking. The most important one being that I missed you. Like…a hell of a lot.”_

_It felt like something heavy was pressing against John’s chest at his confession._

_“I understand. And…same, I missed you too.”_

_“Good,” Lewis said, a smile pulling at his lips. “Good. Then I guess we’re on the same page then.”_

_John gave a small nod in response. “I guess we are.”_

_Lewis’s gaze was roaming John’s face leisurely, so softly. John felt something akin to butterflies fill his stomach in response. He ignored that in favour of doing the right thing. Which was to subtly shift himself a little further away and take another sip of beer. Desperately try to block out those thoughts._

_“To be fair, we’ve both been busy. I’ve been revising as much as I can lately. With our exams coming up.”_

_“You nervous?”_

_“A little bit.”_

_“I do understand why, but honestly, you’re the cleverest guy I know, John. No, strike that. Cleverest person for sure. By a long shot. I guarantee you’ll ace them.”_

_John’s eyes lingered on Lewis’s face, on the confidence in his eyes. “You sound so sure.”_

_“That’s because I am.”_

_“Makes one of us, I suppose. I’m convinced I’m going to forget everything the minute I sit down to do those exams. Fluff any chance of ever getting into university.”_

_“I bet you won’t. You’ve studied too hard to let that happen, trust me.” Lewis said confidently. Then he cleared his throat softly before continuing speaking. “Speaking of fluffing things, I’ve got a bit of a confession to make.”_

_That immediately piqued John’s interest. “Oh?”_

_“Me and Charlotte broke up last week.”_

_John’s immediate reaction was joy. Then he felt awful._

_“Oh…sorry to hear that.”_

_“It’s all good, we parted as friends. It was the right decision. We kept arguing about stupid stuff.”_

_John nodded, watching Lewis fiddling with the ring on his can of beer. “Like what?”_

_“Just like…making time for each other. She didn’t like how often me and you hung out either.”_

_“Slightly ironic, isn’t it?” John said with an amused smile. “Given your concern about blanking me this year.”_

_Lewis shrugged in response. “I guess she might have been a bit jealous? Of our friendship I mean. Most of the time I was with her, I kind of pretended to be wrapped up in her. Which was wrong, I know. But the minute me and you started to get close again, she had a problem with it.”_

_A flair of protectiveness welled up inside of John._

_“Yeah well, her loss.”_

_“I doubt either of us will be losing sleep over it. Besides, if this year has taught me anything, it’s that you’ll always be much more important to me than some girl.”_

**_Some girl_ ** _, John repeated in his head. He decided rather quickly he liked the sound of that._

_He sighed as he set aside his can of beer, and turned to lay on his side, facing Lewis. It was then he realised just how close they were. Not that he could bring himself to care anymore. The alcohol was well and truly working its way through his body, leaving him feeling tingly and warm all over._

_“Well…we’ll always be friends, right?”_

_Lewis hummed thoughtfully as he finished his can of beer. “Friends…”_

_The word hung in the air as Lewis’s gaze remained on John. His eyelids were heavy, his face slightly pink. It reminded John of the look Lewis gave him before they kissed at the start of the year._

_Heat pooled low in John’s gut. He wondered vaguely if Lewis would have any objections if he just suddenly leaned in and kissed him again. But then Lewis eventually looked away to set aside his can and the moment was broken once more._

_“Whilst we’re being honest,” John said softly. “You should probably know too. Me and Holly, we…never actually ended up sleeping together.”_

_Lewis turned back to face him; his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “But then how comes everyone thought you had?”_

_“I guess because it kind of looked like we had?”_

_Lewis looked even more confused by that. So, John began to explain._

_How they’d kissed for a dare, and then went up to her room. How they’d snogged on her bed. How John had wanted to be into it…but wasn’t. In reality, all he could think about was Lewis. A fact he didn’t feel like mentioning, in case he ruined the moment. Instead, he said—_

_“I guess people just assumed we’d gone the whole way. We were in her room for a while, I guess. Just…talking about stuff.”_

_Lewis nodded, his gaze curious. “What kind of stuff?”_

_“Just…catching up mostly.”_

_“So many people were talking about that night for ages, you know?”_

_“I didn’t realise until a few weeks later,” John admitted with a small shrug. “You know what I’m like. I kind of zone out when I’m at school, especially when I’m stressing about exams.”_

_Lewis smiled in response. “Yes, I’ve noticed.”_

_“Anyway, I didn’t see the harm in not correcting people. Thought it might even boost my street cred a little bit, to be honest, as stupid as that must sound.”_

_“Street cred?” Lewis repeated incredulously. “John, you’ve never had any to boost in the first place.”_

_John stared at him, slightly woundedly. It was worst coming from him, regardless on whether it was true or not. “First of all, **ouch**. Second, not true. I won that dancing competition back in first year. That was pretty cool.”_

_“If you say so, John.”_

_John huffed in response, partly hurt, partly joking. “God, some mate you are!”_

_Lewis laughed loudly as John proceeded to try and get up. Lewis responded by reaching for his hand and pulling him close again._

_“Don’t be like that John! You know I’m only teasing! Why would you care about any of that shit anyway? What should matter is the people who like you for you. Your family. Me and Holly. Fuck everyone else. Fuck what anyone else might think.”_

_John felt warm all over, comforted by the feel of Lewis’s hand in his._

_“I wish it was that easy.”_

_Lewis’s expression grew a little sombre at John’s words. “It is. I told you. If those wankers go anywhere near you again, I’ll happily punch them in the face. I’ll take the bloody lot of them on!”_

_“But I don’t want you to do that,” John quickly argued. He felt sick at the very thought of Lewis risking himself in that way. “All I want is for them to leave me the hell alone.”_

_“I know baby,” Lewis said softly, his hand squeezing John’s softly. “And I wish the teachers weren’t so fucking useless. But I mean it. I’ll do whatever it takes to stop them hurting you again.”_

_John licked his lips, suddenly finding them dry. He noticed the way Lewis’s gaze seemed to follow the action; his gaze growing heavy again._

_John scrambled for a subject change._

_“I erm…realised something. After that party at Holly’s.”_

_Lewis blinked sluggishly, his thumb softly rubbing circles against the back of John’s hand. “Oh yeah? What…what was it?”_

_“I definitely don’t like girls.”_

_John waited for that to sink in._

_Lewis’s gaze drifted up to John’s eyes in surprise. It somehow gave him the courage to keep talking. To finally be honest about what he wanted. Or rather who._

_“Turns out those twats were right. I am gay.”_

_Lewis’s expression softened in response. “John, you know—”_

_“Look, the point is,” John interrupted, knowing that Lewis was about to make some valiant speech about how none of that mattered. He wanted to say it before the beer wore off and he lost his nerve. “The point is that I realised whilst she was kissing me that the only person that I wanted to kiss was you.”_

_Lewis’s mouth quickly closed again. His hand gently squeezed John’s again, perhaps for reassurance._

_“Really?”_

_John nodded once. “In fact, when we kissed at the start of the year…well…I’ve not been able to get it out of my head since, to be honest. I tried. I really did. You got with Charlotte, and I just wanted to be… **normal** , I guess. For once in my life.”_

_Lewis frowned in response. “John, you are normal.”_

_“It doesn’t feel like that sometimes. When I lived in Leicester, I was the weird kid whose Dad had just died. Then when we moved here, I was the weird, new kid. And now I’m just…the weird, gay kid, I guess.”_

_“Well then I must be weird too.”_

_John stared at him, trying to decipher whether he meant it in the same way. He’d spent far too long getting his own hopes up to have them crumbling back down on him in a blink of an eye._

_Lewis’s hand tightened in his in response._

_“It’s not a big deal—being gay. I like guys too, as well as girls. That’s why I kissed you. I liked Charlotte, but…she wasn’t you. I felt bad because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but you’re the one I want, John. It’s always been you. Probably always will be. For me, at least.”_

_John’s heart felt almost as if it was going to take off by that point. He felt giddy with happiness, inevitable hope swirling inside of himself at Lewis’s words. It was all he’d wanted to hear for so long._

_“Mum knows by the way. About how I feel about you. We had a chat about it a couple of days ago. She asked me if that was why me and Charlotte had broken up.”_

_“And what did you say?”_

_“That it was partly the reason. But mostly because it just wasn’t working out.”_

_John nodded in response, enjoying the heat of Lewis’s gaze. He smiled automatically. “So then…does this mean that you wanna’ kiss me again by any chance?”_

_“Definitely. I’m only human,” Lewis said with a smile, a glint in his eyes. “Why? Do you still want to kiss me?”_

_John responded to that by moving before he could talk himself out of it. He suddenly had the urge to taste Lewis’s lips, to feel his tongue against his, and to lose himself in the heat of Lewis’s body._

_He’d never felt a need like it. Not with anyone else._

_It was almost like he was adrift and the only person capable of steadying him was Lewis._

_It was even better than their first kiss._

_Lewis sighed against his lips as John shifted himself onto his lap, using his hands to steady himself against the hard planes of Lewis’s chest. Slowly, their kisses grew more intense and sloppier. Their tongues touched; their breaths mingled._

_It was so overwhelming. So intense already that it made John’s head spin._

_Lewis’s hands cradled John’s face delicately, despite the roughness of their kisses._

_All John could think was how much he wanted **more**._

_John began to grind against his lap, enjoying the way Lewis gasped a little, one hand dropping to tighten against his hips. When he began to move more firmly, with more confidence, Lewis moaned loudly in response. John shivered, conscious of how badly he wanted to hear Lewis making more sounds like that._

_But Lewis pulled away just as John started pulling up his t-shirt over his body. His eyes were heavy, his face slightly pink, and his lips plump from their kisses._

_“John…wait. What are you doing?”_

_John blinked back at him uncertainly. “What does it look like?”_

_“I didn’t come over to sleep with you. I came over to hang out.”_

_Now John was really confused._

_“So you don’t want to?”_

_Lewis sighed, sitting up a little more, as he rested both hands against John’s hips. John was slightly distracted by the way his thumbs were rubbing soft circles into his skin._

_“I didn’t say that. It’s just…I know you’ve never been with anyone. I know this is different to being with a girl, but…at the same time, I don’t want you to feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to.”_

_“I don’t.”_

_“Okay well,” Lewis said softly, moving to tuck a strand of hair behind John’s ear. “There’s no rush either, right? I’ve wanted you, I’ve wanted this, for as long as I can remember. But we don’t have to do anything right away.”_

_“So…what you’re saying is that you want to wait?” John asked blankly._

_Lewis sighed again. “What I want is for you to be absolutely sure about taking that next step. And if you’re not then…I want to wait for a time in which you are.”_

_John bit his lip, considering his words. He was right. He didn’t have any experience when it came to sex, not like Lewis. He’d only kissed four people in his life. Lewis, Holly, Sophie, and a girl in year six, although that had only been for a dare._

_Lewis raised an eyebrow expectantly when John hadn’t replied in a while. “John?”_

_But John wasn’t afraid of the thought of going further. Not anymore. Not with Lewis, his best friend in the whole world. If anything, he felt…excited at the prospect. Because he knew it was new for both of them. They could learn together, like they did with everything._

_John tugged at his t-shirt again, looking Lewis straight in the eye as he pulled it back up._

_“What I want…is you. Just you. I don’t want to stop. I wanna’ feel good.” John said thickly, leaning forwards to give Lewis a long and firm kiss. When he pulled back, Lewis was gazing at him with such sincerity, it made more heat and desire pool low in John’s gut. “Please…make me feel good, Lewis.”_

_He gasped as Lewis sat forwards and pressed his lips to his neck, his hands grabbing at John’s own clothing. His own hands folded in Lewis’s hair in response._

_John was suddenly incredibly grateful that they were already on his bed. Every minute spent not touching and kissing was one that was wasted in his opinion._

_He couldn’t get enough._

_Lewis switched their positions so that he was on top, trailing kisses all over his body, until he was finally knelt between John’s thighs._

_By which point, John felt no embarrassment to admit that he was begging for more._

_Lewis responded with a smile, pulling away only to grab the lube. Then he was back, wrapping a hand around John’s cock._

_John’s mind was immediately wiped clean. He’d never felt pleasure like it. All the times he’d touched himself thinking of Lewis didn’t come close._

_It felt as if every crevice in his body was on fire by the time that Lewis leaned forwards and took him in his mouth. It was the most incredible thing John had ever experienced. He tried so hard not to buck, not to dig his fingernails into Lewis’s skin too hard, but then he began to bob his head faster, taking more of John in his mouth, and he was practically sobbing with need._

_As soon as they were both prepped, Lewis grabbed for the packet inside the back of his wallet. He gave a small smile as John looked back at him._

_“Emergency purposes.”_

_John grinned in response, tugging Lewis back towards him just so that he could give him a kiss over his shoulder. “A likely story.”_

_As soon as Lewis rolled the condom on, he lined himself up with John’s body, his hand against his back. He pressed a kiss against his spine and began to inch forwards._

_“You good?” Lewis asked softly once he was fully seated inside of him. He tucked John’s hair over one shoulder and kissed the back of his neck, enjoying the way John shivered in response._

_John hummed, giving a small nod, his hands still clenched against the headboard. He was slightly breathless when he replied, his voice thick. “Better than. You can move. I’m good, seriously.”_

_They swapped positions frequently, both of them desperate to draw it out for as long as possible. That went out the window when it came to having Lewis on top, face to face, body to body._

_John moaned loudly as Lewis began to move faster, his hand tightening slightly around John’s cock._

_When it was over, they lingered for a bit, both of them unwilling to pull apart from each other._

_And then they fell asleep side by side, Lewis’s hand in his hair._

_John was woken with a kiss. He smiled, giddy with happiness, and immediately climbed back into Lewis’s lap. Afterwards, they stayed in bed for a while, the duvet pooled around their waists. Neither of them in any rush to be anywhere else, content to lay pressed together._

_Then Lewis searched for his lips, drawing him into another kiss._

_That was when he whispered it._

**_I love you_ ** _._

_John felt so happy he could cry. He leaned away enough to watch Lewis’s face light up as he said it back._

_For the first time in his life, John felt genuinely happy. He felt safe, protected, loved. And it was all thanks to Lewis._

-o-

By the time John crept back into the bedroom, Roger was awake.

John smiled fondly, taking a moment to register just how adorable he looked. With his messy blonde curls curtained around his face, his blue sleepy eyes, and the way he lit up the minute he saw John. His smile widened further when he noticed what he was carrying.

“Morning love. Is that for me by any chance?”

“Both of us actually. But only because it’s your birthday.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” Roger said quietly. “I told you yesterday not to go to any trouble. I’ve never really been big on birthdays anyway.”

“So you said. But it’s not every day you turn twenty-one. Plus, I know how much you’ve been wanting breakfast in bed, so…this is strictly a one-off treat. I’d make the most of it whilst you can.”

“How can I argue with that logic?”

John shuffled over to the bed and set the tray of food down carefully.

“Precisely,” John teased lightly. He leaned closer, giving Roger a quick kiss. “Happy birthday by the way.”

Once they finished eating the pancakes, John went to clear up. He grabbed the two presents from the cupboard under the sink which he’d hidden just before Roger had come round the night before. He knew it would be one of the only places he wouldn’t think to look. John hid the items behind him and headed back towards his bedroom.

Roger was still sat up against the headboard, as he stared dreamily out of the window.

It was times like these, John wished he could draw. There was something about the way that the duvet was pooled around Roger, naked from the waist up, the July sun streaming in from the window giving him an ethereal glow.

Sometimes, he seemed almost too beautiful to be real. John would often wake up convinced that he’d reach out to find the other side of the bed empty and cold and realise that their relationship had only ever been a wonderful dream.

But then Roger turned his head and John was once again pleasantly reminded that he really was there.

“I know we agreed to do presents later. But I’ve decided I can’t wait. I really wanna’ see your face. _So_. Hold your hands out and close your eyes.”

Roger eyed him curiously, amusement in his eyes when he noticed John’s hands behind his back. “Ooh, it’s not a sex toy, is it? Or porn? Or a sexy outfit?”

John raised an eyebrow in response. “ _Sexy outfit_?”

“Yeah! You’d look totally hot in lacy underwear and stockings.”

Roger groaned at the thought, biting the edge of his bottom lip as his eyes fluttered closed. It was enough to make John pause and consider the idea. He’d never really tried that sort of thing before, but if it was a possible turn-on for Roger? He’d definitely be open to it.

“Interesting. Perhaps that could be your Christmas present this year.”

Roger opened his eyes and gazed at him like he’d just made all his wishes come true. “Seriously? God, you’re amazing, you know that? I love how willing you are to try new things.”

John smiled shyly in response as he headed further into the bedroom. “You’ve still not got your eyes closed.”

“Oh yeah, sorry. You distracted me.”

Roger closed his eyes again, the slightest smile on his face as he held his hands out. John sat in front of him and placed the two presents into his awaiting hands.

“You can open your eyes now.”

Roger blinked sluggishly, staring down at them with a look of amazement as he delicately fingered John’s wrapping.

“They’re for me to open now? Both of them?”

“That was the general idea.”

Roger was practically buzzing with excitement. He looked like a kid at Christmas, his eyes slightly wide, and the biggest smile on his face, as he hastily unwrapped the first present. It was a black, velvet rectangular box. He gently opened the lid and gasped softly as he traced the thick, silver chain.

“John…babe, it’s…it’s beautiful.”

“It’s the one you liked, right?”

A couple of days before, he’d met Roger in central London straight after his counselling session. Lately, he’d left there with a spring in his step, and a positive mindset. But not that day. He’d come out with slightly puffy eyes, and a defeated expression on his face. They’d gone past a jewellers, where a silver snake chain had caught Roger’s eye.

John didn’t act on it straight away.

Instead, they’d gone home and snuggled on the sofa, watching repeats of _Friends_. When they went to bed, Roger finally crumbled. He spent what could have been hours going over all the abuse he’d received from his father, which he was forced to constantly relive through counselling. He was nestled against John’s chest the whole time as John listened quietly, wiping his tears away and placing soothing kisses against his skin, whilst reiterating how proud he was of him over and over again.

It seemed that they’d reached a pinnacle point in their relationship where Roger felt comfortable enough to open up to him completely.

It meant a lot to John. He knew how hard it would have been for him to do that.

And so he’d gone back to the shop the next day to get the chain, deciding it was the least that Roger deserved.

“You caught me ogling it, huh?”

“Obviously. You were practically drooling over it.”

Roger laughed in response. “I might have been a bit. I love it. Honestly. I’ll wear it to the pub later.”

He set it down and reached for his next present, carefully peeling away the wrapping paper. It was a notebook with drawings of drums, guitars, microphones, music notes and headphones on the front.

John watched Roger gazing uncertainly at it.

“I erm…I saw it in town the other day. I thought maybe you could use it to write your lyrics in. Rather than having to keep using the back of your counselling journal. It would be separate from it, one just for any inspiration you might have.”

Roger nodded; his gaze still glued to the notebook in his hands. “Wow, that’s a really good idea. Thanks, Deacs. That’s really thoughtful.”

“You don’t have to use it though. Not if you don’t want to.”

Roger suddenly looked up at him with wide eyes. “No, I do. I promise. I’m just…I don’t know. A bit overwhelmed, I guess. You’re been so thoughtful. I’m still not totally convinced I deserve it.”

“You’re being a muppet again.”

Roger smiled a little in response. “Yeah. Yeah, I am.”

John tried to use humour to cheer Roger up when he got like that. But his words stung. Roger still being convinced that he didn’t deserve kindness only made John ache to prove how wrong he was.

“I’m making a rule. No wallowing allowed. Not today. Not on your birthday.”

“Alright,” Roger agreed easily, setting aside his second present and reaching out to tap his fingers against John’s thighs. “Only if I’m allowed to make a rule too.”

“Depends on what it is?”

Roger only grinned in response. He replied by climbing straight into John’s lap and closing the distance between them.

John sighed against his lips, letting himself be caught up in the feel of Roger’s hand in his hair and the taste of him against his tongue. He felt a little dazed as Roger eventually leaned back enough to gaze at him heavily, his cheeks flushed.

“I get to unwrap you too. Several times over. Like you said, I’m only twenty-one once, right?”

He reiterated his point by trailing his gaze over John’s body, down to his underwear and back up to his face and waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

John pursed his lips to fight a fond smile.

“That could be arranged. But before you get too carried away, I’ve got one more present for you.”

The surprise in Roger’s eyes was amusing, to say the least.

“Really? Another present? Where is it?”

John’s gaze drifted over to the bedside table. “Top drawer.”

Roger turned enough to pull it open, remaining perched in John’s lap.

He retrieved a small black box, opening it and eyeing John curiously as he let the keyring slide onto his index finger. It revealed the silver key and the drum hanging from the keychain.

“It’s a key. For what?”

John rolled his eyes in response. “What do you think it’s for? It’s for the flat, you wally.”

Roger stared at him with furrowed eyebrows. “Seriously?”

John hummed as he watched Roger twirl the keyring around his finger. “Me and Freddie were talking the other night, about how him and Brian are moving in to that smaller flat in September.”

Roger’s shoulders slumped in response.

“Brian did mention it ages ago. I have been looking for other flats but they’re all so expensive and I don’t reckon I’ll be able to afford a place of my own, which means probably flat sharing with somebody I don’t really know, and—”

“—and that would be shit, right?”

“Well, a bit yeah.”

“Which was why it got me thinking, about you having your own key. It makes sense. It’ll mean you can drop by whenever. On top of that, I’ve got enough money stashed away to pay for the rent when Freddie moves out. So I thought rather than you having to resort to flat sharing with a stranger, why not…just move in here.”

Roger stared at him, his mouth slightly open. “M-m-move in? Here? With you?”

John had the sudden realisation he’d made a terrible mistake, judging by the look on Roger’s face. His stomach twisted in response.

“Or not. If you think it’s a silly idea, or think it’s too soon. Sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed—”

“—Wait—wait—I promise that isn’t what I’m thinking at all, Deacy!” Roger rushed to interrupt. “You just took be by surprise, that’s all. Of course I’d love to move in with you.”

John blinked back uncertainly, despite how Roger was grinning at him. “Really? You’re sure?”

“Absolutely! It’s a bloody amazing idea! I can’t believe I didn’t think of it myself, to be honest.”

“Well, you do always say I’m the one with the brains.”

“True. And I’m the one with the body,” Roger winked suggestively, as he played with the ends of John’s hair. Then he pouted as John laughed. “Oy, you git! You’re not supposed to laugh at that!”

“Right, sorry,” John said, pursing his lips in order to fight back more laughter at the way Roger was staring at him.

“You’re forgiven. Now, as I was saying,” Roger said before he leaned forwards to softly rub his nose against John’s. “I love you, more than anything. I honestly can’t wait to move in here with you.”

John lifted one hand to tuck Roger’s hair behind his ear. “Good, neither can I.”

Roger all but glowed in response.

“Good. Now let’s start as we mean to go on. Firstly, by making the most of an empty flat and shag as loudly as we like. It is my birthday after all.”

“ _Shag as loudly as we like_?” John repeated amusedly. “Who knew you could be so romantic, Rog!”

“Ohh shh Deacy and kiss me!”

Roger cut more of John’s laughter off by cradling his head in his hands and kissing him hard on the lips.

They took their time, neither in a rush to be anywhere else.

It was the sweetest kind of pleasure.

Roger happily let John take control. He kissed down his body, leaving Roger gasping and slightly dazed from under him.

John reached for the bottle of lube and knelt between Roger’s thighs, the briefest smile on his face as he gazed up at him from under his dark eyelashes.

It was dizzying. Roger was already begging for his touch before John had even taken his cock in his mouth.

John loved being able to do this. Being able to make Roger feel as incredible as he made him. He loved the thought of making him come just by using his mouth, but he wanted more than that.

He wanted to be inside of Roger, wanted to give him pleasure so intense that he saw stars.

So he reluctantly leaned back far enough to grab the lube again. Then he went back to giving Roger a blowjob whilst prepping him at the same time. Until Roger barely seemed coherent, his head thrashing against the pillow, and calling John’s name as he entered a third finger.

“ _John_ , fucking hell! I’m not gonna’ last much longer if you keep that up.”

John reluctantly let Roger push him away and gazed up at him as he continued to fuck him with his fingers, long and slow.

“No? You want something?”

“Yes, you fucking twat, _you_!”

“Bit rude!” John said in an affronted tone, purposely driving his fingers forwards to rub against his prostate.

Roger moaned loudly in response, gripping John’s shoulder harder. He replied through gritted teeth. “John, I swear to god. If you don’t fucking get on with it in the next thirty seconds, I’ll never give you another bloody sodding blowjob ever again—”

“—Alright, alright, no need to get so uppity.” John replied with a knowing smile.

Roger huffed in response as John pulled his hand away to lazily wipe against the sheets, deciding they could change them later.

John reached for the lube for a third time and used a small amount to stroke across his own virtually hard cock. He gripped the headboard with one hand, steadying himself, as Roger leaned forwards and swallowed his groan with a kiss.

“You good?” Roger asked huskily against his lips as he batted John’s hand away to stroke his cock down to the base.

John gave the tiniest nod as Roger tugged him forwards, so that he was nestled between his thighs.

It didn’t matter how many times they did this, it still felt just as incredible as the first.

Roger truly was a vision to behold, particularly when they were intimate. His blonde hair wild, his face flushed, pleasure shining brightly in his eyes as he moaned loudly, his head arched against the pillow.

Roger focused on the speckled effect of the ceiling, the essay that he still hadn’t finished discussing the diffusion in organisms, the football results from the weekend, or even the songs they’d been learning in band rehearsals.

 _Anything_.

Anything but the needy little sounds John was making against his ear, the feel of how deeply John was pressed inside of him, the way John’s hand tightened against Roger’s cock, as he stroked him down to the base. His pace began to quicken, Roger’s name on his tongue, and just like that, all of Roger’s focus flew out of the window, his hands tightened against the sweet curve of John’s arse as he came against the warmth of John’s hand.

He groaned in response, following shortly after, just as breathless and spent as Roger.

They gradually pulled away from each other enough to clean-up. As soon as they did, they lay back against the bed, their legs entangled, with Roger’s head against his chest.

Roger loved being so physically close to him. There was nowhere else he’d rather be.

John rested his chin against the top of his head, his hand in his hair. He was feeling warm all over and happy, _truly_ happy. Possibly happier than he’d ever been.

And it was all thanks to Roger.

 _I love you_.

He leaned back a little so that Roger could tilt his head up to look at him, amazement in his eyes.

“Wait, what…did you just say?”

John smiled in response, gently tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. “You getting deaf in your old age? I said I love you.”

Roger sat up properly and spun to look at him. John suddenly felt cold without him nestled against his side. He looked so beautiful like that, with his blonde hair curtained around his face, and his blue eyes shining with love and happiness.

“You really love me?”

“It seems so. Guess you’re stuck with me now.”

Roger grinned in response before he leaned forwards to give John a slow kiss. “Good. I love you too, baby.”

John felt so happy he could have cried. Being with someone like Roger, someone who treated him with respect and made him feel this special and loved was all he’d ever wanted.

-o-

“Remind me again, whose awful idea it was to celebrate Roger’s birthday at John and Brian’s place of work of all places?” Freddie grumbled as they walked through the front doors to _The Alchemist_.

“Birthday boy himself,” Brian answered with a grin.

“Seriously? You could have at least had it at that nice Italian place we all like. They might have given us free bruschetta to celebrate.”

Roger shrugged when Freddie sighed wearily. “Hey, I’m doing you a favour. Think of it this way. Brian and John both get staff discount, which means cheaper cocktails, which in hindsight means that you’ll have more money to pay for yours and Brian’s wedding.”

“That’s a fair point,” Freddie remarked with a fond smile. “Do you know something Taylor? I reckon there might be hope for you yet.”

Roger grinned in response as he fell in line with John. Brian and Freddie walked on ahead towards the bar.

John gave him a knowing look. “You’re such a schmoozer. Everybody knows the way to Freddie’s heart is by mentioning anything about saving money for the wedding.”

Roger stared at him evenly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, sweetheart. I was just making the effort to be civil with my boyfriend’s best friend. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“Hmm, the innocent act never suited you, you know?”

“You know what they say, Deacs. Angel in the streets, devil in the sheets,” Roger gave an over dramatic wink which had John groaning in embarrassment in response.

Roger laughed, happy to have made his boyfriend blush in public.

Freddie ordered himself a _Singapore Sling_ , John a _Mojito_ , Roger a _Whiskey Sour_ , and Brian a _Long Island Ice Tea_.

“We sitting outside? Make the most of the nice weather?”

“Yeah alright then,” Roger agreed with Freddie eagerly. “Shall we go grab a table?”

“Might as well.”

Roger turned to smile at John. “You alright if we leave you two to collect the drinks?”

“I think we’ll just about manage.”

Roger rolled his eyes at John’s sarcasm. “My boyfriend—the comedian.”

“God, don’t encourage him,” Freddie teased with a smile. “I love my best friend dearly, but his sense of humour hasn’t gotten much better over the years.”

“You’re one to talk, mate.”

Roger leaned in to give John a quick kiss, before he and Freddie headed outside, talking between themselves the whole way.

“Those two seem to be getting on better,” Brian said lightly.

“Hmm, I’ve noticed.”

“It can only be a good thing. Makes both of our lives easier, doesn’t it?”

John smiled in agreement. “Certainly does.”

“Speaking of making life easier, I assume Lucy knows now? About you and Rog?”

John’s smile disappeared as soon as it had appeared. He turned away quickly, focusing on watching Nathan with the cocktail shaker.

“Not yet.”

He heard Brian sigh in response, immediately making him feel worst.

“I know it needs doing. I get that. But I’ve not seen her all week. She’s been working different shifts.”

“Which you could have changed had you wanted to badly enough,” Brian said evenly. “We both know that’s a copout. You must realise that the longer you put it off, the harder it’s going to be.”

“Actually, I was hoping it might work the opposite way. The longer I don’t tell her, the more time she’ll have to get over him.”

Brian frowned in response. “Do you really think it was that serious?”

John forced a small nod. “For her, at least.”

“I understand you’re trying to spare her feelings. But imagine how much worst she’ll feel if she finds out from somebody else. Or saw the two of you together.”

John’s stomach dropped at the thought. “Don’t. I feel bad enough already.”

“Why though? You’ve done nothing wrong. It wasn’t like anything happened between the two of you until after they broke up, right?”

John began to fiddle with phone guiltily. “I guess so. Although…Roger did sort of kiss me not long before he ended things with her.”

“Yes, but from what I heard; it was one one-sided at the time. Having said that…probably not best to mention any of that to her.”

John snorted in response. “You think?”

Brian smiled as Nathan came back with their drinks. “That’ll be fifteen pounds, please.”

John automatically reached to pay with his phone at the same time Brian did. “I can get this, Bri.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. Besides, I’m under strict orders from Freddie to pay. I’ll let you get the next lot.”

“Okay deal,” John smiled, before he turned back to Nathan. “Do you know if Lucy’s working today by the way?”

“No, it’s her day off, I think.”

John nodded in response, watching him walk away.

“Well at least that leaves no chance of you running into her today of all days,” Brian said quietly.

John said nothing as he grabbed his and Roger’s drinks.

Freddie and Roger had chosen a table under a parasol. Roger grinned as John sat beside him.

“Right, now that we’re all here. Can I open my presents?”

“Go on then,” Brian said with a roll of his eyes as he passed over the silver gift bag from under the table.

Roger squealed, virtually bouncing in his seat.

“Christ, it’s like having a child.”

Roger responded by poking his tongue out at Freddie from across the table.

“I’m guessing John succumbed into giving you his presents this morning.” Brian said knowingly.

“Brian darling, how blind are you? Have you not noticed the gorgeous necklace Roger’s sporting this evening?” Freddie asked with a sigh.

“Err, no babe. Can’t say that I have.”

Roger immediately stopped trying to open the first present and sat forwards, pointing out the chain with a grin. “I’d say my gorgeous boyfriend has excellent taste, but given that I technically saw it first…”

“Yeah, yeah, shut up and open your presents.” John griped teasingly.

Roger laughed in response and went back to tearing at the wrapping paper. “To be honest. I’m glad John gave me my presents this morning. It would have killed me if he’d made me wait all day to ask me to move in with him.”

Brian frowned at him in response. “How? You’d have been none the wiser about it.”

“Don’t be a smartass, I just meant that hindsight is a marvellous thing,” Roger teased as he finished peeling back the wrapping paper to reveal a pack of new drumsticks. “Aww cheers mate! I really needed a new pair. Mine have started getting splinters.”

“I remember you saying.” Brian smiled. “Brought them at that music shop on Lavender Road.”

“Just to say, they’re from both of us. Me and Brian decided to buy you joint presents this year.”

“Get you buying joint-couple presents now that your engaged!”

John launched at Roger’s comment. “You’ll be doing joint Christmas cards soon.”

“Yeah and recording phony joint messages on the answering phone once you get your new place.”

“Yes, yes, hilarious as always, you two.”

“We aim to please, Fred,” Roger teased.

He tore back the wrapping paper on his next present, and gasped. It was a Jimi Hendrix vinyl of the album _Electric Ladyland_.

“ _Wicked_! This is my favourite record.”

“I know. Brian mentioned it. I nipped out the other day to get it from that stall you like,” Freddie admitted with a smile.

“Ahh, so that’s where you disappeared to!” Roger said with a grin. “I thought you were acting shifty when you got back.”

John looked between them with a furrowed brow. “Hang on. Have you even got a record player?”

“Well no but I’ve always wanted this record. And now that I’ve got it, it’ll give me the incentive to save for one.”

John frowned in response. “Why didn’t you just tell me you wanted one? I could have got it for your birthday.”

Roger was already shaking his head before John had finished speaking. “No, because a decent record player is expensive, and I don’t want you spending that sort of money on me. Besides, sometimes it’s not always about the finish line, but the journey it takes you to get you there first.”

“What is it with you and saying incorrect proverbial phases?” John teased.

“That is easily one of the cheesiest things you’ve said Rog, and yet, it’s strangely poetic for you.” Brian said with a shake of his head.

“I’ll choose to take that as a compliment, mate.”

Freddie convinced them to order a different round of drinks. Freddie went for a _Cosmopolis_ , John a _Mint Julep_ , Brian a _Blue Lagoon_ , and Roger a _Pina Colada_.

Roger leaned across to press his hand against John’s leg under the table. He smiled at him as Freddie and Brian began chatting amongst themselves.

“Thanks for today babe. It’s honestly been the best birthday ever.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I mean it, I’ve loved spending today with you,” Roger smiled sincerely.

“Good, me too.”

Roger responded by leaning in and kissing him in a way that had John’s breath catching in his throat, completely oblivious to everyone else’s presence. Eventually, he pulled back enough for them to share a heated gaze.

“Oh, you have got to be kidding me! You two! You’re _together_?”

John watched the way Freddie and Brian’s gaze drifted over their heads. He immediately knew what they were staring at. Or rather _who_.

Within just a few seconds, Lucy was storming over to their table. A few people had turned to see what the commotion was, and John suddenly had the urge to somehow disappear.

Roger shifted in his seat, his hand still against John’s leg.

“Look, before you kick off, we wanted to tell you, we did. It’s just—”

“—Are you taking the piss? _Before I kick off_! You’re a fucking arsehole, Roger Taylor! I can’t believe the two of you have been laughing at me behind my back this whole time!”

“No, we haven’t—”

“—I can promise you it wasn’t like that, Lucy,” Freddie said quickly.

“No, it wasn’t,” Brian agreed. “I think we can all appreciate that this is a difficult situation, and I don’t think they knew best on how to tell you the truth without hurting you.”

“Yes, because finding out like this isn’t humiliating at all, is it?”

John heard the crack in her voice as she finished speaking, followed by the sound of her feet.

Freddie sighed in response, his chair squeaking against the floor as he moved to stand. “Lucy, wait—”

“—I’ll go.”

John rushed to get up, ignoring the way his stomach twisted with guilt.

 _This was all his fault_. He’d been the one to put off telling her, and now she’d found out the hard way.

He raced after her as carefully as he could, whilst trying not to bump into anyone. He called her name but that only seemed to make her walk faster.

“Lucy…Lucy, wait…please, just let me explain—”

“—Explain what exactly?”

She suddenly stopped so abruptly that John almost fell into her. He felt wretched as he took in her puffy, teary eyes.

A couple of people walking past had turned their heads upon hearing the commotion. She didn’t seem to notice as she wiped at her face, smudging her eyeliner a little.

“Explain how you’ve been seeing each other behind my back the whole time?” She said with an unamused huff. Then her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Wait…were you two a thing whilst me and him were together?”

“ _What_? No, of course not!”

“Then how long has it been going on for exactly?”

John bit his lip guiltily, knowing how bad it would sound when he said it. He looked away, watching people walking past. “A few weeks. Give or take.”

“Give or take?” Lucy repeated dangerously quiet.

He swallowed thickly in response. “Look, the point is, I’m sorry. Okay? I didn’t want you to find out like this, I swear. I just…didn’t know how to tell you without hurting your feelings. I didn’t want you to feel as if I was rubbing your face in it. Not when I knew you were in love with him.”

Lucy threw her hands up in the air in response, anger in her eyes. “ _Exactly_! You knew I was in love with him! And you _still_ went and got with him! I thought we were supposed to be friends, John?”

“We are, but—”

“—But _what_?” She demanded, virtually shouting now. “Friends don’t shag friends ex’s, it’s practically rule 101 of the friend code!”

“But it’s complicated! We have history together. We went to the same school; you already know all that. When we met again, it was…weird, and I didn’t know how to feel, and then he was with you, and by the time I realised I had feelings for him too, you and him were already over, I swear.”

She hesitated, turning away to sniffle discreetly and wipe at her eyes again. When she looked back, her eyes were glassy, and she was biting her lip.

“You’re in love with him?”

John gave a small nod in response. “Yes. I’m sorry, Lucy.”

But that only seemed to make it worst if her expression was anything to go by.

She took a shaky breath, her eyes narrowed as she stared at him. “Fine, you’re in love with him. You still should have told me, John. But you didn’t. You chose to keep it a secret instead. Because you’re a coward.”

She shoved past him hard enough to push John back half a step. He paused, her words replaying in his head. Or one word to be more precise.

 _Coward_.

She was right.

He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket and kept his head down as he walked back to _The Alchemist_.

“What did she say?” Brian asked as John sat back down.

“Nothing I didn’t deserve.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.” Roger said softly, his gaze lingering on John’s face.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost, darling.” Freddie said in concern, as he passed John the rest of his drink. “Have that. For the nerves dear.”

John could practically feel the heat of Roger’s gaze as he downed almost all of it. He wrapped an arm around the back of John’s chair again. “Alright?”

John forced a nod, his gaze glued to the table.

-o-

Roger plonked himself in John’s lap with an easy smile.

“Now that they’ve gone, maybe we can finish celebrating properly. Preferably with my mouth around your cock. To begin with, at least.”

John attempted a smile, his hands frozen against Roger’s hips. “Yeah, alright.”

Roger gave a small huff in response. “Don’t sound too enthusiastic, Deacy.”

“Sorry. I’m just… _sorry_.”

Roger’s gaze trickled over John’s face slowly in response. “Whatever she said, it’s probably not true.”

“Except it is. I am a coward.”

“She really called you that?” Roger said, sounding vaguely surprised. He gave a slow shake of his head. “She’s out of order.”

“No, she’s heartbroken, there’s a difference.”

“The point stands. People get their hearts broken all the time. That doesn’t give her the excuse to call you a coward.”

John stared at him from underneath his eyelashes evenly. “You could try being a little more sympathetic.”

“Why should I? I’ve already apologized for being a dick. I’m the one who hurt her, I deserve her anger. But you’ve done nothing wrong. You starved off telling her to save her feelings, and if she can’t see that then…well, it’s her problem.”

John stared at the rigid line of Roger’s lips and the fire in his eyes unseeingly. His stomach turned at the way his thoughts turned.

“Except it’s not that simple. You do realise she was in love with you?”

Roger’s gaze finally dropped as he began to fiddle with the buttons on John’s shirt absentmindedly. “That’s why I broke it off. Figured it was better being cruel to be kind.”

John hummed in response. His gaze trailed over Roger’s blue eyes, his long eyelashes, his warm cheeks, his full lips. He knew Roger at least thought he believed that.

“Because you never felt anything for her?”

“Obviously not. We’ve had this conversation several times.” Roger said tersely. “I told you. I never made her believe it would go anywhere.”

“Because it was just sex?”

“Yes, and I know that makes me a pig. Or an arse, or both, or whatever. But I never lead her on. She was always the one chasing me.”

John gave him a look in response. “You’re right. You really are an arse.”

Roger’s hands tightened against John’s shirt as he sighed.

“Look, I feel bad for the girl, I do. I know I could have handled the situation better. But how many times do I need to say it? Lucy, Callum, and anyone else I’ve been with, were all just distractions from my pathetic attempt to get over you.”

“So you say.”

Roger’s expression changed in response.

“Is this your way of trying to get rid of me? On my birthday of all days? You hoping to palm me back off to Lucy so that you don’t feel so guilty—”

“—What? Shut up you idiot, of course it’s not.”

Roger exhaled sharply in response, his hands still partly fisted against John’s t-shirt. “Then please help me to understand where this is all coming from.”

John bit his lip, his expression hardening as he quickly looked away. “I just…don’t know how to fix it.”

Roger’s eyebrows furrowed in response. “Fix what?”

“ _This_! Maybe you weren’t together for that long, but you didn’t see how upset she was! And I feel like it’s all my fault. For brushing it under the carpet in the hope that this whole… _mess_ would resolve itself. But it hasn’t. She’s still not over you, and now she probably hates me too, and I just…I don’t know how to make any of this right, Roger!”

“Hey—hey—hey! John, _listen_!” Roger tried to interject.

Eventually, John grew quiet. He bit his lip to stop it from shaking and tried to focus on the way Roger had started to play with his hair. I brought with it some sort of comfort.

“Look, I get that you want to help. Because that’s the kind of person you are. You care so much, and I love that about you,” Roger said softly. “But none of this is your fault. You kept it from her because you were just trying to be a good friend. So yeah, maybe Lucy will hate you for a bit. But she’ll get over it. She’ll realise you had good intentions all along. In time.”

John gave a small nod in response.

“Then she’ll inevitably go back to hating me and the world will have righted itself once more.”

John rolled his eyes at the grin on Roger’s face. “You’re an idiot.”

“Yeah, I am. Your idiot though, right?” Roger said cheerfully. “Luckily, I make it up to you by being an incredibly thoughtful boyfriend.”

“Hmm, I suppose I should give you that.”

Roger grinned before leaning in to give John a quick kiss. “Right, come on. You said it yourself earlier. No wallowing allowed today. That works both ways.”

John pretended to sigh dramatically in response. “Fine. What else did you have in mind then?”

Roger’s raised an eyebrow, a cheeky smile on his face. “Now there’s a loaded question if ever I heard one, Deacy.”

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy hell! WHAT A CHAPTER! Lol. Hope you enjoyed that! I certainly enjoyed writing haha. Let me know your thoughts, dislikes, likes about the chapter. I want to hear them all! Thank you for your wonderful reviews so far! I love reading them, and they make me so happy! Especially as the UK are back in lockdown again, it gives me something to enjoy looking at tbh. Hope you're all keeping well and safe out there! SO PLEASED that Biden won presidency, and other than the fact that everyone should be allowed their own opinion, that's all I'll say about the matter.
> 
> ALSO. It is now official. I have a girlfriend! EEK! I think I mentioned in the last chapter that Bee/Beth asked me to be her girlfriend, well now it is facebook official and I couldn't be more happy. She's honestly so sweet and kind, and I love being with her, and that's what I'm holding onto right now, because nobody knows what the future might bring!
> 
> Anyway, really hoped you enjoyed the chapter! Sending kind thoughts to you all. <3


	28. We Can Make It Tonight...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ROGER'S POV
> 
> Flashback to his perspective on meeting John for the first time all those years ago. Meanwhile, in the present, Roger receives some exciting news which he's anxious to share with John...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATING FOR: Homophobic language, swearing, and slightly sexual dialogue.

_Roger heaved a long sigh as he made his way out of the main building. He’d only been there three months, and he hated it already._

_New school, new life._

_At least that had been the plan. His Mum’s plan._

_He caught something dark in the corner of his eye. He turned his head to look._

_It was a boy, propped up against the wall. He was practically curled into himself and seemed so small. He was wearing the same uniform, which Roger noticed hung off of him too. His Mum kept promising that he’d grow into his in no time, but Roger wasn’t sure. He’d always been slenderer than others in his class._

_The boy had very short, dark hair which framed his pale face._

_Roger’s gaze lingered on his deep-set eyes, his wide nose, and his thin lips which wobbled a little as he stared down at his feet. Then they came to rest on his scuffed hands, which were shaking atop of his knees. He noticed the grazes lining his knuckles too._

_There was something delicate about him. Something almost…pretty._

_Roger cleared his throat, setting aside that thought quickly as he stepped forwards quietly, not wanting to startle him. He had the urge to help the boy, to make sure he was alright. He wasn’t sure why that was._

_“Need a hand?”_

_The boy jolted in alarm, quickly looking up at Roger with wide eyes._

_Roger held his breath for a moment._

_He was even prettier up-close. With his soft features and green eyes that seemed to sparkle under the light of the sun._

_At home, Roger had posters of various bands and singers. Jimi Hendrix, David Bowie, Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, Blondie, Led Zeppelin, and T-Rex, to name just a few. People who inspired him. People who were sometimes a little different but didn’t try to hide that fact._

_He liked that. His Dad hadn’t._

_He remembered coming home and seeing that his Dad had torn the posters down out of malice._

_(“Grow up Roger!” His Dad had said when he found Roger crying on the floor, cradling the tattered pieces in his hands. “Why the fuck would you like to be like those people anyway? Weirdos, the lot of them! Probably fags too. Maybe that’s why you like them so much, huh? It’d explain a lot.”_

_It was pointless getting into an argument. His Dad spent most of his time drunk, and it only ever ended up with Roger getting a beating for his troubles._

_Instead, his Mum waited until they’d moved away to replace Roger’s posters, just like she promised she would._

_Roger raised his eyebrows in question when the boy didn’t reply straight away. Perhaps he hadn’t heard him. But then he nodded, and Roger held out a hand with a smile. He hoped the boy didn’t notice how clammy his skin was._

_“You new?”_

_The boy paused for thought, his gaze trailing over Roger’s features as he pulled away to wipe himself down. Then he cleared his throat, his cheeks slightly pink._

_“That obvious?”_

_“A bit.”_

_Roger smiled a little as the boy seemed to grow embarrassed._

_They’d only just met. But there was something trustworthy about the boy. Something that automatically put Roger at ease in a way that nobody else had._

_“Come on. We should make sure your hands don’t get infected.”_

_They headed into the boy’s toilets. Only then did Roger reach for his hands. He began to softly dab a wet paper towel against the scabs on his knuckles._

_“I’m Roger, by the way. Roger Taylor.”_

_“I’m John. John Deacon.”_

_He looked like a John. It suited him; Roger decided._

_“Nice to meet you, John.”_

_Roger was careful, trying to focus on cleaning his grazes. But John would flex his fingers every so often, or their gaze would meet, and Roger would lose his concentration. He kept thinking about how soft and warm John’s skin was. How nice it felt to have his hand against his._

_Perhaps it was because Roger wasn’t used to it. His Mum didn’t really do hugging, not recently anyway. His Dad had only touched him when he was violent. And his sister had grown shier since they’d moved away. Like Roger, she rarely seemed to let anyone close either._

_John gave a sudden shiver, and Roger’s eyes widened in response, hoping he hadn’t somehow been able to read his thoughts, or god forbid Roger had hurt him._

_“Sorry, I’m trying to be gentle—”_

_“—No, no, it’s fine. ‘Feels nice.”_

_Roger paused in surprise, his hold on John’s hands tightening a little._

_John stared back; his gaze seemingly glued to Roger’s face._

_And then the bathroom door suddenly flung open._

_“We’ve been looking all over, Rog! Where you been man?”_

_Roger jumped apart from John immediately, feeling very much like he’d been caught in the act. He couldn’t let that happen, not again. Instead, he put as much distance between himself and John as the bathroom would allow and hoped his face didn’t give away any of his shame._

_“S-steven. I thought you’d all gone home.”_

_He swallowed thickly when he noticed the way Steven was looking at John, his nose crinkled with disgust._

_“Nah, I had detention, didn’t I? The others decided to wait around instead. Is this your new **friend**?”_

_The way he said it made Roger’s skin prickle with fear._

_“What, no! We ran into each other, that’s all.”_

_“Sure? Because he’s a freak. Did Jamie not tell you what he did at lunch? This one was watching him whilst he was getting changed.”_

_Roger saw John’s gaze drop to the floor in the corner of his eyes. He forced himself not to turn and look._

_“He…he didn’t tell me, no—”_

_“—Well, now you know. Don’t tell me you secretly like him? Is this your way of coming out the closet, Rog—”_

_“—No way! You know I can’t stand anyone like that!”_

_Roger couldn’t run the risk of anyone thinking that way about him. Not at this school. They’d moved away for a reason. To escape his father, to start again afresh. This was Roger’s chance to put the past behind him._

_Steven smirked in response, the others remaining quiet behind him. Just like they always did. “Good. Let’s leave him to it then. Wouldn’t watch to catch anything.”_

_Roger took a shaky breath and forced his feet forwards. He almost hesitated when he got the bathroom door. Almost looked back at John. But instead, he put one foot in front of the other and reminded himself why he was doing this._

_Because he needed friends. Because he needed to be normal, for once in his life. Or to at least, pretend to be. That way, he couldn’t be hurt. Not ever again._

-o-

Roger felt as if he was practically buzzing with excitement, capable of spitting fire as he headed to go and meet John from work.

He was starting to get funny looks from strangers in the street.

Though it probably didn’t help that Roger was offering up pleasant smiles and a polite _good afternoon_ in passing.

He skipped through the front door of _The Alchemist_ , determined not to let anything or anyone ruin his good mood.

John gave him a quizzical look from over the bar, where he was pouring a glass of coke. “Alright?”

“I am now I’ve seen your beautiful face, angel,” Roger winked as he lifted his sunglasses to rest atop of his head.

John shook his head in response, though his face grew a little pinker.

“What’s got you so cheerful?”

“No reason. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and I’ve got the most wonderful and gorgeous boyfriend in the world. Why wouldn’t I be in a good mood?”

“You big softie, you.”

“What can I say baby? You bring it out of me.”

“ _Jesus_ , you are on form,” John pretended to grumble as he finished pouring the drink. He gave Roger a coy smile as he tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. “Let me finish serving this table their drinks and I’ll be right back. Then you can tell me the real reason as to what’s got you in such a good mood.”

“Sounds like a plan, Deacy.”

Roger watched him walk away with a smile.

He still felt as if he was on cloud nine. It was all too good to be true.

Everything in his life was going right for a change. For the first time ever, he felt genuinely excited at what the future might hold.

He felt his phone vibrate in the back pocket of his jeans. He quickly fished it out, seeing that he already had messages from Mitch, Adam and George on the band’s WhatsApp.

_~Mitch_

_Dude, I still can’t fucking believe it!! We’re literally on the verge of becoming rock stars!_

_~Adam_

_I know!! Seems 2 good 2 b true! I feel like pinching myself!_

_~George_

_Hell yeah we are! Congrats again @RogerMeddowsTaylor on getting that job btw! Double celebration 4 sure!_

_~Mitch_

_Oh yeah, congrats man! We should arrange a night out to celebrate!_

_~Adam_

_Sounds good 2 me!_

_~Roger_

_Thanks guys! Yeah, I’m up for that! Mind if I invite Deacy? Let me know when you’re all free—_

“Back again are we? You really have got it bad.”

He was halfway through writing a reply when he was interrupted. He barely managed to hold back a sigh as he reluctantly looked up to see Lucy stood by his side, a menu in her hand.

“Lucy. Pleasure as always.”

“I’d like to say the same, but…I’d be lying.”

“Fair does.”

“So, is that it now?”

Roger put aside his phone and turned to face her. He raised an eyebrow in question. “Is what _it_?”

“You. Deciding that you’re suddenly gay. Just seems a bit weird given that you definitely didn’t seem that way inclined when we were together.”

Roger was tempted to point out that that was probably due to her doing most of the chasing. At the very least, it would have wiped the smirk off her face. But it was also highly likely that it would have also earned him a slap, and rightly so. Instead, he said; “I’m actually bisexual. Which means I happen to like both men and women. And it’s not something that’s suddenly been decided. I just felt like I hadn’t had the opportunity to come out before.”

“Right. Well it’s just a shame you couldn’t have chosen your moment before you decided to fuck me over.”

 _Trust me sweetheart, that wouldn’t have made a blind bit of difference_ , Roger thought as he rolled his eyes towards the ceiling and back.

“Listen, I’m sorry you feel like I’ve done that. However, I have already apologised for being a knob. If it makes you feel any better, you’ve probably had a lucky escape. But making John’s life hell at work in retaliation? Not cool.”

She openly gaped at him as she folded her arms across her chest. “ _Excuse me_? How have I been doing that exactly? I’m barely even talking to him!”

“Exactly! And when you are forced to be civil, you’re making passive-aggressive comments.”

Roger hadn’t exactly intended to bring the matter up. He knew by doing so, it had the potential to drop John in it, and inevitably Brian too, given that he was the one to mention it. But the more that Roger noticed it himself, the more it bothered him. Especially when he could see how much it was beginning to upset John too.

“Well you can tell your precious _boyfriend_ that if he has such a problem about the way I treat him, then he need to grow some balls and come and talk to me about it, instead of moaning to you. He’s an absolute coward!”

“Actually, John’s not said anything. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. And stop accusing him of being a bloody coward because he isn’t! The only reason why he wasn’t honest with you about me and him being together from the start was because he was trying to save your feelings. He was being a good friend, not that he’s been getting much appreciation for it.”

She shook her head in response, her eyes narrowed. “He needn’t have bothered. You can tell him that too. Because I am so _over_ you.”

“Brilliant news! In that case, perhaps you can stop blaming John for merely trying to be a decent human being and go back to hating me instead.”

“Yeah, I think I can just about manage that,” she virtually hissed with another shake of her head before she walked away.

“Perfect! Problem solved!”

Despite his earlier positivity, Roger knew he’d let his temper get the better of him, and he was quickly regretting it. But he couldn’t seem to help himself, especially when it came to John. He finally gave a sigh as he turned back to the bar. He felt his stomach twist guiltily as he watched John head over, his gaze flickering between him and Lucy.

“What was all that about?”

Roger gave an over the top smile as he collected his phone from the bar. He justified there was no point dwelling on it any further. He’d had his say. Now, it was up to Lucy whether she took his advice and made things right with John again…or not.

“Nothing. Don’t worry, it’s over and done with.”

John frowned in response. “Roger—”

“—Deacy, it’s sorted… _ish_ ,” he added sheepishly. “Anyway, you ready to go? I’ll tell you all about my day when we’re back at yours.”

John gave a small nod, his gaze still trailing over Roger’s face curiously. “Yeah, just let me go and grab my bag.”

It was still incredibly warm when they headed back outside. They took a leisurely stroll through Hyde Park, past couples sunbathing on the grass, families having picnics, and people out for a jog or cycle.

Roger squeezed John’s hand softly, whilst he listened to John talking about the extra-curricular classes he’d elected to do over the summer.

“You’re honestly mad, Deacs. Even Brian’s having some sort of break from university. Although, given the choice, he’d probably prefer to be studying. I don’t think Fred would be too pleased though. He’s already on at him for making more time to plan the wedding.”

“So I heard. You’d think they had an endless budget, the way Freddie’s going on about it.”

“God, can you imagine if they did?” Roger laughed. Then he cleared his throat, and in his best imitation of Freddie said; “ _Darling, I want the whole day to be fabulous! I’m talking gold plates, diamante cufflinks, the lot!_ ”

“ _Gold plates and diamante cufflinks_ are the best you could come up with?” John teased. “Knowing him, he’d probably go all out and have a full-scale orchestra, crystal sculptures, a full-length red carpet, and elaborate floral decorations everywhere you turned, if he thought he could get away with it. And that’s just for starters.”

Roger gave a fond chuckle in response. “Yeah, I can imagine Freddie would love a big, extravagant wedding. Brian on the other hand…”

“Not so much,” John agreed with a smile. “Anyway, I’m only doing these extra classes every two weeks. It practically promises me a first. But that’s only if I carry on studying as hard as I have been.”

“Which of course, you will. Because you bloody love your degree. It’s why I much prefer spending time at yours. You seem to spend more time fiddling with that bloody television of ours, than watching it with me. Or fiddling with anything else for that matter.”

John rolled his eyes at Roger’s grin and cheeky innuendo in response.

“That’s because it’s bloody infuriating! The picture quality is shit. And your speakers drive me up the wall! They’re supposed to be surround sound, and yet, you can barely hear them.”

“Well, it won’t be long before I move in with you, then you won’t have to put up with our crappy television any longer babe.”

“I guess,” John sighed. “However, if you were to let me play about with the speakers, I doubt it’d be that hard to figure out how to boost the volume so that—”

“—Nuh uh, I told you, it’s a lovely thought, but we’ve had enough complaints from our poxy neighbours, without adding fuel to the fire.”

John frowned in response. “Fine, I’ll wave the metaphorical white flag, I guess. Anyway, we’re almost at mine, so…tell me about your day.”

“Well, first thing’s first, I got a job.”

“Really? Congratulations, that’s brilliant! Where at?”

Roger hummed as they crossed the road, as John pulled away to grab his keys. “Just at that new restaurant near Channing Cross. But it’s quite fancy, so I’m hoping it’ll bag me some decent tips.”

“Thinking ahead, I like it,” John smiled as he pressed his key into the lock and opened the door.

“I can’t start for four weeks, but they’re prepared to be lenient, and it’s flexible hours so it won’t interfere with the band, or with my degree.”

John frowned in response as he took off his shoes and backpack, and Roger followed him inside.

“Okay, but why can’t you start for four weeks?”

“Well,” Roger smiled as he kicked off his own shoes. “That brings me to my other piece of news.”

“Which is?”

“Do you remember me telling you about that band coming to see our gig the other week? And how we’ve been in talks with their manager for ages about not only him managing us too, but for us to go and support them in a nationwide tour?”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“Well, not only has that all been agreed. But one of the record companies we’ve been wanting to sign with, got around to listening to our demo album and wants to release it officially.”

John turned back in surprise as they headed into the kitchen, his eyes growing wide in response. “Oh erm… _wow_! Roger, that’s amazing!”

Roger hummed cheerfully as he went to grab a glass from the cupboard. “I know! Now you can appreciate why I’m so chuffed.”

“Definitely! God, you must be so excited. I mean, this is what you’ve always wanted.”

“I don’t think it’s sunk in properly yet. The lads want to go out and celebrate before we leave in two weeks. It’s only for a month, which means I’ll be back in time for classes too.”

John smiled as he watched Roger fill his glass with water, leaned against a kitchen counter. “Well that’s handy.”

“Certainly is. Only downside is I’m not going to be around for your birthday.”

“It doesn’t matter,” John said immediately. “We can do something beforehand. Maybe have a meal out or go to the cinema. The important thing is that you’re finally getting noticed. You all deserve this. The band’s good, really good.”

“Thanks Deacs,” Roger practically preened in response. He took a sip of his water and set the glass down again, a thoughtful expression on his face as he gazed at John. “God, I’m gonna’ miss you though. A whole month without seeing you.”

John gave a one-shouldered shrug. “It’ll fly by. But yeah, it goes without saying that I’ll miss you too.”

Roger responded by stepping over to his side and placing his arms around his neck. He kissed him long and slow, reluctant to pull away. Eventually, he did, but only far enough to dip his head and rest his head against John’s shoulder. “I do love you. And I love how supportive you are, about everything. It means the world to me, John.”

“I know it does. I love you too.” John said softly, his hand warm against Roger’s lower back.

Roger pulled away to smile at him. “At least we can facetime. And there’s always phone sex. A month is a hell of a long time to go without after all.”

John snorted in response, amusement in his eyes. “Probably the longest you’ve gone without.”

“You cheeky git!” Roger said with narrowed eyed. “Here’s me, trying to be all sweet by telling you how much I’m going to miss you, and then you have to go and—”

“—God, I’m winding you up!” John grinned, pulling him back to him by the beltloops. He gave him an apologetic kiss in response. “All joking aside, I’ll miss all of that too. Of course I will. I love that we spend so much time together, and it’s going to be weird, you not being here. But like I said, it’s only a month, and it’ll fly by. And I’ll be here waiting when you get back. I promise.”

Roger’s expression immediately softened in response as he leaned in to kiss him again. “Good.”

-o-

Roger watched John finish folding away his last pair of jeans with a smile. “Thanks for that babe! Although, you didn’t have to sort my case for me, you know. I would have done it last minute. I pack better under pressure anyway.”

“This, coming from the guy who can’t even be arsed to make his own bed.”

“Yeah well, what’s the point? It’s only going to get messy again.”

“That right there is exactly why I wanted to help you pack. _Structure_ isn’t exactly a word in your vocabulary.”

“Ouch, that’s very hurtful,” Roger sighed woefully as he watched John zip up his case. “It’s true. But it’s still hurtful.”

“Well at least you’re not denying your flaws. That’s progress.”

Roger put his hands on his hips in response. “Have you quite finished?”

“Just about.”

“Good.”

With that, Roger tugged him closer with a smile. He kissed him firmly, pressing his tongue against his, his hands in his hair.

He loved being able to do this. Being so close to John, kissing him, touching him, just being with him. He was going to miss him more than he’d ever missed anyone before, he was sure of it.

By the time he pulled away, he felt just a little dazed, and his voice was slightly husky as he gazed back at John.

“So erm…how long did you say we had until Mikey picked me up again?”

John smiled in response. “Not nearly enough time, trust me.”

“Wanna bet? I can be stripped and ready to go in under five minutes. And with your fine arse bouncing on my cock, I doubt it would take me very long to come either.”

“Such a romantic,” John teased with a roll of his eyes. “But there’s still not enough time. Fred and Brian will be downstairs in a minute.”

“Damn it,” Roger groaned. “I always knew that poodle haired giant would be my downfall someday.”

John laughed in response, lightly smacking his shoulder. “Don’t be an arse. You should think yourself lucky you’ve got people who want to see you off.”

“I do. Of course I do. But I’d much rather have you see me off,” Roger admitted without any trace of guilt. “Preferably with your mouth wrapped around my co—”

“—Let me stop you right there,” John said with an amused grin as he grabbed Roger’s suitcase off of the bed. “God, you’re in insatiable. We only had sex this morning.”

“Yeah well, whose fault is that? I was never this prolific with anyone else. Clearly, you’re so damn good, I can’t get enough of you sweetheart.”

John scoffed in response, though his cheeks were slightly pinker. “Or you’re just sex obsessed.”

Roger enjoyed John’s little squeak of surprise as he tapped his bum on their way out from the bedroom. “Definitely when it’s with you babe.”

John gave him a look over his shoulder. “When is it not with me?”

“Oh, you know what I mean! Now who’s being an arse!”

“I’m pretty sure it’s still you,” John teased.

By the time they got to the end of the drive, Brian and Freddie were already there to meet them.

“You all set then?” Brian asked softly.

“Yeah, yeah, I think so. Mostly thanks to John, I’ll be honest. He did the majority of packing.”

“Given how disorganised we all know you are, that can only be a good thing.”

“Don’t you start! I’ve had all this from John too! I’m not that bad!”

Brian grinned in response. “Trust me, I’ve lived with you for four years, and I think I’ve only seen you clean your room a handful of times, and that was usually when you were at least hoping to get laid.”

John raised an eyebrow and gave Roger a kind of _told you so_ look.

The van pulled up in under ten minutes. Mikey got out and helped Roger put his things into the back, and then got back in to give him a chance to say goodbye.

Roger turned to hug Brian. “Right well, see you in a month mate.”

“Yeah definitely, I’ll be here. Good luck. Not that you need it. You’ll be great, I know you will.”

“Cheers Brian. For everything.”

“I’ve told you before, you don’t need to thank me. What are mates for.”

Roger smiled in response as he turned to say goodbye to Freddie. “Guess I’ll see you when I get back.”

“If I have to, dearie,” Freddie teased.

“Look, erm…” Roger said, clearing his throat nervously. “I erm…I just wanted to say thanks before I go. For giving me a chance, for John’s sake. I do appreciate it. And I’m glad we could…well, you know, at the very least be civil. You’re important to John which means your important to me too.”

“Yes, yes, don’t think saying all this nice stuff gets you out of working at the stall when you get back. Makes no difference to me if you’re a famous rock star or not darling, nothing gets you out of that early Sunday shift.”

“What, and miss out on working with Freddie Mercury for the rest of my life? I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Right answer, blondie.”

Roger’s laughter at the glint in Freddie’s eyes died in his throat the minute that he turned to look at John. His chest tightened considerably at the thought of leaving him behind.

God, he was beyond amazing. He was kind, honest, beautiful and lovely. He was more than Roger ever deserved, and he truly believed that he loved him more than anybody was capable of loving another person.

He wanted to spend the rest of his life with John, he knew that now.

John with his grey, sparkling eyes and gap-toothed smile.

John, who woke him up with a kiss and a coffee in the morning. John, who held him in his arms and whispered soothing words into his ear whenever Roger had a bad dream. John, who Roger had grown accustomed to snuggling around in sleep. John, who Roger loved and adored and idolised, and would have done anything for.

He’d give him the world if he could.

And now, Roger wasn’t going to see him for a whole month.

John raised an eyebrow in question as Roger continued to stare at him. Then he let out a noise of surprise as Roger launched himself into his arms and hid his face against the crook of John’s shoulder, breathing in his scent one last time whilst he still could.

John sighed in response, his arms tightening around his waist, as he dropped his face to press his lips against his skin.

“It’s only a month,” John said thickly.

“I know, it’s just…it’ll be the shittiest month not having you there.”

“Doubtful,” John scoffed. “You’ll be too busy having fun to notice I’m not there. You’ll be out partying all night, drinking, and doing hardcore drugs before you know it. Living the ultimate life of a rock and roll star. You’ll forget my name by next week.”

“As if I could forget you, Deacy!” Roger argued fiercely. He leaned back enough to gaze at John fondly with his hands cradled against John’s face. “You’re irreplaceable to me, baby. Besides, I love you too much to let you go now. Not after all we’ve been through.”

John smiled in response, tugging on Roger’s hand enough to kiss the back of it. “Good. Love you too. More than anything.”

Vaguely, they head Brian grumble a quiet _ow_.

“Well,” Freddie sniffed. “Why don’t you ever say nice shit like that to me anymore? You need to step your game up, May!”

Roger laughed in response, looking over his shoulder to see Freddie narrowing his eyes at Brian. Then he turned back with a sigh.

“I suppose I’d better go. But we’ll talk all the time. And I definitely won’t forget the promise of phone sex either—”

“—Trust me, neither will I,” John said huskily, drawing Roger back in for one last kiss.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Hope you all enjoyed the chapter! I'm very nearly getting to the end now and that makes me very sad! :( I'll probably write a couple of one-shots relating to this fanfiction before we get there, so hopefully you'll all be interested in that! Anyway, let me know your thoughts on the latest development in the fic! Are you happy for Roger? Worried about what might happen now? Or is that just me? Haha!
> 
> Take care darlings, and I'll be back next week for another update! <3


	29. 'Cause It Ain't No Crime...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's POV
> 
> Flashback to the attack which makes John move from school. In the present time, John worries that him and Roger might be growing apart when a surprise visitor pops into the bar...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATING: For homophobic language/swearing, physical assault, and smut.

_John quickly headed back inside. He’d spent an hour jogging around the field, practising for the 400-metre sprint that his teacher had volunteered him for at the sports day in a week’s time. Now, he was a hot, sweaty mess, and was well and truly ready for a shower._

_He smiled to himself as he came across the strip of photos in his wallet. They were taken just yesterday, of him and Lewis. They were finally together, and for the first time in a long time, John was truthfully happy._

_He pulled out his phone to text the man himself._

**_Hey! We still meeting at yours tonight? Can’t wait for it to just be us! :)_ **

****

_Lewis had mentioned that his Mum would be out, having dinner with friends. They’d have the house to themselves, at least for a bit. He grinned when he saw Lewis’s reply._

**_Absolutely! Can’t wait to see you, baby. I love you._**[💖](https://emojis.wiki/valentines-day/) **_Xxx_**

****

_John quickly typed a reply to say that he couldn’t wait either and that he loved him too. It was a relief that he no longer had to hide that fact. It was out there in the open, and things between them were better than ever._

_He sang in the shower. He knew most of the students had already left so he was safe to sing at the top of his lungs._

_Or so he thought._

_He didn’t hear them come in._

_He gasped in surprise as a pair of strong hands grabbed at him, dragging him back from the cover of hot water._

_His bones felt like they were made of lead._

_The panic was so overwhelming that he was powerless to fight back. He was frozen with fear._

_He was dragged straight towards the floor. John winced as the rough porcelain tiles scratched against his face._

_He couldn’t comprehend what was happening. All he could focus on was trying not to hyperventilate, or god forbid, pass out._

_“Roger come on, don’t just fucking stand there!”_

_He felt a heavy weight against the back of his legs, pinching against his skin. Then he grimaced as warm breath fanned against his ear._

_“You’ll wish you’d never came to this school, you dirty little fag!”_

_He recognised Steven’s voice immediately, spoken so menacingly that it sent a chill down John’s spine._

_“We’re going to teach you a lesson you won’t forget in a hurry.”_

_He felt his swimming trunks being tugged past his hips forcefully. John tried to wiggle free from their grasp, but it was futile. There were too many hands pushing him down._

_His frustration ate away at him. He was desperate to get away, desperate to stop them touching him like that._

_“Hang on, this isn’t what we agreed to—”_

_“—Don’t be such a fucking pussy! Do you want to make him suffer or not?”_

_John whimpered as his trunks were dragged further down his legs. He cringed against the tiles, willing for it to stop._

_He was used to getting a beating. Used to the insults that were hurtled his way._

_But this was…beyond anything he’d ever experienced. Being touched like he was against his permission was so vulgar, so horrific. It would scar him for life, he was sure of it._

_“P-please d-don’t! I-I’ll d-do anyth-thing!”_

_“Yeah, I bet you will, you dirty cock-sucker,” Steven laughed menacingly as his hands began to drift between John’s thighs._

_John immediately tensed, squeezing his legs closed as tightly as possible._

_“Just relax and open your legs. You should be used to doing that by now from what we’ve heard.”_

_A lump lodged itself in his throat as Steven’s hands forced his thighs apart, and tears collected in his eyes at the feel of his rough hands against his skin._

_“Wait—”_

_“—Wait?” Steven repeated quietly, his hands remaining locked on John’s thighs. “Why? You suddenly not got the balls for this, Taylor?”_

_John’s exhaled shakily, closing his eyes in embarrassment as more tears rolled down his face. He wanted to disappear. He wanted it to all be over._

_“I just…don’t want to get in trouble. We shouldn’t be doing this, it’s too far—”_

_“—Hardly! Besides. He’ll probably enjoy it. We all know how much he likes taking it up the arse.”_

_He sobbed in pain as Steven tugged on his hair, pushing his face harder against the floor. It stung against his cheeks. John squeezed his eyes closed tighter as he continued to cry quietly._

_“Bet you won’t be so quick to fuck your little boyfriend after this, huh, Deacon?” Steven said maliciously as his hands crept up the inside of his thighs further. John pleaded for him to stop through the haze of his tears, desperately trying to squirm away from his touch._

_He’d give anything to stop it from happening._

_“Right, that’s—”_

_“—What the hell is going on?”_

_The PE teacher’s—Mr Tomson’s—voice was the only thing that seemed effective enough to stop it happening. They sprung away from John immediately, leaving him sprawled on the floor._

_John lifted himself a little on shaking legs, only enough that he could pull his trunks back up. Then he shuffled into the corner of the room, curling his legs up to his chest._

_He raised his gaze enough to catch sight of Roger stood in the corner of the room. Just for a moment._

_“N-n-n-nothing! It’s not what it looks like sir, John was winding us up! We were just fighting, that’s all—”_

_“—That’s quite enough Mr Andrews!” Mr Tomson shouted over the top of him. “You’ll each have a chance to have a say when you’re in the headmaster’s office. Now, I want everyone apart from Mr Deacon out of here now.”_

_“But sir—”_

_“—Enough!”_

_They seemed to take forever to leave._

_He avoided their gaze as he continued to shake, the cuts on his face stinging from the tracks of his tears._

_Mr Tomson knelt in front of him, worry in his eyes. John was grateful he carefully avoided touching him. He’d bore witness to the bullying John had faced over the years. He was one of the few to fight his corner._

_“Right, now that they’re gone, I want you to look me in the eyes and be honest about what really happened, Mr Deacon. You’re not in trouble, I promise.”_

_He felt dirty and ashamed. What he really wanted more than anything was another shower. He wanted to scrub his skin raw to get rid of the feeling of their hands on his skin._

_Not that that would have ever been enough._

_He could still smell the stench of sweat and cigarettes radiating from Steven, the sound of their cruel laughter and the way their hands had forcefully held him down._

_Mr Tomson’s words should have been enough to comfort him. Instead, John was in a state of shock, uncapable of comprehend anything._

_He slouched forwards, burying his face against his legs as he became overwhelmed by it all._

_Things could have been worst, he knew that. They’d been stopped before it had got too far. That still didn’t make it easier, knowing the intention was there._

_John didn’t know if he could take much more._

_In that moment, a part of himself wished he was dead. At least then he’d be free. At least, he wouldn’t have to put up with their reign of terror any longer._

_-o-_

_John remained quiet as the nurse examined the cuts to his face._

_His Mum had arrived five minutes before. She’d stayed at his side, squeezing his hand reassuringly as the nurse applied the antiseptic cream and covered each cut with an adhesive bandage. He’d nodded as the nurse told him he would need to change the bandage daily and to keep it clean. Then she excused herself to go and grab some spare bandages for him to take home._

_His Mum waited until the nurse shut the door before she said anything. “So come on, what happened?”_

_John sniffed quietly in response. His voice was hollow when he replied, and he sounded slightly gruffly from where he’d spent so long saying nothing._

_“Nothing. S’Just a fight, that was all.”_

_“John, how stupid do you think I am? I know those bullies had something to do with this. Them lot haven’t left you alone from the moment you started at this bloody school. The teachers have been utterly useless too. Well, that’s it. Enough is enough now.”_

_He finally looked at her, catching the stubborn look in her eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean? What are you going to do?”_

_“I’ve already had a word with the headmaster. It’s been agreed that I pull you out of school. At least for now—”_

_“—But I’ve still got my exams!”_

_“I know, but I haven’t got another choice, sweetheart! Those boys have made your life hell for too long, and I refuse to stand by and do nothing any longer. At least it would stop them from hurting you anymore.”_

_John felt torn at her words._

_He needed to get away. He was genuinely terrified about what they might do next. At least if he did end up leaving school, he wouldn’t have to see them again._

_But he was also worried about what the implications could be. Would they eventually have to move somewhere new again? His skin prickled with anxiety at the thought of going through the routine of starting over once more._

_There was also the question of where that left John and Lewis?_

_What would happen if he told the truth about today? Would it be taken further? Would John be forced to talk about what had happened? Relieve it over and over again._

_His head hurt, his mind whirring on. He felt clammy all over. His breathing was shallow, and the room spun as he suddenly tasted bile in his throat._

_“I…I’m gonna’ be sick,” he gasped out, only just managing to reach for the bowl next to the bed in time._

_-o-_

_In the end, he chose to lie. Pretend it had been a fight. It was easier that way, for everybody involved._

_Taking it further would likely mean getting them all into trouble. Letting Steven drag them down with him._

_John had seen Roger’s face that day. Pale and terrified, his eyes wide with shock. Heard the shake in his voice when he’d tried to speak up against them. For some reason, John had the urge to protect him. Despite everything. He couldn’t explain why._

_Unfortunately for him, his Mum could see right through him._

_It didn’t matter. John knew he’d done the right thing when he’d left the school that day. He wouldn’t have to go back again unless he chose to._

_That didn’t make dealing with it any easier._

_He was convinced he was going mad. He’d wake screaming, reliving it in his head daily. He was scared if he didn’t get help, he really would go insane._

_His Mum held onto him tighter after yet another nightmare, his pyjamas clinging to his sweaty skin._

_“We’ll get you help, sweetheart. I promise. You’re going to be okay.”_

_He could only sniffle in response, desperately hoping she was right._

_-o-_

Despite promising Roger that his month away would fly by, it felt the polar opposite to John.

He threw himself into work and university as much as possible. He’d even written more songs. He tried to cling to anything that had the potential to distract him.

What was worst was that they’d barely spoken.

Minus the brief phone calls, occasional videocalls in the middle of the night, and the rushed text messages assuring John that Roger did in fact miss him just as much.

It was just so _hard_. Much more so than John thought it would be.

They might not have been together that long, but they’d spent the first two months of their relationship being so wrapped up in each other that John was no longer used to Roger not being there.

He missed everything about him. His loud laughter, curling around him of a night, his silly smile, and the warmth he radiated when they were snuggling on the sofa.

 _Christ_ , he even missed his chaotic energy and his constant clutter littered about the flat. It was almost too tidy now. The wardrobe was half empty, there were no shoes kicked about in the hallway, and the bed had been made every day.

It felt like a shell of a home without having Roger to share it with him. 

It was drawing closer to exactly one month since Roger had been away. John hadn’t heard from him in a couple of days. So, he decided to text him again.

_Hey Rog, hope you’re okay and that the tour’s still going well. I’m missing you like crazy. Work is fairly quiet. I was just wondering if you’ll be back by Friday like planned? I thought we could have a cosy night in. Don’t worry, I’ll cook. ;) Love you!_ [💖](https://emojis.wiki/valentines-day/) [💖](https://emojis.wiki/valentines-day/) [💖](https://emojis.wiki/valentines-day/)

He sent it before he could talk himself out of it. He just hoped that he didn’t sound too desperate to see him. Last thing he wanted was to come off as clingy. Especially not when Roger was out there, practically seeing the world. Well, the rest of the United Kingdom anyway. But it was inevitable that the world would be next. In John’s opinion, it was just a matter of time before he got more interest.

Roger had the whole package. He was drop-dead gorgeous, a wicked drummer, and he had the voice of an angel. Nothing about being in a band and playing live phased him like it would have done with John. Roger was born to be a star.

John stuffed his phone into the back pocket of his jeans again and tried to put his insecurities out of his mind as he went to go and serve the next customer.

By the time he’d finished taking the orders for their mains, he had a text waiting for him.

_Hey gorgeous! I’m not sure tbh. I’ll let you know for definite nearer the time. Thanks! The tour’s gone well. I’d better go, we’re on in five. Maybe talk later if you’re still awake by the time I get back to the hotel, yeah? X_

A sense of dread welled up inside of John as he re-read the text.

The most likely scenario was that Roger really had just sent that text in a rush, and John was just being silly and paranoid. Even still, he hadn’t said that he loved him back. Did that mean something? Was John about to be dumped?

He pushed his hair back from his face with a sigh and decided he’d stew about that at home. Away from work. Away from Freddie’s knowing eyes, staring at him from over the bar.

“What’s got you in a tizz, Deacy? Tell uncle Freddie all about it.”

“I’m fine.”

Freddie shut his laptop closed in front of him with a raised brow. “Yea, you sound perfectly fine. Come and sit with me. It’s not like this place is crawling with people tonight.”

“Well it is a Sunday.”

“Exactly. Make the most of it, I say. Leave all that. Come on. Talk to me.”

“Freddie, I _can’t_ ,” John said between gritted teeth, as he loaded the dishwasher slightly more aggressively than necessary. “I’ve got glasses to put away and tables to clean. I can’t afford to be seen stood around doing nothing. The manager is already on about cutting peoples hours.”

“John sweetie, you can only do so much when it’s this quiet and besides, no offence, but you’re loading that dishwasher a little…abrasively, and I’m slightly concerned that you’ll scare away the few customers you have left.”

John looked up to see that there were less customers than before. It left a couple, a family of five, and a few people sat on their own.

At this rate, he really would have his hours cut. That was all he needed.

He banged the dishwasher door shut and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration as Freddie reminded him to do his breathing exercises and count to ten.

“You’re supposed to count down _from_ ten!” John said in frustration.

“Same thing! Now come on…one…two…three…”

By the time that John had gotten to ten, he had to admit to feeling slightly calmer. But just as worried about the whole thing.

Freddie could often read him like a book. Although in this case, perhaps that was a good thing.

“Right, first thing’s first,” Freddie said softly as John moved to sit beside him at the bar. “They are not going to cut your hours. You and Brian practically run this place single handed. If anything, they should be giving you both a pay rise, dearie!”

“I doubt the manager will see it like that given how dead we’ve been lately.”

“No, but he must see how hard you’ve been working,” Freddie insisted. “Secondly, I get the impression this might have something to do with Roger being away. Am I right?”

“What would give you that idea?”

Freddie looked at him in such a knowing way that John could practically hear him thinking; _darling please, I wasn’t born yesterday_.

“What’s got you so worried? You think he won’t have missed you as much?”

John gave a weak shrug in response, as he stared down at his calluses. “Maybe? It’s a possibility, isn’t it?”

“I doubt that very much. He loves you, John, and anyone with eyes could see that he was just as reluctant to leave. A month apart isn’t going to change any of that.”

“But what if you’re wrong?” John asked as he tapped his hands against his legs, resisting the temptation to raise one just so that he could bite his nails.

“I’m not. I’m never wrong, darling.”

John rolled his eyes in response. “Helpful, Freddie.”

“But I’m not! I bet you any money that he’s in just as much of a rush to get back home to you.”

John huffed uncertainly at his words. “It doesn’t sound that way from his texts.”

“Maybe he’s busy? Maybe he’s secretly struggling too and doesn’t want to dump it all on your shoulders.”

John bit his lip, considering his words for a moment. “I guess.”

But his thoughts still plagued at him.

“I just worry, that’s all. Us getting together all happened fairly quickly. We were in each other’s pockets for days at a time, and when he gets back, we’ll officially be living together. What if this time apart has made him realise that he doesn’t want me after all? Or he’s met someone else, somebody prettier or funnier, or somebody who could make him happier—”

“—Right, hang on a minute. Let’s just take a step back and process everything you’ve just said, shall we?” Freddie said in a calm, sympathetic voice. “So maybe you two have had a bit of—what I like to call—a whirlwind romance, but let’s face it, darling. He was chasing you for months before that too.”

John frowned in response, his hands stilling against his legs. “What’s your point?”

“My point is,” Freddie sighed. “That he’s wanted you for a long time. He’s opened himself up in a way that he doesn’t seem to have done with anybody else, and you two have been through a lot. He’s even surprised me; I’ll be honest dear. When you first got together, I didn’t think it would last two minutes. It seemed inevitable that he’d let you down and end up hurting you. But now, I can admit defeat. Roger’s crazy about you. Which means that he wouldn’t risk it all for the sake of a one-night stand or anything else for that matter. Surely you can’t believe that he would.”

John hesitated. He felt guilty for even considering it. “No…no, of course not. I’m not saying I don’t trust him.”

“Are you sure? Because it doesn’t sound like you do?”

John exhaled sharply, keen to explain himself.

“It’s just been a long month. And I didn’t think I’d find it this hard. It’s probably like I said, we’ve barely been apart, and it feels weird to be so now. I understand that he’s busy, and I’m happy that he’s having such a good time on tour. I just…I just miss him. A lot. Not to mention we’ve barely had any time to talk, or… _you know_ , do anything else.”

John felt heat rise to his face as he spoke, making it obvious what he was talking about.

“Well trust me sweetie, if he’s too busy to have phone sex with you, then he’ll definitely be too busy to have any actual sex with somebody else. I get the impression that given the chance, Roger would drop everything just to be able to talk to you whilst he’s away, let alone anything else.”

John gave a small nod in response. “I guess. You’re right though, I’m probably just being silly.”

Freddie gave him a worried once over. “Look, did you want me to come back to yours tonight? We could have a sleepover, just like old times.”

“I’ll be alright, honestly. Thanks Fred,” John said with a weak smile.

Freddie raised his eyebrows in question. “Sure? I don’t mind. We could crack open a few beers and watch a movie?”

“No, honestly. I’m good. Just need an early night, I think.”

“Okay well if you’re sure,” Freddie said reluctantly as he put his laptop back into his bag and stood to give John a hug. “At the very least, let me know when you get home safe.”

“Of course I will.”

Freddie smiled, pulling on his jacket. “Love you.”

“Love you too, Fred.”

John spent the next couple of hours clearing away the tables and trying to look busy, whilst his last customer saddled out of the door with a cheery _good evening_. He sighed as he loaded up the dishwasher again and was just debating whether to close-up early on the sly. And then—

“Hello stranger.”

He recognised that voice. But he hadn’t heard it in so long, which meant he must surely have been imagining it. He was probably just overtired.

He closed the dishwasher and slowly looked up. His mouth dropped open in shock, his heart automatically racing in his chest.

“Lewis?”

The guy heading inside smiled, letting the front door shut behind him. “Hey John.”

He looked good.

He was wearing a blue chequered shirt, skinny jeans, and a baseball jacket. He seemed taller, or perhaps it was just because he was stood straighter. He walked with confidence, a spring in his step as he headed to the bar. His dark hair was still fairly short, and his soft brown eyes were currently trailing over John slowly.

When John first left Truro, Lewis was all he wanted. But there’d been too much distance between them and eventually, it hurt too much to hold onto him. So, he set him free, in the hope that they could both move on.

Over the years, John often thought about him, wondered what the chances were of meeting again. He’d reminisce. Imagine that they’d find each other again and pick up exactly where they left off.

When he first moved to London, he’d been tempted to look him up. But he resisted. Convinced himself it was easier just to let things be.

John had made a new life, and as far as he knew, Lewis had too.

Then Roger had shown up, and brought all those memories flooding back, including the ones that he’d made with Lewis. To the point that John had had the odd few dreams about him.

John felt like if he blinked for too long, Lewis would disappear again. It all seemed too surreal; the prospect of his best friend being stood in front of him again. Like nothing had changed.

Except everything _had_ changed.

“I thought it was you the other day. Me and my mates from uni were walking back from a pub quiz. Anyway, I couldn’t resist coming in, just to make sure I wasn’t seeing things.”

John inhaled carefully; his gaze still locked on Lewis’s face. It felt like something heavy was pressing against his chest, making it harder to breath. “You erm…you go to university too?”

“Yeah, Kings College. It’s only round the corner. Although, I guess I’m not technically a student anymore,” Lewis said with an impish grin. “I graduated last month. Still feels weird saying that. I was doing a Sports Science degree.”

John nodded in response, still mostly confident that he must have been having some sort of weird hallucination.

“I bet I can guess what you’re studying. Electrical Engineering, by any chance?”

“Yeah, yeah, I am actually.”

“Knew it. You were always fixing stuff up. I remember you took my laptop home to fix once. I was terrified I’d broken it beyond repair and Mum and Dad were going to kill me. You brought it into school a day later, and somehow managed to get it working again. Better than it did before actually.”

John cleared his throat nervously. “I erm…I remember.”

Lewis’s gaze trailed over John’s face curiously before he took a quick look around the bar. “It’s a nice place. How long have you worked here then?”

“I guess about a year. I worked at _Jupiter’s_ for a bit first.”

“Oh yeah, I know _Jupiter’s_. They do two for one shots at the weekend,” Lewis said with a small smile, his gaze fixed on John again. “We usually ended up there after a night out. I’m surprised I haven’t seen you before. What university do you go to again?”

“I don’t think I said. I go to er…Imperial College.”

“Oh nice. That’s not far from here either, is it?”

“No, it’s not.”

John swallowed thickly, still trying to process that it was actually happening.

Lewis smiled, a hint of uncertainty in his eyes. “I don’t suppose you’ve erm…got time for a chat, have you?”

Maybe John should have said no. But then he might never have seen Lewis again. So instead, he found himself nodding immediately. “Yeah I erm…I was just thinking about closing early.”

Lewis’s smile widened in response. “Perfect.”

John occupied himself with locking the front door and cashing up first so that it was all done. He’d lift his head enough to watch Lewis walk around the room discreetly, taking in the picture on the walls. He eventually went to sit down as John grabbed them both a coke from the fridge.

“Cheers,” Lewis said as he passed him a bottle.

John almost stumbled down into his chair as he watched Lewis take a sip.

It seemed too good to be true. Lewis seemed to be thinking the same thing.

Lewis smiled as he put his bottle back down. “I still can’t believe it’s really you. What are the chances? London’s such a big place. But I honestly had no idea that you were…”

He trailed off with a slow shake of his head.

“That you were right under my nose the whole time.”

John swallowed thickly as he wiped at the condensation from his bottle, conscious of the way that Lewis was staring at him. “It seems weird, doesn’t it?”

“Really weird. A good weird though.”

John looked up from under his eyelashes, offering a shy smile as he quickly changed the subject. “So erm…how did you get into studying Sports Science anyway?”

They talked for a while.

Lewis spoke about spending a year at college studying Sports, and then decided that he wanted to become a Physiotherapist much more than a footballer.

“It seemed the right choice. Physiotherapy is so rewarding. You get to help so many people. You should see the transformation they go through after an injury. I feel proud to know that I helped them get back on their feet, you know?” Lewis said with a fond smile. “Anyway, what about you? Please tell me you’re still playing the bass? You were so good.”

They moved on to talking about John. He explained how he’d moved to London from Leicester two years ago, once he’d taken his A-levels at college.

“Christ, you always were a brainbox,” Lewis said, watching John fondly. “I could have done with your help during my exams at college. You used to make the revision look so easy, especially maths and science.”

“I knew enough to get by,” John said uncertainly as he raised his bottle to take a sip uncertainly.

Lewis chuckled a little bit in response. “I see taking compliments is still not your forte.”

John smiled uncertainly. He’d just about made his peace with the fact that he’d probably have never seen Lewis again, and now that he had, he wasn’t sure what to say or do.

“Anyway, you seem happy. I’m glad. You deserve that more than anyone after all that you went through.”

John twirled a strand of hair around his finger nervously. “I am. I guess I managed to put all that behind me.”

“Good, I’m really pleased to hear you say that, John.” Lewis nodded, staring back at him thoughtfully. There was a hint of a smile on his face as he picked up his bottle to take another sip. “So erm…are you seeing anyone? If you don’t mind me asking.”

John hesitated. He was torn.

On the one hand, John wanted Lewis to know about Roger. Everything that happened at school was in the past. What ought to matter most was that he was happy. But John reasoned that Lewis might not have seen it like that. Not when he was the one who witnessed just how bad things got.

However, the thought of lying didn’t sit well with him. It would seem like a betrayal to Roger to not at least mention their relationship.

So he gave a small nod instead. “Yeah, I’ve erm…I’ve been seeing someone for a few months.”

Lewis’s smile tightened just slightly. Then it widened. “That’s…great news, John. Does he go to the same uni?”

“Err…no, but it’s nearby. His friend is engaged to my friend, so there’s that too.”

“Oh, I see. That’s pretty sweet.”

It was now or never…

“You actually erm…you know of him. He went to school with us.”

Lewis stared back in surprise. John barely managed to resist fidgeting under his gaze. Instead, he licked at his lips, finding his mouth suddenly dry.

“Cool. Was he in our year then?”

“Yeah, yeah he was.”

Lewis hummed in response; his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “I’m trying to think of who it might be. What’s his name? It might ring a bell.”

“More than likely,” John mumbled under his breath. “It’s erm…it’s Roger. Roger Taylor.”

It took Lewis a moment longer to work it out. Then his expression changed, as the realisation settled. “Hang on a minute, the same _Roger Taylor_ who was in our class, who bullied you?”

“Well technically he didn’t take part in any of that stuff—”

“—And that somehow makes it better?”

“I’m not saying that. But it wasn’t as black and white as we thought. Only reason he stayed quiet for as long as he did was because he didn’t want any of them knowing that he was bisexual. And can you blame him, after everything they did to me?”

“Yeah I can actually. I never gave a shit about any of that stuff. Neither did you. So why did he? It makes him look like a coward.”

“Don’t call him that. He doesn’t deserve that,” John rushed to say, his tone slightly defensive. “He was scared, there’s a difference. There’s reasons for him being like he was, valid reasons. Ones I don’t feel the need to explain to you. I’m not an idiot. I didn’t make it easy for him to begin with either. He’s proved to me that he’s changed, and he makes me happy. Isn’t that what matters?”

Lewis sighed in response. “I guess. I know you’re not an idiot, John. You’re incredibly smart, in fact. And I believe you wouldn’t have jumped into a relationship with him lightly. I just…can’t get my head around it. You and him being together.”

“Well, you don’t need to. It’s got nothing to do with you.”

Lewis looked slightly taken aback by his tone, so John sat straighter, dropping his gaze a little guiltily.

“Look, he’s been to therapy too. As I say, there’s stuff you don’t know. Personal stuff that he’s had to deal with. Things got pretty dark for him after I left school. If I had even the slightest doubt that he wasn’t worth it, I wouldn’t have bothered. I wouldn’t have hesitated turning my back on him.”

Lewis nodded; his expression careful. “No, I know. I do. You know your own mind, John. It’s something I’ve always admired about you.”

John smiled shyly in response, struggling not to fidget under Lewis’s close gaze. He pushed his hair back from his face carefully and fiddled with his bottle. “Anyway, what’s done is done. You can’t change the past.”

“No. No, you can’t,” Lewis said softly. “Least it explains one thing. Why he was so eager to find you after you left. He was practically begging me to tell him where you’d moved to.”

John stared at him carefully from under his eyelashes. “He said as much. Said you’d punched him in the face too.”

Lewis smirked obviously in response. “Did, yeah. Shame I didn’t do it harder.”

“ _Don’t_.”

“Why not? He deserved it.”

“Yeah well, it’s over. Forget it, please. I have.”

Lewis hesitated, still watching John carefully. Then he forced a nod. “Alright. For you.”

John’s stomach twisted guiltily at the way Lewis said that. He searched for an immediate subject change, shifting in his seat again. “Anyway, I’m glad I saw you. I didn’t think I ever would really.”

“No, me neither. I wanted to look for you, I did. I just…thought after everything, you might have wanted a clean break. So, I left you alone.”

“You didn’t have to. I wouldn’t have minded you getting back in contact. But yeah, it was the same for me. Thought maybe it would be easier for us both to start over.”

Lewis hummed thoughtfully in response. “I get that. I do. I did miss you. There’s been so many times in the last four years where something has happened, either good or bad, and I’ve wanted to call you up straight away just to tell you about it. But anyway, here we are now, I guess.”

“Here we are,” John agreed lightly.

Lewis’s heavy gaze lingered. Then he suddenly looked back down at his bottle, his face slightly pink. “I guess I should tell you I’m seeing someone too. A guy. Well, we’re dating anyway.”

John nodded, forcing a small smile. “That’s good. Really.”

“Yeah, yeah, I guess.”

Lewis looked like he wanted to say something more. But he didn’t. Instead, John cleared his throat and spoke up instead.

“I’d like it if we could meet up. All four of us. Maybe go for a meal or something.”

Lewis frowned in response. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, John—”

“—Please Lewis. I’d like it if you could get along. Or at least show willing and meet him again.”

Lewis hesitated for a moment, before nodding in response. “Okay.”

John gave a relieved smile. “Thank you.”

Lewis left not long after that. They walked to the station before parting ways.

John stepped onto his tube, his mind far away. The events of the evening didn’t feel real. He still couldn’t believe he’d actually seen Lewis again.

He felt like he was still in shock. It was just so unexpected that he’d never really allowed himself to believe it would happen.

And now that it had, he wasn’t sure how to feel about it all.

He was on autopilot as he turned the hallway light on and locked the door behind him. He kicked his shoes off, hung up his jacket and reached for his phone to reassure Freddie he’d got home safe as he shuffled towards the kitchen.

_I’m home. You’re probably right about me overthinking stuff. I’ll be fine once I see Roger again. Thanks for everything, Fred. I don’t know what I’d do without you._

Freddie replied almost instantly, just as John had poured himself a glass of water.

_Probably wear more horrendous jumpers like the one you brought last Christmas when you went home to your parents. That one still gives me nightmares. Besides, what are friends for? Although I’ll never say no to the odd free cocktail. Just saying, darling. X_

John smiled in response. Freddie always knew just the right thing to say to cheer him up.

_Consider it done. And I’ll have you know that there is nothing wrong with a festive Space Invaders jumper!_

His phone beeped again just as John heard a click from somewhere in the flat, followed by the soft padding of feet. Alarmed, John looked around the kitchen and grabbed the closest thing that could be used as a weapon. The rolling pin that was nestled in the utilities stand. Then he tiptoed to the doorway…

John gasped, the rolling pin falling to the floor with a bang, at the same time Roger let out a high-pitched squeal.

“Fucking hell, John! You scared the life out of me, waving that thing about!”

“ _Me_?” John hissed, resting a hand over his heart. It was racing. He was torn between alarm and being relieved that he was finally back. “You’re the one sneaking about the flat at an ungodly hour without even telling me you were going to be back early.”

Roger smiled in response as his gaze trailed over John slowly. “I wanted it to be a surprise, didn’t I?”

“Mission accomplished.”

“Yeah well. Anyway. On that note.”

John let out a small _oomph_ as Roger practically jumped into his arms. He stumbled back a step, the edge of the kitchen counter digging into his back. But he barely noticed as Roger’s lips quickly collided with his, his hand tangling into the back of his hair. He shivered at the feel of Roger’s tongue against his, using the loopholes on Roger’s jeans to pull him closer.

He needed to feel his skin against his, to lose himself in all of Roger. Like he’d wanted to the whole time that he’d been away. So he eventually pulled away and tugged Roger through the flat by his hand.

“Please say that you’re not hungry or that you’ve at least eaten before I got home.”

“The only hunger I have is for you, babe.”

It was a little cheesy and ridiculously corny, but John was more focused on heading for the direction of their bedroom.

“Right answer.”

John was on him as soon as they were through the doorway.

All of the paranoia and anxiety of the last few weeks drove John’s actions. He kissed him with all the urgency he could muster, his hands tugging at Roger’s clothing a little desperately.

Somehow, they managed to stumble to the bed.

John scrambled out of his clothing quicker than he probably ever had. Roger’s gaze was heady, as he quickly wiggled out of his boxers and left them in a pile with the rest of their clothes.

It was impossible not to feel transfixed, watching Roger crawl forwards on the bed, until he was nestled in between John’s legs. He kissed him, firmly and slowly, immediately stealing John’s breath away.

Roger made a needy noise in the back of his throat as John ducked his head, nipping softly at his neck. His hand tightened in John’s hair in response.

“I’ve missed this, and you. God, how I’ve missed you. I couldn’t get you out of my head the whole time I was away. Christ, it was maddening! Only thing that’s kept me going is the thought of seeing you again. The thought of what I wanted us to do when I got back.” Roger admitted huskily, before gasping as John sucked the skin against his pulse point.

John responded by kissing a path up to Roger’s ear, who bucked against him eagerly as one of John’s hands caught a knot in his hair.

“Oh yeah? What sort of things did you have in mind?”

Roger chuckled darkly at his question.

“ _Oh,_ everything you can imagine, Deacy love. Me rimming you, your talented mouth around my cock—”

“—Talented mouth, huh?” John repeated thickly with a degree of amusement. Roger hummed as John softly bit the edge of his earlobe, suddenly eager to draw out every bit of their reunion as much as possible. He wanted to make Roger feel good, frankly. To prove he’d missed him so much more than Roger probably would have even realised. “Anything else?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe, baby. I’ve spent almost every night flicking through that Karma Sutra book I’ve got, imagining the many positions I want us to fuck in. It’s a hell of a lot, by the way.”

“Good. I’m looking forward to trying them all.”

Roger practically growled in response, immediately pulling John back in for another kiss.

They were both as impatient to touch each other, to make the other feel as good as they possibly could.

John’s hand trailed hastily over Roger’s body, to quickly rest between his thighs.

He loved the noises that Roger made as he stroked him, loved how responsive he was to his touch. He especially loved watching the way his eyes fluttered closed with a reverent whisper of his name, the pleasure etched across his features beautifully.

Because Roger was _beautiful_ , practically ethereal. He only looked more stunning when they came together like this. So much so that John felt like he could barely breathe when he looked at him.

He practically impaled himself on John’s fingers in his haste to have him inside of him.

John was much the same as he pulled on a condom and smeared enough lube against his cock before he placed himself against his entrance.

They took turns taking control, switching positions frequently in their desperate need to linger for as long as possible. And then Roger climbed on top, a determined look in his eyes as he leaned in to kiss John.

“I’m gonna’ rock your world, sweetheart.”

The comment might have made John smile if it wasn’t for the fact that Roger chose that moment to lower himself back onto John’s cock. He used his hand gripping the headboard as leverage, and John was mesmerised.

It was usually him who ended up on top, but there was something incredibly sexy about Roger being confident enough to take the reins, so to speak.

They moved as one, their bodies pressed together, their kisses growing sloppier and their moans growing louder. The mattress squeaked every now and again, the headboard banging back against the wall, but both went unnoticed as the pleasure began to mount for the both of them.

“ _Oh god…fuck_. I’m close…real close.” Roger babbled breathlessly against John’s ear, grinding against John more urgently. John hummed, his hand tightening slightly around Roger’s cock as he angled himself deeper, stroking his prostate more firmly with every thrust. “ _Aah shit…_ yeah, that’s it. Just like that, baby!”

John could only groan in response, kissing him roughly again. He loved how loud Roger became in the moment, how vocal he was about how much he loved it.

Eventually, they stilled against one another as they gasped for breath. They took their time pulling away to clean up. Once they had, Roger crawled back into bed and curved himself around John, leaning forwards to kiss above his heart, before placing his head against his chest.

John smiled fondly in response and pulled him tighter against him.

It made him almost emotional, to think how much they’d dealt with in just a few short months. He was beyond happy to think that they were stronger than ever.

He bent his head to discreetly sniff Roger’s hair. It smelt of his apple shampoo and faintly, of the cigarettes he smoked. But there was something else, something musky and familiar. It was Roger’s natural scent, and he loved it.

It reminded John of _home_.

He whispered softly against the top of his head, knowing that he meant every one of those three word. Now more than ever.

Roger gave a muffled yawn as he began to trace the hair on John’s chest softly.

“Love you too,” he said back a little groggily. “Hmm, I feel like I could sleep for a week, Deacs.”

John responded by playing with his hair softly, just as he knew Roger liked when he was sleepy.

“Least we don’t have to rush anywhere tomorrow. Although, I should think Brian will definitely want to come over and see you.”

He could practically hear the smile in Roger’s voice as he replied. “True. We can still have a lay-in though.”

“Sounds good to me. How comes you managed to get away so early anyway? You were expecting to be there until Friday, weren’t you?”

“Yeah, we were, but erm…everything was pretty much done. The last gig was tonight, and we’d finished all the necessary press interviews and things. Anyway, the manager thought it’d be good for us to get home and get some rest before we’re in the studio recording next week.”

“Bloody hell, that’s exciting. Bet you can’t wait!”

“No, I can’t,” Roger said softly. “But to be honest, I couldn’t wait to get home. Couldn’t wait to see you.”

“I missed you too.” John said with a sigh. “But it went well? The tour? Sounded like you were having fun anyway.”

“Yeah, loads! Don’t get me wrong, it was amazing. And I loved it. Being on stage every night, playing to those crowds. Made me realise just how much I love drumming, and how much I want to be doing it as an actual job, you know?”

“That’s good. It’s what you should be doing. I’m no expert, but I reckon you’re good enough to be doing it full-time. You’ve got a real talent, and it’s about time people started to take notice of you.”

“Oh, you sweet talker, you!” Roger teased, sounding slightly flustered.

“I’m serious, Rog. You can tell drumming is your passion, and you’ve definitely got the vocal range.”

“Maybe I should go away more often if it means I come back to all these compliments, Deacy.”

John rolled his eyes in response. “Don’t be an arse.”

Roger gave a playful laugh, before he rolled over onto his stomach so that he could stare up at John. His cheeks were slightly pink, but there was a glint in his eyes as he bent to lay another kiss against John’s chest.

“Sorry. I know you’re serious when you say that, and it means a lot that you have so much faith in me, Deacs. Nobody else has ever had that.”

“I’ll always believe in you.”

Roger blinked; he looked almost surprised. And then he smiled again.

“You’re amazing, you know that? Best bloody boyfriend that ever was. And the sexiest. And the most epic shag going—”

“—I get the point,” John interrupted with a grin. Roger pouted in response.

“But I didn’t finish. I didn’t get to tell you how wonderfully romantic you are, or sweet, or kind, or bloody gorgeous. Or how you’re a wizard on that bass of yours, or how you write the most beautiful lyrics capable of outdoing Shakespeare himself.”

“Now who’s being a sweet talker?”

“Yeah but does it really count if it’s true?” Roger said with an impish grin. “Speaking of which, did I tell you about that night Mikey ended up pulling that stripper? He couldn’t believe his luck.”

John’s stomach twisted in response, though he tried not to let it show.

“Yeah, yeah, you did.”

“Now that was a good night. Not that I could remember much. God, the other band really knew how to drink! I thought my alcohol tolerance was good, but some of them were necking whole bottles of vodka every night. And they barely had a hangover in the morning to show for it. Lucky gits!”

“That’s some stamina,” John agreed, vaguely impressed.

“Exactly! Then again, I gave it a good go to begin with. I’m pretty sure I passed out at the end of that particular night. Where’s the fun in that?”

John tried to keep the panic from his voice at Roger’s confession. “You passed out? Where, in your hotel room?”

Roger gave a wry laugh in response, oblivious to John’s alarm as he continued to trace his chest with his fingertips. “Yeah, I think so. All I remember is waking up the next morning still in my clothes from the night before. With a banging head, no less.”

“Did you have your own room then?”

“Yeah we managed to nab a free upgrade courtesy of the manager—”

“—Bloody hell, Roger, that’s a bit reckless. You could have ended up choking on your own vomit or something!”

Roger blinked in response, his eyes widening a little. “Relax Deacy, I was fine. Besides everyone else was just as drunk—”

“—That’s hardly the point,” John scoffed. “I’m serious! You could have died! It does happen you know? People die suddenly all the time.”

“Okay, but…I didn’t, did I? I’m fine. So, no harm done.”

“It’s not fucking funny—”

“—And I’m not fucking laughing, am I?” Roger said, raising his voice over John’s, before he could end up stressing himself further. “Look, I learned my lesson. I only got like that once, okay? I promise.”

John nodded, pursing his lips in anger. “Right, fine. Just…don’t do it again. Please.”

“I promise. I know that you’re…” Roger trailed off uncertainly, his gaze falling back to John’s chest, his face slightly pink. “I know that that sort of thing worries you. Especially after losing your Dad so out of the blue. That’s partly why I didn’t tell you whilst I was away. I didn’t want you to panic.”

“Only partly?”

“Well yeah, the other part of me knew that you’d think I was an idiot for getting that drunk in the first place. Which obviously I am.”

“Yeah, you are. You’re still my idiot though,” John said softly, relieved that Roger could understand why that sort of thing freaked him out. At least, it meant he’d be more careful in future.

Roger looked up at him from under his long eyelashes sheepishly. “I’ll take that.”

John’s gaze drifted up to the ceiling automatically. “So erm…was Mikey the only one that pulled then? Or did you anyone catch your eye?”

“I hope that’s your attempt at a shitty joke.”

John sighed in response, carefully avoiding his eye. “I’m just asking. There’d be no judgements if you did. You’re gorgeous, Roger. I’d be more surprised if you didn’t have any interest.”

“I guess. Can’t say I took a whole lot of notice either way. And you’re fucking insane if you think for one minute, I’d have ever even considered cheating on you, John.”

“Would it be considered cheating though? I mean, you just admitted Mikey pulled a stripper and he’s got a girlfriend.”

“ _Yes_! In my eyes, at least. What Mikey wants to get up to whilst he’s away from the missus is up to him. But let me make this clear. I wouldn’t fuck up everything we’ve got just to shag some randomer. Or anyone else, for that matter. I bloody hope you wouldn’t either.”

“Of course not,” John rushed to say, finally forcing his gaze back towards Roger. He lifted his hand, smoothing over the furrow of his forehead softly. “I was just checking we were on the same page. I also wouldn’t want you to feel like you can’t enjoy every aspect of being in a band or touring. Especially if Mikey is doing that sort of thing like it’s no big deal.”

Roger frowned in response. “Look John, I don’t need to have a load of one night stands just to bloody well feel like I’m getting the full experience. Nor would I want to. I love drumming, being on stage, going out and having a good time. And sure, yeah, maybe a part of me likes the attention that comes with being in a band. But what I love more is that I can also put all of that aside and come home to you. Because you are my _home_ , John, as far as I’m concerned, at least. And I’m happiest when I’m with you.”

John took a deep breath of relief to hear him say all that. “I feel the same way.”

“Good,” Roger said brightly. He bent to press another kiss to his skin. “On that note, are you ready for bed?”

“Erm…yeah, almost.”

Roger raised an eyebrow. “Almost? Usually, you’re out like a light after we fuck.”

John wrinkled his nose, and Roger smiled knowingly in response. “Too crude? Sorry babe, what I _should_ have said is that _you’re out like a light after we make_ beautiful, _sweet love_ —”

“—You’re a twat.”

Roger cackled against his chest in response, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“It’s just…I forgot to mention earlier. I was too giddy about seeing you, to be honest.” John said softly, moving to tuck Roger’s hair back behind his ear so that he could see his face properly.

“Hmm, I know the feeling.”

“I…had a visitor at the pub earlier. Was a bit of a surprise, to be honest.”

That perked Roger up.

“Oh yeah? A good or bad one?”

“Good, I’d say,” John said carefully. “It was Lewis from school. Turns out he’s been living in London too.”

“Oh… _Oh_. Yeah, I can erm…I can see how that might have been a surprise.”

“Yeah, yeah, it was. Unexpected, to say the least.”

Roger hummed, his gaze quickly falling to the bed, and his hand stilling against John’s chest. “No doubt.”

John eyed him closely as he continued to speak. “Apparently, he just finished university. He was studying Sports Science.”

“Well, he was always into his fitness, wasn’t he?”

“Particularly his football,” John agreed lightly. “Anyway, it was dead at work, so I closed early so that we could talk properly.”

Roger’s eyebrows furrowed, his expression hardening for just a moment, before it went blank again. “Right. Very cosy.”

“It wasn’t like that. If it were, I wouldn’t have told him about us, would I?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Perhaps you could have reminisced about what an arsehole I was.”

John sighed in response. He was hoping he wouldn’t react exactly like that. “Stop it. I’ve just said—”

“—It wasn’t like that. Yes, I heard you, John.”

The mood seemed to change abruptly. Sour, slightly.

Roger sat up, quickly turning away, his back rigid. John’s gaze followed him uncertainly. “Talk to me. Explain why you’re reacting like this—”

“— _Because_! The guy’s your first love. Regardless of what happens with us, you two will always have history, and that’s fine. I always understood that, accepted it even, because I didn’t really think you’d see each other again. Now that you have…well, it automatically changes things, doesn’t it? Whether you want it to, or not.”

“Except that isn’t going to happen. Our relationship is ancient history. That doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends, surely?”

“ _Oh_ sure! And you reckon he sees it like that, does he? Probably wants to punch me in the face again. Can’t say that I blame him—”

“—You’re not listening to me!” John finally shouted over the top of him, his frustrations getting the better of him as he watched Roger climb off of the bed in a huff. “If you’d give me the chance to explain instead of bloody flying off of the handle then I could tell you about how I even suggested going for a meal, all four of us. How it would be nice if we could all get along, at least.”

Roger scoffed as he went to put his boxers on again. “Sounds perfect! So I’ll just be sat there as the third fucking wheel, will I? Yeah that’ll be—wait, did you say all four? Who’s the fourth?”

John fixed him with a hard stare in response. “Lewis’s boyfriend, or the guy he’s seeing or whatever. I was just about to explain that too, but you chose to get in a huff and make assumptions of your own instead.”

Roger paused in response. His cheeks were slightly pink as he stared back at John uncertainly. “I’m not in a huff.”

“That was convincing,” John grumbled, his gaze flickering over him. Then he sighed. “Will you just…come and sit back down. Preferably stop being an idiot too.”

“Cheers, so now I’m an idiot too—”

“—Well you are when you jump down my bloody throat without knowing all the facts first, yeah.”

Roger bit the edge of his lip as he shuffled over to the bed and sat back down besides John. He brought his knee up to lean against it, avoiding John’s gaze the whole time. “Sorry.”

“Forget it,” John said quickly as he moved close enough to take Roger’s hand in his. “Look, I’m not saying that I don’t understand why you panicked when I told you. Seeing him again was just as much of a shock for me, you know? But that doesn’t mean that I want to run off in the sunset with him or whatever. I suggested we hung out because Lewis isn’t just my ex. He was my best friend, and yeah, if I’m being honest, it was nice to see him again. But that doesn’t mean that I love you any less. None of that changes anything, Roger. I promise. Okay?”

Roger nodded to show that he was listening.

“But if you really don’t want to meet up then we don’t have to—”

“—No, it’s fine,” Roger rushed to say. “Honestly. I should be encouraging us all to hang out, instead of selfishly immediately thinking the worst.”

“You’re not being selfish. And if hanging out makes you uncomfortable, we won’t do it.”

“It doesn’t. I’m good. Seriously.” Roger insisted, squeezing John’s hand softly. “Besides, this could be good for us. A fresh start and all that.”

John nodded, watching him carefully for any sign of doubt. “Sure?”

“Definitely,” Roger smiled softly, leaning in to give John a quick kiss. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” John said back immediately.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooooooh so Lewis is back in town lol! What do you all think of that then haha? Was anybody expecting that? I'm getting the sense that some of you were haha. Let me know your thoughts! Hope everybody is keeping safe! England are just about to come out of lockdown, so I'm a little bit anxious about that, but things are still going well with Beth (Bee) so I'm just keeping as safe as I can and taking one step at a day. Take care everyone! :) <3


	30. Don't Let The Moment Slip Away.....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ROGER'S POV
> 
> Roger remembers a time when he, his Mum and sister had to move to escape the grasp of his father. Back in the present day, Roger's insecurities slowly start to get the better of him, causing devastating consequences...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATING IS FOR SWEARING

_Roger could no longer remember a time when his Mum and Dad weren’t arguing. He’d usually escape to his room with his sister in tow until things calmed down. They’d huddle together and try to ignore the sound of breaking glass, banging doors, and raised voices._

_Except when he couldn’t._

_His Dad often liked to use his fists too. On his Mum. On his sister. But most of all, on him._

_He’d hear his Mum or sister cry out in pain. Roger would tear at his hair, his hands over his ears, with his eyes squeezed shut. He’d pray that it would stop. Until in the end, he’d swallow down his fear and confront him. He’d rather take the beating for them if he could._

_But that afternoon felt different. It seemed to be the straw that broke the camel’s back._

_Him and his sister had been hidden away for most of the day._

_Roger felt as powerless as always, with Clare nestled against his side, crying softly into his jumper. He shushed her gently, promising repeatedly that things would be okay. Even if he didn’t believe that himself. It was his job as the eldest to protect her and to make her feel safe._

_Worst was that he knew the argument was his fault._

_He could still taste blood against his bottom lip from where his father had hit him. He dreaded to imagine what punishment his Mum might have been receiving for stepping in when she did. He fought not to shudder as his father’s angry voice boomed through the house._

_And then suddenly…there was silence. Silence that seemed to stretch on for hours._

_Eventually, the two children crept out from his bedroom._

_Roger tugged Clare forwards when she whined quietly about it not being safe. He squeezed her hand in reassurance. “Come on, it’s okay. I’ll protect you.”_

_“Do you think he’s gone?”_

_Clare sounded as hopeful as he felt. He prayed nothing worst had happened._

_“Think so.”_

_They found their Mum knelt in the corner of the hallway, her hands shaking as she picked up a photograph. It was of Clare and Roger, posing for the camera in primary school. The frame and the remnants of the glass were smashed all over the floor._

_Their Mum looked up when she heard the tell-tale sound of her children’s slippers crunching on the fragments._

_“Oh! Stay there, darlings! It’s okay. Mummy’s just had a little accident, that’s all.” She said in a soft tone, her voice a little shaky. Her mascara had smudged around the corners of her eyes, and her cheeks looked damp. There were a few cuts on her face too._

_She got them both to sit on the bottom step of the stairs whilst she cleared up. Then she headed upstairs to wash her face whilst they got ready for bed. By the time their Mum came back into Roger’s bedroom, her face was dry and she was wearing a tight smile. In her hands was **The Wind in the Willows** , a particular favourite of Clare’s. She agreed to let Clare sleep in Roger’s bed when his little sister asked to, just like they did when she was a baby. Before their father put a stop to it._

_Their Mum sat herself on the edge of the bed and brushed their hair back from their faces softly. “I thought it’d be nice if I read you both a story. Just like I used to. Would you like that?”_

_“Yes please, Mumma.” Clare said immediately as she rubbed at her eyes and yawned sleepily._

_Roger eyed his Mum worriedly when she winced a little as she sat up straighter._

_“Mummy?” Clare said, getting her attention again when she turned to the first page._

_“Yes, sweetheart?”_

_“Is Daddy coming back?”_

_Their Mum’s smile dropped a little in response. “No darling, he’s not. It’s just us three. But I promise things will be better from now on. You’ll see. In fact, I was thinking. Wouldn’t it be nice to move away to someplace new? Somewhere near the sea.”_

_“I’ve never been to the sea, Muma!” Clare said excitedly._

_Their Mum smiled softly in response. “I know you haven’t darling. It’ll be like our own little adventure. We can have fish and chips for dinner and ice cream for afters anytime we like.”_

_“Yay!” Clare beamed in response, clapping her hands together excitedly._

_Then their Mum turned to Roger uncertainly. “How would you feel about that Rog, baby? To move to somewhere new, somewhere nobody knows us. We can build a whole new life for ourselves. A happier life.”_

_Roger liked the idea of being besides the sea. Of starting afresh miles away from their father, free of his clutches. He liked the idea of fish and chips for dinner and ice cream for pudding too._

_“I like it,” he said quietly. “When will we leave?”_

_“As soon as you like. There’s a lovely hotel right by the sea front that we can stay in until we find somewhere more permanent. There are plenty of jobs, and there are lots of nice schools in the area too. All right on our doorstep. How good is that kiddos?”_

_Roger nodded eagerly in response. Still, he wondered if this was all too good to be true. It seemed it. “Mum? Does this mean…are we really free? To go where we like? To start again?”_

_“Yes,” she said softly, brushing his hair back again. “Yes sweetheart, we’re finally free.”_

**_They were finally free_ ** _, Roger repeated in his head. It made him happy._

-o-

Roger remained in front of the mirror; his gaze locked on his own reflection. He’d curled his hair so that it was naturally tousled and sat at his slim shoulders, against the velvet jacket he was wearing. _John’s_ velvet jacket, he corrected himself internally.

There was the faint scent of John’s aftershave, which was mostly why Roger had wanted to wear it. It was also partly because he thought it went with the shirt he’d chosen.

“Ready?”

Roger felt a flutter of butterflies when he saw John. He was leaning in the doorway, a soft smile on his face.

“Err…think so,” Roger said distractedly as he fiddled with the collar of his shirt once more.

“You look beautiful.”

That wasn’t something Roger got called much before he’d met John. _Sexy_. _Hot_. _Fit_. He’d heard those terms tossed about often. Or something similar. But John called him beautiful all the time. The sentiment seemed more genuine, coming from him. It meant more too.

Roger hummed appreciatively as he concentrated on fluffing up his hair just to stop himself from swooning. He hoped he hadn’t turned too pink at the compliment.

“Thanks, so do you. Then again, you always look lovely.”

“Even still. Always nice to hear you think so,” John teased as he followed him through the hallway.

 _He really did look gorgeous_ , Roger thought as he held open the front door and watched John head out. He was wearing his favourite platform boots which made his legs look even longer, and his arse incredibly pert. He’d washed his hair, so it was all soft and fluffy, and he was wearing his best shirt, the black and white chequered one.

 _He was dressing up. Dressing up for Lewis_.

He shut the door behind them a little harder than necessary and quickly squashed that thought. Like he had all the other times in the last few days.

He was better than this. Jealousy was by far his least attractive feature, which was exactly why he was trying not to be. He had no reason to doubt John. The least Roger could do was trust him.

John eyed him with a hint of uncertainty as he turned to face him. He responded by taking his hand and giving him a comforting smile. John squeezed his hand in reply and fell into step with him.

“Nice jacket, by the way.”

As always, John’s gentle teasing lightened the mood at just the right time.

“Thanks, it’s my boyfriend’s. He happens to have great taste.”

“He definitely does.”

John suddenly stopped and tugged on his hand. Roger stared questioningly as he stepped close enough for John to wrap his arms around his neck and kiss him softly. Roger’s breath caught in his throat, and he felt a little lightheaded at the feel of John’s tongue against his.

John still affected him in the best way. Still made him light up like a Christmas tree at just the mention of his name. He hoped all of the reactions Roger had towards him would never change.

Eventually, John leaned away enough to look him in his eyes.

“ _I love you_. So if you want to sack tonight off in favour of heading into town and getting pissed, I wouldn’t mind a bit. Just as long as you promise me a spin on the dancefloor.”

Roger was touched by John’s thoughtfulness. He appreciated the concern more than he’d ever realise. The fact John would be willing to do that said so much about the person he was. Hence, why Roger wanted to get through tonight. For John’s sake, if nothing else.

“Thank you, but I’m fine. It could be good for us. But I’m definitely up for heading to town later.”

John smiled in response. “I’ll hold you to that.”

Reassured, he took Roger’s hand and lead them towards their nearest tube station. They stood to the side of the train, John steadying himself against Roger as it began to move off.

 _Perhaps tonight wouldn’t be so bad_ , he thought as he quickly relaxed under John’s touch. It was a chance of a new start. For all three of them.

But that positivity faded quicker than daylight in winter as they headed for the restaurant perched on the corner of Trafalgar Square.

Lewis and his boyfriend were already sat outside. They both stood when they approached. The September sunshine was warm against Roger’s skin, but he felt anything but, as he gave Lewis a long, once-over.

He hadn’t changed. If anything, he somehow looked taller. He still had the athletics physique—the broad shoulders and muscular build. Roger’s gaze lingered on his wide biceps enviously, suddenly regretting the leftover lasagne that he’d had for lunch. His stomach flipped uncomfortably at the way Lewis’s face lit up when he looked at John.

Lewis’s boyfriend was tall, naturally tanned, and just as brawny as Lewis. He offered a hesitant smile as John and Roger made it to their table.

“Hey John, nice to see you again. This is Mattie, my boyfriend.”

John shook Mattie’s hand and offered a polite _nice to meet you_ before quickly looking at Roger with a smile. He felt John’s other hand, warm against his lower back.

“Err…this is my boyfriend, Roger.”

Roger gave the most encouraging smile he could muster as he shook Mattie’s hand and offered the same polite greeting. Then he reluctantly looked at Lewis, noticing that he seemed just as hesitant.

“Nice to see you again, Lewis.”

He offered his hand and was somewhat relieved when Lewis at least shook it. He offered a tight smile back. “And you, Roger.”

Roger had never been able to sit still for long. Especially when anxious. He bounced his leg whilst they waited for the waitress to take their drinks orders. Then she left them to flick through the menu.

John tilted his head, as he continued to browse the list of foods. “What you thinking about getting?”

“Oh erm…” Roger hesitated, eyeing Lewis and Mattie discreetly over the top of the brochure. “Probably just the chicken salad.”

John turned his head to look at Roger more fully. “Really? That’s not like you. I thought you might have gone for the tagliatelle.”

“I had that leftover lasagne for lunch, didn’t I? I’m probably still just a little full,” he said, hoping John didn’t hear the way his stomach grumbled quietly in disagreement.

“To be fair, I did say as much last night when you said you were going to—”

“—Yeah, but you know I hate wasting food. It’s fine, I’ll just have the chicken salad. It’s not like I can afford much else anyway,” Roger said a little ungratefully.

He didn’t mean to be. But he was already beginning to feel a comedown from the tour.

It didn’t any help that his quarter of the profits had mostly gone on rent and bills. Despite John’s assurances that he could afford to pay it himself, Roger didn’t want to leech off of him. He’d done enough of that with Brian.

He was also on edge. Filled with a nervous energy that he couldn’t dispel. He usually got rid of it by playing the drums. But Roger didn’t think that was much of an option tonight.

John stared at him, a worried look in his eyes. “Don’t be silly, you don’t need to worry about that. Going out was my idea. I don’t mind paying—”

“—It’s fine. This is my treat.”

John frowned in response. “Roger—”

“—Have we decided yet?” Sophia, their waitress, asked politely as she headed back over, unaware of the conversation she’d just broken up. She took their orders and headed away again.

Mattie cleared his throat quietly, breaking the slightly uncomfortable silence.

“So erm…remind me what you two do for work? Lewis mentioned something about working in a bar, John?” Mattie asked politely as he reached for his bottle of beer.

John nodded. “I do, yeah. Just whilst I’m finishing my degree, at least. Ideally, I’d like to work in a recording studio. Lewis was telling me that you work at a gym?”

Mattie smiled in response. “That’s right. I’m actually a personal trainer.”

 _Of course you are_ , Roger thought a little cynically. Then he struggled not to blanch as Mattie turned to look at him. “What about you, Roger?”

“I’m a drummer. In a band. We just did a tour, supporting _Hellhounds_.”

Mattie looked vaguely impressed by that. “ _Wow_! Those guys are great! I’m almost jealous. Have you released any albums?”

“We’re just about to record our first one.”

“That’s exciting. You must be really pleased.”

“Yeah, yeah, I am.”

Mattie looked between the two of them curiously. “Lewis was telling me that the three of you went to the same secondary school too.”

Just like that, Roger was nervous again. He chickened out by reaching for his drink, letting John answer that one.

“We did,” John said carefully. “We weren’t really that…close with Roger. But I was best friends with Lewis. Our Mum’s even got on quite well.”

“So you basically grew up together then?”

Roger noticed the way that John and Lewis shared a look. John turned away first, reaching for his beer. “I guess you could say that,” he said evenly.

Roger watched how Lewis smiled at John from across the table. Like their relationship was some amusing, private anecdote between the two of them. It was hard for him not to feel resentment.

John set his bottle back down with a nervous smile. “Anyway, how did the two of you meet?”

“We were actually set up through mutual friends,” Mattie said. “Our first date was at a bar; we went to see this band we both liked.”

“So you like the same music then? That’s good.”

“Yeah, we do. Although we have loads in common. Like how we’re both into fitness, for example.”

The conversation between them came surprisingly easily after that. Once they’d finished their mains, Roger excused himself to go to the toilet. He bumped into Mattie at the bar on the way back.

“Need a hand?”

Mattie smiled in response. “Cheers man. Are you sure you don’t want anything? I’m getting the drinks in anyway—”

“—Honestly, I’m good, mate.”

For Roger, it was a matter of pride. He hated feeling like he was in debt to people. Always had.

“Thanks for the offer. But I’ve got to get up early. I work on a stall with John’s friend, and it would be more than my life’s worth if I show up hungover. Not after the last time.”

Mattie laughed in response. “Ahh fair enough, mate.”

Roger smiled as he watched him pay. He decided he liked Mattie. He got a good vibe from him and he was easy to talk to. He could imagine Mattie and Lewis being a good match, given how laidback Lewis was at school. Most of the time, anyway.

“Have you and Lewis been together long then?” Roger asked whilst they waited for their drinks to be poured.

“A few months. How about you and John?”

“Yeah, a few months too. But obviously, I’ve known him for years.”

Mattie nodded, watching Roger evenly. “Did you get closer after you left school or something?”

“Erm…” Roger hesitated, keeping his gaze locked on the barman fixing Mattie’s drinks order. “I guess we did, yeah. His friend got engaged to my friend. They had this sort of celebratory dinner at the start of the year. That was how me and John met again, and we erm…slowly got closer from there.”

He decided to take a leap of faith. For some reason, he trusted Mattie enough to tell him more.

“Unfortunately, I was a bit of a twat at school. The truth is, I always liked John. But I got freaked out by that fact. You know, liking guys and all that. We didn’t stay in contact after he moved away. So when I saw him again, I didn’t want to risk losing him a second time.”

Mattie smiled in response. “At least you realised your mistakes sooner rather than later. Quite sweet that you found each other again too. It was obviously meant to be.”

If any of his university friends had suggested such a thing, Roger would have probably laughed and made a joke out of how cheesy that sounded. But Mattie said it so sincerely that Roger couldn’t help but smile at the sentiment.

“Couldn’t agree more, mate.”

They headed back outside together. Mattie carried on walking, unaware of the way Roger had stopped, his gaze focused on their table.

John and Lewis were locked in conversation, seemingly oblivious to anything else. They were both smiling. John’s eyes were crinkled in the corners, his gap tooth showing as he talked. Then he reached over and pressed a hand against Lewis’s arm.

Roger felt a wave of icy fear.

He knew John struggled to express his affections openly, especially if he was anxious or had things on his mind.

Roger accepted that. Loved it even. Just like he loved every aspect of John. And yet…

John was touching Lewis like it was the most natural thing in the world. Like he didn’t even need to think about what he was doing. In a way that he never seemed able to with Roger.

Or perhaps, Roger was just overthinking everything as usual.

Whether he was or not, he couldn’t deny the way his mind raced when he saw them together. All he could think was— _I’m going to lose him. All over again_.

He swallowed thickly, trying not to dwell on it as he headed over and passed John his beer. He turned away from Lewis to smile at Roger as he sat down. But it quickly disappeared when he saw his reaction. He leaned close enough to talk discreetly.

“Alright?”

“Yeah, fine.”

“Sure? We can leave if you’re getting bored—”

“—I’m good. It’s a nice evening, we might as well make the most of it.”

John still looked unsure, and on the verge of saying more, but they were interrupted before he got the chance.

“Lewis was just saying that you play bass, John. Is that right?” Mattie asked, looking vaguely impressed as John looked over at him in surprise.

“Oh erm…yeah, I do. It’s more of a hobby. But Mum thought it’d be good to have something else to focus on whilst I was growing up. I had a bit of an obsession with fixing things around the house.”

Roger watched him fondly as he spoke. “Still do, to be fair.”

John smiled in response. “Old habits, and all that.”

“You always had a knack with stuff like that,” Lewis said knowingly. “I was envious. John used to make it look so easy.”

John shrugged the comments off shyly. “I guess that’s because it was. My Dad taught me the basics. The rest, I just kind of figured out on my own. Much to my Mum’s dismay, at least to begin with.”

“And you’re studying Electrical Engineering, right?” Mattie asked curiously.

“Yeah, yeah, I am. And Roger studies Biology.”

Roger smiled when they both looked at him with something akin to surprise. “Trust me, it’s not something I want to be doing long term. It was my Mum’s idea to have a degree. Think she hoped it would put me off wanting to be a musician, once and for all.”

Mattie smiled in response. “I can see that worked out well.”

Roger hummed in agreement. “John’s just as good on the bass. He writes lyrics too.”

“That’s pretty cool.”

John rolled his eyes as their attention quickly drew back to him. “Ignore him—he’s a natural flatterer.”

Lewis immediately shook his head in response. “No, he’s right. You had a real talent. Some of the stuff you wrote was amazing, even back then.” Lewis said, slightly in awe.

Roger’s stomach clenched uncomfortably at the way Lewis was staring at John.

“So if you don’t mind me asking…” Mattie said casually, looking between John and Lewis. “How comes you two stopped talking anyway?”

Lewis got there first, his smile slipping slightly.

“John moved back to his hometown for a bit. Then we both went off to college and you know what it’s like when you don’t see somebody for a while. You get a bit lazy. But erm…I’d always hoped I’d bump into him again. It was definitely weird, not talking to him for all that time.”

His gaze spoke volumes. Roger’s hands clenched themselves into fists under the table as his mind whirled on uncontrollably.

_What did you expect would happen? Lewis was all John had wanted, and you helped break them up. You’re the one thing stopping John from moving on. From being truly happy. Just like you were the last time—_

“Rog? Roger?”

Roger looked up to find John staring at him in concern. His palms stung from how hard his nails had been digging into his skin.

“You okay? Mattie was just asking you how long the band have been together.”

“Oh erm…” Roger blinked, swallowing the lump that had suddenly lodged itself in his throat. He felt pathetic, getting so worked up. “For a couple of years. I replaced their drummer a while ago, because the band wasn’t really…well, I guess it wasn’t for him.”

“Sounds like a win-win then,” Mattie said politely.

“Yeah, it was.”

Curiosity sated, they started talking about various musicians and bands that they all liked. Roger preferred to sit and listen. John reached out to press a hand to Roger’s leg. He automatically looked at John in question.

“Okay?”

“Fine.”

Roger quickly turned away again, ignoring John’s worried looks. Instead, he involved himself back into the conversation quickly.

The journey home went past in a blur. Roger continued to let his mind fester.

It seemed like losing John really was inevitable this time. He knew he was being selfish. Lewis was his best friend. But if there was even the slightest chance that John could be happier with somebody else then who was Roger to stand in his way? It would kill Roger to walk away. But he’d do it. For John. It was the least he could do after everything he’d put him through.

John reached for Roger’s hand as they stepped off of the tube.

By the time they got home, Roger felt as if he was being suffocated under the weight of his insecurities.

It had been like that for a while.

His anxieties were even worst whilst he’d been on tour. Especially before each gig. Hence why he’d drank so much. To drown out his thoughts, to try and cope with being away. Cope with the stress of knowing they had so much riding on things going well and wanting to be on top form every night.

He’d neglected to tell all that to John, knowing it’d only cause worry.

Instead, he’d let his fears consume him. To the point that Roger was so sure that he was no good for anybody and everyone would be better off without him again.

He jolted as John brushed a hand against his back as he passed him in the hallway. “Tea?”

Roger gave a small shake of his head as he kicked his shoes off, his blonde hair wild about his face.

“Beer then? I was thinking of having one.”

“No tar. Think I’ll just head to bed. I’ve got the market tomorrow. Fred will kill me if I fall asleep mid-shift again.”

“Again?”

Roger hummed in response as he slowly followed John into the kitchen. “I might have dozed off on my break last Sunday.”

“To be fair, you didn’t get home until late the night before. And your staff quarters are rather cosy.”

Their ­ _staff quarters_ consisted of a privacy sheet so they could eat in peace, and a bench rounded off with blankets and cushions. It was more of a cubbyhole than anything, but still. It was nice enough.

“I don’t think Freddie saw it that way.”

“You know Fred. Bark’s worse than his bite.”

“True.”

John went to flick the kettle on as he replied. “In that case, I’ll make some tea and come join you. I could do with an early night myself, to be honest.”

“Don’t feel the need to rush to bed on my account.”

John flashed him a look as he reached for a mug. “It isn’t? I feel like keeping you company. Is that okay?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“You tell me.” John replied evenly as he waited for the kettle to boil.

Roger sighed loudly, his irritation flaring up far too easily as he remained in the doorway, arms folded across his chest. “I’m not in the mood for mind games tonight, John. You got something to say? Be my guest.”

“Have it your way,” John said as he turned to face Roger more fully. “I gave you chance after chance to speak up and tell me that you didn’t want to go tonight. Even whilst we were there, I offered to leave. You said no every time. So, what’s the issue?”

“Who says there’s an issue?”

“That was almost convincing.”

John was being fair. Reasonable even. It evoked Roger’s anger much quicker than if John had reacted argumentatively. Roger was spoiling for a fight. Because it was easier to let things get to that point. All his frustrations spilled out of his control. Roger let them.

“What the fuck do you want from me, John?” Roger demanded, his voice growing louder. “You want me to say I had a nice time? Yeah, it was great. Loved seeing you all over your ex!”

John stared at him as if he’d grown another head. “You’re so right. How inconsiderate of me! Let’s face it, I was practically in Lewis’s lap by the time our main courses were served.”

John’s sarcasm alongside that mental image flared Roger’s anger further. “This isn’t fucking funny!”

“Well perhaps if you stopped being so bloody ridiculous, I’d take you more seriously! His boyfriend was literally sat in front of us.”

“I’m surprised you noticed,” Roger barked before he could stop himself.

It was too easy to lose himself in the heat of the moment. To lash out before he got hurt. He’d learned from personal experience. It was easier to latch his paranoia and insecurities straight onto John. Even when he’d done nothing wrong to deserve it.

“Grow up Roger! I’m not the one in the wrong! If you’re feeling insecure, it’s because you’re choosing to see things that aren’t there.”

Roger openly scoffed at that. “Well, you would say that.”

“Because it’s the truth, idiot.”

 _Idiot_. The word echoed in Roger’s head horribly.

“That’s me! Roger, the idiot! I don’t know why you sound so surprised. Thought you’d be used to that by now.”

“Enough. You’re clearly looking for a fight, but you won’t get one from me.”

Roger metaphorically reached straight for the self-destruction button at John’s words. “Had enough already, have you? Fine, I’ll do you a favour and get out of your hair.”

John was hot on his trail as he stumbled back through the hallway, rage blinding his judgement.

“What are you talking about? Roger come on, you’re not thinking clearly,” John said far too reasonably as Roger stomped his feet into his pair of converses. “Come to bed and we’ll talk about this in the morning. Once we’ve both calmed down—”

“—I’m fucking calm, John! I’m thinking rationally. I know what I saw! So why don’t you do us both a favour and be honest for once about what you really want! Or _who_ you want.”

John let his head loll backwards, his eyes rolling towards the ceiling in apparent frustration. “This again! Whatever you think you saw, you’re wrong. I promise there’s nothing between me and Lewis—”

“—Sure there’s not!” Roger said as he jiggled his ankles until he had his shoes on properly. “You and him sat there laughing like nobody else existed. You touching him like it was the most natural thing in the world in a way you never have with me! I suppose I imagined all that too, right?”

John watched him shrug into his jacket with wide eyes, his mouth slightly parted. “You’re looking too deeply into things! We were catching up, reminiscing about school, that’s all it was!”

“I don’t believe you!”

“How? How could you not?” John finally shouted over the top of him, his voice tinged with desperation as Roger stepped away from him. “At least trust me not to fuck up everything we have for somebody I’ve not even seen in four years—”

“— _Trust you_?” Roger repeated mockingly. “Let’s face it, you’d probably still be together if it wasn’t for me! So how the hell am I supposed to trust you when you’re all over him like that?”

The words flew out of Roger’s mouth before he could stop them, settling in the air. The damage was done. Roger hated himself more than ever when he saw the level of shock and hurt in John’s eyes.

“ _One_ , I wasn’t fucking all over him. And _two_ , name a time I’ve ever given you reason to doubt me before?”

Roger swallowed thickly in response. It felt like his whole world was collapsing around him, and it was all his fault. Again.

“Whether you like it or not, everything’s changed now that he’s walked back into your life.”

“Not to me, it isn’t.”

Roger wanted to believe him. But he was more terrified about the prospect of getting hurt further down the line.

If he stayed, they’d go round in circles. There was the chance that more would be said that would have the potential to damage everything. He had to get out before he made things any worst. The flat felt too stuffy, too small and suffocating.

“I…I can’t deal with this right now. I need some time. To think clearly.”

“Time away from me, you mean?”

Roger’s guilt clawed at him at the way John said that. At just how devastated he looked by the whole thing. He turned away instead.

“Leaving isn’t the answer. Neither will it help. You can’t just run away and pretend this isn’t happening, Roger!”

John knew him too well. Sometimes that wasn’t a good thing. In fact, it only terrified Roger more. He’d never had it so good.

He sighed when Roger bolted for the door.

“Roger stop! Talk to me!”

He tried to tug him back inside. When Roger managed to shrug him off, John’s frustrations got the better of him.

“I’m sick of this! Sick of you shutting me out the minute that things get too difficult! We’re supposed to be in this together!”

Roger bit his lip, his vision blurring with tears. He was torn between wanting to turn back and never let John go. Or force his legs forwards. Let the dust settle and give John time to inevitably realise that perhaps this wasn’t what he wanted after all.

“Fine! Leave! See if I care. But if you don’t come back in this flat then…well, I guess we’re as good as over. The choice is yours, Roger.”

He thought he was doing the right thing. He felt like John was only denying that he wanted Lewis to spare Roger’s feelings. Which meant him being the one to walk away from everything good in his life. He bit the inside of his cheek hard enough to taste blood as the tears continued to collect in his eyes, the odd traitor one falling down his face.

He got as far as the end of the porch just as he heard the front door slam shut.

Only then, did he kick the wall in temper. His head was spinning. He hated it. Hated how sure he was that John would be better off without him, how much John deserved better. His shoulders shook with the force of his sobs, as he asked himself internally again and again how he could be so stupid.

-o-

Roger spent what felt like hours walking up and down almost every street in London. Until eventually they all began to blur into one.

He only considered giving up the fight once his feet had grown numb from the cold, and his hood no longer protected him from the downpour of rain. He caught the last tube of the night, with seconds to spare.

His face was still a little blotchy, his eyes puffy. He looked like shit, though that might have worked in his favour on this occasion. With that in mind, he raised his fist to knock. He chewed on a fingernail whilst he waited. He was considering giving up just as the door opened.

He struggled not to wince at the sight of Freddie with curlers in his hair, and his silk dressing gown on. He’d clearly woken him up, hence the look of sleepy confusion on his face.

“Roger? Have you got any idea what the bloody time is?”

Roger dropped his gaze guiltily, as he fiddled with his hands. “I’m sorry. Can I stay here tonight? Please? I promise I won’t be a bother.”

“Why? Has something happened between you and John?”

“Look Fred, I don’t—”

Roger paused, more tears collecting in his eyes at the mere mention of John’s name, and how badly he’d fucked things up yet again. He closed his eyes and took deep, even breaths. The last thing he wanted was to cry in front of Freddie. When he spoke, his voice was still a little shaky. “Please…don’t make me talk about it.”

Freddie peered at him softly, hesitancy in his gaze. “Come in then. I’ll put the kettle on, I suppose.”

-o-

Roger woke to a loud bang from somewhere in the flat, followed by the sound of urgent whispers. He groaned in response, pulling the blanket back over his head as the events of the night before flashed through his mind. He wanted to hide away. To run from his problems exactly as John accused him of doing. But in the end, the urge to hear what Freddie and Brian were saying outweighed his fear of facing the consequences of his actions.

Freddie had given him a spare set of Brian’s pyjamas. He’d had to roll the legs up; they were so big on him.

He tip-toed to the door and opened it quietly. He could hear the muffled voices more clearly now.

“—couldn’t just say no, Brian. He sounded really upset. They need to sort this out.”

“I know, I know, I just think that maybe—”

They stopped talking immediately as Roger walked into the kitchen. He was too exhausted to care as he pushed his hair back from his face.

“What’s going on?”

Brian went to flick the kettle on, leaving Freddie to reply.

“John’s coming round. He rang about ten minutes ago, wanting to talk to you.”

Roger nodded as he sat himself at the table. “I suppose you told him I was here then.”

“Well he asked. Was I supposed to lie?”

“No, I didn’t mean—” Roger cut himself off with a sigh, hiding his face in his hands. “It’s fine.”

“No offence but you look as if you could use a coffee, darling. A large one. Brian, get to it.”

“Why do I have to be the one to make it?”

“Because you’re the one stood by the kettle. And I’m busy.”

Roger heard the chair scrape against the floor. He flinched in surprise as he felt Freddie wrap an arm around his neck.

“Sweetie, neither of us know what’s happened. But what we do know is that John loves you. I’m sure if you just talk to him, this can all be sorted out.”

Roger wanted to believe him. But he got the horrible feeling that it was too late. He’d messed it all up forever. John said it himself—it was as good as over.

“I hope so,” Roger could only respond pitifully.

“Well, I know so. It’s obvious how much you mean to him. That feeling is definitely mutual. So just don’t give up hope yet, darling. Okay?”

Roger forced a small, weak nod in response.

Brian set a cup down in front of him and pressed a hand to his shoulder for just a moment. “Get that down you.”

“Thanks Bri.”

He could barely look at John when he headed through the flat. He felt sick with nerves. Instead, he kept his gaze locked on the bowl of slightly overripe fruit in the middle of the table.

“We’ll give you two some space,” Brian announced softly.

“We’ll just be in the living room. Shout if you need anything darlings,” Freddie added.

He heard the quiet click of the living room door as John stepped through to the kitchen. “Alright?”

Roger swallowed thickly at how small John sounded, still not daring to look up at him. He shrugged in response, tracing the stripes in the tablecloth absentmindedly. “I guess. You?”

John huffed in response. “No. Far from it. Did you get any sleep?”

Roger gave a small shake of his head, deciding to be honest. He heard John sigh in response.

“Me neither.”

The silence of the kitchen was broken by the chair scraping against the floor as John took a seat opposite. Slowly, Roger dared to draw his gaze up to his face.

He felt wretchedly guilty as he noticed the dark circles under John’s eyes. Even his hair seemed limp against his broad shoulders.

“I spent all night going over our argument. I kept thinking about how stupid the whole thing was. Pointless even. To me, at least.”

“I know. I know it was.”

“So why are we letting something so miniscule come between us? We’re stronger than that.”

“Maybe we’re not.”

It physically pained him to say it, but Roger did. He was trying to do the right thing for once. For John.

His expression hardened in response.

“And yet you accused me of having had enough already,” John threw his words back at him bitterly, with a shake of his head. “You said we were end-game. You said you’d fight for me, for us, and that you’d never felt this way about anyone else. Or was that recycled rubbish that you use on all your ex’s? Say what you think they want you to hear until you’re done with them. Perhaps that’s why Lucy’s secretly so angry—”

“—Take that back!” Roger shouted, past caring whether Freddie and Brian could hear. John knew the accusation would hurt. Which was exactly why he’d said it. He might have been quieter, but John had the ability to cut Roger down in an instance, if he so chose. “You know that’s not true! You know you’re all I’ve ever wanted—”

“—Then prove it! Don’t just sit there, wallowing! Or was all of that nothing but empty promises to you?” John demanded fiercely. “Because that’s how it feels right now. What else am I supposed to think when you make walking away look so easy?”

Roger quickly looked down at his lap, biting his lip hard until the urge to cry wasn’t so overwhelming. He needed to explain properly why he’d reacted so impulsively. He owed John that much.

“Believe me, John. Walking away from you last night was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

“Except that was a choice _you_ made. Because you don’t trust me. Apparently.”

“I didn’t say I don’t trust you, I just…”

Roger paused long enough to take a deep, shaky breath. It was like he couldn’t help messing things up. The moment things got slightly too good; his mouth ran away with him.

_So how the hell am I supposed to trust you when you’re all over him like that?_

That had been a horrible thing to ask. Even more important though, was how he was ever supposed to put things right again?

He sat up straighter, pushing his hair out of his face, and watching John closely as he spoke. “Be honest with me for a minute. Okay? Do you really believe that you wouldn’t still be with him if it weren’t for the fact that you had to move away?”

John stared back at him incredulously in response. “Seriously? How am I supposed to answer that?”

“By being honest with yourself. Because I think you would be. If it wasn’t for me.”

“ _Christ_ Roger,” John groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. “You weren’t the one to hold me down that day, okay? Just like you weren’t the one to hurt me for all those years. Enough is enough. I’m sick of going over the past all the time. Maybe I’d have still been with Lewis, maybe not. It’s irrelevant. If I didn’t want to be here fighting for us right now, then I wouldn’t be. Trust me, I don’t feel any loyalties to you or anyone else for that matter. I’m with you because _I love you._ And that should be enough for you to trust me not to do something stupid.”

Roger swallowed thickly again in response. He should have remained doing the right thing. Should have told him it wasn’t enough. Should have told him that he thought the best thing to do was to part as friends and count their—

“It is,” he said instead. He didn’t have the willpower to give up John. Not when he was wanted to fight for what they had just as much. “It is enough. And I do trust you.”

“Then why doesn’t it feel like it?” John sighed. “I can deal with you being paranoid. I can deal with your insecurities and your worries that you’re somehow going to lose me. Because I understand why you’re like that. That’s why I’ve been so patient, and why I let myself open up with you. In a way that I never have with anyone else. Well…”

John paused; his gaze locked on Roger’s face. “Alright, so that might not be strictly true. I probably started being like that with Lewis. But we’d been friends for years. And our relationship wasn’t anywhere near as serious. I was only with him for a matter of weeks, and we spent most of that time apart.”

“I know,” Roger said gruffly. “I do get all of that, John.”

“Do you? I don’t know how else to prove that I’m in this for the long-haul just as much as you are.”

“Nothing!” Roger cried a little desperately, sitting forwards and reaching across for John’s hand. He felt some relief when he didn’t immediately pull away. “You don’t have to do anything. I’m the one with the problem. It’s me who needs to figure out a way to stop letting my insecurities come between us.”

John frowned in response. “And how do you suppose you do that?”

“Well firstly, I went online last night and booked a last-minute appointment with Doctor Hale for this afternoon. I thought it might be good to talk to someone with an outsider’s perspective, somebody strictly unbiased. That way, I can at least figure out how not to keep latching all my issues onto you.”

John squeezed his hand in response. “You’re not. We’re supposed to talk about this sort of stuff, to work through it together, as a couple.”

Roger smiled softly in response. “I know, and we will. But most of the problems we have stems from me. Years of having to shut up and get on with it. Pretending I was fine, when really…when secretly, I wanted it all to end.”

John’s expression tightened in response. “Oh Roger.”

Roger blinked back the moisture in his eyes, forcing another smile. “Look, the point is, I know what the problem is. And if my therapist can at least work with me on not to constantly let those problems control me anymore, then…well, it’ll be a start, won’t it?”

John squeezed his hand again. “Definitely.”

“Hell, I’ll even sit through a torturous afternoon talking about my father if I think it’ll be enough to guarantee I don’t fuck everything up.” Roger said as lightly as possible.

“You’re not going to fuck everything up. Nor are you going to lose me. So please stop thinking that you will,” John insisted firmly, his gaze sweet.

It was more than enough of a reassurance. Even if it did make Roger feel more than a little stupid. He’d been an idiot. Just as John accused him of being.

But how could he not be when he’d never had anything as good as John in his life? He’d never been so happy. Never been so content. He took in the way John’s dark hair curtained his lovely face and knew for sure, that this was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

John abruptly sat back in his chair and removed his hand from Roger’s.

“I’d better go, before I’m late. I’m due in work. Only said I’d go in for a couple of hours because Thomas is still off sick, and I’d already offered to help out.”

Roger nodded in response, licking his lips when he found them to be dry. “Fair enough.”

John’s slightly wide eyes trailed over Roger as he reluctantly began to stand. “But we can talk properly later, after your counselling? Back at ours.”

 _Ours_.

It felt comforting to know that their flat was at least still theirs. He’d only been back from the tour just over a week, and he’d already grown accustomed to it being their home.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that.”

Roger’s breath caught in his throat as John reached forwards to tuck his hair behind his ear. His expression had softened, and Roger’s legs felt slightly wobbly at the level of affection in his gaze _._

_All for him._

He felt like the luckiest man alive to have John look at him like that.

“I do love you, you know? Whatever you might think…Lewis will always be just a friend. Which is why I don’t see why I should have to stop talking to him—”

“—I’d never ask you to do that.” Roger insisted firmly. He knew he had no right. He would never put John in that position either.

“But you shouldn’t feel like you have to ask in the first place. Whatever romantic feelings I had for him in the past, they’re dead to me. You and I are the future.”

“Okay. I believe you. I trust you. I do. I promise.”

Maybe that was all Roger needed to hear.

Whatever the reason, Roger felt like a heavy weight had been lifted. All the worry, the stressing, the guilt and the sadness from the last twenty-fours had finally dissipated.

In its wake left Roger, who felt stronger than before. He was more determined than ever to rid himself of his demons, once and for all.

-o-

Roger kicked off his shoes, leaving Brian to shut the front door.

“You didn’t need to wait for me, you know? John shouldn’t be much longer anyway.”

Brian had insisted on keeping him company whilst he went to his therapy session. Then he’d walked him back to the flat.

Brian hummed neutrally in response. “I know. I just thought we haven’t hung out in a while. I’ve not seen much of you since you’ve been back from the tour.”

Roger fought not to frown guiltily. Instead, he covered it up with what he hoped was a convincing smile. “Is that your way of saying you missed me, Bri?”

“It was a surprise to me too.”

Roger laughed as he headed through the hallway, leaving Brian to hang his jacket up. Brian was wittier than people gave him credit for.

“What can I say? I’ve always grown on people. I’m bloody annoying, but I’m also utterly adorable. And I make a decent cup of tea. That’s what my sister tells me anyway.”

“Pretty wise, your sister. Speaking of which, how is Clare these days?” Brian shouted back.

“Great, I think! Haven’t really spoken to her in a few weeks. But last I heard; she’d just got home from a girl’s holiday from Turkey.”

“Nice, lucky for some! Freddie was saying he’d quite like to visit Turkey one day actually.”

“I know! Three years younger, and already getting about more than her big brother. Where’s the justice?” Roger teased as he flicked the kettle on.

Brian headed through the kitchen with a smile. “Ahh, it’s a hard life, isn’t it mate?”

Roger sniffed as he grabbed a cup out from the cupboard. “I’m going to pretend that was more heartfelt than it was sarcastic as you’re such a good friend, Brian.”

“Goes without saying.”

They headed through to the living room, their cups of coffee in hand.

“Sorry if I’ve not been around as much lately. You know how it is. I guess I’ve been kind of wrapped up in other stuff lately. Mainly the band and John.”

“No, I get it. It’s a good thing. It’s been nice to see you so happy.”

Roger smiled as he sat down on the sofa. “Things have been going well. I’m not used to the sensation.”

“Is that what the argument was about this morning? You still not believing you deserve things going well or whatever?” Brian asked softly as he went to sit down next to him.

“Something like that.”

“You don’t have to tell me. But you know what they say. A problem shared is a problem halved.”

“I thought that was what therapy was for?”

Brian snorted in response. “Good point, I suppose. Alright well, satisfy my curiosity a little bit. Did you sort it? You both looked better for talking it out, at least. And you seem kind-of…less troubled since you walked out of therapy this afternoon.”

“I guess yes is the answer to that. To both of those questions.”

“Good. I’m happy to hear that.”

Roger smiled in response as he leaned forwards to sip his coffee. “It’s been a…strange sort of week, that’s all.”

“In what way?”

Roger didn’t see the harm in telling Brian. After all, him and Freddie would inevitably find out about Lewis sooner or later.

“John bumped into Lewis at the pub the night I got back. Think he must have spotted John and came in to say hello.”

Brian raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Oh…bet that was a surprise.”

“Just a bit. Anyway, we had dinner with him and his boyfriend last night. I might have…freaked out, a bit.” Roger admitted with a sigh. “It’s just…they both looked so close, like nothing had changed. And all I could think was…well, that I was losing him. All over again.”

Brian stared back at him evenly in response. “You can’t believe John would cheat on you, surely?”

“Of course not. I know he loves me. And I trust him completely,” Roger said, quickly turning to stare out of the window as his face grew a little pinker. “Despite basically telling him I didn’t last night—”

“—Oh Roger, you didn’t—”

“—I know, I know, I’m an idiot!” Roger groaned in response, just as frustrated with himself.

“Okay so maybe they have history. But that’s all it is. They’ll have looked close because they’ve not seen each other for years and were excited to catch up. I’m sure it was never John’s intention to make you feel like you weren’t part of any of that.”

Roger gave a small nod. “John basically said a similar thing this morning.”

“There you go then,” Brian said firmly. He stared back blankly as Roger turned to look at him. “Why don’t you look more pleased?”

“No, I am. I just…”

Roger sighed as he fiddled with his hands, sprawled in his lap.

“What if he could end up being happier with Lewis, and I’m standing in his way? It’s like I said this morning, they’d probably still be together in the first place, if it wasn’t for me—”

“—You don’t know that. Neither can you take full responsibility for the circumstances that lead to John moving away.”

“He did say that too.”

“Then stop being an idiot. At the very least, don’t you think it’s time you stopped overthinking things and simply let yourself be happy for once?” Brian asked with a shake of his head. He paused long enough to take a sip of his coffee. “John loves you. You love him. You’re both happy. Let that be enough.”

“It is enough.”

Brian rolled his eyes as he set down his cup. “Well then stop trying to play the bloody hero for once in your life. We all make mistakes. It’s part and parcel of being human. You’ve said it plenty of times yourself, who you were at school is not who you are now. So, stop letting the past define you. Otherwise, you really will end up losing John. Is that what you want?”

Roger frowned at him in response. “You know it’s not.”

“Well then. Let it go. Start living in the now.”

“You sound like my therapist. She said pretty much the same thing,” Roger said softly. “Well, that and how my insecurities show that I still don’t really believe that I deserve to have anything good in my life. Said I had a bit of a hero complex too.”

“She’s not wrong,” Brian quickly cut in. “What other advice did she give you anyway?”

“Basically, what you said. Ground myself more in the present. Take things day by day. She also thought it’d be good to get rid of anything that reminded me of the past. Start afresh. Finally shred my suicide letter. Start a new journal, one where I could talk about what I wanted for the future. What things make me happy, talk about good days rather than the bad. Associate the future with positive things. Rather than dwelling on negative things in the past.”

Brian nodded in response. “That sounds quite sensible to me.”

Roger hummed in agreement. “Just got to put it into action, I suppose. Prove that I can do it.”

“You can. Besides, you’re never alone in this, you know that. You’ve got John, me and Freddie. And your sister. I’m sure she’d be just a phone call away if you needed somebody to talk to.”

“Yeah, she would.”

Roger failed to add that he’d unlikely to turn to her about something like this. It wasn’t just him who’d been through a lot, and she had her own life at university, without him bringing more stress to her door.

“Anyway, thanks Bri. For being a mate. I do appreciate it.”

“I know you do,” Brian said, with a hint of a smile. “Just live up to your duties as best man and throw me the best stag night nearer to the wedding, and we’ll say no more about it.”

Roger gave a chuckle at that in response. “Consider it done, mate.”

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long to write! I wanted to have this up by Monday but I wasn't happy with the edit so I edited it again lol. I hope it was worth it, despite all the angst and stuff haha. Please don't hate me, I promise most of this gets sorted in the next chapter haha. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it regardless, and hope you're all keeping safe and well. Whose excited for Christmas? Ideally, I want to get another chapter out ready by next Thursday for Christmas so fingers crossed I can lol. I've had a nightmare week, so looking forward to hopefully de-stressing over the Christmas period! I had a car accident on saturday but luckily nobody was hurt, and the driver admitted responsibility which is one good thing. And lucky, my car isn't too badly damaged so I'm hoping they can fix it. Anyway take care everybody! :) <3


	31. Don't Think About It - Do It!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JOHN'S POV
> 
> There's a flashback to John moving away from Truro, and facing the consequences of such a move. Then the chapter moves onto the present tense, where John deals with the fallout from his argument with Roger...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating for language and smut throughout. Enjoy!

_John wound the telephone cord around his index finger whilst he listened to the dialling tone. His stomach felt as if it was in knots. He wanted to hear his voice, but he was also eager to skip this whole conversation altogether._

_“Hello?”_

_John immediately stopped fiddling. He stared straight ahead at the god-awful photo of himself and his sister from primary school. His heart was beating rapidly in his chest and he couldn’t seem to open his mouth to say something—_

_“Hello?”_

_“Erm…yes…hello…er, Lewis, it’s…it’s me…John.”_

_He metaphorically facepalmed himself at how nervous he sounded. Especially when he was greeted with silence long enough for John to consider if Lewis would put the phone down on him._

_It had been a long month, without barely any contact._

_Instead, he heard Lewis take a sharp intake of breath._

_“Oh…John, hi. How erm…how are you? Sorry, I know that’s a stupid question.”_

_“I’m…better, thank you. I’ve been seeing a therapist. It’s helped a bit. I got my exam results back yesterday too. I got A’s in all the subjects I need, which I guess is something.”_

_“John, that’s amazing news, congratulations!” Lewis said enthusiastically. “I’m glad you’re getting help too, after what you’ve been through.”_

_John hummed in response, unsure of what to say. He was pleased that he didn’t feel so nervous at least. Not now that he’d heard Lewis’s voice. It was almost like nothing had changed. Except, of course it had. Now John lived almost three hundred miles away, and the distance between them seemed to stretch on for eternity._

_“How are you anyway, Lewis? Do you know if you’ve got into college yet?”_

_“Yeah, I got my place confirmed a couple of days ago.”_

_“Good, I’m really pleased for you.”_

_“Thanks, John. That means a lot to hear you say so.”_

_They both went quiet again. John didn’t want to spoil the moment or make it awkward._

_He just missed Lewis so much. The few texts that they’d exchanged had only strengthened that. He’d wanted to ring before, to send reassurance that it was still Lewis he wanted, but it wouldn’t have been fair. He was the one to move. Lewis might have still been dealing with the repercussions of that decision, for all he knew._

_“Listen erm…have you heard about Steven being expelled?”_

_The knot in John’s stomach tightened at the mention of his name. “Mum mentioned it.”_

_“About bloody time, right? It’s just a shame they didn’t do it sooner.”_

_John struggled not to feel bitter about the whole thing when he’d heard. Just when he’d made his peace with knowing that he wouldn’t have to see them again._

_“At least he can’t make anybody else’s life a misery at school.”_

_“I guess there is that,” Lewis agreed mildly._

_More silence followed, broken only by the sound of their breathing, and finally, Lewis clearing his throat quietly. Then he sighed down the other end of the phone._

_“I do miss you. So much. God, you have no idea how desperate I am to be with you right now—”_

_“—So come up.”_

_John said it without thinking. Because he felt just as desperate to see him._

_“I mean…only if you want,” John added when he was greeted with yet more silence. “I miss you too. I know it would mean getting the train which will probably cost a fair bit, but I’ll happily pay for—”_

_“—Yeah, okay. Of course I’ll come and stay. Only if that’s alright with your Mum.”_

_“I’m sure she won’t mind,” John said confidently. “But I’ll ask her, just to make sure. I erm…I told her about you, by the way. She’s fine with it.”_

_Going to counselling had proven to be a good choice. Shortly after starting, John had taken his therapist’s advice and come out to his Mum. Luckily, she’d been overwhelmingly supportive, and not even that surprised. She’d been quick to reassure him that Lewis would be welcome to stay whenever he wanted, hence why John was so sure that she wouldn’t mind._

_“I’m glad you felt able to tell her. I never doubted she’d think any differently of you. She’s amazing, your Mum. And obviously you know that my Mum knows about us too,” Lewis said softly. “Which is good. It means that we don’t have to keep things a secret anymore. Anyway, I’d better get off the phone and start looking at train times.”_

_John smiled in response. “Great. I can’t wait to see you.”_

_“Neither can I,” Lewis said softly. “I erm…I love you, John. I just wanted you to know that. If anything, being apart from you like I have has only confirmed that even more.”_

_John’s smile widened in response. He felt giddy at just the thought of seeing Lewis again. For the first time in weeks, he had something to look forward to. Maybe this could be the new start they both needed._

_“I love you too.”_

_-o-_

_“I love you. God, I love you.”_

_John shivered at the feel of Lewis’s breath against his skin. His hand sped up a little against his cock, and Lewis hummed in response as he leaned forwards to kiss him._

_Any lingering nervousness John might have felt about his impending visit had faded the minute he’d seen Lewis stood waiting at the train station._

_He had been a little worried that seeing him again had the potential to bring all those bad memories rushing back to the surface. Instead, he’d been relieved to see him. It was like a part of him had been missing this whole time, and he hadn’t even realised it._

_His Mum and Julie welcomed Lewis with open arms. They’d grown closer than ever over the course of the weekend._

_During the nights, Lewis had held onto John just that little big tighter. Particularly when John woke himself up from his night terrors._

_John was more in love with him than he’d ever been. He wanted to prove just how much._

_So he waited for his sister to go to school and his Mum to go to work, and then he proceeded to make them breakfast in bed. It seemed almost inevitable that that had quickly spiralled into them kissing and touching. It felt natural for John to tug him closer, their bodies aligning in the best way._

_“Fuck…that feels so good. I love you touching me like this.”_

_John ducked his head to kiss him again. Then he pulled back purely just so that he could take in the look of pleasure in his eyes. He loved knowing it was caused by his hand. Knowing that he had the power to make Lewis feel as good as he made him._

_“I love being able to touch you like this.”_

_Lewis moaned as John’s hand tightened against him slightly and he stroked his cock down to the base. His own hand tugged at John’s hair softly in response._

_“Can we…hmm…can I fuck you? Please? I really want to.”_

_John hummed in agreement far too easily. “Yeah, okay.”_

_Lewis watched John reach for a condom with dark, heavy eyes. He occupied himself by grabbing the bottle of lube, and then shyly meeting John’s gaze when he turned back to face him._

_“Is this still okay? We can still stop if you want—”_

_“—Lewis, I’m good. Honestly.”_

_John had lost count of the times Lewis had checked in with him. He was touched by his thoughtfulness. He knew he was only asking because he didn’t want John to feel any pressure to do anything, especially after what happened just before he left Truro. But John wanted this just as much._

_Lewis nodded in response, a hint of hesitation still in his eyes._

_“Let me know if that changes at any time, and we’ll stop straight away. I mean it, John. If you feel uncomfortable, please make sure you say something.”_

_John responded by leaning forwards and kissing him again, long and slow. Lewis relaxed under his touch._

_“I promise I’ll tell you. I love you.”_

_“Good. Good, okay.”_

_Being intimate with Lewis was nothing like what happened with Steven and the rest. He knew that. It was mutual, for starters._

_Lewis was patient, gentle, kind and loving. Everything they’d never be. He cared so deeply that John knew he’d never hurt him. He trusted him with his life._

_He traced John’s skin with the softest of touches, and he seemed hesitant as his hand slowly drew closer to the inside of John’s thigh. He met John’s eyes as he gradually began to stroke his cock. He made sure John was okay the whole time._

_John loved Lewis touching him so intimately. It made him feel as if he was on fire, in the best way._

_When John looked at him, he was okay. He remembered he was safe in his own bed, with Lewis nestled carefully over the top of him._

_But then his eyes fluttered closed, and he was reliving it all over again. Just like he did every night. Except being touched like that, seemed to make it more real._

_Hands rough against his skin, leaving bruises in their wake. John cold and whimpering on the shower floor as his underwear was dragged away from him._

_It was almost as if John had Steven’s face from that day imprinted into his brain. No escape. The way he’d smirked as he told him exactly what he was going to do to him—_

_John’s chest suddenly felt tight, the weight of his panic tugging him under its current, until he felt like he could barely breathe. Before he could comprehend what was happening, he was gasping, desperately clutching at air as he hyperventilated._

_Lewis reacted instantly, moving away to sit beside him, his hand warm against John’s back. He spoke calmly and slowly, getting John to focus on his voice, to count backwards from ten, and to breath in slowly through his nose and out through his mouth._

_Once it was over, John was left drained of energy and overwhelmingly embarrassed. His hands were still shaking, his breathing not quite even. It was supposed to be over. He hated being so easily overwhelmed by something that had already happened. It made him feel weak. He never wanted to feel that way again._

_“How are you feeling?” Lewis asked softly as he continued to stroke John’s back._

_John sighed in response. He was damaged goods, no good for anyone, especially not Lewis._

_“Embarrassed.”_

_“Don’t say that. You’ve got no reason to feel embarrassed, John. What those…fucking arseholes did to you was evil. It was bound to leave a mark. It would be enough to affect the strongest kind of person.”_

_“But what if I can never fully move on because of this?” John asked as he looked at Lewis, worry in his eyes. “I love you. So much. And I want to give you every part of me. But what if I no longer can? I’d fucking hate that, Lewis.”_

_“You just need time, John,” Lewis insisted softly. “You’ve been through so much. It’s going to take time to heal. It just means we have to take things a little slower. That’s fine by me. I’m more than happy to wait, if that’s what you’re worried about. You’re the one that I want. It’s always been you. It always will be. We’ll get through this, one day at a time. Together.”_

_John liked the sound of that. Lewis was all he’d ever want. He just hoped Lewis was right about needing time to heal. He nodded in response, taking Lewis’s hand. “Together.”_

_-o-_

_He was officially done with everything. He felt broken beyond repair._

_There didn’t seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel anymore. He was plagued with fear, night after night._

_Lewis couldn’t want him like this. Why would he?_

_John had come to the realisation that nothing would be enough to truly fix himself._

_They lived too far apart and it wasn’t fair to keep stringing Lewis along. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to go back to Truro. It would mean Lewis constantly being the one to travel, and for what? For somebody who could barely tolerate being touched? He wasn’t the same person anymore. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever be like that again._

_That phone call had been the hardest thing he’d ever had to make._

_He stayed in his room all day. Switched his mobile off and curled up on his bed. His heart felt as if it had literally shattered into a million pieces, never to be whole again. He wasn’t even sure he’d ever be able to love anyone again, not the way he did with Lewis. It all hurt too much. He literally wanted to die, he just wanted it all to be over. Either that, or never feel anything ever again._

_He cried for hours, telling himself that he’d made the right decision. He was being cruel to be kind by giving Lewis up. He was setting him free. It was easier this way._

_He ignored his Mum’s attempts to cheer him up or get him to eat._

_And then, he heard the door quietly click open again. He sighed, turning his face further to hide against the pillow._

_“I’m fine, Mum. I just need a bit of space to deal with it, that’s all—”_

_“—It’s not Mum.”_

_Julie’s quiet voice caught him off-guard._

_“Oh. Well, I’m fine, Julie. You can tell Mum—”_

_“—I just wanted to say goodnight.”_

_He sniffed in response, quickly drying his eyes with the back of his hand, before reluctantly forcing himself to sit up and face her._

_She was a petite eleven-year-old. Just like he’d been when he’d first started secondary school. She was skinny and small, with her dark hair pulled back from her face in pretty pigtails. She was wearing adorable Minnie Mouse pyjamas too._

_“Yeah, yeah, of course, sorry,” John apologized gruffly once he’d cleared his throat. Even though it was already obvious he’d been crying. He could feel how puffy his eyes still were for himself._

_Luckily, she said nothing as she stepped further into his room and gave her brother a sympathetic smile. Which immediately made John feel worst._

_It had been Julie’s first week at school. He shouldn’t have been moping, feeling sorry for himself like he was. He was being neglectful to his big brother duties, on top of everything else._

_“Night kiddo,” John said with a tight smile, sitting at the edge of the bed, and leaning forwards to give her a hug._

_“I’m only five years younger.”_

_“Yes, you are. And don’t forget it,” he said as lightly as possible as she went to hug him back._

_“How can I with you reminding me every day?”_

_“That’s practically my job as your big brother.”_

_She gave a huff of laughter in response, her breath tickling his neck slightly._

_“I heard you telling Mum about breaking up with Lewis before school this morning.”_

_He immediately tensed in response, his stomach twisting painfully at the mention of his name. He began to try and pull away, but she held on to him slightly tighter._

_“Jules—”_

_“—I don’t understand what’s happened. Not properly. Mum keeps saying that it’s complicated whenever I ask her about it.”_

_“It is. It’s not something for you to worry about either.”_

_“But I do! Because I can see you’re upset. And I just wanted you to know that you can talk to me whenever if you wanted to. If it would help. Because yes, you’re annoying when you want to be, but you’re also my big brother, and I love you. At the risk of sounding all mushy and…bleh!”_

_John smiled a little in response, comforted by Julie’s sweet concern. He gave her one last gentle squeeze, before pulling back to look at her._

_“Thank you. That’s easily got to be the nicest things you’ve ever said to me.”_

_She wrinkled her nose in response. “Don’t get too used to it. I’ll still happily kick your arse when we race on our bikes this weekend.”_

_He gave a quiet chuckle at her choice of words, knowing that their Mum hated either of them swearing. But as it was said with good intentions, he definitely wouldn’t be the one to grass her up._

_“Alright, you’re on. Love you sis.” John said fondly, before he ruffled her hair, knowing it would only annoy her. “Now come on, bed. Before Mum strings us both up.”_

_-o-_

By the time that the morning sunlight began to creep through his bedroom window, John had given up all hope of sleep. Instead, he found himself on his third cup of coffee as he paced the length of the living room, chewing anxiously on a fingernail as his thoughts continued to race.

He had a feeling about where Roger had gone. He’d reluctantly given him the course of the night to cool down, to think more rationally.

It had been almost impossible. For John, at least.

He’d wanted to run after him. But they were both angry and he didn’t want either of them to say something else they might regret. He’d wanted to tell him he was being stupid. Tell him he didn’t really mean it when he said they were over. He felt sick at the very thought. It was the last thing he wanted.

Now John had had all night to stew over it. If he had any doubt about how he felt, then he certainly didn’t after last night.

He waited until after seven before he called. Roger loathed early mornings just as much as Freddie. He rang the houseline, terrified that Roger would ignore his call. Freddie had answered after the third ring, by which point, John had resumed pacing again. He barely waited for Freddie to finish saying hello.

“Freddie _hey_ , listen, is Roger there? I need to talk to him. It’s really important.”

He was met with silence. It was long enough for John to feel thoroughly agitated. He was about to follow up his request with a huffy _well_? Just as Freddie began to reply.

“He’s still asleep. I assume. Neither of us have heard a murmur out of him since we all padded off to bed last night.”

That hadn’t been the answer John was hoping for. His stomach twisted at the thought of Roger somehow being less troubled by them breaking up. Maybe Roger didn’t need him as much as he’d thought. Maybe this was the excuse Roger had been looking for to get out.

John swallowed thickly at the thought. _God, how he hoped that wasn’t the case._

“Look, I don’t want to get involved. I probably did too much of that before you and him got together, and now…well, it puts me and Brian in a difficult position. If things between you and him do end up…souring.”

“Has Roger said anything to you about what happened?”

“No. Not a thing. In fact, I could barely get a word out of him when he showed up at our door late last night. Brian gave him a pair of his pyjamas to wear, I gave him a large whiskey and sent him off to sleep in the living room, and that was pretty much that.”

John sighed in response. He felt guilty for ringing Freddie like he was, but stronger than that, was the fear that he might really have lost Roger forever. Over something so silly too.

“I’m not asking to get involved. Or Brian. But I need to sort this out, Freddie. You must see how much he means to me. I’m terrified that I’ve lost him for good, and I just really need to see him—”

“—So come over.”

John was so surprised that he stopped pacing. “Really? You’ll let me?”

“I can’t exactly stop you, can I? You said it yourself. You two need to sort this out. Regardless of what has or hasn’t been said, he loves you, and you love him. I might not have been his biggest supporter in the beginning, but…” Freddie trailed off with a sigh. “Even I can admit he’s proved me wrong. There. I said it. He adores you, and you seem to make each other happy, which is all that matters. So if you want to be with him as much as you say you do then come over here and fight for your man.”

John didn’t need to be told twice.

He was round there within half an hour. His hand shook slightly as he raised it to knock gently. Then he wiped both against the front of his jeans, trying not to fidget. The coffee had made him feel slightly jittery, but at least he felt awake enough to reason with Roger.

Freddie’s eyes widened as soon as he opened the front door.

John already reasoned he probably didn’t look his best. His hair had gone frizzy from the stress of it all and the way he’d pulled at it for most of the night. Given the fact that he was also running on just caffeine and nervous energy and the fact he hadn’t been able to stomach eating anything this morning, he probably looked a little pale too.

“Oh sweetie, did you get any sleep at all?” Freddie cried in concern as he stepped forwards to hug him. John responded by letting his arms drift around him weakly.

“A bit,” he said as evenly as possible. Freddie hummed disbelievingly as he stepped back again to look over John far too closely.

“Roger doesn’t look much better. I hope to god you both get this sorted, otherwise, I swear I’ll bang your heads together.”

John was too exhausted to pretend to smile. Instead, he followed Freddie through the flat silently, his anxiety spiking with every step that he took.

Roger was slumped in one of the chairs at the kitchen table, his expression pinched, and his gaze locked on the pinstriped tablecloth.

Brian was stood by the side of the kitchen, looking between them worriedly. “We’ll give you two some space.”

Freddie took his hand and tugged him out into the hallway and towards the living room. “We’ll just be in the living room. Shout if you need anything darlings.”

John waited for the click of the living room door. Then he began to force his feet forwards, his gaze glued to the sadness in Roger’s eyes. Somehow, it seemed worst. Seeing him just as obviously upset. “Alright?”

He cursed himself internally. It was a stupid thing to ask.

Roger’s shoulders lifted a little into a weak shrug in response. “I guess. You?”

John exhaled in a huff. He was about as far to alright as he could possibly imagine. It was almost on par to how he’d felt after he’d left school in Truro. “No. Far from it. Did you get any sleep?”

Roger shook his head once. John could only sigh in response. “Me neither.”

He hated how quiet Roger was. It was unusual to say the least. He let the chair scrape against the floor, breaking the deafening silence between them as he sat opposite. Only then, did Roger look up. He seemed just as tired. His blonde hair was a little dishevelled, which was unusual for Roger, given his penance for making sure he looked good, especially if he was going out.

Seeing how torn-up Roger was, had John yearning to be honest with him.

“I spent all night going over our argument. I kept thinking about how stupid the whole thing was. Pointless even. To me, at least.”

“I know. I know it was.”

“So why are we letting something so miniscule come between us? We’re stronger than that.”

“Maybe we’re not.”

Roger’s lack of emotion was more than John could bear. It filled him with anger. Because if he could give up on them so easily, he had to ask himself whether Roger really loved him in the first place?

Perhaps all of this was karma. For John breaking both Lewis’s and his own heart when he was sixteen. For not fighting like he should have done back then.

But this was different in every way.

Roger had somehow wormed his way into his heart irrevocably. He’d caught him by surprise. And now, Roger was his future. Whatever might come their way, John wanted to face it with _him_ by his side. So how could Roger think like that?

“And yet you accused me of _having had enough already_. You said we were end-game. You said you’d fight for me, for us, and that you’d never felt this way about anyone else. Or was that recycled rubbish that you use on all your ex’s? Say what you think they want you to hear until you’re done with them. Perhaps that’s why Lucy’s secretly so angry—”

“—Take that back! You know that’s not true! You know you’re all I’ve ever wanted—”

“—Then prove it!” John demanded fiercely. “Don’t just sit there, wallowing! Or was all of that nothing but empty promises to you? Because that’s how it feels right now. What else am I supposed to think when you make walking away look so easy?”

Roger’s gaze quickly moved back to his lap, biting the corner of his bottom lip roughly as he inhaled slightly shakily. “Believe me, John. Walking away from you last night was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

John could only feel bitter about that. Given it wasn’t something he had to _do_ exactly. “Except that was a choice _you_ made. Because you don’t trust me. Apparently.”

“I didn’t say I don’t trust you, I just…”

Roger paused again to take another shaky breath. Then he sat up straighter, turning his bright blue eyes back to rest on John as he pushed his hair out of his face.

“Be honest with me for a minute. Okay? Do you really believe that you wouldn’t still be with him if it weren’t for the fact that you had to move away?”

John hesitated, with his mouth slightly parted. It felt like a trick question. There couldn’t possibly be a right answer because he’d never know himself for sure. How was he possible supposed to answer that? Roger huffed when asked as much.

“By being honest with yourself. Because I think you would be. If it wasn’t for me.”

“ _Christ_ Roger,” John groaned in response. He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. How many more times would they have to deal with this? How many more times would John have to reassure him that he’d forgiven him, and that it was only him that he wanted?

“You weren’t the one to hold me down that day, okay? Just like you weren’t the one to hurt me for all those years. Enough is enough. I’m sick of going over the past all the time. Maybe I’d have still been with Lewis, maybe not. It’s irrelevant. If I didn’t want to be here fighting for us right now, then I wouldn’t be. Trust me, I don’t feel any loyalties to you or anyone else for that matter. I’m with you because _I love you._ And that should be enough for you to trust me not to do something stupid.”

“It is,” Roger said softly. “It is enough. And I do trust you.”

John sighed in response. “Then why doesn’t it feel like it? I can deal with you being paranoid. I can deal with your insecurities and your worries that you’re somehow going to lose me. Because I understand why you’re like that. That’s why I’ve been so patient, and why I let myself open up with you. In a way that I never have with anyone else. Well…”

John hesitated, undecided on whether to tell Roger what he must have already known. That he’d been about as close to Lewis as two people could be. Until he’d left school.

“Alright, so that might not be strictly true. I probably started being like that with Lewis. But we’d been friends for years. And our relationship wasn’t anywhere near as serious. I was only with him for a matter of weeks, and we spent most of that time apart.”

“I know. I do get all of that, John.”

“Do you? I don’t know how else to prove that I’m in this for the long-haul just as much as you are.”

“Nothing!”

Roger’s eyes grew wide as he sat forwards in his chair and reached for John’s hand. His touch was like a soothing balm to the flare of anxiety bubbling up inside of John.

“You don’t have to do anything. I’m the one with the problem. It’s me who needs to figure out a way to stop letting my insecurities come between us.”

John frowned at him uncertainly. “And how do you suppose you do that?”

“Well firstly, I went online last night and booked a last-minute appointment with Doctor Hale for this afternoon. I thought it might be good to talk to someone with an outsider’s perspective, somebody strictly unbiased. That way, I can at least figure out how not to keep latching all my issues onto you.”

The thought that Roger believed that was horrible to John. Yes, he was sick of Roger blaming himself for the past. But they were a team. All John wanted was to move past this as a couple. It seemed like the only way to do that was by talking properly. And not flying off of the handle.

“You’re not. We’re supposed to talk about this sort of stuff, to work through it together, as a couple,” John said as he squeezed Roger’s hand comfortingly.

Roger gave a tight smile in response.

“I know, and we will. But most of the problems we have stems from me. Years of having to shut up and get on with it. Pretending I was fine, when really…when secretly, I wanted it all to end.”

John knew that the only way for Roger to get better was by talking about it. But he hated how he talked about his attempted suicide like it was nothing. It still devastated him to think there was almost a time where Roger would have been just been gone. It seemed too cruel to imagine.

“Oh Roger.”

Roger blinked more rapidly as he forced another tense smile. “Look, the point is, I know what the problem is. And if my therapist can at least work with me on not to constantly let those problems control me anymore, then…well, it’ll be a start, won’t it?”

He squeezed his hand again. “Definitely.”

“Hell, I’ll even sit through a torturous afternoon talking about my father if I think it’ll be enough to guarantee I don’t fuck everything up.”

John smiled in sympathy as his gaze trailed across his face, recognizing the way he was trying to lighten the mood. John only wanted to reassure him.

“You’re not going to fuck everything up. Nor are you going to lose me. So please stop thinking that you will.”

He reluctantly pulled away and stood back up again. What he wanted was to stay, to make the time to check that him and Roger really were okay. But unfortunately, duty called.

“I’d better go, before I’m late. I’m due in work. Only said I’d go in for a couple of hours because Thomas is still off sick, and I’d already offered to help out.”

Roger nodded, running his tongue over his lips. “Fair enough.”

John watched him stand too. It was like now that he’d almost lost him, he couldn’t bear to look away. Instead, his gaze lingered once again on his beautiful blue eyes, his button nose, his full lips, and his dirty blonde hair. He loved every part of him unconditionally. The good and the bad. In a way he never had with anyone else.

“But we can talk properly later, after your counselling? Back at ours.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that.”

John reached forwards before he could stop himself, tucking Roger’s hair behind his ear slowly. He ached to linger further, ached to lean closer and kiss him.

“I do love you, you know? Whatever you might think…Lewis will always be just a friend. Which is why I don’t see why I should have to stop talking to him—”

“—I’d never ask you to do that.” Roger said quickly.

“But you shouldn’t feel like you have to ask in the first place. Whatever romantic feelings I had for him in the past, they’re dead to me. You and I are the future.”

“Okay. I believe you. I trust you. I do. I promise.”

“Good.”

John chose that moment to step forwards, toe to toe with Roger. The knot in his stomach loosened as soon as their lips met. He kissed him with all the emotion from the last twenty-four hours. Roger sighed in response, his hand coming to cradle against John’s face.

It was in that moment John realised he was wrong. That flat wasn’t his home anymore. Roger was.

-o-

Lucy was less than impressed when John finally made it into work. She held up her arms in question, her eyebrows furrowed in anger as she watched him pass by her and Peter quickly.

“What the fuck, John? You’re over half an hour late!”

“I know, I’m sorry, okay? I’ll be straight out, I promise.”

She didn’t have time to reply, as she was still halfway through serving an older lady and her friend their cups of tea.

John ended up working a couple more hours than planned, and he was desperate to get out and get home. His head hadn’t been in the game, but luckily, it had been so busy, he hadn’t had much time to think about anything else.

Lucy caught him on his way out, snatching his bag from his locker.

“Thanks for today. Abigail’s just arrived to help, so I can finally have my break.”

“It was no bother. Sorry again for being late.”

Lucy seemed calmer than this morning. John was at least grateful for that, given that they were still barely on speaking terms.

“You’re forgiven. It’s not like you though. If anything, you’re usually half an hour early.”

John hesitated as he slung his backpack over his shoulder. He was in a rush. But this was the most Lucy had spoken to him for over a month.

“I’ve just got… _stuff_ going on, I suppose.”

She huffed in response as she went to sit down on the staff sofa. “If by _stuff_ , you mean a certain blonde arsehole, then take my advice. Do the smart thing and dump his stupid arse. He’s not worth the hassle.”

John immediately felt defensive at her advice. He was exhausted from lack of sleep, and he was ratty. “You would say that. Because he broke your heart, and you hate him for it.”

“No, I’m saying that because he’s a good for nothing twat, who’ll inevitably end up hurting you too, and you deserve better—”

“—Well I didn’t ask for your opinion, did I?” John snapped, slamming his locker door shut in temper. “You don’t know him like I do, nor do you have any idea about what he’s been through. So next time you feel like passing judgement, don’t bother, because I don’t want to hear it.”

She stared back at him with slightly wide eyes, her mouth dropping open in surprise.

John couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. He’d never spoken to her like that. Even still, he meant every word when it came to Roger.

“I appreciate you’re saying all that because you care. And Roger’s an arse for what he did to you. A conversation we’ve already had. But me and him are… _different_ ,” John rolled his eyes as he said that. “A cliché, but it’s true. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I love him. _Really_ love him. And he loves me. I hate it when we argue. I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else, not until it gets sorted.”

She nodded in response, watching him carefully. “So why are you arguing exactly? Because I’ve never seen you this worked up about anything, John, so it must be pretty bad.”

John pushed his hair back with a sigh, deciding to be honest. She deserved that, given that it had been affecting his work. “My ex-boyfriend has unexpectedly come back into our lives. Roger got kind of…jealous, I guess.”

“Was it serious between you and this ex?”

“Sort of. He was my first boyfriend. I guess I’ve always been Roger’s first love, or at least the first person he’s ever liked like that, so it’s different for him. Anyway, the point is, it shouldn’t affect my work any further. He’s waiting back at home so we can talk through things properly.”

“Sounds like you two need that.” Lucy said carefully. “Don’t worry if you can’t make your early shift tomorrow morning. I can cover it if you two still need to…well, you know.”

John gave a small smile of gratitude in response. “Thanks. But it should be fine.”

“Okay,” she nodded, her expression even. “You’re right, by the way. I do despise the bloke. But more than that, I care about you. I still wish you’d have told me about the two of you sooner, but…I guess I get why you didn’t. It wasn’t like I reacted very well to the news.”

John stood, uncertain on where she was going with this. “Understandable though.”

“I guess what I’m trying to say is…sorry, for how I’ve handled things. You’re a good friend. You’re definitely not a coward. I was lashing out when I said that. I didn’t really mean it.”

“It’s forgotten about.”

“Good,” she smiled in response. “Can we just…start afresh? And next time you need a friend, you can talk to me about whatever it is, and I promise not to be my usual judgemental-self.”

It was a relief to hear Lucy say that things between them were at least sorted. “You’re not judgemental. You just…care, a lot. I understand that, trust me. But erm…thanks Lucy.”

-o-

John shut the front door louder this time and kicked off his shoes lazily. The flat descended into silence ad he headed through the hallway, holding the small paper bag tighter in his hand. They were both sat in the living room, their gazes locked on the doorway John was hovering in.

Brian immediately stood, clearing his throat as he set his cup down. “Alright John? I was just thinking of making a move. I promise I’d meet Freddie after uni, so that we could go through the guest list for the wedding. We still need to cut it down a bit more.”

John gave a small nod in response, his gaze quickly moving past him. Roger was now looking out of the window, his right leg bouncing nervously.

Brian bid his goodbyes and quickly left them to it.

John waited until the front door shut to speak. “I think we need a proper chat.”

Roger turned back; his expression neutral as he watched John move to sit on the other end of the sofa. “Yeah, I guess we do.”

He set the bag down in the middle of them with a quiet thud.

“What’s that?”

“Open it.”

So, Roger did. He pulled out the leather-bound journal. It was a little plain, but the best that John could find on one of the stalls at short notice.

“It’s a journal.”

“Well spotted,” John teased. “I overheard you talking to Brian. Some of it anyway. I figured if you were going to take your therapist’s advice seriously then you’d need a new one.”

“You didn’t…you didn’t have to do that.”

“I know but I wanted to. Sometimes it’s good to start afresh. Sometimes…it’s easier that way.”

Roger set aside the journal and eyed John curiously from underneath his long eyelashes. “Sometimes.”

John stared at his lap, using a finger to run along the seam of his jeans as he talked. “I might not have told you the whole story about Lewis. Or at least about why or how we broke up.”

“So…you weren’t the one to break up with him?”

“No, I was, but…there were reasons. Some of which you already know, obviously. Some…you don’t.”

Roger gave a small nod. “Okay. I’m listening.”

“I explained how all I wanted to do was forget that day in the changing room. How I felt weak and ashamed and how it felt as if I’d somehow let it get to that point.”

“Which I told you made no sense. You did nothing wrong. You did nothing to provoke them.”

John shrugged. “Regardless, it was how I felt at the time. Therapy forced me to talk about it. Forced me to deal with it. Eventually.”

Roger frowned in response. “And that’s why you broke up with Lewis?”

“Basically,” John said carefully, still avoiding his gaze. “I told you we were only together for a few weeks, which we were…roundabout. Lewis came up to see me not long after I moved. We erm…we tried for a bit. To keep the relationship going. But all I could think was _why would he want somebody like me_? I had nightmares all the time, flashbacks. I could barely tolerate being touched. Not like… _that_ anyway. So, I did the right thing. I thought maybe he wouldn’t feel as if he was tied to me, you know? He could move on. It took a long time to get over school, and Lewis. I told you I wanted to die too. That wasn’t an exaggeration. I felt like I had nothing left to give.”

He took a deep breath, wiping his clammy hands against his jeans.

“Anyway, I didn’t hear from him again. I changed my number, deleted him from social media, and concentrated on getting into university instead. That became the only thing that mattered. And eventually, it became…easier. I met Freddie. I went out more. I had the odd nightmare, but nothing compared to before. I had healthy relationships. I was happy. And then—”

“—Then I walked back into your life,” Roger interrupted quietly. “God, I bet you needed that like a hole in the head.”

“Maybe not, at the time,” John shrugged, slowly meeting his worried gaze. “Regardless, it doesn’t matter. It brought old feelings back to the surface. But it also brought new ones. You taught me not to overthink everything. To listen to my heart.” He paused to wince a little in response. “At the risk, of uttering my second cliché of the day.”

Roger stared back at him with furrowed brows. “Second?”

“Long story,” John said with a roll of his eyes. “The point is that clearly me and Lewis weren’t as strong as I thought we were at the time. I ended things at the risk of losing him forever. I didn’t even try to fight for him, not really. But I was so angry with you for walking away. I hated you shutting me out like that. The whole night, all I could think was how desperate I was to fix things. How willing I was to make sure I didn’t lose you.”

Roger nodded; his gaze locked on the coffee table. He pursed his lips in thought as John continued.

“You know I’m not very good with talking about my feelings. But what I’m trying to say is that if I felt even half as strongly about Lewis as I do about you, I’d have sought him out a long time ago. Yes, it was a shock to see him again. A good one. Not because I want to get back with him. But because he was my best friend, and yeah, maybe I’ve missed not having him in my life. But all of that is separate from us being together.”

Roger nodded again, his expression soft and faraway. “Okay. I understand…I think.”

John hesitated, his gaze flickering over Roger’s features softly. Enjoying a moment to take him in. Then he shuffled over on the sofa and reached for Roger’s hand. His skin was warm. It eased all of the worry John had felt over the last eighteen hours.

“This could be the perfect opportunity for all three of us to start afresh. But what I want more is for me and you to stop dwelling about the past. Forget everything else apart from how we feel right now.”

“Well, I definitely feel stupid. For kicking up such a fuss. For letting things get to me so easily.”

“You shouldn’t. You’ve always believed that you don’t deserve anything good. I understand that more than most,” John said softly. “That doesn’t mean it’s true. Just…try not to worry too much, please. Or keep doubting how I feel. I love _you_. The only person I want to be with is _you_.”

“Same here.”

“Then we’re on the same page,” John said confidently. “I know our argument last night was shit, but maybe going through this will make us stronger, which can only be a good thing. Don’t you think?”

“Definitely.”

“Right then.”

Roger gave a weak smile in response. “Look, erm…there might have been more reasons as to why I flew off the handle so quickly last night.”

“What do you mean?” John asked, unable to keep the worry from his voice. “Such as what?”

“I’ve been having a bit of an anxiety flare-up.”

John’s heart sank in response. “What? Why didn’t you say anything before?”

“Ultimately, because I thought it would go away, I guess,” Roger admitted quietly. His face grew slightly pink. “I was anxious about being away from you before it even happened. And then it got worst on tour, and I got a bit homesick, and then I started to worry about the band, given we had everything riding on the tour doing well. So, I started drinking quite a bit more to cope. That’s why I passed out that night. Plus, I was showing off a bit like I said.”

John felt sick at the thought of Roger battling with something like that. All whilst dealing with it alone. “I wish I’d known. I’d have been there for you. I might have been able to help in some way.”

“I know. I’m sorry, John.” Roger said softly, gazing at him carefully through his long eyelashes. “You know me. I wear a hero complex like a badge of honour.”

John knew he was probably only making light of the situation to make him feel better. Even when he was low, Roger was thinking of him. He squeezed his hand in response, desperate to be there for him now.

“Did you tell Doctor Hale how you’d been feeling?”

“I did, yeah. But I might have left that detail out when I spoke to Brian earlier. He’d only worry. Same as I knew you would.” Roger admitted sheepishly. “I told her how when I got back, and saw you again, it was like none of it mattered. All of my anxiety seemed to be back under control.”

John sighed in response, knowing where he was going with that. “And then I told you about bumping into Lewis again. I made it worst.”

Roger was already shaking his head before he could finish that thought. “No. No, you didn’t. Obviously, it didn’t help, but you can’t walk on eggshells, worrying about what might or might not set me off. But I went back to believing that I wasn’t good enough. I convinced myself that I was somehow in the way of you being truly happy. Anyway, I told her all of that too. We talked about my childhood again. About how I always perceive the bad things that happen to people I love, to be my fault, regardless if it’s true or not. Hence why I blame myself for not speaking up enough against my father. Or against the people who bullied you. That’s why I always have this vendetta about fucking things up for myself when things seem too good to be true. Hence why she told me to get rid of anything that reminded me of the past. Focus on the future by writing about it.”

“Good. And I’ll be by your side every step of the way.”

Roger looked slightly taken aback by John’s words. There was a hint of a smile on his face. Then he leaned forwards and kissed him softly. John allowed himself to be lost in the sensation of Roger’s hand in his hair.

“I love you. You’re honestly amazing for supporting me like you do. It means everything, and I will get better at this, I swear.” Roger whispered softly, his breath tickling John’s lips. His eyes were big and blue, and sincere. “I’ll probably get flare-ups every now and again. But I promise not to bottle it up anymore, because I know it doesn’t help either of us when I do. So if I’m struggling, I vow to tell you straight away. That way, we can deal with it together. Just like we do with everything.”

John responded by leaning forwards, and kissing Roger once more. Then he smiled against his lips. “ _Together_.”

-o-

“Wait, wait, wait! Don’t look! Turn around!”

John frowned in response, remaining rigid at the side of the hallway. He’d only just taken his shoes off and rounded the corner to find Roger rushing to close their bedroom door so that it was on a jar, and loitering in front of it rather suspiciously. The rosy cheeks and wide eyes also easily gave away that he was definitely up to something.

“I thought you’d be gone longer! I’ve not finished the surprise yet.”

“Surprise? What surprise?” John asked blankly. He tried not to let his panic show as he reeled of anything he might have forgotten. Any important days. It was the end of September. Their birthdays had long gone. It was a while until Christmas. Unless…

“Was you being serious when you said you planned on commemorating _every_ month that we’re together?”

The first month, Roger had treated him to dinner and brought him flowers. The second month, he’d taken John to a couple of Soho clubs, despite Roger’s detest of dancing. He’d then followed that by hauling a slightly merry John home past midnight, pinning him to every available surface in their flat and showing him just _how_ appreciative he was of John putting up with him for exactly two months. Those were his exact words, in fact. John would have made light about how he’d been away for a month of that time, so in theory, he’d made it almost easy for him. But he was rather more preoccupied by the sensation of firstly, Roger’s warm mouth around his cock. And then, the hypnotic sensation of being inside of Roger’s tight heat…

He shook his thoughts away, momentarily distracted by the thought of that night. Only to realise Roger was mid-sentence.

“…besides our three-month anniversary was last weekend. And I missed that because I was…well, you know. Being a jealous prick.”

“Maybe a little, but I guess it’s understandable given how much of a hot snack your boyfriend is.”

Roger paused, his expression torn between amusement and fondness. “Good. It’s about time you started realising just how gorgeous you are. I’m one hell of a lucky bastard.”

“That makes two of us,” John rushed to say endearingly. He meant every word. Being with Roger made him feel truly happy, in a way he wasn’t sure he’d been in a long while.

“ _Smooth_ ,” Roger said with a grin. “Anyway, the point is, I just felt like doing something nice. I probably would have organised something last weekend, just as an excuse to spoil you for putting up with me for yet another month.”

John smiled in response. “Soppy git. Besides, you make it sound like I’m your tenant or something. Trust me, these last three months have been just as…amazing for me. I know some might say that we’ve rushed into things too quickly, with you moving in, but I love having you around. The flat feels empty when you’re not here.”

“Aww Deacs! You really do love me!” Roger teased. “Well, I like to think I’ve pushed the boat out tonight. I’ve even cooked.”

John raised his eyebrows in concern, knowing what a liability Roger was in the kitchen. He’d almost set fire to the kitchen burning toast the other week. “You’ve actually… _cooked_?”

“Actually, if I’m being honest, I haven’t done it yet. But I went into town with Freddie earlier, and brought these fancy meals from _M and S_. Figured I’d be safe bunging them in a microwave for a couple of minutes.”

John felt a swell of fondness at Roger’s honesty. He knew that as much as he downplayed it, Roger had probably put a lot of thought into whatever he’d organised. He always did when it came to things like this.

“That was smart of you,” John teased, no longer able to resist stepping close enough to give Roger a quick kiss and wrap his arms around his neck. Roger hummed appreciatively in response.

John noticed the way Roger immediately let go of the door handle so that he could wrap his arms around John’s middle to tug him closer still. “It’s been known to happen occasionally.”

“Did you say you’ve not put them in yet?”

“Not yet. But they won’t take long.”

“It’ll probably be best to save them for in a bit. Reckon we might need the energy for after.”

Roger’s brows furrowed in response. “After what?”

“After I show you just how grateful I am that you’ve put this evening together,” John grinned, using his distraction to his advantage as he kicked the door open with his foot.

Roger, having heard the way it creaked open, gasped in response.

“John Deacon, you crafty little shit—”

“—You’re one to talk,” John said in surprise as he looked around the room.

Tealights shimmered from every available surface, casting a romantic glow around their bedroom. The bed was made and tidy—that itself was a shock given how Roger detested doing it—and there was soft music playing quietly in the background.

John’s gaze moved towards his desk, to the framed photo perched there. He’d been on about wanting a nice one of them to keep so that he could look at it when he studied. But most of the ones he had were of Roger mucking about, usually in aid of making John laugh. Clearly, Roger had made the time to find one.

“It was from my birthday the other month,” Roger explained when he caught John’s gaze. “I thought you looked particularly gorgeous in that one. With the sun as a backdrop, and that slight tan you’d caught over the summer.”

Roger looked just as gorgeous. He looked blonder than ever, with the sun shining down on his hair, and he had the biggest smile on his face.

John counted his blessings every time he looked at him. Every time he got to kiss him and hug him. He might never have been a touchy person before, but that had all changed since being with Roger. He loved being close to him, loved the intimacy shared between them.

It was that thought that had John tugging Roger into their bedroom with a smile.

“I think it’s time for a little surprise of my own. One that _definitely_ requires us both to have far less clothing on than we have on.”

Roger’s eyes lit up in response. “Sounds like one hell of a surprise, Deacy.”

John’s giggle was cut-off by Roger stepping forwards to kiss him a little desperately.

It was hard to concentrate with Roger’s lips against his mouth and skin, branding him with the heat of his tongue. But somehow John managed to shuffle out of his trousers and underwear, kicking them to the side and stepping away to hastily pull his t-shirt over his head.

He sat himself back against the bed, raising himself on his elbows just so he could watch Roger strip.

He felt heat low in his gut as Roger wiggled out of his underwear to drop to the floor with the rest of his clothing. His gaze lingered on the creamy skin of his chest, over his flat stomach, appreciating his body. He had a strong, naturally toned physique, helped by all the hours spent playing drums over the years, no doubt. He didn’t go to the gym—didn’t understand why John was so obsessed with the place—but he didn’t need to.

John licked his lips as his gaze lowered further, down to his obvious erection. Desire coursed through him, his own cock hardening further just at the pretty sight of a naked and aroused Roger.

Roger smiled a little shyly, as if he could sense where John’s thoughts had shifted to. “Like something you see, Deacy?”

“I love everything I see,” John replied reverently, as Roger slotted himself between his legs, which were perched at the edge of the bed.

John wound his ankles further around the back of his legs, pulling him forwards further. Enough that his cock brushed against Roger’s thigh, causing him to exhale sharply. John was erect already, and Roger hadn’t even touched him yet. He shivered as John leaned forwards to press a kiss against his navel.

“God, you drive me crazy. I love being like this with you.” Roger whispered huskily, his breathing already quickening slightly. “I’ve never felt a need like it before. I’d watch the world burn just to have you like this forever.”

John hummed against his skin as he reached around him enough to grab the bottle atop of the bedside table. “Feels incredible, doesn’t it? Like we were somehow meant to be together.”

He pulled away enough to squirt some lube into the palm of his hand and stare up at Roger from underneath his eyelashes. Roger stared back heavily, longing obvious in his expression. Then he moaned softly as John began to lather the lube up and down his cock slowly, his eyes fluttering closed in response.

“ _Fuck_ , you’re so good at this. You know just what to say and do to get me off. I love it. Love making you feel just as fucking amazing.”

John gazed at him as he continued to stroke his cock, eagerly taking in the pleasure filtering across his features. “Yeah?”

“ _Hell yeah_ ,” Roger groaned in response. When he reopened his eyes, they’d darkened further. It sent a shiver down the length of John’s spine. “Jesus, I’ve never felt as alive as when I’m with you. I get goosebumps at the slightest touch. I love being able to kiss you, touch you, fuck you. You’re my best friend, but you’re… _hmm_ …so much more than that.”

He gasped as John’s hand stroked him down to the base. He bit the edge of his lip, his hand tightening against John’s shoulder.

“You’re my boyfriend, my partner, my lover. You’re who I want to spend the future with. The person I want to spend every single day of my life with.”

John’s touch faltered, almost slowing completely at his words. They were said so sincerely, so earnestly. A heavy sensation bloomed in John’s chest, though it wasn’t unpleasant. It felt nice, hearing Roger say that. Knowing that he was on the same page.

“I’ve never had it so good. That’s why I get so scared about losing it all. About losing you. I couldn’t bear it.”

John licked his lips, suddenly finding them dry. “You don’t need to be frightened. Not anymore, Rog. I’m _yours_.”

Roger took a shaky breath as he went back to stroking his cock faster, John’s name falling from his lips easily.

“Trust me when I said that I wouldn’t give up any of this for the world. Especially not when I can do this—”

Using a hand to steady Roger’s cock, he leaned forwards and took the head in his mouth, whilst stroking him down to the base.

“Oh god, _yes_.”

Roger threw his head back with a loud moan in response, pleasure etched across the whole of his face.

John swirled his tongue around the tip, humming softly at the way Roger tangled a hand into his hair. Roger shuddered in response. He’d done this more than a handful of times, more with Roger than anybody else. He loved making him feel so good. Loved getting to see him like this.

He didn’t even mind the taste. He’d gotten used to it, especially in moments like these. When his sole purpose was to please Roger as much as possible. To hopefully make him orgasm just by using his mouth.

With that in mind, he pulled away briefly to reach for more lube. Then he was back to take more of him into his mouth, enjoying the weight against his tongue. He used a hand to stroke the part of Roger’s cock he couldn’t quite reach, and then traced his other hand against his balls, and round towards his rim.

Roger’s moans grew louder as John rubbed two lubed-up fingers in circles against his entrance, until he didn’t feel so tight.

Only then did he begin to slowly press the tip of his finger deeper inside, giving him time to get used to the feeling. Once Roger began to rock back against his fingers, he added a second one, gradually moving a little quicker. His mouth worked up and down him at the same time, taking as much of him as he could, before pulling back and sucking softly on the tip. All the while, stretching him open.

By the time he added a third finger, Roger seemed virtually incoherent, his hand tightening slightly in John’s hair as he called his name. That only intensified when he crooked his fingers, purposely driving against his prostate.

“ _Yes_ , fuck yes, just like _that_!” Roger moaned loudly, so loudly that for a second John was worried that the neighbours might hear. That thought quickly evaporated when Roger tugged his hair gently and called his name. “ _Please_ don’t stop. So close. Oh god, I’m gonna come, baby—”

John responded by moving quicker over Roger’s length and slapping Roger’s hand away when he tried to warn him by pushing against his shoulder. He arched his fingers up against his prostate more firmly, and then Roger was shouting his name again, his thrusts stuttering from his orgasm. Then he was coming against John’s tongue.

He took a moment as he pulled away, blinking back the slight moisture in his eyes and swallowing thickly. That part wasn’t unpleasant, per say. It just made John pleased to know he’d made him feel so good.

Roger pushed his sweaty hair out of his face as he caught his breath, his shoulders sagging a little. His other hand played with John’s hair as he gazed heavily at him.

“Christ John, that was…I mean, bloody hell, it was…”

“Good?” John asked with a raised brow.

“Fucking incredible!”

John chuckled warmly in response, his ego inflating a little bit at his words. He was beyond happy that he’d gotten the desired effect.

“Good. Glad you enjoyed it.”

“ _Bloody hell_ ,” Roger said again with a groan as he wiped his clammy forehead, making John laugh again.

John shuffled over the bed to let Roger flop down beside him. Roger turned on his side so that he could nestle closer, intertwining their legs.

“You still manage to surprise me. You’re funny, kind, beautiful, practically a culinary genius, and an actual god in bed. Is there anything you can’t do?”

“You’re supposed to woo me _before_ I give you a blowjob. Not after,” John teased.

“I did. That’s why I put all this together.”

“I should probably give you that,” John smiled, before he leaned forwards to give him a kiss. Roger cradled his face with one hand, moaning quietly as he tasted himself against John’s tongue. He pulled back slowly, taking in the slight smirk on Roger’s face. “But you know one thing I definitely can’t do. Sing. You must have heard me in the shower by now.”

“I like your voice actually. It’s all mellow and soft. Always makes me smile when I walk past the bathroom,” he said softly, his smirk widening as he moved to straddle himself against John’s lap. He pushed his hair back and bent to press kisses into John’s neck, enjoying the way he mewled in response. John gasped softly, positioning his hands against Roger’s hips as he began to grind against his lap. “Do you know what else makes me smile? Hearing you moan my name as I fuck you senseless into this mattress. Which is exactly what I want to do right now. Given, it’s technically my turn to make you see stars.”

If he’d said that any other time, John might have laughed at his phrasing. But he was achingly hard and the feel of Roger grinding had John desperate to be inside of him.

So instead, he sat forwards with a groan, his lips finding Roger’s in another heated kiss.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I've had another manic week! Yesterday, I found out my car was going to be written off, so obviously I was very sad about that. :( Luckily, I managed to find another lovely car, exactly the same make as mine. Another Peugeot 107 in a lovely yellow, so I've been very lucky to find it, especially as I have to have an automatic car because that's the license I've got.  
> Hope you're all staying safe out there. England are about to go into their third lockdown, which isn't good, but if it means getting the infections back under control, that's the main thing.  
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! I'm going to upload a two-shot (possibly three-shot) fic alongside this by the weekend, so look out for that!  
> Oh, AND! I officially have the best girlfriend ever! We exchanged presents Tuesday night. I got her some pretty flowers, bath bombs, a book about daschunds as she has one, and a fox tea light holder, as that's what she calls her other dog. She brought me the new Queen picture book by Neal Preston, which is honestly the most amazing thing I've ever read. The pictures are just gorgeous! AND she got me a mini FREDDIE!! He's so cute!! I've put him on display in front of my mini Christmas tree. She is honestly the best and I absolutely adore her! :)  
> Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you all have a lovely day tomorrow and at least get to spend a little time with families and things. Take care everyone!


	32. Well I Know That We're In A Time Of Changes...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger's POV
> 
> Roger begins to look to the future, and in doing so, needs to make a very important phone call...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating for swearing and talk of a sexual nature.

_10 Months later…_

“Hello?”

“Hello! Hey! Hi!”

Roger covered his face with his hand, cringing at how nervous he sounded. He cleared his throat and tried again. “It’s erm…Roger. Roger Taylor. How are you doing?”

For a moment, there was silence. He was worried the line had gone dead, until—

“ _John’s_ Roger?

“That’s right! Sorry, I probably should have said that. How are you, Mrs Deacon?”

 _God, he was fucking it up already and he hadn’t even asked her yet_ …

He wasn’t sure why he was making it so painfully awkward. After their introduction last year, they’d hung out a handful of times.

They’d travelled up to Leicester a couple of weeks after Roger had gotten back from the tour last September. The idea being that they could get to know each other a little better.

After spending time with their own families, Roger had come up on Boxing Day to spend a couple of days with John, his Mum, and Julie. It had been the first time that he’d met his sister and he was relieved when they got on really well. Helped by the backstage passes and tickets to the band’s next gig that Roger had gifted her for Christmas, no doubt.

Their first Christmas as a couple had been lovely. The only downside being the news that Roger and Clare’s father, who they had no contact with, had suddenly passed away. But they’d gotten through it together and become stronger than ever.

Since then, John’s Mum had come down to visit a couple of times, including the May bank holiday more recently.

 _Still_.

Roger had never made a habit of ringing her out of the blue. Hence why she might have been confused as to why he was doing so now. Even when she was polite enough not to make it obvious.

“Very well, thank you Roger. How about you? Well done on getting a 2:1 by the way. John mentioned it on the phone the other day.”

 _Of course he did_ , Roger thought with a smile.

He often overheard John’s Mum asking after him or catch John filling her in on everything. Lillian’s willingness to include him into their conversation, as well as part of their family, meant a great deal to Roger.

“Thanks. We’re just waiting for John’s now. I keep telling him though, I reckon he’ll get top marks. Especially with how hard he’s studied.”

Roger wanted to make clear how proud he was of him. How proud he always would be.

“It wouldn’t surprise me. John’s fiercely determined when he puts his mind to something.”

“That he is.”

She hummed in response. “John said that you were about to start recording your second album too. Is that right?”

“Yeah. We get back into the studio next week. Can’t wait.”

“That’s great. Glad to hear that the band’s doing so well.”

“Thank you.”

It was a lovely thing to say. It gave himself the confidence to say the next part. He wiggled his toes nervously and looked over at the framed photo of him and John on the window ledge.

“Listen, that reminds. There was a reason I wanted to call you actually. It was a err…important one.”

“Yes?” She asked uncertainly. “Everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine,” he insisted, his gaze lingering on John’s smile in the photograph. It had been taken by Julie, on Boxing Day. They were sat together on the sofa, with boyish grins on their faces as they relaxed after dinner. John looked beautiful, like always. But the sheer joy on his face that day was obvious to everyone. It made him look even more gorgeous than usual. “It was our one-year Anniversary last week.”

“Of course. I did ask John what you did to mark the occasion. Said something about going for a meal.”

“Yeah, to a new restaurant in Leicester Square. I surprised him with tickets to _Mamma Mia next week_ too. You know how much he loves a bit of Abba.”

“Oh that’ll be nice. Bet John can’t wait.”

Roger giggled a little in response. Because _that_ was an understatement. “It’s fair to say he’s a bit excited.”

“I bet. He listened to them all the time growing up. Drove his Dad mad sometimes, blaring Abba at nine am on a Sunday morning. John would say that he was practising his dance moves. He used to make up the choreography and then show it to his sister to learn. It was very clever actually.”

Roger thought that summed up John perfectly.

“That I can believe. I’m completely envious. He makes everything look so easy. Dancing, cooking, playing the bass, plus he’s brilliant at building things. Look how good that amp of his is. I still can’t get over the fact that he helped make that with his Dad.”

His Mum hummed in agreement. “It’s true. John’s always been good at learning new things.”

“Speaking of which,” Roger said, using that as a perfect conversation changer. “We’ll both be graduating next month. Hopefully, things will keep going well with the band, and if they do, the likelihood is I’ll be on the road quite a bit from now on. And all of that has me thinking about the future, and what sort of things I want from life, you know? I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to lose sight of how much John means to me, or for him to ever doubt that.”

She hummed thoughtfully in response. “That all sounds very contemplative. What’s your plan in order for that not to happen then?”

“Commitment,” he said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Which to him, it was. “I intend on asking John to marry me. I know I’ve not made his life easy in the past, which is why it’s so important that I get this right. Hence why I wanted to ring you to get your permission first. Given that his father is no longer alive, and you’re the closest person to John.”

“ _Oh_ …erm…” she trailed off uncertainly, letting the silence linger. It made him twitchy and nervous as he rushed to fill it with an explanation.

“It’s a shit way to ask. I’d hoped to come up and ask you face to face, but things are hectic with the band, and to be honest, I knew it would look weird if I just turned up unannounced without John. I thought, at least by doing it this way, it will be less devastating if you do say no…hopefully. Not that I wouldn’t understand if you do refuse to give your permission, given how much I’ve put you all through in the past—”

“—Look, I should make something clear before you end up getting yourself into a panic.”

That stopped Roger short. He hummed uncertainly, giving up the temptation to bite on a fingernail.

“I didn’t like you when we were introduced.”

Roger swallowed thickly in response. “I know. I don’t blame you.”

“But you tried so hard when we first met that I thought I should be willing to give you another chance. For John’s sake. I didn’t really think it would last though.”

It hurt her to hear her say that, but it was understandable.

“Then John brought you up in September, and you came to stay with us on Boxing Day, and you made a real effort. With me and Julie. And you seemed a good influence on John. I watched the way he’d light up when you walk into a room. I’ve not seen him that happy since…” She paused, her breath catching. “His Dad. They were really close. That’s where John gets his love of fixing things. It bonded them.”

Roger’s heart soared at the thought of a young John, all doe-eyed and eager to learn from his father. And how he’d ended up sharing that same passion by choosing to study Electrical Engineering and continuing to use the amp that they made together.

“And then when he died, John was…well, he was distraught. It was harder for Julie to understand, what with her being so young.”

Roger hated to think how devastated John must have been. He couldn’t help but think about how everything he had to deal with in secondary school probably didn’t help him much either.

“I can only imagine how hard he took all of that,” Roger said softly.

“I think that’s why he bonded so well with Lewis. He treated John like a little brother, at first anyway.” She said carefully. Roger gritted his teeth at the mention of his name. He couldn’t help it. “I know you worry sometimes, about the nature of their friendship.”

Lewis had had repeatedly failed relationships over the last ten months. Whenever they ended, John was his first port of call.

John had made it clear from the beginning that things were strictly platonic. And since Roger had a word with Lewis on New Year’s Eve, things had been civil between them. But he would still catch the looks Lewis would give John every so often when he thought nobody was looking, and the way his hugs lingered just that little bit too long.

He couldn’t blame him. John was gorgeous in every way. He was bright, funny, lovely, and so clever. He was a hell of a catch, heightened by the fact that he didn’t even know it. But there was still a subtle confidence. He might not have been the loudest in the room, but he didn’t need to be. He had an aura that naturally drew people to him.

For Roger, it had always been _John_. So, he couldn’t help but feel put out by Lewis’s obvious infatuation. Even when he tried not to be.

Her words filled Roger with a worry that perhaps something had been mentioned. “Did John say anything?”

“No. He didn’t have to. I see the way you react every time Lewis’s name is so much as mentioned.”

Roger frowned guiltily in response. “Sorry, I know I’m being a muppet. I trust John inexplicably. That isn’t the issue. The problem is me. I have trouble believing I’m enough for people. Always have. That’s why I’ve been single for so long.”

“Even after I’ve said about how happy you make John? Obviously, it’s important you don’t bottle those fears up, but so is believing in yourself, sweetheart,” she said softly. “Lewis might not be in a settled relationship like you and John, but that doesn’t change a thing. It’s like I always say. Everything happens for a reason. Clearly you two were meant to find each other again.”

He held himself back from saying that that had been his theory regarding John and Lewis too. Because she was right. It would do him no good dwelling on what might be.

“I know. You’re right. Thanks Mrs Deacon.”

She huffed quietly in response. “Call me Lillian. Seriously. You make me feel old every time you call me Mrs Deacon.”

He snorted in amusement. “Fair enough. Thank you…Lillian.”

“You’re very welcome, Roger. And good luck. Not that you’ll need it. John will obviously say yes.”

He wished he had her faith. She gave a wry chuckle when he said as much.

“I told you. I can read my son like a book. He’s just as smitten with you as you obviously are with him, trust me on that one.”

Roger grinned in response. It meant a lot to hear her say so.

-o-

Roger was about ready to tear his own hair out. Or scream at the sky in frustration.

It felt like he’d been up and down every street in London, and he was still no closer to working out what he actually wanted. Or more importantly, what John might want, considering it would be him wearing the bloody thing for—what Roger hoped was—the rest of his life.

That was exactly why he hated shopping. Always had.

He didn’t wear rings. Didn’t see the point of them, not with him being a drummer. But John did. Which was why he wanted to get something nice, something he’d like.

But he didn’t have a clue what that might be. He needed help, and fast. Before he really did end up pulling at his own hair. He traipsed out of yet another Jewellers, and reached for his phone, knowing exactly who to ask.

“ _Hello! It’s Freddie Mercury here_ —”

“—Hey Fred, it’s me, Roger! Listen, I really need—”

“— _Or should that be, Freddie-May-Mercury! At least it soon will be because I’m officially getting married to the man of my dreams in just over 30 days_ —”

Roger winced, holding his phone away as Freddie squealed on his answering message. “— _Anyway, you know what to do.”_

He started talking almost as soon as he heard the beep. “Fred, it’s me. Roger. Call me back as soon as you get this. It’s important.”

He spent the next half an hour visiting a few more jewellers he hadn’t yet been to, but they were all out of his budget. He was about to give up and head for the underground when his phone rang. He turned back from the steps, offered an apologetic smile as he almost bumped into a smartly dressed man, and moved aside to let people pass.

“Hello Fred?”

“A please would have been nice, you know?” A slightly breathless Freddie responded.

Roger blinked in response. “What?”

“On that voicemail you left. Manners cost nothing, don’t you know Taylor? What’s so important anyway? Have you and Deacy ran out of condoms? It was inevitable, I suppose. The way you two go at it.”

“Like you can talk! Look whatever, I meant what I said, this is really important! I haven’t got time to lark about!”

“Keep your knickers on dearie,” Freddie teased him dryly. “Well come on then, what’s up? I hope you’ve not upset Deacy—”

“—No, of course not—”

“—Forgotten your one-year anniversary—”

“—Again no, that was last week. And if anything, John was less inclined to see what the fuss was about, to be honest.”

“Understandable. Given that he’s been stuck with you for a year already.”

“You’re not fucking funny, Freddie!” Roger said, struggling not to let his impatience get the better of him. He ignored a couple of looks from people walking past as he sighed heavily. “Just come and meet me, will you? I’m desperate here and I really need your help.”

“Jesus _fine_ , drama queen!” Freddie huffed ungratefully. “Meet you in Trafalgar Square in half an hour?”

“Thank you. See you in a bit.”

Freddie showed up not long after Roger. He waltzed over in a bright blazer and sunglasses, his wavy hair bouncing against his broad shoulders in the warm July breeze. “This better be important, Taylor. Me and Bri were just about to…”

Roger stared up at him, torn between curiosity and uncertainty as to whether he’d want to know where he was going with that thought.

“Let’s just say, you interrupted our cosy night in, and leave it as that.”

“Yes, _please_ do.”

Freddie hummed in agreement as he sat beside him on the step Roger was perched upon.

“Go on then. Hit me. Not literally though. I took up boxing as a kid, and I assure you that I’m more than capable of showcasing what I learned, darling.”

“As if I’d hit you. Not when I appreciate you coming to meet me like this.”

Freddie looked a little taken aback by Roger’s words, just for a moment. “An actual compliment. From blondie himself. You must be desperate for my help.”

Roger smiled in response. “You have no idea, Fred.”

“Come on then. You sounded highly strung on the telephone, and I’m itching to know what the problem is.”

“I want to ask John to marry me.”

Freddie’s head snapped up to look at him, his eyes widening slightly. Then he grinned, and leaned forwards to hug Roger, catching _him_ off-guard now.

“Oh, that’s brilliant news darling!! I fucking knew you were up to something!” Freddie said as he pulled back to look at him. “I was only saying to Brian the other day how sure I was that you were planning something.”

Roger’s eyes furrowed in response. “Really? Am I that obvious? Do you think John’s noticed?”

“I shouldn’t have thought so dear. It was only that you seemed a little tense when we went out to dinner a couple of weeks ago. But it was barely noticeable to the naked eye. I just happen to be perspective about things like that.”

“Right,” Roger said with a smile.

Over the course of his relationship with John, Freddie and Roger had gradually grown closer. He liked to think it was because he’d proven that his intentions were good. It had certainly been a lot nicer, slowly worming his way onto Freddie’s good side. For everybody involved.

“I’m worrying that I’ll choose something he’ll end up hating. That’s the last thing I want. I noticed he wears signet rings. But other than that, I have no idea what style of engagement ring he might like.”

“Well, first of all sweetie, whatever you buy, John will love, because you were the one who chose it,” Freddie insisted softly as he moved to wrap an arm around him comfortingly.

“You think so?” Roger asked hopefully.

“I know so. Having said that, John has been known to be fussy about jewellery, so you called the right person.”

Roger sighed in response, as he continued to stare down at his tatty trainers. “I just want to do right by him with all this. I’ve made loads of mistakes in my life, and I don’t want this to be another one. My parents only got married because Mum was pregnant with me. Whereas I’m committing myself to John because I choose to be. And because he’s my soulmate, the person I want to be with for the rest of my life.”

Freddie smiled in response. “Exactly! You said it yourself, your relationship is completely different to the one your parents had. We all know how much you love him and want to do right by him.”

“But what if it’s hereditary? What if despite my best intentions, I turn out to be like my father.”

“Impossible. By you worrying about that, it already proves that you’re nothing like your father! You care too much to let that happen.”

Roger nodded weakly as Freddie rubbed his back soothingly. “I suppose so.”

“I know you and I started off on the wrong foot. I didn’t understand what John saw in you and thought he could do better, frankly.”

Roger scoffed in response. “Cheers Fred. Kick a man whilst he’s down why don’t you—”

“— _But_ if you let me finish,” Freddie interrupted with a smile. “You proved me wrong. That doesn’t happen very often, so enjoy the moment whilst you can, darling.”

Roger found himself laughing in response. Freddie was brilliant at lightening the mood like that. It immediately took his mind off of all his worrying and Roger was thankful to him for that.

“Cheers Fred,” he said, leaning his head against Freddie’s shoulder once they both stopped laughing. “For being a mate. Helping me out with this.”

“Of course. Now are you done with this pity party you’ve thrown yourself?”

Roger lifted his head to smile at him in response. “Kind-of. I guess. I’m not sure if John might even want to get married. We had that chat ages ago about it, didn’t we? When John said that he’d hate having all that attention on him. What if asking him to marry me forces him to deal with that?”

“Just because he doesn’t like attention, doesn’t mean he opposes marriage. He probably just meant that if it happened, he’d prefer something a little more private. Nothing wrong with that.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m being an idiot. Sorry.”

“Yeah, you are. Luckily for you sweetie, you’ve got the expert advice of one Freddie Mercury on hand to steer you back onto the right course.”

Roger grinned in response. “Thank god for that.”

“Now come on, Taylor. Let’s go look for rings.”

-o-

Roger ceased strumming his guitar and took a moment to appreciate the sight of John. His expression was etched in concentration, his tongue between his lips as he continued to hum under his breath. He’d pulled back his hair, allowing Roger to see the adorable flush of his cheeks and the happy glint in his eyes.

To know that he was at least _partly_ the cause of that, made him feel all giddy. Plus, a little perplexed. How was it that John managed to look sexy even whilst cutting onions? When he said as much, John paused, the knife still in his hand, and a bemused expression on his face.

“ _Sexy_? Are you high?”

Roger giggled at his disbelief. “I’m serious! But I tell you what would be even sexier. You cooking in the nude.”

“Not to mention a health and safety nightmare,” John scoffed.

“I don’t mean completely nude,” Roger said with a smile. “But maybe I could buy you one of those _I cook in the buff_ aprons that ties around the back so that I still get to see your pert arse.”

“ _Jesus_. You’re actually serious, aren’t you?”

“Maybe. A bit.”

“Well don’t get any ideas. Or I might just have to tell you exactly where you can stick that apron—”

“—So that’s a no to the apron,” Roger grinned sheepishly. “But I’m bargaining. On the basis that you wear those stockings that I brought you for Christmas again. I get aroused just thinking about how good they made your legs look. I had to fight not to tear the bloody things off with my teeth.”

John pursed his lips, looking like he was fighting a smile at the way Roger groaned at the memory. “I’ll consider it.”

“And I want a kiss too. I’ve not had one yet.”

“I gave you one when I came in!”

“That doesn’t count, Deacy! It was barely a peck! I’m talking a full-on snog. Tongues and everything.”

John rolled his eyes in response. “Talk about demanding. Get over here then.”

Roger didn’t need any more invitation. He set aside his guitar and bounded up to John. They shared the kind of kiss which had his breath faltering, and his arms tightening around his waist. Then he pouted as John pulled back far too soon for his liking.

“There. That should keep you going for a bit.”

“I can’t promise that love.” Roger said slightly dreamily. He leaned forwards to give John one last peck as he reluctantly stepped away.

“You’re insatiable! My hands literally smell like onions, and it’s still not enough to put you off.”

“I can’t smell anything other than the burning love I have for you, Deacy.”

John laughed in response. “Your chat-up lines don’t get any better.”

Roger grinned as he moved towards the fridge. “Then I suppose it’s lucky I’ve already bagged you.”

“I suppose it is. Don’t even think about looking for something to eat. Dinner’ll be ready soon.”

Roger groaned as he reluctantly shut the door again. “But I’m starving, Deacy.”

“You were horny not less than five seconds ago.”

“I can be both. I’m always torn between hunger and wanting to rip your clothes off when you’re cooking, babe.”

“Are you sure you’re not high?”

“Pretty sure,” Roger laughed. “You’re the only high I need in my life, Deacs.”

“Did any of those lines actually work? Before me and you?”

“Sometimes,” Roger shrugged as he went back to sitting down. “If not, I’d usually buy them a drink and let them do most of the talking. Women love a good listener. Plus, I already said about how my ex always told me how much of an epic shag I was. That’s often worked in my favour too.”

“And boosted your ego.”

Roger raised his eyebrows questioningly. “Yeah? Was she wrong? I’d much rather you tell me if I wasn’t pushing all the right buttons, John. I’m always willing to try new things.”

“I’ve noticed,” John said with a degree of fondness. “I’m pulling your leg, you git.”

Roger nodded, watching him carefully as John stirred in the onions. “Seriously though. Now that we’re on the subject. If there is anything you don’t like or you’re not satisfied with, you would say, wouldn’t you? Sex is a two-way street. Whatever you no longer find pleasurable, I don’t either.”

John’s face turned a little pinker as he concentrated on stirring the bolognaise.

“I know. I’d tell you if I wasn’t happy, believe me. But I love everything we do. Luckily for you, your ex was right,” he turned his head to give Roger a sheepish smile. “You do happen to be an epic shag.”

Roger couldn’t keep the smile from his face at hearing John say that.

“Yeah well, I only care that you think so, love. Same goes with you though. I love us being intimate. Particularly with you on top or your mouth around my cock. If anything, I’m always fighting not to come too early.”

“Good to hear it has the desired effect,” John teased. “Anyway, with the agreement that our sex life is still going strong, I’ll change the subject before I forget to ask again. Did you go into town in the end?”

“Yeah. I did a bit of shopping actually,” Roger said as casually as possible.

“Oh really? What did you buy?”

“Now that would be telling, Deacy. What with your birthday coming up soon.”

John gave him a look in response. “There’s still another six weeks. You’re not normally so prepared.”

“Which is exactly why I wanted to be this year.”

“Blimey. Fair enough. So you erm…didn’t do anything else then? Or meet up with anyone?”

“No. Didn’t really need to. Although I did remember to pop into the Wellbeing centre and book an appointment with Doctor Hale in two weeks’ time.”

“That’s good. At least you don’t have to go back so much anymore.”

His sessions had gone down from weekly to fortnightly. Roger was happier than he’d ever been, and it showed. He was having far less nightmares, and he was making plans for the future. He was finally in a good place.

“True. That reminds me. Did you get your grades back yet?”

John avoided his eyes as he got two plates out of the cupboard. “Yes…I did. Today actually.”

“ _And_? What were the results?”

“I got a first.”

Roger’s mouth dropped open in response. “Bloody hell, John, that’s amazing! Why didn’t you say anything when I got home?”

John avoided his eyes as he continued to focus on the cooking. “Because it’s not a big deal. I’m just glad that I got the grades I wanted.”

Roger continued to stare, trying to understand why John didn’t look more pleased. “John, this is the exact definition of a _big deal_. You’re graduating top of the class! And you’ve worked so hard to get that. We should be celebrating with your friends, not having dinner in!”

“We can. Come the weekend. When I haven’t got to get up early for work.”

“Work _schmork_. Let me take you out, at least, Deacy!”

John sighed in response. “Not tonight.”

“If it’s because you’re worried about wasting the spag bol, we can have it tomorrow instead—”

“—I just want it to be treated like any other night. Is that too much to ask?”

Roger immediately clamped his mouth shut in response. “Alright, fine.”

John sighed in response, leaning against the side and closing his eyes guiltily for a moment. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped. It’s just…you know me. I always feel weird about celebrating stuff like that. Like I’m being conceited, which is stupid, I know. Plus, I kind of…freaked out a bit this afternoon.”

“Freaked out?” Roger repeated with a frown.

“Yeah, because what if this is _it_. Like, what if this is my peak? I spent most of today wondering where I’m going to go from here. Yes, I have my degree, but that still doesn’t guarantee me a job.”

It was typical of John to be worrying about something like that before he’d even graduated from university officially. Rather than just enjoying the moment.

“I’ve already said, I’ll talk to Richards about you getting a job at the studio—”

“No, you said you’d _pull some strings_! That’s exactly what I don’t want.”

“Except it isn’t like that. He was only saying yesterday that they could do with more engineers.”

“Okay great, I’ll go and talk to him myself. Arrange an interview perhaps.”

“But you don’t need to. If you would just let me talk to him, I could—”

“—I appreciate the thought, I do,” John insisted as he turned to look at Roger. “But I’d feel more comfortable knowing that I’ve not used you to push my way in there. It probably sounds silly, but this is personal for me. Besides, you’ve only just started recording your second album. It might look a big cheeky if you’re already trying to bag me a job.”

To Roger, it did sound silly. But he could tell this was a big deal to John.

“Okay fine. I still don’t really understand your reasoning, but that’s your prerogative, I guess.”

“What’s to understand?” John asked as he started to dish up. “I want to know that I got the job based purely on my attributes rather than who my boyfriend is. I’m sure people wouldn’t see it like that, but I’ve always been conscious of not relying on other people too much. That doesn’t mean that I don’t love that you’re willing to help me out.”

“I’ll always be willing to do that,” Roger said with a smile as he watched John serve up the spaghetti bolognaise. “This whole conversation is probably moot anyway, because I’m a thousand percent sure that you’ll get the job regardless.”

John smiled across at him uncertainly. “Yeah well, fingers crossed.”

“Blimey Deacy, how can you still doubt yourself after today? You’re incredible, honestly! You’re smart, beautiful, funny, kind—”

“—Oh stop it, you flatterer.”

“It’s true, Deacy. And do you know what I wish for? In all seriousness.”

“Hmm, another blowjob?”

Roger rolled his eyes. “No—”

“—Sex with me on top?”

“No—”

“—It’s got to be us doing the Doggy position. You’ve even admitted that’s your favourite.”

“Not anymore, it’s not actually. It’s Missionary. I love looking into your eyes whilst we have sex.”

John cooed in response as he sat down at the table and passed Roger over a plate. “Aw, you’re such a romantic, Rog.”

“Stop teasing me, babe, you’ll get me all excited,” Roger joked back with a wink. “Anyway, that’s not what I was going to say. What I wish is for you to finally see just how amazing you are for yourself. Don’t roll your eyes at me, Deacy, I’m being serious and incredibly loving here! You’re a wizard with electrics, you have a photographic memory, you’re incredible on the bass, and your lyrics are just…”

He made a circle with his thumb and index finger and held it up to his mouth like a chef’s kiss. “They sound like they could have been written by Shakespeare himself.”

“Are you sure you’re not hoping for a blowjob?” John teased, before he spooned another mouthful of spaghetti onto his fork.

“I’m always hoping for sexual favours, but no, I’m serious. I love reading your lyrics. I’d love to perform some of them one day.”

John smiled, chewing his mouthful of food carefully before he replied. “Well, you’ll be pleased to know that I’ve written another one.”

“Perfect! Is it in your notebook I brought you for Christmas?”

John hummed in response. “It is, yeah. I’ll grab it after we’ve finished eating.”

They sat in the living room, with John’s bass on his lap. Roger was sat beside him, struggling not to bounce his leg, he was so excited.

“The bassline came to me whilst you were at work the other day. So, I had a bit of a jam, and came up with these lyrics,” John said as he flicked to a page in his notebook. He gave Roger a warning look as he said, “Just don’t expect too much, it’s only a rough draft, and I really don’t think it’s going to be your cup of tea musically wise.”

“You always say that. And then it always ends up turning out to be fucking brilliant.”

“Yeah, but this is different. Likely too soppy for your tastes, but I couldn’t get the lyrics out of my head.”

Roger tilted his head, reading the title at the top of the page. “ _You’re My Best Friend_. Sounds like something the _Girl_ Guides would sing.”

John rolled his eyes in response. “See, I told you. I knew you’d say something like that—”

“—I’m winding you up,” Roger said around his own laughter at John’s reaction. “Anyway seriously, come on. I really want to hear it!”

“Then _shh_. Anymore comments like that, and I won’t play it at all.”

“I’ll be good, I promise.”

“And _please_ don’t judge me on my poor singing.”

Roger scoffed in response. “As if I would!”

It was beautiful. It was basic sounding, without the drums or the guitar to lead it, but it was still painstakingly beautiful.

True, it might not have been as edgy as Roger would have liked, but it wasn’t his song. It was John’s, and the fact that he’d written something so lovely made Roger feeling thoroughly astounded. It seemed like John would continue to surprise him forever more.

Once John finished, he looked up at him underneath his dark eyelashes. His face was slightly flushed, and he was biting the edge of his lip as he raised his eyebrows expectantly. “Well, what do you think?”

“I thought it was beautiful, Deacy. Honestly. I know it was only a rough version, but it’s good enough to be released if you ask me.”

John smiled shyly in response. “Well, you’ll love what I’m about to tell you even more then. I actually wrote it with you in mind.”

Roger stared back at him in shock. “ _Me_? Seriously?”

“Yeah, I know. Who’d have thought, turns out I really do love you,” John teased.

Roger couldn’t believe it. Nobody had written something so precious before. And it was all about _him_. He didn’t think he had any words to tell John how much it meant that he’d taken the time to write such a beautiful love song in his name.

So instead, he scooted over to his side and gently set aside John’s guitar purely so that he could sit in his lap. Then he leaned in so that he could kiss him firmly, his tongue sweeping against his. John sighed in response, pressing him closer towards him by his arms. Only for Roger to pull away and take his hand, pulling him up from the sofa. John followed blindly, blinking heavily.

“Where are we going?”

“To have sex. Tonight, the aim is to ride you like a cowboy at rodeo in return for you writing what I believe is the most wonderful, precious love song ever created. So, you better be ready John, because I fully intend on giving you the most epic shag of your life.”

“I can agree to that,” John said lightly, already pulling Roger back in for another kiss as soon as they reached their bedroom.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot believe how close we are to the the end. It honestly makes me so sad! :( I think there's another two or three chapters and then that is it. :( But I plan on writing another sequel to this, possibly dealing with their wedding day, and them finally settled, with kids, as I think that would be a really cute finale. Anyway, let me know what you thought of the chapter. :) Hope you're all keeping well and most importantly, keeping safe. Thanks for all your reviews. Here's hoping things will only get better. :) <3


	33. And In Love There Is A Danger Everywhere...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's POV 
> 
> The day of Freddie and Brian's wedding is finally here, and Roger seems to have a romantic notion of his own planned...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating is for swearing mostly. Enjoy! :)

John turned his head to take in the small meadow. There were rows of chairs with bright yellow bows tied on the back of them and an aisle in the middle, which led to a pavilion decorated with various floral arrangements.

To the side sat a small orchestra playing what sounded like _Coldplay_.

Music aside, it was all quite lovely. Pretty enough for a wedding.

“ _Wow_. Fred’s quite the wedding planner, isn’t he?” Roger said with something akin to awe from his side.

John turned to flash him a smile. He took a moment to appreciate how the light made his blue eyes seem even brighter. And the way the sun danced upon his blonde hair.

“I believe the proper title is _wedding coordinator_. According to him anyway.”

Roger laughed in response, the sound so infectious that it immediately caused John to join in.

“Is that so? Maybe if we ever get round to doing this, he should _coordinate_ ours.”

With that, Roger took his hand and lead him to the front, seemingly oblivious to how John was gaping at him. Instead, he went back to fiddling with his tie. John slapped his hand away gently.

“Stop pulling at it.”

“But it feels too tight,” Roger huffed. “I don’t understand why we have to wear bloody ties for anyway.”

“Just leave it until the ceremony is over and then you can take it off.”

“Ugh, fine.”

John gave him a look as Roger moved to stand beside him on the left of the aisle. “You’re in the wrong place. You need to stand over there, on the right.”

“ _What_? So now I can’t even sit next to you?”

“No because you’re Brian’s best man and I’m Freddie’s best man. We’re supposed to stand on either side of them. We went through it all at the rehearsal two days ago.”

Roger frowned. “Did we?”

John rolled his eyes in response. He wasn’t surprised Roger didn’t remember, considering that he zoned out halfway through in favour of watching two ducks squawking at each other on the nearby riverbed.

“ _Yes_. Now go.”

“Fine,” Roger pouted. “But just know that I hate this wedding already.”

“You were only saying how amazing it all looked two seconds ago.”

“Yeah well. That was _before_ they separated us,” Roger complained as he reluctantly went and stood to the right side of the aisle.

Brian appeared first. John spotted his trademark hair as he walked towards the enclosed meadow. He was wearing the same black suit and bright orange tie. He had an anxious look in his eyes as he strode down the aisle. He gave Roger and John a strained smile as he stood between them.

“Alright?”

“Better than you look mate.”

Brian frowned in response. Though John thought he had a point. Brian did look a little pale in the face.

“I’m nervous, aren’t I? Have you got the rings?”

Roger gasped dramatically as he patted himself down. “ _Fuck_. I knew we forgot something! I think I might have left them back at the flat—”

“—Roger, so help me god if you’re serious. I’ll shove that boutonnière so far up your—”

“Relax Brian, he’s winding you up,” John quickly stepped in before Brian could make good on his threat. “They’re here.”

To further reassure him, John pulled out the two boxes from the pockets of his suit. “Thought it was safer with me handling them.”

“Right yeah,” Brian said, his shoulders slumping with relief. “Good idea.”

Roger gave him a sympathetic smile, patting his hand against Brian’s back. “Chill Bri. Everything’s under control, mate.”

Brian nodded in response. “I guess we just have to wait for Freddie to get here now.”

“Speak of the devil, where is he?” John asked, as he looked about the meadow again. “He sent me a text to say that he’d see me here when the ceremony started and that was the last I heard.”

Brian pushed his hair back out of his face and shrugged. “Think he’s finishing getting ready with his Mum and Kash.”

“He’ll probably appear at the last minute. You know how Fred likes to make an entrance.” Roger joked.

Brian smiled fondly. “That he does.”

The orchestra suddenly stopped, before launching into a violin-led version of _Something_ by the Beatles, announcing Freddie and his sister’s approach. It had been a compromise. Freddie had wanted _Nessun Dorma_. Brian had wanted _Sweet Child O’ Mine_.

“Good luck mate.” Roger said as he clapped a hand against Brian’s shoulder. He gave a rigid smile in response, and took a shaky breath in.

Freddie looked lovely. His hair was braided away from his face so that it gave a clear view of his high cheekbones and dark eyes. He looked so happy as he followed on after his sister, Kash, dressed immaculately in her yellow fitted bridesmaid dress, which accentuated her olive skin perfectly.

Brian couldn’t seem to take his eyes off of Freddie. He took his hand when he got to his side, and John noticed the way Freddie’s blush deepened a little in response.

John handed over the rings when it came to their vows, watching as Brian proceeded to put the ring on Freddie’s finger.

“I vow to love and care for you, in sickness and health. To cherish and respect you. To honour you and be faithful to you. To make a home and a family with you. But more than that, I vow to be the best husband that I can be. Forever.”

There was a chorus of cooing echoing around the quiet meadow and John caught Freddie subtly wiping at the corners of his eyes.

“Damn you, May! You’ve made my vows look mediocre in comparison!” Freddie complained, causing a round of laughter from all the guests.

Brian smiled sweetly in response as he said, “I doubt that very much.”

Then it was Freddie’s turn as he slipped the ring onto Brian’s finger.

“You’ll curse me for admitting this in front of our friends and families, because I know how much you want everyone to believe that you only like music that has a beat you can bang your head to and a kickass guitar solo.”

“ _Oh god_ ,” Brian said quietly, obviously knowing where he was going with that.

“But we both know that you’re partial to _Ellie Goulding_ on a dozy, Sunday morning. So my darling, if you ever needed to ask the same question which she refers to in her song then the answer is this. _As long as the stars above you, and longer if I can. As long as the seasons need to follow their plan. As long as the sea is bound to wash upon the sand. As long as you want me to, and longer by far. As long as your father told you as long as you can, as long as I live through you, however long you say. That’s how long I’ll love you._ ”

John smiled in response, knowing that was exactly how he felt about Roger. He didn’t want anyone else. Not anymore. His gaze drifted behind Brian on impulse. He blushed a little as he noticed Roger already looking his way, a tender look in his eyes.

Once the service was finished, they checked into their room and retrieved their luggage from behind the reception.

Roger whistled appreciatively as he stepped forwards to glance around their room. “ _Sweet_! This is a bit more grandeur than your average _Holiday Inn_ , isn’t it?”

“It should be. Given the price of a one-night stay.” John said evenly as he kicked the door shut with his foot.

“Look at the size of this bed, Deacs! We could both spread out like starfish and still have room to spare.”

John paused by the side, watching Roger set down his bags and continue to eye up the room. “Thank goodness with the way you sleep.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I sleep like a baby. _Ooh_ look, they even have a coffee machine! Wicked!”

“We have a coffee machine, doofus.”

John had brought it for Roger’s birthday after he’d spent months badgering on about wanting one.

“I know, but this is _free_ coffee, babe!”

John just smiled in response, amused at how easily Roger could be pleased with things like that. Which quickly changed to laughter when Roger abruptly dived for the bed and then groaned in satisfaction.

“This bed is immense! Come test it out with me, Deacy!”

“Later. We’ve got the reception in five minutes.”

“ _Please_! I’ll make it worth your while,” he said, leaning on his elbows to so that he could waggle his eyebrows suggestively.

As tempted as John was, he knew Freddie and Brian would kill them both if they were late. Roger scoffed when he said as much.

“Just say we got distracted.”

John sighed as he went to remove his tie. He had to admit that he too was glad to take it off. It had become almost unbearably hot during the ceremony, which had caused it to itch.

“Like they’ll believe that. It would look rude if we were to waltz in later than the grooms.”

Roger huffed in response. “Fine. But I fully intend on christening this bed later.”

John gave him a smile from over his shoulder as he made his way towards the door. “Trust me, I’m well ahead of you. Oh, and did I mention that I packed the lacy underwear and stockings that you like so much?”

Roger practically purred as he flew off of the bed to follow him. “John, you absolute tease!”

John laughed as Roger tugged him back so that they could share an urgent kiss before they headed down to the reception.

The speeches were before the food and the evening disco. It was the part that John had been dreading the most. Freddie’s and Brian’s passed by in an anxious blur.

Roger squeezed his leg reassuringly as it was John’s turn to stand. He took the microphone from Freddie, swallowing thickly before he began.

“Hullo everyone. For those who don’t know me, I’m John. Freddie’s best man.” He paused to take a deep breath. “I was a little dubious when Freddie told me that he and Brian were engaged. Not because I was worried that it wouldn’t last or that they didn’t love each other. Anyone with eyes can see that the two of them are perfect together.”

Some of the guests cooed in response as Freddie and Brian shared a private smile.

“I just thought maybe it was a little quick to be thinking about marriage. I’ve known Freddie for about two years, and there wasn’t anyone serious before Brian. But looking back, I can confidently say that I was wrong. I couldn’t be happier for them. Freddie is an amazing best friend, whose been there for me no matter what. And Brian is one of the kindest people I’ve met. I remember in fact how they first met. I’d started working at a bar in London with Brian. Fred came in one day and kept coming up with silly excuses to see him again. It soon became clear that neither of them was going to take the plunge and ask one another out. So naturally, I stepped in.”

He paused as the room descended into quiet laughter, including Roger. John turned to look at him for a moment, taking in the happiness in his blue eyes. It seemed to give him the confidence to continue.

“I feel privileged to be part of their special day. Much like I was honoured when Freddie asked me to be best man. But Brian has given me the best gift of all. Because through him, I met my own soulmate.”

He paused to look at Roger again briefly, catching the way his eyes widened and his cheeks grew rosy. “It gives me great pleasure to ask you all to raise a glass to the happy couple. _Brian and Freddie_.”

 _Brian and Freddie_ , the room echoed back as John sat back down.

“You wanker!”

“Huh?”

John turned to Roger with concern, genuinely worried he’d done something wrong. Until he noticed the way he was wiping at the corner of his eyes.

“I can’t believe Freddie almost let you get away with not giving a speech. It was beautiful, John.”

John responded by leaning closer and giving him a long, sweet kiss. “I meant every word,” he whispered against his lips.

-o-

John sat back at their table and smiled when he spotted Roger was still on the dancefloor.

Brian’s cousin’s daughter had gingerly come over to ask if Roger would dance with her because she thought he looked like a prince. John had to fight back laughter given how innocently the young child had asked and because he knew how much Roger hated dancing.

But he immediately said yes, and even extended his hand with a smile. “I’d be honoured my lady, lead the way.”

Then he’d turned his head to wink at John and said _be right back_. Ten songs in, and it seemed he was having a whale of a time.

There were more people on the dancefloor now. A crowd of children had circled around Roger to copy his silly moves.

John felt touched at the sight of him having so much fun. He couldn’t help but get ahead of himself. Couldn’t help but _want_ , despite how young they both were. Especially when Roger seemed so natural around children.

It was already something they’d briefly discussed after an evening of drinking and listening to music at theirs.

_“Did you know that Stevie Wonder wrote this to celebrate the birth of his daughter?” John asked as he took a long drag of wine._

_Roger had reluctantly allowed John to put one of his vinyl’s on. On the agreement that they played either The Beatles or Jimi Hendrix next._

_“No, I must have missed that when I read his biography.”_

_“Alright, you sarky bastard.”_

_Roger cackled in response as John passed him the bottle. “You know how I love keeping you on your toes, babe.”_

_“I’ve noticed.”_

_Despite his teasing, John raised a hand and found himself playing with Roger’s hair, suddenly wanting to touch him. Roger sighed in response, leaning back against John’s side a little firmer as he took a sip of wine._

_“How do you know that anyway?”_

_“Read it. Can’t remember where,” John said distractedly as Roger blindly held up the bottle for John. “But you have to admit it’s a good song. Quite sweet that he wrote it for his kid as well.”_

_“Yeah, I guess. I’d still take the likes of Led Zeppelin and Jimi Hendrix over Stevie Wonder and Abba any day of the week.”_

_John sniffed in response. “Nothing wrong with Abba. You just have shit taste in music.”_

_“Oi! Take that back! I like the lyrics you write, don’t I?”_

_“That only further proves my point.”_

_“Shut up, Deacy. I’m too tipsy to think of a good comeback right now,” Roger admitted as he swiped the bottle of wine._

_John laughed in response, letting himself be carried away by the music and the giddy feeling settling inside of himself. He continued to play with Roger’s hair as he pondered whether or not to ask. It wasn’t something they’d talked about yet._

_“Have you thought about whether you’d want it one day? Kids, I mean. A family.”_

_John watched the way Roger stopped drinking, the bottle rigid in his hand._

_“I always refused to entertain the idea. I hated the thought of any kid being born into a world where they felt in the way like I did, you know?”_

_Because that was how it seemed to Roger when he was growing up with his father around. Unwanted. Unloved._

_John swallowed thickly and pressed his lips to the top of his head in response._

_“But now that I’m with you, I guess I’m more open to it. I want what you had when you were a kid, John. Before your Dad died. A proper family.”_

_John hummed in response. “We could have that one day. A house full of love and laughter. Just like it’s meant to be.”_

_Because if anybody deserved that, it was Roger._

_“Yeah, yeah, I think I’d like that,” Roger said softly._

John smiled wistfully as he continued to watch Roger dance. There was no doubt about whether Roger would make a fantastic parent. He’d never let himself make the same mistakes as his father.

Roger eventually managed to escape the kids clutches as some of them were taken up to bed or left to go home with their parents. He went to the bar to cool down with a glass of water and then went over to John and Freddie where they were dancing to _Dancing Queen_.

 _He could never resist a bit of Abba_ , Roger mused with a smile as he took John’s hand and tugged him close enough to whisper in his ear.

“Come with me.”

“ _What_? Why—”

“—Just come with me.”

John quickly waved at Freddie so that he knew they were going. He let Roger tug him towards the open fire escape at the back of the hall. They walked through the gardens quietly. He could only just see Roger’s dark silhouette under the weak lights that the solar panels were giving off.

“Roger, where are we going?”

“Just to the Pavilion.”

John frowned but said nothing more as they made their way towards the deserted meadow. He could see a flurry of lights from around Roger’s shoulders but couldn’t quite see what it was or where it was coming from. Once they got closer, Roger turned to him with a smile.

“Close your eyes.”

“For what reason could I possibly need to close my—”

Roger responded by stepping forwards and cradling John’s head in his hands. “Do you trust me?”

“Of course, I do, but—”

“—Then close your eyes. I’ll guide you; I promise.”

John sighed but reluctantly did as he asked. Roger squeezed his hand in response and slowly began to tug him forwards by his hand. John froze when he felt his shoes press against something hard.

“Careful. There’s a couple of steps directly in front of you.”

John held onto the railing with his other hand, almost stumbling up them. Once Roger told him he reached the top, he sighed again. “Can I open my eyes now?”

“Not yet.”

“Roger, if this is some sort of weird prank, just know I’ll make it more than your life’s worth.”

He heard Roger huff in response. “Have you no faith in me? Hang on, wait a minute. There’s something besides your feet, let me just…”

John was feeling more confused by the second as Roger let go of his hand and gently guided him forwards in a straight line.

“Perfect. Stay there.”

“Have I got much choice?”

“No. Now, stop whinging! I’ve done something really nice here.”

“That’s yet to be proven.”

He heard movement in front of him, and then he felt Roger tug on his hand a little. “Right. You can open your eyes again in _three…two…one_.”

John blinked until he grew accustomed to the light. He was stood in the middle of the pavilion, candles all around him. His breath left him in a small gasp when he looked down to find Roger on bended knee.

In his other hand was an open jewellery box with a ring inside. It was a gold band to match John’s other rings. It had a diamond set in the middle.

Roger gave a small smile as John continued the gape at him in shock.

“I didn’t think I wanted marriage. I was convinced all of that stuff was intended for somebody else. Actually, I didn’t think I deserved it. That all changed when I met you. To begin with, I just wanted a chance to make things right. But you ended up giving me so much more than that. Neither of us know what the future holds. I’ll be on tour again soon, but it doesn’t matter because it won’t change anything. I’ll still want to be with you, forever.”

He paused to take a deep breath and lick his lips nervously.

“John, will you marry me?”

John was overwhelmed by it all. Roger had obviously made a real effort to make tonight special. He was so taken aback by his thoughtfulness that he could barely remember how to speak.

His throat felt tight, his mouth drier than the Sahara dessert. He could see the disappointment growing in Roger’s eyes as he took John’s silence as his answer. His hope diminishing as he dropped his gaze, his cheeks flushed.

And _still_ , John couldn’t seem to find his voice.

“I’ve rushed into it, haven’t I? You don’t have to say yes if—”

“—Yes,” John croaked quietly.

Roger’s wide eyes met his. “What?”

John swallowed thickly and forced open his mouth, his heart hammering in his chest as he spoke again. “I said _yes_. I’ll marry you.”

It was worth it if not just to see the joy spread across Roger’s beautiful face. “Really? Are you sure?”

“ _Pretty sure_. Now give me my ring.”

Roger giggled in response as he pulled the ring from its holder and gently slipped it onto John’s third finger, on his right hand. He flexed his fingers, getting used to the feel of it as Roger stood.

“I got the measurements off Freddie. I thought it was kind of weird that he knew your exact ring size. Until he confessed that he used to steal your rings for a night out when you lived together.”

“Freddie knew you were planning this?”

John couldn’t help but feel surprised, even if the two of them did get on like a house on fire these days.

“Yeah, I wanted his opinion on rings. Do you remember that day when I told you I went shopping in town? I rang and asked Freddie to meet me.”

“ _Oh_ , that makes sense,” John said, remembering something in his head. “I saw you both walking past when I was at work that day, and thought it was weird you didn’t mention anything.”

“Now you know why. I wanted to keep it a surprise.”

“Job well done; I’d say,” John said as he tugged Roger closer with a smile. “Though Freddie might kill you for doing it on _his_ wedding day.”

“Nah, it was his idea. He thought it’d be really romantic, plus that way, it’d be like a double celebration.”

John raised a brow in response. “You were so convinced I was going to say yes?”

“I at least hoped. And I reasoned if you didn’t then I could go and drown my sorrows instead.”

“I’m only teasing. Like I’d ever say no.”

“I don’t know. You did leave me hanging for a bit.”

John grinned as he wrapped an arm around his neck. “I couldn’t seem too keen, could I?”

“God forbid,” Roger teased, leaning forwards to kiss him long and deeply. John’s hand tightened in his hair in response, his breath catching. His eyes fluttered open slowly when Roger eventually pulled away. “So, shall we go and tell them the good news then?”

“Lead the way, fiancé,” John said with a grin, causing Roger to laugh in response.

“ _Ooh, fiancé_. I could get used to that!”

Freddie bounded up to them as they headed back inside, a massive grin on his face. “Let me be the first to offer the happy couple my congratulations. Show us the ring then, Deacy!”

John stared back at him evenly. “What ring?”

Freddie rolled his eyes in response. “Very funny. Now quit playing around and tell me we’ve got another wedding to plan!”

Roger gave a sigh, his expression sombre. “Actually, the thing is—”

Freddie gasped in response, his eyes widening with shock. “Wait…did you really say no, John—”

“So much for you always being able to tell when I’m lying, Freddie Mercury.”

With that, John held up his right hand with a grin. Before wincing at the loud squeal Freddie made as he grabbed his hand so that he could turn it this way and that, the diamond gleaming in the light.

“Aah, I forgot how pretty it was! I’m so happy for you both!”

Brian, hearing the commotion, headed over with a smile and a beer in his hand. “What’s going on?”

Roger grinned at him in response. “Oh, nothing much, mate. Just your best friend getting engaged.”

“That’s brilliant news! Congratulations, you two!”

“That calls for it,” Freddie said with glee. “Brian, get your wallet out. It’s a celebration and we need champagne dear, not this cheap prosecco shit they’ve been serving up as poor substitute—”

“—Freddie, hang on a minute—” Brian said as he went to catch up with him.

“We’d better go and stop him before he gets too carried away.”

“I don’t know,” Roger said as he went to follow John. “I quite fancy a free glass of champagne actually.”

John rolled his eyes in response, though he still had the biggest smile on his face. “You’re as bad as Freddie!”

-o-

John’s ring sparkled under the direct light of the bathroom, immediately catching his eye. He smiled, holding his hand up just so that he could gaze at it. He still couldn’t believe he was engaged. If it wasn’t for the proof right there on his hand, he was pretty sure he’d think it had been some crazy, wonderful dream.

He tied a towel around his waist before he stepped out of the bathroom. He barely resisted skipping his way over to the wardrobe, for the sole reason of not wanting to wake Roger up. Instead, he made do with singing along to the chorus of _I’m So Excited_ in his mind as he started to pull on his underwear.

The hanger rattled a little when he pulled his jumper off it, and he heard the quiet ruffle of the duvet from behind, followed by a low groan.

“Whass the time?”

“About nine.”

“Why does my head feel like it’s been used as a snare drum?”

John scoffed as he pulled down his jumper and reached for his jeans. “Interesting you should ask. Perhaps it was because you and Freddie decided to down Jager bombs late last night.”

“ _Oh god_.”

“Or maybe it was the vodka shots at one in the morning, that did that.”

“ _Oh, fucking god_.”

“I believe those were your exact words after you downed them, too,” John said a little snarky. “Shortly followed by you running to the loo to be sick.”

“ _Shit_ , John. I’m so sorry—”

“—You will be,” John grumbled as he moved to turn on the bedside lamp, filling the room with enough dim light to see him properly.

Roger blinked bleary eyed at him from his perch on the bed. His blonde curls were dishevelled, sticking up here, there and everywhere, and there was sleep in the corner of his eyes. Yet all John could think was how utterly adorable he looked. At the worried look being thrown his way, John eventually gave up the pretence and smiled.

“I’m teasing. You were quite funny actually. Aside from the throwing up, obviously. You and Freddie ended up having some weird dance-off to _The Macarena_ —”

“— _Please_ tell me you’re pulling my leg.”

“ _Nope_. Then you got everyone up to do the conga. Now _that_ I managed to capture the beauty of by convincing Brian to record it on his phone.”

Roger groaned, collapsing back against the bed and squeezing his eyes shut. “There goes my street cred.”

“It gets better. Brian put it on _Facebook_.”

“He did _what_? I’ll kill that fucking _poodle-haired giant_!”

John just laughed in response as he reached for the hairdryer.

Roger eventually crawled into the shower once he’d downed a glass of water and took two paracetamols for his head. He came back out, his towel left behind in the bathroom.

John immediately forgot about the magazine in his lap, his mind blank, and his mouth dry, as he watched Roger run a hand through his damp hair.

Somehow, he sometimes managed to forget just how gorgeous Roger was. He was only too pleased that Roger had no qualms about walking about naked. It gave John the perfect excuse to ogle.

“I still feel like shit,” Roger whined as he pulled on his underwear. “Please tell me that we at least got round to christening the bed.”

John swallowed thickly, still partly distracted by a half-naked Roger. Especially when he noticed how _well_ his boxers fit.

“Erm…I wish. Although, you did tell anyone who would listen about how you were going to _ride your fiancé like a stallion_ during the walk back to our room last night.”

Roger turned to him with wide eyes. “ _I fucking didn’t_!”

“You fucking did.”

“God! Drunk me could have at least had the decency to see it through!”

“You gave it your best shot, to be fair. You kept undoing my belt and trying to pull my trousers down whilst I struggled to get enough water down your throat before you went to sleep. Then you collapsed in a heap, leaving me to undress you for bed.”

Roger pursed his lips, looking like he was fighting a smile at his words. “If it helps, I pinkie promise not to let myself get like that on our wedding night.”

“Good. You better not,” John said with a small smile, his gaze automatically drifting from his face as Roger stepped closer.

“Having said that, what time’s checkout this morning?”

John hummed appreciatively as Roger threw aside his magazine and climbed straight into his lap.

“Eleven. Thought you still felt like shit?”

“You know what they say. Having sex is the best cure for a hangover.”

“You’re winding me up.”

Roger raised a brow as he began to grind against him. “Only one way to find out, Deacy.”

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHH That is by far my most favourite chapter of the series so far!! Roger's proposal was the cutest thing ever and if I don't get a proposal that's half as romantic as that then...well, let's just say, if Beth is reading this at some point in the future, then... **hint hint** ;)
> 
> So where do I start? I hope people enjoyed the vows in the wedding! I feel like they might have been a bit mushy for Brian and Freddie's but notice how I added the one about being faithful in Brian's? Ooooooh snap! Hahahaha I love Brian, but as soon as I added that, I was like 'hmm, is this below the belt?' Ah well too late now lol.
> 
> This fic has honestly been my life over the course of the last year. (I know, sad.) And your reviews and comments has been probably about the only thing keeping me sane. That, and meeting Beth obviously. :) 
> 
> Anyway, I really hope you liked the chapter!
> 
> I'm going to upload another a little sequel/add-on from this in a couple of weeks, which is set like five months after Brian and Freddie's wedding day, and set around Christmas and is about John going back to Cornwall for the first time since school, so look out for that as that's an interesting one! I've got two more chapters of this one to upload, but they'll be set after the Christmas one, if that makes sense. And then I might be tempted to do a couple of short sequels based around them and their future together, if everyone is interested!
> 
> Oh, and I've also written some prompts for Dealor week, so look out for them. :)
> 
> Hope everyone is keeping safe! Sorry this is to long lol! Hopefully we shall have the vaccine very soon. In the meantime, keep staying at home and look after yourself. :) <3


	34. But Consider Every Portion...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger and John go back to Cornwall together for the first time in years, leading the both of them to confront a few old ghosts...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating for swearing mostly.

_Five Months Later…_

John finished folding their clothes into the holdall, before zipping it up. He hesitated, the strap rigid in his hand.

 _He could do this_.

“You ready?”

Roger smiled in apology when he caught the way John startled. He was perched in the doorway, a knowing look in his eyes.

“I think so.”

He said nothing as he stepped forwards, gently prying John’s hand away so he could hold it in his. Roger’s gaze flickered over his face, as though searching for something.

“We don’t have to go. I can cancel right now and get Mum and Clare to come up to us instead.”

“No, I want to. I do, I just…” John trailed off uncertainly.

Roger nodded in response. “I know. Well if it gets too much, just say and we’ll leave straight away. Go up to your parents sooner than planned.”

“Okay.”

Roger looked somewhat relieved to hear him agree. He lifted John’s hand to kiss the back of it, then picked up the bag from the bed.

“Well, everything else is loaded. There’s just this left.”

“Alright. I’ll be down in a sec.”

Roger gave him one last smile on his way out, then left him to his thoughts once more.

John smoothed over a crease in their throw, before slowly heading from their room.

They’d only moved in a month ago. To a two-bedroom house, on the outskirts of London. Somewhere with a drive and not in the centre of all the city pollution. It had a back yard, perfect for gardening and eventually, the pitter-patter of tiny feet…

It was their first proper home, most of which had been brought with Roger’s profits from his band’s first two albums and the tours that followed.

They’d already decorated their bedroom.

Roger had chosen the ebony paint, on the basis it matched their quilt cover. The walls were lined with Roger’s posters, which had been stored in his Mum’s attic. John suggested he put them up. It seemed a waste to have them stashed away.

The rest of the furniture, including the bed, had come from their old flat.

Anything Roger might have owned when he lived with Brian, he’d given away to him and Freddie. Excluding the mass amount of clothes he owned.

The spare room was permanently set up in case anyone wanted to come and stay. And the basement was used as their music room.

It already felt like home to John.

There were pictures dotted around. Of family, of friends, and of them. There were also a few drawings that Roger had created which John wanted to show off. The ones of him, that were more private, were kept in their own special memory book under the bed.

There was a reef hung from their front door, tinsel draped around frames, and a tree perched in the corner of the living room, even though they were spending Christmas with family. John might have gone a bit overboard, but as they were there in the runup, he wanted it look special. Especially as Roger’s childhood Christmases had been anything but.

Underneath the tree was a couple of presents that they wanted to open when they were alone.

John headed downstairs and grabbed his coat from one of the pegs that he’d put up a couple of weeks ago, by the front door. He’d also made the shoe rack, with just a YouTube video for guidance. Roger liked to point that out whenever they had guests.

With a smile, John locked up and hurried over to Roger’s car.

—

He focused on the small things when they got there. Helping with the bags. Putting one foot in front of the other.

All the while, Roger’s hand remained in his.

“Okay?” Roger asked when they got to the front of the house. He waited until John gave a nod, his hand raised. Then he rapped on the door, using the brass knocker.

Winifred Taylor answered. She was a small unassuming lady with short blonde hair, and a heart-shaped face. She was dressed in a collared fifties-style dress, which matched the shade of her blue eyes. She beamed as soon as she saw Roger and John stood there.

“Ah, I was hoping it was you two!” She said as she stepped forwards to hug them both. “How was the journey? Oh, let me get that bag for you John, honey. You’ve been in the car all afternoon.”

Roger smiled as he set their holdall by the stairs long enough to take his shoes off alongside John. “Alright if I take our bag up, Mum?”

His Mum handed over the bag of presents to Clare and looked back at him. “Of course it is sweetheart, you don’t need to ask. You’re in your room, you know the way.”

They said their hello’s to Clare and headed upstairs. His room was the second door on the right.

John took a look around.

The bed was slightly smaller than a double, perched to the side. Next to that was a set of drawers with a lamp on top, and a bookshelf. They both seemed out of place.

“Mum brought them after I moved out,” Roger said as he stepped through the threshold. “My old furniture came up to London with me. The books are mine though. I didn’t really make time for reading when I was at uni.”

John could have easily guessed that by how much science-fiction there was.

There was a TV on the wall. And nestled in the corner was an acoustic guitar.

“Yours?”

Roger hummed in question as he set the holdall on the bed. He turned to see John moving closer to his guitar. “Oh yeah, I used to play, didn’t I? Before I realised the drums were my true calling.”

John smiled as he picked it up. Then he handed it to Roger. “Play something.”

“Oh god, really?” Roger groaned but took it anyway. “If you insist. Just don’t expect perfection.”

“I won’t.”

“Cheek,” Roger scoffed, softly elbowing him as John came to sit beside him on the bed.

He played to the tune of _You’re My Best Friend_. Despite it being John’s composition, Roger had memorised the chords. John scoffed when he admitted as much after he finished playing.

“You only paid that much attention because I wrote it about you.”

“Obviously. I’m dead proud that my fiancé wrote me something so beautiful. I’m considering having the lyrics tattooed.”

“I wouldn’t put it past you actually.”

They were interrupted by a knock against the open bedroom door.

Clare smiled sheepishly as they looked her way. “Hey, Mum asked me to tell you that we’re having dinner at the pub down the road in a bit if that’s okay?”

Roger looked at John, who nodded in response. “Yeah, sounds good.”

“Perfect,” Clare said, before heading into the room. “Come on then. Let’s see the ring again. It’s been forever since I last saw it.”

“Drama queen,” Roger grumbled sourly as he set the guitar down. “You saw it a bloody month ago.”

“Exactly. _Ages_ ago. It needs to be appreciated.”

John was entirely unfazed by her request. He loved showing it off. Clare cooed as he held out his hand, the diamond shimmering softly under the dim lighting of Roger’s room.

“Gosh, I forgot how pretty it was. I guess my brother has taste after all. Who’d have thought.”

“Says you in your stripy t-shirt and baggy overalls. I didn’t realise _90’s fashion_ was on trend again.”

“Brother dearest, you’re hardly qualified to be giving out fashion tips. You literally look like you’ve been dressed by an overexcited toddler.”

“Fuck you!” Roger grumbled, throwing a cushion in the direction of her head. She responded by ducking back out of the room with a loud laugh. Roger shook his head, turning back to look at John. “Ten minutes we’ve been here, and I’m already being tormented by that _cretin_.”

John nudged him softly in response, pursing his lips to fight laughter. “Don’t be mean. You love your sister. You’re always going on about how much you miss her.”

“Yeah well, you know what they say. Can’t live with siblings, can’t live without them.”

—

It was a two-minute walk to the old-fashioned pub set on the outskirts of Truro. They stayed at the bar whilst Clare and Winifred grabbed a table.

A man headed out of the staff room. It took John a second to work out why he looked familiar. With his short brown hair, rounded face, and boyish smile.

“John?”

John swallowed thickly, trying not to let his fear overwhelm him as he turned to Roger.

“You okay?”

John hesitated. His heart felt like it had dropped into his stomach as he watched the guy head behind the bar and speak to another member of staff.

“The guy who just came out. Pretty sure that it’s Christopher from school.”

Roger went to look. His expression hardened immediately. “Right. You sit down. I’ll sort the drinks.”

“No, I’m fine.”

“John—”

“Roger, I’m _fine_. It was just a shock, seeing him,” John insisted. “He might not even recognise me.”

Roger hummed doubtfully in response. “Yeah, well if he does, he better not say anything. Or I’ll just ask for somebody else to serve us.”

They watched Christopher walk towards them. He stopped hallway, his expression changing to one of surprise. Then he closed the distance, an uncertain smile on his face.

“Roger…hey. Long time, no see. I wasn’t expecting to see you on my evening shift.”

“I’m visiting family. It is Christmas eve after all.”

“Yeah, it is. Happy Christmas,” Christopher said politely as his gaze moved towards John. “You look familiar. Do I know you?”

John was torn between bitterness and relief. Roger reacted quicker.

“Unbelievable,” he muttered with a shake of his head. John gave him a look in response. “This is my fiancé, John.”

“Congratulations. Wait, did you say—”

“Chris, table twelve has been asking for their mains,” a barmaid said from across the bar.

“Tell them I’ll be there in a sec.”

Roger saw the realisation in his eyes. His anxiety increased when Christopher went back to staring at John. He might not have had enough courage to defend John in school, but he was more than ready to do so now.

“I’m such an idiot. I’m really sorry I didn’t recognise you straight away, John, you just look so different—”

“Don’t talk to him,” Roger barked, unable to hold back his anger any longer. “You’ve got no right to say anything to him.”

“Roger,” John said with an air of warning.

“We didn’t come here for a reunion,” Roger said as evenly as possible. We came to have a drink in peace. So when you’re ready, we’ll have two large white wines, and two pints of beer.”

“Of course,” Christopher said quietly. “I’ll go and pour them now.”

Roger remained rigid as he walked away. He watched Christopher the whole time. John pressed a hand to his arm with a sigh. “Will you please relax? He seemed okay, didn’t he?”

“I still don’t trust him.”

“Me neither, but it’s not like we have to hang out. It’s a case of being civil for a couple of hours.”

Roger frowned in response. “It’s not right. You being put in this situation. It’s Steven all over again.”

“Except it isn’t, because Steven reacted completely differently. Just let it go. We always knew running into one of them was a possibility.”

Roger didn’t. He was naïve enough to believe their first trip back to Cornwall might actually go smoothly. Joke was on him, he guessed.

“It’s ironic, isn’t it? I’ve been back every year and not seen any of them.”

“Well now you have. Just let it go, okay? Please, for me.”

Roger forced a nod, only for his sake. He suggested that John took over the drinks whilst Roger paid. John hesitated briefly, his expression paved with doubt.

“What? I’ll be on my best behaviour.”

“That will be a first,” John teased, before reluctantly pottering over to their table in the corner.

Christopher headed back over, his gaze trailing over Roger uncertainly. “Roger look, I just want to say—”

“Save it. We heard enough from Steven when we saw him in London that time.”

“Steven? Jesus, I didn’t know the bloke was still alive. Last I heard, he was practically a cokehead.”

“Wouldn’t be surprised. The guy was always a loser.”

Christopher huffed in response. “Agreed. Look, I’ve not spoken to him in years. Or any of the others. And I feel really embarrassed about not recognising John—”

“Good, you should.”

“I do,” Christopher insisted a little guiltily. “I’ve always felt dead guilty about the part I played in chasing John out of town. Especially as I always suspected you were secretly smitten with him. Please will you at least erm…tell him how sorry I am. For everything that happened to him.”

Roger narrowed his eyes at his request. “Give me one good reason why I should?”

“Fair point. I guess you don’t owe me anything,” Christopher said resignedly. “I’m happy for you though. I always hoped you’d track him back down one day.”

“Yeah well, it’s not been easy. But it was worth it. We’re getting married next year.”

Christopher immediately beamed in response. “Mate, that’s brilliant news! Congratulations man. And good luck. Not that you need it. You were the only one who at least tried to stand up to Steven. You’ll make a great husband.”

 _At least one of them had such faith_.

“Thanks, I guess,” Roger said in surprise. “How much do I owe?”

Christopher waved his question away. “Nothing. I’ll get these. Least I could do.”

“In that case, I should have ordered champagne.”

Christopher laughed in response. “It’s erm…it’s good seeing you, Rog. Both of you. Seriously.”

Roger finally smiled, relieved that he wouldn’t have to feel on edge all evening. It made things easier, at least. “Yeah. You too.”

He went over to their table, where they were joined not long after by a man who looked to be in his forties. He looked around the same age as Winifred. He had dark hair and stubble, a rounded face, and blue eyes. He was wearing a smart shirt and jeans.

Roger gave him a glance over as Winifred quickly stood to greet him. John caught the way she flattened her hair as she did.

“I hope you two don’t mind. I invited Trevor to join us. He only lives down the road.”

“Well—”

“Not at all.”

Roger mouthed _what_ at the look John gave him in response.

“Hello Roger, John,” Trevor said after he’d finished saying hello to Winifred and Clare. “Lovely to meet you both. Winnie speaks of you a lot since I moved down to Cornwall a few months ago.”

Roger immediately decided that he didn’t like the way he called his Mum _Winnie_. The endearment was used by family and close friends only. He reluctantly accepted his handshake.

“Moved from where?”

“Cambridgeshire originally. Always wanted to live here, and then I got the perfect opportunity when the company I work for decided to open up down here.”

“What’s the job?” Roger asked a little briskly as he watched Trevor sit down next to Winnifred.

“I work in a garage. Nothing fancy, but it pays the bills, and I like cars.”

Winifred smiled as she went back to looking at the menu. “You and Roger have that in common.”

“And John. John likes cars too.”

Trevor nodded as he glanced between them interestedly. “What sort of cars do you both like? I’d love a Range Rover one day. Always wanted one.”

“My Mum likes Range Rovers,” John said politely.

“I’d much rather have an Alfa Romeo if I’m being honest. Way cooler.” Roger griped.

John hid his eye roll behind his menu, knowing he was only saying that for the sake of opposing.

Trevor smiled in response. “Yes, you’re Mum was saying you liked your classic cars. What have you got now if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Just a Mini. A brand new one though. I’m saving up for something a bit more suave.”

“Fair enough. I’ve always said as long as it gets you from A to B, then that’s all that matters.”

Roger hummed vaguely in response, watching Trevor turn his head to look at the menu in Winifred’s hand. Once they were both talking quietly, John leaned closer to Roger.

“Trevor seems nice, doesn’t he?”

“I guess.”

John smiled in response as he tapped the side of Roger’s leg softly. “Don’t be a berk. You’re only saying that because you’re Mum likes him.”

“Well if you ask me, he seems a suck-up.”

“I think he genuinely wants to make an effort. Nothing wrong with that.”

Roger frowned, knowing he couldn’t exactly fault him for that, unfortunately. “I suppose not.”

“Right then. So be friendly.”

“I’m always friendly,” Roger teased, a smile playing on his lips. “To the people who deserve it.”

With that, he leaned forwards and gave John a peck on the lips. John hummed as he pulled away.

“You’re such a prat. You’re lucky I love you.”

Roger stared back fondly as John tucked his hair behind his ear, showing off his slightly rosy cheeks. “Trust me love, I’m well aware at just how lucky I am.”

Trevor offered to walk them back. Much to Roger’s dismay. He held back a little, enough that he could share a quiet word with John.

“Christopher said something back at the pub. It’s got me thinking.”

John’s hummed in response, his hand tightening in Roger’s. “Yeah? I was going to ask what you two were talking about.”

“He told me he hadn’t spoken to the others in years, and maybe I’m an idiot, but I believe him.”

“Okay?”

“He also asked me to pass on how sorry he was for what happened at school. At first, I asked him to give me a reason why I should, but then it got me thinking. About how you deserved to know. Even told me he was happy for us getting married too. Call me soft, but I think he genuinely meant that.”

John nodded. “That’s good. Isn’t it? You’re proof enough that people can change. Why shouldn’t that be true for other people? It was nice of him to buy us a round, at least.”

“Yeah, I know it was.”

John frowned in response. “You still sound like you’re stewing on something.”

“I am, a bit,” Roger admitted a little sheepishly. “He just said something. About feeling guilty over you moving away. Because he always suspected I was smitten with you.”

“And that’s bothering you? Why?”

Roger sighed in response, watching Winifred, Clare and Trevor talking obliviously amongst themselves a little further ahead. “I don’t know, it just felt a bit weird, I guess. Him knowing that I had feelings for you the whole time. Or at the very least, suspecting.”

“Perhaps he could see what the others didn’t. People always say that those closest to us have a way of figuring out things, sometimes before even we do. He probably kept quiet because he was just as frightened of Steven.”

“Yeah, I mean that makes sense,” Roger said uncertainly. “But was I that obvious? Even Mum barely batted an eyelid.”

“Same with my Mum. I told her just after we moved back to Leicester. Maybe it’s a good thing? Made coming out easier for me, at least. Besides, you can’t have been _that_ obvious. It took me years to catch on.”

Roger hummed thoughtfully in response.

“And perhaps it was a good thing? Bumping into him again. It’ll make seeing him again in the future easier anyway.”

“True,” Roger said softly. “You’re amazing, you know that? You practically see the good in everything.”

“It’s been said once or twice.”

Roger smiled in response, then flinched a little as he felt something damp on his face. It took him a moment to realise what it was.

“John look, it’s snowing!”

They paused for a moment, watching the others walking up the drive to the house.

It looked pretty enough to be a painting. The snow falling, their picturesque cottage. And John besides him, under the dull glow of the streetlight, and the biggest smile on his face.

It had been years since it had snowed at Christmas.

Roger was unbelievably happy in that moment, more than he ever had been before. “Merry Christmas, John.”

“Merry Christmas, Rog.”

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm back! I'm so sorry that this took so long to update. I've been working on my next new fic which I hope to have the first chapter uploaded in the next few weeks. In the meantime, hopefully this update is a worthy enough apology haha. Let me know what you think! Not long now, and we're nearly finished... :(
> 
> Stay safe everyone! <3


	35. When You've Taken Your Precautions...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger and John get married!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating for swearing and mention of smut.

_Six Months Later…_

“How do I look?”

“Like a man who’s freaking out about our Mum’s meeting for the first time?”

Roger fought a sigh as he went back to fiddling with his shirt in the mirror. “Witty as always, Deacy.”

“Thank you, I try my best.”

“Yes meanwhile, I can’t get this useless fucking collar to sit right.”

“Let me have a go.”

Roger dropped his arms with a huff as John gently tugged at the collar until it gave in. “There. Sorted.”

He stepped aside so that Roger could see for himself. He smiled in relief. “Thanks love.”

John lingered in the doorway as Roger settled his hair against his shoulders. “It’ll be alright. The hard part was coming out to your Mum.”

“I know. I do, I just…I want them to get along.”

 _Especially with our wedding barely six months away_ , Roger added in his head. He didn’t think the reminder was fair, given how nervous John was about walking down the aisle in front of everyone.

“I’m sure they will. But if not, then…we’ll cross that bridge. Deal with it together, like we do, everything. Right?”

“Right,” Roger said immediately, his gaze softening.

John looked lovely as ever. In a dark shirt and flares, his long hair fluffy from his shower. Roger still got the strongest butterflies just by looking at him. He felt so lucky to call John his fiancé.

“You look beautiful. How did I ever manage to bag you?”

“I thought we’d already established the how. You’re an _epic shag_ , remember?”

Roger immediately grinned. “Ahh yes. A very valid point.”

“Lucky you are really, given how shite your chat-up lines continue to be.”

“You cheeky bugger, Deacs. I mean you’re not wrong, but you’re still cheeky,” Roger teased, giving him a quick peck, and subsequently cutting off John’s laughter.

They’d agreed to meet at an Italian restaurant on the corner of Trafalgar Square. Winifred had suggested they eat out so that they could relax. John had been only too happy to agree. They were a little early, so John ordered a jug of water and a couple of beers to start. He fiddled with his engagement ring distractedly as he watched people pass.

Winifred was first to approach. Roger rushed from his chair with a smile. “Hey, alright Mum?”

She was wearing a yellow dress to match her hair. She beamed as she hugged them both. “You both look lovely! What a gorgeous day too!”

“Yeah, we’ve been lucky.”

“We thought it’d be nice to sit outside,” John said cheerfully as they sat back down. “Would you like a drink? I’ll go and order.”

“I’d love a glass of white wine please, sweetheart,” she said as she poured herself some water.

Lillian got there not long after.

“Hello Rog, John. Lovely to meet you, you must be Winifred,” she hugged them both, and then Winifred. She sat next to her at the table. “This is a nice spot. It’s a lovely day, isn’t it?”

“That’s what we were just saying,” John said lightly.

“We were here a couple of days ago and thought you might like it,” Roger added.

“I do. It’s perfect for watching the world go by,” Lillian said as she poured herself a glass of water.

The conversation flowed easily between the four. Then talk soon turned to the wedding.

“I still can’t believe you’ll be married in six months. It’s come around so quick,” Winifred said with a disbelieving shake of her head.

Lillian hummed in agreement. “I was thinking the same thing. It’s so exciting though. The orangery where they’re having the ceremony looks absolutely beautiful.”

Winifred turned towards Roger curiously. “You didn’t show me a picture of an orangery, Rog.”

He frowned. “Did I not? To be honest, I can’t keep up with what we have and haven’t showed you both. I think I’ve got it on my phone though, hang on.”

John was happy to sit back as their mothers chatted excitedly. Winifred cooed as Roger passed over his phone. “Oh, it looks perfect!”

“What colours have you chosen again?” Lillian asked as she passed Roger his phone back.

“We were thinking black and silver. Not very traditional, but silver is my favourite colour, and black is John’s, and we could always have brighter boutonnières and flowers to break it up.”

Winifred nodded approvingly. “Yeah, that could work.”

“Sounds like a great idea. It’s going to be such a lovely day.”

Almost as soon as she said that John caught his Mum wiping her eyes subtly. “Mum, are you crying?”

“ _Crying_?” She repeated with a weak laugh. “Don’t be silly. I’ve just got something in my eye.”

“Uh-huh, sure you have.”

Winifred gave an understanding smile as she pressed a hand to the woman’s arm. “Nothing wrong with feeling emotional. You’re right, it’ll be a special day.”

Roger waited until their plates had been cleared away and their mothers had slipped off to the bathroom to speak to John. “They seem to be getting along.”

“Well done for noticing.”

Roger rolled his eyes. “I know what you’re thinking. You were right as usual.”

“Makes a change to hear you say it.”

“ _Lies_!” Roger gasped dramatically. “I’m always telling you how wonderful you are.”

“So I should think,” John teased. “Seriously though, today’s been really nice. And the way you’ve taken time to go over wedding planning with Freddie means a lot. Especially when I know it’s not exactly something you find that interesting. Just reiterates how lucky I am to have you.”

“Correction, I find all that stuff boring when it’s everyone else. But I know _our_ big day is going to be amazing, Deacy. How could it not be with Freddie at the helm?” Roger said with a smile. “I mean _Christ_ , he’s even thought about what colour the napkins should be.”

John laughed in response. “Freddie is a little meticulous when it comes to this sort of thing.”

“Definitely. Thank god for Freddie.”

John smiled. “Thank god for Freddie.”

-o-

_Six Months Later..._

Roger gave a frustrated huff as he rummaged through the pile of clothes on the hotel bed. “For fuck’s sake! Where the fuck is my stupid fucking tie?”

“Language, Roger!” Winifred rebuked with a click of her tongue.

“ _Well_!”

Brian got up from where he was searching through Roger’s suitcase. He turned, a tie dangling from his grasp. “It’s here, stress-head.”

Roger grumbled something akin to gratitude as he snatched it from him. Brian seemed nonplussed as he went back to fiddling with his hair in the mirror.

Winifred rose from her chair with a roll of her eyes as Roger struggled with his tie. “Give it here or you’ll be even more anxious over being late.”

“Thank you, Mum, for pointing out the obvious.”

She whacked his shoulder then took both ends in her hands. “Less of the cheek. It’s not even half two. You’ve got plenty of time.”

“Yes, so stop acting like a grumpy old man.”

Roger narrowed his eyes at Brian. “Says you! You nearly bit my head off just for joking about losing the rings.”

“Like you wouldn’t kill me if I did the same thing to you.”

“Nah, I wouldn’t actually,” Roger grinned. “I’d just tell Deacy and let him kill you instead.”

“Boy’s got an answer for everything,” Brian teased as he looked back at Roger. “Would it help if I checked in with them next door?”

“Actually, it would. Thanks mate. Just for once I’d like to get there before John.”

“You always were late for everything,” Winifred pointed out knowingly.

“Exactly. Why change the habit of a lifetime?”

“What was I ever thinking of, having you as best man? I should have asked Mikey instead.”

“Yeah, you should have. Would have saved me the bother of writing a speech.”

“You cheeky little—” Brian laughed, leaving the room before Roger could finish that sentence. “God, I curse the day that lanky twat came to stay at our holiday cottage.”

“ _Language_ ,” Winifred scolded him again. “I know you don’t really mean that. That boy has done a lot for you, Roger. You wouldn’t be here without him.”

Roger’s gaze drifted over her face, wondering if he’d taken the joke too far. “Trust me Mum, I’m hardly likely to forget. I owe my life to him, literally.”

She paused for a moment. Then she tightened the knot, staying silent as she finished tucking the tie underneath the collar. She brushed away any dirt from his shoulders, her expression thoughtful. “That was the worst day of my life. When I got that call from Brian.”

Roger watched her turn away to grab his suit uncertainly. It wasn’t exactly something they’d talked about.

“For one terrible moment, I thought you’d managed it. Brian could barely get his words out, he was so distraught,” she said it so lightly she could have been talking about the weather. Roger’s stomach flipped, the guilt itching at his skin. “All I could think was how obviously it was my fault—”

“Mum—”

She held up a hand, her gaze paved with pain. Then she buried it back down just as quickly.

“I have many regrets. The biggest is not leaving Michael sooner. You didn’t have the advantage of being too little to remember, like Clare. You grew up believing that being yourself was something to be ashamed of. I did little to discourage that. I ignored the warnings, didn’t grasp how you might have needed help. I just assumed you were lashing out.”

Winifred slowly turned back, her eyes slightly glassy as she helped him into his suit.

“I’m eternally grateful for Brian. I’m just sorry that I wasn’t the one to help,” she confessed a little sheepishly as she did up the buttons. She continued too quickly, leaving Roger unable to reassure her. “And now you’re getting married to John. You hit the jackpot with that one, sweetheart. Anyone with eyes can see how much he adores you, and I couldn’t be happier, or prouder of you than I am today.”

Roger felt a whirlwind of emotions. He hated discussing his past, but he was overwhelmed to hear his Mum say that. He swallowed the lump in his throat, not wanting puffy eyes on his wedding day. “Love you.”

“Love you too, sweetheart,” She smiled, cradling one side of his face for a moment. Then she pulled back, looking almost relieved. “Well now that you’re ready and looking smart, I think I’m going to head out and sit with Clare and Trevor. That okay?”

“Yeah, course. I’ll be along in a minute,” Roger said quietly, intending to follow once he didn’t feel so choked up.

She nodded as she opened the door, hesitating in the threshold. “Oh and Rog? Good luck honey.”

“Thanks Mum.”

-o-

John flattened his hair discreetly, dismayed at how untamed it was, despite Freddie not straightening it long ago. His face was flushed from rushing around too. Freddie pushed his hand away when he caught him.

“You’ll make it frizzy.”

“It’s already frizzy.”

“Yes, because you keep poking it. _Leave. It. Alone_.”

John rolled his eyes. “Yes Mum.”

“I’ve put a lot of effort into making you look pretty. I won’t have my hard work squandered.”

“God forbid,” John teased as Freddie finished neatening up his boutonnière. “Seriously though. Thanks Fred.”

“No problem, sweetie,” he said just as there was a knock at the door. “I’ll get that. You stay there and finish putting your shoes on.”

John smiled gratefully as he did up the laces on his brogues. Freddie opened the door, revealing Brian all suited up and ready to go. He stepped into the room with a smile.

“How’s it going? Are you nearly ready?”

“Yeah. Just got to put my suit on.”

“Good, I’ll go and let Roger know. Stop him having a fit.”

John’s head whipped round at that. “Why, what’s wrong? He’s not got cold feet, has he?”

“Don’t be daft. He’s just worried about being late, wants to be there before you.”

John sighed in relief. “That’ll be a first.”

“That’s basically what I said,” Brian grinned.

“You’re not wrong. Blondie spends longer getting ready than even me.”

John hummed in agreement. “Sadly, I know that to be true. Although, you’re not far off.”

“Agreed,” Brian said, laughing at how disgruntled Freddie looked as he made his way back to the door. “Anyway, should we start heading down?”

“I’ll catch you up,” Freddie said as he set his hands against John’s shoulders. “How you feeling, nervous?”

“A bit.”

“There’s still time to back out. I can have you snuck into a taxi in no time, just say the word—”

“That’s not funny, Freddie,” John interrupted bristly. “I’m more concerned about tripping over my own feet. What if it happens halfway down the aisle? What do I do then?”

“Get up and keep going. Life isn’t perfect, darling. If I hear anyone laugh, they’ll have me to answer to, so don’t worry about that,” Freddie said defensively. “Not to mention, Roger would probably kill them.”

John smiled at that. “True.”

“Besides, all eyes are going to be on me wearing this gorgeous thing, so I wouldn’t worry.”

John laughed as Freddie grabbed the bright pink feather boa that he’d worn on the stag night. “You look bloody ridiculous.”

“No Deacy love, I think the word you’re looking for is _fabulous_.”

-o-

Luckily, the ceremony went ahead without a hitch.

Freddie strutted in ahead, with Julie and Clare on each arm, stealing the limelight as intended. John followed on, his gaze focused solely on Roger. He looked beautiful. The sun streamed in through the windows in the orangery, highlighting his blonde hair. John’s heart sped up when he caught sight of his dimpled smile. Roger’s blue eyes were slightly watery as John took his hand.

“You look incredible.”

John beamed at his words. “So do you.”

“You alright?”

“I am now. You?”

“Same,” Roger replied softly, his thumb rubbing circles over the back of his hand. “Wasn’t tempted to do a runner?”

“Don’t be daft. The thought never even crossed my mind.”

Roger’s smile widened further, causing flutters inside of John. “I missed you last night.”

Freddie had insisted they stick to the tradition of sleeping apart the night before. Which meant that Roger had bunked with Clare at her halls of residence and John had stayed with Freddie and Brian. John hated it almost as much as he did when Roger went on tour.

John squeezed his hand in reassurance. “I missed you too.”

Just as they finished speaking, _I Will_ from their favourite Beatles album finished playing, signalling the start of the service.

The reception was small and intimate, held in an old barn which had been renovated for weddings. It was owned by one of Roger’s university friends, who let them have it all evening for cheap. Almost everything had been meticulously planned by Freddie, though he’d run through everything with them. There was the most beautiful floral decorations and a massive dancefloor.

That was where Roger had left John to go and get another drink. Lewis joined him at the bar a minute or so later. “Have you ordered?”

Roger nodded, taking in the way he was holding his wallet. He too had taken his tie off after the ceremony. “Yeah, a whiskey sour. You want a beer?”

“Please.”

Roger ordered it as the barman headed back over with his drink. “I don’t mind getting these—”

“Nah, it’s cool,” Lewis quickly insisted as he got out his card ready. “By the way, I gave your present to Freddie. Think he’s got a system going on.”

Roger turned his head to look at the table of presents. He smiled as he noticed how he’d arranged them neatly. “Think he has. Cheers though.”

“No problem.”

It had taken a while, but since they’d started hanging out more, things had slowly become easier. It was made better when Lewis got back with Mattie.

Roger looked round to see Mattie dancing with John and a few others. There were a couple of kids too, all copying their silly moves. Roger smiled fondly at how adorable John looked, with his dark hair swaying about his shoulders and the biggest grin on his slightly flushed cheeks as he lifted one of the children up to sit at his hip.

He never thought he wanted any of that. Until John.

“Thanks for letting me bring Mattie.”

Roger shrugged, turning back to sip his drink. “Don’t mention it. He is your partner after all. How are things between the two of you?”

The four of them had gone on a few double dates, so the question stemmed from genuine curiosity. It was a relief for Roger that they could get along.

“Better now that we’ve finished uni. We make more time for each other. We try not to be so obsessed with the gym either.”

“I wish John would take a leaf out of your books,” Roger scoffed. “If anything, he spent even _more_ time there before the wedding.”

“He probably wanted to look good for you.”

“Yeah, but he doesn’t even need to. It’s like I told him, he could have worn a bloody paper bag and I’d still think he’s drop dead gorgeous.”

“So I should think given it’s your wedding day,” Lewis said with a smile. “I understand where John’s coming from though. If me and Mattie were to get married, I’d want to look as toned as possible.”

Roger watched Lewis sip his beer curiously. “Do you reckon it might be your turn next? Walking down the aisle, I mean?”

Lewis hummed thoughtfully. “I’m not sure about being next, but marriage is something we’ve discussed. Our parents get on well, we’re living together this time around, and Mattie’s settled in his teaching job, so it seems like the natural step. But I have a feeling he’s waiting for me to make the first move. Which is probably fair, given that it was technically me who broke up with him.”

“Sounds like you need to get a move on then, mate,” Roger teased, clapping Lewis on the shoulder. He leaned closer to whisper conspicuously. “If you want my advice, no time like the present. Weddings are a great place to get engaged. Just look at me and John.”

“Yeah, you asked him on Freddie and Brian’s big day, didn’t you?”

“I did indeed. No regrets whatsoever.”

Roger followed his gaze over to Mattie dancing obliviously. “Do you know what? If you said that six months ago, I’d have probably told you to mind your own business. No offence.”

“Oh no, none taken. I’d have told you the same.”

Lewis laughed at that. “Fair. But now, I reckon you might have a point. Like you just said, no time like the present is there?”

“Exactly. Just remember who gave you the idea though, yeah? Least I deserve is a mention in your wedding speech.”

Lewis laughed. “You’re so sure he’ll say yes?”

“What sort of question is that? Anyone can see Mattie adores you mate, seriously.”

Even still, Lewis looked relieved to hear him say so. “That’s reassuring. Thanks Roger.”

“Anytime.”

They ducked into an awaiting taxi at the end of the evening.

Roger seized the opportunity of Mattie chatting to John to his advantage, mumbling a quick _good luck_ to Lewis on the way out. Apparently, he hadn’t been as discreet as he thought.

“What was all that about?”

“What?”

John rolled his eyes as he put on his seatbelt. “You, wishing Lewis good luck on the sly.”

“Oh you caught that, huh?” Roger smiled as he wrapped an arm around John’s shoulders. “I might have encouraged Lewis to pop the question to Mattie before the end of tonight. Told him there was no time like the present. He actually agreed. Turns out I have good ideas, occasionally.”

“Who’d have thought it?”

“I know, it surprised me too. Reckon you’re rubbing off on me.”

“I’d much rather rub _against_ you,” John whispered dreamily. Then he winced, as if realising what he said. “Good god that was too cheesy even for me. Think I’ve ben paying too much attention to your terrible chat-up lines.”

Roger giggled as he rested his head against John’s shoulder. “I wouldn’t worry babe, they’ll always work on me. But ditto, I’d rather you rub against me too. Something tells me this is going to be the longest few hours of our life.”

“Just imagine our hotel at the end of it. And what I’m going to do to you when we get there,” John added, his voice a little husky.

Roger’s eyes lit up at that. “Now you’re talking my kind of language, love.”

Their mothers had chipped in to pay for flights for their weekend in Paris. Roger had paid for the honeymoon suite, calling it his wedding gift to John, especially as he’d never set foot outside of the UK. Roger, who had toured the world a couple of times, was looking forward to travelling together.

“I think you’re going to love Paris,” roger said excitedly as they settled into their seats on the plane. “There’s some great restaurants. I could show you the sights tomorrow. Go on the tour of the city.”

“Sounds amazing, Rog,” John smiled fondly.

Their room was incredible. The walls were bathed in warm, winter shades, the soft cotton sheets tucked in neatly on the king-size bed looked more than a little inviting, and there was a massive bath in the middle of the bedroom. There was also a balcony which overlooked most of Paris.

“ _Wow_ ,” John said in awe as he took in the way the city lights twinkled under the shadow of the moon from the window. It looked too impossibly beautiful, like something out of a painting.

Roger smiled when John said as much, whilst making a beeline for the champagne. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it? I’ve always thought there was something magical about Paris at night. We should visit the Louvre tomorrow. It’s always open later on Saturday and I reckon you’d love to see it lit up.”

“I would, yeah,” John said softly as he turned back to watch Roger open the bottle. He poured them a generous amount and handed John a glass.

“Here’s to making the most of our honeymoon, husband.”

Hearing Roger say that caused butterflies in John’s stomach. It still seemed too good to be true. He smiled as they clinked glasses. “I could get used to that.”

“I guess that means you’re stuck with me now.”

John’s smile widened after they both took a sip. “Good. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Roger responded by tugging him closer with his free hand and leaning in for a long, slow kiss. It was sensual enough to cause John’s breath to falter a little. Goosebumps raised themselves across his skin as Roger’s hand trailed towards his neck, where he tangled it into the back of his hair.

John barely managed to hold back a moan as he tasted the champagne on Roger’s tongue as they deepened the kiss. But couldn’t quite hold back a whine when Roger eventually pulled back to gaze at him. He smiled knowingly in response.

“At the risk of sounding sentimental—”

“God forbid,” John interjected teasingly.

“ _Ha-ha_ ,” Roger said dryly. “I love you. Today was…amazing, and I feel so lucky to be able to call you my husband. In fact, I feel lucky that you gave me a chance in the first place. That alone was more than what I deserved in the beginning.”

“You were a bit of a muppet.”

“Agreed.”

“I’m winding you up,” John said with a smile. “But yeah, you should be counting your lucky stars. I’m pretty amazing, as it goes.”

“Yeah, you are.”

“Then again, so are you. I mean, you organised all of this, didn’t you? So at the risk of sounding sentimental—”

“God forbid,” Roger repeated his words back to him with a grin.

“I feel lucky too. You make me really happy, Rog. Probably the happiest I’ve ever been. I love you too.”

John knew he meant every word. But it was worth it even more to see the look on Roger’s face.

They spent most of that first evening in bed, the bottle of champagne unfinished on the table. They took their time, appreciating every last second.

They fell asleep entwined, laid close together, despite the size of the bed.

When they woke, they remained side by side as they planned their day. Before Roger climbed into his lap with a smile, and insisted they use their leisurely morning together wisely. John really couldn’t argue with that.

Afterwards, they had breakfast in bed, before sharing a long bath.

Roger’s gave a blissful sigh as he looked out at the Paris skyline. John’s body was pressed up against him in the heat of the water, his lips settling over the back of his neck, causing pleasant sparks down Roger’s spine.

“Love you,” John murmured against his skin, his hand trailing towards Roger’s waist.

Roger hummed as he turned enough to catch John’s heady gaze. “Love you too, husband.”

 _Yep. He could definitely get used to that_ , John thought with a tug of fondness as he captured Roger’s lips in another heated kiss.

o-o-o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So sorry it's taken me another couple of weeks to upload this. I hope it was worth the wait? We're so close to being near the end. I've got another couple of chapters planned and then that's it. They'll be in a new sequel fic, a final part to LYHRYH, so keep an eye out for that. I really hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it. I will also be uploading a new fic very soon so keep an eye out for that. It starts from 1971, and leads up to the 1990's, and is basically a three-part sequel, based on Roger realising he's in love with John at John's wedding to Veronica. So that's intense lol. I'm still getting around to reading your lovely reviews, but thank you so much for those that have stayed with this until the end. The support has meant so much to me. Take care everyone. <3


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